i didnt like care bears as much as most kids did

when i was a kid, i just had this love for animals. i remember praying to God if i can be made a god of the animals or some kind of caretaker of animal heaven. it was a like i saw God as a mafia Godfather (Jesus is the underboss) and i was asking whether He could appoint me as a capo and allow me to run a part of his business since He is handling the entire universe. anyway, i loved animals that back in high school, when i pictured myself 10 years later (meaning now), i imagined i would be having my own house, own car and going home to a couple of dogs and some aquarium pets. having pets was a must and just having animals around were enough for me. i think the last time i pictured myself as having a wife and a kid as my family was back in grade school. and i pictured my wife to be a scientist and my kid to be someone exceptionally intelligent. anyway, like i said in my earlier post, somewhere along the way, a part of me died. i just dont care about a lot of things. animals included. sort of. i still like animals but i dont love them like i used to.

the reason why im blogging about this is because a few weeks ago, i dropped by this guy's house and he had 3 aquariums and a lot of aquarium fish. and during our conversation, he said that i know my fish because i know the types of fish he had. and it reminded me that during high school, my classmates and my cousin always go to me when they have aquarium and aquarium fish concerns. i was like an expert in that field. ive read a lot of materials about the topic/hobby in encyclopedias and in the internet. i had a hobby. i had a passion for something. then the guy i was talking to asked me what happened? and i said, "i just dont have time anymore". the appropriate answer should have been "my priorities have changed". i just dont care as much as i did before. i dont think a bunch of pets will revive that part of me that died, that part that really cared. even if someone comes along asking for help or tips about aquarium pets, i wont care as much as i did.

i dont know what happened exactly why a part of me died. i think i still remember the feeling i felt when i saw my mother bring home a bag of aquarium fish. it was almost the same feeling i felt when i assembled my cousin's PC. doing these things again (having the aquarium pets hobby and assembling another PC) wont make me feel those feelings i felt. i dont know if i can feel that feeling again. just thinking about it is stressing me out already. i now have an upset stomach just because i entertained the thought in mind. i think ive successfully conditioned myself to make sure that i start not feeling emotions again by having my physical body react if my mind is doing things that i promised i would not do. my subconscious really is powerful.