logged in for one last time...

probably. i just logged out of friendster a few minutes ago. havent logged in for a long time. if not for the site transformation, i probably wouldnt have logged in and backed-up the content i want to save. i didnt make use of its exporting tool. i have copies of those photos anyway. and im not much of a fan of my photos either. what i wanted to save were the testimonials and messages.

my friendster testimonials were...incomplete. i remember receiving testimonials from my fake accounts but it wasnt listed in my profile (ive got lots of fake accounts. i even had a "joint account"). well, i guess i wont be able to recover them anymore. what really bugged me were the messages. holy shit. ive completely forgotten about some of those messages and seeing just a glimpse of it...crap. i cant even...or i tried not to read some of those messages. it really bothered me. it bothered me because i really wanted to completely forget about it. and i have forgotten about it if not for the act of trying to save friendster messages. well, i still saved it anyway. i really cant delete such messages. well, i deleted it after making a back-up copy. its those kind of messages that are painful to remember and difficult to erase. and its worth saving because? i dont know. something that has a big impact could be worth something. 

anyway, i still remember my first profile pic. it was an ID picture. i still remember my first friend on friendster. he was the one that convinced me to make a friendster account. it was 2003 and his "sales pitch" was, its a good networking site. its a good way of finding old friends. i was initially against the idea of making an account because i dont need a website to communicate with friends. there's real life interaction and there's email (and egroups). i didnt see the purpose of a social networking site. but finding old friends was a good use for it. so i made a friendster acccount. because i wanted to find someone from my past. and i did find them after a few years through friendster. and lost them for good after getting in touch with them. wow, that sucked. its only now that i realized that.

i think in the future, friendster would be one of those things i would find haunting, like those people who lived in the 80's seeing their 80's selves. cant believe i had a friendster account, had those crazy profile pics and exchanged messages with so and so.

angelic deer choding

chucks and jeans

i was having my morning coffee at a nearby mcdonalds when i saw a law school batchmate/OLA teammate walk in. she approached me and asked where im off to. well, not really. i always misinterpret this question. its common to be asked "san ka ngayon?" which i think really means "what are you up to? or what's up with you?" instead of "where are you going today?". i always construe it as the latter. thats why i always get puzzled looks whenever i give my answer because they're wondering if im trying to be funny. obviously, they want updates about me rather than being informed where im heading for that particular day.

anyway, i answered correctly when i was asked the "please update me about yourself" question. i said im working in a nearby law office. she noted that i was only wearing a pair of jeans and chucks and a collared shirt (with a backpack). well, thats my office attire (and my office bag). i only wear court attire whenever i have court hearings (and i still use a backpack when i go to court). its not my thing to wear something formal or semi-formal (there are times i like wearing formal clothing but most of the time i dont). besides, our office doesnt have a dress code. i think the only rule is to just look decent enough. i guess. i think its common sense to look decent when one goes to the office. but since its not a strict rule, i sometimes go to the office with a 3 day to 5 day beard (i get lazy from time to time). clients dont seem to mind. i think. no one made a comment about my 3 day beard today (and im going to wear a 4day beard tomorrow. by wednesday, back to clean shaven look because im going to court).

with my laid back clothing, no one would think im a lawyer. i think i dont even act like a lawyer. i still act like some average guy with an average job (lawyering is seen to be a not so average occupation in this country). i dont mind being seen this way. keeping a low profile has always been my thing. and i really like wearing comfy clothing regardless of how it looks (although my current clothes arent really comfy anymore).

i gained a lot of weight lately resulting in 85% of my clothes not fitting me that nicely anymore in addition to the 10% that no longer fits me no matter how i try to wear it. my jeans feel tight already and some are already "falling apart" (one's got a hole and the zipper for another pair just broke earlier today). i only get new clothes during my birthday and during christmas. i dont buy my clothes. well, casual clothes to be more specific because i recently bought my court clothing. but given my current situation and probable continuous weight gain (i might be heading towards obesity. if i do reach that point, it will be the first time in my almost three decades of existence), i might have to buy clothes myself. its not my thing to buy clothes but i guess i really have no choice. its either i look stupid with uncomfy clothes or look stupid with comfy clothes that fit just right.

why did we make clothing this complicated in the first place? we just had to depart from simple clothing styles. well, i really dont mean what i just said because clothing and style have a big impact on appearance (i wont be able to appreciate the beauty of some celebrities if not for their sense of style). i just find buying my clothes really burdensome.

improvement starts with "i". i also need a better eye and an aye attitude

earlier today, i had a crazy thought. i thought of stopping my lazy lifestyle and aiming for excellence for a change. thinking about it now makes me feel tired. i hate doing something burdensome. but lately, i have been thinking that im in a half decade slump. im not as good as i was before. im a retard now. i mean, my intellectual level has not made any substantial development for half a decade or maybe more (ive been complaining about this for quite some time and i havent done anything to address it). sure some people still think im some kind of intelligent person but for three or four years, i havent been able to meet those expectations (i got a low grade for the bar exams. i took the exam seriously but i didnt give my best. as usual. i dont like giving my 100%. but i really put a lot of effort in it. i really studied hard. so its a bit unfair, yet flattering, but still unfair, for people to say to me that i was too relaxed during the review. that all i did was rent and watch movies and go to kiddie parties. well, i did do such things but i still studied hard at the same time. i just have my way of doing things. sometimes i wish people would recognize my "hardwork" even if it appears to be not much work for them. for me its an effort already). i think the only reason they thought im some kind of intelligent person was through people who knew me before. so its just hearsay, devoid of any basis. as for others who have known me long enough, they still have faith that the old me is somewhere inside me, hibernating or something. they still believe i can do things simply because they believe i can still be as good as i was before.

anyway, i thought i cant afford to be lazy anymore. the longer i continue the lazy lifestyle, the dumber i get. i need to do some hardwork and aim higher (i hate hardwork when im the one doing it!). actually, its time to always aim for number one at everything. crap. i hate it but if i want to keep up with greatness, i have to. this new lawyer environment is no longer some "kid stuff" which i can easily deal with. i miss the days when greatness was some effortless thing. of course i can always choose not to be great or not be a man of greatness but i got this far already, might as well make the best of it. im not convinced with what i just said but i do feel bad if i dont make good use of this lawyering thing.

if the world is ending, im throwing a party. but i think most people would be too busy panicking.

so the world will end. so what? i dont know what the big fuss is all about. with the rapture prediction, the end of the world became a hot topic...for the nth time. and im joining the fray.

let Jesus return, let the world crumble, why worry about it? why are people so afraid of judgment day or end of the world or whatever that will end life as we know it?

contrary to popular belief, i am a God fearing person and i do practice my faith. despite Stephen Hawking's comment implying there is no God or divine being (i think that's his latest comment based on his recent assessment of life, the universe and everything) which i accept to be perfectly reasonable and rational,  i still have faith in God. that's just the thing about faith, you just believe no matter what. but of course, i make sure i dont fall into blind adherence. that's making proper use of the God-given human will (unlike some Christians and other members of other religions). i pray every night, i go to mass every Sunday and i live my life trying to do things according to God's will. i make sure that im always guided by my conscience influenced by a spiritual self strengthened by faith in God. of course, being merely human, i am always susceptible to sin and temptation but thats part of practicing one' faith. its a never ending struggle to do more right than wrong, to live according to God's will (i now make a distinction between Church teachings and God's will. Church teachings are mostly valid except for some narrow-minded and inconsiderate positions which unavoidably raises doubts on the Church's authority on interpreting God's intentions). to strive to be perfect as part of the human thirst for the Infinite is supposed to be one of man's lifelong goals (if i remember my theology classes correctly).

going back to the end of the world talk, i dont know why people worry about it. if people live their lives in accordance to the faith they have, there shouldnt be any problems. a friend once commented, and i think ive posted an entry about it before, if the world does end, he knows that i would just sit down, relax and watch the world crumble. there's really nothing to worry about. if youre a sinner, youre doomed. if not, good for you. so why panic? if im going to hell, worrying about it and panicking wont get me anywhere except hell. im going to accept what God thinks i deserve.if there's an appeal process, then appeal. i doubt it. but just in case God is generous enough. i mean, a person has his or her entire life to do things according to God's will and on the last minute ask for a second chance or a chance to prove that he or she shouldnt go to hell or to not receive some kind of punishment? how can that person defend himself or herself in God's court.

anyway, if there's still time to repent, then repent. dont wait for the end of days to come. besides, at the end of the day during the end of the world, its God's call. as Stephen Hawking said "[w]e should seek the greatest value of our action". its weird that those who have a religion waste their time worrying about death and the end of the world instead of just living their lives in accordance to their faith. or is it just the Christians who worry? someone once said, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." (this quote is attributed to Gandhi but its still disputed whether he actually said it. so until there's a conclusive determination who said it, i will attribute it to someone). maybe thats why all this end of the world talk generate a lot of buzz.

just another PS3 entry

a friend asked me this few weeks ago: "what's up with guys and video games?"

i really dont know. we just like it. ever since i got tired of those facebook games, ive been craving for a PS3. now that i have a PS3, i dont even understand why i played those facebook games in the first place. well, i have to admit those facebook games arent that bad. but its certainly not comparable to "real" video games.

video games are enjoyable. pure and simple. we dont ask why, we just play. why guys like it more than girls, i have no idea. it never bothered me. although guys in a relationship might need some good explanation to give to their girlfriends why they spend a lot on video games (a newly released PS3 game costs around P2K. and there's no bootleg version for PS3 games on blu-ray discs). i guess thats why the PS3 added a lot of features. so guys can provide a good explanation why its worth the money. so aside from just being a simple video game console, it can play DVDs, Blu-ray movies and downloaded movies in .avi format (i dont know what other formats it can play. as long as it can play .avi format, im good). it can play downloaded Youtube videos in .mp4 format (because PS3's browser sucks so i dont bother using it to watch Youtube vids). if thats not enough, it has enough hard disk capacity to serve as a storage for photos and music library. i think it also has a simple built in video editor too (im not really that eager to find out the other features. i just want to play games and watch girls' generation videos. so instead of a music library, i have a music video library). its also a bluetooth and wifi enabled device. but like i said, its internet browser sucks.

so for a video game console with a lot of features, its not a bad purchase. well, its not a problem for an employed single guy like me. i dont need to convince anyone. its my money, its my time. but with regard to my friend, she still didnt get it. she knows it has a lot of features but still, its a video game console, primarily used for video games. money can be spent on more valuable things instead on a blu-ray disc worth around P2K to be used on a machine thats worth thousands (depends on the PS3 model. the ones that are still in production are at least P13K with the latest model around P14K. that is, if one can find decent enough stores that sell it at this low price. most stores usually sell it at P18K-P21K. thats why it took me weeks of canvassing).

i wasnt able to explain to her why guys like video games, why guys are willing to spend a lot on these things even if we dont have much time to use it (if i were in college, i would be playing video games all day. but since im working now, i try to squeeze in some game time whenever i can). its not necessarily a guy thing but it looks that way. we really just like to play video games.   

Pureisutēshon Surī

finally got me self a sony playstation 3! its been years since i played a video game through a video game console. my very first video game console (which i didnt really own since i did not buy it with my own money) was a PS one. i got it when i was already a freshman in college. i started losing interest in it when the PS2 was released and my cousin bought one. playing games with the PS one doesnt feel as exciting after experiencing PS2.

and now, i have my own PS3. one my major purchases since i became a laywer (the first one was a lenovo laptop which was not for me). im old but not too old for video games. you cant be too old for video games. well, in a few years, my generation will find out if there's such a thing as being too old for video games. video games have changed ever since the 1970s (when the first generation of video game consoles were born).

anyway, i bought it on a friday night, almost three weeks ago. i came home itching to buy it. i was planning on buying one ever since i passed the bar (as a reward for myself) but i cant decide when. almost everyday i kept telling my siblings im going to buy myself a PS3. i cant just buy it because there are a lot of other important things i should be spending my money on (although i do have enough money to buy one, still, i need to prioritize the necessary expenses). also, i have work so when i do buy one, i must have time to play it so i can test it well. but on that particular friday night, i just cant bear it any longer. i just had to buy it. so i did what nike tells people to do. just do it. and i did.

i remember i got home around 8:30 that night. i just had a very busy week. and i thought, a PS3 would be something nice to have that weekend. so i rushed to the mall, got there around 9pm. i still have an hour before it closes. i have been canvassing for weeks, so i already know which shop to go to. i went to the shop, asked for the price of the console, additional controller, HDMI cable (i need to have an HDMI cable. what's the point of getting a PS3 if i wont be able to use its HDMI slot and upscaling abilities) and a couple of games. i asked the salesperson to add it all up and i will just go to the nearest ATM to get the money (i try not to carry any money with me when i commute). 20 minutes later, i was paying for the console and the other stuff. holy crap. finally, i have a PS3 (dropped by the nearest ministop first before heading home because i havent eaten my dinner).

i didnt buy it out of impulse (although it appears that way). it was just a question of when. ive been doing my research on which video game console to buy and the PS3 came out on top (and the most expensive). its not simply a video game console like the PS one. its also a Blu-ray player. it also has a large hard disk capacity (320 gig) where i can store pics, music and videos. i dont intend to use it to play music or view pictures. but what really convinced me to buy a PS3 (aside from the video games of course) is that it can play .avi and .mp4 video format. when i learned that i can play and store my downloaded videos in it, i knew its going to be worth my money. i can play games and watch shows i like (and if i eventually decide i want to play non-sedentary video games like the games available on Wii, i can buy its Playstation equivalent, the Playstation Move). the only thing i hate is its internet browser. it sucks. it would have been perfect if its browser was as good as the ones in ordinary computers.

now i can strike the PS3 off my list of tech stuff to buy this year. time to save up for the next gadget. the thanksgiving dinner was...financially draining. if not for that dinner i could have bought myself a really nice digicam and a kindle. but the latter can wait. actually, its not even that necessary. i dont even have to buy it this year.

its only been a month? felt like half a year

officially a lawyer for one full month. i signed the Roll of Attorneys last April 18 (the bar exam results were released last March 17). the last act before one becomes a full fledged member of the Philippine bar. one year ago, i told a friend that i can only relax the moment i sign the rolls. not until that moment, i wont be satisfied with just passing the bar exams. i mean, anything could happen. i could die in an accident before April 18. in that case, i died as a law graduate and a bar exam passer, not a lawyer. and now, a month has passed since i signed the rolls. i still cant fully relax.

being a new lawyer is really tiring. i dont think its just the work that drains me. im still in an adjustment stage. there's a lot of things i dont know. the stuff they teach in law school are just the simple things. the bar exams only ask basic questions. actual law practice is intellectually challenging. i like it of course but there's really no time to immerse in it. there are deadlines to meet, clients to talk to and other stuff to be done. its like learning with a time limit. i cant take my time in thinking and formulating strategies. there are a handful of cases that need attention in a given week. multitasking is not necessarily a must but it would be really, really useful. i know that this is how things are supposed to be since im just starting. over time, things will become routinary. with every case, with every experience i gain, eventually i can handle a number of cases with ease and finish it without much thought.

one problem i have with lawyering is how i can make it "my way". its a bit shallow but its unavoidable too. im not a flashy dresser. im not a smooth talker. i hate talking.  well, i prefer not to talk most of the time. but i have to at least be "lawyerly" or conduct myself like one. a few weeks ago, i wanted to buy a leather bag but im backpack type of guy. i go to court wearing a dark barong with a backpack. thats how i do it. but the leather bag really looks nice. and it obviously goes well with court attire. but thats just not me. ever since i was in grade II, i always used a backpack. the only time i dont use a backpack is when i use my laptop bags. so i thought, im going to buy a leather laptop bag. if there's such a thing. stuff like this clutter my brain. its nonsense but the character i play has always been something i really take care of. and i digressed.

i was asked if lawyering is awesome. it is. but right now, i cant enjoy it. time isnt on my side. not yet. im still adjusting how i can keep up with the pace.

i hate wake up calls

i made my first embarrassing court appearance earlier today. the judge really made me look i didnt know what i was doing. i looked so bad that i was honestly waiting for the judge to say to my client to replace me with a more competent counsel. it was a big miscommunication with my client and im to blame. i should have been more cautious. i relied too quickly on what was given to me and acted on it without giving it some more thought. 

well, i am a new lawyer (im just two days away from being officially a lawyer for one full month). but thats not really an excuse when i already had a limited law practice for one year and a half. ive attended court hearings before and everything went fine in most, if not all, of my previous court appearances. i even won a case already. sort of. im the one that conducted the direct examination for a particular case, with not much opposition. the only way the court will not rule in my favor is if the judge was heartless. so there's still a slight chance of losing. anyway, this is the first time ive handled a case under a specific and special field of law practice. so, in effect, its my first time. but still, i cant let myself have that excuse.

people would say im being hard on myself. right after the embarrassing moment, my client was in effect consoling me, telling me its all right. thats how bad i took it. i guess my state was like a straight A student who received his first D. im no straight A student, and ive done a lot of disappointing things but i was really shocked with what transpired during today's hearing. i admit i was not really prepared but again, its no excuse. i know i could have done more. i could have served my client better. i know im better than what i showed earlier. i guess its a wake up call for me to take this lawyering seriously. most people think im the serious type but thats really just form. inside, i take most things lightly. its really burdensome to take things seriously.

sunny bunny

\

sleepyhead ice princess

I know the How and I know the Why

slow day at work today so i looked for some books online and decided to read Orwell's 1984. cant believe i havent read this. its nice i can now read non-law books. i even reserved a box set of Larsson's Millenium Series last Sunday (i just want the paperback version and not the expensive hardbound box set). when i saw on TV that the Swedish version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was released last March 30 on select local theaters, i immediately went to the bookstore to get myself a copy of the trilogy because i dont want to watch it until ive read the book.

Some excerpts from 1984 on power, truth and reality:

There was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against the whole world, you were not mad.

Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing - O'Brien

"...if you want to keep a secret you must also hide it from yourself. You must know all the while that it is there, but until it is needed you must never let it emerge into your consciousness in any shape that could be given a name."
 

Doublethink: 

The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them....To tell deliberate lies while genuinely believing in them, to forget any fact that has become inconvenient, and then, when it becomes necessary again, to draw it back from oblivion for just so long as it is needed, to deny the existence of objective reality and all the while to take account of the reality which one denies — all this is indispensably necessary. Even in using the word doublethink it is necessary to exercise doublethink. For by using the word one admits that one is tampering with reality; by a fresh act of doublethink one erases this knowledge; and so on indefinitely, with the lie always one leap ahead of the truth

We control matter because we control the mind. Reality is inside the skull. - O'Brien

tech stuff

my cousin just bought a kindle from someone who posted an ad in some online auction and shopping website. the price is really good and i really would like to buy one too so my cousin gave me the person's username and i found out she's also selling beats by Dr. Dre. damn it! i already have a list of gadgets im going to buy this year and even if i really want to, i cant let that list grow much longer (for this year at least). so i will have to end that list with beats and kindle. so self-control, you have an additional work to do.

now that i can spend a little more compared to before, i really need to control my spending. last weekend, i just went shopping for "court clothing" (my feet still hurts because of all the walking and looking for stores that has my size. i didnt know shopping can be torture. the shopping im familiar with is shopping for gadgets and buying groceries. i dont recall my feet hurting for days after shopping for tech stuff and groceries). about 2 weeks earlier, i just bought my sister a laptop. i promised i was going to replace it ever since i took her laptop a few years ago and made it my own. so her Lenovo G4000 is now officially mine and i replaced it with a Lenovo Ideapad Z460 (i have brand loyalty). i was planning to get her a Lenovo G460 but when i went to the Lenovo store at SM North, they said they currently didnt have any stock and a new batch will arrive the day after (and i just asked them 3 days earlier whether they still have enough units available). since i really need the new laptop that day (because my brother needs to finish a school project and our desktop computer cant handle the software requirements. im overprotective of my laptop and i wont install any new software which im not familiar with or unsure of its compatibility with my laptop's OS. its OS is Windows Vista so i really dont feel secure. also, it was only a few days before mercury retrograde so i really had to buy it already. last time i bought a gadget during the retrograde, i had to return the item to be replaced and it took months before i got it back), i went to other computer shops to check their prices. a few shops later, i came across a shop that has a good offer for their Lenovo Ideapad Z460. thats how i ended up buying it instead of going for what i initially planned to buy.

so in less than a month, ive spent more than what i spent for the latter half of 2010. i really need to control my goddamn spending or im going to go bankrupt. at this age, i should be saving some money to buy my own house (actually, when i was 14, i thought i would have my own house by now! and a car! well, at least my 14 year old self was right that i would have my current mindset. i am the person i thought i would be at this age). so after the PS3, PSP and other gadgets, im going to save up to get me self a home sweet home.

Oh, and one more thing.

"You can deny angels exist. Convince ourselves they can't be real. But they show up anyway, at strange places and at strange times. They can speak through any character we can imagine. They'll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us, challenging us to fight."- Sweet Pea

Just saw Sucker Punch last sunday. its not officially in my movie list for this year (i just mentioned it as a movie i might watch because of Jamie Chung). funny thing is, i think its the first movie ive seen this year (my memory is very selective lately). well, first one ive watched in a movie theater. first one and its not even in my list. its not bad. i would say its a bit good because i see it as something worth watching on a big screen. not necessarily a movie theater. something to watch on a big screen for free like a home theater system. the movie takes you on a enjoyable enough ride. the soundtrack's good too. or maybe the reason i found it enjoyable is because of the female cast. in any case, its definitely not bad for me (my siblings didnt like it. they said it lacks depth. well, maybe. i mean, i dont see what's wrong with Rebecca Black's Friday).

i really should have a print out of my movie list. i already missed the Green Hornet and the Rite. and a couple of movies in my list are currently showing in theaters. i really need to take this movie list seriously now that it seems the movie rental business seems to be on the decline. Video City Matalino permanently closed last month. i think the same thing happened to Video City SM North. where the hell will i rent DVDs now?

one of the things i dont like on facebook

one of the things i really hate is an opinion that reeks of incompetence. wait...not incompetence but something quite like it. its an opinion that looks intelligent but its really not. in theory its plausible but in reality, its just downright stupid.

i read a status message on facebook yesterday. its an opinion of someone i dont know but upon checking his or her profile information, he or she is a member of the academe from a good educational institution. thats what really surprised me. i find it appalling that a person with such an educational background would make such an opinion. at first glance it seems like a good opinion but upon closer scrutiny, its really devoid of any basis (except that its reasonable. but that wont do anything to make an opinion increase its worth except to make it appear coherent). it was like a comment uttered when one's emotions are high. or a statement that was recklessly given. if that was the case...well, given his or her educational background...its still unacceptable. a political science major...or someone who takes political science seriously, would have doubts and try to verify the truthfulness of such statements (so this means the comment was a political one or at least involves politics). or at least make sure that its realistic enough (or based on existing circumstances, taking into account the various surrounding factors). i know its vague to discuss the opinion like this but im not the type that openly attacks other people's opinion. well, not yet. i have a self-imposed gag order and im just waiting for that period to expire. once that period expires, i would still have to assess if im capable of controlling my sharp tongue (whether i can limit my comments to what are necessary and not go overboard). if not, then i will have to assess whether i can risk voicing out my opinion (there's a lot of things i really want to say and no one will like it. i could end up like the person im criticizing right now. dishing out opinions that are worthless. sometimes, its really better to just shut up). the gag order period is meant to gain experience and adjust to the new environment im in. as usual, i do things systematically and treat myself as some sort of clinical subject for some research. sure it sucks the fun out of everything but well, im an addict for self-improvement through self-control.

anyway, everyone's entitled to their opinion but i just find it hard to accept opinions that are just so stupid (its as annoying as people who miss the goddamn point. give them hints and clues, and they just keep missing it. sometimes i wonder if im really the slow one as some of my friends suggest. or maybe my hints are too complicated to decipher?). i also hate it when they think they're absolutely right or their opinion is really as good as they think it is. sometimes i wonder if im this kind of person. but i dont think so. sure, im arrogant and stubborn so i might appear as someone who thinks my opinions are absolutely good but being the skeptic that i am, im also the first one who would attack my own opinions and try to contradict it with an opinion that would overturn it.

loose bolt on a leash

last weekend, i had a discussion with a friend where she said that i like things done the way i want them with no deviations. if this is how i want it, i really mean this is how i want it. she made that comment after i pointed out that i have a plan that i need to follow.

i admit, i am serious and rigid when it comes to some things (actually, i think its most things now), especially matters that involve my future. i need to have a plan. i need to be prepared for everything. i wouldnt say thats how i naturally am because i wasnt like this before. before, i just do things mindlessly (and it was fun). therein lies the problem. i cant do that anymore. or i must not do that anymore.

having plans serve as my leash. it gives me control over myself. not full control but enough control to make sure i dont do stupid things 90% of the time (or so i would like to think). i need to restrain myself because my uninhibited self is really crazy and out of control. cant let myself run loose and go wild. some might say im paranoid but if people can just see what kind of thoughts run in my head, they would agree that i need restraint. i need to make sure i dont act on those thoughts. having a plan that i must strictly follow somehow gives me some peace of mind that im putting myself away from regrettable mistakes. during the bar review, my self-restraint diminished over time and midway through the review, i did something idiotic. so idiotic that i still cant forgive myself for allowing myself to do such a thing (i didnt follow my curse of foresight simply because my self-restraint was too weak to stop myself). ive got enough mistakes and problems ive done in the past. i cant let that list grow any longer. im still not done paying the price for those shit. given the grave mistakes and regrets ive done, the only way i can sleep at night is through my persona that doesnt care about anything at all. and this persona needs to be restrained too since obviously, if allowed to run loose, the least it can do is injure random people with every fit of rage (found out that im still a rageaholic. luckily, im alone in my room when i realized that, so no repeats of the injuries ive inflicted on others back when i was a high school student)

the only way i can relax is when im with someone who can control me. someone that i recognize as having some form of ascendancy over me. someone who can serve as my "cage". i can have more space roaming inside a cage than wearing a stupid leash. usually, a hot chick can control me but thats only temporary. its only a matter of time before i snap out of her hypnotic effect. so the "cage" isnt strong enough. there are only two people who are candidates that could serve as my "cage" (one has the status of "whereabouts unknown". the other is filed under the status "out of coverage area". there's a third one but her will isnt strong enough to really restrain me. thats why i decided to "discard" her. thats the only thing lacking with her. a strong will. if not for that, she would have been perfect, beyond the two current candidates. there could have been a fourth one but she went away before i could test if she's good enough).  unfortunately for me, they're not interested.  so i will have to settle with wearing a leash. i doubt another "cage" will come along. its rare to find a girl that i cant avoid following even if im fully aware im being controlled. actually, i even ask them to control me. thats why i havent found someone who is willing to put up with restraining me and make sure i behave.

right now, im starting to become reckless. my decisions are faulty and my reasoning doubtful. i need to have a more concrete plan in order to make sure i pull myself away from things i know will harm me in the future. so enough with the distractions. i need to address this problem head on. i guess, its time to wear a stronger leash.

a song dedicated to the ultimate problem solver

nine days

its been nine days since i passed the 2010 bar exams.

the waiting period was torture (the period from the day after the last bar exam until the day the exam results were released). no exaggeration whatsoever. i dont think other people would understand what we went through. im not saying the feeling is exclusive to bar examinees because its not. what im trying to say is that its a feeling that cant be imagined by just anyone. working hard for years and knowing that one's career, one's future depends on that one exam. to fail it means to lose another year...at least. its also demoralizing for some. it also doesnt follow that taking it again would make the exam easier. the level of difficulty of the bar exam varies every year. passing it is a very big deal, especially for those who truly want to become lawyers. 

taking the exam itself is also another torture. its draining mentally and physically. until now, my left hand hurts when i use it to write something down. i cant grip a pen in a certain way because it would send a sharp pain that radiates up to my left arm. thats how much effort it is to write down those answers. well, for me its an effort because im not the type who writes stuff down. i almost never take down notes during class. back in college, i always buy a new notebook but i rarely use more than 1/6 each semester. i managed to finish law school with only one notebook and i wasnt even able to use half of it. im really not a pen and paper guy. ever since i learned how to use a computer, i shifted to the electronic way of writing.

well, march 17 came. the day the results were to be released. two days prior, i got out of the office early and decided to drop by the nearby KFC to check the new Twister. while in line, i received a text message from a friend saying that the results were going to be released by the end of the week, either thursday or friday. after reading that message, fear just consumed me then and there. i wanted to sit down for a while but it was already my turn at the counter. fortunately, i already knew what i was going to order so i just had to switch to autopilot mode. i knew the routinary questions asked at the counter and i had my routinary answers, nods and polite smile for every rejected suggestion. when the transaction finished, i went to the nearest vacant seat i can find and just let the message sink in. part of me was also trying to "enjoy" the feeling since i rarely feel nervous. my palms were already sweaty when i managed to send a reply. by the time i got home, i tried to forget about the news because i really didnt want to think about it but it was impossible. its on the online news and people were also informing me about it.

thursday came. i tried to do the things i normally do on a thursday. so i went to work. my officemate was surprised that i came to work that day. she said most people would be somewhere else. well, im not most people. but i have to admit, my mind kept zoning out because as every minute passed, i got more worried so as some form of defense, my mind shuts down from time to time. by lunchtime, i was staring blankly into space. my officemates were already telling me to go home and sleep. but i just went to my office room, sat there and tried to distract myself with whatever online stuff i can find. by 4pm, i received a phone call from my cousin telling me its time to go to the launching of the worker's foundation. so i left the office, dropped by my cousin's house and then went to UP for the event. it was during this event that i learned that i passed. while seated inside the function hall, i received a phone call from a friend (the same friend that texted me two days earlier). he was the first one to inform me about it. i was happy of course. i couldnt believe it at first because i really felt my chances of passing was 50%. sure i was confident during and right after the bar exams but as months passed, my level of confidence diminished so by the time March came, i was so unsure on how things will be. i was happy for a few minutes. after that, i just felt relieved. i can finally move forward.

adorable kid leader

video made by ferrerorocher09

time stopped today

well, my wristwatch stopped today. it stopped at exactly 9:25am (which was really 9:05 a.m. because its always 20 minutes ahead of "internet time"), not a second earlier, not a second later. i found out it stopped a few minutes before noon. and i remember the last time i checked it before it stopped. it was 9:05 a.m. (8:45am in "internet time")

im very mindful of time. i remember back in high school i told my friends i have a very good sense of time. to prove it, i said that i can tell them what time it is after a few minutes by just looking at a watch or clock just once (just to make a reference and serve as my starting point in calculating how much time has expired since i last looked at the clock). so i looked at the watch to find out what time it is and then we started having our normal conversation. then after a few minutes, one of them will disrupt the conversation and ask what time it is on the watch and i would quickly say the time correctly (i dont compute it in my head, i was just simply aware of how many minutes have transpired since the last time i looked at the watch). they did this for almost an hour, asking in different random intervals while we were talking about other stuff. and i said the time correctly in all instances. its not much of a feat but back then, i was happy to know that i have a good grasp of how much time has gone by even if i dont really focus on the time. its like im fully aware of how many seconds have passed or how many minutes have expired without giving it much thought. i cant do that now. when i start guessing the time, im usually off by five minutes. it just shows how much my sense of time has deteriorated over the years.

going back to my wrist watch, it was my graduation present when i finished high school. so its more than a decade old and this would be the third time i will replace its battery. the original battery lasted for more than half a decade. the second battery, the one that just ran out of juice today, took only three years. now im thinking if im going to get an original battery or just another cheap one. if im going to get an original battery, might as well have its scratched surface fixed. i remember where i scratched it. it was at the stairs of Ateneo SEC 1 back in 2001 (cant remember the month though). i remember how pissed i was because the scratch is really obvious. and im the type of guy who likes watches and clocks (aside from knives and gadgets). i try not to look at wrist watch stores so i can stay loyal to my wrist watch and not be tempted to replace it. ive been wearing a wrist watch ever since i was in grade school and i always broke it because i was a very active kid back then. my current wrist watch is the only watch that lasted this long and was able to keep up with me. and im a very demanding person so it means this watch has been through a lot. there was a time when i didnt take it off even when i go to sleep (its not until a person im sleeping with complained that i should not wear my watch while in bed). i dont take it off when i go to the beach (its water resistant up to 50 meters anyway and i have no plans of going that deep. people always tell me that i still have my watch on when im about to hit the water and i just reply that its ok).

anyway, since i wont be able to get a new battery anytime soon, my cellphones and laptop will have to fill that void until then.