the day my music died

i cant bear to listen to what used to be my mood changer beach boys song. i cant even listen to any song from the 50 First Dates soundtrack. wow. i guess ive outgrown it. too bad. it would have been a decade by next year.

i remember playing it all night long back in 2004. i remember bringing a CD player to listen to it while wearing a graduation toga for the baccalaureate mass. i remember putting my cellphone by my ear to listen to Wouldn't It Be Nice when the get together with college friends got too boring for me. i remember listening to it non-stop during my stay in Bicol. i remember playing it over and over until 2005. it was the only thing i played in my beloved auto. its always in my playlist in all my music players. its in my laptop, mp3 player, tablet, cellphones, memory cards, etc. any media or gadget that plays music, i always have the 50 First Dates soundtrack in it. the full soundtrack and not just the OST. my siblings find it sickening because i tend to play it randomly when things just get too boring. and ive been doing it for almost a decade. heck! i even watched 50 First Dates on the 1st of January of this year. first movie of the year.

now, i cant listen to it anymore. whenever a 50 First Dates song is played while listening to a shuffled playlist, i skip it and when it keeps popping up, i switch the player off. i got tired of it i guess. ive outgrown whatever feelings i have for it. i'll be deleting it in my playlist. for the first time in nine years, my music players wont have 50 First Dates in it.

Words of wisdom from the super pervert

Getting dumped always makes a man stronger. And if he hasn’t experienced it enough to be able to laugh and joke about it, or at least use it as material, he can’t fulfill his duties as a man.

Men aren’t meant to pursue happiness.

Wherever someone thinks of you, that's where home is. 

When people get hurt, they learn to hate... when people hurt others, they become hated and racked with guilt. But knowing that pain allows people to be kind. Pain allows people to grow... and how you grow is up to you.

...Thinking back on it, my story is one full of failures. Tsunade turned me down every time. I couldn't save my friend. I failed to protect my student...and my teacher. Compared to the great hokages that came before me, my accomplishments have been petty and insignificant. I wanted to die like them. A long time ago, I had a conclusion to how my life would end. I lived believing my short-comings were just amusing distractions! That my failings would build character! and in return... After all those losses and mistakes, I would be granted one great, final adventure...

I have been a fool for lesser things

HIMYM S08E20

Ted: Ok, wait, so you're saying, it's doomed completely? One of us is just guaranteed to get sick of the other and call it quits?

Coat-Check Girl: You've been dating for a long time Ted. Has it ever gone any other way?

xxx

Ted: I think I'm going to head home.

Barney: I understand.

Ted: Well, you're not going to try and stop me?

Barney: And how will I try and stop you?

Ted: I don't know. By telling me life is short and if you ever come across a beautiful, exciting, crazy moment in it, you have to seize it while you can before that moment's gone.

Barney: Ted, this moment already is gone. The whole Minesotta Tidal Wave thing happened five years ago. It's just a memory. And the rest of this? Never happened. Right now, Marshall and Lily are upstairs, trying to get little Marvin to go back to sleep. Robin and I are trying to decide on a caterer. And you've been sitting here all night staring at a single ticket to Robots vs. Wrestlers because the rest of us couldn't come out. Look around Ted. You're all alone.

this was supposed to be a march 25th post

i havent written anything for almost 2 months. and im writing now not because im in the mood to write but circumstances have forced to keep my mind occupied with something else.

first, future self, i would like to inform you that i am now working in Makati. got hired in a GOCC last 11 February. how you ask? it happened so fast that i dont know how to explain it either. and ever since, you've been incredibly busy that you dont sleep that much. except last weekend.

2nd, you met an accident 2 weekends ago. i wrecked the auto. sorry for that. but the worst thing that happened is that you hurt someone you deeply care for. that brings us to the third update.

3rd, youve been dating a girl for almost 4 months. and this is a girl that you considered to take seriously right from the start. how did it go? i wouldnt know. the future is not for me to see but if you will ask me, i really hope its a "happily ever after" or something quite like it. not because im tired of the usual tragedy i find myself in but because if i will be given a "happily ever after", i would like it to be with her. unfortunately, ive been a wreck recently and im bound to screw things up with the way i am now. i hope i dont mess things up for you future self. but if i do, well, i know an apology will never suffice.

Summer Choi

The Day of the Lone Wolf

I was browsing my folders in my laptop when i noticed an old college file from June 25, 2003, 8:30pm. Opened it and saw my birthday profile which i encoded years ago. It's from my cousin's birthday book which she lost. Good thing i was able to encode my birthday profile and have a soft copy of it. Reading it now, it made me realize, holy crap...

The highly intense individuals born on November __ must pursue their own course. Living paradoxes, those born on this day are complex individuals who never cease to amaze their family and friends with their unique combination of aggression and sensitivity. Their ideology is extremely important to them, but it can change in a bewildering fashion, its twists and turns leading to a maze of irony and high seriousness. For example, it may be difficult to determine whether a November __ individual is conservative or radical, right or left wing, an upholder of the social order or anarchic rebel. Ultimately such terms have little meaning in reference to November __ thought patterns, which must be understood on their own terms.

Although November __ people appear to others as physical types, the primary thrust of their day is mental, even intellectual. No matter what their walk of life or profession, they can often be found arguing their case, refusing to submit to any ready-made dogmas or belief systems. They are basically self-taught thinkers, and for many, school is best an annoyance and at worst an imprisonment. They have a strong penchant to take the opposing point of view due to their resistance to absolute statements and generalization of all types.

November __ people enjoy pointed humor, and will use wit and irony as powerful weapons against their opponents and also as a  means to clarify and give shape to their own views. Most often, however, they make an impression of forthright seriousness. Emotionally, November __ people are usually caught up in their own personal maelstrom. Romantic relationships may surface with frequency, but those born on this day have enormous difficulties in maintaining stability in this area. Their friendships, on the other hand, are usually rock-solid, and highly meaningful. Those who are involved with them will never forget the experience --- difficult, maddening, recalcitrant and paradoxical, they go their own way and do their own thing. For example, they can be the most generous of individuals and yet at other times the most selfish. Often their goodness and true nature is more easily understood by animals and small children, on a purely intuitive level, than by a critical, analytical adult mind. A love of nature and of the animal world is in fact sacred to them, being their one constant refuge from disappointing and uncertain human experiences.

Perhaps the greatest problem of November __ people is coming to understand themselves, and being able to straighten out their complex, difficult personalities. Usually it is seething emotions which keep them from viewing themselves in a more objective light. Many born on this day use their work as an escape from what seems an excessive self-involvement. Concerning the four major faculties of perception --- intellect, emotion, intuition, sensation --- a titanic effort must be made by November __ people to bring these into balance. Only then can they progress in their personal development and come to terms with the society around them.

We don't know what kind of people we truly are until the moment before our deaths. - Itachi

"Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. Ultimately Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny." - Dean Kansky (Serendipity, 2001)

Desperation Day celebrates the 2nd and 4th paragraph

"Mangyari Lamang" 

ni Rico Abelardo

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmamahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang mukha ng pag-ibig
Ipamalas ang tamis ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan
Sa mga malabo ang paningin.

Mangyari lamang na tumayo rin ang mga nagmahal at nasawi
Nang makita ng lahat ang mga sugat ng isang bayani
Ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan
Habang ipinagbubunyi ang walang katulad na kagitingan ng isang nagtaya.

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nangangambang magmahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang kilos ng isang bata
Ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin na pilit ikinukubli
Ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto’t diwata.

Mangyari lamang na tumayo ang nagmahal, minahal at iniwan, ngunit handa pa ring magmahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan
Ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan
Nang maging makahulugan ang mga paghahagulhol sa dilim.

At sa mga nanatiling nakaupo
Mangyari lamang ay dahan-dahang tumalilis palabas sa nakangangang pinto
Umuwi na kayo!
At sumbatan ang mga magulang na nagpalaki ng isang halimaw.

At sa lahat ng mga nakaiwang nakatayo
Mangyari lamang na hagkan ang isa’t isa, at yakapin ang mga sugatan
Mabuhay tayong lahat na nagsisikap makabalik sa ating pinagmulan
Manatiling masaya, at higit sa lahat, magpatuloy sa pagmamahal.

im becoming too spontaneous

i was having a not so good day yesterday. the morning grocery was ok. the puregold playlist was nice. they played Alanis' Hand in my Pocket, Layla Kaylif's Shakespeare in Love, Lisa Loeb's Stay, Avril Lavigne's Im With You and some song by Rico Blanco. it was weird to hear that kind of song selection from Puregold. anyway, the not so good part of the day happened in the afternoon.

i was planning on working at BK timog. just like old times. trying to take myself back to 2008. unfortunately, the 2nd floor was closed. crap. so i just bought myself some food to go and then went to my lonely office to work there. after working for hours, it got too lonely. tried texting people but no one was available. so i decided to go to the UP chapel to pay God a visit. then when i decided to head home, i thought, why not take the long route home. pass by Katipunan and then Sikatuna. while on Katipunan, i thought, why not go to Marikina and pay a visit to my grandparents. so i ended up at Loyola Memorial Park. there i cried my eyes out a bit. its the first time i did something like this. i remember giving a speech during my grandmother's wake. if im not mistaken, i was the first among the grandchildren to speak. i was introduced as the 13th grandchild. my short speech went something like this:

"ngayon ko lang po nalaman na ako pala ang pang-13 na apo ni nana. kung ako ay naging malas para sa kanya, di natin malalaman. sana hindi. ummm...wala po ako masyadong fond memories with my grandmother. we weren't really that close. naalala ko lang na noong bata ako. pinagalitan ako ni nana. kasi di ko daw sya pinapansin pag nagkikita kami sa daan. paano ko naman po sya papansinin. naglalaro ako sa kalye ng habulan. alangan naman huminto ako para batiin sya, eh di nataya ako. pasensya na nana. sadyang pinanganak lang po akong suplado.

naalala ko din na isang beses, nasa cubao kami ng nanay ko. nakasalubong namin si nana, pababa ng jeep. nag-usap sila ng nanay ko sandali tapos sabi sa akin, sama daw ako kay nana kas ibibili nya ako ng laruan. magbibirthday ako noon. punta kami ni nana sa SM cubao, sa toyland. sabi ni nana, piliin ko daw kahit anong laruan, ibibigay nya sa akin. eh ikot naman ako sa toyland. medyo pihikan kasi ako kaya wala talaga ako mapili. ang tagal namin sa toyland noon. nung medyo napansin ko na ang tagal na namin doon, pinili ko na lang yung Spider-man na Bend-ems. sobrang special ng laruan na iyon para sa akin dahil yun ang laruan na naalala ko na binili sa akin ni nana. kahit nagkasira-sira na ito at naputol pa yung kamay, di ko ito tinapon.

kung tutuusin, may tampo ako kay nana. si nana kasi yung tipong may mga favorite. at di ako ang isa sa mga favorite nya. pero ngayon ko lang narealize na, napaka-unfair ko. kasi di naman porket di ako favorite ay di na nya ako mahal. kaya kahit may mga favorite sya, it doesnt change the fact na mahal pa rin nya kaming lahat ng mga apo nya. and to receive love from someone who's been through a lot of pain and sacrifice is a big deal kasi its coming from someone who has so much love to give. kaya nana, im sorry and pasensya na kung naging ganito ako. salamat sa pagmamahal"

yeah. i think my speech went along that line. and yesterday, while i was crying my eyes out in front of their grave, i was telling them that i hope i inherited my grandfather's lawyering skills. that i become a great lawyer just like my grandfather. that i dont disappoint my clients and serve them well. i wished my grandfather could give me pointers on how to be a good lawyer. i mean, he was a practicing lawyer until he became seriously ill because of old age. i hope i develop the same passion for lawyering.

and if there's anything i would like to inherit from my grandmother, its her strong heart. i hope i inherited her resilient heart that's never afraid to love and can endure all the pain and sacrifice. she's been through a lot of heartaches. she lost her husband to someone else and she lost two sons because they were killed for their political convictions. but that did not stop her from loving the people around her. and up until the end, seeing her in that hospital bed during her last days, i can still see her wanting to express her love for us, wanting to show her appreciation and longing to be with her loved ones. the thing im proud of my grandmother is that, her great love, her strong heart, made her live with no regrets, which made her close to God. i think that's how she lived. and yesterday, i really hoped that i have a heart as big as hers. or at least, i can love the same way she did. love someone without reservations. that its not a game where you win or lose but its something that you allow to happen and grow within you. i really hope that i have my grandmother's heart. and her courage to face pain and suffering that comes along with truly loving another person.

after the short visit, i thought of visiting my grandparents more frequently. then i went home. but before i got home, i got a flat tire. then i thought, "crap. even dead people dont want me around". or maybe my grandfather is still pissed because i went to Puerto Galera during his wake.

yup. im too old to be acting like a kid

ive been drinking a lot lately. i missed it. i miss drinking buckets of beer. the sad part is, im the only one drinking a lot. my friends just drink a bottle or two while i drink five. just to have the buzz i guess. i wondered, "what the crap happened to us?" life was much better when we were young and reckless. now, everyone's safe and steady. doesnt it bore them? can't we do anything more fun than a few bottles of beer and out of town trips? are the crazy times really gone? are they happy with being boring?

then a thought hit me. they dont need to drink like i do simply because they arent bored. they're happy actually. theyre happily attached to someone or they're with good company. and that makes their lives so much better that they dont need crazy nights, buckets of beer and insane moments.

fuck. im one of the few left who's still single. but then again, i already thought about this. i mean, i knew im going to be single up until this point. actually until death comes for me. i knew what to expect. but what i didnt expect is how hard the sudden realization will hit me when im actually experiencing what i have anticipated.

lately, everyone's getting married and a friend just pointed it out to me last night while she was smoking her cigarette. i just told her, "well, were old". but is that what really explains why people are getting married? not really. its just everyone wants to settle down because theyre ready to settle down. thats why they get married. they found that someone they want to settle down with. boring from my point of view but for them, its immensely satisfying. would i want that? of course. but the real question, will i be given the opportunity to have that? i hope so. cant believe im starting to have hope. yeah. its time to admit that i do want what my friends are having. not out of envy. because im tired of convincing myself that i can be a loner til i die, that all i need is myself

i have a bad feeling about this

usually when i buy groceries, i do it systematically by covering each aisle. i dont have a list. i just look at the shelves and get what i need or want. i also have a budget. but i do the computation mentally. and it works out. i havent exceeded my grocery budget by more than P500 despite the lack of list of stuff to buy and by just grabbing food items from shelves. i just walk and grab stuff then compute. when i think im about to exceed my budget, i check which item needs to go. but like i said, i haven't really exceeded my budget to the point i need to return items.

anyway, i did something different a while ago. instead of the usual thing of walking at every aisle, i just allowed my feet to take me where it wanted to take me. to my suprise, i ended up at the aisle where the item i forgot to buy at the other supermarket was located. how nice. so i tried to do it again, i just kept walking without thinking and for the second time, i found the next item i was looking for. and these arent items i usually buy so i dont know where its located. i probably looked like an idiot because i was just walking around the supermarket without really looking at the stuff. i just absentmindedly walked around then stopped, then found out that the item i need to get is right in front of me.

i guess my Dirk Gently navigation skills are back. its a navigation skill that is gut based. you dont have to think that much. actually, you rely on your instinct. well, strictly speaking, if i remember correctly, the Dirk Gently navigation skill is following someone who appears to be going to the same place you are going. if that person isnt going to the same place you are going, youre simply bound to reach a place where you may not want to be, but where you need to be. in the end, it is not without purpose. you are exactly where you have to be. that is why i adopted the Dirk Gently navigation system

in a somewhat related note, thats what my deja vus are for. when i get that deja vu phenomenon, it assures me that i am where i am supposed to be. its like telling me that i havent deviated from the path i need to be in. lately, i havent had a deja vu. but then again, the universe has been silent for about a month and a half. last November, its signals were so strong that its really difficult for me to ignore it. then when December kicked in, its like i became deaf and blind because i couldnt sense anything from the universe. what the fuck?

anyway, i think im regaining my non-physical senses back. never lost my sense of foresight but its usually augmented by guts. and this past month, my guts had shit for brains.

Am i more than you bargained for yet? A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it

20__, is that you? Damn it!

life is loosely based on movies

back in May 2011, my uncle said i was destined to be a lawyer. because despite the fact it wasnt my childhood dream, or it was never my wholehearted intention to become one, i still ended up being one. up until today i ask, how the hell did i become a fucking lawyer? actually, that is an interesting story. anyway, i guess it is really destiny. but why? i dont think im good at lawyering. i can be good enough if i try. and i rarely try. people expect great things from me. maybe i will be assassinated some day for something political. but before that happens, i need to find my passion. for now, its just mere destiny.

destiny. fate. im not even sure if i believe in it. i think i do. but like all things in my life, i doubt it. im insanely skeptical about everything.

maybe that explains why i like to just keep walking around without a plan. im secretly hoping to bump into a girl that would make me suddenly exclaim "ah! this girl is my destiny". where a simple eye contact, or a sweet smile means something incredibly deep. ive had simple eye contacts and received sweet smiles in return from girls ive met somewhat randomly but none of them were meaningful. the closest thing to something that had a semblance of substance was when i keep accidentally seeing this girl for five consecutive days. i just dropped by to grab a snack in a nearby food stall, "poof!" there she is. i slip inside the computer area to browse something on the internet, there she is printing something. i was just passing by the corridor, she would suddenly come out of the room i had no idea she was in. it was insane because i rarely bump into her prior to that five consecutive day period. what does it mean? why do i keep seeing her? the timing was really perfect. and peculiar. because these fortunate accidents happened after an unfortunate incident. when weve decided to call off the thing we decided to do. i asked for a second chance. she was determined to really end it. or so i think. the first time i bumped into her, i felt really bad because i felt im now looking at the girl that ive lost forever. and she's someone i cant wait forever to have me again. i realized, if i cant wait for her to be ready for it, i really dont like her as much as i thought. just like the girl that ive searched and waited for ten fucking years and in the end, she was just a big disappointment. or that girl that drove me crazy that when things ended, i got severely depressed for months. so much for destiny there.

so maybe im not destined to be with a girl? hm. well, aside from the fact that ive never been attracted to guys, i feel harassed when guys check me out. i cringe at the thought. i enjoy sticking my P in a V. i love boobies. when i was younger, my best experience was riding the Tricycle. there really should be a title belt for this achievement. i just happened to be at the right place at the right time. well, if were talking about experience points. but life isnt really about gaining experience points.

anyway, a friend once told me life isnt a romantic comedy. its not like, things go great, everything is like clockwork, then after all the issues and conflicts in between, its inevitable that in the end, things will work out like magic. maybe relationships are as ordinary as starting out as friends then growing to like and eventually love that person, then actually striving to make things work. if it doesnt work, go your separate ways. i dont know. ive never been a person afflicted with the ordinary. that's why someone said im like the Curious Case of Tristofer Troisvallees. If its different, interesting and challenging, life automatically gives it to me.

maybe destiny isnt what the movies portray it to be. maybe its as simple as meeting someone under peculiar circumstances or in a somewhat unexpected time. someone you will grow to like. someone you'll eventually want to be together with, do activities with, someone that complements or supplements you. or someone that you enjoy the company with. someone kickass or someone insanely incredible. someone you will want to love unconditionally. i mean, what are the chances of meeting someone that you really like, without any pretensions or underlying motives? just grow to like someone in sheer simplicity with a level of connection that is inordinately deep. can destiny be that simple, without all the drama and wonderful fleeting moments?  because if it is, all you have to do is do what everyone is doing, or what most people do. you just keep meeting people until you find that perfect match. you dont wait for fortunate accidents to happen. you dont look for magical moments to come your way. you just try to be open and explore every possibility and hope that magical moment will come to you. if it doesnt, just hope that eventually you will find that perfect fish in the sea. destiny is as simple as reducing those millions of fish to around 50 or less. ok, maybe not 50. 25 or 18? youre lucky to find it after six to seven tries. youre extremely lucky if you only get three strikes. i feel bad for the person who finds it on the first try. really? just one fish? just one V for your entire life? meh. whatever works.

The future is...promising?

There are days when i forget im a lawyer. Today isnt one of those days. Lately, work matters have been really, really stressful. Lately means more or less a month. And stressful not because of the load but because of the uncertainty of  being able to transfer to another employer. I've informed my current office as early as October 2012 that I'm planning to transfer to a government office. Up until today, that has not happened. To make things worse, our associate lawyer resigned last month, leaving behind the entire law office to me.

What's driving me nuts is that I'm in a situation where its hard to make promises to clients. That I cant promise that I'm going to be there for them until their cases end. For a person who never breaks a promise, its difficult for me to say that "I will do my best but I have to inform you now that I might leave the law office any time so I can only commit to the next hearing date" or "I can only help you with the filing of your pleading given that my current status here as a lawyer is a bit uncertain". I know I shouldnt have made such comments but the thing is, I dont want to make a promise that I wont keep. Clients usually ask for a long term relationship with their lawyers. Its tiring to see that look of disappointment in my clients' eyes. Theyve consulted lawyers before and when they finally think they've seen someone they can rely on, someone they want to handle their case, someone who can help them for free, I cant really promise them anything. Some would say it's because deep inside I really care. I do. I will no longer deny that. That maybe, I do have a heart. But some friends say I need to think about myself too. If I'm going to give free legal service, might as well work for the government agency which provides it.

When I started lawyering, I didnt really mind doing it for free. I mean, I'm earning enough to feed myself with good food, provide food for my family, pay bills and have some extra income for miscellaneous stuff. Now, I realized, the future isnt really as simple as the present. And I'm somone who is always prepared for whatever the future brings. Damn it foresight, dont fail me now.

Im tired of magic tricks...I dont want to be fooled

Every great magic trick consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The magician shows you something ordinary: a deck of cards, a bird or a man. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed real, unaltered, normal. But of course... it probably isn't. The second act is called "The Turn". The magician takes the ordinary something and makes it do something extraordinary. Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know. You want to be fooled. But you wouldn't clap yet. Because making something disappear isn't enough; you have to bring it back. That's why every magic trick has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige"."- Cutter

im a sucker for aegyo

the "puss in boots" face, them lips! them hips! cant believe they didnt release this way back in 2008. for a cover song, its better than Duffy's...im just a sucker for aegyo.

return of the insomniac

so i roamed the city streets at past midnight. my feet were restless. well, ive been restless for weeks. as much as possible i dont want to be indoors during the night. sigh. anyway, i saw this old man, probably in his 60s or 70s. he was wearing a cap, sunglasses (yup, sunglasses at 1 in the morning), and lighting a fucking cigarette. and he was just loitering there, sitting under a tree, like "meh. i really dont have anything else to do and i dont feel like sleeping". he doesnt look like someone who sleeps on the streets. he's like someone who's bored and decided to just go out and roam. then i thought "am i going to end up like him? bored and alone at 1am, smoking a cig under a tree, on a polluted highway, watching fucking cars speed by". thats what im doing now. the only difference is im walking and not just sitting there idly. but to be doing the same thing for decades? crap. that sucks. fuck. that fucking sucks.

hopefully im going to die in three years. if recurring visions are true. if not, crap. i already have a plan in case the high school hunch does push through but, the thing with plans, or my plans, is that life tends to mess it up. just for the sake of messing with me. cmon life. give me a break. ive been putting up with your shit for years and i dont ask for anything in return. or if i did ask for anything, i promptly gave something in return. so stop being a prick? okay? dont undo what i have done. i really, really would like to be a nice guy. but if you keep messing things up, you know i can be a pain in the fucking ass. im going to be that stubborn kid with a fucking tantrum. im going to give death the finger for being a fucking pussy. cmon death. what the fuck? are you life's bitch? yeah. i think i just lost some screws on my way home. and they say today is the end of the fucking world. holy shit. life, piss me off and this is going to be end of the world as we know it.

damn it. i need to get some sleep. i dont know what im saying anymore. nothing good happens after 2am so i better shut my mouth before life gets pissed off and take some drastic measures to keep me in line. sorry life (and death), im really not myself right now. 

breaking stuff since 1983

this week has been about breaking stuff. or things getting broken.

Smoking:
Yup. After quitting a few years ago, i managed to pick up that wonderful stick of cigarette. Holy crap. I missed it so much! I have been craving for it for weeks. The craving was really driving me nuts. I was having that imaginary taste of nicotine in my mouth. So when i finally gave in, it was like "good God! im sorry but fuck! why cant i smoke this everyday?!" Fortunately, i can still control myself well enough that i havent picked up a second stick since then. But lately, ive been catching myself staring at women at the smoker's area in restaurants. they must think im looking at them but im actually eyeing the cigarette stick theyre holding between their fingers. well, if they're hot, im also eyeing them but fuck! what i really want is that cigarette stick!


Simbang Gabi:
I managed to complete Simbang Gabi two years in a row. Not this year. I havent even attended one. Crap. Well, God, this wasnt part of the promise i made back in 2009. i never made an offer to attend Simbang Gabi. so, i didnt break our deal. So far ive managed to comply with my end of the bargain. if i havent, send some lightning my way. or actually hit me with lightning. it doesnt really matter to me anymore. And im sorry if im taking too long with the communion thing. You have to admit, im finding it difficult to forgive myself. My condition was, and still is, im going to start receiving holy communion when im ready. for a person who is commonly perceived as an atheist, i take my faith and worship seriously.


Running Shoes:
Plus broke. sort of. while walking inside the mall, my right running shoe felt weird. when i checked it half an hour later (yup, it took me half an hour to reach that level of curiosity why my right running shoe felt weird while walking), part of the sole was already detached. do i fix it or buy another pair? im thinking both.


Woman's Heart:
Yeah. i really dont like breaking women's hearts. actually i dont break women's hearts...intentionally. im the one who usually gets his heart broken. But i have to. Christmas is just around the corner so i better break it before Christmas. damn it! Why cant "im really busy right now. most likely im going to be busy until election time" a sufficient hint? i stopped answering her text messages too. Why would someone insist on texting a person who hasnt answered for days? and the last text message i sent was "sorry, im really busy. i have no time". come to think of it, i also experienced being at the other end. but i got the hint after a couple of days of being ignored. i was just bored thats why i kept pestering her. why do we have to complicate things?

then fast forward a few years later, theyre going to be in some law office, complaining about their partners. people have the knack for choosing the wrong person for the wrong reasons. usually, its really a matter of being more logical during the time you were making that crucial choice which to keep and which to let go. sometimes im tempted to say, "when you chose that partner of yours, what were you thinking? oh. wait, you werent thinking. and now youre crying your eyes out? what happened to the other person? is she or he better off compared to you?" well, if i said this, my client would probably unleash hell in my office since im not really helping. meh. what do i know? i just keep on moving until i reach the end of the journey. the unbaggable mr. kite.