i was looking for a previous blog entry on me being a supposed former infatuation junkie and i couldnt find any. thats odd. i could have sworn i posted a blog entry having that as a topic. i browsed drafts (i dont delete some blog entries that i dont publish. might be useful someday) and i didnt find it. well, i didnt really search thoroughly. the reason im looking for it is because whatever i wrote there might be useful now. and since it apparently doesnt exist, might as well write it now for future reference. so note to future self, here's the supposed former infatuation junkie blog entry. the date today isnt easy to forget.
so im a supposed former infatuation junkie. i think i started becoming an infatuation junkie way back in high school. i started becoming a former infatuation junkie during the latter part of college. i realized that im a supposed former infatuation junkie during law school. or maybe earlier. i dont really know when exactly but what i do know is that i thought i stopped being an infatuation junkie during the latter years of my college life because i dont recall having any infatuation for anyone during that time. or so i think. this is one of my problems. i cant really say for sure sometimes because i have the tendency to hide things from myself. i can keep secrets from myself ala Fight Club (sort of). its not that im not aware, i just purposely forget (got the idea when i read about the Russian who had a very good memory that it became so burdensome he developed a system for him to forget things). like the scene in Inception where Cobb and Ariadne were in the elevator. its simply compartmentalizing your memories and keeping them locked somewhere beyond the reach of consciousness (the same way as compartmentalizing one's personalities which is best illustrated in the Father in FMA:B and probably the reason for my inconsistencies since i nurture personalities that contradict each other. well, i like to see as many viewpoints as possible). this is different from altering your memories. got the idea from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. although in that movie, memories were erased, i thought of another idea from the process. now why would one alter one's memory? well, theyre not irreversibly altered but...its like the one in Harry Potter where one can tamper with one's memory in order to protect one's secrets in case someone tries to see the memory. im not saying i think someone can see my memory but...point is, it has its application in the real world. i just think im starting to sound like a crazy person. well, i prefer to be seen as someone who likes to tweak at the capacity of the human brain and using myself as a test subject.
after digressing, i havent really figured out how to deal with being an infatuation junkie (future self would probably say, "really? wow, this entry is useful. you gots to give me more than this past self or...well, i cant actually threaten you can i?"
i just have an indulgent personality (which was my answer to my college friend in 2004 while on board a taxi passing Ortigas (damn you Ortigas!) when he asked: why are you afraid of being in a relationship? well, if i posted the draft of the blog entry that precedes this blog entry (it precedes it in a chronological manner), my answer to that friend is really a half-truth). i think my being an infatuation junkie developed because i was placed in a school exclusively for boys. i mean, ive started having crushes when i was in grade one and had a new crush every year. seriously, every year, different girl. then high school, i enrolled in an all boys school (which i sort of blame for sucking the life out of me. thats when i changed from being a cheerful, hyperactive kid to a...energy saving, weird and bored hater). one just cant be happy in such a place (i guess it messed me up beyond repair).
thank God for TV, i can still see females of the human specie that i could possibly have a crush on. well, it was the next best thing. i just had this need to like someone i guess and i cant find any in my high school obviously. no one in the neighborhood either. and thats how i became an infatuation junkie. that infatuation lasted for years. when i shared this to a college friend (because we were running out of things to talk about), she first looked at me with disbelief and when she realized i wasnt kidding, she said she will never see me the same way again. years later (which was last year), not sure if she noticed, she and some other college friends would find this infatuation in "my" laptop. and my reply was "i dont know how it got there. probably my sister's." i got a "yeah right" reply from one of them but seriously, i dont know how it got there. must have placed it there unconsciously because i wasnt even aware that its inside the laptop.
now i understand why my infatuation junkie self kicked in. its because im "locked up"! i discouraged myself from going out because pretty women distract me (and they distract me more when they sit near me and are wearing intoxicating perfumes. luckily i havent encountered anyone wearing a raspberry scent. i would probably flip. just thinking about the scent is really driving me nuts. why does she have...anyways). avoiding distractions didnt actually help. now i see the problem. i cant go out because i get distracted (and the reason i get distracted easily because im avoiding "distractions" of the persistent kind. i havent been in hermit mode for quite some time so that probably aggravated things. why the hell did i abandon hermit mode? wait, yeah, i remember, something happened in 2009. damn it. i was conditioning myself back then for the bar already. i just had to disobey myself. Life, whatever your fucking plan is, it better be good because i think my plan is great but you just keep interfering). if i continue to stay indoors, infatuation junkie self kicks in. pretty women are my fucking weakness (if i like women that much, why do i appear to have an aversion toward them? that can be answered by referring to the blog entry that precedes this post chronologically. unfortunately, it contains sensitive information so i didnt post it. without the blog entry, the answer is obvious anyway. it has to do with something like Superman not exposing himself to kryptonite. i never liked Superman. always been a Batman person. well, more of Marvel person so Batman was the only one i like in the DC Universe. again, i digress).
damn it. there's no cure for something i dont want to be cured of. its either i give in to the "distraction" of the persistent kind so i wont be easily distracted when i go out or...there is no or. wait, there is. or i continue indulging until i get fed up (thats not really an option now is it?). the latter suggestion is stupid (and so is the former. sort of). my first infatuation lasted for 2-3 years. but then again, that was when i was "locked-up" in an all boy school. i mean, i had to keep my sanity within the sausage fest walls. a possible solution is to purposely forget my current infatuation but i havent really tried blocking an infatuation before. i just let it run its course and die out on its own. this could last for weeks or months. i'll probably figure someting out.
i think this blog entry just confirmed the fact that im a girl. well, im a lesbian, a girl attracted to girls. well, a lesbian stuck in a guy's body so it kinda works out. actually, this just confirms im very, very weird.
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