some people say im being hard on myself. am i? then why do i have these problems? why am i in this peculiar sui generis predicament? why do i have a year filled with failures and bad decisions? why cant i come up with solutions or answers? if im being hard on myself, its because thats easier to do than face the problems i now have. i cant even allow myself to relax because if i do, im reminded of these bad things i have to overcome. yes, im trying to run away from my probems even if i know i will never be able to escape them. i just dont know what to do but to walk aimlessly with my eyes closed and try not to care. there is no one who can help me now. if there is still someone that could help, the help that can be provided is really not a way out but going further in. its like digging a deeper grave. actually, its not like digging a deeper grave. it is digging a deeper grave. right now, the only real way out is to give up and lose everything. i have to start from scratch. and thats not really a very good choice but its the real way out. what a catch.
i try to live life passively, i get shit. i try to do something about it and go get what i want, not only dont i get what i want, i get more shit. shit does happen a lot to me. now that i think about it, losing my eyesight isnt that bad after all.
i wonder if i ever will have the burger king slogan. when will life tell me: "Have it your way".
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