breaking stuff since 1983

this week has been about breaking stuff. or things getting broken.

Smoking:
Yup. After quitting a few years ago, i managed to pick up that wonderful stick of cigarette. Holy crap. I missed it so much! I have been craving for it for weeks. The craving was really driving me nuts. I was having that imaginary taste of nicotine in my mouth. So when i finally gave in, it was like "good God! im sorry but fuck! why cant i smoke this everyday?!" Fortunately, i can still control myself well enough that i havent picked up a second stick since then. But lately, ive been catching myself staring at women at the smoker's area in restaurants. they must think im looking at them but im actually eyeing the cigarette stick theyre holding between their fingers. well, if they're hot, im also eyeing them but fuck! what i really want is that cigarette stick!


Simbang Gabi:
I managed to complete Simbang Gabi two years in a row. Not this year. I havent even attended one. Crap. Well, God, this wasnt part of the promise i made back in 2009. i never made an offer to attend Simbang Gabi. so, i didnt break our deal. So far ive managed to comply with my end of the bargain. if i havent, send some lightning my way. or actually hit me with lightning. it doesnt really matter to me anymore. And im sorry if im taking too long with the communion thing. You have to admit, im finding it difficult to forgive myself. My condition was, and still is, im going to start receiving holy communion when im ready. for a person who is commonly perceived as an atheist, i take my faith and worship seriously.


Running Shoes:
Plus broke. sort of. while walking inside the mall, my right running shoe felt weird. when i checked it half an hour later (yup, it took me half an hour to reach that level of curiosity why my right running shoe felt weird while walking), part of the sole was already detached. do i fix it or buy another pair? im thinking both.


Woman's Heart:
Yeah. i really dont like breaking women's hearts. actually i dont break women's hearts...intentionally. im the one who usually gets his heart broken. But i have to. Christmas is just around the corner so i better break it before Christmas. damn it! Why cant "im really busy right now. most likely im going to be busy until election time" a sufficient hint? i stopped answering her text messages too. Why would someone insist on texting a person who hasnt answered for days? and the last text message i sent was "sorry, im really busy. i have no time". come to think of it, i also experienced being at the other end. but i got the hint after a couple of days of being ignored. i was just bored thats why i kept pestering her. why do we have to complicate things?

then fast forward a few years later, theyre going to be in some law office, complaining about their partners. people have the knack for choosing the wrong person for the wrong reasons. usually, its really a matter of being more logical during the time you were making that crucial choice which to keep and which to let go. sometimes im tempted to say, "when you chose that partner of yours, what were you thinking? oh. wait, you werent thinking. and now youre crying your eyes out? what happened to the other person? is she or he better off compared to you?" well, if i said this, my client would probably unleash hell in my office since im not really helping. meh. what do i know? i just keep on moving until i reach the end of the journey. the unbaggable mr. kite.

i should be writing more. posting vids is just plain lazy

im starting to rediscover the music i used to listen to

As long as its still about me then why not.

Today, Tristofer, we believe God wants you to know that ..

your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

God loves you with the very air you breathe, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere, - melt your barriers, and you will have love in abundance.

haaay. Joyce Pring...

i told her that i like her...more than a friend.

tapos ang sagot ni luningning: you know what? i like you too...but youre like a brother to me.

Boom!

Kkab Yul

because i dont have time to watch youtube videos :(

i noticed that i havent been practicing my writing skills lately thus the rusty fingertips

to give my average "literary" brain a little squeeze...

a few days ago i celebrated my birthday. voluntarily. im not the type...or i used to be the type of person who hates his birthday. not that i dont like growing old...well, i do but thats not the reason for my dislike for the day of my birth. its just people tend to make a big deal out of it. people remember it more than i do and they want to make it special and i find that stressful. or i used to find it stressful. im not used to receiving such kind of love from a lot of people. or im just that type who really doesnt like to be loved. its like i feel i need to return the favor. like the time my college blockmates gave me a gift on my birthday. i was happy of course but a part of me felt obligated to be nice or do something in return. thats why one my blockmates started teasing me and telling our law school blockmates the way i reacted, that it was insulting, just to drive her point that i dont have to feel burdened. well, that didnt work. im known for being stubborn.

it was only this year that i started to embrace the idea that my birthday really should be a day dedicated to celebrating one's life and not a day for things happening according to what i want. add the fact that i think i finally restored a healthy level of inner peace, where i can honestly say that im living a life with no regrets (well, this is prospective in nature and therefore does not retroact to the period of my life where i lost my "inner peace" so therefore, i now have what i call "the 8 year window" where ive done a lot of regretful things. im thinking if i should make a list similar to earl hickey).

anyway, like i said, people make a fuss about my birthday. given that i gave my consent to celebrate my birthday, my parents started planning and preparing what to do. since i dont know how to cook, i just volunteered to buy dozens of donuts, pancit and pizza. fortunately, the celebration at home went well. the office celebration went well too but it didnt really go very smoothly during the planning stage. i had to pacify an officemate a bit when he felt that another officemate ruined my birthday celebration plans. during that time, i remembered a client who also manifested the same kind of resentment and hatred, this time to our opposing lawyer. my client was really trying to convince me to resort to the same kind of strategy our opposing lawyer was doing, which was throwing malevolent, baseless and offensive statements to the opposing party. i kept replying that im not that kind of lawyer and im not that kind of person who's easily affected by offensive statements. the client just replied "mabait ka kasi attorney", looking disappointed. what did she expect? anyway, we sort of won the case so i proved that doing things my way is good enough. im digressing. damn it.

so i celebrated my birthday and it was the first time since i was a teenager that i actually enjoyed celebrating my birthday. if im not mistaken, the last time i really enjoyed celebrating my birthday at home was when i was 13. the subsequent birthdays just felt burdensome. people like to celebrate it more than i do. or thats how i saw it. i really found it stressful that they're more happy that i exist compared to my level of satisfaction for my existence.  and they always talk about politics during gatherings. since i was just a highschool student or college student or law student, i really dont have good opinions or capable of contributing to the discussion at my clan's level. their experience really makes whatever stuff i learn from academic institutions look like scraps of paper in a trash bin. or thats how i felt. now, things have changed. now that im a lawyer, im burdened that my words are worth something. but at least this is better since there's a sense of recognition. well, thats what i think. meh. point is, i enjoyed my birthday this year and that's something i havent done for quite some time.

wow. im really struggling to write something as easy as a blog entry.

i think im going to fail to surpass my self for the 2nd straight year

im having one of those days where im anticipating something and at the same time surprised about it as if it was something unexpected. take today for example. ive been counting down to december since i have marked this day as a deadline. i was too focused on thinking of the end of november that i failed to realize that december comes after. stupid isnt it? missing the obvious is one of my peculiar traits (like feigning ignorance, acting stupid, walking contradiction, etc. as i grow older, i become more convinced that having a brain like mine is a curse). anyway, after hours of counting down as november 2012 fades into nothingness, i was suddenly surprised a few minutes ago its december already. what the? its like half of me knew that its december already since ive been waiting for november to end while the other half is just absolutely clueless. i was really surprised to see the date on my computer clock that its the 1st of december already.

this explains how my right hand can do things which my left hand is completely unaware of. not literally of course. this trait somewhat resembles absentmindedness but not quite. its more of being on autopilot. residual consciousness. if i set my mind on something, i mean, if i get too focused on something, i start to have tunnel vision. but the trick is, dont let one's entire attention be sucked in it. its the voice at the back of one's mind. so while my attention is deeply focused on something, the subconscious tries to gather a small amount of consciousness to make mental notes. once i achieve enough focus to go on autopilot, the two forms of consciousness switch places.

now that i have passed my neuro exam and i have been declared as sane, i can now be open again about my weirdness and other eccentricities.

the guy from the ivory tower has been asking me questions lately

last week, while inside my office room, i wondered if im able to truly love another person. the reason why such a question popped in my head is because i have this client who was doing everything he can for his kids. i mean, this guy really loves them so much that he is willing to endure pain and to make sacrifices in order to give them a better life. the same way my parents have done for me.

i just tried to imagine how they do it. they have this person who makes their heart weep so much that the pain must be so great and that is the same person that makes their heart swell with immeasurable delight. i know of people who have made me feel that way (or something similar) but i havent really experienced it the same way my client or my parents did. i mean, they have loved a person that gives them great pain and great joy for numerous decades. their love for that person doesnt seem to fade or diminish over time.

so i asked myself, can i do the same? and in that office room, i answered "i dont know". i answered with an expression similar to barney and quinn when they asked whether they trust each other and they said "no".

i think i can do it but thinking is different from actually doing it. from actually feeling it. saying "yes i can" because i think i can is just the first step to a thousand mile journey. one's love for a person is bound to be tested by time. and whether it will grow stronger, stay the same or falter isnt something i can answer at this point in time. well, certainly i cant answer it since i dont have any recipient for such affection but what i mean is, if there is someone, can i love that person with the same kind of love my client has exhibited or the same love my parents have given me? like i said, i dont know. of course im going to do everything i can to make things work but i also shouldnt forget the possibility that some things just arent meant to be. and this is the more pertinent question i asked myself that day: am i really meant to be "normal" or im better off staying weird?

im that guy who had decided as early as high school to live a solitary life. im a self-proclaimed loner (the same way im a self-proclaimed black sheep. and people disagree). that is why i graduated from college not noticing that i never had a girlfriend. i just didnt have a need for it. i was ok on my own. it was only when i started "opening up" that i became less weird and started doing what normal people do. i allowed myself to like women, lowered my defenses (thus decreasing my aversion for them since i consider them my kryptonite) and even made attempts to be in somewhat romantic relationships. not sure if ive tried everything, most likely i havent, but ive tried lots, and nothing worked. i just kept getting back up from every miss and mistake i make to the point that i said "three strikes, im out" for nothing continued to happen. so i started fooling around to pass the time since nothing's going to work anyway. in the end, or until recently, i thought, im just fooling myself.


then i started to wonder, "maybe i was right in the first place". maybe im supposed to be that weird guy who likes to live alone. the thing is, the reason i answered "i dont know" when i asked myself if i can truly love another person with the same love my client/parents exhibited is because when i tried to look back at the women i liked and imagined if things did work out with them, i thought, im not sure if my feelings for them will stay the same for decades. but can i really answer it now? or can anyone answer it right away? that they can love a person in sickness and in health til death comes for one of them? when they answer, arent they really answering in present tense? anyway, my point is, i thought, maybe that is why i dont have an intense desire to be in a relationship with anyone. im not fully convinced its for me. of course, people will say, its because i havent met that girl that would really change the way i think or transform me into that normal person. well, if thats true, then why cant i shake off the hunch that its my high school self that i should be listening to? why am i scared of actually meeting someone that will change me? or to put it in another way, why am i more interested in maintaining the current state of things? even though i say "wouldnt it be nice to be in a relationship", i dont think im entirely for it. a part of me finds it unacceptable. actually, most of me is against being in a relationship. its just im capable of actually loving a person and a part of me feels bad that i dont get to use it. its frustrating to have something great lying around in some corner unused. issues. i have commitment and attachment issues. i think. well, i promised myself to start this week right, so i cant be up all night even if i have demons to fight.

crap. its 1am already. if im going to start this week right, i better be at mcdonalds by sunrise

Quotes from the film "Pote tin Kyriaki" (1960)

Because you are the whole world. beautiful and corrupt. Ilia is lovely. but for me, she's not a woman. she's an idea. She's an outlaw! - Homer Thrace

***
They said that the true happiness comes from the pleasure of the mind. That the greatest happiness is the joy of understanding - Homer Thrace

***
And Ilya ate the apple of wisdom and she knew shame. - The Captain

***
The Captain: So he told Taki if he couldn't read music, he was no real musician and he never would be. So Taki began to cry and he said he would never play again

Taki: Im ignorant! I'll never play again!

Ilya: Taki, listen. People who made up music notes..they made them up so that they could write down music, no? You make music. They need the notes to write down what you play. If you dont play, what can they do with their notes? Nothing. Taki, can birds read music?

Taki: No.

Ilya: So should birds stop singing?

***
Homer Thrace: Youre beatiful but youre dumb! i wanted to save you. because you were the symbol!

Tonio: She's not a symbol. She is a woman

***
The Captain: if anyone will save Ilia, it would be Tonio

Homer Thrace: Why Tonio?

The Captain: Because with love, its possible

can i get a much stronger push? like "God wants you to know...go get her you idiot!"

On this day of your life, Tristofer, we believe God wants you to know ... that to love is to be vulnerable.

Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.

all about the stuff i cathect and my lumix Miyoung

so i finally bought me a tablet. but i shall not write a blog entry about it until i write an entry for my Lumix LX5, which is almost one year late (and there's already a Lumix LX7). i have to be fair to all my stuff i "cathect".

dagger and cloak as yoonyul

i have an entry for my phones Cloak and Dagger and my laptop Grimlock. i give names to stuff i own that i really like (i call my backpack "69", my wristwatch: "4D". my thumbdrives "Laserbeak" and "Snaptrap", my mp3 player "Opal" (well, it is its default name), my cousin's ipaq "Hawkeye III", my PS3 "Noir", our PC "Teletraan", my running shoes "Plus" and "Minus", my chucks "Black" and "Blue" (yeah, i wasnt in the mood to be creative with their names then), my boots "Zip" and "Earth", my "mall bag" "Yuki", my "jogging bag" "X", my sports earphones "Number 8", my workbag "Ironhide", my sennheiser earphones "Bliss", my sports bottles "Curve" and "Camel", my cereal bowl "Dos", my parker pens "Gold" and "Silver", my caps "Dot" and "Santa", my switchblade "Strawberry Farm", my spoon, fork and chopsticks "Nom, nom and Nom",  and my tablet "Rinnegan" (at the moment. the names arent permanent. but i rarely change them anyway). i think that's errbody)

why give em names? well, these are the stuff i intend to "work" with for quite some time and when its time for them to "retire", i will feel bad about not being able to use them anymore (like "Dot"). these are the personal stuff i cathect thats why i give em names. i use its names like "where the crap is Silver"? or "i have to meet a client and Black's a bit dirty so...Blue, youre up", "im going to bicol. 69 and Zip, youre coming with me", "Damn it Cloak, why do you have to crash and lose all my contacts. now i have to plug you to Teletraan to restore your back-up". i dont know. its more interesting than just calling it nokia phone or black bag or that pair of white shoes, etc. maybe i need a pet. or im just weird and creepy. in any case, i like giving names to stuff i like. its like establishing some kind of "partnership" with them. like driving an automobile. you dont just drive a car, you get to know it in order to drive it well. you acquaint yourself wih how this automobile operates. but with the non-mechanical stuff, its really just having a favorite pen or a cap you use very often.

Free Time; AAGG: Paradise in Phuket

so if my stuff doesnt have a name, its just some piece of machinery or some stuff. sorry samsung phone. maybe i will grow to like you in the coming months.

anyway, i bought my Panasonic Lumix LX5 (which i call Miyoung) last December 2011. it was recommended to me by a friend. but i was still very undecided when to buy it then. i was thinking of postponing it until the first quarter of 2012. i mean, its not some cheap ass digicam. then i saw Tiffany Hwang carrying a Lumix GF1 (if im not mistaken) and i thought "wow. that camera looks nice with a leather case. and a girls' generation member owns a lumix" (yeah, girls generation can pretty much sell me anything and im likely to buy it. i bought an intel i5 processor because of them, i bought an LG

Free Time; AAGG: Paradise in Phuket

monitor because of them, i eat Samyang ramyun because of them). then i checked the Lumix Lx5 and it also has a leather case and it kinda looks like the one Tiffany has. so i thought, im going to buy me a Lumix digicam (and its leather case. its really the leather case that caught my attention). i didnt get the digicam model Tiffany Hwang has because i already had my eye on the LX5. seeing her with a lumix camera just made me decide to buy it as soon as possible because i started to have intense desire to have it. so a couple of weeks later, i got me a lumix LX5 and i was, and still am, happy with it. im no photographer but the camera made me interested in taking photos. i like what it captures. the pictures are great. the only thing i feel bad about it is that, i cant maximize its use because im not a photographer. but im trying to get myself acquainted with its other capabilities. so far, i havent mastered its timing the same way i mastered my previous digicam Cybershot (didnt have to come up with a name because cybershot is a nice name to begin with) which was stolen from me because 69 wasnt zipped properly.

Free Time; AAGG: Paradise in Phuket

what i really really want is...an adventure of a lifetime?

last weekend, while inside the mall to go to a cellphone store to have something replaced, i asked myself "how come i dont hustle?". i mean, why dont i exert some effort to get what i want? then i thought, thats not entirely true. i hustle for food i want. if i want J.Co donuts, 90% of the time i would try to think of a reason to go to the mall so i can drop by J.Co. if i cant think of a reason, im going to go there anyway and line up for an hour and a half for a dozen mouth watering donuts. if the lady at J.Co says the donut flavor i want isnt available, im going to ask her to check and make sure that its really not available or im going to wait for it if they're still going to make one. 10% of the time, i dont want it that bad. thats when i dont "hustle".

another example was when i really wanted to take a shower and have a massage after a tiring work day and before going out with friends. since im in a somewhat unfamiliar territory, it took me hours before finally finding a spa with my preferences (must have a shower!). i mean, if i really want something, i really go the extra mile to get it. that is why i dont hustle to get the girl that i like. i just probably dont want it that bad. the fact that i can "stop" myself from liking a girl could only mean my desire for her is not strong enough. so i asked myself "why would i hustle half-heartedly? im being unfair to the girl and im depriving other guys who might be more deserving for they would hustle for that girl more than i would." so i thought, "then my problem is contentment?" i mean, thats why i dont want things that bad because im ok with the way things are now. thats why i dont hustle for a better paying job. sure i make an effort, but i dont hustle. i complain about my salary but i really dont make concrete efforts to do something about it because at the end of the day, im ok with the way things are.

this is what i dont like. im too...laid back. i took timon and pumba's hakuna matata philosophy too seriously. my life is like, no matter what happens, i respond with "meh. no worries". stress free. now who wouldnt want that? problem is, with this kind of attitude, im bound to go nowhere. its like waiting for something happen. good things come to those who wait. but those are what's left by those who hustle. those who hustle get the best and good ones in life. crap. i dont want leftovers.

a few weeks ago, i tried hustling to get things i want. though i dont want it that bad, i hustled for it anyway and i got them. but since i dont want it that bad, my satisfaction for acquiring it isnt great. so what's bothering me isnt the fact that i dont hustle. because i know how to hustle for things. its just that i usually dont. what's really bothering me is my lack of intense desire for things. ive been criticized that i lack ambition. i didnt want to go to college but my parents scolded me that it was a stupid thing to say, and they probably thought i was joking. so i took them college entrance exams just to get it over with. i finished college. but then, i dont feel like working yet and i wanted to study some more. so i took up law because it seemed interesting. i was surprised during my third year in law school that i might actually finish my law studies. so i thought, "damn it. time to get serious". that only lasted for a couple of semesters. i finished law school and it was time to take the bar exams. i thought, "to minimize the pressure, im going to pass it on my second take. i dont feel like squeezing my brains out". i passed the bar exams on my first take. wow. im a lawyer. i started working in a law office one week after the bar exams, even before passing the bar and my daily attire, if i dont have court hearings is a pair of jeans, a collared shirt and high cut chucks. i hardly look like them lawyers on tv. im that carefree guy who just kept moving, who projects an aura of seriousness, depth and gentleness. i think.

how the hell did i make it this far? i look at other people hustling for the position im in and here i am, not much care in the world. sometimes i wonder what the hell am i supposed to do? why cant i just have a simple life? or a life where i travel a lot and not in some office room. if my 10 year old self will see me, he would probably be disappointed. i always answered in "what i would like to be" questions is that i want to job involving exposure to the great outdoors. or inside a laboratory like a scientist with some field research. why dont i hustle for such kind of work? dont i want it that bad? maybe ive given up on such kind of childhood dreams. the fact things arent that bad makes me stuck in this somewhat awful rut. so i said to myself, "maybe its time to shake things a bit". question is "how?" maybe i will get an answer the next time i ask myself questions while walking inside the mall.

that Hoy hoy Buloy band

havent listened to this band for quite some time. i remember hearing them on NU 107 back in the late 90s. when i tried encouraging my high school friend, and fellow Ehead fan, to listen to them, he found them corny and with no future. meh. i like their sense of humor. and their song lyrics are nice.

creepy tall guy

last thursday, i had a hearing in QC. when i was about to leave to Hall of Justice, about to step out at the exit, i noticed a lady lawyer at the guard station, having her bag inspected. we were at the main entrance. now, the hall of justice QC has side exits in addition to the exit at the main entrance area. in order to go back to the law office, i will have to pass by these side exits. actually, i could pass through the side exit but i felt like walking a bit so i used the main exit. anyway, as i was about to pass by the side exit, i noticed the lady lawyer i just saw at the main entrance using the side exit. i thought, "hmmm. interesting. why would she want to be dropped off at the main entrance only to exit at the side of the building? she just gave the impression she entered the building to attend a hearing but in fact...is she hiding something? so i followed her. yup. creepy tall guy mode. from the side exit, she went to the assessor's office area. i thought "is she going to secretly meet someone?" she just kept walking and i followed her from a distance. long story short. she ended going to the post office. damn it! she's just going to file a pleading and she must have forgotten she needs to furnish the other party a copy first. nothing interesting there. this just goes to show that when im bored, im bored.

another creepy tall guy incident happened a while ago. i went to this nearby burger joint and their waitress was pretty. i noticed she has no ring on her finger yet so i thought she's probably available. so in less than an hour of being in the establishment and a little observation here and there, i managed to get her full name without asking for it. people should be very careful with their private information. i dont think she has an ID or nametag but i still managed to get her full name even if the receipt only provides her first name. how? im good with research. the creepy part is, i managed to see her facebook profile and learned she already has a family, a baby thats less than a half a year old and some other personal information

thing is, im not even a pro in getting these kind of information. i just do it out of boredom, while waiting for a food order or while im walking back to the office just to amuse myself with what information i can gather. you never know what you might stumble upon. what more if the person is an intelligence operative or a stalker? come to think of it, ive been reckless with my personal information lately.

the more you know, the more you dont know

this is something my science teacher said when i was a freshman in high school. my classmates laughed at the thought. i was fascinated by it. now, it annoys me.

its 1am and i cant sleep. normally, im already fast asleep by this time. and i cant sleep because of the questions running in my head. a thought has been bothering me lately and somehow, the quote from Klaus (HIMYM S08E01) is somewhat relevant:

“There is a word in German: Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. And the closest translation would be…'Lifelong Treasure of Destiny.' And Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. She is my Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand, you know? It means…'the thing that is almost the thing that you want…but it’s not quite.' Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously.It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm…filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body…in your hands…in your heart…in your stomach…in your skin…Have you ever felt this way about someone? If you have to think about it, you have not felt it. Everyone [finds it] eventually. You just never know when or where." - Klaus

so my question is...or my questions are: if Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand is the thing that is almost the thing you want but not quite, does it mean that Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is the perfect person for you? does everyone really find it eventually? what is instantaneous?

back in July 2008, i wrote a blog entry i entitled "the power of love" wherein i wrote that love, in its true form, is reserved for those who deserve it. therefore my position is, not everyone finds true love, simply because they're not prepared to have it or not fully capable to give it. maybe some feel it or experience it in such a fleeting manner that its gone before one realizes what he or she had. at least they experienced it. probably most of us will be lucky to have it within our respective lifetime but i think there are those unfortunate ones who die without even seeing a glimpse of it. they either look for it in the wrong places or they're too focused on the wrong person that they dont realize that all they had to do was turn around and see that true love was behind them all along. some are impatient that they fail to wait for that one person that's perfect for them. some are just plain stubborn or helplessly scared of experiencing something as real as true love. true love is one of life's greatest opportunity and its something that's easy to miss if youre not prepared to catch it. but if life sees you deserve it, life will equip you with what you need in order to recognize it, it would be the only thing you will see because youre ready to see it. my point is, true love is an elusive creature of mythical proportions that it wont simply walk into the door of each and every person, regardless whether they deserve to experience it or not. life reserves true love for everyone to experience but our journey through life will determine if we will be able to access this reserved opporunity.

love is a very personal experience and its not something that can be taught or learned. well, learned in an academic way, like searching the internet for tips and tricks. there's no hard and fast rule when it comes to love. each person experiences it differently, each person acquires it in their own peculiar or fascinating way. yet despite the experience of true love being unique in each and every person, it still doesnt change the fact that it is unique for everyone, thus there's a common denominator to it in order for the love a person has to be considered as true love. in my opinion, its being able to be selfish and selfless at the same time. selfish in a sense you love someone for it makes you happy and satisfied and you find comfort and happiness in knowing that the person you love is happy. selfless in a sense that youre willing to endure the greatest pain just to make the person you love happy or be in the best possible terms that you could do or give. simply put, its a love that is unconditional, like the way a parent's love should be. a love that doesnt break with each heartache. a love that grows strong every time its tested. a love that truly binds but does not smother or strangle its recipients.

but what's keeping me awake on this particular night isnt what i just discussed. its the question whether ive come across it. have i seen this elusive creature? have i felt it? i wish my answer is a definite "yes" or "no". if i were to believe Klaus, that it happens instantaneously, what the fuck does he mean by instantaneously? does he mean love at first sight? or does he mean that you suddenly see that you love this person? its possible that you suddenly find out you have feelings for someone you've known for quite sometime but you just failed to recognize it because your mind is a twisted fuck who refused to acknowledge it when you suddenly felt something for that person. so it doesnt mean it developed over time. well, actually, it sort of does. it also doesnt prevent the possibility that its a "love at first sight" sort of thing especially when it was the first time you saw the person in such light. that mid-afternoon sun is the culprit. sigh. i think im just trying to escape the possibility of "love at first sight" since its really irrational to suddenly like someone so much at the very first instance you saw the person. im not a believer of love at first sight. attraction yes. but love? i dont know. my mind is rejecting such possibility. its like im forcing myself to be confused about it or trying to convince myself that someone better will come along. i mean, it just cant be. there's got to be someone better. its stupid to like someone with so little information. im trying to think about it but i cant. its like reaching a dead end every time i try to analyze it. also, its almost 2am. it means my brain cells are already dead tired and craving sleep. i wish i can sleep now, now that ive unloaded these thoughts.

sing, until your lungs give out

ive been singing a lot lately. i sing in the morning when im getting ready for work. i sing in the evening while im checking my emails and browsing stuff on the internet. i sing during idle moments like sitting on a bench, waiting for something.

this started when i changed my state of mind (mid-september, almost three weeks ago). when i managed to put my positive self on the "driver's seat". so my negative self is just on the back seat, probably sulking. anyway, i think the reason for singing a lot isnt really because of the positive mood. but more of a manifestation of my talkative self. since i have no one to talk to, might as well just sing. instead of feeling frustrated that everyone's busy with their lives and no time to just sit and talk a while, might as well sing. since no one has enough energy to talk to me for hours on a daily basis and since no one has the same free time as i do, might as well sing. so singing is just a way to keep my sanity? actually, im insanely sane for a person of my personality. so its not a matter of keeping my sanity but more of not giving my negative self enough fuel to take back the driver's seat. i have reasons for bringing out this side of me at this moment in time and until i have done what i intend to do, negative self better stay put at the backseat.

this used to be the pensieve format

ive been roaming a lot lately. up and about but not yet bouncing off the walls. like this past week for example

last friday, i had a court hearing in the morning. i thought the pre-trial was going to push through but for the nth time, it didnt because the oppposing party filed a motion, which hasnt reached me because of the incredible pace of registered mail. so naturally, i asked for time to comment on such motion. right after the hearing, i headed to camp karingal to look for a detainee. i thought the camp was located near camp crame and camp aguinaldo. so after asking the police officer who happened to be at the Annapolis MRT station to go somewhere, i learned that the camp was located at Sikatuna and was just 15 minutes away from my law office.

i spent a couple of hours in camp karingal talking to the detainee, then off i went to the Securities and Exchange Commission only to be told its too late for me to check the case file so i just scheduled an appointment. since i was tired and sweaty since ive been to a lot of places already and the day was just about half over, i decided to look for a spa with body massage. checked megamall (the price was too high), shang ri la, greenhills and then back to megamall only to come back to the first spa i went to and found out they have a promo where i can get a much cheaper back massage with a n% discount (cant remember how much). then after the massage, had videoke with a couple of college friends until more or less 2am

the following day, had a lunch meeting with a high school friend. then went to cubao for dinner with my family since it was my father's birthday. then after the dinner, went to UP Ayala Technohub to check out the food there.

the following day, i was planning to watch a movie but since i was still feeling tired with what i did last friday and saturday, i decided to just sleep a bit more only to be told to go to my cousin's new restaurant for its opening. there i ate to my heart's content because most of the food i ate were free (as lawyer's fee for the camp karingal thing).

then monday, after finishing some legal research, im back to the Securities and Exchange Commission. ate some korean food then went to the spa i just went to last friday.

on tuesday, i watched Resident Evil on Imax. alone. because my movie buddy, the girl i used to date, is no longer talking to me. and i really liked this installment of Resident Evil because of Ada Wong. now im interested in buying the Resident Evil PS3 game. i want to see more Ada Wong.

then yesterday, i was at the NCMH for an exam, then went to megamall, then trinoma, then sm north, then back to my bed at home because i was really sleepy because i woke up at 4am.

and now thursday, i was planning to either jog or see a movie. that didnt happen. the rainy weather made me want to just stay at home and enjoy the cold air.

the thing is, with what im currently doing, it really makes me feel that the world is too slow for me. if some people can keep up, then well and good. if not, then...i will try to reach back and pull them with me. my previous attitude was, just leave them behind. now, im just going to drag them along if they can keep up with the ride. i dont know. right now, im not trying to think about things too much. if i notice im starting to give something too much thought, i drop the deep thought and act instead. my gut feel is always correct but it rarely kicks in. im training myself to bring out my gut feel more often. and im digressing

Nooooo!!! why S8E02!? why!?

why kill the character in HIMYM that i really like! damn it!!!!

well, not literally dead. its just, why cant she stay for at least half a season longer? or maybe the character isnt dead yet. maybe she's still going to remain as a "non-romantic partner" member of the cast? unlikely. but im hoping. maybe ive grown attached to the character because she reminds me of someone. maybe its a good thing the character is gone? i dont know. i just really liked her character. i think.

im no longer excited to watch episode 3. sigh.

cyber say what now?

so netizens are protesting the cyber crime law. i dont think we can blame most of the senators who signed it for such blunder (meaning there's a couple or maybe a single senator that can be held accountable for it). i mean, when you review a bill, its not as simple as just reading it (and im going to assume that our legislators involved in it had no ulterior motives in its passage). without going into the behind the scenes part, sometimes you ask the authors why the bill needs to be passed and by the time they read it, some of their minds have been conditioned the same way a salesperson conditions the mind of a buyer. you tend to miss some details, details that the salesperson wants the buyer not to notice. im not trying to protect the lapse made by the senators, im just saying we dont live in an ideal world and its not as simple as most people think. and this is already a very simplified version on how a draft bill is considered and reviewed in an ideally realistic setting.

im against the cyber crime law for the simple reason that it is prone to abuse and gives the unconstitutional license to abridge freedom of expression and free speech (so the law itself isnt as bad as it looks, if the State wont abuse its provisions. but like im going to discuss, its very unlikely that the law wont be abused). i think this is what the senators missed. we dont live in an ideal world. much as they want to "regulate", if not "supress" abusive use of the freedom of expression (like any freedom given by the Constitution, there's a limitation), the law, unfortunately, makes it possible for the "regulator" or the State to abuse the law as well. herein lies my problem with it. as Friedrich Engels said "some laws of state aimed at curbing crime are more criminal". if only there's an assurance that the law wont be abused, the law itself can achieve its ends without trampling on the citizens' constitutionally given freedoms. unfortunately, with the current state of the law, the government cannot give such assurance. sure no law is perfect, but not because no law is perfect means we arent going to strive to make it better. thats why amendments can be made. to make it adapt to the changing socio-political and economic environment. i think what pissed off the netizens is that this law is so imperfect that obvious amendments could have been done before its passage.

in a completely unrelated note, one senator is saying that the provisions on libel is needed because of the abusive conduct of netizens. im sorry but ive been receiving such "abusive conduct" since grade school from my grade school teachers during class, with manifest malicious intent, yet that didnt bother me for the simple reason that im not insecure or gosh darn sensitive. ive been called names, insulted without much provocation and all i did was prove them wrong. i didnt cry about it. i didnt whine about it. i didnt ask anyone to shut them people up. why? because i was mature enough, at the age of 9, to handle criticism, whether baseless or not. you make your own reputation. other people wont be able to tarnish your reputation if you are a well-respected person. people will defend you, will act on your behalf, if you are a person worth protecting. now, if you cant handle people calling you names, you must really think of yourself as someone so high and mighty with a god-complex. you dont demand respect. you earn it.

holy crap! what does it mean!?

im still haunted by the two digit number 59. is it psychological? i dont think so. there came a time (maybe a week or two) that i didnt see or notice the number. but since last week, ive been encountering it frequently. again!

its on my stored value MRT ticket (balance: P59.00). its on the digital clock when i check the time (the time is 9:59). its on my receipt (your change is P20.59). its my order number (your order will be given in 10 minutes sir, here's your queue number: 59). so is it like jim carrey's film the number 23? i better check my fantasy basketball roster and see if i drafted a player with a 59 jersey. maybe he's going to be my lucky player. i cant really see any reason why i keep noticing the number 59. certainly, it cant correspond to number of days or months since there's no starting day or month to peg on. i cant recall when i started to feel i was being haunted by this number. i certainly hope it does not correspond to the age of the woman im going to like. thats just...unimaginable. age of my death? it doesnt make sense to be aware of it now. is it really just meaningless? the universe's way of playing a joke? well, i can see the humor in it. or is it a sign like the little black dress? or is the little black dress a joke too? meh. in any case, im going to shrug it off since its really vague. this is just a note to self