its november already. i wonder how this month will turn out? october was quite nice. it was a "love" filled month. im not sure if it was the months of isolation and reviewing but october, or last month, was a month where people gave me a lot of "love". people just made me felt they were there and that they care, even if im always neither here nor there (just wanted to add another phrase that rhymes) for them. i guess what made me notice it more was the fact that i wasnt expecting any kind of such form of affection from others. my interaction with family and friends last month made me felt appreciated. or something to that effect. its not something i yearn because i usually prefer recognition than appreciation but its nice. its nice to be thought of as a good friend.
ever since i became the silent type, i never saw myself as a "good" friend. even my high school friend and law school friend tell me this. they say i never care about anybody or anyone (another law school friend would counter that i just pretend not to care. my actions speak otherwise). i just mind my own business, not meddle with other people's affairs and do my own thing. i just attended a high school mini-reunion the other day and my friend said he's very sure that out of all the people in that gathering, im the one who is most clueless who the crap most of the people in that room are. he was right. i can recognize only 1/3 of my high school batchmates and out of that 1/3, i cant even remember the names of the others. he said its because i dont care about other people. i have a to "hell with everybody else" attitude. well, to a certain extent, that is true. if im not interested, i wont exert any effort to be interested. its a waste of energy. then why the hell did i attend the reunion? well, i was interested to attend (and its a saturday night. there are times when i hate to be at home on a saturday night). unfortunately, that doesnt mean im curious about what everybody was doing. in a way, i might be interested but i just dont want to exert that much effort. i think i was more curious than interested.
im also like that as a friend. people say im this nice person but i doubt anyone has ever described as that person who's always there in times of need of others. well, i have the reputation of being reliable. and i think a cousin and a few friends have described me as such person (i just realized how inaccurate my first statement was. as usual, i just think as i write). i guess im just good at being there at the right moments. its not that i go out of my way to help others. nor am i mindful of being there for others. ive always seen myself as that friend you shouldnt put your entire trust on. but some would counter that's just my weird way of caring for others. point is, i just dont see myself as a good friend. but now that i think about it (just now), maybe i am. maybe im stuck in my old view of myself, when i was this person that can quickly abandon people simply because i can. there are billions of people on this planet, and since i was a kid, ive always had this belief that i can be friends with anyone i want. so no friend is indispensable. of course i learned the hard way that its not entirely true but because of pride, i would rather let things be than make things right. a lot of things from my past haunt me.
in an unrelated note, my habit of having a middle man to communicate with others resurfaced. i dont know where i picked up this habit. its sort of automatic for me to speak only with people i want to talk to or im used to talking to. just yesterday, a salesman tried to talk to me about their shoes and i didnt even look at him. i merely gestured that he talk to my brother. well, if it was a saleslady, that wouldnt have been the case. even if its my brother who would buy the shoes, im the one who's going to do the talking. and i also prefer if the salespeople not approach me when im buying something. i would like them to wait to be called. it disrupts my train of thought when im checking stuff out.
well, october was a nice month. i wouldnt want november to be the same. it will either bore me or i might abuse the "blessings" im getting. more likely the former.
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