im having second thoughts but my answer is still NO!

is there such a thing as fate? or destiny? i think there is. but i also think its not completely inevitable. we have free will after all. it just so happens that refusal to comply with what fate or destiny has in mind is like refusing to fulfill one's purpose. for me it makes sense because whats the point of each one's existence if it has no purpose. and in order to have a purpose, there must be some grand design that has been set. without it, whats the point of each one's purpose?

i know there has been some kind of lecture about this in one of my college classes. i just cant recall whether it was in one of those theology classes or philosophy classes. so i dont know whether im getting it right or not.

anyway, the reason why im thinking about it is because yesterday i was reminded of how much people still have faith in me (no matter how many times ive purposely discredited myself) which made me think whether its really my fate to do things that people believe i can do. or should do. or must become. that what i want to be or what i want to have will never matter. that even if i try to take another path, i will be forced back to become what i need to be. to come crashing back to where im supposed to be. just to fulfill a purpose.

i just want a simple and short life. but unfortunately, its hard to have that when im an immensely complicated person who might live a life longer than i expected. ive tried twice to be seriously ill to shorten my life span (which i used to call back in 2006 as a loophole to the definition of suicide). but well, im not as seriously ill as i want to be. im just in pain. ive had a bunch of close calls but a close call really isnt enough to be a one way ticket out of here.

there are no accidents and everything happens for a reason. i believe in these two statements. but not because i believe means i also live a life in accordance with it. how can i get that simple life if i keep making things complicated? i just dont know how long i can stay stubborn with the kind of pressure life is exerting lately.