i guess i will live to see 2014

a lot happened this year. i fell for someone, i went corporate, i met a terrible accident, one of my best friends died while another best friend got married, got stranded due to a supertyphoon and family matters got complicated. i guess those are the highlights.

tough year. really tough. whatever doesnt kill you make you stronger they say. well, im not getting any younger so it becomes more difficult to stay strong. physically at least.

ive been driving my van lately and it keeps...dying. after the accident, i had it fixed. it took months because it really had a bad crash. but i guess after all the repairs, it will never be the same again. it will always have that scar no matter how much i try to hide it. it might keep on dying on me no matter how many times i have it repaired. the crash really did mess it up. it looks good on the outside but its not really doing well. actually, if anyone would take a closer look at it, its "wounds" from the accident are still there. i guess thats permanent because the repair guys said theyve done everything. unfortunately, they just cant remove the stains and cant fix the small dents.

in a way, im no different from my van. i may not be taking meds for some maintenance shit like some of my friends or havent undergone some surgery or had a serious illness but i grow weak each day. im not even sure if what im having is some simple back pain or some kidney problem. or why my left knee is taking months to get better. or why my left middle finger always feels injured. i easily get bruises and muscle pains. i wont be surprised if my lungs start acting up. my heart already feels its struggling in pumping blood. i dont know. its been a tough year. had to consume all the booze that i can drink, eat all the meat and sweets i can get, smoke all the cigs and weed i can smoke, and date the women i can easily hook up with. well, whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

then there's the crazy chick who keeps making me realize...stuff. i feel bad for...us. but then again, as she pointed out, she was the one who made the first move. i never make the first move. she keeps pointing out traits she hates about me which somehow explains why things will never work out for me. i act like a genie. i dont act or do things unless im asked. i may make all the wishes come true but i have to be asked first. well, as my first employer said, i lack the initiative. but i never fail to deliver. but thats not what girls want. they want to be desired, loved, cared for, feel special...without asking the guy. i almost said that i already did those to other women and that didnt work out but i decided to shut up because if i get asked why i did that to other women and not to her, the answer is obvious. i dont need another drama episode. then i realized...all i really want is to have fun. have some adventure. i guess im not a relationship person. im impatient, im always skeptical when things are too good to be true, i always think everything is temporary or everything ends and all i think about is myself. 

i hope someday, if i live long enough in 2014, i would stop lying to myself and admit that i did fall in love and unfortunately, i was too scared to acknowledge it and i walked away because i refused to believe it was possible. that it is in fact possible to care for someone more than anyone else, including myself. that it is possible to see eternity despite the knowledge that life is short. that one can find inner peace in a struggle. that you can just find yourself doing things for someone just to make her happy without expecting anything in return or even thinking about it. that there are things you just know even if it lacks rhyme or reason. well, better luck next time. if there is a next time.

12 days shy of one year. he was really pissed

hey, you were right. would have appreciated to hear your thoughts on the matter. but then again, you may have implied it was going to end sooner or later when you said "enjoy it lang pare". was i that clueless? hopeful? or hopeless? in any case, im sorry for being a disappointment. just realized that your last text message was about her.

cant believe this song's been stuck with me since July 2012.

 

imma win this time

this "godhood resolution" is much more difficult than expected. whenever im making progress, whenever im starting to get my old life back, whenever im about to make a run for it to put my plans on full throttle, the universe manifests its vehement opposition and pushes me back down to the ground. its like climbing out of a pit and suddenly crashing back to the bottom because someone is ensuring i dont get out of it.

i think i understand now why the thing i prevented from happening last year happened. i just gave the universe a way to stop me. or the universe allowed it to happen in order to have something to stop me. sneaky bastard. now, i see that face wherever i look and i freeze and my mind shuts down. it cant be. im supposed to have forgotten what she looks like. it just keeps finding ways to challenge my decision and i keep finding countermeasures to strengthen my resolve. if there's anything im sure of, its the fact that im going to win against the universe this time. im going to do whatever it takes. i'll keep burning bridges if i have to. never trust the universe. i shouldnt have broken that rule. now i need to figure out a way to develop an immunity from it.come to think of it, nothing good happens whenever i break my rules. i should put all my rules in writing.

anyway, good news is, im in goddamn good health. i havent been sick since December last year. i mean, really sick. i only get headaches once every two months at the most or a negligible runny nose that lasts for only a few hours or some cough that lasts for a couple of days. that's despite the fact that im pushing myself to my limit (thats the only way you become better). i dont rest and i have my vices back(all you need is alcohol, something to smoke and some risky activity and youre all set. thats enough to beat the boredom).

im a consultant/liaison officer for a GOCC during the day and a consultant for a law office during the night and weekends. Im also available for legal consultation and render legal advice to my acquaintances and relatives. that's like three work hats. and i only get paid for my day job (and i dont even get my salary regularly). i work 7 days a week with weekdays having 14 work hours. my brother even found it weird that when my saturday plans were cancelled last weekend, my idea for making the most out of it was spending the entire day in the office working on a pleading. my pre-law school self would kill me if he sees that i work alone inside an office all day. he wanted to have an outdoor work with trees and nature shit, constantly travelling and never holed up indoors. well, reality bites.

no rest, no fun and i dont get sick. sure i have a bad left knee but that only prevents me from running or walking fast. other than that, im A-Ok. im proof that a busy, depressing lifestyle doesnt make you less healthy. ive managed to channel my apparent limitless energy to my work thus improving my productivity. the only thing stopping me from fully exploiting this "immunity from illness" is the universe thus preventing me from taking it to the next level. i can make up for the four years ive lost if the universe will just stop interfering with my plans

i guess im incredibly intelligent

Hemingway is credited to having said that "happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing i know".

happiness is a warm gun. bang. bang. shoot. shoot.

just finished the night shift lawyer thingie. second day. sadly, its not a regular thing...at the moment. i only have one case so far. and im going to be called in whenever the need arises. so its another consultancy employment. and its kinda cool that i have a day office in Makati and a night office in QC. and if the night office had interns, i might become an urban legend because i only go to the law office after regular office hours. im the lawyer no one sees. except for the staff that stays there with me while im on night shift.

i dont get it. my former boss wants me back and my current boss seems to be determined to keep me. even if i havent given my best effort. im currently screwing up right now. the president of the corporation just asked what my salary was...after i failed to attend the meeting because i was late and after i failed to do the task she assigned to me because i really didnt understand what she wanted. if she's planning to do some salary reduction, well, im practically working for free for more than 2 weeks now since i havent received my salary. it was really good timing that ive blown all my money out of boredom. and i accepted a pro bono night shift duty. wow. i should get good karma points for these.

point is, im a lawyer not because of the money. im also not a lawyer because i want to help people. fuck that public service bullshit. as my uncle would put it, im a lawyer because i was destined to become one. i had no concrete plans to finish law school, i wasnt determined to pass the bar. and i didnt expect that i would be doing well in practice where i usually win my cases, make sound legal advice and come up with satisfactory legal solutions. my grades would never reflect that! on paper, im a dumbass. and i am a dumbass in real life. sooner or later, im going to be disbarred. when i get bored enough, i might even disbar myself. how? i dont know yet.

going back, why is it rare for intelligent people to have happiness? maybe because of boredom? awareness? i dont know. i just think im hard to please and im a very complicated and difficult person to deal with. how can happiness enter the picture under such circumstances? point is, im intelligent and im not happy. miserable actually. Hemingway is right. it is rare. since it is rare, it means its not impossible for intelligent people to be happy. in my case, ive tried but i constantly fail. if i were to list my meaningful failures and meaningless pursuits sequentially and write stories about them, these would be the probable titles:

The Girl Behind the Password
Miss Raspberry Scent
Crash, Burn & FUBAR
Luningning
Bicolana Express
The "Prude" Nursing Student from Cavite
The Mascot with a Scorpion Tattoo
Cerveza Negra
"Koreana" Paraiso
Pinkish Glow
Miss Tuesday
Dangerous Liaisons
Petite and Sultry Caddie
Ilocana Princess
Spoiled Single Mom
Airhead Dancer

amusing titles with somewhat interesting stories. behind the heartaches and pain, there's always something good to be derived from it. always. but that good thing never amounts to happiness. why? because im intelligent. im aware of things that changes the way i perceive the world order. so yeah. i think its awareness and boredom that makes it difficult for happiness to enter the lives of intelligent people. not my final answer though.

ho-hum

GWR: hey! what's up?
TLT: not much
GWR: how are you? its been quite some time...
TLT: yeah. about a year more or less
GWR: haha. about a year to be exact
TLT: huh?
GWR: its been exactly one year since we last spoke.
TLT: oh. wow. you remember.
GWR: of course.
TLT: so what are you up to?
GWR: you know me. still ______. i think the real question is, what are you up to?
TLT: lawyering. what else?
GWR: that wasnt what you intended to do one year ago
TLT: really? what did i intend to do one year ago?
GWR: ______
TLT: oh. was that the plan? well, ive got a better one now
GWR: told you it wont work.
TLT: what makes you think it didnt work? haha. and since when did I listen to you?
GWR: since when did you listen to anybody?
TLT: well, i think im closer to getting myself hired as a consultant
GWR: changing the topic as usual
TLT: ok. what do you want to talk about?
GWR: what exactly are you doing?
TLT: umm..talking to you?
GWR: T, i know you. i know where this is going. five years down the road, i know a part of you will feel youve deprived yourself of another childhood.
TLT: huh?
GWR: we may not have communicated for a year but i know what's up with you. i hear youre working too much. i know about the consultant thing. youve proposed to work on weekends and on weeknights in your former office. youre doing that "cheat code" thing again where you gain so much experience in so little time. the same way you acquired your so-called wisdom that made you appear smart. everytime you shut the world out, its like you level-up and get ahead. you immerse yourself in that...greatness shit. but it always ends up with a part of you eating you up for depriving yourself of something more important. you always try to beat the system and you do it as a distraction
TLT: W, im aware of that. and im ok with it. the thing is, im tired. im tired of people trying to make me happy. it hurts me when they fail because i know it hurts them. my parents, my friends, everyone. all of them make attempts...to cheer me up, to make me happy, to at the very least, make life satisfactory. and all of them are not even close to succeeding because none of them can give me what i want. heck! i dont even know what i want
GWR: T, i know you know what you want. since when did you ever become unsure of what you want? you just dont want to go get it. and thats what i dont get. was it really that bad? i mean ______
TLT: if thats what you think, then ______. in any case, its irrelevant. dont you think?
GWR: why is it irrelevant?
TLT: because i dont care about that anymore. i never did care. i dont have an aptitude for that
GWR: blech! dont give me that "im too cold to care" shit. T, ive always told you that ______
TLT: go believe what you want. the things is ______
GWR: hm. i guess you really are back. i mean ______
TLT: yup. just like old times.
GWR: so that means ill be seeing you more often?
TLT: nope. you'll be seeing me more often. see the difference?
GWR: haha. yeah. and i dont agree. i think you'll be the one consulting me.
TLT: i dont think so. im good. youre the one who wont be able to resist ______
GWR: keep telling yourself that. oh. and by the way, i also know about ______ and ______. T, are you really sure with what youre doing?
TLT: i think you know the answer to that. and i like the way you phrased the question
GWR: i suggest you pay a visit to ______. or at least give him a call and reconnect with him. there might come a time you wont have a choice
TLT: way ahead of you.
GWR: uh oh. thats not good. it means ______
TLT: haha. yeah. but i'll manage. i always do
GWR: you really have to stop this. sooner or later your luck will run out.
TLT: when that day comes ______. but until then, ______.
GWR: seriously, your boredom is as destructive as your doubt.
TLT: that's why i kill boredom. because boredom can kill me.
GWR: how about your doubt?
TLT: its useful. why do you think im effective in my work?
GWR: and why do you think everything else doesnt work for you?
TLT: ______
xxx             xxx              xxx

you have no idea what i have or havent done to get where i am - mike ross

"You're a fraud and you know it
But it's too good to throw it all away
Anyone would do the same
You've got 'em going
And you're careful not to show it
Sometimes you even fool yourself a bit
It's like magic
But it's always been a smoke and mirrors game
Anyone would do the same"

- Smoke and Mirrors

would anyone have done the same? i still remember that look of disappointment and disgust from more than half a decade ago. i always crossed the line because i never really cared about my future. or about anything. and back then, i just...went too far. it was my never my intention...well, it happened and what's done cannot be undone. even if i say sorry and visit that person's grave everyday for the rest of my life, im still bound to pay for what happened then.

i thought i finally broke free from that period of regret. i thought i was finally forgiven and was given a chance to be truly...well, i got my bag of fucking bricks back. fits me well. at least i wont ruin people's lives anymore.

the more i meet that woman, i want to see her more - Yutaka

“To live is to be ready to say goodbye,
For loneliness is a friend who will not betray.
Shiver not in the pouring love, instead buy an umbrella.
Believe not in happiness,
even in the passions of love…
Confess not your love,
even if you would die for it.
For love is like a season;
It comes and goes to decorate life’s boredom.
The moment you call it Love,
it melts away like an ice sculpture…
Goodbye, Someday.
Happiness lasts not forever;
as despair lasts not forever.
One day you will need to say ‘goodbye’,
Just like how you said ‘hello.’
At death, some look back on being loved;
while some look back on having loved…
I shall look back on having loved…”

- Sayonara Itsuka

"Can you really hold the woman you love, with your blood stained hands?" - Roy Mustang

"Being the best isn't all it's made out to be. When you're strong, you become arrogant and withdrawn. Even if what you sought after was your dream. - Uchiha Itachi

"Truth is cruel. Out of the cocky ones who tried to revive the dead in order to be embraced by their mother's warmth again, one of them was robbed of his leg with which to stand, and his one and only brother was also taken from him. The other was stripped of his entire body which left him unable to feel warmth at all. The woman who longed for her dead child was given a body no longer able to reproduce. Now, the one who had his eyes fixed on the country's future was robbed of his vision, never again will he be able to see what the future holds. He gives humans their suitable forms of despair to prevent them from getting too conceited. He is the existence which you humans refer to as "God". Truth." - Father (Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood)

hey future self!

yeah. im sorry. i really am. not even God can move me. God has never been good with giving reasons huh? mysterious ways my ass. bet you want to kill me, dont you future self? i wish you could. not even i can do that. im that part of your life who failed at everything. everything. when it mattered the most! yeah. well, i hope you have a stronger resolve.

this is the part of your life you really wouldnt want to read about. that explains why there arent much articles lately. i hope we hit our noggin and forget all about this point of our life. im not even sure if this point of our life is supposed to exist. havent had deja vus lately. had a faint one. its like our life is being re-written. and i have a nasty feeling that youre blaming me for what im doing. well, like i said, not even God can move me. 

but you know, dont you think this is proof that we were right all along? or our past self knew, the high school self, that this is what will happen. that this is our destiny. that we cant escape fate. that each day that passes, it affirms that our past self was right. our 14 year old self saw our future. he even put it on paper to remind us. wonder where that piece of paper is?

he knew better. our 2004 self forgot all about it and believed otherwise. maybe its time to listen to 14 year old self. 2004 self made a mistake

i just watched a movie and well, there are people who die alone. 14 year old self is right. no matter how much you try to get what you want, it will be taken away simply because youre built as a solo act. we were ok with that, going solo for an entire lifetime, until 2004 self decided to fall for someone and broke us beyond repair.

much as i want to refuse to believe my Godless and cocky 14 year old self, well, all the roads point to what he has been saying all along.

"hey chief!"

yeah. thats how you used to greet me. or maybe people. "musta chief?, "ano na naman tinira mo chief?", "bakit ka late chief?"

you were our platoon leader. you appeared to be the leader of your group of friends. that guy who reluctantly takes the leader post because no one wants to take it. you looked like someone who's living a good life. thats why when they said you killed yourself, i refused to believe that you hid a lot of pain behind that friendly smile of yours. i said that it cant be. it must be some accidental shooting or something. a person like you cant be suicidal. youre tough. then the other day,in a matter of seconds while taking my usual grueling MRT ride, i understood. i understood how it must have been for you. i saw what you saw. or i felt what you felt. it really does feel like your head is being split apart huh? millions of screaming voices in your head. you feel your eyes are wide open even if its closed shut. all your five senses are going nuts. to think its possible for your skin to be extremely sensitive and numb, thats crazy isnt it?  it only took seconds but it felt like an hour. what makes it worse?  the seconds will become minutes. minutes to half an hour. the intervals become longer. the next thing you know, youre at the end of the plank, thousands of miles up in the sky and the only thing that makes sense is to jump. its really stupid for you to think its saint peter on the other side. or were you just being sarcastic? because in that dark, God forsaken depth, hope is lightyears away from it. and i doubt saint peter will be at the bottom of that pit.  

my former associate was right. anyone who kills himself is no longer in his or her right mind. i still agree. but now, i understand. its the loneliness that really kills you. the pain is really secondary. the fact that youre seen as everyone's beacon and source of strength or support already gives you tremendous burden. your friends did look up to you. i see them now and well, some did well, some didnt. had you lived longer, you could have been a great lawyer. well, cant blame you. that sickening moment when you lose it just tears you apart, doesnt it? you just want it to stop. to end. i guess thats why ive been exerting a lot of effort not to be alone with my thoughts. maybe you did the same and your friends eventually got tired. i never thought i will be prone to such a pathethic thing. it was never an option. but i guess ive never known this form of pain before. i never thought there's a force thats more destructive than hate and rage. im sorry but i dont want to end up like you. i dont want to be where you ended up. but in the unlikely event i do see you again, im going to say "were a couple of idiots arent we?"

the day my music died

i cant bear to listen to what used to be my mood changer beach boys song. i cant even listen to any song from the 50 First Dates soundtrack. wow. i guess ive outgrown it. too bad. it would have been a decade by next year.

i remember playing it all night long back in 2004. i remember bringing a CD player to listen to it while wearing a graduation toga for the baccalaureate mass. i remember putting my cellphone by my ear to listen to Wouldn't It Be Nice when the get together with college friends got too boring for me. i remember listening to it non-stop during my stay in Bicol. i remember playing it over and over until 2005. it was the only thing i played in my beloved auto. its always in my playlist in all my music players. its in my laptop, mp3 player, tablet, cellphones, memory cards, etc. any media or gadget that plays music, i always have the 50 First Dates soundtrack in it. the full soundtrack and not just the OST. my siblings find it sickening because i tend to play it randomly when things just get too boring. and ive been doing it for almost a decade. heck! i even watched 50 First Dates on the 1st of January of this year. first movie of the year.

now, i cant listen to it anymore. whenever a 50 First Dates song is played while listening to a shuffled playlist, i skip it and when it keeps popping up, i switch the player off. i got tired of it i guess. ive outgrown whatever feelings i have for it. i'll be deleting it in my playlist. for the first time in nine years, my music players wont have 50 First Dates in it.

Words of wisdom from the super pervert

Getting dumped always makes a man stronger. And if he hasn’t experienced it enough to be able to laugh and joke about it, or at least use it as material, he can’t fulfill his duties as a man.

Men aren’t meant to pursue happiness.

Wherever someone thinks of you, that's where home is. 

When people get hurt, they learn to hate... when people hurt others, they become hated and racked with guilt. But knowing that pain allows people to be kind. Pain allows people to grow... and how you grow is up to you.

...Thinking back on it, my story is one full of failures. Tsunade turned me down every time. I couldn't save my friend. I failed to protect my student...and my teacher. Compared to the great hokages that came before me, my accomplishments have been petty and insignificant. I wanted to die like them. A long time ago, I had a conclusion to how my life would end. I lived believing my short-comings were just amusing distractions! That my failings would build character! and in return... After all those losses and mistakes, I would be granted one great, final adventure...

I have been a fool for lesser things

HIMYM S08E20

Ted: Ok, wait, so you're saying, it's doomed completely? One of us is just guaranteed to get sick of the other and call it quits?

Coat-Check Girl: You've been dating for a long time Ted. Has it ever gone any other way?

xxx

Ted: I think I'm going to head home.

Barney: I understand.

Ted: Well, you're not going to try and stop me?

Barney: And how will I try and stop you?

Ted: I don't know. By telling me life is short and if you ever come across a beautiful, exciting, crazy moment in it, you have to seize it while you can before that moment's gone.

Barney: Ted, this moment already is gone. The whole Minesotta Tidal Wave thing happened five years ago. It's just a memory. And the rest of this? Never happened. Right now, Marshall and Lily are upstairs, trying to get little Marvin to go back to sleep. Robin and I are trying to decide on a caterer. And you've been sitting here all night staring at a single ticket to Robots vs. Wrestlers because the rest of us couldn't come out. Look around Ted. You're all alone.

this was supposed to be a march 25th post

i havent written anything for almost 2 months. and im writing now not because im in the mood to write but circumstances have forced to keep my mind occupied with something else.

first, future self, i would like to inform you that i am now working in Makati. got hired in a GOCC last 11 February. how you ask? it happened so fast that i dont know how to explain it either. and ever since, you've been incredibly busy that you dont sleep that much. except last weekend.

2nd, you met an accident 2 weekends ago. i wrecked the auto. sorry for that. but the worst thing that happened is that you hurt someone you deeply care for. that brings us to the third update.

3rd, youve been dating a girl for almost 4 months. and this is a girl that you considered to take seriously right from the start. how did it go? i wouldnt know. the future is not for me to see but if you will ask me, i really hope its a "happily ever after" or something quite like it. not because im tired of the usual tragedy i find myself in but because if i will be given a "happily ever after", i would like it to be with her. unfortunately, ive been a wreck recently and im bound to screw things up with the way i am now. i hope i dont mess things up for you future self. but if i do, well, i know an apology will never suffice.

Summer Choi

The Day of the Lone Wolf

I was browsing my folders in my laptop when i noticed an old college file from June 25, 2003, 8:30pm. Opened it and saw my birthday profile which i encoded years ago. It's from my cousin's birthday book which she lost. Good thing i was able to encode my birthday profile and have a soft copy of it. Reading it now, it made me realize, holy crap...

The highly intense individuals born on November __ must pursue their own course. Living paradoxes, those born on this day are complex individuals who never cease to amaze their family and friends with their unique combination of aggression and sensitivity. Their ideology is extremely important to them, but it can change in a bewildering fashion, its twists and turns leading to a maze of irony and high seriousness. For example, it may be difficult to determine whether a November __ individual is conservative or radical, right or left wing, an upholder of the social order or anarchic rebel. Ultimately such terms have little meaning in reference to November __ thought patterns, which must be understood on their own terms.

Although November __ people appear to others as physical types, the primary thrust of their day is mental, even intellectual. No matter what their walk of life or profession, they can often be found arguing their case, refusing to submit to any ready-made dogmas or belief systems. They are basically self-taught thinkers, and for many, school is best an annoyance and at worst an imprisonment. They have a strong penchant to take the opposing point of view due to their resistance to absolute statements and generalization of all types.

November __ people enjoy pointed humor, and will use wit and irony as powerful weapons against their opponents and also as a  means to clarify and give shape to their own views. Most often, however, they make an impression of forthright seriousness. Emotionally, November __ people are usually caught up in their own personal maelstrom. Romantic relationships may surface with frequency, but those born on this day have enormous difficulties in maintaining stability in this area. Their friendships, on the other hand, are usually rock-solid, and highly meaningful. Those who are involved with them will never forget the experience --- difficult, maddening, recalcitrant and paradoxical, they go their own way and do their own thing. For example, they can be the most generous of individuals and yet at other times the most selfish. Often their goodness and true nature is more easily understood by animals and small children, on a purely intuitive level, than by a critical, analytical adult mind. A love of nature and of the animal world is in fact sacred to them, being their one constant refuge from disappointing and uncertain human experiences.

Perhaps the greatest problem of November __ people is coming to understand themselves, and being able to straighten out their complex, difficult personalities. Usually it is seething emotions which keep them from viewing themselves in a more objective light. Many born on this day use their work as an escape from what seems an excessive self-involvement. Concerning the four major faculties of perception --- intellect, emotion, intuition, sensation --- a titanic effort must be made by November __ people to bring these into balance. Only then can they progress in their personal development and come to terms with the society around them.

We don't know what kind of people we truly are until the moment before our deaths. - Itachi

"Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. Ultimately Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny." - Dean Kansky (Serendipity, 2001)

Desperation Day celebrates the 2nd and 4th paragraph

"Mangyari Lamang" 

ni Rico Abelardo

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmamahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang mukha ng pag-ibig
Ipamalas ang tamis ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan
Sa mga malabo ang paningin.

Mangyari lamang na tumayo rin ang mga nagmahal at nasawi
Nang makita ng lahat ang mga sugat ng isang bayani
Ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan
Habang ipinagbubunyi ang walang katulad na kagitingan ng isang nagtaya.

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nangangambang magmahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang kilos ng isang bata
Ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin na pilit ikinukubli
Ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto’t diwata.

Mangyari lamang na tumayo ang nagmahal, minahal at iniwan, ngunit handa pa ring magmahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan
Ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan
Nang maging makahulugan ang mga paghahagulhol sa dilim.

At sa mga nanatiling nakaupo
Mangyari lamang ay dahan-dahang tumalilis palabas sa nakangangang pinto
Umuwi na kayo!
At sumbatan ang mga magulang na nagpalaki ng isang halimaw.

At sa lahat ng mga nakaiwang nakatayo
Mangyari lamang na hagkan ang isa’t isa, at yakapin ang mga sugatan
Mabuhay tayong lahat na nagsisikap makabalik sa ating pinagmulan
Manatiling masaya, at higit sa lahat, magpatuloy sa pagmamahal.

im becoming too spontaneous

i was having a not so good day yesterday. the morning grocery was ok. the puregold playlist was nice. they played Alanis' Hand in my Pocket, Layla Kaylif's Shakespeare in Love, Lisa Loeb's Stay, Avril Lavigne's Im With You and some song by Rico Blanco. it was weird to hear that kind of song selection from Puregold. anyway, the not so good part of the day happened in the afternoon.

i was planning on working at BK timog. just like old times. trying to take myself back to 2008. unfortunately, the 2nd floor was closed. crap. so i just bought myself some food to go and then went to my lonely office to work there. after working for hours, it got too lonely. tried texting people but no one was available. so i decided to go to the UP chapel to pay God a visit. then when i decided to head home, i thought, why not take the long route home. pass by Katipunan and then Sikatuna. while on Katipunan, i thought, why not go to Marikina and pay a visit to my grandparents. so i ended up at Loyola Memorial Park. there i cried my eyes out a bit. its the first time i did something like this. i remember giving a speech during my grandmother's wake. if im not mistaken, i was the first among the grandchildren to speak. i was introduced as the 13th grandchild. my short speech went something like this:

"ngayon ko lang po nalaman na ako pala ang pang-13 na apo ni nana. kung ako ay naging malas para sa kanya, di natin malalaman. sana hindi. ummm...wala po ako masyadong fond memories with my grandmother. we weren't really that close. naalala ko lang na noong bata ako. pinagalitan ako ni nana. kasi di ko daw sya pinapansin pag nagkikita kami sa daan. paano ko naman po sya papansinin. naglalaro ako sa kalye ng habulan. alangan naman huminto ako para batiin sya, eh di nataya ako. pasensya na nana. sadyang pinanganak lang po akong suplado.

naalala ko din na isang beses, nasa cubao kami ng nanay ko. nakasalubong namin si nana, pababa ng jeep. nag-usap sila ng nanay ko sandali tapos sabi sa akin, sama daw ako kay nana kas ibibili nya ako ng laruan. magbibirthday ako noon. punta kami ni nana sa SM cubao, sa toyland. sabi ni nana, piliin ko daw kahit anong laruan, ibibigay nya sa akin. eh ikot naman ako sa toyland. medyo pihikan kasi ako kaya wala talaga ako mapili. ang tagal namin sa toyland noon. nung medyo napansin ko na ang tagal na namin doon, pinili ko na lang yung Spider-man na Bend-ems. sobrang special ng laruan na iyon para sa akin dahil yun ang laruan na naalala ko na binili sa akin ni nana. kahit nagkasira-sira na ito at naputol pa yung kamay, di ko ito tinapon.

kung tutuusin, may tampo ako kay nana. si nana kasi yung tipong may mga favorite. at di ako ang isa sa mga favorite nya. pero ngayon ko lang narealize na, napaka-unfair ko. kasi di naman porket di ako favorite ay di na nya ako mahal. kaya kahit may mga favorite sya, it doesnt change the fact na mahal pa rin nya kaming lahat ng mga apo nya. and to receive love from someone who's been through a lot of pain and sacrifice is a big deal kasi its coming from someone who has so much love to give. kaya nana, im sorry and pasensya na kung naging ganito ako. salamat sa pagmamahal"

yeah. i think my speech went along that line. and yesterday, while i was crying my eyes out in front of their grave, i was telling them that i hope i inherited my grandfather's lawyering skills. that i become a great lawyer just like my grandfather. that i dont disappoint my clients and serve them well. i wished my grandfather could give me pointers on how to be a good lawyer. i mean, he was a practicing lawyer until he became seriously ill because of old age. i hope i develop the same passion for lawyering.

and if there's anything i would like to inherit from my grandmother, its her strong heart. i hope i inherited her resilient heart that's never afraid to love and can endure all the pain and sacrifice. she's been through a lot of heartaches. she lost her husband to someone else and she lost two sons because they were killed for their political convictions. but that did not stop her from loving the people around her. and up until the end, seeing her in that hospital bed during her last days, i can still see her wanting to express her love for us, wanting to show her appreciation and longing to be with her loved ones. the thing im proud of my grandmother is that, her great love, her strong heart, made her live with no regrets, which made her close to God. i think that's how she lived. and yesterday, i really hoped that i have a heart as big as hers. or at least, i can love the same way she did. love someone without reservations. that its not a game where you win or lose but its something that you allow to happen and grow within you. i really hope that i have my grandmother's heart. and her courage to face pain and suffering that comes along with truly loving another person.

after the short visit, i thought of visiting my grandparents more frequently. then i went home. but before i got home, i got a flat tire. then i thought, "crap. even dead people dont want me around". or maybe my grandfather is still pissed because i went to Puerto Galera during his wake.

yup. im too old to be acting like a kid

ive been drinking a lot lately. i missed it. i miss drinking buckets of beer. the sad part is, im the only one drinking a lot. my friends just drink a bottle or two while i drink five. just to have the buzz i guess. i wondered, "what the crap happened to us?" life was much better when we were young and reckless. now, everyone's safe and steady. doesnt it bore them? can't we do anything more fun than a few bottles of beer and out of town trips? are the crazy times really gone? are they happy with being boring?

then a thought hit me. they dont need to drink like i do simply because they arent bored. they're happy actually. theyre happily attached to someone or they're with good company. and that makes their lives so much better that they dont need crazy nights, buckets of beer and insane moments.

fuck. im one of the few left who's still single. but then again, i already thought about this. i mean, i knew im going to be single up until this point. actually until death comes for me. i knew what to expect. but what i didnt expect is how hard the sudden realization will hit me when im actually experiencing what i have anticipated.

lately, everyone's getting married and a friend just pointed it out to me last night while she was smoking her cigarette. i just told her, "well, were old". but is that what really explains why people are getting married? not really. its just everyone wants to settle down because theyre ready to settle down. thats why they get married. they found that someone they want to settle down with. boring from my point of view but for them, its immensely satisfying. would i want that? of course. but the real question, will i be given the opportunity to have that? i hope so. cant believe im starting to have hope. yeah. its time to admit that i do want what my friends are having. not out of envy. because im tired of convincing myself that i can be a loner til i die, that all i need is myself

i have a bad feeling about this

usually when i buy groceries, i do it systematically by covering each aisle. i dont have a list. i just look at the shelves and get what i need or want. i also have a budget. but i do the computation mentally. and it works out. i havent exceeded my grocery budget by more than P500 despite the lack of list of stuff to buy and by just grabbing food items from shelves. i just walk and grab stuff then compute. when i think im about to exceed my budget, i check which item needs to go. but like i said, i haven't really exceeded my budget to the point i need to return items.

anyway, i did something different a while ago. instead of the usual thing of walking at every aisle, i just allowed my feet to take me where it wanted to take me. to my suprise, i ended up at the aisle where the item i forgot to buy at the other supermarket was located. how nice. so i tried to do it again, i just kept walking without thinking and for the second time, i found the next item i was looking for. and these arent items i usually buy so i dont know where its located. i probably looked like an idiot because i was just walking around the supermarket without really looking at the stuff. i just absentmindedly walked around then stopped, then found out that the item i need to get is right in front of me.

i guess my Dirk Gently navigation skills are back. its a navigation skill that is gut based. you dont have to think that much. actually, you rely on your instinct. well, strictly speaking, if i remember correctly, the Dirk Gently navigation skill is following someone who appears to be going to the same place you are going. if that person isnt going to the same place you are going, youre simply bound to reach a place where you may not want to be, but where you need to be. in the end, it is not without purpose. you are exactly where you have to be. that is why i adopted the Dirk Gently navigation system

in a somewhat related note, thats what my deja vus are for. when i get that deja vu phenomenon, it assures me that i am where i am supposed to be. its like telling me that i havent deviated from the path i need to be in. lately, i havent had a deja vu. but then again, the universe has been silent for about a month and a half. last November, its signals were so strong that its really difficult for me to ignore it. then when December kicked in, its like i became deaf and blind because i couldnt sense anything from the universe. what the fuck?

anyway, i think im regaining my non-physical senses back. never lost my sense of foresight but its usually augmented by guts. and this past month, my guts had shit for brains.

Am i more than you bargained for yet? A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it

20__, is that you? Damn it!

life is loosely based on movies

back in May 2011, my uncle said i was destined to be a lawyer. because despite the fact it wasnt my childhood dream, or it was never my wholehearted intention to become one, i still ended up being one. up until today i ask, how the hell did i become a fucking lawyer? actually, that is an interesting story. anyway, i guess it is really destiny. but why? i dont think im good at lawyering. i can be good enough if i try. and i rarely try. people expect great things from me. maybe i will be assassinated some day for something political. but before that happens, i need to find my passion. for now, its just mere destiny.

destiny. fate. im not even sure if i believe in it. i think i do. but like all things in my life, i doubt it. im insanely skeptical about everything.

maybe that explains why i like to just keep walking around without a plan. im secretly hoping to bump into a girl that would make me suddenly exclaim "ah! this girl is my destiny". where a simple eye contact, or a sweet smile means something incredibly deep. ive had simple eye contacts and received sweet smiles in return from girls ive met somewhat randomly but none of them were meaningful. the closest thing to something that had a semblance of substance was when i keep accidentally seeing this girl for five consecutive days. i just dropped by to grab a snack in a nearby food stall, "poof!" there she is. i slip inside the computer area to browse something on the internet, there she is printing something. i was just passing by the corridor, she would suddenly come out of the room i had no idea she was in. it was insane because i rarely bump into her prior to that five consecutive day period. what does it mean? why do i keep seeing her? the timing was really perfect. and peculiar. because these fortunate accidents happened after an unfortunate incident. when weve decided to call off the thing we decided to do. i asked for a second chance. she was determined to really end it. or so i think. the first time i bumped into her, i felt really bad because i felt im now looking at the girl that ive lost forever. and she's someone i cant wait forever to have me again. i realized, if i cant wait for her to be ready for it, i really dont like her as much as i thought. just like the girl that ive searched and waited for ten fucking years and in the end, she was just a big disappointment. or that girl that drove me crazy that when things ended, i got severely depressed for months. so much for destiny there.

so maybe im not destined to be with a girl? hm. well, aside from the fact that ive never been attracted to guys, i feel harassed when guys check me out. i cringe at the thought. i enjoy sticking my P in a V. i love boobies. when i was younger, my best experience was riding the Tricycle. there really should be a title belt for this achievement. i just happened to be at the right place at the right time. well, if were talking about experience points. but life isnt really about gaining experience points.

anyway, a friend once told me life isnt a romantic comedy. its not like, things go great, everything is like clockwork, then after all the issues and conflicts in between, its inevitable that in the end, things will work out like magic. maybe relationships are as ordinary as starting out as friends then growing to like and eventually love that person, then actually striving to make things work. if it doesnt work, go your separate ways. i dont know. ive never been a person afflicted with the ordinary. that's why someone said im like the Curious Case of Tristofer Troisvallees. If its different, interesting and challenging, life automatically gives it to me.

maybe destiny isnt what the movies portray it to be. maybe its as simple as meeting someone under peculiar circumstances or in a somewhat unexpected time. someone you will grow to like. someone you'll eventually want to be together with, do activities with, someone that complements or supplements you. or someone that you enjoy the company with. someone kickass or someone insanely incredible. someone you will want to love unconditionally. i mean, what are the chances of meeting someone that you really like, without any pretensions or underlying motives? just grow to like someone in sheer simplicity with a level of connection that is inordinately deep. can destiny be that simple, without all the drama and wonderful fleeting moments?  because if it is, all you have to do is do what everyone is doing, or what most people do. you just keep meeting people until you find that perfect match. you dont wait for fortunate accidents to happen. you dont look for magical moments to come your way. you just try to be open and explore every possibility and hope that magical moment will come to you. if it doesnt, just hope that eventually you will find that perfect fish in the sea. destiny is as simple as reducing those millions of fish to around 50 or less. ok, maybe not 50. 25 or 18? youre lucky to find it after six to seven tries. youre extremely lucky if you only get three strikes. i feel bad for the person who finds it on the first try. really? just one fish? just one V for your entire life? meh. whatever works.

The future is...promising?

There are days when i forget im a lawyer. Today isnt one of those days. Lately, work matters have been really, really stressful. Lately means more or less a month. And stressful not because of the load but because of the uncertainty of  being able to transfer to another employer. I've informed my current office as early as October 2012 that I'm planning to transfer to a government office. Up until today, that has not happened. To make things worse, our associate lawyer resigned last month, leaving behind the entire law office to me.

What's driving me nuts is that I'm in a situation where its hard to make promises to clients. That I cant promise that I'm going to be there for them until their cases end. For a person who never breaks a promise, its difficult for me to say that "I will do my best but I have to inform you now that I might leave the law office any time so I can only commit to the next hearing date" or "I can only help you with the filing of your pleading given that my current status here as a lawyer is a bit uncertain". I know I shouldnt have made such comments but the thing is, I dont want to make a promise that I wont keep. Clients usually ask for a long term relationship with their lawyers. Its tiring to see that look of disappointment in my clients' eyes. Theyve consulted lawyers before and when they finally think they've seen someone they can rely on, someone they want to handle their case, someone who can help them for free, I cant really promise them anything. Some would say it's because deep inside I really care. I do. I will no longer deny that. That maybe, I do have a heart. But some friends say I need to think about myself too. If I'm going to give free legal service, might as well work for the government agency which provides it.

When I started lawyering, I didnt really mind doing it for free. I mean, I'm earning enough to feed myself with good food, provide food for my family, pay bills and have some extra income for miscellaneous stuff. Now, I realized, the future isnt really as simple as the present. And I'm somone who is always prepared for whatever the future brings. Damn it foresight, dont fail me now.