theres an I in my TEAM

ive never really been a team player. ive been part of a team and usually, i can co-exist and cooperate but not operate and coordinate. i have the tendency to do things alone. sometimes because i think things can be done more effectively and efficiently when done alone. or i underestimate my teammates and i assume they wont be able to do what i expect them to do so i do it myself without even bothering of asking them to do it first as a team. even if things can be done better through a team, if i do it alone, at least im the only one to blame for it and i can handle the blame. so my rule is always do it first alone then team effort comes second if the first one fails. thats why i dont panic easily in group works because if i can do it alone, i wont worry if the team isnt doing well (or not doing anything at all, which rarely happens) because i would be able to manage it on my own. thats where my idea of being the back-up or reserve person probably came from. if all things fail, im there to do something. i may not do it as well as a team can but i think i can provide the minimum requirements to do whatever needs to be done.

i just have to be that masochistic member who intentionally burdens himself of unnecessary baggage. well, its a learning experience and i gain a lot from doing teamwork alone. unfortunately, it also increases arrogance and raises my expectations of others because if i can do it alone, theres no reason why others cant. but that reasoning is flawed. and its not because people arent created equal. its because people are not similarly situated. its like an experiment thats difficult to duplicate due to various intervening factors that cant be easily controlled or removed. and theres also the luck factor.

since im not a team player, the only way i can function well in a team is with a good leader who knows where and when to put me exactly. im not a good leader either because i have the tendency to be a dictator (and i have to remind myself that we're in a democracy and dictatorship is bad even if i will share the work because people in a democracy dont like being told to follow strict and rigid rules with no questions asked and no room for dissent) and have high standards because i expect people to do what i expect they are capable of doing. of course capability does not mean willingness and availability (which i think is a common problem for any team especially those of temporary nature or of a short duration). so i also end up doing things alone so i wont be frustrated.

just another one of those things i need to fix about myself. maybe this is why i wanted to be scientist when i was a kid. scientist have this image of doing stuff alone. stuck in some laboratory or engaged in experiments. scientists collaborate but i think collaboration is a level lower than teamwork. in collaboration, its just joint effort or to work together but teamwork is organized effort or to function as one. im not even convinced with what i said. anyway, point is, i will be part of a team from time to time and i have to learn how to be part of it