i came, i saw, i won something for my ears

finally! last night, i drank 4.5 bottles of intoxicating liquid. gave up on the fifth bottle of beer because it was already warm. tried finishing it but i just cant. was able to consume only half of it. so 4.5. and i hate it when its all bubbly already. the reason for the consumption and intoxication was because i was at the embassy last night

how i ended up going to embassy is very similar to how i ended up in the eheads concert. it was last minute decision to go.

the party was set to start at 6pm and it was already past 4pm and i was still ticketless. when i finally bought one from kim, i was still unsure until 6pm came. i decided to go because one, i already have a ticket. two, im tired of having boring saturday nights (ive been wondering lately where my weekends went). three, i just felt like going which was weird because i really didnt want to go right from the beginning. ive never been to embassy but ive been to similar establishments. cant say i hate such places but i cant say i enjoy it enough that im willing to make it a habit or spend money to go to such places.

anyway, for the price of P250, i was able to consume 4.5 bottles of beer, hang out with law school blockmates, have a picture with some college blockmates and...(this is the best part)...win sennheiser earphones! oh yeah! haha. i would like to thank UP WINLAW for the earphones. and jason de guzman for telling me to go get them earphones. i had no intention to participate in the surprise contest. jason, who was unfortunately immobilized temporarily, wasnt able to go to the DJs booth to answer the question and claim the prize. so he told me to do it (participate in the contest). and thats how i ended up getting new earphones.

twelfth of november

there's something different tonight. as i walked home, somehow, it felt like there's a strange silence of some sort. its not the usual silence i hear whenever i walk home at night. a strange silence on a wednesday night, at around 10 pm. it felt like dangerous elements are roaming the streets tonight. i dont know. tonight just felt different. its like i wished i was indoors or at least somewhere i felt safe. but at 10 pm? i walk inside UP Campus at 1am and i feel safe. i went home at around 2am and passed by Agham road on a pedicab and i didnt feel worried. tonight just felt different. maybe im just tired. just had a four hour class which ended at 9pm and i have OLA duty tomorrow which starts at 8am. and i have lots of stuff to do tonight.

bookworm fred

I am such a “nerd”. I can’t go to ateneo to get my diploma but I can easily drop by because I have to go to the library and research. And I was really happy with the fact that I can do some research in the library. And when I inquired about the alumni card, my only concern was access to the Rizal library. The guy in the Alumni Association Office was telling me the benefits of the card like discounts and all I cared about was access to the library. I really don’t care whether it has other benefits aside from unlimited access to the library. Well, there’s a deposit needed for borrowing books but its refundable, the fact is, I can borrow books with the card. I need to check what it means to have the membership activated because it’s not really a library card. and how many times will i use the word library in this blog entry and the fact that i have access to it?

 I just felt good walking between shelves and shelves of books. There is the UP Law Library but ive grown accustomed to the way the books are arranged in the Rizal library. I just find it easier to conduct research in there. And it’s better lit. and the air conditioning of the Rizal library is much better. I guess I missed the Rizal library. Wow, of all the possible stuff to miss in ateneo, it’s the library I chose. 

I guess one of my blockmates was right to say i am the bookish type because I look like one and my other blockmate to say I am such a nerd because im always in the library. I mean I just went to ateneo to inquire about the library services I can avail of as an alumnus and to access the OPAC and see how much research material I can get in the library but I ended up browsing the books and actually taking down some notes which prevented me from going to the Marikina RTC as I earlier planned. Who gets pumped up by just going to a nice library? Not me, but almost. 

Its either im a nerd deep inside (I admit Im a geek but a nerd? im not quite sure) or the lack of alcohol is driving me nuts. I mean, I didn’t even take college that seriously back then and I just slept in the library. College for me wasn’t an intellectual pursuit or something like that. Well, I did read the assigned readings for Fr. David’s classes that I wasn’t taking and I went nuts on the books on Marxism, meaning i read a lot of stuff that weren’t required. Crap. Im a nerd in denial.

mostly about edible stuff

I ate in the cafeteria in Ateneo a while ago and I must say, they still have affordable meals. I had a…I cant remember what it was. Wow, it must have been an unmemorable meal. But what I do remember was it was cheap and it was decent. It’s something I could eat every other day or maybe everyday if I was short on cash (which is everyday recently). It cost me P70, well P79 because of the extra rice but that’s already inclusive of an “upsized” drink, more specifically iced tea. In Rodic’s, for P75 I would have 2 servings of rice but that does not include any drink. The cheapest and at the same time easily accessible place to eat (for me) in UP can cost as low as P50 but that doesn’t include any drink. So a meal with a drink plus extra serving of rice in the UP cafeteria im talking about would probably have the same price (P79) but im comparing it with the cafeteria in ateneo. I was expecting that I wont be able to buy a cheap meal in there. Its been four years so I thought the price of the meals have increased or wont be as cheap as the meals in UP. It may not be selling the tastiest meals but its still nice to know there are still those who have affordable and decent meals.

A lot of the stalls were closed a while ago so im not sure if the stall that sells quesadillas is still there. i always ate them quesadillas before the polsci class in faura. and sometimes during class, i step out as if i was going to the restroom but i was actually going to get myself a quick meal. i liked its salsa.  

I noticed this CLAYGO poster in the cafeteria. Its supposed to mean “clean as you go”. I think. And I tried doing that a while ago since that’s what we do in the UP Law Cafeteria and well, there was this guy who I think cleans the tables just told me that I don’t have to do the cleaning up. I guess the claygo thing only applies to meals in disposable containers. That’s still a good thing because it’s considerate to the next user of the table. I don’t remember doing that back in college. I just leave my mess after im done eating. 

I also noticed the vending machine in SEC still has Tofiluk and Safari. I always pick Safari whenever I want something sweet from that particular vending machine (the same way i always want a KitKat when i play billiards which i think was P8 back then, i dont know how much it is now). I also remember that I always picked cherry coke in the Soc Sci vending machine. I didn’t notice if it was still there and I doubt there’s still cherry coke in any of the vending machines inside the campus.  

I didnt get to drop by ISO. i would like to see what they are serving now. back in my freshman year, i think i tried all their sizzling plate meals. and during the latter college years, i always ordered their mongolian dish, with extra rice. and i always saw half of the chinita twins studying there. which reminds me of the chinita lady who asked me a while ago how to go to ateneo while i was waiting for a jeepney near romulo hall in UP. i just came from ateneo during that time and in all my years in UP, it was the first time someone asked me for directions on how to go to ateneo. and i think she's the second most attractive female stranger driver who asked me for directions. the most attractive was the dead ringer for bianca gonzales who also sounds like bianca gonzales asking for directions on how to go to the fine arts building. the only reason i think she was not bianca gonzales was because her cheeks werent as smooth. 

big, bad and blue...can be a description of a man's balls

The fact that Ateneo is very much alive in me doesn’t necessarily follow I am an Atenean. I still consider myself as a recipient of an Ateneo education or someone who went to that university in Katipunan with a Blue Eagle gym. That’s why I say I am not an Atenean. 

Being an Atenean, for me, is different. It’s more than just having a college degree from Ateneo. It’s more than being a man for others. It’s more than applying what the institution has taught. And it’s much more than being an avid supporter of its basketball team. To be an Atenean is to actually live a life that will make the institution proud to have educated such a person. That’s what being an Atenean is. The same goes for other universities. To call oneself as an alumnus or an alumna of a university, it’s not sufficient to be a recipient of a diploma from the university. It’s living the life the way the university shapes its students/graduates. Each university has a different approach, a different focus, a different way of shaping its students/graduates. Until they live the life that is in accord with the university’s purpose, the university’s reason to exist as an educational institution, I think they are merely recipients of the university’s educational style. In my case, I’m only an Atenean in paper due to the diploma I got a while ago. I don’t think im living a life that would entitle me to call myself as an Atenean. So, how should one live to be able to call one’s self an Atenean? Well, figure out first what those four years meant, what the university is shaping its students for and what they are supposed to do as members of society equipped with such an education. what i just wrote is bullshit that makes sense. 

Also, there’s another image of an Atenean. The not so good one. That also a reason why I don’t want to call myself an Atenean. That image is something that I openly attacked during high school and I was really pissed that I ended up in a school that produces such people. So I guess there are two types of Ateneans and im neither. 

something blue

Just went to Ateneo a while ago (if you’re an atenean and want to correct me that it should be “the ateneo”, I will say, “No i will not refer to it as “the ateneo”. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. Im sorry but I just hate it. i dont know why there should be a "the". i do believe there is such a thing as school pride but calling ateneo as the ateneo really sounds stupid to me”). I went there to go to the Rizal library and do some research. I haven’t been there for years. I went back there after I graduated in 2004 but I don’t recall my most recent visit to the campus that I will forever call my college (well, until I give it a reason to disown me as its alumnus). One thing I learned a while ago is that I don’t miss the place. I don’t miss the school. Well, its physical aspect at least. Maybe not as much as most people would after four years from graduation. Eight semesters must mean something right? But I didn’t feel any nostalgic stuff while walking inside the campus. It’s because it felt like I didn’t even leave the place. It felt like I was there last week or maybe the other day. Not much has changed. There might be new buildings and a lot more benches (the place just screams the campus can never have too much benches) but the campus still looks and feels substantially the same, including the Ateneans that were in it. How can I miss a place that I feel that I never even left? 

Why do I feel like that? I guess Ateneo for me is like a beautiful lady that I am not afraid to lose. Why beautiful lady? Well, because it appears to me that everybody wants to be in Ateneo like every guy wants to be with a beautiful lady (or at least it’s the norm). Everyone who gets to be in Ateneo is proud to be in Ateneo, the same way that a guy with a beautiful lady is proud to be with a beautiful lady (Not sure if women think the same way, like they all want a handsome guy and proud to be with one). Anyway, after being with her for four years, I can push that beautiful lady away as much as I can, say the harshest things about that lady and not care what happens next because of my actions and words. And if I happen to lose that lady, I won’t care, I will move on and things will be fine. I don’t mind not having her for the rest of my life because it does not matter to me at all. Treat her as if she was a mistake that I’m happy to be done with. But deep inside I know as a fact that despite losing her, she has changed me forever and that no matter how far I push her, it’s undeniable that she will forever be a part of me. It won’t change the fact that she played an important part of my life because in those four years, she shaped me to be who I am now. I’m not being ungrateful by pushing her away because I do appreciate what she has done for me. It just so happens that things change and there will be stuff that can’t be kept. Like her. So I won’t mind losing her. So we go our separate ways and not see each other nor talk to each other. But even if that’s the case, despite the distance, physical and emotional, the bond that has been formed between us would remain. Due to this bond, it feels like she never left me, giving me no reason to miss her. It’s like she’s always there. And the bond will not disappear because it has made a deep mark in my life. 

So that’s how I see my college. I could openly rebuke the university that educated me and it won’t matter because the fact that I’m its graduate won’t make me less of an alumnus. I could move further away from it since there’s no point staying in the university because going back will never be the same. The good things about it are no longer there, like my blockmates and the memories I have with them. And since they’re no longer there, what’s left is just the physical part of the campus which is loveable but I love it less compared to the memories I have of it with my blockmates in it. No matter how long I stay away from such a glorious educational institution, I will always be contained in its records that i became part of it and its history, the same way that i will consider it as a part of me because its my one and only college. And being a part of me, I will not grow to miss it since it will always be with me. I always remember it whenever I criticize it, when I talk to other Ateneans, when I read about it in the papers or hear about its Ateneans in the news. How can I miss something that is very much alive in me almost every day? And I didn’t even realize that it’s very much alive in me until I walked inside the campus a while ago. Maybe a major overhaul of the landscape of the campus would change how I feel about it. That would make me feel that I have been gone for so long I can’t recognize it anymore and truly point out to me that I did leave.

mostly uneventful

just had a bad day. not august type of bad so it could have been worse but still a bad day.
 
the day started well. had a hearing and things seem to have went well. 

After the hearing i dropped by OLA, then I had lunch. In all the years ive been to Kha’s restaurant, 75% of the time, I ask for their lamb chops and 100% of the time they say its not available…until today. Even if I was expecting them to say its not available, I still asked and I was happy to be proven wrong. So I ordered lamb chops. Bad thing about it was that it wasn’t that good. Maybe I was expecting more or I was comparing it to the wrong restaurant (Circles. Now that I think about it, why would I compare Circles’ lamb chops to Kha’s’?). That’s one of the bad things that happened today, a disappointing meal. For P175 i would rather buy a Yoshi’s burger in Tokyo Café. Yoshi’s burger is the best burger ive had for the price of P165 and I like it more than a Double Whammy with Cheese of Wham Burgers which costs much more. But then again, maybe I should try Yoshi’s Burger when I no longer have a cold. Maybe my sense of taste is misleading me when i tried it. But I doubt it. If I could taste how good the burger is even if I have a cold, it only means its much better than what I think.
 
Anyway, the other bad thing that happened is that my bag strap was torn off when I was boarding a jeepney. Stupid jeep didn’t make a full stop so when I boarded, the momentum of my entry made my bag hit the ceiling of the jeepney and in the process tearing off the strap and making a hole from where the strap should be attached and giving my bag a forceful drop on the asphalt. Good thing my cellphones weren’t inside it. What made it bad was I was heading home and I just had a very tiring day doing the “ninja report” and organizing case files. What a way to end the day. Well, the day has not really ended but im heading there. 

My bad day isn’t really that bad. Well I would not want to call it the highlights of my day.

too serious to function

ive been studying for two weeks...straight! well, except for that one day where i did some OLA work and the latter half of saturday where i just slept in the library but the rest of the time was spent studying. and ive taken it too seriously that it took its toll a while ago when i woke up. i was a nervous wreck and my head was really a mess but i wanted to study. unfortunately i cant. my mind was just too messed up to function. and now, im forcing myself to procrastinate. because ive become too serious i refuse to take a break. sure i rest from time to time but im still to focused on studying that the needed distraction isnt really there. two days ago, i studied for hours despite the fact that i was already filling dizzy. so i endured the woozy feeling and just kept reading. its like being a man on a mission and i cant stop unless ive accomplished what needs to be done. now that im too focused, im trying to distract myself.

one step closer to the edge

im an extremist. last friday, had 2 finals exams, scheduled consecutively. so it was a 1pm to 8pm exam (had skyflakes and ice coffee in between exams to keep me going). i managed to do it even if i had a sleepless night. thats the strange part, i had a sleepless night for no reason at all. just plain insomnia...and wrong timing (so i was lying in bed for for almost 6 hours staring at the ceiling, watching HIMYM from time to time since i wasnt feeling sleepy at all and a couple of attempts to study but to no avail since i was too tired). its like my bio-clock suddenly malfunctioned. maybe im really not fit for the intense studying shit. but i cant go back to being a crammer because that wont work in the bar.

and this coming monday, aside from one final exam, i have a hearing in antipolo in the morning. and again, i want to prove to myself that it can be done. the stuff im experiencing right now is really nothing compared to what reality and life has to offer in the next few years.

HIMYM

We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, even from our closest friends, that those rare times when we do open up, it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up being. - future Ted Mosby

if youre ignorant, teach yourself.

we should never stop learning in life. if we dont know something, we should exert an effort to learn, as much as possible, on one's own. have the independence to think without reliance on external help. dependence stunts growth and self-development. or slows down progress at the very least. only kids should be taught or assisted in their self-development/self-improvement. an exception is when one is seeking higher education or mastery of a skill, then assistance is something that probably cant be dispensed with but independence of thought and reliance on one's self remains to be essential.

the problem with some people is that they are afraid to commit mistakes. they are afraid to fail. everybody commits mistakes. its acceptable as long as one does not overdo it. im a self-proclaimed self-taught thinker. i didnt believe what my highschool teachers taught me and i didnt rely on my college professors for answers (most of the time because they werent exactly useless).

i always exert an effort to enrich my knowledge on a wide range of topics. when i took up law, my primary reason was that i find the field interesting and i want to learn it. thats no longer my primary reason for continuing the hell i placed myself in but learning about it remains to be a reason.

unfortunately, there are some people who dont know the value of learning or the importance of increasing one's knowledge, be it a specific field or knowledge in general. they depend on other people for answers, for solutions. they dont think for themselves and instead use their brains for useless stuff. stuff that will never contribute a thing to the development of man or our society. well, it can contribute in a sense its something that should be avoided. i dont pity these people. i despise them but i dont blame them for their sorry state. i think all they need is therapy because there has to be something wrong with a person's state of mind if he or she has no interest in self-development or self-improvement (or not exerting any effort to pursue it). i think self-improvement and self-development is an essential part of being human. to not do anything to improve one self reduces a person into a mere mechanical being with a central processing unit that depends on external input to function. a computer is much more valuable than a person with no sense of self-improvement or development or a person with no interest in increasing one's knowledge (an exception would be that if that mechanical being has an exterior of a extremely hot and attractive female then that person has an "aesthetic value". a computer is still more useful but that person isnt exactly useless compared to other unthinking people).

why cant we close our ears the way we can close our eyes?

our world seems to be ignorant of the value of silence. i remember that i was happy to hear that there was such a thing called "noise pollution". we live in a noisy world filled with noisy people composed of noisy individuals owning and/or operating and/or using noisy products and inanimate objects. the everyday noise stresses me out to the point that i even avoid conversations just to minimize the noise im bombarded with everyday. sometimes i wish to hear the deafening sound of silence, which happens very rarely. i dont even hear it at night. in this world that never stops buzzing, all i want is half an hour of dead silence. at least. but i dont want to go deaf of course. even the library isnt as quiet as it should be.

the best things in life are illegal

but we need the law to establish some form of order. so we just have to be creative and find ways to beat the boredom without going against the law. or we can play cat and mouse and see if the supposed law enforcers can catch you.

but everyone breaks the law, even the president of the southeast asian country composed of 7000 plus islands. its just a question of what laws were broken or the gravity of the offense. and how many were hurt or affected. its like looking at how much one gains for breaking the law at the expense of those violated. thats why its illegal in the first place. it disrupts the social order and causes damage to another. it offends the senses or morals or whatever society wants to be upheld.

and why am i so serious this morning? or afternoon since its already noon. actually i wanted to write about the best things to do to beat the boredom thats illegal and then i asked myself, "is that a good idea? why put incriminating stuff in writing?" so i answered myself back, well, its not like the illegal stuff ive done is as serious as the laws broken by the high officials of the land. then i replied, "well, its illegal nonetheless and dura lex sed lex applies." dura lex sed lex. always reminds me of the condom brand. to wear rubber can be harsh but its better than knocking someone up or worse, getting infected. and im digressing. point is, im bored and my idea of having fun is at least getting piss drunk.

theres an I in my TEAM

ive never really been a team player. ive been part of a team and usually, i can co-exist and cooperate but not operate and coordinate. i have the tendency to do things alone. sometimes because i think things can be done more effectively and efficiently when done alone. or i underestimate my teammates and i assume they wont be able to do what i expect them to do so i do it myself without even bothering of asking them to do it first as a team. even if things can be done better through a team, if i do it alone, at least im the only one to blame for it and i can handle the blame. so my rule is always do it first alone then team effort comes second if the first one fails. thats why i dont panic easily in group works because if i can do it alone, i wont worry if the team isnt doing well (or not doing anything at all, which rarely happens) because i would be able to manage it on my own. thats where my idea of being the back-up or reserve person probably came from. if all things fail, im there to do something. i may not do it as well as a team can but i think i can provide the minimum requirements to do whatever needs to be done.

i just have to be that masochistic member who intentionally burdens himself of unnecessary baggage. well, its a learning experience and i gain a lot from doing teamwork alone. unfortunately, it also increases arrogance and raises my expectations of others because if i can do it alone, theres no reason why others cant. but that reasoning is flawed. and its not because people arent created equal. its because people are not similarly situated. its like an experiment thats difficult to duplicate due to various intervening factors that cant be easily controlled or removed. and theres also the luck factor.

since im not a team player, the only way i can function well in a team is with a good leader who knows where and when to put me exactly. im not a good leader either because i have the tendency to be a dictator (and i have to remind myself that we're in a democracy and dictatorship is bad even if i will share the work because people in a democracy dont like being told to follow strict and rigid rules with no questions asked and no room for dissent) and have high standards because i expect people to do what i expect they are capable of doing. of course capability does not mean willingness and availability (which i think is a common problem for any team especially those of temporary nature or of a short duration). so i also end up doing things alone so i wont be frustrated.

just another one of those things i need to fix about myself. maybe this is why i wanted to be scientist when i was a kid. scientist have this image of doing stuff alone. stuck in some laboratory or engaged in experiments. scientists collaborate but i think collaboration is a level lower than teamwork. in collaboration, its just joint effort or to work together but teamwork is organized effort or to function as one. im not even convinced with what i said. anyway, point is, i will be part of a team from time to time and i have to learn how to be part of it

promises are hard to keep...sometimes. is that why the word promissory sounds apologetic?

respect is something that is earned. you dont demand it. and i certainly dont give it that easily. and its harder it earn it once it is lost.

i have lots of reasons for not giving respect to a person. one reason is if a person does not know how to commit or constantly breaks promises to the point of being inconsiderate. i dont give respect to those kind of people.

i exert a lot of effort not to break promises or stick to what ive committed to (thats why i dont easily commit to something until im really sure that i can fulfill it). thats why i easily get pissed with people who cant keep promises or live up to the expectations they themselves created or initiated. its like a lawyer who keeps scheduling meetings and appointments with clients and changing the plans in the last minute. clients, usually, try their best to accomodate their lawyers, to adjust their schedules for them. and its just inconsiderate for a lawyer to constantly change what has been agreed upon because it disrupts not only the schedule of his or her client, but possibly his or her life.

the same goes for ordinary personal relationships. one shouldnt just throw statements saying that he or she means it but in reality, its merely words to him or her. meaningless words. and to have those words said to me, is really a waste of my time and thats why i dont respect people who do that. and demanding respect will certainly make it more impossible for me to give it. it just means he or she is really not worth having around because i dont have time for people who waste my time and clueless that they are wasting my time. thats why im more of an "action speak louder than words" type of person. i give more attention and importance to what the person is doing (or have done) than what the person is saying (or said). so a person can say all he or she wants, argue all day long and explain himself or herself to me and it will not mean anything if his or her actions show otherwise. actions persuade me, not words. but im a listener and thats why im still affected by promises or statements of similar nature that i know will not be kept and i hate to hear such useless words. just to listen to meaningless words is already a waste of brain cells. 

im in serious mode and im sucking the fun out of life

i hate compliments. i think its for kids. its something you say to encourage kids or give them an incentive to do it again or improve themselves. if one appreciates something ive done, a simple "thank you" is enough. i dont want to hear anything more. compliments annoy me. i dont know why. sometimes i feel im being made fun of when someone gives a compliment to me (maybe its paranoia for me to think a compliment is being said in a sarcastic manner. sarcasm is a distinct human trait and its really a peculiar human creation). most of the time i dont think a compliment is due to me. thats why i hate it. and thats why i think the person is being sarcastic.

sure its nice to hear a compliment but i prefer to hear it on times which i think really matters. like, i did something really big or legendary (Barney Stinson just makes the word sound interesting). to have a compliment thrown around so easily makes the person giving it appear insincere to me. its like engaging in small talk, i hate it and its a waste of time for me. id rather have the person shut up and not say anything than be told compliments which sound like big fat lies. or even if its true, to hear it after doing something insignificant, the compliment has really no value. now i understand why some people reply "its nothing really" because its really nothing and not worthy of compliments. criticism is much more useful. so a "thank you" or something as simple would suffice. 

Breakfast at Tiffany's on a wonderful rainy night

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself....Here. I've been carrying this thing around for months. I don't want it anymore." - Paul "Fred" Varjak

chemistry makes it look good

why do some people assume that if two people have good chemistry they are a good match? i think it doesnt necessarily follow and its a hit and miss thing if turned into a serious romantic relationship. and when i say chemistry, i mean the external type (rapport and not mutual attraction). and when i say external type, i mean the ones perceived by third persons. and i dont know if its appropriate to call it external chemistry (and internal chemistry). maybe theres a better term but im going to stick to my terms anyway since this is not some serious stuff.

chemistry is pretty much (yes, i used pretty much), just chemistry. it can exist without intimacy or affection. its like watching a good sitcom or tv show hosts or listening to radio DJs. they can have good chemistry or an incredibly smooth and entertaining partnership. they can make themselves appear as one cohesive unit but the moment the show ends, so does the relationship. they go their separate ways until they meet again for the show. they really dont care about each other's lives or at least each other's affairs. they dont even have to be friends in real life. they can be enemies yet they can still put on a good show (if they are professional enough not to allow personal feelings affect their work)

in real life its not an act but something similar. sometimes the chemistry is what appears to those who see it, those who watch it. the good chemistry is how other people perceive it. but how do the individuals who have good chemistry perceive each other? do they think the same way as other people do? does he or she see the other as having a good chemistry with him or her to the point that he or she might think theres more than chemistry? or is it simply good chemistry? chemistry can lead to attraction but it doesnt necessarily follow. or it doesnt have to follow. one can have a good and meaningful relationship with someone even without the external chemistry. because i think chemistry as most people understand it is something that is perceived by the senses of third persons (rapport) and not something that is felt between the interested parties (mutual attraction or internal chemistry). so its possible that a couple may not appear to have a good chemistry as other people see it, like they cant even finish each other's sentences or interact without looking like strangers to each other (rapport) but to the two of them theres some unspoken bond that cant be expressed but only felt which of course cant be sensed by third persons but by only interested parties (mutual attraction).

so whats my point? actually i started with only the external chemistry in mind. while writing the entry, i realized that theres such a thing as internal chemistry. and since im more than halfway done, i just tried to cover the "holes" in what i was writing because im too lazy to re-write the entry. my point is simply the answer to the first sentence. chemistry, as understood to be the one that third persons perceive, is not attraction and its not good to assume that its indicative of a possibly good or successful romantic relationship because it would still boil down on how the two people perceive each other and not how they are perceived by third persons. chemistry makes it look good but not because it looks good means it also feels good. 

and then there was none

10-12 years ago, the four of "us" were composed of 3 college students and a highschool student (and eventually 3 UP students and an Atenean). we were much like friends only that we were, or we are, related (cousins by birth). its the age group that really brought us together and of course the residential set-up (because as i recently explained to one them, we have different "crowds" and most likely we wont end up hanging out together if we werent related). things were ok back then. life appeared to be good. we seemed happy with each others company. well, to a certain extent.

one of us was a brilliant and deep thinker that gives sense, relevance and meaning to the stuff around us and she also has an intellectual sense of humor. the other one was loud and annoying yet she brings life to conversations and despite the irritating stuff she does, the kind of company she brings eventually grows on you. the third member was the innocent (or maybe naive) and incorruptible one. a man of strong moral fibre, honest and thoughtful. as for me, ive always been the disagreeable and arrogant one. i was the rational, reliable and pessimistic know-it-all wannabe. well, they were college students and i was only in highschool. i wanted to be seen as an equal. anyway, it kind of worked out between them and me (because im the "apparent" black sheep). i dont know how the four of us got along. we disagreed and argued from time to time but somehow we usually patch things up in the end (and they bribe me with food i like whenever i get pissed so i will forgive them even if they know its my fault because they probably knew i will never apologize even if i admit its my fault. i was an immature hot-head and they were mature enough to understand that im rational yet unreasonable childish prick).

then one by one we "graduated" and our lives changed. one of us got married. the other one started working. the other one remained in college. and i graduated from college and then went to law school. the older we got, the distance between the four of us increased. its something i knew will happen. i knew it since highschool since i was exposed to this kind of change at an early age. relationships that last a lifetime is something that you have to expressly commit to and you cant do it alone.

for a good relationship to work or last, chemistry alone is insufficient (even chemistry fades). the ones in the relationship should exert an effort to make it work. it cant be done by one person alone. its a burden that should be shared by all who wants to stay in the relationship. well, for the four us, only one wanted to keep the relationship alive. the rest of us just wanted to move on. our lives have changed. not necessarily for the better but its still undeniable that things have changed. for all of us. and keeping the relationship wasnt that appealing to some of us since we werent really brought together out of similar interest or something like that. it just happens that we were young (meaning we werent saddled with the problems of reality and adult life), we didnt want to get bored, we wanted some company and we can tolerate each other's differences. so right from the beginning, it was either we grow together or we grow apart. the former lasted for years before the latter started to kick in.

even if i try to help revive the old life we had (so there would be two of us trying to make the old relationship work), it wont be as good as it was. for the simple reason that the rest of us doesnt want it as much. the fact that we eventually let go is a sign that we had a good run but some good things just have to end. its hard to accept sometimes but some things are just bound to happen and it all boils down on how one deals with it.

so what's up with us now? one of us, happily married, is in the US. just left last month. the other one is working and in a relationship. the other one is at home. just simply at home and still in college. and im a struggling 4th year law student. i said to my cousin that the next time we hang out together, it wont be a bonding session. its a reunion. and a reunion most of the time is temporary in nature. i dont think it can get any better than that.

is it a pang?

i thought i was immune to regret. well, i was. not anymore. somehow regret figured a way how to get to me.

regret made me realize, just now, that ive been quick to judge people. well, a person.

its not the same feeling i had when i was eating at mcdonalds a few weeks ago. this one is much worse. this time, the feeling is like seeing her right in front of me after being hit by a brick in the face and she's just staring at me with a look as if saying i had my chance and i blew it and i acted like its not an opportunity worth taking.

well, its a loss i thought i could easily accept. and regret just made me realize that my life has been partly about me making decisions which i think is risky when in fact its not because i know or i feel that im the one at the losing end. so before i even take the risk, im already convincing myself i can afford to lose. its not a risk when i know the likely outcome and im also ok with the fact that i will lose. what i was doing was not betting to win but hoping to be surprised, for the unexpected to happen. well, life was never nice enough to let me have the unexpected im expecting. its like ive always been betting on the improbable, hoping for the improbable to happen. thats the reason why i lost recently on a P100 bet i made a few days ago. it was possible but not very probable. its like im aiming for a big win (i gained something and i also proved that the improbable can happen). and i thought i was risk averse because i always weigh and study stuff like options or decisions. or so i think. so what else will i allow myself to lose?