ive been reading a lot of comic books

ive been pondering for weeks if im one of those guys destined for greatness. back in college, this would have never been a question worth asking. i thought then that if i wasnt born to be great, i firmly believed that i had what it takes to seize greatness. i also believed that i am capable of wooing fortuna to go to my side and do things in my favor instead of being a pain in the ass. now, or for the past half decade, ive been riddled with self-doubt. i now think im a mere shadow of what i used to be. this is the price i paid for what i did back in 2004. i took a break from greatness when i told myself there's no such thing as taking a break from greatness.

if i am meant for greatness, then i cant die until i fulfill that purpose. i cant have rabies or AIDS or cancer or Crohns. now matter how much i screw up, things will always fall into place because im meant to do something or be someone.

in the past, ive had a couple of close calls. when i was a kid, i could have been killed, or lost my legs in a car accident. i tried to overtake a car running at moderate speed (for me, it looked like a speeding car. but to a kid, things appeared much bigger and much faster and things arent exactly as what they appear to be. so my guess that it was only running at moderate speed). i was playing tag with my sister and i was so caught in the game that when i saw the car, i thought i could run to the other side of the road so that my sister wont be able to reach me (that was really fucking stupid. had i succeeded in crossing the street, my younger sister could have been the one that got hit by the car. but then again, if i remember correctly, my sister had better sense than me because i remember she stopped pursuing me when she saw there was a car on the road). fortunately, the car managed to reach a full halt when i was exaclty in front of it and its bumper hit my thighs lightly, like a friendly tap on one's shoulder. i was like a deer frozen in front of blinding headlights. when i saw the car about to reach me, my legs just froze. well, my life, which was absurdly short back then, didnt flash before my eyes. the driver just cursed his lungs out and all i could do was bow down apologetically for giving him the fright of his life.

the second close call i had was back in high school. i was crossing the street when my high school batchmate, a korean, called me from behind. i turned my head to see who it was and instead of stopping, my legs continued crossing the street while i was looking behind me. stupid. really stupid. when i looked in front, a truck that was turning to the street i was crossing sped right in front of me and my face was just less than half a foot away from the side of the truck. my nose was just inches away from the speeding truck.  had i taken another step, it would have been impossible for the truck to miss me. the weird thing about that incident is why didnt the truck driver blow his horn to alert me of its presence? in both instances, if both vehicles managed to hit me, the impact of getting hit could have killed me or at least injure me really seriously (if the car hit me when i was a kid, it could have thrown me violently to the ground if the driver stepped on the brake pedal seconds later than the driver did).

so when it comes to accidents, fortune was on my side as if saying, i cant die yet. as for my career, well, my uncle said it was destiny that made me a lawyer. it wasnt a childhood dream. in law school, i wasnt even sure if im going to finish it. during the bar exams, i wasnt able to give 100% because i just lacked the motivation and focus (but i exerted a lot of effort). ill be damned. im a freaking lawyer.

my life is good. i have an envious position in the order of things. i actually create my own drama just to give color to my life, to add struggles in it because my life is very much "plain". but despite all these, having probably everything i need at my disposal in order to do something great, i doubt myself. actually, i know i already have what i need in order to do something great but i just refuse to do something about it. i want a simple and short life. to accept greatness complicates things. but i have a natural talent for the complicated. damn it. now i want to confirm it by taunting death yet again. i want to make sure this is what i have to do. i want necessity to be the push that i need in case its confirmed that im destined to do something great. i dont know. im just really reluctant and lazy to take part in something great. back in high school, i envisioned myself as a leader. my daydreams constituted me leading a pack of great individuals. now, i just want to play a supporting role. i just want to have a leader who knows how to best utilize my abilities. call me when im needed. this current mindset reflects how much ive changed and how lazy ive become. i now prefer being that guy who just waits to be called, the reliable last resort. sort of. this became my preferred role when i realized i have the knack for damage control. if other people can do it, let them do it.

an argument just came up. terminal illness isnt a confirmation one is not destined for greatness. aside from the fact that Captain Mar-vell, the champion of the universe fielded against Thanos, died from cancer, many great and inspiring people achieved greatness due to their struggle against death. so being kept away from death isnt proof that there's a destiny that must be fulfilled. sometimes being pitted against death's embrace is the push some people need. as for me, knowing myself, the push that will force me to embrace greatness is either through necessity, something crammer's know fully well, or through something whimsical, like waking up one day and im just in the mood to be a force to be reckoned with. in the past, necessity has been less reliable than whim.

Im Yoona

whimsical and impulsive

in the last 24 hours, i was...well, whimsical and impulsive and it was costly. yesterday afternoon, after staying home on a saturday (something which rarely happens recently because im usually out somewhere during weekends) i suddenly felt like buying some pizza. i wasnt really craving for it but i just wanted to eat something good enough to assuage my craving for samgyupsal. so i told my mother that instead of cooking dinner, im going to buy us some pizza (well, i asked my siblings to buy it and if there's any change from the money i gave them, they can use it to buy a liter of soda and if there's still change, some chips for me because i was in the mood for something salty). when my siblings were out buying the pizza, i thought maybe it was better to just get a KFC bucket instead. that would piss off my brother since KFC is on the other direction from Pizza Hut (and like me, they prefer walking rather than riding a tricycle). anyway, i convinced myself to get a KFC bucket the next time i have some food cravings.

then this morning, i was still craving for samgyupsal. instead of just getting it at Kwon's Kitchen, i convinced my brother to just eat at Yakimix for lunch. if that wasnt whimsical enough, i just bought a printer (a Canon Pixma MP287). usually i do some research on gadgets and computer stuff before buying them but well, today, i just felt like buying a printer (at least i have a brand in mind). there's no gadget sale or anything and there's no immediate need to buy a printer. i just bought a printer for the simple reason that we currently dont have a useable printer. the other canon printer we have, a late 90's model and 14 years old (Canon BJC-255sp), is still working but unfortunately, canon no longer sells cartridges for models that old and its slot/cable is no longer supported by new motherboards (i upgraded our PC last year). our other printer is an HP printer-copier-scanner and its bonkers. because of that printer, i absolutely became a non-fan of HP and other HP products. thats why when the salesperson was trying to do a sales pitch for an HP printer, saying the cartridges are cheaper, i simply replied, "i want a Canon printer". i sounded determined to get a Canon printer when i wasnt even thinking of getting one yesterday. i just thought about buying it today while having lunch at Yakimix (although ive said earlier this morning im going to buy a printer, my brother thought i was going to do some canvassing first and buy it...maybe next week. i only decided to buy the printer today half-way through our lunch).

these stuff i did lately wouldnt be a problem if i had enough money to spend. i need to get a better paying job. being this whimsical and impulsive leaves a deep wound in my wallet.

if i just gave in to my samgyupsal craving, i would have spent P170. but i didnt. and i spent thousands.

actually, last night, i was thinking of buying another pair of running shoes. well, i ended up with a printer and an expensive lunch instead (i paid for my brother's lunch since its me who really wanted to eat at yakimix. actually my brother tried to talk me out of it by saying, we dont really need a printer at the moment and yakimix can wait some other time. but well, i just wanted to spend like crazy today).

shoes and stuff

so i was thinking of buying another pair of running shoes. just saw another cheap pair. cheap for the brand. but i told myself i dont deserve another pair. ever since April, i sort of stopped jogging. it started with a busy week. then a week where everyday is always a record high when it comes to the temperature of the day. the next thing i know, i was jogging for only once a week. then it was followed by a couple of weeks where i didnt jog at all because the hot weather is just too much (i was sweating even if i was just sitting in front of the electric fan doing nothing). now that the hot weather is almost gone (almost but not quite), i wont have excuses anymore. last week, i managed to jog twice. but this week, i reverted back to one since i wasnt feeling well.

now, i noticed that im into bags and shoes lately (yep, im now a girl when it comes to shopping. unlike before where i only think of gadgets). aside from running shoes, i also bought two pairs of leather shoes. in two months, i bought three pairs of shoes, the most ive bought in a short amount of time since i was born. usually i buy a pair of shoes and the next pair will be bought after at least a year. i wear them until its impossible to wear them. so its not unusual to see me wearing a pair of shoes with a hole in it or part of the sole is already detached.

the thing with these leather shoes are...theyre boots. or i think its called dress boots. i bought my first pair when i went to a court hearing in manila. after the court hearing, i remembered my brother told me that there's a hole in one of the heels of my leather shoes. seeing how bad it was, i decided to buy another pair of leather shoes so i can have the pair i was wearing repaired somewhere. i saw a shoestore, browsed the shoes that were on display and i liked a pair of formal dress boots (maybe because since 2010, ive been wearing hi-cut chucks on an almost daily basis. i like it when my ankles feel secure). so i bought the pair of black dress boots and then brought my other pair of leather shoes to a shoe repair shop near my law office so i can pick it up after work.

as for my other pair of boots, i bought brown ones. and i bought them in anticipation of the rainy weather. the chucks i have arent really rain proof. i always get a soggy pair of socks whenever i go to the office on a rainy morning. so i managed to give me a reason to buy another pair of boots. i cant use the black ones because its for court hearings, especially non-Quezon city court hearings (because its hard to tell what the weather will be in other areas and having two pair of shoes for court hearings reduces the effects of wear and tear)

i really should stop buying shoes before this thing for shoes become worse. i have enough pairs for almost all occasions that will last a couple of years or more (well, except the running shoes if i manage to restore my thrice weekly routine). i think i need someone to control my spending.

just a thought

a few weeks ago, i had some sort of "korean day". i started the day at 7:30 am with a court case im handling where the opposing party is a korean national. then i ate lunch at the nearby korean restaurant i frequently go to. then before i left the office, my korean client dropped by my law office to have a document notarized. thats when i realized that it was a "korea filled day".

not a single day passes that i dont see a korean national in real life. this is true and im not exaggerating. the only time i dont see a korean in real life is if i dont go out of my house. if i dont go out of my house, i only see nine pretty korean ladies (TV, PC or laptop). i always see one whenever i walk home or go out to eat lunch or when i take my afternoon jog (so basically, when im outside). there's just so many koreans in my residential area. now, i dont have anything against them (nor do i like them simply because im a fan of girls' generation). i would say its neutral. they're no different from the way i see other foreigners. but the thought of seeing them on a daily basis, making me realize their population, well, its just...a bit uncomfortable to a certain extent. its like having a visitor at home or in class. you become aware of a foreign element and things arent as normal as it usually is. of course im used to having a lot of korean nationals in my residential area but there are times when i wonder, "why are there so many of them here?". the weather is annoyingly hot and the air is polluted. its not really the best place on earth. if i was some foreigner coming from a country that is better off compared to my country, only necessity would make me stay here. im not saying the philippines is a bad country to live in. its not. its a country that knows how to get by, knows how to roll with the punches, inhabited by warm and friendly citizens with a government thats a work in progress. its a country i can be proud of (its just the weather is so goddamn hot. its not as tolerable as when i was a kid). it just so happens that i also admit its not perfect. its far from perfect. korea or south korea looks like a country that has a nice weather (the cold weather might be really bad but, im really not a fan of the hot weather), nice environment, good enough government, etc. the only problem is that its really expensive to live there. also, i will admit that their food is nice (but then again, im not a fan of local cuisine and i only like a handful of local dishes) and their culture is interesting but it still doesnt change the fact that koreans here make me feel like having a visitor around and wonder why visit or why live here? actually i do get why theyre here. but is it really worth it? maybe. i mean, thats why theyre here.

anyway, the thing i admire about koreans is their sense of nationality and their sense of duty to their government. its something i hope this country will develop sooner rather than later.

Lee SoonKyu

Kwon's Kitchen @ Matalino Street, Quezon City

ive been frequenting a nearby korean restaurant near my office. i prefer to go here during lunch time because aside from the really good food, im the only customer. i dont have to worry about long lines in fast food restaurants and the lack of seats. but ive noticed that every time (seriously, every single time) that i go here, i am the only customer (although during my first couple of visits, there were other customers). of course, i go here only during lunch time or late in the afternoon, around 4pm. its possible that other customers go here much later. but if im the only customer most of the time, the future of this place will definitely be uncertain.

the food isnt bad. its actually good and affordable. their P99 combo consists of marinated meat, kimchi, spicy anchovies, slices of omelette, iced tea and a fruit for dessert (no fastfood restaurant in the area can offer this variety in a single meal for such price. whenever im craving for kimchi or im in a hurry, i just order this meal combo). maybe their other dishes arent really affordable for most people (since the Quezon City hall area is mindful of its government employees so a lot of meals are P50 below. ive been told that there's a california maki in one of the QC City hall food stalls that's being sold below P50) but compared to other korean restaurants, its really affordable. a single serving of jjajangmyun in a nearby restaurant located in Kalayaan Avenue costs P200 plus. most of the meals in Kwon's Kitchen doesnt even go beyond P200. 

maybe not a lot of people like korean dishes. or maybe they just arent familiar. or maybe because the location of Kwon's Kitchen itself is a bit hidden (its beside Kyusinero behind some other establishment). its just weird that there arent much customers despite the good food (or maybe, like i said, the other customers come here during dinner time or late at night when the night life begins at Kyusinero). i really like their dishes. well, except the kimbap. my sister likes it but i prefer the kimbap in Mashitta in UP diliman (is it Mashitta? not sure). i like their bibimbap and kalbi chim. their samgyupsal isnt bad. i also like to eat their ramyun during the rare times it rains in the afternoon (or when im craving for it). in case Kwon's Kitchen is still alive and open during the rainy season, their ramyun will surely be my alternative to Maguro's ramen.

warm april night and a nice meal

went home a little late yesterday because i came from a mini get together with college friends. after going to my brother's graduation last week and seeing him with his college friends (with all their outings and plans), it reminded me of my college friends and how we were after graduation. all of a sudden, im in the mood for a get together. so aside from just texting my college friend about how to get the lawyers ID, i also asked her when we could drop by at one of our friend's place.

fast forward a few days later, we were at our friend's place having a mini-reunion of sorts. after talking for a few hours, we all headed home. it was already midnight. maybe past midnight even. the thing that struck me during that time was how warm the night was. and it wanst only me. my friends were also complaining about how warm it was. i was really sweaty and sticky because of how warm the night was (and i really really hate the sticky feeling). this was the second time this week that i felt the night's warmth despite being outside. crappy crazy climate. fortunately, the taxi i rode had some good airconditioning.

instead of heading straight home, i decided to drop by mcdonalds first. i was hungry since i usually have a snack an hour or couple of hours after dinner. not sure if i was just really sleepy but this meal was called "Big N Tasty". i asked the cashier what it was and she said its basically just a quarter pounder meal with some veggies and dressing. i ordered it because its new on the menu and it looks good. i really liked it. this is truly the tastiest burger ive eaten at mcdonalds so far. im not a fan of the Big Mac, im more of a Quater Pounder/Double Cheeseburger kind of guy but the Big N Tasty is definitely better. i like Burger King burgers and the Big N Tasty is the closest burger of Mcdonalds to the burgers of BK.

what it lacks in utility, it makes up for what it represents

so i got my lawyers ID today. finally. after being officially a lawyer for one year and seven days, i finally got the ID to prove it.

i dont know. i wasnt really interested in getting it. thats why it took me more than a year to get it. i remember during the bar exams, a friend showed me his lawyer's ID and said its something i could look forward to when i pass the bar exams. that didnt really motivate me. i mean, what's its purpose? my college alumni ID could get me discounts in some commercial establishments like Fully Booked. my other alumni ID allows me to use any library inside the university for free (and there are lots of libraries in its large campus which i used to study for the bar exams). my driver's license allows me to drive cars. how about a lawyer's ID? what does it do? maybe its got some use other than proving that im a lawyer. its got some bar code so i guess it can be scanned for something. but the fact that im not aware of its use other than mere identification made me uninterested in getting it.

yesterday, out of the blue, i just felt like getting it. i was in my office room and i thought, maybe its time to get my lawyers ID. so i texted a friend who recently passed the bar exams and asked her if she got her ID already. most likely she already did and when she said yes, i asked her how to get it, confirmed where to get it and how much do i have to pay for it. after getting the details i decided to get it today, or this morning, while i still have time to do so.

when i got my ID, my initial reaction was, "this is it?". my driver's license looks much better. kinda feels cheap. but the more i looked at it, thats when the ID started to look more than what i initially thought about it. for some reason, i started to like it. the more i looked at it, the more i liked it. i started to like the fact that i own such ID. that i have an ID that says im a lawyer. wow. its only after ive held it and looked at it for a few minutes that it started to sink in how nice this ID was. i had to go to the restroom of the IBP building to look at it some more. then i looked at it again when had an early lunch before i went back to my office. i looked at it again when i was in my office room. and again when i got home.

there really isnt much to look at. it has my picture, name, roll number and chapter. thats it. thats why my initial reaction was "thats it?" it has the IBP logo too. but its only when it started to sink in what this ID conveys that i started to recognize its worth. 

i need to get back the urge to run. or at least an itch

so i bought myself a new pair of running shoes. i was supposed to buy it after completing three full months of jogging/walking at least thrice a week. surprisingly, i did manage to fulfill the challenge i imposed upon myself. but i didnt really strictly comply with the condition. i bought the new pair of running shoes one week before i completed the three month period. its just that my old pair really has reached its limit and i saw a really cheap pair of running shoes (for such brand) that i like. if i waited another week, i might not be able to get it since it was the last pair (and after i bought it, i confirmed it was truly the last pair since its really an old model and no longer available). i was already advised by a friend that i avoid such kind of shoes (shoes that are on sale for ridiculously low prices). he said those are really old models and arent as durable or sturdy as newly released shoe models. well, as usual, i didnt listen. the pair of shoes i bought was initially released two years ago. since ive been warned already, i know what im getting.

i really had to buy new ones because my old pair of running shoes are already worn out that its making my shins hurt. i sort of confirmed it was the shoes because with the new pair, my shins dont hurt at all after jogging. on why i settled for a cheap pair of shoes thats on sale is because im thinking of buying another pair after a few months anyway. although i have a budget to get a decent and reasonably expensive pair of shoes, i think i need to save some more money for a really good pair of running shoes. its not like im a pro runner anyway. besides, i stopped jogging recently thus prolonging the lifespan of my new pair of shoes that im expecting wont be as durable as my old pair.

after i completed the three month period, i became really busy with work. then a week after the initial busy week, i caught a cold so i decided to rest since i was still busy with work. so after two weeks of jogging only twice, i thought its about time to resume my exercise routine on the third week. well, the weather just became so horribly hot that i wasnt in the mood to jog (even the nights are warm). its more difficult to fight dehydration under such weather conditions. so its been three weeks of physical inactivity. im starting to become a sloth again. hopefully the weather improves and my work sched clears up a little so i can resume doing what i established during the first quarter of the year.

mysterymobile had another near death experience

a few weeks ago, my beloved automobile known as the mystery machine/batmobile/A--- died in the middle of EDSA. well, died temporarily.

my brother participated in some kind of exhibit in shangrila mall as part of a school requirement. it ended around 9pm. when my family was heading home, with me behind the wheel, the mystery machine suddenly broke down in the middle of EDSA right in front of SM megamall, on a rainy saturday night. we were really in the middle of the road with buses speeding by on both sides. we were less than half a kilometer away from the traffic light behind us, far enough to allow buses to accelerate and reach dangerous speeds. crap.

i asked my father to take the wheel while i push the van to the side of the road. i had to wait for the traffic light to turn red so the stupid buses wont accidentally hit us. its raining so the roads are wet and the driver's visibility is likewise affected. seriously batmobile, you just had to die under such conditions, dont you?

i managed to push the van to the side and an MMDA traffic enforcer arrived. he said he saw us on their CCTV camera and asked whats the problem (its nice to hear that they really monitor the traffic situation). after some discussion, A--- was towed and brought to our residence. the following morning, the automobile was back to its old self. its insides just got wet when i ran over a small puddle at the foot of a flyover. what the? i just lost P1700 to have it towed to our house and it was because of that? it should have been cheaper by P200 but since it was raining (i caught a cold a few days after, which was expected after pushing a van under the rain and discussing towing services with only a baseball cap on), we havent eaten our dinner (the exhibit started late so it ended late too) and were exhausted (i helped my brother finish some last minute exhibit concerns earlier that day (like looking for a welder of a steel cage to serve as a gate for the exhibit pieces) and i helped him bring his exhibit pieces the night before so we also lacked some sleep), arguing could make matters worse.

it was seriously a bad night. but even if that was the case, i was also seriously wondering if the mystery machine has reached its last breath. recently, its been showing signs of aging. it keeps having problems, from its brakes to its car door gears. i even thought of the people i will text to inform them of the death of the mystery machine/batmobile (the two people who gave it a nickname). thankfully, its not dead. not dead yet. we acknowledge that its already risky to use it for long distance travels. before, going to baguio or bicol wasnt a problem for the mystery machine. now, its doubtful if it can still go outside Quezon city. of course, there's still hope for it but i need to spend a lot to restore A--- to what it was half a decade ago.  

the mystery machine out of the batcave. now that i think about it, i should have chronicled its "adventures" before it got too old. now, the only thing that makes it a mystery machine is the fact only one person knows its true identity/name.

i dont know what im blabbing about

the State. i like to refer to my government and country as the State. i have never referred to it as such but thinking about it, i like it. or would like to call it with such designation when its proper. it makes the government and the country look dignified. it gives me an impression that the state of affairs is well and orderly. its militaristic. it makes me want to protect the country. it makes me feel i have a duty to serve the government. it makes me proud to be loyal to both the government and the country. maybe im just too addicted to Full Metal Alchemist.

anyway, i wish that my government and country is something worth serving and dying for. right now, i would hesitate or have second thoughts. right now, its difficult to serve a government thats being run by monkeys. wait, im being unfair to monkeys. a government thats being run by incompetent idiots and greedy reptiles. again, im being unfair to reptiles. a government thats being run by incompetent idiots and greedy politicians. now, i voted for the current president because i do believe that he is the change the we need. to be more accurate, things will begin with him. it also doesnt mean i think he is competent for the job. far from it. it also doesnt mean that the change we need will be accomplished within his administration. i also do not think he will manage to get rid of graft and corruption which has now become inherent in our political system but like i said, things will start with him. installing him, a person with such positive ratings and mass support, is what i think this country needs. now what this country needs is an entirely different question. right now, one of the things this country needs is to have a government it can believe in. belief is something relative. one may choose to believe in something good enough. another may choose to believe in something that doesnt exist. but this belief, whether proper or not, whether ridiculous or logical, can make mountains out of mole hills. it can make a difference. belief, or faith, can radically change people's lives. it can summon unsung heroes out of the faceless masses (but to recognize these unsung heroes is another matter). it can create hope in a nation. now i just hope someone will be able to realize this, capitalize on the opportunity created by the current administration and steer this nation in the proper direction. it is possible for this country and government to become the State every citizen will hold dear in their hearts and will swear to protect with their life.

my nose is psychotic

a few years ago, after i took my insurance law exam, i asked my blockmate if he can smell gasoline. he said no. i asked another blockmate the same thing, he also replied in the negative. i told them that during the exam, i was distracted by the smell of gasoline. it was then that i first had my notable olfactory hallucination. i usually unintentionally imagine noxious odors whenever im stressed. the scent lingers until im fully rested.

i think its weird that i get such kind of hallucinations. i have a poor sense of smell. my officemate once asked me why i wasnt affected by the salty, sour and fishy smell of the food brought by another officemate. i said i dont smell anything. he said the room is practically filled with the smell of the food. thats how poor my sense of smell is.

my olfactory hallucination seems to be getting worse. lately, ive been smelling something like smoke whenever im physically exhausted. so i usually smell it after i jog or when ive been doing a lot of sweating and walking. but more recently, i start to smell it after i sneeze or blow my nose but it doesnt linger like it usually does before. i also feel a distinct sensation on my upper left nostril and another distinct feeling radiating somewhat around my left eye. it might not be a simple olfactory hallucination like before. there might be something wrong with my paranasal sinuses or something. could be an infection or nerve problem. i doubt its brain damage. i hate having health problems. i havent even dealt with my skin problem nor have i concluded my intestine concern.

we really should have a sense of duty to serve, whether we like it or not

i went to my brother's college graduation a few days ago and their guest speaker, an alumni of their college who was recently appointed to a high government position, stated that in a decade or two, they, the graduates, will be asked to give back and serve the country. being an "iskolar ng bayan" meant that they have a moral obligation to serve the people since their education was subsidized and funded by state taxes paid by citizens of the country. but until that time comes, they will be busy toiling for themselves.

what struck me was the fact he said that a decade or two will pass before they start giving back. but then again, what the guest speaker probably meant was that its something the graduates shouldnt try to escape from. they may try not to give back but there will come a time when their services will be needed, when they will be specifically requested to serve for the simple reason that their education and skills make them the only qualified person for the job. everyone will be asked to serve the country and its a matter of time for some.

in my case, i started giving back what i "owe" the moment i finished the bar exams. i do it in the form of free legal service. unfortunately, it isnt intentional on my part. it just so happens our law office allows free legal service to those who really cant afford the services of a lawyer. there are times i really prefer handling cases of clients who doesnt have the means to pay because they really deserve to protected by the law (unlike some clients who have the capacity to pay but their character and attitude makes them look undeserving of being represented in court).

the speech by the guest speaker made me realize that im actually practicing the things i swore i will do. what im doing now is in accordance with my lawyer's oath, my oath as a graduate of UP and as an alumni of UP. am i happy about it? honestly, not really. but i dont feel bad about it either. im proud, thats for sure. i just dont have strong feelings about it. its an obligation and it gives me a good feeling that im able to fulfill such obligation. but like most obligations, it is burdensome. its a chore so its not something im really happy about. but that doesnt mean i dont feel good since it still gives me some sense of satisfaction. its a notable accomplishment for me. to say it makes me happy would be too much. it just makes me feel good. i dont think its a question of whether it makes me happy or not but whether im fulfilling my duty or doing what is required or expected of me.

was this an experiment of sorts?

its nice their company is now releasing singles that don't just rely on them singing catchy tunes and doing addictive dance moves. they are growing up (or growing old) and some might be feeling frustrated of not doing stuff that would make them look like real artists or singers (although being all-around performers/entertainers is already an impressive feat in itself). but this could have been much better if the video had a story to give life to the song.

do what you want @ UP diliman

My brother's film project; UP diliman, March 2012; shot with lumix lx5, created with power director. no copyright infringement intended. video made for personal/educational use. song: Do What You Want by Ok Go. pictures and video owned by RJLT

Jung Jessica

Kim Taeyeon

its a biggie for a lefty

testing if i can still type well despite my injured left hand. i have an exam tomorrow and im required to bring a laptop and USB. most likely, its a typewritten exam. if its a written one, then im screwed. with this injured left hand, i might think of requesting a resetting of my exam or not push through with my application. if its typewritten, well, it will still be a struggle but at least i have a better chance of doing the exam well. right now, i need to be mindful never to let my left hand touch the surface of the laptop because it will bring a sharp pain in my hand and will distract me during the exam and thus disrupting my train of thought.

why my left hand is injured remains a mystery. its starting to swell after more than 36 hours of aching. i wonder why i had to take the exam tomorrow with an injured left hand (ouch! my left hand just touched the laptop surface. its really sensitive and painful). it will certainly slow me down and distract me a bit. if my left hand will remain injured by tomorrow, i hope it doesnt get worse. at least i can still type well with just a small amount of discomfort if i angle my left hand properly, with my left elbow sticking out and using only my left middle finger to press the keyboard.

time to sleep. i will be brushing my teeth with my right hand. have to be careful not to injure myself further. more than half of the time i use my right hand to brush my teeth, i graze my gums.

weird. im feeling better now.

there's something wrong. or maybe there's something about to go wrong. this is what i was thinking a few hours ago: i felt a very strange feeling when i was about to start my afternoon jog. i cant describe it. but i tried. and the description i gave myself was, this might be the feeling of someone who's riding a plane and about to crash in the middle of the ocean. not the type of rush when someone rides a rollercoaster. its terrifying. yet, not necessarily hopeless. like a fear of an inevitable unknown. like i said, i cant really describe it. it took me a few more minutes to realize that ive felt this feeling before. thats when it struck me. i wrote about it in one of my blogs. the weird part about it is...i predicted i will get this feeling again this year. i didnt really say 2012 but i wrote the blog entry on latter part of february 2007 and i said that its a feeling im going to feel in five years. and as i was jogging a few hours ago, i counted what's five years from 2007 and with my basic math skills i found out its 2012. i said to myself "it cant be". although i did feel this weird feeling back in 2007, i remember that during that time, i was really "emotionally unstable". i couldnt remember what i really said in the 2007 blog entry but i knew about the five year period i stated. so i started wondering, what the hell does this feeling mean? why did i warn myself in 2007 about it? a big earthquake? i just dreamt earlier today about a tremor. nah, couldnt be. i remember the entry was talking about something personal. so a personal tragedy and not a calamity. could it be just a coincidence? well, if it is, its funny that when i got home to check the blog entry, the title of the entry was "turbulence". and i just tried to describe the feeling today as like being in a plane about to crash. and when i tried to describe it, i wasnt aware yet that its a feeling i felt before and wrote something about it. i didnt even remember the blog title until i checked it when i got home. well, i named it turbulence because of the emotional turbulence i was undergoing then. anyway, the feeling lingered much longer in 2007. now i managed to restrict the feeling to a little less than an hour. when i thought i need to get rid of the disturbing feeling, i put my earphones on, listened to snsd (starting with japanese gee) to distract me a little and started convincing myself there's no point in trying to figure it out because the most i can come up with is speculation. then when i was heading home when i finished jogging, a deja vu struck me then a mental image of a tornado and the word "moth".  i think i know what the two refers to and if im correct with my deduction, it refers to something absolutely meaningless.

its been a weird late afternoon/early evening. to make things weirder, i have no idea how i injured my left hand. i woke up with my left hand, just right about the wrist, aching. there's no swelling but it feels like i just tried to karate chop a metal bar. i must have twisted it while i was sleeping last night. i was in a deep sleep too (which doesnt happen that frequently lately). although the feeling is gone (maybe temporarily), i still cant shake off the thought something's wrong.

having another nonsense problem

just less than a week and i will complete one month of taking muay thai sessions. but my problem is, im losing weight. this i do not approve. ive lost 10 pounds by combining my weekday jog and muay thai on the weekend. i guess im going to be the subject of envy by some since im the type who can easily lose weight (almost effortless). but on my end, its as annoying as having difficulties in losing weight because i have difficulties gaining weight. now, i gained weight because i eat six meals a day. (three full meals and three moderate to heavy snacks). since i started exercising, the six meals are now inadequate. so i have to eat more. it wont be much of a problem if food wasnt expensive! now that i have to eat more, i need to spend more (or maybe try to learn how to cook but at the moment, i have no interest). i try not to spend more than P100 a day on weekdays given my "just enough" monthly salary (and i go nuts on food during the weekend whenever i go to the mall). the affordable yet tasty meals i can think of are one to two jeepney rides away (and thats just a one-way commute).so my problem is, how do i gain weight, without spending a lot and at the same time, allowing me to increase my current physical activities (because im aiming to have a twice weekly muay thai session, retain my thrice weekly jog and maybe an extra day for a regular gym. im thinking i should have been an athlete if i didnt prevent myself from engaging in sports and allowing my laziness to grow when i was in high school).

right now, my shins hurt like hell. not sure if its because of the muay thai session last saturday or i over exerted myself yesterday. it could be both. im not used to doing round house kicks or hitting my shins against a punching bag. but the thing is, my shins didnt hurt as much the two weeks prior to my last saturday session. then yesterday, i thought of pushing myself further on my regular jog. so even if my body was a bit sore due to the muay thai session the day before, i jogged/run until my legs wobbled due to tiredness. at least my knees dont hurt no more. so when i attempted to repeat what i did yesterday, halfway through the jog, my shins started to feel like its shouting expletives at me (the same way my knee did a few months ago). so i had to stop because i was really having a hard time running and could only walk really slow. had to ride a jeepney home. so either i overexerted myself or its time to buy a new pair of running shoes. i think the former. im still a month away from completing my thrice weekly jog for three months. im just going to rest tomorrow since i cant risk injuring myself because i have a hearing in malolos, bulacan on wednesday morning.

are we toy soldiers of a corrupt system?

i think that taking the bar exams is something akin to going to war. going to law school is like undergoing a mental military training. like in military camp, law students are like soldiers who try to endure the required years of training. some dont make the cut and drop out. but unlike being in the military, "war" is something certain for law students. most, if not all, who finish law school will have to face the bar exams. bar reviewees then prepare their minds, bodies and spirit to at least successfully finish the four bar exam sundays. every bar reviewee and most law students know that every year, there are a number of "casualties" in the bar exams. there are those who breakdown under the pressure, those who lose confidence, those who just give up in the middle of the "battle" and walk out of the examination room. its not a physical war, for its mostly mental, but it certainly affects the body and spirit. just like in a war, you dont go to the bar exams unprepared. and no matter how skilled and prepared you are, luck (or faith) plays a pivotal role in one's survival. after a month long "war", a lot survive of course but once the results come out, only then will it be determined who were truly succesful in surviving the war. some "die" and never take the bar exams again while some live to fight another year.

the bar exams is a war where every soldier is in the front lines. lawyers are merely those soldiers of the legal profession who effectively survived such war. the courtroom battles and other fields of law practice lawyers engage in appear to be mere skirmishes compared to what bar examinees endure during the bar exams. in effect, the bar exams is, usually, the only "war" most lawyers face in their entire legal career. although law practice or the "skirmishes" do pose much more difficult situations and requires much more skill than taking the bar exams, it does not have the grand scale character of the bar exams that make it look like a full scale war.

take a minute bust a prayer and youre good to go - mc hammer

more than a month ago, i was at Our Lady of Manaoag in Pangasinan to pray for friends who took the 2011 bar exams. i found it a bit funny that when i took my bar exams, i didnt bother going there. after i passed the bar exams, a friend asked me if ive gone to Our Lady of Manaoag and i answered "no". surprised, he said that "di ka man lang nagpasalamat". well, i didnt go there in the first place, to ask for help or divine intervention. for me, it didnt matter which church i go to. as long as i prayed sincerely, that, i think, is enough (although i understand the point that the effort in showing such devotion and sincerity makes a difference). besides, i pray every day and my version of the Our Lady of Manaoag is the UP Chapel. up until today, i make it a habit to drop by the UP Chapel to pray whenever i go to UP for any reason. 

anyway, after praying for my bar examinee friends, or as i called them in my prayer my "comrades" (ive always imagined taking the bar exams as something akin to going to war), i dropped by the church's little shop and saw a lot of rosaries. i then remembered that as a kid (during grade school to be exact), i always wore rosaries like a necklace. there was even a time that i wore three rosaries like it were some kind of bling blings (is this term still used today?). i dont even know why my mother allowed me to wear them to school (insert "oh god why" meme). i carried the habit of having a rosary with me until high school. but unlike during my grade school years, i didnt wear them. i only kept one in my pocket. then during college, i just kept it in my bag and before i even finished college, i stopped bringing a rosary with me. the rosary ive been carrying since 1996 now sits on my study table, covered with dust.

i dont know why i always had a rosary with me. i dont even use it. and my "darkest" times was when i had it with me. its weird that in high school, i stopped going to church, stopped praying and stopped recognizing God yet i maintained the habit of carrying a rosary like i always have my wallet and wristwatch. it was merely a force of habit, an empty gesture, devoid of any meaning. at least during grade school, the reason i always had a rosary with me is not for protection, like some amulet, but simply because it reminds me of my faith and i dont want to forget about it. it makes me happy to know that im in good terms with God. but the moment philosophy and science penetrated my brain, the doubt within me overcame my belief and i simply stopped acknowledging God. i didnt really become an atheist (although i think there were short periods that would be considered i was an atheist but most of the time, i just didnt like the thought of being inferior to a passive God). i just thought i do not need God to live (thats why it was common for me to say back then "hey God, look at me, im doing this on my own, without your help" or "this is it? you gotta be kidding me. is this the best you got God?"). the little faith i have left still thought there is a God but with science and philosophy dominating my state of mind, i started thinking God as insignificant in man's day to day activities. hence i became cocky and adopted the motto that "only God can stop me" in whatever stuff i do. this is why im haunted by a lot of my past actions. the "just do it" motto of nike isnt something worth following 100% of the time.

if not for law school, my faith in God wont be restored. again, its funny my faith was restored in a university that does not promote any religion. i studied in a catholic high school and catholic university but both academic institutions failed to convince me God is worth having. the reason i decided to have faith again is because i wanted to make a deal with God (because i have doubts if the devil does exist). thats how cocky ive become. to go to church, after years of criticizing God, and had the audacity to ask something in return from Him so that i would reinstate my faith in Him. anyway, i wouldnt approve of my intentions then but its because of that incident that my faith transformed into what it is now (besides, i offered a lot more than just "believing in God again" in return for what i asked. despite my initial cockiness of thinking im in the position to bargain with God, what i offered in return truly humbled me).

its not the kind of faith most people have. people go to church every sunday for whatever their reasons are but i go to church every sunday because its one of the promises i made to God, that i will fulfill such an obligation, in return for what i asked (again, among other stuff i offered). its a burden i promised to carry (its a burden because i dont believe in the philippine catholic church). whenever i pray, i make it a point not to ask for help unless really necessary. i make it a point to always be thankful. and i make it a point that i am the one in control of my life and i recognize God as the provider of such life (and for that i am grateful). the question of whether what i do is according to God's will or not falls upon my discretion and not the church's teachings. although i do consider what the church says, the fact that its composed by men means that my own discretion is as good as theirs to a certain extent. the church may have expertise in interpreting God's will but it wont change the fact it is still a human interpretation subject to personal bias and institutional prejudice. they have the authority on what's written in the Bible but they cant be an authority on how to properly live my life since i am the recipient of such gift of life and i know what it has been through and what it should go through. guidance is the most the church can provide and it cannot be mandatory on my part to follow it. thus the freedom and free will given to man remains intact. i think this is what faith should be (if not, then im sticking to my form of belief). a life with a proper balance between faith and reason. to be critical and not be a dummy to external forces and have the independence and discretion to know what is right and what is according to God's will. the most external factors can provide is guidance but enlightenment should always come from within. faith is a personal experience and in my experience, the way i practice my faith, i dont adhere to blind loyalty or blind faith. i doubt but i try not to let such doubt reach destructive heights. i follow God's will for i am His instrument but i never allow my brain to be a meaningless body part by not using the finite wisdom granted to me. the thirst for the infinite is a personal endeavor and a life long struggle. and struggles have more meaning when one's eyes are open and one's heart is filled with passion tempered by reason. i have no idea how i got to this topic and where im heading with it.

looks like a really fun concert

crap. if the concert really looks fun as this music video portrays it, im screwed. well, im screwed if such a concert does happen here. if my recollection of the concert ticket price is correct, when i converted it to peso, the concert ticket costs around P22,000. i could afford it but problem is, im not going to buy only one ticket. most likely, im going to pay for my brother's ticket too. he wants to attend such a concert more than i do.

im not having a quarter life crisis

im just having a nagging thought of finding myself. to be more accurate, making sure that not one part of me gets left behind as i move forward. i think im undergoing some progress and i dont have much doubts about the direction im heading. its just that i dont want to lose my "essence" in the process, or bits and pieces of me which are scattered and compartmentalized within me (which always made it difficult for me to pull myself together).

after more than a decade, im finally taking the concrete steps i need to do to improve myself and become a better person (and after years of planning, im finally in the execution stage). ive known about this all along but i refused to recognize, acknowledge and act on it. why? its simply inconvenient to my lazy and stubborn state of mind. now that im making some progress, i just want to make sure that i move as a whole and not just as parts of me. and in order to make myself whole, i need to find myself. its not merely getting to know myself better (i know myself a lot already) but incorporating every aspect of myself into one cohesive unit. its not only about knowing my limitations and capabilities but establishing a much better harmony within me. its like finding some inner peace but not quite.

this nagging thought of finding myself started when i stumbled upon an old piece of information which reminded me of a self that i liked a lot. if im going to move forward, i dont want this self or this part of me to be left behind.

chocolate love + bar review = come from behind victory?

i will never forget this song. this song has been part of my "review ritual" during the bar review (well, latter part of the bar review. my bar review song before this was "highway star" by deep purple). right before i start hitting the books/review materials, the first step was to get myself a cup of coffee from mcdonalds matalino. due to my tight budget then and my dislike for riding tricycles, i just walk whenever i go to mcdonalds. i then head back home and switch on my laptop. while waiting for my laptop to finish booting up, i prepare the coffee i just bought from mcdonalds. once my laptop is all done with its preliminaries, i play SNSD's Chocolate Love music video and watch it while drinking my coffee. then i play some more snsd music videos until i finish my coffee. but i always start with Chocolate Love just to establish some routine. once i finish my coffee, im already fully relaxed and my brain's likewise stimulated, not only by the coffee, but also visually thus generating better brain activity. with a nicely set up mood, i start studying.

hmmm. there is a japanese professor by the name of Professor Sawaguchi from Hokkaido University who claims that SNSD's Genie promotes brain development. when i heard this, i thought its a bit absurd. but then again, there are scientific findings that sound silly (cant think of one right now). the fact that i passed the bar by adding this routine in my bar review could somehow support such claim. but then again, this should be subjected to experimentation since during the time i was waiting for the bar results, my addiction to snsd during the latter half of the review could have resulted either way. its either the cause of my failure or truly helped me in passing the exams. so im not really sure myself how it affected my bar exams. sure it helped me in getting in the mood to study and stay sane (i was already dying of boredom because of the months of just reading law stuff. sick and tired of reviewing day in and day out) but it also deprived me a lot of review hours because i spent half of the day (from afternoon to 2am on the average) watching youtube videos of snsd.

anyway, before i digress further, this isnt the chocolate love music video. its their practice video and they really look good even in sweatpants. their synchronized moves are hypnotic. the interesting thing about this video is how uninterested the guy at the side of the room is. he looks really bored despite the fact nine girls who leaves millions of guys (and girls) in awe are dancing right in front of him. its like just another day at work for him, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing special. 

so today is valentines day...for some people. for me, i call it tuesday.

when i went jogging a few hours ago, i saw, aside from the heavy traffic, a lot of guys making some last minute flower shopping. the choice of flowers were already very limited and most probably, the prices have increased. wow. the things guys do just to satisfy their women. reminded me of the times i took part in this valentines thing.

i remember half a decade ago...wait...its already more than half a decade ago. wow. its been that long. it feels like just a couple of years ago. anyway, more than half a decade ago, i went to a valentines date and i forgot to bring flowers. yep. of all the things i could forget, i forgot the flowers. i had a really busy day then. being a law student can be hectic at times. i was really drained during that time and i had to go home to go to our family dinner for valentines day. we went to a nearby restaurant. after the family dinner, i went back home to change and my grandmother, who was informed i had a date, told me not to do anything stupid or anything i will regret. she doesnt have to remind me of that. one of my fears is to suddenly have a family of my own. not all surprises are pleasant (but i admit, suddenly having a family of my own cant be all bad. although financially it is). anyway, i was tired and drained and on my way to the restaurant for the date. i didnt bring my car since i wasnt in the mood to drive. too tired. during my commute, while at the waiting shed, there was this old lady selling roses placed in a small metal bucket. i thought of buying a few but i was too busy thinking of something else. so i thought, i will just finish whatever im thinking then im going to buy them roses. well, the next time i remembered buying it was when my date asked me about it. crap. so i honestly said, "i thought of buying them but i forgot". doesnt the thought count? im that kind of guy who doesnt make that much effort. like a blockmate said a month ago, i can be sweet sometimes. but most of the time, im not. im too busy being me.

i remember another date a few years ago where i somehow "scolded" my date to finish everything on her plate. aside from the fact that im going to pay for the somewhat expensive dinner, i dont like to see food being wasted. so i said were not going to leave until she finishes everything. im that kind of guy who acts like an annoying parent when im a few years older than my date. since we were going to watch a movie, i even rushed her to finish it because the movie was about to start soon. she just kept whining she was already full. she managed to eat a few more bites before i ended up eating some of her leftovers (because she managed to use her aegyo to convince me to eat it. she's the kind of girl who knows how to use her aegyo to her advantage. coincidentally, a kpop singer with a similar aegyo reminds me of her) so we can finally head towards the cinema. im that kind of guy who doesnt want to be late for a movie.  

then there's the instance when, not really a valentines date, but i managed to buy the flowers for someone on valentines day. i asked the flower shop to prepare it beforehand so i will just pick it up on the morning of valentines day. problem is, i had the flowers but i dont know how to give it to my intended recipient. she's the kind of girl that's hard to locate. so i spent all day waiting for the moment to give it to her. i managed to give it to her thanks to a friend. i didnt mind waiting all day (sort of) because that incident gave me a nice feeling back then but now that im thinking about it, it reminds me of the guys i just saw at the flower shops earlier today. im currently that kind of guy who just watches other people enjoy this somewhat special tuesday. i dont feel bad to be this guy today. maybe because i have good memories of this "special" day in the past.

the thing i realized now is that, valentines day for me usually doesnt have a good start but it usually ends well. i always sleep with a smile whenever such a day ends. tonight will be the same because of this realization. or maybe i just feel good lately (someone made a comment a few weeks ago that she noticed that im cheerful than usual. i smile more often than the usual and my expression is strangely brighter. maybe she hasnt seen me for quite some time).

shared passion, trust and love are the elements of great relationships

i was on tumblr an hour ago and saw a post reblogging a youtube video. i checked it out and i was impressed by how good the maker of the video is in video editing. its not something really remarkable but it impressed me anyway. impressed me enough to wish that this person makes more videos, and longer ones (and not end the videos a bit abruptly). i think the thing i like about this person's created vids is that this person seems to capture the essence of materials he or she uses and manages to form some harmony with his or her chosen music (or maybe there's just a lot of crappy videos on youtube making this person's vids stand out). in any case, these videos are really good and better than the usual ones i see.

in the video below, i think he or she managed to portray in such a short amount of time how nine girls rose to the top (their debut up to their rise to the top were well documented so there's really a lot of material that can be used and that makes it difficult because narrowing it down is a challenge). it really made me think after seeing the progression of the materials this person used, that snsd probably had no inkling back then that they would be this popular or that their efforts and hardships would pay off on such a grand scale.







seeing the videos above made me remember how poor my video editing skills are. i mean, the vids below took me hours to finish and it only contains pictures! whenever i see fan made videos on youtube which only contains pictures, i automatically brand it as lame. so i really do think the videos i made are lame too and i wish i have much better video editing skills. if only i was in college, i would probably be doing that now, making fan made videos of snsd (therefore, i would spend more hours in front of the computer) and improving my really lame and really poor video editing skills.

this video makes me realize how much i like my college blockmates. i dont recall why i made this video in the first place. i recall i spent hours doing this and it was during the time i was in hibernation mode. i also remember missing a get together during this time. i have no idea where the original file of this video is. although its nice i managed to have an online copy, the resolution of the original is way much better.



i miss the days when i was collecting female celebrity wallpapers. i really spent hours looking for high quality wallpapers of hot female celebrities. i really stayed up really late just collecting wallpapers. this was a nice hobby that ended abruptly during my senior year in law school.


cake1 from anubz on Vimeo.

i think my brain is stimulated a bit since i spent the day finishing a pleading that's due tomorrow. its a labor case and my almost non-existent passionate side comes out a bit whenever i write labor case pleadings.

im going to be in a lot of pain tomorrow

as promised to myself, i started going to the gym earlier today. however, i didnt go to a fitness gym (although im considering it). i didnt go to a sleazy men's health club either. i went to an MMA gym. yep. an MMA gym.

one of the reasons i started doing the regular jog thing was because im bothered by how sluggish ive become. i wanted to familiarize my body with my new weight and restore my agility. my physical speed and agility is one of my best kept secrets and when i noticed that im not as fast and agile as i was, then i just lost something im proud of. so i thought, if im going to go to the gym, might as well do something that will help me boost my sense of coordination (aside from improving my agility) in a non-boring way. in short, something like a sport. so im hitting two birds with one stone. by going to an MMA gym, im not only going to a gym, im also engaging in a sport. another reason i thought of going to the gym was because when i went surfing a few weeks ago, i realized how poor my upper body strength was. i was really disappointed with how weak ive become (so that weekend getaway was one of the factors that made me decide to go to a gym).

i initially wanted boxing sessions but i ended up going for muay thai . i thought i can handle the initial muay thai lessons since ive been jogging for months now. but then again, even if ive been exercising for months, my stamina and endurane didnt really improve. its an admitted weakness and i really dont know how to go about it (thats why speed is very crucial for me since i have low stamina, i always try to finish things quickly before i run out of juice).

halfway through the session, i was starting to struggle a bit. fortunately, i managed to finish my first session but every time the trainer/trainor says three (or four or two) more sets (one jab, one straight, two elbow, two knee kicks, etc. or any other combinations) during the latter half of the session, my mind was screaming "aaaaaahhhh!!!!" in exasperation. so i thought of snsd. if 9 girls (or most kpop girl groups) can handle hours of dancing on high heels with blisters on their feet (and get occasionally stepped on by fellow members on high heels) with barely enough sleep (due to their tight schedules) just to master their choreographies, an average guy like me should be able to endure a measly hour of exercise (its one of those moments where one hour can feel very, very long). at least i didnt whine a while ago (although during the last five minutes of the session, im starting to express that i was extremely drained by not kicking very hard). 

my challenge to myself now is to attend this gym weekly for at least three months, without fail. if i miss just one week, the three month period shall be reset until i complete three months with going to such gym once a week (so far, ive managed to accomplish the thrice weekly jog).

how can i not love such a cheerful princess?

im old. i really should start working my ass off

girls' generation were on the late show with david letterman last week and their performance was flawless (i still cant shake off the somewhat sloppy performance they did a few months ago in an awards show). i wasnt expecting they would be doing some sort of promotions in the US any time soon since all of them are gainfully employed by doing other activities. currently, four of them are actresses in dramas (three are lead actresses for "love rain", "speed" and "fashion king" while one has an eight episode stint in the drama "wild romance"), two are permanent cast members in a reality/variety show ("invincible youth" season 2 and one of these two will also be part of the musical "catch me if you can", becoming the fourth member of the group to be casted in another musical) and three are permanent MCs/hosts of a music program (one of the three just finished her lead role in the musical "Fame" which lasted for a few months). these activities are in addition to attending various other programs as guests and hosting their own program where all nine of them are together ("girls generation and the dangerous boys").

this is why one of their wishes they consistently say when asked what they want is...be given time to rest. but i think this is something half-meant on their part. they know that popularity doesnt last forever and they are seizing the moment and taking every opportunity they can hold on to. its reflected on their hardwork and dedication. they invested so much to be where they are now. they used up their pre-teen to mid-teen years training to become professional celebrities. this is their chosen line of work after all. this is no different from studying to become a lawyer for years and working one's ass off everyday for a decade (or maybe a little over half a decade) to at least get back all the time and effort invested during the law school years (and this is why im not earning much. because i really didnt invest any time and effort preparing for my chosen line of work)

anyway, the performances they made in the US (the late show with david letterman and live with kelly, just hours apart) became a news item in various countries (Malaysia, Indonesia, Ukraine, Italy, France and Spain). i thought, is it really that news worthy? then with the kind of foreign news we have (viral youtube vids), i thought "yep. it is". a girl group from south korea isnt something new. the wonder girls have made an international impact a few years back. but the thing with girls generation is their doing it with their own approach. they have their own way of establishing themselves and i find it interesting how theyre doing it. 

the weather must be insanely horrible by 2022

during my job interview yesterday i was asked where i see myself 10 years from now. i answered that i would still be lawyering in a law office. now that i think about it, i really dont see myself doing anything else except practicing in a law office. when i decided to finish my law studies, i acknowledged that this is a profession i will be in for the rest of my life and i will most likely practice it in a law office.

when i was 14, i was asked where i see myself by the age of 24. i said that i see myself parking my own car, in my own house, built on my own lot, greeted by pets upon entry in such house. im 28 and i dont have my own car, i dont own a house and lot and ive lost all my pets. the only thing i got right was that im single.

anyway, ten years is a long time. but at this age, things are less uncertain. when i was 14, i was still in high school and no idea which college i will end up. im not even sure what kind of job i will have (but with a good brain i thought im bound to get a job with a nice salary). my 14 year old self was absolutely clueless that he will become a lawyer. now at this age, things are more predictable. sure there's the uncertainty but choices are now more limited compared to the teenage years. responsibilities and obligations are just some of those restrictions. its easier to see things 10 years from now. the sense of maturity one's expected to have gained at this age somehow contributes in providing a clearer path and stronger determination in walking such path. its easier to plan life at this point in time.

so 10 years from now, i think i will still be in practice in a law office. im not interested in going into politics. even if i win the lottery, i will still practice law. i have no ambition to become a member of the judiciary. death is the only thing that would stop me from going into the future. and ive been taunting death in my mind for years and it still hasnt come (i prohibit myself from doing overt acts because that constitutes suicide and its against my belief). life on the other hand would be the only thing that could make me change my course or my plan for the future. at the moment, i doubt it. lately, i have full control of life.

this post is halfway to nowhere

i stopped being grade-conscious back in high school. i think during junior year. i just lost interest in academic excellence. i carried this attitude until i finished law school, i.e. until the end of my school days.

now i somehow regret it. but not completely. sure it makes things difficult in getting into a good workplace but i really dont want to be judged based on my grades (but i admit, its one of the best ways in evaluating the intellectual capability of a person). besides, i come from top schools in this country. even if i have bad grades, im still more privileged compared to most of the members of the labor force. thats still something i should be very thankful for.

as one friend puts it, we belong to the bottom of the barrel. but now that i think about it, we may be at the bottom of the barrel but we belong to the barrel placed at the top of the stack of barrels. looking at the big picture, its not bad as it seems. i may be in last place but im last among the cream of the crop (but still, it means that among those at the top of the "pyramid", im the least capable).

its a difficult situation to be in. its like the jason segel predicament. if i remember correctly, jason segel had difficulties landing roles because he's not ugly to be cast in funny roles and he's not handsome to be some leading actor. thats why he was told by a good friend of his to create roles for himself since he doesnt fit in the typical stereotype roles.

placing last (or near last) among the best means i give the impression im not good enough to keep up with the best but at the same time, i cant drop to the lower level because i might not really belong to such classification (ive tried and its really a different world). so i guess i will have to find my own niche since its difficult to belong in the usual classifications. but then again, my lazy self is just telling me this so i wont have to try harder. how did i end up with an empowered lazy self? oh right, its because i stopped caring about grades and started to have a weak sense of discipline. but not because im lazy doesnt mean im not capable or im not good enough. thats my lazy self talking again. and i just yawned. my lazy self is forcing me to stop rationalizing and go to sleep.

im disappointed with myself

just had a job interview a few hours ago. more than half a decade later, im still selling myself short. the interviewers kept asking me to convince them why im worth hiring. as usual, im not that convinced i should be hired. a part of me really wants it but my lazy half doesnt. i mean, im giving up my freedom to a certain extent when i join such a law firm. but in exchange for that freedom is the exposure and experience i need to become a good lawyer. it also appears to be a nice law firm which i wont regret being a part of.

i dont know. im the type who only shows his worth after someone takes a chance on me. i find it difficult to tell people in words how good i am. thats why im always told that i sell myself short. a lawschool blockmate even said that i seem to lack faith in myself (when i was surprised how well i did in a particular exam). not really. i just like to put myself down so i would push myself harder. the thing is, im the kind of guy who makes sure im worth the risk if anyone does take a chance on me. so if by some stroke of luck (this worries me because luck is something im also good at) i get hired in the law firm i just went to earlier, im going to make sure they wont regret such a decision. thats what im good at. proving im worth it after one takes a chance on me. i rarely, if not never, show my worth before one takes the risk.

in any case, my sagittarian optimism tells me its a win-win situation. if i get hired in such law firm, im bound to become a better lawyer and be challenged intellectually. if i dont get hired, i get to keep my freedom and see where it will take me. but my non-lazy self is telling me its about time to ditch the laid back lifestyle and do something challenging.

i was wrong. i do have something that i should get rid of this year

i should be working on two pleadings right now but i managed to convince myself to wake up very early tomorrow (even if i know im just fooling myself because i love sleep more than anything else). aside from writing the blog entries below which are products of procrastination, i also spent a lot of time on tumblr and even went out to get a doughnut.

the interesting thing about the doughnut incident was it started on tumblr. i was scrolling down my tumblr dashboard until i chanced upon a post about a guy saying what to do when one gets the last piece of doughnut. after reblogging it, i said, i think im going to get myself a doughnut. so i quickly changed into some outdoor clothes, put on my pair of running shoes and off i went to walk to dunkin donuts matalino to buy one piece of doughnut. after finishing my doughnut, i decided to buy a cup of coffee at mcdonalds to motivate me to work. when i got back home with my cup of coffee, i went back to tumblr and half an hour later, after finishing my coffee, i was reading documents for the pleadings i will be doing. two hours later, after making a very rough draft, i managed to convince myself to just do it tomorrow. wow. these pleadings are due on tuesday and wednesday and i have a hearing on tuesday. im really good at convincing myself that i have time to finish it. i even argue that i can opt not to sleep and pull an all nighter (even if i know thats a blatant lie since i rarely give up sleep), the power of procrastination is just remarkable. i mean, im still procrastinating right now.

now im talking like a girl. a spoiled and fussy one to be more specific.

i mentioned in my post below that i was horrified when a law school blockmate took a whiff at my cap. she said she wanted to know my scent. im sensitive when it comes to my scent. the reason for it is because i have poor sense of smell. i have no good way of knowing whether i smell good or not. thats why i get paranoid about it because of the uncertainty.

ive received compliments that i smell good. all of them from girls (now that i think about it, i wouldnt know how to react if a guy said it. maybe "umm...thanks? i guess"). but even if i do receive positive comments about my scent doesnt mean i smell nice all the time (although a girl ive dated said that i always smell nice whenever she sees me but well, im still not convinced). also, they always compliment me on the perfume i wear. now, ive been using this perfume since college or around 2001. and ive been using it until it went out of stock months ago. i think its no longer in production since in the ten years ive been buying it, its never been out of stock for this long. as usual, i have a secondary perfume that i can resort to whenever the primary perfume i use runs out but its really not my type and its really meant to be just a reserve (the reason its my reserve is because, like my primary perfume, i rarely smell it on someone else but unlike my primary perfume, i dont like it that much. its just good enough). so im hoping im wrong on my hunch that my primary perfume is no longer in production or i will have to look for a new one (i would like to go back to the perfume i used when i was in sixth grade but i just found its not available here in the philippines. crap!!! and its the scent i like next to the one that ive been using for ten years. i dont know if im just really picky or very unfortunate).

anyway, the reason i thought of writing this post is because this somehow explains why im afraid of hugs. its common knowledge that i dont like to be hugged (except to some relatives who barely know me). my "fear" of being hugged is separate and distinct from my "fear" of being touched. thats a separate issue. anyway, whenever someone tries to hug me, i always say im sweaty, which is true. i sweat a lot because of the very warm weather we have. with my recent weight gain, i feel the weather got a lot warmer. so its not really because i dont like people to hug me but im afraid of allowing them to get too close to actually get a good whiff of my body. thats how sensitive i am about it. thats why i dont hug back either because just being hugged already makes me very uncomfortable due to my paranoia and sensitivity on how i smell. even if no one has reacted adversely, i still cant get rid of the thought that i dont smell good. thats why whenever i sweat a lot, i secretly check from time to time how i smell, which is silly because i have a poor sense of smell. checking it seems like a mere gesture on my part to reassure me a bit because i dont smell anything.

if my talkative self comes back, i'll be telling this kind of long, boring, pointless stories instead of just writing it

ive been thinking of "retiring" my mudflap girl cap for months. my plan was to replace it with a white on black yankees new era 39thirty cap. unfortunately, i only keep seeing 59fifty ones. so i decided to look for an alternative cap. i actually saw a design i liked last month at Levis Gateway. it was on display along with the mannequins. i decided to take a closer look at it so i actually went to the window display and took it without asking for assistance from the salespeople (so i was stretching my arm trying to reach it from behind the mannequin). i managed to get it and i saw it was a bit dirty so i asked if they have another one in stock. the salesperson said thats the only one left. my siblings were with me and they said its a bit of a hassle to buy it since i have to wash it first before i can use it (its that dirty. its probably been on display for quite some time already). so i decided to look for it in other Levis stores. but i noticed that when i was about to leave, the salesperson didnt return the cap to the window display (i thought they might have taken my siblings' comments seriously that they are putting on display dirty items).

so i continued looking for it in their other stores while i was doing my xmas shopping and the salespeople consistently told me the following:

• the items they have on display are the ones they have (so if i dont see it, they dont have it)
• every store only gets two pieces of each cap design. so if they sell two caps of the same design, then its officially sold out for that particular store (so all their cap designs are limited edition?)

i actually went to these different stores twice (except the one at Gateway) just to make sure i didnt miss it when i first checked or the salespeople were wrong in thinking they dont have it. well, no luck in all instances.

surprisingly, while i was in tabaco city, albay, specifically at the bus terminal waiting for the bus on a saturday (and i did have laundry on my back, in my bag), a man went to the ticket booth near me and he was wearing the goddamn cap ive been looking for at the Levis stores! i thought "seriously? first i keep seeing the yankees cap i want and i cant find where i can buy it and now, the levis cap is doing the same thing too?". if what the salespeople told me were true, then even if Levis has a hundred stores nationwide, if they only sell two of each design, the chances of seeing someone wearing the design i want is small. i was really tempted to ask the man if i can buy his cap but i scared myself that i dont know where that cap has been or how much stranger sweat it has absorbed (thats why i was horrified when a law school blockmate took a whiff at my cap. she actually placed my cap on her nose and took a whiff. i quickly grabbed it back. sure i wash it but still, you just dont grab someone else's cap and smell it. the same way one shouldnt share earphones).

anyway, i remembered the cap incident in bicol a week later, or yesterday to be more specific. after buying groceries, i decided to drop by at Levis Gateway to see if they managed to sell the cap i took from their display window without permission. even if im supposed to be in a "financial recovery period" (due to the xmas shopping expenses), i said to myself that if the cap is still there, dirty or not, im going to buy it. summer is just around the corner and i need a new cap. the one im using has reached its limit. its still usable but it can no longer hide the visible signs of wear and tear. its time for it to retire like the other caps that preceded it.

finally, i was standing in front of the store and obviously, the cap isnt on display. the concept of the window display has also changed. i scanned the store and there were no caps in sight. at first. then i saw it. the caps were displayed behind the cashier counter. again, without asking for assistance or permission, i went behind the cashier counter and started checking the caps. in the middle of the pile was the cap i saw weeks earlier. and they washed it! when i turned, the saleslady/cashier was behind me and i immediately bought it (we had to exchange places because i was standing where she, the cashier, was supposed to be).

im really picky when it comes to caps. its like picking a bag. i can take months looking for the design i like. i dont know, i just really like this one and its a good alternative to the yankees cap which i vow i will get this year.

the ones on the right are the caps that have served me well (and officially retired). the eccentric cap (college), natural life cap (law school), mudflap girl cap (law school to present). the simple looking cap at the back was a secondary cap (in case i cant use the existing primary cap).

next up...motormouth

its official. freddie loose lips is back. he's going to sink ships if i dont restrain him. well, not sure about the declaration that its official but he is back. not that he completely went away but i used to be good in keeping my mouth shut. now, i just speak before i think. the stuff i say really gets on people's nerve (i have the ability to utter words that can make a group of people stop whatever theyre doing, pause for a few seconds and look at me with facial expressions saying "WTF?!" or "how could you say such a thing?"). well, what do people expect from a naturally cruel guy? well, i appear to be cruel because people prefer to live in a sugarcoated world (i missed delivering my harsh one-liners).

anyway, i end up backing down from senseless arguments because i started it anyway. of course i mean no harm but sometimes a mere statement of fact can be offensive and can be considered as a mere opinion (like the color of a girl's dress. i see it as pink but the other person says its closer to orange. there's nothing offensive in this example but this example was meant to show that a mere statement of fact actually led to a half an hour argument due to differing perceptions. now that i think about it, the problem could be attributable to the TV's color settings).

so far, i havent let out any important secrets or any confidential information. now, i have to exert more effort in keeping em sealed in my brain and never allow it to even reach the tip of my tongue.

its in our nature to be resilient

so should the chief justice resign? he should not. i just read a comment that if this impeachment scenario happened in a particular country, the public official would have resigned because it is unbearable in the culture of the particular country to deal with a tarnished reputation. in our case, doing otherwise reflects a lack of delicadeza or greed for power. but is it really? this statement applies if the public official is indeed guilty. what if he or she is not? if one is innocent or not guilty of the accusations hurled against him or her, why would he or she give up his or her public position? the same way that if an innocent person is convicted by a court of justice, he or she must not stop fighthing for his or her freedom until all the legal remedies run out.

actually, i have a client that is somewhat under this kind of situation. i dont know if the client is innocent (i got this case when its already at the Supreme Court level) but he (or she) never won in any court (from the lower court to appellate courts) and recently lost in his (or her) motion for reconsideration before the Supreme Court. now, as a defense lawyer, i should give the client the best (or ideal) legal service i could possibly give. im not in the position to judge him (or her) if he (or she) committed the alleged crime or not. i should always operate under the notion that he (or she) is innocent (the presumption applies until proven guilty beyond reasonable doubt). but he (or she) has been proven guilty by the lower courts! well, courts can commit errors. that is why there are remedies like appeal. now, its the Supreme Court that has ruled my client is guilty. even if he (or she) is indeed is innocent, there isnt much i can do. but at least he (or she) fought until the very end. isnt this more admirable than just accepting the conviction right from the beginning? well, this applies if the person is indeed innocent. to detain an innocent person is certainly unjust but unfortunately, it happens.

now, in the case of CJ Corona, if he is not guilty of the accussations thrown against him, the better thing to do is not resign. if i were in his position, why would i give up something when i didnt do anything wrong? can you blame the CJ if filipino resilience runs through his veins? tarnish his reputation all you want but if he firmly believes he did not do anything wrong, he should never give up his post. resignation in some cases is like suicide.

besides, i think its about time our country has a complete impeachment trial. the previous ones keep getting aborted.

some old news

i managed to complete the nine day night mass last month. that would be two years in a row. but unlike in 2010 where i was able to attend all the 430 am masses, last year, i was late for one of the 430 am mass and attended one 6am mass (failed to wake up earlier). but still, i was able to complete the nine day series of masses.

the thing that annoyed me during the night mass was the rowdy kids. i dont have an idea why they attend the night mass in the first place when they dont even listen. they just talk with each other and laugh. at least i try to listen even if i fall asleep in some parts of the mass (that made me wonder, how did i manage to endure the 2010 masses? i dont recall getting very sleepy when i attended the 2010 night mass). 

as the days went by, attending the night mass was getting more difficult. its really hard to wake up since i didnt sleep earlier (there's simply a lot of stuff to do during the holiday season). for a person who loves to sleep, waking up at 4am is really ridiculous and irritating. but i managed to just keep attending it until i finished all nine days.

the reason im blogging about the night mass is because i remembered how much hate i have in me. now that im loosening up gradually, its becoming clearer that i never got rid of the hatred within me. i merely suppressed it and managed to bottle it up nicely.  just thinking about it reminds me of the amount of hatred i have when i was in high school (a friend described me as "ang taong galit sa mundo sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos").

the night masses brings that hatred out of me. sort of. during the night masses, my mind just becomes filled with hatred. hateful thoughts swim in my head as the priest conducts his mass. not that its directed at anyone attending the mass but its just hate running around my mind. how nice it would be to do this and that. destructive things, hateful things, horrible thoughts, etc. well, its hard to restrain my mind at 430 am in the morning. yet despite being filled with hate, a part of me can still peacefully listen to the priest and calmly hear mass. its like floating in a turbulent sea of hatred and looking at a serene sky. like i can let my hatred run loose in my mind and not worry about it turning into real physical action because the four walls of the church can serve as some sort of sanctuary in lieu of the mental restraints i place to control it. the night masses made me realize that the evil that i allowed to grow in the past still resides within me yet i need not fear it as long as i know how to keep things in control.

well, now that im still in the process of loosening up, i just hope i dont lose control. at the moment, im having difficulties shutting my mouth and preventing myself from making unintentional hurtful and insensitive comments. my sagittarian inability to sugarcoat the stuff i say is back. damn it. its like i never learned to be polite.

challenge accepted

2012 has finally arrived. so do i have a new year's resolution? nope. dont have one. i pretty much started what can be considered as resolutions months ago. even the much avoided and abhorred exercise. i do it in the form of walks and jogging. so far ive managed to sustain the afternoon walk/jog and the only time i fail to do it is when im prevented by work, weather and illness. im surprisingly serious of making it a habit to exercise that when i was prevented by the weather from going out, i contemplated signing up for a gym membership to compensate for the exercise days lost due to bad weather.




who would have thought that the person who said "the only way im going to actually exercise regularly is if a young or middle-aged woman who can be aptly described as an athletic hottie gives me a very good reason to do it. not even a doctor can convince me to exercise even if my life depended on it. unless the doctor is some incredibly attractive female doctor...then....i would still say no but i might be open to some convincing if she has enough valid reasons" would be this serious in exercising? well, although i didnt get a good reason for it, an athletic hottie celebrity did inspire me. her dedication is simply inspiring (and seeing how hot she looked on the treadmill). with an inspiring beauty coupled with my "urge" to exercise, my brain successfully convinced me to just do it.

since ive been doing a good job in exercising, i thought its about time to buy a new pair of running shoes. the ones i have now are showing signs of wear and tear but i think it can still last for a few more months. but since i dont have a new year's resolution, i thought of making it challenging to buy a new pair of shoes by having to meet some conditions before i allow myself to buy it. since my concern right now is whether i will be able to sustain this exercise routine for the coming months, i thought that i will only buy a new pair if i manage to exercise at least thrice a week for three months (so far, that was my average number of exercise days since i started it last november). the only time i will allow myself to have less than the thrice a week condition is if work, weather or illness prevents me from exercising (or some other compelling reason). if i fail to meet the thrice a week condition even once, i will reset the period until i complete the thrice a week exercise for three months.

the only time i will buy a new pair of running shoes without meeting the abovementioned condition is if my current pair becomes completely unusable. but i will not buy the pair i want. i will buy a cheap but adequate replacement pair (and i dont want the replacement pair i have in mind)