i just saw my grade school crush on facebook...by accident. last time i saw her was in grade 1 and i never saw her again since then. but i remember her name and how she looked. and now, she looked a bit older for her age but she still looked pretty.
so that brings me down to...two grade school crushes im searching for. wait...three. but i have no idea how i will find the third one since i forgot her name already.
i also accidentally saw someone who was a very good friend of mine back in high school. but due to pride and irrational self-worth, i never talked to him again simply because i dont want to apologize and i dont want to ask for forgiveness.
now that im looking back at my past, life would or could be a lot better or at least interestingly different if...
i stayed in School of Saint Anthony for one more year. or maybe stayed there and finished high school there. i wouldnt be a school hopper and i wouldnt be afraid to form relationships. ever since i changed my school and in a way lost my friends, i started thinking that wherever i go, im merely passing by and the people i meet wont be there for long. but had i stayed there until high school, given my innate curiosity and the kind of freedom i had then, i could have ended up as a drug addict and knocked someone up already. but if i did stay there, since i was a hyperactive kid, i would have been involved in sports and probably ended up playing for the school varsity (even if i dont exercise, im amused how agile my body still is and how good my reflexes are. the only problem i have is stamina since im really out of shape). philosophy wouldnt have gotten me and i wont be the silent and pensive person i am now. my world view would be different and i would have remained to be that talkative kid who always ended up in the noisy list (and i had to bribe the class president one time so i wont be in the list and be humiliated in front of the school assembly). or i could have died earlier since ive had a bunch of accidents in that street we used to live in. or i would have stayed aggressive and assertive...and obnoxious. i always wanted to be the center of attention. i loved the attention. i always thought of ways to get the people's attention. i was a performer.
had i stayed in that school, i would have ended up in UST or UP and not Ateneo. either i remained to be a serious student...or became really complacent because i got involved in sports or became a drug addict. had i remained to be a very serious student, i would have passed the UPCAT. i was a competitive kid when it comes to grades. i always wanted to be in the top 10 of the class. to a certain extent, i remained that way in high school but around 3rd and 4th year, i realized the grading system and the school system itself was really nonsense and having a college degree is something i didnt need. anyway, had i stayed in School of Saint Anthony, i think i wouldnt be this arrogant. and if i wasnt arrogant, i would have passed the UST interview and ended up taking architecture. i could have been an architect and all three of us (me and my siblings) would be in similar lines of work.
but thats not what happened. i transferred to SVS and finished sixth grade there and graduated with people i only knew for a year. i felt out of place since they knew each other for years. i didnt know where to fit in. then i transferred again to CSQC. what made it bad was it was an all boys school. gained good friends there but lost a few good ones too because of my arrogance and excessive pride. since i wasnt the warm, friendly and very cheerful person i once was because in my mind im going to stay in that school for only a few years whats the point of being friends with people im not going to see again after a few years (now im starting to realize that i might have some kind of separation anxiety disorder which could be related to my "rejectionist" attitude and anti-emotion beliefs), my attention were then focused on acads and thinking of philo stuff. so i became really fucking serious and i just sucked the fun out of everything. i started asking why questions and started hating a lot of things. then i ended up in ateneo which was my third choice among the four colleges i considered applying. it took me years to accept the fact that i could love the academic institution. met good friends there too but i already developed an irrational fear of relationships and attachment problems (and whenever i try to get rid of it, it gets reinforced by not so good experiences). it took me years to finally trust some of them. same thing happened in law school. people just had to be patient with me before i become comfortable with the company. and now im in a new cycle of adjusting. it really takes me years to adjust on a personal level.
well, life didnt really turn out to be that bad. i met interesting people in SVS and CSQC. ateneo is one of the best universities in the country. im in one of the best law schools in the country. met good friends in all these schools. im working for a really good NGO, with a nice working environment, with a salary which isnt bad for a first employment and for a kind of work that is not really my line of expertise. so from an objective point of view, im doing very well and im lucky to be where i am. but looking at my grade school and high school classmates and where they are now, i dont think im any better or better off even if they keep saying that compared to them, im in a much better position. they keep saying they're proud of what ive accomplished but what is there to be proud of really?
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