im tired of being right. well, i mean of being able to see things ahead. and not being proven wrong.
a few weeks ago, maybe a month or two, i noticed someone whom i dont know personally but i felt that she is someone i should take note of. why? because i knew it was only a matter of time before i come across this person. well, i was right. whats the significance? not clear. maybe it has no significance at all. it just so happens that i knew weeks ahead that i will encounter this person in the future. and im wondering if she is as aware as i am of such probable encounter.
another example is as early as 2005, i knew that im going to face the problem that im having right now. it was somewhat obvious to me then that this problem will arise but other people didnt see it. so i listened to them instead just to see whether i was wrong. well, they were wrong.
of course, im not right 100% of the time but usually i get to "see" whats about to happen, where things are heading. and that worries me sometimes. because the things im seeing arent really things to look forward to. thats why im not really that excited about each day. it brings me closer to days i hope i wont live long enough to see. i guess im just not done paying for the sins ive committed so i have to live and endure those days im afraid to have.
right now, i really hope im wrong that there's something wrong with my eyesight.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
im having second thoughts but my answer is still NO!
is there such a thing as fate? or destiny? i think there is. but i also think its not completely inevitable. we have free will after all. it just so happens that refusal to comply with what fate or destiny has in mind is like refusing to fulfill one's purpose. for me it makes sense because whats the point of each one's existence if it has no purpose. and in order to have a purpose, there must be some grand design that has been set. without it, whats the point of each one's purpose?
i know there has been some kind of lecture about this in one of my college classes. i just cant recall whether it was in one of those theology classes or philosophy classes. so i dont know whether im getting it right or not.
anyway, the reason why im thinking about it is because yesterday i was reminded of how much people still have faith in me (no matter how many times ive purposely discredited myself) which made me think whether its really my fate to do things that people believe i can do. or should do. or must become. that what i want to be or what i want to have will never matter. that even if i try to take another path, i will be forced back to become what i need to be. to come crashing back to where im supposed to be. just to fulfill a purpose.
i just want a simple and short life. but unfortunately, its hard to have that when im an immensely complicated person who might live a life longer than i expected. ive tried twice to be seriously ill to shorten my life span (which i used to call back in 2006 as a loophole to the definition of suicide). but well, im not as seriously ill as i want to be. im just in pain. ive had a bunch of close calls but a close call really isnt enough to be a one way ticket out of here.
there are no accidents and everything happens for a reason. i believe in these two statements. but not because i believe means i also live a life in accordance with it. how can i get that simple life if i keep making things complicated? i just dont know how long i can stay stubborn with the kind of pressure life is exerting lately.
i know there has been some kind of lecture about this in one of my college classes. i just cant recall whether it was in one of those theology classes or philosophy classes. so i dont know whether im getting it right or not.
anyway, the reason why im thinking about it is because yesterday i was reminded of how much people still have faith in me (no matter how many times ive purposely discredited myself) which made me think whether its really my fate to do things that people believe i can do. or should do. or must become. that what i want to be or what i want to have will never matter. that even if i try to take another path, i will be forced back to become what i need to be. to come crashing back to where im supposed to be. just to fulfill a purpose.
i just want a simple and short life. but unfortunately, its hard to have that when im an immensely complicated person who might live a life longer than i expected. ive tried twice to be seriously ill to shorten my life span (which i used to call back in 2006 as a loophole to the definition of suicide). but well, im not as seriously ill as i want to be. im just in pain. ive had a bunch of close calls but a close call really isnt enough to be a one way ticket out of here.
there are no accidents and everything happens for a reason. i believe in these two statements. but not because i believe means i also live a life in accordance with it. how can i get that simple life if i keep making things complicated? i just dont know how long i can stay stubborn with the kind of pressure life is exerting lately.
september brought the rain
yesterday, it rained all day. and yesterday i thought it was one of the most beautiful rainy days ive had. i just thought so. an entire day of rain. i simply liked it. i wanted to go out but i really had no intention of going anywhere but just enjoy the rain. i really thought that yesterday was one of the most beautiful rainy days ive had. that was what i thought yesterday. i had no idea how bad it was for other residents of metro manila.
would i say that what happened yesterday was tragic? not really. i think what happened yesterday was something i would call...fair. that "imperial manila" must have its fair share of natural disasters. people in metro manila do not feel the kind of impact natural disasters bring when they hit other parts of the country. metro manila is much more "equipped" to address natural disasters.
people here have very convenient lives. and what happened yesterday was more of an inconvenience than a metro wide tragedy. sure, lives were lost and thousands have been displaced but after a few weeks, people will move on and revert back to their lives as if yesterday did not happen. only a few will learn some kind of lesson from this experience. those who will learn are those who will call yesterday a tragedy. and i believe that it is a tragedy..for them. but for most people in metro manila, i think yesterday was a mere inconvenience. a memory that will be used as a story for some social gathering rather than a deep personal experience where a lesson should be derived from. what lesson can be derived from yesterday? i dont know. im only one of the hundreds who merely experienced an inconvenience (hours of power outage and thinking how i can do some work during the weekend with a laptop with a battery that lasts for only 15 minutes).
but then again, im just someone who has high standards. that a tragedy should be something not even an opportunists can easily take advantage of (after watching the news, i thought the heavens might be favoring a presidential candidate by giving him this opportunity). or something that will truly break one's spirit. and once broken, either that spirit stays broken or forces itself to rise and fight back. a tragedy for me is something that will force change, for the better or for the worse. if no change will be induced, i think that tragedy is a tragedy in itself.
would i say that what happened yesterday was tragic? not really. i think what happened yesterday was something i would call...fair. that "imperial manila" must have its fair share of natural disasters. people in metro manila do not feel the kind of impact natural disasters bring when they hit other parts of the country. metro manila is much more "equipped" to address natural disasters.
people here have very convenient lives. and what happened yesterday was more of an inconvenience than a metro wide tragedy. sure, lives were lost and thousands have been displaced but after a few weeks, people will move on and revert back to their lives as if yesterday did not happen. only a few will learn some kind of lesson from this experience. those who will learn are those who will call yesterday a tragedy. and i believe that it is a tragedy..for them. but for most people in metro manila, i think yesterday was a mere inconvenience. a memory that will be used as a story for some social gathering rather than a deep personal experience where a lesson should be derived from. what lesson can be derived from yesterday? i dont know. im only one of the hundreds who merely experienced an inconvenience (hours of power outage and thinking how i can do some work during the weekend with a laptop with a battery that lasts for only 15 minutes).
but then again, im just someone who has high standards. that a tragedy should be something not even an opportunists can easily take advantage of (after watching the news, i thought the heavens might be favoring a presidential candidate by giving him this opportunity). or something that will truly break one's spirit. and once broken, either that spirit stays broken or forces itself to rise and fight back. a tragedy for me is something that will force change, for the better or for the worse. if no change will be induced, i think that tragedy is a tragedy in itself.
Monday, September 21, 2009
things to watch out for...
right foot injury - accidents happen
eyesight loss - well, some things become worse if left untreated
heart problems - ordinary wear and tear
memory loss/amnesia - wouldnt it be nice to have the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
of the four, the second is the most realistic at the moment. and its the one i really dont want to happen. i mean, amnesia's fine. the heart suddenly deciding to rest and stop pumping isnt much of an issue for me. and a right foot injury is bad but i think i can manage that. but losing my eyesight? one of things i fear most.
eyesight loss - well, some things become worse if left untreated
heart problems - ordinary wear and tear
memory loss/amnesia - wouldnt it be nice to have the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
of the four, the second is the most realistic at the moment. and its the one i really dont want to happen. i mean, amnesia's fine. the heart suddenly deciding to rest and stop pumping isnt much of an issue for me. and a right foot injury is bad but i think i can manage that. but losing my eyesight? one of things i fear most.
its September 21!
and its only Sept20 in the US. only 24 more hours and its thank God for How I Met Your Mother! please HIMYM Season 5, dont be a disappointment like TF2. youre one of the few things i look forward to every week.
i believe...
there's always a way out. always. when youre in deep shit, you dont have to go further in. theres always a way out. problem is sometimes, going further in is better than looking for a way out. but still, its a way out. sometimes the problem is, what are you willing to do to get out? or how far will you go to get out?
that there is no such thing as coincidence. everything happens for a reason. or there must be an underlying reason for everything that happens. because if there's none, life is just being cruel. well, life is fortunate that we have the freedom to come up and believe whatever reason we can find.
that once is enough when it comes to giving someone a chance. a second chance is not worth giving. it will only lead to disappointment. like earlier, i shouldnt have given her a chance to make up for what she did. but i did. and what happened? i ended up wasting my time, trying not to lose my temper and her telling me "maybe now is not the right time. maybe next time". what!? how can she turn this around just like that? im the one being open to whatever she had to say and i end up being the one who appears to be on the wrong side. it made me wonder, does she really think she is worth that much just because i gave her another chance to make things right?
that there's always time for everything. its all about time management. but sometimes, the problem is, we cant keep up with time. we grow old, we become weak, we prioritize the wrong things. and time never stops running. we either end up wasting it or making sure every minute of it is spent wisely. its never time's fault when someone runs out of time.
that there is no such thing as no such thing. anything is possible. impossible is nothing. well, this is what i tell myself to believe. not because i believe in it means its true or will actually happen. as the song goes, don't stop believing. it might hurt but well, everybody hurts.
that God exists. i believe in Him. unfortunately He created me skeptical and stubborn. i dont know how it works out or if it works out but i do believe. i have faith. problem is, God also created me as someone cursed/gifted with inner contradictions. im both of most, if not all, opposites or extremes.
that there is no such thing as coincidence. everything happens for a reason. or there must be an underlying reason for everything that happens. because if there's none, life is just being cruel. well, life is fortunate that we have the freedom to come up and believe whatever reason we can find.
that once is enough when it comes to giving someone a chance. a second chance is not worth giving. it will only lead to disappointment. like earlier, i shouldnt have given her a chance to make up for what she did. but i did. and what happened? i ended up wasting my time, trying not to lose my temper and her telling me "maybe now is not the right time. maybe next time". what!? how can she turn this around just like that? im the one being open to whatever she had to say and i end up being the one who appears to be on the wrong side. it made me wonder, does she really think she is worth that much just because i gave her another chance to make things right?
that there's always time for everything. its all about time management. but sometimes, the problem is, we cant keep up with time. we grow old, we become weak, we prioritize the wrong things. and time never stops running. we either end up wasting it or making sure every minute of it is spent wisely. its never time's fault when someone runs out of time.
that there is no such thing as no such thing. anything is possible. impossible is nothing. well, this is what i tell myself to believe. not because i believe in it means its true or will actually happen. as the song goes, don't stop believing. it might hurt but well, everybody hurts.
that God exists. i believe in Him. unfortunately He created me skeptical and stubborn. i dont know how it works out or if it works out but i do believe. i have faith. problem is, God also created me as someone cursed/gifted with inner contradictions. im both of most, if not all, opposites or extremes.
i want control
No matter how hard you plan your life. Life has a plan for you on it's own. Life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control...resistance is futile (Wedding Daze, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Star Trek).
Hmm. So what's your plan life? is it good? i might like it but, well, you know, i have plans of my own.
You know life, i wish i could make a deal with you. if i could make a deal with you, this is my offer:
"i will be open to whatever plan you have. i will give you a 4 hour window tomorrow to present to me your plan. go nuts on how you want to present it. of course i am free to reject your proposal but at least im open enough to consider your proposal. after that four hour window, i will only listen to myself, go ahead with my plan and only God can stop me. i will restore this motto which ive used before 2004. im impatient life. if life wont happen, then it will never happen. never. and im starting to think you are just being cruel with all the disruptions youve been causing lately. of course i dont expect you will stop disturbing me. but after that four hour window to convince me otherwise, i will do everything i can to prevail. i wont lose to you life. and you know how far i can go just to win.
so life, you have four hours to come get me. after that, the stronger you push me, the harder my resistance will be. if you fail to persuade me tomorrow, im going to live you the way i did before: never stopping for anyone, no regrets for every decision."
unfortunately for me, i tried this kind of proposal before and life didnt accept it. but that doesnt mean i cant try one more time and just go ahead and do it anway if life rejects it. now life, if you are willing to accept this offer, you know when that four hour window begins and ends. im not expecting you to accept it but in case you dont accept, i wont allow you to change my plans again.
Hmm. So what's your plan life? is it good? i might like it but, well, you know, i have plans of my own.
You know life, i wish i could make a deal with you. if i could make a deal with you, this is my offer:
"i will be open to whatever plan you have. i will give you a 4 hour window tomorrow to present to me your plan. go nuts on how you want to present it. of course i am free to reject your proposal but at least im open enough to consider your proposal. after that four hour window, i will only listen to myself, go ahead with my plan and only God can stop me. i will restore this motto which ive used before 2004. im impatient life. if life wont happen, then it will never happen. never. and im starting to think you are just being cruel with all the disruptions youve been causing lately. of course i dont expect you will stop disturbing me. but after that four hour window to convince me otherwise, i will do everything i can to prevail. i wont lose to you life. and you know how far i can go just to win.
so life, you have four hours to come get me. after that, the stronger you push me, the harder my resistance will be. if you fail to persuade me tomorrow, im going to live you the way i did before: never stopping for anyone, no regrets for every decision."
unfortunately for me, i tried this kind of proposal before and life didnt accept it. but that doesnt mean i cant try one more time and just go ahead and do it anway if life rejects it. now life, if you are willing to accept this offer, you know when that four hour window begins and ends. im not expecting you to accept it but in case you dont accept, i wont allow you to change my plans again.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
sober is so boring
the great Homer S. once said: alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
life. what is the meaning of life? i think there are two ways of searching for the answer to such question. one way is by doing it objectively or by primarily using one's mind. the other way is by doing it subjectively or using one's heart. the former i believe makes one live a sad and miserable life without really living life. he lives life having emotions in moderate amounts. he is able to gain some form of contentment and peace. he sees a glimpse of the answer. but of course, a glimpse of the answer is not the same as seeing and having the answer. the latter approach makes one live life. he engages in it, he is immersed in a wider range and stronger set of emotions. anger, love, happiness, hatred, etc. in this approach i think the person is closer to the answer or probably able to grasp it but cannot explain and share it for the world to know. for the world to finally know the answer to the question that has puzzled most men since time immemorial. or at least when he started asking "why?" (that eventually lead to questions regarding one's existence).
alcohol. what is alcohol? alcohol is the possimpible. it can make a subjective man objective and an objective man subjective. it makes the improbable happen. it can even make the impossible occur. alcohol is the best medicine for some. alcohol is the best thing that ever happened to some. alcohol is the shiznit. if life sucks, alcohol is your cause and your solution. with alcohol, you dont even have to finish a sentence. it knows no rules...on grammar. you dont even have to make sense. it makes one feel powerful and become powerless at the same time. it makes contradictions meet. it makes life exciting and interesting for both the intoxicated and non-intoxicated. and an exciting life gives meaning to life. so alcohol is the bearer of life's meaning. twisted logic. aaah, alcohol. you are one of the best things that man created and God made possible.
im going to keep my promise that i wont drink alcohol for the next two weeks. by saturday, its going to be two full weeks. good thing i said maybe longer. the word "maybe" really makes a lot of difference. sorry life, but without alcohol, you are just plain boring.
life. what is the meaning of life? i think there are two ways of searching for the answer to such question. one way is by doing it objectively or by primarily using one's mind. the other way is by doing it subjectively or using one's heart. the former i believe makes one live a sad and miserable life without really living life. he lives life having emotions in moderate amounts. he is able to gain some form of contentment and peace. he sees a glimpse of the answer. but of course, a glimpse of the answer is not the same as seeing and having the answer. the latter approach makes one live life. he engages in it, he is immersed in a wider range and stronger set of emotions. anger, love, happiness, hatred, etc. in this approach i think the person is closer to the answer or probably able to grasp it but cannot explain and share it for the world to know. for the world to finally know the answer to the question that has puzzled most men since time immemorial. or at least when he started asking "why?" (that eventually lead to questions regarding one's existence).
alcohol. what is alcohol? alcohol is the possimpible. it can make a subjective man objective and an objective man subjective. it makes the improbable happen. it can even make the impossible occur. alcohol is the best medicine for some. alcohol is the best thing that ever happened to some. alcohol is the shiznit. if life sucks, alcohol is your cause and your solution. with alcohol, you dont even have to finish a sentence. it knows no rules...on grammar. you dont even have to make sense. it makes one feel powerful and become powerless at the same time. it makes contradictions meet. it makes life exciting and interesting for both the intoxicated and non-intoxicated. and an exciting life gives meaning to life. so alcohol is the bearer of life's meaning. twisted logic. aaah, alcohol. you are one of the best things that man created and God made possible.
im going to keep my promise that i wont drink alcohol for the next two weeks. by saturday, its going to be two full weeks. good thing i said maybe longer. the word "maybe" really makes a lot of difference. sorry life, but without alcohol, you are just plain boring.
maybe i will but for now i wont
God, i know what You are trying to do, where You are trying to lead me, what You are trying to make me see. i hear You loud and clear. Your messages cant be any clearer. Unfortunately, i am Your stubborn son and i still refuse to fulfill what i think You want me to do. its not that i inherently dont want to do what You want me to do, what You want me to be, what You want me to fulfill. its just that i have doubts whether it has to be me that has to do it. whether i understand You correctly. You know that i am excessively and annoyingly skeptical about everything. and of course, that i am Your stubborn son. And unlike normal people, the promise of happiness isnt really that enticing for me. im preparing myself again to live this life i have now until the end. i guess happiness just isnt my thing. it makes me paranoid, it deprives me of the small amount of inner peace i always struggle to acquire and establish. its one of the things i really am afraid of. maybe when push comes to shove, i will give in to Your plans. i will embrace wholeheartedly what i think You have planned for me. that is, if push comes to shove. but for now, i remain to be Your stubborn son who will not allow himself to be subjected to whatever divine force You subject Your people to. maybe someday Your universe will happily tell me, "that's fortuna for you". but for now, i will not give Your universe that pleasure and i will resist the force of Your universe. Your universe is something i tried to trust. and that i cannot do again anytime soon. nor can i promise i ever will trust it again. God, im sorry. I am your stubborn son after all.
and if there is such a thing as reincarnation or something like that, i guess i didnt progress in this lifetime. i guess there's no level up for me in the next life just because i refuse to learn what i ought to learn.
and if there is such a thing as reincarnation or something like that, i guess i didnt progress in this lifetime. i guess there's no level up for me in the next life just because i refuse to learn what i ought to learn.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
months of the year
i dont like this September. why? i dont know. i just dont like it. even if season 5 of How I Met Your Mother will begin on September 21. and its not because i wont be taking the bar this year. so if there's anything i shouldnt like regarding taking the bar, its the year, not the month. so one thing i dont like about 2009 is the fact that i wasnt i able to take it this year. so i dont have problems with September with regard to taking the bar. so why dont i like it? like i said, i dont know. its like months ago when i thought April has something malevolent up its sleeve. why did i think April was malevolent? no reason, i just thought it was malevolent. in a way, it was. and August always has a nasty and unfortunate surprise. i have no comments about May, June and July. they were somewhat average. somewhat. not completely average. January, February and March of this year were notable but i didnt know what to expect before they happened. so what do i think about October? i dont have any comment for October yet. the same goes for November. but the thing with November is that i always end up liking it. well, i have a bias for November. as for December, i had a weird vague memory earlier this day that someone will beat me up on December. the weirder part is, how the hell did i have a vague memory of it? or maybe i was still heavily intoxicated. or maybe i have brain damage caused by regular intake of alcohol in increasing amounts. or simply insanity caused by boredom and inner contradictions.
Philippine politics just got interesting
whats up with the Mar and Noynoy thing? well, im not that surprised when Mar said he would give up (for the moment) running for the presidency. sure he already spent a lot in terms of money and effort but it wasnt much of a sacrifice for Mar. and my definition of sacrifice is when one has everything to lose and nothing to gain (i think that would be a fitting definition for someone who is hard to please or someone with ridiculously high standards). by not aiming for the presidency and opting to support Noynoy, he has something substantial to gain aside from uniting his party (which is obvious from the public's reaction towards his decision). it wasnt really a loss on his part. well, in a way it was a loss but its also a win. what he did was admirable and it was a very difficult decision to make but it was also very strategic (which is also admirable). thats playing your cards right without allowing one's judgment be clouded by ambition. and Noynoy is also playing it well. not because there's a clamor for him to run doesnt mean he must run.
but, whats interesting to see (interesting for me) is if they can possibly play whatever theyre doing right now in a manner that in the end, Mar will still run for president and Noynoy for VP (not that this is the tandem i want but i just find it interesting if they will pull off something like this. so they arent my candidates for next year's elections. i havent decided yet who im going to vote for next year. its too early to decide). that after Noynoy's reflection, he would decide not to run for president and would rather have Mar do it and he would have his supporters support Mar instead. seeing that he is not that prepared for the highest position in this third world country compared to Mar and based from Mar's willingness to sacrifice his personal ambition, Mar would appear to be more capable to lead this country. so Noynoy would have to sacrifice the collective ambition of his supporters, not lose their support and convert their support in favor of Mar.
But some would argue that Cory Aquino wasnt that prepared to become president when she became president. Noynoy's situation is different. and the times are different. so i think its not appropriate to compare the two. besides, its implying that only another member of the Aquino family can replicate or do what Cory Aquino did. and im digressing. point is, i thought that Noynoy announcing that he wont run for president and would rather settle for VP and would ask Mar to run for president instead was a ridiculous thing for them to do. but then again, i thought if they play it right, if they say the right words to the right people at the right time and induce the right circumstances (which entails a very intricate plan that has to be executed almost flawlessly by very capable people...or simply a group of excellent puppet masters with charming and persuasive marionettes), Noynoy could get his supporters to support Mar for president and Noynoy, by settling for VP would gain some time to prove his worth to those who have doubts about his capacity to lead as President. because i doubt that Noynoy's current supporters would be enough (assuming that he wins for President) to allow Noynoy to run this country for six years as his supporters would want him to run it. sure he is gaining strong and prominent supporters but i think we should look beyond the elections. can these supporters really support Noynoy for six years? can they defend him? or are they willing to defend him in all instances or most instances? as for Mar, i dont think he needs that kind of support beyond the elections. when he decided to run for president, he must have taken everything to consideration already in order to run the country in whatever way he wants to run it. as for Noynoy, does he have enough time to prepare how to run a country? again, there's the argument that Cory didnt plan or wasnt that prepared. but does Noynoy have the same kind of support as Cory? not the same nature, but the same kind. nature and kind are two different things. my point is, i think Noynoy can only run this country as long as he has his supporters and he has capable supporters. look at GMA, she's very unpopular and doesnt have much supporters but she continues to run this country the way she wants to simply because she knows how to stay in power by having a handful of useful and significant supporters. what GMA is doing is not admirable but its disgustingly impressive. Can Noynoy stay in power in case he loses his supporters? an important question would be, why would we want Noynoy to stay in power if he no longer has supporters? well, its one of the challenges every leader of any country should be capable of. ideally, staying in power should be through the support of the citizenry. but i think any one aspiring for the highest position should be prepared and capable of staying in power and finish the term even without supporters as long as there's no better alternative.
and why the hell am i writing about politics? on a sunday! i should be doing something non sensical or reading a book or watching a rented DVD or downloaded sitcom. not in the mood to review on a bar exam day.
but, whats interesting to see (interesting for me) is if they can possibly play whatever theyre doing right now in a manner that in the end, Mar will still run for president and Noynoy for VP (not that this is the tandem i want but i just find it interesting if they will pull off something like this. so they arent my candidates for next year's elections. i havent decided yet who im going to vote for next year. its too early to decide). that after Noynoy's reflection, he would decide not to run for president and would rather have Mar do it and he would have his supporters support Mar instead. seeing that he is not that prepared for the highest position in this third world country compared to Mar and based from Mar's willingness to sacrifice his personal ambition, Mar would appear to be more capable to lead this country. so Noynoy would have to sacrifice the collective ambition of his supporters, not lose their support and convert their support in favor of Mar.
But some would argue that Cory Aquino wasnt that prepared to become president when she became president. Noynoy's situation is different. and the times are different. so i think its not appropriate to compare the two. besides, its implying that only another member of the Aquino family can replicate or do what Cory Aquino did. and im digressing. point is, i thought that Noynoy announcing that he wont run for president and would rather settle for VP and would ask Mar to run for president instead was a ridiculous thing for them to do. but then again, i thought if they play it right, if they say the right words to the right people at the right time and induce the right circumstances (which entails a very intricate plan that has to be executed almost flawlessly by very capable people...or simply a group of excellent puppet masters with charming and persuasive marionettes), Noynoy could get his supporters to support Mar for president and Noynoy, by settling for VP would gain some time to prove his worth to those who have doubts about his capacity to lead as President. because i doubt that Noynoy's current supporters would be enough (assuming that he wins for President) to allow Noynoy to run this country for six years as his supporters would want him to run it. sure he is gaining strong and prominent supporters but i think we should look beyond the elections. can these supporters really support Noynoy for six years? can they defend him? or are they willing to defend him in all instances or most instances? as for Mar, i dont think he needs that kind of support beyond the elections. when he decided to run for president, he must have taken everything to consideration already in order to run the country in whatever way he wants to run it. as for Noynoy, does he have enough time to prepare how to run a country? again, there's the argument that Cory didnt plan or wasnt that prepared. but does Noynoy have the same kind of support as Cory? not the same nature, but the same kind. nature and kind are two different things. my point is, i think Noynoy can only run this country as long as he has his supporters and he has capable supporters. look at GMA, she's very unpopular and doesnt have much supporters but she continues to run this country the way she wants to simply because she knows how to stay in power by having a handful of useful and significant supporters. what GMA is doing is not admirable but its disgustingly impressive. Can Noynoy stay in power in case he loses his supporters? an important question would be, why would we want Noynoy to stay in power if he no longer has supporters? well, its one of the challenges every leader of any country should be capable of. ideally, staying in power should be through the support of the citizenry. but i think any one aspiring for the highest position should be prepared and capable of staying in power and finish the term even without supporters as long as there's no better alternative.
and why the hell am i writing about politics? on a sunday! i should be doing something non sensical or reading a book or watching a rented DVD or downloaded sitcom. not in the mood to review on a bar exam day.
today is a sunday
and today is the first sunday of the 2009 bar exams. what the? well, i was aware of it...but i wasnt that aware. ive been really busy lately. its only now (and i really mean right at this moment) that its sinking in that today is the first sunday my law batchmates will take the first of four installments of the bar examinations. i think its the most difficult bar examinations in the world but not the most difficult exam. whats my basis? none. except that it takes four whole sundays to accomplish, its civil law and its almost 4 years worth of knowledge in Philippine law supposed to be reviewed in more or less 5 months. and then theres the handwriting factor. damn it. anyway, i tried to take the bar exam this year but well, this just isnt my year. this is the year where everything i do ends up badly. so i guess im lucky that i wont be taking the bar this year.
taking a break from taking a break
cant believe im going to say this but i will not drink alcohol...for the next 2 weeks (or maybe longer). im not the type who's prone to hang overs. if memory serves me right, ive only had two hangovers. the first one i cant recall but the 2nd one was just months ago and the 2nd one was nastier than the first. anyway, i didnt wake up with a hangover (ok...that just confused me. i just digressed because the hangover has nothing to do with what im really trying to say which is what im about to say) but i can still feel the alcohol running through my blood stream. if i sweat, it would probably smell like alcohol. and ive been vomit free since August 2003. wait, i think ive vomitted after 2003...from a night of drinking somewhere in Makati...this year...but that cant be right...oh yeah...i remember...it was the night before the nasty hangover. ok. so i wasnt vomit free since August 2003. anyway, i think i vomitted twice last night. one because i reached my limit (when i drink and i reach my "drinking" limit, i get really sleepy...and i sleep. and the last time that happened was August 2003). two because i need to remove as much alcohol from my system because i need to sober up quickly because im going to drive home. it usually takes me an hour to sober up or at least sober enough to drive. usually i enjoy driving while intoxicated but last night i didnt. i really just wanted to sleep while i was driving home. my level of intoxication was in another level. now im having second thoughts if i can handle the "submarine".
ok. i think i really need to take a break from drinking. ive killed a lot of brain cells already. and i really need my brain right now.
ok. i think i really need to take a break from drinking. ive killed a lot of brain cells already. and i really need my brain right now.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
making no sense at all
i have this strange feeling something's wrong. that something's up and i cant tell what it is. its not twilight zone kind of wrong but there's just something wrong with...something. while walking home and watching cars go by, things just feel a little different and wrong. i cant explain it because i dont even understand it.
in an unrelated matter yet somewhat similar matter, i also feel threatened. threatened by what? again, i dont know. by some unknown something. i feel like something is about to find me when i dont want to be found. its not really like running away from something and then being caught but more of being found and not wanting to be found. its like the existence of something is threatened by...something. its like something has come back and i dont like whatever that came back.
anyway, if anyone asks me what's wrong with me, im just going to say im suffering from selective mutism coupled with sensory defensiveness. i hope i dont lose my eyesight. i miss my heightened sense of awareness. Philippine politics just got interesting. now im just saying stuff that has no relation to each other and putting them together in one paragraph.
in an unrelated matter yet somewhat similar matter, i also feel threatened. threatened by what? again, i dont know. by some unknown something. i feel like something is about to find me when i dont want to be found. its not really like running away from something and then being caught but more of being found and not wanting to be found. its like the existence of something is threatened by...something. its like something has come back and i dont like whatever that came back.
anyway, if anyone asks me what's wrong with me, im just going to say im suffering from selective mutism coupled with sensory defensiveness. i hope i dont lose my eyesight. i miss my heightened sense of awareness. Philippine politics just got interesting. now im just saying stuff that has no relation to each other and putting them together in one paragraph.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
did i stutter?
yes i did. i think i have a stuttering problem. not severe. but i do stutter like a dumb idiot. i dont know when i developed this. usually i stutter when i get overwhelmed by emotions but lately i stutter half of the time. i might be developing some brain damage. or i just have a speech disorder called stuttering. or its only now that i noticed it.
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