God, i know what You are trying to do, where You are trying to lead me, what You are trying to make me see. i hear You loud and clear. Your messages cant be any clearer. Unfortunately, i am Your stubborn son and i still refuse to fulfill what i think You want me to do. its not that i inherently dont want to do what You want me to do, what You want me to be, what You want me to fulfill. its just that i have doubts whether it has to be me that has to do it. whether i understand You correctly. You know that i am excessively and annoyingly skeptical about everything. and of course, that i am Your stubborn son. And unlike normal people, the promise of happiness isnt really that enticing for me. im preparing myself again to live this life i have now until the end. i guess happiness just isnt my thing. it makes me paranoid, it deprives me of the small amount of inner peace i always struggle to acquire and establish. its one of the things i really am afraid of. maybe when push comes to shove, i will give in to Your plans. i will embrace wholeheartedly what i think You have planned for me. that is, if push comes to shove. but for now, i remain to be Your stubborn son who will not allow himself to be subjected to whatever divine force You subject Your people to. maybe someday Your universe will happily tell me, "that's fortuna for you". but for now, i will not give Your universe that pleasure and i will resist the force of Your universe. Your universe is something i tried to trust. and that i cannot do again anytime soon. nor can i promise i ever will trust it again. God, im sorry. I am your stubborn son after all.
and if there is such a thing as reincarnation or something like that, i guess i didnt progress in this lifetime. i guess there's no level up for me in the next life just because i refuse to learn what i ought to learn.
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