went to church this morning. now i havent been to church in about 10 years (and one time i had to pull my little sister's ears? but im not really violent and it shows, i go for flower power as the stupid song goes. sometimes i tell a lie...). ok, more accurately, i havent been going to church on a regular basis for about 10 years. i think i havent attended mass for more than 20 times in a span of 10 years. and thats including the baccalaureate mass when i graduated back in 2004, the mass i attended with college blockmates (which i remember was a mass that said it was the start of the advent season) and the mass i attended in the UP chapel just because i felt like attending one. im not even sure if i attended mass more than 15 times since 1998.
before 1998, i attended mass every sunday. what happened? i just learned to think on a more analytical level. sometimes, thats enough to destroy one's faith (i should have a customized button that says "i was born intelligent but philosophy changed me"). back then i started to question whats with this God entity anyway and the whole religion crap. even if God exists, its not like He is actively participating in our human affairs. in the mortal world, only man matters. the mortal world is our playground and this is our realm, not Gods, even if He created it. in effect, i never really denied God's existence. i just refused to ask for help, guidance or assistance. i refused to acknowledge that i need Him despite the fact that i respect Him as God by acknowledging that He exists and that He is the Almighty. other than that, i wont do anything else, like worship Him.
back then, i was thinking that i was born in this world and im going to get by in this world on my own. im not going to pray and ask for anything. thats one reason why i stopped going to church. i felt that people go to church to ask for help. they keep going to God to give them what they think they need or what they want. i found that repulsive. if they want or need help, they should help themselves or ask for help from another person. then i started thinking if this is the idea of religion then i want none of it. it breeds dependence and worthlessness. it makes man weak yet religion makes them think he is strong. thats why it made sense to me when Marx said that religion is the opiate of the people. religion destroys or weakens the idea of self-improvement by mere reliance on divine help. that having faith can overcome any of man's problems. but how can that be when it doesnt empower man? religion doesnt really empower people, it just asks them to endure and continue to have faith.
i was imagining that all the people i see in church, praying, kneeling and worshipping, were all asking for help and not one of them would be thanking God for anything, even the simple breeze that comforts them while they sit on their pews. i thought that humans have the tendency to remember God only when they are in an unfortunate situation and forget God during good times. well, i was a highschool student. i was arrogant (well i still am) and quick to jump into conclusions when i think that my arguments are sound and logical. so its not really the church at first that made me stop attending mass. its the people who attend mass. they always have this sad look on their faces. or they look obligated. i dont think i saw someone who goes to church to say thank you or just attend mass to truly worship God without expecting anything in return. but then again, i was relying on mere observation and i only see the people from the outside. i have no idea what they were thinking. so i might be mistaken to make the assumption.
then i started thinking about the church itself, the catholic church. i didnt like the way it was being run. i said to myself back then, the way things were going, the church wasnt really reaching the catholics or making a "holy" impact compared to the days when the catholic church was a very powerful entity that commands respect. i see churches that are vandalized and dirty. some churches have signs warning against littering and even the presence of criminals within the church grounds. i felt that the church should have a more imposing presence. it should create a sense of discipline among its followers. i wanted the church to restore its former glory. thats when i started theorizing that the church should be more politicized. i dont want the church putting up signs against littering and the presence of criminal elements. if people can do this to the church, it only means, for me, that they dont see it as a holy ground or at least a place that should be respected. i felt that the church has been too nice and lenient.
at first, life without God was ok. i felt i was efficient, effective and "fully functional" as a human being. i saw myself as a man of science ever since i was in grade school and at that time, i felt that science and philosophy are the only things that should be considered to improve one's self. years later, i realized that a life without God is a very mechanical existence. life seems to have no purpose at all. its just like i was just fulfilling a biological process. evolution really doest mean anything but survival of the fittest. but whats the purpose of surviving? thats when i realized that God and religion gives meaning to a person' s life. it gives people a reason to live, to survive. God breathes life into man's mechanical existence. thats when i conceded that i needed God in my life. but being the arrogant person that i am, prone to the sin of pride, i had to figure out a way to restore my faith. i mean, i had to do some rationalization and reasoning why i had to restore my faith. i had to convince myself why im reverting. it took years actually to get to where i am now. i started with stopping rejecting God in my life. then eventually (which took years), i had to bring back the worship part since having faith in God is not enough because although i acknowledged i needed help, i didnt really pray to God. then i obligated to make it a habit to go to chapel every week. then eventually i obligated myself to pray every night (i completed one full year, almost. i missed 2 nights because i forgot to pray because i was drunk or i didnt sleep at all). thats the farthest i have achieved until now. now, because of parent's insistence, im thinking of making it a habit to go to church and attend mass again on a regular basis. not sure if i can accomplish this. i still have problems with the church. the mass i attended earlier sounded like the priest was an advocate of augustine's teachings. im more of the aquinas follower. the good thing about augustine's teachings is that it can be used for building a christian army. well, maybe i dont remember my theology that well, but thats my impression back then. the orientation of augustine's teachings can be used to make soldiers out of christians if one teaches it in a certain manner and direct it to certain followers. anyway, im digressing yet again. point is, im thinking of taking the worship part on another level. i guess i wont be spending my sunday mornings sleeping until 10am.
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