its been more than 3 months since i started working. have i saved any money? no. why? because i have the tendency to spend a lot when im miserable. and unfortunately, im always miserable. and i have vices. and i have an addictive personality. well, ive always been miserable before but this is the first time that im having difficulty controlling myself even if my self-restraints are in place. i guess there's really no turning back. i have to come up with a new way to deal with old problems. things really have changed for the worse.
im no longer trying not to be consumed by hatred. unfortunately, the promise i made is just so strong that even if i welcome hatred with open arms, it can no longer consume me (i want to hate but i cant). well, for now it cant. maybe someday it will figure a way how. the thing is, i think im one of those people who live a better life having hate as their baggage. i dont think being a loving person will work for me. it just drains a lot of my energy for nothing.
as for health related stuff, im wrong with my prediction about the right foot injury. first, its not the right foot. its the left one. second, its not an injury. there's just something wrong with my left foot. my big toe has been numb since friday afternoon and i feel pain on (or in? whatever. killed a lot of brain cells already. ive been drinking too much that lately, when i drink beer, my system wants to reject it by making me hate its taste. i guess my brain cells really cant afford seeing more brain cells die) the inner half of my left foot when i apply pressure. also, i just had a fever last night. not sure if im working too much. this is the third time in my lifetime this kind of fever happened.
anyway, assessing my situation now, i cant move forward because ive changed. ive trained myself for this situation, this predicament. i saw this coming years ago so i prepared for this point in time but ive been changed. and that change in me is rendering my preparations useless. and its all because i deviated from the plan. i have no one to blame but myself. what pisses me off is that no matter how much i try to bring my old self back, i cant reach the same level i already achieved before. im substantially my old self but not quite. the fact the realization and the awareness remains just makes it impossible to revert. much as i want to forget, my will is not strong enough to erase things that should be erased. and a part of me took measures to ensure that i wont be able to distort the memory. there will always be something to remind me.
given my current situation, it make me wonder, if we have free will, how come the choice i made is being made difficult or close to impossible to achieve?
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