give me five!

its been two weeks that ive been in a "good" mood. thats really something. and this week, life somehow made things a bit...interesting and intriguing.

a flat tire last monday changed my usual routine that lead me to a situation that was quite nice.

and last tuesday, a weird incident made me wonder of life's sense of humor.

as for wednesday, it brought to my attention that sometimes, its the unexpected that's more reliable.

and today, thursday, made me think of how serious i am of the things i say or i have said.

now i doubt life can go for five days in a row. it either has to bring someone new or bring someone from a past that ive decided to forget. i dont think it can pick anyone anymore from the current line-up. coming up with four is something i never thought it could pull off. sorry life, you have to give me five in order for me to consider the offer. its because im greedy and im hoping to jinx it before it can even start. and if you really are serious with your offer, dont push things my way, shove it. letting things happen over and over again really gets boring.

Tasogare

The Pervy Sage: Getting dumped makes a man stronger. And if he's not able to laugh it off, he won't be able to fulfill his duties as a man. At least joke about it.

Tsunade: So a man's duty is to be strong?

The Pervy Sage: you could put it that way. besides, men arent supposed to pursue stuff like happiness.

Tsunade: stop trying to act so cool. if women werent around, there'd be no one to dump your ass.

The Pervy Sage: so true.

Note to Self

one way not to break a promise is...by not making one. i managed to keep all the promises ive made and i never make promises i cant keep. i would like to keep it that way.

i dont want a cellmate, i want a beautiful cell...or pretty warden

i just realized that one of the important traits i unconsciously look for was a girl's ability to become my cell. i need to feel that she can restrain me when necessary. thats the only time i can relax and loosen up. i need a cell in order to become myself and be truly free. thats...weird. but thats what i realized just now. now i understand my enumeration back in college of what i look for and constitute my perfect girl. i thought it was just my thing to find a girl who can do this or knows that but now i realize that i wanted someone who can stop me from losing control. or can guarantee i wont be in full control. now i understand my excuse a few years ago. why do i keep forgetting things like these? thats why im posting it. so in the future, i will have this nagging thought that the answer is somewhere in this blog.

google me

The shadowy side of Sagittarius can be a dreadful name-dropper and groupie...[T]he Sagittarian shadow likes to be where it's all happening, and with the people that it's all happening to; and somehow, with his marvelously intuitive nose, he manages to be in the right restaurant at the right time and meets the right person. One of Sagittarius' gifts is the ability to make contacts and spot opportunities. This gift is put to service of the Sagittarian shadow when the archer uses other people as his opportunities, and drops them when they're not useful...[T]he really good groupies, the ones who managed to build a veritable career out of basking in somebody else's limelight, were usually the Sagittarians.

good thing i read this article now and made me realize that ive become a dreadful name-dropper and a very subtle groupie. now that i think about it, i didnt become a name-dropper, ive always been a name-dropper. i just didnt notice it. just another one of the inherent traits i have to be mindful of and try to restrain.

Note to Self

i have to constantly remind myself to never assume that the other person is on the same page. especially someone from the opposite sex. they just think too differently.

this note to self is so bothersome but somewhat necessary to avoid miscommunication...and the troublesome explanations that come after

its funny that two people can talk and think they're understanding each other and suddenly in the end the realization theyre not on the same page right from the beginning. annoying but shit happens. i find more troublesome the clarification part where both sides try not to admit that it was really the fault of both parties. or try to make it appear one party is more at fault than the other.

FMA 3rd Opening Theme

Cant focus. My body is still puzzled about what to do. im trembling. i cant stop even if i try to control myself. although neither sun nor moon are on my side, "ive no choice but to try." those were the words i muttered to myself. the odds arent on my side, but running away would be gutless. even if i cant see the future, ill just have to win it over with courage. i need to keep distance from the target as i hold myself back. all thats needed for victory is the pride to win. will we celebrate with the wine of victory or will we end up kissing their feet in defeat? there are two outcomes to everything. i want to control destiny. i need to seize the golden opportunity with my hands. i will finish it up with my best poker face, and drag them into a world of illusions. i will find my way out of this endless pressure game, and leap over the borderline of honor. but what will i need to sacrifice to make it happen? what is one thing i dont want to let go?

1528 messages deleted

"...the only question is whether we want to get on with our lives or desperately cling to the past" - Ted Mosby

i need to make room for work messages.

my sassy girl and sadako

when i get sad, i stop being sad and watch this instead

ready steady go

haha. thank you facebook for giving me a purpose. not an ultimate purpose but a purpose nonetheless. thank you for reminding me of one of my previous goals and now its time to pull myself together and get myself out of this losing streak. im a bit far behind (in time, money, experience and stature) and i dont know if i can remain in the race but i wont allow myself to lose now that i realized im not exactly out of the race yet. even if i get disqualified by circumstances, i ought to find a way to make sure i dont lose to this person. i should tap my competitive self to bring myself back on track and move on a faster pace.

i want coffee

i went to a nearby grocery to buy brewed coffee. when i got there, the person manning the booth was said to be having her break, probably late lunch break because it was 2pm. i waited for 10 minutes and then left.

i was also in a similar situation a month ago. i waited for 15 minutes because the person in charge of the smart eload station was out. and i really needed to load my smart sim at that time. it was also mid afternoon.

i realized that half of the time this year, i end up choosing the perfect wrong timing. it makes me wonder how many opportunities i have lost just by being at the wrong place and at the wrong time.

using my example above, it wasnt my fault i got there during her lunch break. how should i know that the person selling the coffee will be having her break? it wasnt her fault either that a paying customer like me arrived during her break. she had no idea someone was waiting and i just cant wait indefinitely since i have no idea when she will finish her break. and so the opportunity for her to sell and for me to buy the product was lost. if everything happens for a reason, then would that mean i wasnt supposed to buy the coffee? or she wasnt supposed to make the sale? had i bought the coffee, i would be in the mood to work and i wont be writing this. and i wont cram my work later or tomorrow morning. had she made the sale...i dont know what could possibly happen on her part. anyway its just a simple insignificant transaction that never happened that ruined my mood to work. could i get fired just because she wasnt able to sell me the coffee? or will she get fired by not selling enough coffee? or maybe the event has nothing to do with me at all. she had to be on her break so she will not encounter the interested paying customer after me which is 10 times more speculation than the speculation i just formulated.

i just want some brewed coffee. since i wont be having any, might settle for pizza or a margherita burger. i hope someone comes up with a chocolate and junk food delivery service.

its time to grow up

You are Edward Nigma/"The Riddler," a freelance criminologist turned master criminal and con artist. Recognition is what propels your actions, and you feel you've been underappreciated all your life. People themselves are riddles to you, and once they're solved, they're discarded. Mind games and entrapment are your forté, and you often toy with people for fun. Your mind is your most powerful asset, yet it contributes to a massive ego and a worldview that most people are inferior to yourself--or rather, that you'd like them to see it that way. Secretly, you fear being 'figured out' by anyone else, so you compensate by making bizarre but false claims, stumping people with misdirection, and performing elaborate stunts at others' expense. In your mind, you're weeding out the mentally unworthy. Ultimately, you force people to think about everything they do and say, for there is no right answer with The Riddler.

"What exists in a word, a letter, and in three; is asked too little and too much, yet is a building block of life and an enduring mystery? Give up? Why? Why is it that no one notices? No one thinks? Because nobody ever cares about the 'why' of the matter." ~The Riddler.

Earl Hickey Quotes

"Do good things and good things happen to you. Do bad things, they'll come back to haunt you"

"A purpose is a great thing to have. It gives you a reason to wake up every morning."

"I can't be anyone's boyfriend. I'm karma's bitch."

"A black cat crosses your path once, bad luck. It crosses your path twice, really bad luck. But three times, well that's when karma's trying to tell you something."

wait three days

"Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and then they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like "Uh okayy, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story." - Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)

just thinking out loud

i just saw my grade school crush on facebook...by accident. last time i saw her was in grade 1 and i never saw her again since then. but i remember her name and how she looked. and now, she looked a bit older for her age but she still looked pretty.

so that brings me down to...two grade school crushes im searching for. wait...three. but i have no idea how i will find the third one since i forgot her name already.

i also accidentally saw someone who was a very good friend of mine back in high school. but due to pride and irrational self-worth, i never talked to him again simply because i dont want to apologize and i dont want to ask for forgiveness.

now that im looking back at my past, life would or could be a lot better or at least interestingly different if...

i stayed in School of Saint Anthony for one more year. or maybe stayed there and finished high school there. i wouldnt be a school hopper and i wouldnt be afraid to form relationships. ever since i changed my school and in a way lost my friends, i started thinking that wherever i go, im merely passing by and the people i meet wont be there for long. but had i stayed there until high school, given my innate curiosity and the kind of freedom i had then, i could have ended up as a drug addict and knocked someone up already. but if i did stay there, since i was a hyperactive kid, i would have been involved in sports and probably ended up playing for the school varsity (even if i dont exercise, im amused how agile my body still is and how good my reflexes are. the only problem i have is stamina since im really out of shape). philosophy wouldnt have gotten me and i wont be the silent and pensive person i am now. my world view would be different and i would have remained to be that talkative kid who always ended up in the noisy list (and i had to bribe the class president one time so i wont be in the list and be humiliated in front of the school assembly). or i could have died earlier since ive had a bunch of accidents in that street we used to live in. or i would have stayed aggressive and assertive...and obnoxious. i always wanted to be the center of attention. i loved the attention. i always thought of ways to get the people's attention. i was a performer.

had i stayed in that school, i would have ended up in UST or UP and not Ateneo. either i remained to be a serious student...or became really complacent because i got involved in sports or became a drug addict. had i remained to be a very serious student, i would have passed the UPCAT. i was a competitive kid when it comes to grades. i always wanted to be in the top 10 of the class. to a certain extent, i remained that way in high school but around 3rd and 4th year, i realized the grading system and the school system itself was really nonsense and having a college degree is something i didnt need. anyway, had i stayed in School of Saint Anthony, i think i wouldnt be this arrogant. and if i wasnt arrogant, i would have passed the UST interview and ended up taking architecture. i could have been an architect and all three of us (me and my siblings) would be in similar lines of work.

but thats not what happened. i transferred to SVS and finished sixth grade there and graduated with people i only knew for a year. i felt out of place since they knew each other for years. i didnt know where to fit in. then i transferred again to CSQC. what made it bad was it was an all boys school. gained good friends there but lost a few good ones too because of my arrogance and excessive pride. since i wasnt the warm, friendly and very cheerful person i once was because in my mind im going to stay in that school for only a few years whats the point of being friends with people im not going to see again after a few years (now im starting to realize that i might have some kind of separation anxiety disorder which could be related to my "rejectionist" attitude and anti-emotion beliefs), my attention were then focused on acads and thinking of philo stuff. so i became really fucking serious and i just sucked the fun out of everything. i started asking why questions and started hating a lot of things. then i ended up in ateneo which was my third choice among the four colleges i considered applying. it took me years to accept the fact that i could love the academic institution. met good friends there too but i already developed an irrational fear of relationships and attachment problems (and whenever i try to get rid of it, it gets reinforced by not so good experiences). it took me years to finally trust some of them. same thing happened in law school. people just had to be patient with me before i become comfortable with the company. and now im in a new cycle of adjusting. it really takes me years to adjust on a personal level.

well, life didnt really turn out to be that bad. i met interesting people in SVS and CSQC. ateneo is one of the best universities in the country. im in one of the best law schools in the country. met good friends in all these schools. im working for a really good NGO, with a nice working environment, with a salary which isnt bad for a first employment and for a kind of work that is not really my line of expertise. so from an objective point of view, im doing very well and im lucky to be where i am. but looking at my grade school and high school classmates and where they are now, i dont think im any better or better off even if they keep saying that compared to them, im in a much better position. they keep saying they're proud of what ive accomplished but what is there to be proud of really?

i miss OLA

i just watched My Cousin Vinny a few hours ago on Jack TV. and i started to miss handling law cases, appearing in courts, briefing clients, addressing judges, etc. OLA made me realize that i do want to become a lawyer. its what i want to do for the rest of my life and im sure of it. i just hate the fact that bad decisions come to haunt you and try to take away stuff you want in life.

taking a break form work to comment on a news item

im not in favor of Chiz Escudero's proposal. doing such a thing would just cause problems after a few months or a year. i may not be a person who struggled with grades when i was in elementary or high school but ive had a bunch of failing marks in college and in law school. and whenever i failed, i know it was my fault. my competence in the subject really was not sufficient to get a passing grade. now, if you pass these students not based on competence but just because it would be very difficult to educate these students given the circumstances, it would probably just delay the failing marks some of these students ought to receive. they didnt learn anything but they passed. its like giving the problem to another subject and teacher. its hard to compare the situation to EDSA I which was a political crisis and not a natural disaster/environmental crisis. and the times have significantly changed since then. we are dumber compared to the same age group decades ago. ive noticed that the level of competence and the quality of education have declined over the years. we dont have the same level of intellectual people similar to the previous generations. students nowadays are lazy and lacks discipline. i should know because im one of these students.

im not saying these typhoon victims should not be given such a consideration. im just saying that these students should not be simply given passing grades. they should be given some kind of special sessions or classes or crash courses so as to make sure that they at least learned something and that they deserve the passing grades. or is that part of the across the board passing grade? anyway, this is the impression i got when i read the news item

i think Escudero mentioned something to the effect that the damage caused by the typhoon is a learning experience. i agree. it is a learning experience. is he implying that this be considered as a good reason to give an across the board passing grade? if it is (not sure if the impression im getting from the news article is correct, im reacting too soon. i just need to make use of my brain cells other than the usual stuff i use these brain cells for) then its changing the basis of passing the students...for this particular semester only. in a way, its passing students not from what they learned in schools but from what they learned from their experience. and what they learned from experience is more on the spirit of volunteerism. i would say its learning to have a heart. but we dont really give grades using this as a basis. well, theres a Good Manners and Right Conduct subject (not sure if this subject still exists). we can pass all students in this subject. but for math or algebra or biology or history? well, it can be argued that this event will be part of history and the students just participated in something that is history in the making. it can be argued that this experience is science in action. anyway, passing students for a social science or business administration or even elementary or high school subjects like english or filipino without at least checking what they learned is not a good idea. at least make them report or apply what they learned.

ok, maybe my law school batchmate has a point. if ever i become a professor someday, i should be avoided because im just there to make things difficult

do i need a different perspective?

i wonder how shortsighted people view the world? i can be shortsighted sometimes but most of the time im not. and each day that comes along was probably thought of the day before, the week before or months before. the significant minutes that pass by was thought of at least minutes earlier if not an hour earlier or more. so in order for me to be shortsighted for tomorrow, i should have stopped thinking and anticipating months ago or a week ago or yesterday or a while ago.but i dont think i can do that. by now, i already have november taking shape, some parts of december and i already have something in mind from january to more than half of 2010. i just have a lot of stuff in my mind.

can a warm gun bring happiness to theTin Man?

i wonder if the Tin Man can really be happy to have a heart? well, in the story the Oz characters already had inside them what they desired. they just didnt realize it. The Tin Man wanted to ask for a heart when he was already someone caring and thoughtful. anyway, ive been thinking (for a long time. ive had this thought months ago i think), isnt the Tin Man better off not having a heart? he has a metal body, he wont be able to feel the warmth of another living creature (well, i assume that a metal body wont have the sense of touch as other living creatures). will it not be torture for the Tin Man to have a heart? to care for someone but not be able to feel a warm hug or a sweet kiss? can he say for the rest of his life that "its ok" and pretending it really is ok whenever he is asked whether his body can feel the joyous warmth of another living creature expressing their affection and appreciation. its like he can never be truly satisfied because he cant enjoy his heart as much as normal people do. a tin man isnt designed and built to have a heart. so the Tin Man shouldnt have asked for a heart. He should have asked for something in accordance with his nature. or asked that his nature be changed into something that is in accordance with having a heart. if thats not possible or too much to ask for then he should have settled for not having a heart at all. anyway, thats the Tin Man's problem, not mine. im just wondering if he can really be happy having a heart and a cold, unfeeling body.

i didnt like care bears as much as most kids did

when i was a kid, i just had this love for animals. i remember praying to God if i can be made a god of the animals or some kind of caretaker of animal heaven. it was a like i saw God as a mafia Godfather (Jesus is the underboss) and i was asking whether He could appoint me as a capo and allow me to run a part of his business since He is handling the entire universe. anyway, i loved animals that back in high school, when i pictured myself 10 years later (meaning now), i imagined i would be having my own house, own car and going home to a couple of dogs and some aquarium pets. having pets was a must and just having animals around were enough for me. i think the last time i pictured myself as having a wife and a kid as my family was back in grade school. and i pictured my wife to be a scientist and my kid to be someone exceptionally intelligent. anyway, like i said in my earlier post, somewhere along the way, a part of me died. i just dont care about a lot of things. animals included. sort of. i still like animals but i dont love them like i used to.

the reason why im blogging about this is because a few weeks ago, i dropped by this guy's house and he had 3 aquariums and a lot of aquarium fish. and during our conversation, he said that i know my fish because i know the types of fish he had. and it reminded me that during high school, my classmates and my cousin always go to me when they have aquarium and aquarium fish concerns. i was like an expert in that field. ive read a lot of materials about the topic/hobby in encyclopedias and in the internet. i had a hobby. i had a passion for something. then the guy i was talking to asked me what happened? and i said, "i just dont have time anymore". the appropriate answer should have been "my priorities have changed". i just dont care as much as i did before. i dont think a bunch of pets will revive that part of me that died, that part that really cared. even if someone comes along asking for help or tips about aquarium pets, i wont care as much as i did.

i dont know what happened exactly why a part of me died. i think i still remember the feeling i felt when i saw my mother bring home a bag of aquarium fish. it was almost the same feeling i felt when i assembled my cousin's PC. doing these things again (having the aquarium pets hobby and assembling another PC) wont make me feel those feelings i felt. i dont know if i can feel that feeling again. just thinking about it is stressing me out already. i now have an upset stomach just because i entertained the thought in mind. i think ive successfully conditioned myself to make sure that i start not feeling emotions again by having my physical body react if my mind is doing things that i promised i would not do. my subconscious really is powerful.

jack of all trades, master of one

people give me too much credit. well, they have too much trust in my abilities. its understandable because most of the time, i am able to deliver what they ask for. i may not be the best person for the job but most of the time im good enough when there's no one else to go to. thats why ive always seen myself as playing the role of the back-up. but thats just it, im supposed to be just the back-up. the person you can always rely on when there's no else to turn to. i should be the last resort, the last line of defense or something like that. and i know what im capable of thats why i dont panic that quickly. when i can see that i can pull something out of my sleeve, i dont worry about failing or not accomplishing the task. i can always see a way out or a way to fix things or a way for things to push through. i never give my best at anything because i dont need to. im not there to impress anyone. im just there to make sure that the job gets done. once its done, im gone. no need to stay a second longer. thats the role im supposed to be playing. thats the role i should see myself doing. thats the role i should stick to. nothing else. i found comfort in being that person and i shouldnt aim for anything more for the simple reason that i think being the jack of all trades is the one i should master. i think being this person is what i can be good at. being an expert in a particular field will probably bore me or i wont be able achieve such a level because im not meant to master anything.

just read the news online...

and it reminded me of my friend's status message a few weeks ago...maybe the Philippines (or some of its cities) will be the new Atlantis.

the destruction caused by the recent typhoons shows that:
1. the environment is something people should take seriously. when i was a kid, i wanted to be some kind of environmentalist. and its because i love animals. but somewhere along the way, a part of me died and i just stopped caring.

2. the victims of the typhoons dont really deserve it but unfortunately, those who caused the damage to mother nature dont feel any guilt or remorse. so we wont be expecting any change of attitude from these people. and someone has to act and hopefully, those who felt the inconvenience, the slightly passive members of the population, should do something because they saw mother nature's not so good side when it wasnt their fault in the first place. they should act to make the people who should be responsible for pissing off mother nature do something that would improve the environmental situation.

im not sure if im just really, really bored but im really curious and interested to see what will happen in the next few years. i doubt people will start taking global warming seriously. if this global warming is as serious as it is being reported, i think a scenario similar to The Day After Tomorrow will happen. i dont mean an ice age will suddenly happen. i mean things will happen sooner and more serious than what was thought to be expected in our lifetime. if thats the case, i think i would like to stick around and live long enough and see how mother nature would try to assert itself and send its message loud and clear to its destructive inhabitants.

Ive got both hands in my pocket

Not sure if I remember correctly but I think Douglas Adams once said that he finds stuff to write from songs. I havent written anything worth reading for months. My recent posts are just stupid rants (which helps me unload stuff from my mind). And the one below is no different from my recent posts.

I feel drunk but I'm sober. I feel dizzy from time to time making me think there's something wrong with me. and when I see beer, I don’t feel like I want to drink it. I might be developing some kind of repulsion toward alcohol.

I'm young and I'm underpaid. Can't complain. it is my first employment after all and the nature of the job isnt really my area of expertise. And the workplace has a nice working environment so I don’t mind. And I think Im still young even if im already 25 but when I give it some more thought, 26 doesn’t sound so young. Then declaring oneself to be 27 feels like you should have more or less some good grasp where you are in society (like a status check) and by 28, you should already have a good idea about what you are doing, where you are going and when things will happen in one's life in relation to one's future. the whys and hows of life in relation to society come around 29 to 30.

I'm tired but I'm working. there's just some work that needs to be done and deadlines to meet. Im thinking of using my compensatory leaves to clean up my room and do some reviewing. Its too early to do some christmas window shopping.

I care but I'm worthless. I think its more of I care but its pointless. If its pointless because it wont change anything then im worthless.

I'm here but I'm really gone. My mind is always somewhere else. That’s why I had a fender bender last month. That’s why I keep forgetting and losing stuff.

I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby. That’s the most I can do. Say sorry. after that I move forward. Its rare for me to try to go back and correct my mistake.

i miss alanis morissette.

going missing2

my medical records in another clinic are missing too. at least the doctor remembers that i was her patient earlier this year (so those check-ups were real and not just my imagination or something). they just dont know where it is.

other stuff that are missing:
my swiss army knife. i have an idea where i probably left it but unfortunately, i cant go back to that place. well, more of i dont want to go back to that place and check whether i left my swiss army knife there.

my parker fountain pen. i have no idea when and where was the last time i saw my fountain pen. i just use it to sign documents. but like my other possessions, ive formed an attachment to this pen.

my NSO birth certificate. even my parents are clueless where it went.

ignorance is bliss

im starting to think that my cousin was right. maybe thinking is overrated. by thinking a lot or thinking too much, i see things differently from most people. and lately, i really want to stop seeing the things i see. and i can only stop seeing these things when i stop thinking, when i stop anticipating. but the choice i made requires me to be at least two steps ahead of everyone. so what will i do now? well, i have no choice but to continue. if in the end my cousin is right, ive made my choice already and whats done is done.

its Ock-tow-bur!

if ever im going to suffer from severe amnesia, this month is the perfect time for it. next month would be too late. too bad there's no Goldfield's syndrome. but then again, its not the new memories that i dont want to recover. so im really aiming for retrograde amnesia. i wonder if a mild stroke can do the trick.

going missing

i dropped by the infirmary a while ago. and my medical records are missing. what the? i just had my consultation there a few months ago. why didnt my records come back? and why do their records indicate that the last time they saw my medical records was way back in 2007? ive probably went to the infirmary around 4 to 5 times after 2007. if i were a paranoid person, i would say that proof of my stay and existence is being erased. important records are going missing. but im not that paranoid. for me, these occurrences are just making things really difficult and inconvenient for me.

another explanation would be is that...its only in my head that ive been going to the infirmary. that im some kind of schizo and im having my lucid interval now. i wonder if i really am too sane to go insane.

boring!

im really, really, really, really, really bored. and im tired of trying to amuse myself. and im tired of doing the same old stuff that never works and always ends up in disappointment. life never lets me have the type of fun i want. hey october, can you bring me something fun and interesting? last time i had fun was...3 to 4 years ago. now im just trying to keep myself occupied so i wont notice the boredom. i dont know how much longer i can try not to notice how boring things have become. even if ive been meeting a lot of people lately, everyone is just average.

some kind of assessment report

its been more than 3 months since i started working. have i saved any money? no. why? because i have the tendency to spend a lot when im miserable. and unfortunately, im always miserable. and i have vices. and i have an addictive personality. well, ive always been miserable before but this is the first time that im having difficulty controlling myself even if my self-restraints are in place. i guess there's really no turning back. i have to come up with a new way to deal with old problems. things really have changed for the worse.

im no longer trying not to be consumed by hatred. unfortunately, the promise i made is just so strong that even if i welcome hatred with open arms, it can no longer consume me (i want to hate but i cant). well, for now it cant. maybe someday it will figure a way how. the thing is, i think im one of those people who live a better life having hate as their baggage. i dont think being a loving person will work for me. it just drains a lot of my energy for nothing.

as for health related stuff, im wrong with my prediction about the right foot injury. first, its not the right foot. its the left one. second, its not an injury. there's just something wrong with my left foot. my big toe has been numb since friday afternoon and i feel pain on (or in? whatever. killed a lot of brain cells already. ive been drinking too much that lately, when i drink beer, my system wants to reject it by making me hate its taste. i guess my brain cells really cant afford seeing more brain cells die) the inner half of my left foot when i apply pressure. also, i just had a fever last night. not sure if im working too much. this is the third time in my lifetime this kind of fever happened.

anyway, assessing my situation now, i cant move forward because ive changed. ive trained myself for this situation, this predicament. i saw this coming years ago so i prepared for this point in time but ive been changed. and that change in me is rendering my preparations useless. and its all because i deviated from the plan. i have no one to blame but myself. what pisses me off is that no matter how much i try to bring my old self back, i cant reach the same level i already achieved before. im substantially my old self but not quite. the fact the realization and the awareness remains just makes it impossible to revert. much as i want to forget, my will is not strong enough to erase things that should be erased. and a part of me took measures to ensure that i wont be able to distort the memory. there will always be something to remind me.

given my current situation, it make me wonder, if we have free will, how come the choice i made is being made difficult or close to impossible to achieve?

cant i demand for equivalent exchange?

how come i cant trade 20 Hail Marys for 75 Glory Bes or 40 Our Fathers? or all three as long as the Haily Marys are reduced by around half. when can i get my Amen? sorry but i do complain a lot and im still annoyingly stubborn and skeptical.

i got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match.

some people say im being hard on myself. am i? then why do i have these problems? why am i in this peculiar sui generis predicament? why do i have a year filled with failures and bad decisions? why cant i come up with solutions or answers? if im being hard on myself, its because thats easier to do than face the problems i now have. i cant even allow myself to relax because if i do, im reminded of these bad things i have to overcome. yes, im trying to run away from my probems even if i know i will never be able to escape them. i just dont know what to do but to walk aimlessly with my eyes closed and try not to care. there is no one who can help me now. if there is still someone that could help, the help that can be provided is really not a way out but going further in. its like digging a deeper grave. actually, its not like digging a deeper grave. it is digging a deeper grave. right now, the only real way out is to give up and lose everything. i have to start from scratch. and thats not really a very good choice but its the real way out. what a catch.

i try to live life passively, i get shit. i try to do something about it and go get what i want, not only dont i get what i want, i get more shit. shit does happen a lot to me. now that i think about it, losing my eyesight isnt that bad after all.

i wonder if i ever will have the burger king slogan. when will life tell me: "Have it your way".