im in the mood to be stubborn and hard to convince

i was supposed to have a court hearing today. but even before i put on my barong, i already read a tweet saying that the supreme court suspended work in metro manila courts. i was waiting for the announcement last night because i thought, even if it stopped raining, most likely, there are court personnel, clients and witnesses who might be in evacuation centers or badly hit by the "horrible" weather yesterday or wont be able to make it due to the flooded roads. the court hearings will be plagued by resettings. also, judges and lawyers are humans too with families of their own. the justice system in metro manila will have to adjust to the fortuitous event that occurred yesterday. but then again, the suspension might be for another purpose. im digressing.

despite the tweet stating that work in metro manila courts have been suspended, being the skeptic that i am, i tried to verify the truthfulness of the tweet by trying to trace its origin (like when i saw a photo of Girls' Generation's Sooyoung wearing a "I Heart Philippines" shirt. the photo really looked legit but i thought it had to be a fake. sure, she's been here in the Philippines so there is a possbility she bought a souvenir shirt but i dont think its something that she will wear as "airport fashion" and i dont recall any of them wearing souvenir shirts in the places theyve been to. in the end, it was really a fake photo). i couldnt trace the origin or the source of the information of the tweet so i had doubts whether its really true. irresponsible tweets plague twitter so i tried checking the supreme court website. no announcement. i checked twitter again, GMA news tweeted it. still, i doubted it since i want to see an article about it and not just a tweet saying according to so and so. checked Inquirer.net. theres an article saying that there is in fact a suspension but when i clicked the link, there's no article. crap. im not satisfied with just an article title, even if its from an online newspaper. just when i was about to wear my barong, i received a text message from our law office that the supreme court suspended work in the metro manila courts. still, im not 100% convinced. i wore my barong and went to the Hall of Justice, only to be told by the guard that the supreme court suspended work for today. only then did i text my client that we wont be having a hearing today.   

its better to be safe than sorry. in case the tweet wasnt true, it will be difficult to explain to the judge that the reason my client and i didnt attend today's hearing because i read a tweet saying that according to the supreme court spokesperson, the work in metro manila courts were suspended on 08 August 2012. the pretty judge in the court im supposed to be at would just say "really counsel? you expect me to accept such an explanation?"

damn it august! what are you up to?

unprecedented rain fell yesterday. while this is unfortunate for more or less thousands of citizens, probably even a million, this is, sadly, fortunate for me. i mean, fortunate in sense because i like rain. well, close to loving it actually. the cold weather yesterday was wonderful. not perfect to force me to use a blanket when i sleep, but enough to be wonderful. all i really want is cold weather.

last weekend, i taunted the heavens, as i was rushing home from a quick purchase at CDR King. since it didnt rain during the time i was outside, i looked up at the dark, cloudy, evening sky and said "rain, lets dance". 24 hours later, it was raining non-stop. as usual, i was inside my home.

the following day, i was supposed to go to the office despite the news of countless miserable citizens who fell victim to the merciless continouous rain. as i was about to put on my pants, i received a text message telling me that there's no work for the day due to bad weather. i still wanted to go outside since its the perfect weather for hot chocolate but laziness got to me and decided to just lay in bed, sleep and savor the cold weather. so i wasnt affected by the floods or got soaked in the torrential rain. i procrastinated for another day instead of finishing the pleading i need to finish before friday. i really didnt want to ruin the nice weather with work.

the day after, today, it was still raining when i woke up. but when i stepped outside, the rain turned into a light harmless drizzle. by the time i reached the office, it was barely raining and the sun was peeking through the clouds. the same thing happened when i went out for lunch. it didnt rain the whole time i was out for lunch. it rained again when i was back inside my office room.

at least when i was heading home, with my laptop in my bag, hanging on my left shoulder, holding a mcdonalds hot chocolate with my left hand and an umbrella on my right hand, i got soaked from the knee down because finally, my beloved rain got to me. my chucks squeaked as i walked and i could feel my soggy socks. sadly, i can hardly call it a dance. maybe another day.

i would say the circumstances remain favorable to me. august, youre acting weird. it appears my luck is still with me and i have not been reduced to a mere average mortal. its not making me paranoid. not yet. but now that i have written this, august would probably come at me with its teeth bared, wearing a malevolent grin.

occasional hodgepodge of the scrambled mind

i have a pleading due by monday which i need to finish before friday because i need to have it signed by around 24 clients on saturday. i dont want to ruin this nice night with work. i really should stop being lazy.

while listening to FOB, on this very rainy night, i was reminded of my YM picture back in 2010 (i checked my YM message archive to verify the time i used this YM picture since someone made a comment about it). i havent used YM for quite some time now and after going online for just a few seconds, seeing a few friends online, im still not in the mood to use it. maybe by the end of the year. i dunnow

anyway, i ended up listening to two FOB albums. i really like the way they give titles to their songs. reminds me of how i used to think of my email subjects. and to a certain extent, blog titles.

i wish its september 24 already. i want to watch a TV series.

a just read a tweet that said "happy people listen to music while sad people listen to the lyrics". i was listening to the music then i took notice of the lyrics. i guess that's when the YM picture entered the...picture.


**** *********
"Oh baby, you're a classic like a little black dress. You're a faded moon stuck on a little hot mess"

"I don't just want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness."

"I wanna scream, "I love you," from the top of my lungs but I'm afraid that someone else will hear me."

"So boycott love. Detox just to retox. And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life"

"We had a good run; even I have to admit. Life's just a pace-call on death. Only less diligent. Hell or Glory, I don't want anything in between"

"Blame everyone but me for this mess and my back has been breaking from this heavy heart. We never seemed so far. I'm hopelessly hopeful, that you're just hopeless enough. But we never had it at all"

**** ********* 

***** ********* ********
"It's just past eight, and I'm feeling young and reckless."

"You're just the girl all the boys want to dance with and I'm just the boy who's had too many chances
I don't blame you for being you but you can't blame me for hating it. So say, what are you waiting for? Kiss her, kiss her I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late. Write me off, give up on me, cause darling, what did you expect. I'm just off a lost cause, a long shot, don't even take this bet"

"Oh baby, when they made me, they broke the mold. Girls used to follow me around, then I got cold"

"You only hold me up like this. Cause you don't know who I really am. I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive. Now I only waste it dreaming of you"

"What makes you so special? I'm gonna leave you, I'm gonna teach you. How we're all alone"

"Am I more than you bargained for yet? I've been dyin' to tell you anything you want to hear 'Cause that's just who I am this week"

"Cause I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it"

"I must confess, I'm in love with my own sins."

"I keep my jealousy close, 'cause it's all mine. and if you say this makes you happy, then I'm not the only one lying."

"Keep quiet,nothing comes as easy as you. Can I lay in your bed all day? I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake."

"I keep telling myself I'm not the desperate type but you've got me looking in through blinds"

"I found the cure to growing older and you're the only place that feels like home. Just so you know, you'll never know and some secrets weren't meant to be told."

"I don't care what you think as long as it's about me. The best of us can find happiness in misery."

*************************

- lyrics from various songs from FOB's  From Under the Cork Tree and Folie à Deux albums

YM picture came from Green Day's 21st Century Breakdown album

its the most...worrisome time of the year

i should be on full alert for the next 25 days. so far, august has been bearable. just a little minor glitches here and there. what's been confusing me is that my rain repellant self is still active. whenever i go outside, the rain stops. when im safe indoors, the heavy rain suddenly pours.

for example, a few days ago, after visiting our grandmother in the hospital, my brother and i decided to stop by mcdonalds to get some twister fries. i joked that i didnt need an umbrella because it wont rain if im exposed to it. there's some considerable distance between our house and the nearest mcdonalds and its been raining for more than a week. true enough, it didnt rain until we got home. had the rain decided to drop five minutes earlier, i would have been soaking wet.

same thing happened last night. i was rushing to go to CD R King Eton Centris because it was near closing time. through out my commute, it didnt rain until i was indoors. thats why my umbrella was very much useless yesterday.

im not quite lucky today. i had to use the umbrella. but the strong rain didnt pour until i got home. normally, if august was feeling like its usual self, i would be soaking wet from the rain or some puddle due to a speeding vehicle.

although im still lucky with the weather, which makes it easy for me to enjoy the cold air, i was unlucky with the mcdonalds cashier. it really ruined the twister fries experience. mcdonalds crew Mae of Mcdonald's matalino charged me an additional P16 or something because she didnt hear my order correctly. instead of giving me the twister fries and float meal, she thought i just ordered twister fries. when i pointed out her mistake, she just added the coke floats instead of correcting the order. thats why my order ended up with an additional P16. normally i wouldnt mind the few extra pesos but i was also buying twister fries for my parents and my sister. she did the same thing to the other customers ahead me (i mean, she also got their orders wrong). i was tempted to email a complaint but i thought, she might be overworked or distracted. everyone needs a break. especially if its august.

am in a horror movie?

woke up this morning only to be told to check the circuit breaker because our dining room and my brother's bedroom had some short circuit earlier this morning. so i checked the fuse box, fiddled with the switches and poof! the electricity in our dining room and my brother's bedroom is back. but ever since then, ive been hearing some scratching/electric surge kind of noise (when i switched off the TV, when im near the kitchen sink, while i was passing by our office window). then i thought, "its august. anything that could wrong could possibly go wrong. i am stripped of my powers of luck."

well, last night, i was still lucky. i was asked to buy some cough medicine at a nearby drugstore. while i was heading home, the moment i stepped inside our garage, heavy rain suddenly poured. now, from our garage, there is still an open space before i reach our building. the rain stopped exactly when i was walking on that open space. the sudden heavy downpour continued the moment i stepped in the covered area of our building. this is something that usually happens to me and thats how i manage not getting wet even if i dont use an umbrella. the rain "magically" stops when im outside (not 100% of the time of course but maybe half of the time). i thought i still have some luck left. unfortunately, that might be the last one until it returns on september.

going back to the electric surge kind of noise, my laptop sort of went haywire earlier this morning too. the power indicator suddenly blinked. thats weird. its not supposed to blink unless the laptop is in sleep mode. i dont use  sleep mode. then the battery indicator suddenly went off. thats weirder since my laptop is plugged in. i checked the outlet and there's electricity. maybe the indicators are just acting up? then the laptop monitor went dim. it meant that its in power saving mode. again, it cant go to power saving mode since its plugged in and the power saving mode is disabled. i quickly switched the laptop off since it looks like its losing power even if its plugged in. when i used it again in the office, its working A-Ok again.

its raining, there's the howling wind and i ocassionally hear an electric surge/scratching noise when im alone. did i just go crazy? is this like a warning that i should be mindful of electricity? that a misfortune that's electricity related might happen? final destination freak accident kind of thing? i'll just listen to f(x)'s electric shock.

Wish I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't

just do it, nike said. so i did. when in doubt, just do it (when it should be dont). so i kept...just doing it. well, i ended finding myself in tricky and sticky situations. i gave myself "ghosts" that will continue to haunt me. i dug myself holes with depths that amazes me. all for the sake of beating the boredom? sometimes. sometimes i just roll the dice and couldnt care less where it takes me. im too old for this shit. im no longer young to set the world on fire and burn brighter than the sun.

there are moments when i wonder how the hell did i end up as a lawyer? well, a friend also asks that same question, sort of. he wonders how people could entrust their legal woes, and to a certain extent their lives, to a man such as he. as for me? the way i see it, i just kept picking up the shot glasses served before me, drinking it up and rolling the dice and the next thing i know, im done with law school, im done with the bar exams and now im a lawyer, inching towards my second year of law practice.

i dont mean i partied a lot when i said shot glasses. im a homebody. i meant, i just kept mindlessly doing things regardless of the consequences just because its seemed like a good idea at that moment. or just do reckless and immature things just to let the time pass by, not really mindful of the future, thinking im going to drop dead soon enough. well, im still alive and sort of kicking. im afraid i will have to face the reality that i might live beyond 30. that sucks. aside from getting old, its difficult to answer im thirty something when im asked about my age without feeling like a dinosaur. i already feel old when i hear the song Dangerous by Roxette because i remember listening to it when i was in grade school.

its hard to believe that i dont think of my future when im that guy who always has a plan. do i really look like a guy with a plan? sure i plan a lot. i think of the future a lot but my actions contradict those thoughts. i think i just plan to exercise them brain cells and to at least give me some comfort that im thinking about my future. but i rarely even go through with the plan. well, long term plans. its easy to comply with the short term ones that addresses the present situation. actually i plan a lot less now compared before. in the grand scheme of things...nah, the universe can just fuck off. just call me when you need me cosmic one. when you think there's the need to shake things a bit. ill be at the bar having a drink or in a restaurant savoring a meal or in a coffee shop sipping some tasty hot chocolate. sounds like a...not so bad plan. where at the end of the day, i just want to sit on a sturdy stool or comfy couch and let my mind wander aimlessly, not a care in the world, then sleep and then wake up in the morning and face a stress free work day. i just want a simple life. i wish i didnt. maybe i do. i dont know.

familiarity breeds contempt vs. stranger danger...isnt it just the same thing?

i just read my horoscope and it said i should know the person ive recently started to date very well before i get myself overly involved in the relationship. it said "VERY well". boom! wake up call in the form of a horoscope. i realized im already in too deep that i should wiggle my way out before i get too tangled in it. the pimple on my nose was already a warning sign.

if im no longer thinking straight, im treading dangerous waters and i could end up a victim of the game i thought i know how to play well. i dont even know how to play anything well. i just play and throw the dice and hope luck would save the day. since its august, holy crapshoot, im dead. i need...to get myself a hobby...maybe for just a month or two.

i think i'll just listen to another somewhat appropriate FOB song...

"I found the cure to growing older

And you're the only place that feels like home

Just so you know, you'll never know

And some secrets weren't meant to be told

But I found the cure to growing older

I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends

And I am sorry my conscience called in sick again

And I've got arrogance down to a science

Oh, and I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends

[Chorus: x2]

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's

So fitting, so fitting of the way you are

You can't cover it up

Can't cover it up

Find a safe place, brace yourself, bite your lips

I'm sending your fingernails and empty bottles you've sipped

Back to your family cause I know you will be missed

So you can find a safe place, brace yourself

They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone

But for what we've become, we just feel more alone

Always weigh what I've got against what I left

So progress report: I am missing you to death

[Chorus: x2]

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's

So fitting, so fitting of the way you are

You can't cover it up

Can't cover it up

Someone old

No one new

Feeling borrowed

Always blue

Someone old

No one new

Feeling borrowed

Always blue

Someone old

No one new

Feeling borrowed

Always blue

Someone old

No one new

Always borrowed

Always you

I found a cure to growing older

I found a cure to growing older

[Chorus: x2]

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's

So fitting, so fitting of the way you are

You can't cover it up

Can't cover it up"

Tiffany Hwang

its a sign

while i was writing one of the blog entries below in a internetless place, i happened to scratch my nose and i noticed that i have a pimple. not just an ordinary pimple. a big red juicy looking pimple. i quickly went to the bathroom to see it on the mirror and when i saw it i immediately thought "its a sign!".

i normally dont have big red juicy looking pimples on my nose unless i have strong feelings for someone. i first realized this coincidence back in 2009. back in 2009, i had a big red pimple just like the one i have now. i thought back then that the last time i had such a pimple was in 2006. it left a mark (actually these kind of pimples leave noticeable impressions of their two week stay and yup, it usually lasts for more or less two weeks). i remember when it manifested itself in 2006 because i was bothered going out on a date with such a big red pimple. then i started to notice the other pimple marks and i remember the one i had during the latter half of 2000. it was the first big red. then i noticed another pimple mark and i realized it was during the latter half of 2004. thats when i started to see the pattern. i get these eye magnet pimples every time i really like someone. when i say "really like", i mean those that make me entertain the thought of being in a serious relationship. the fact i have one now confirms that coincidence. or at least somehow convinces me that im developing serious feelings for someone i thought i was just fooling around with (cant believe i put that much trust on a pimple).

of all the possible manifestations, it just had to be a big, shiny, red pimple on my nose which leaves a mark after it goes away. a constant reminder of my strike outs. well, the first big red pimple isnt a strike out since i wasnt even able to initiate anything. she was gone even before i could do anything. as for my current pimple...it wont be a strike out since im still bound by my promise. unless i decide to be like peter parker in the recent spiderman movie where the best promises are the ones you cant keep. i should get a tattoo on my right hand which says "NO!!!" so whenever i have to urge to break my promise, all i have to do is look at my right palm and remind myself how painful it is to get the tattoo.

captains log, july twenty third, eight o five p.m.

im here in bicol for a hearing im attending tomorrow. since there is no internet connection where im staying, i would probably post this on the same date of my hearing, meaning the same date i come back home in QC. im only staying here for two days and a little over than 24 hours. got up around 3:30am so i could be at the airport by 4:30am for a 6:30am flight. on my first day here, i met some clients to ask for clarifications and have them check their affidavits (and sign the affidavits if its in accordance to what they stated). normally, its the clients that would visit me in the law office in QC but since im here in bicol already, might as well do as much to maximize the trip (aside from the fact our law firm partner instructed me to do so). on my second day, im attending a labor case. right after the labor case, im just going to have lunch, get my stuff then head to the airport.

the hours in between meeting clients and attending a hearing, i used to look at my "stuff to think about" folder. yup. i just made a folder called "stuff to think about" the night before i left for bicol and put files that i need to think about. i figured, i wont be spending an entire day reviewing the case file for my hearing so might as well get other things done. since its going to be quiet and peaceful being alone in a guest room, just like being holed up in a hotel during the bar exams, might as well do those stuff that needs a bit of contemplating or serious thought. and after getting some thinking done...which involves spending lots of money...im tempted to roll the dice yet again. God doesnt play dice. but i do. unfortunately, i do. like being in the heat of the moment then the realization there's no condom in my wallet and i ask "risk it?" and she answers quickly "risk it!!!". if im in the mood to be a jerk i would ask "are you sure?". she would say "yes! damn it". then i would take out a waiver form freeing me from any liability that may arise nine months after the incident (wow. i think this waiver is a nice idea. not as a binding agreement of course since its like courting disbarment but it would be nice to see the facial expression the form will induce). hmm. i think im good with this kind of gambling. i just hope i can make people give their consent and sign contracts this way. so you want to risk your half a million savings to a currently stable company in an unpredictable economy? wait...according to my "stuff to think about" folder, im the one being asked to risk it. sigh. most likely i will. life is a crapshoot.

i dont remember why i was at the mall last week

i was with my siblings at SM North last sunday and we ate at Bon Chon. first time i ate there, i really didnt get why people like the place so much. i didnt like the chicken. but my brother said he liked it so a few weeks later, i found myself trying it again. well, i wont say its good but close enough. its not as bad as the first time i tried it.

anyway, im writing this not because of the food but because of the service. we were there around noon so the place was crammed. there werent any seats available so there were some "vultures" roaming around looking for tables with its occupants finishing their meal. i hate being a "vulture". my mother always asks me to do that back when we always ate at food courts. while standing in line, she would tell me to try to snag a seat once a table becomes vacant. so, i would stand beside a table, watching those occupying it finish their food. i know it makes them uncomfortable because ive been at the receiving end several times but what can i do, were an overpopulated city and thats what we get when we dont control our population. comfort and convenience becomes a luxury the more populated we get (but then again, comfort and convenience are creatures of luxury, operating more within the zone of "wants" and not under "needs").

back to bon chon, since we were all hungry, i said since the line is long most likely by the time we get our orders taken, some seats would be vacant. the nice thing i liked about the service is that while we were standing in line, someone from bon chon asked if we have a table already. when we said we dont have one yet, the staff personally looked for a table for us. once she found a table for three, she reserved it. of course, everyone who was standing in line with no tables got the same treatment. there's no guarantee we will get a seat but the effort to give us seats by the time we get our orders taken is much appreciated. i hope other fast food restos adopt this kind of system.  

This seems appropriate at the moment

"Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "just friends". We're the kids who feel like dead ends. And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses. I took a shot and didn't even come close at trust and love and hope. And the poets are just kids who didn't make it, and never had it at all. And the record won't stop skipping. And the lies just won't stop slipping. And besides my reputation's on the line. We can fake it for the airwaves. Force our smiles, baby, half dead from comparing myself to everyone else around me. Please put the doctor on the phone 'cause I'm not making any sense. Blame everyone but me for this mess. And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart. We never seemed so far. I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough. But we never had it at all" - I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song); FOB

i dont know. this song just felt appropriate when i was listening to it earlier while walking inside the mall.

im on the brink of another financial crisis due to overspending and impulsive investments (and im contemplating spending even further once i get the phone call on wednesday. but its still manageable. will have to tap reserve funds). this is the kind of gambling i do. and i know that im not good with gambling. but no matter how much i lose, i never fall into debt. i can risk it all but i never risk more than what i have. and if i do risk it all, my disciplined self kicks in to get myself out of bankruptcy. sometimes i wonder if i purposely fall just to be able to summon my disciplined side which never gets tired of rising up again.

in addition to financial matters, im still drowning in a sea of work (still manageable) and despite having a lot of important matters to attend to, im trying to insert a relationship which i cant determine whether its serious or romantic or whatever it should be called. i underestimated myself yet again. im starting to see a 2-3 year cycle here. crap. my head hurts and sleep wont be able to make it go away.

no coffee, no cigarettes

earlier today, while sitting in my office, staring at the ceiling i thought, "gawd how i wish i have a cigarette in my hand right now". i wish i can still smoke. i was sitting in the middle of room, working with my door closed. it was mostly silent and peaceful (unfortunately, not deafeningly silent). ive been busy for quite some time now and suddenly having a moment to block out work thoughts and just stare at the ceiling in my quiet office room made me wish i can still smoke. it would calm me despite the pile of scattered paper on my desk and the blinking cursor on the affidavit that i was doing.

well, i can still smoke but ive programmed myself to remember how painful it is to cough whenever i pick up the nasty habit. and how terrible i felt whenever i catch a cold. just thinking about it made me think its not worth spending a couple of pesos for a stick of cigarette.

to make things worse, my body has developed an aversion to coffee. my immune system drops whenever i drink more than a cup of coffee. i also start to feel sick sometimes even if i just consumed one cup (depends on how stressed i am). i cant even drink one cup of coffee daily. if i do drink more than a cup of coffee, half of the time, i do get sick. it sucks. really does.

i really try not to drink coffee unless im desperate or cant control my craving for one. i cant remember the last time i even drank a cup of coffee. it wasnt that long, thats for sure. but its not as recent as three weeks ago. i was told i must have overdosed myself with coffee thats why my body developed some adverse reaction to it. who knew drinking half a liter of coffee in one sitting  was too much? cant blame my coffee maker for being able to brew a lot of coffee. and i really cant blame myself for not being capable of throwing that much good coffee down the drain. i just had to brew that much coffee whenever i use the coffee maker. now it just sits there gathering dust because my body rejects coffee like a virus to be purged.

im seriously going to be depressed the moment my body starts having a similar reaction against chocolates.

either...

the guy who who was supposed to synchronize the audio with the video had a hangover or the girls just find it difficult to sing in japanese...

i even changed my ringtone to Run Devil Run

more than a week ago, or last 30 june 2012, i tried to register for Outbreak Manila...half heartedly. i went to Toby's Sports at SM North EDSA The Block. The girl near the counter said that registration is at their main branch located at the main part of SM North EDSA but she was informed hours earlier that the registration was already closed since the slots were filled up earlier that day. my reaction was "oh. ok." i didnt feel disappointed. i didnt feel happy about it either (since i saved some money by not being able to participate).

thats why i said half-heartedly. although i do want to join the race, im not that eager to fight for slots. im thinking, i might not be in the mood come race day so i would prefer to register near the last day of registration. well, unlike voter's registration, the runners/participants dont wait until the last day of registration. it took just a little over a week since registration started before the slots were filled up. since its my first time to hear of this event, i was surprised how fast people registered. but then again, ive never been interested in participating in this kind of event so i wouldnt know the average time for slots to be filled.

well, even if im not going to participate in the event, at least i still jog whenever i have time (i try not to run since my left knee is acting up again). unfortunately, ever since i started jogging again, i rarely have time. i miss my "at least thrice weekly" routine. im lucky to be able to jog twice in a week. 

coincidence? not really. more like haunted by a name, number and a song

is it coincidence that i asked for rain last night and i was given rain today? maybe. maybe not. im not sure if i believe there's no such thing as coincidence. that everything happens for a reason. if there's no such thing as coincidence, then i dont know what to call most of the things in my life. i mean, my life is filled with a lot of coincidences.

a recent example is that i accidentally opened an old research file. i have an annoyingly malfunctioning mouse which double clicks by itself. while i was hovering the mouse pointer and scrolling down the list of research files, it suddenly clicked and opened a research file i made a year ago. i got pissed then closed it. minutes later, my boss called asking if i still have a particular research file because he was looking for his copy and he cant find it. surprisingly, the research file he was looking for was the one i just accidentally opened. so it saved me time finding it.

then there's the two digit number. ive been haunted by a two digit number for weeks (until today). its like everywhere i look, the number pops up. its on the building address, my computer clock, my order number, my receipt indicating the total price of the items i bought, some random person's basketball jersey, etc. but then again, ted mosby said that we have the tendency to see things we want to see. so do i want to see this particular two digit number? i dont know. when i randomly look at things, the number is there. 

then there's the female name. this name only haunted me for a week. how many sales ladies and cashiers have this name? whenever i look at the receipt (or their ID) on that particular week, their name is _____. meh. its just coincidence.

then there's the song "little respect" by wheatus. my favorite line in the song is "what religion or reason would drive a man to forsake his lover". i remember looking annoyed as i told a college friend about the lyrics. he was humming that part of the song because he cant remember the lyrics and i told it to him and it annoyed me because of all the parts he could forget in the song, thats the part he just had to forget. anyway, i was surprised to hear it at 6am in the morning in a fastfood restaurant. i havent heard it for more than half a decade. then later that day, when i opened my music player, wheatus' album was in the playlist and the last song the music player played was "little respect" (because when i clicked play, its the song it played). huh? that cant be right. am i having one of them fight club episodes? i keep hearing the song in various establishments days later. its just weird (especially the fact its the last song my music player played when i opened it).

having freedom makes it not so bad

a friend dropped by several times in my office a month ago and said that my office life aint that bad. i have the freedom that's rarely found in other law firms. sure i dont have a mentor but at least i have a fellow lawyer i can ask when i have questions. i dont have a law firm partner to supervise me but im a self-taught kind of guy. ever since 6th grade, i studied on my own (my mother being a teacher always supervised and helped us with our studies. whenever we have exams coming up, she would make questionnaires to test how well we mastered the subject). im a product of trial and error. fall down seven times, get up eight. as my friend said in law school, we belong to the order of the phoenix. we crash and burn and then rise from the ashes. we struggle, we fight, we live. thats how we managed to become lawyers (well, for me, i just kept on moving). of course we acknowledge the wisdom of our professors and we are grateful for what they have taught us but we always recognize the fact that it will always boil down to how eager we are to learn and our capability to think by ourselves (meh. we live, we learn. i think, therefore i am).

going back, being in a law firm which i described years ago as a sinking ship isnt as bad as it looks. its as good as any other firm. it offers variety of law practice and wide range of experience. it just depends if the person is willing to learn. it doesnt depend on mentors or partners. well, they help but their presence isnt really indispensable. if im after legal knowledge and experience, my current law firm is more than adequate compared to most small law offices and maybe even at par with some prestigious law firms.  it just so happens that im starting to feel the difficulties of having a non-competitive salary. thats why ive been whining lately about working in my current firm. financially, i have no future if i stay in my current law office. but other than financial matters, there's nothing to complain about my law office. well, there's the lack of some utilities and other usual office essentials. but the beautiful thing about it is that we still manage to survive. the struggle gives it color. 

creature of consistency

i eat almost the same stuff every day. well, not exactly.

take my breakfast for example. i only eat one type (or a particular brand) of breakfast cereal (kellogg's coco pops) and i eat it every morning. when i run out of it, i eat a particular type of oatmeal (quaker oats instant chocolate oatmeal). the breakfast cereal is my primary breakfast and the oatmeal is just a back-up when ive completely consumed the supply of breakfast cereal.

i dont like my breakfast being changed without prior notice. it pisses me off. i dont care if ive been eating the same breakfast for over a year (or years). if its still available, thats what im going to eat. so i only eat something different when i prematurely consume my breakfast cereal and oatmeal before i buy the groceries.

im very sensitive with what i eat in the morning, given that im not a morning person. when i wake up, my mind is already programmed that it will eat either cereal or oatmeal (except sundays. on sundays i eat fastfood breakfast after attending the sunday mass). if i see a breakfast other than cereal or oatmeal, my brain has to process it so it can inform my digestive system of the change (so i will have to sit down for a few minutes). the deviation in my breakfast increases the chances of me throwing up. i always have to urge to vomit whenever i eat too soon in the morning and the change in food doesnt help. if my brain gets surprised or wasnt expecting to eat the food, i regurgitate it. thats why i dont like eating rice for breakfast. the adjustment time is too long and i really need to focus on swallowing the food so i wont throw up.

then there's my milk tea habit. i always order the same milk tea that the people in the milk tea place already knows me and my order (i go there at least once a week). i rarely change my order. if i do change it, its because of my mood. if im not in the mood of my usual order, i have a secondary usual order.

then there's korean food rotation. i usually eat only three items in the menu of the korean restaurant i go to. i dont like bulgogi so i never order it. im limited to two types of "rice meals" and ramyun. i usually eat ramyun when its cold or when its raining. i eat bibimbap only when im not in the mood to eat the primary rice meal i order. i only eat one type of korean ice cream (kamacoon). so i have a rigid hierarchy of food orders.

then there's mcdonalds. ever since i found out about Big N Tasty months ago (if im not mistaken, it was the night of april 27), i never ordered anything else except the Float and Fries combo. i eat this damn burger thrice a week.

my mother complained that i buy the same stuff whenever i buy the groceries. well, i dont get tired of eating it. for a person who demands variety, im sure rigidly consistent when it comes to food. well, food i really like.

im tempted to ask for more but i wont

it rained all day! well, almost. there were minutes when it wasnt raining at all. anyway, its nice that the heavens do listen.

i woke up hearing the rain outside my window and i said to myself, "yes!" this is what i call rain at the very least. it put me in such a nice mood that i suddenly found myself singing while putting on my socks. that rarely happens.

its not "damn! its cold! brrr" kind of weather but cold enough. i wish it was much colder but well, this amount of rain and cold weather is godly generosity for me. i didnt manage to eat my spicy ramyun without breaking a sweat but the cold weather helped me enjoy it. i didnt crave for a hot beverage but the cold weather made my hot chocolate tastier. i wore three layers of clothing and it was nice that i didnt feel uncomfortably warm. i didnt shiver at all but...well, i wish it was cold enough to make me shiver. im not even asking for blistering coldness. just "holy crap! now this is some goddamn cold weather". this cold weather is still far from forcing me to use a blanket.

unfortunately, i might be the only one enjoying this weather. while other people are cursing the heavens for these rains because it makes them miserable, im savoring every minute of it. i would like to ask that this weather continue until....well, at least for a couple more days but...well, i guess i should be contented with a one full day of rain. sigh.

where's my rain!?

its raining right now. sort of. i can hear some raindrops on the roof. this cant be rain. its like some leaking faucet with one small drop of water per minute. i want real rain!

yup. im being unreasonable and insatiable.

i woke up earlier today feeling the cold air and said, while half-awake, that this isnt enough. its cold, yeah sure but i want it to be colder! much, much colder! i want to shiver! i want to crave for some hot beverage because its too damn cold. i want to eat spicy ramyun without breaking a sweat. i want to wear layers and layers of clothing and still feel the cold air fighting against the warmth. i want to be forced to use a blanket when i sleep. i havent used a blanket for years. my grandmother gave me a blanket as a gift two christmases ago and her present is still unopened up to this day because i have no use for it.

what does the rain have to do with it? well, if its raining, its bound to get colder. i dont think its possible to ask for a colder weather without asking for rain in this part of the planet.

if the heavens do decide to give me rain, i mean, the rain that i want, i bet its going to give it to me in a way that will make regret cross my mind and my pride will attempt to reject it from going any further inside my head. i think pride will win.