i dont want a cellmate, i want a beautiful cell...or pretty warden

i just realized that one of the important traits i unconsciously look for was a girl's ability to become my cell. i need to feel that she can restrain me when necessary. thats the only time i can relax and loosen up. i need a cell in order to become myself and be truly free. thats...weird. but thats what i realized just now. now i understand my enumeration back in college of what i look for and constitute my perfect girl. i thought it was just my thing to find a girl who can do this or knows that but now i realize that i wanted someone who can stop me from losing control. or can guarantee i wont be in full control. now i understand my excuse a few years ago. why do i keep forgetting things like these? thats why im posting it. so in the future, i will have this nagging thought that the answer is somewhere in this blog.