sing, until your lungs give out

ive been singing a lot lately. i sing in the morning when im getting ready for work. i sing in the evening while im checking my emails and browsing stuff on the internet. i sing during idle moments like sitting on a bench, waiting for something.

this started when i changed my state of mind (mid-september, almost three weeks ago). when i managed to put my positive self on the "driver's seat". so my negative self is just on the back seat, probably sulking. anyway, i think the reason for singing a lot isnt really because of the positive mood. but more of a manifestation of my talkative self. since i have no one to talk to, might as well just sing. instead of feeling frustrated that everyone's busy with their lives and no time to just sit and talk a while, might as well sing. since no one has enough energy to talk to me for hours on a daily basis and since no one has the same free time as i do, might as well sing. so singing is just a way to keep my sanity? actually, im insanely sane for a person of my personality. so its not a matter of keeping my sanity but more of not giving my negative self enough fuel to take back the driver's seat. i have reasons for bringing out this side of me at this moment in time and until i have done what i intend to do, negative self better stay put at the backseat.

this used to be the pensieve format

ive been roaming a lot lately. up and about but not yet bouncing off the walls. like this past week for example

last friday, i had a court hearing in the morning. i thought the pre-trial was going to push through but for the nth time, it didnt because the oppposing party filed a motion, which hasnt reached me because of the incredible pace of registered mail. so naturally, i asked for time to comment on such motion. right after the hearing, i headed to camp karingal to look for a detainee. i thought the camp was located near camp crame and camp aguinaldo. so after asking the police officer who happened to be at the Annapolis MRT station to go somewhere, i learned that the camp was located at Sikatuna and was just 15 minutes away from my law office.

i spent a couple of hours in camp karingal talking to the detainee, then off i went to the Securities and Exchange Commission only to be told its too late for me to check the case file so i just scheduled an appointment. since i was tired and sweaty since ive been to a lot of places already and the day was just about half over, i decided to look for a spa with body massage. checked megamall (the price was too high), shang ri la, greenhills and then back to megamall only to come back to the first spa i went to and found out they have a promo where i can get a much cheaper back massage with a n% discount (cant remember how much). then after the massage, had videoke with a couple of college friends until more or less 2am

the following day, had a lunch meeting with a high school friend. then went to cubao for dinner with my family since it was my father's birthday. then after the dinner, went to UP Ayala Technohub to check out the food there.

the following day, i was planning to watch a movie but since i was still feeling tired with what i did last friday and saturday, i decided to just sleep a bit more only to be told to go to my cousin's new restaurant for its opening. there i ate to my heart's content because most of the food i ate were free (as lawyer's fee for the camp karingal thing).

then monday, after finishing some legal research, im back to the Securities and Exchange Commission. ate some korean food then went to the spa i just went to last friday.

on tuesday, i watched Resident Evil on Imax. alone. because my movie buddy, the girl i used to date, is no longer talking to me. and i really liked this installment of Resident Evil because of Ada Wong. now im interested in buying the Resident Evil PS3 game. i want to see more Ada Wong.

then yesterday, i was at the NCMH for an exam, then went to megamall, then trinoma, then sm north, then back to my bed at home because i was really sleepy because i woke up at 4am.

and now thursday, i was planning to either jog or see a movie. that didnt happen. the rainy weather made me want to just stay at home and enjoy the cold air.

the thing is, with what im currently doing, it really makes me feel that the world is too slow for me. if some people can keep up, then well and good. if not, then...i will try to reach back and pull them with me. my previous attitude was, just leave them behind. now, im just going to drag them along if they can keep up with the ride. i dont know. right now, im not trying to think about things too much. if i notice im starting to give something too much thought, i drop the deep thought and act instead. my gut feel is always correct but it rarely kicks in. im training myself to bring out my gut feel more often. and im digressing

Nooooo!!! why S8E02!? why!?

why kill the character in HIMYM that i really like! damn it!!!!

well, not literally dead. its just, why cant she stay for at least half a season longer? or maybe the character isnt dead yet. maybe she's still going to remain as a "non-romantic partner" member of the cast? unlikely. but im hoping. maybe ive grown attached to the character because she reminds me of someone. maybe its a good thing the character is gone? i dont know. i just really liked her character. i think.

im no longer excited to watch episode 3. sigh.

cyber say what now?

so netizens are protesting the cyber crime law. i dont think we can blame most of the senators who signed it for such blunder (meaning there's a couple or maybe a single senator that can be held accountable for it). i mean, when you review a bill, its not as simple as just reading it (and im going to assume that our legislators involved in it had no ulterior motives in its passage). without going into the behind the scenes part, sometimes you ask the authors why the bill needs to be passed and by the time they read it, some of their minds have been conditioned the same way a salesperson conditions the mind of a buyer. you tend to miss some details, details that the salesperson wants the buyer not to notice. im not trying to protect the lapse made by the senators, im just saying we dont live in an ideal world and its not as simple as most people think. and this is already a very simplified version on how a draft bill is considered and reviewed in an ideally realistic setting.

im against the cyber crime law for the simple reason that it is prone to abuse and gives the unconstitutional license to abridge freedom of expression and free speech (so the law itself isnt as bad as it looks, if the State wont abuse its provisions. but like im going to discuss, its very unlikely that the law wont be abused). i think this is what the senators missed. we dont live in an ideal world. much as they want to "regulate", if not "supress" abusive use of the freedom of expression (like any freedom given by the Constitution, there's a limitation), the law, unfortunately, makes it possible for the "regulator" or the State to abuse the law as well. herein lies my problem with it. as Friedrich Engels said "some laws of state aimed at curbing crime are more criminal". if only there's an assurance that the law wont be abused, the law itself can achieve its ends without trampling on the citizens' constitutionally given freedoms. unfortunately, with the current state of the law, the government cannot give such assurance. sure no law is perfect, but not because no law is perfect means we arent going to strive to make it better. thats why amendments can be made. to make it adapt to the changing socio-political and economic environment. i think what pissed off the netizens is that this law is so imperfect that obvious amendments could have been done before its passage.

in a completely unrelated note, one senator is saying that the provisions on libel is needed because of the abusive conduct of netizens. im sorry but ive been receiving such "abusive conduct" since grade school from my grade school teachers during class, with manifest malicious intent, yet that didnt bother me for the simple reason that im not insecure or gosh darn sensitive. ive been called names, insulted without much provocation and all i did was prove them wrong. i didnt cry about it. i didnt whine about it. i didnt ask anyone to shut them people up. why? because i was mature enough, at the age of 9, to handle criticism, whether baseless or not. you make your own reputation. other people wont be able to tarnish your reputation if you are a well-respected person. people will defend you, will act on your behalf, if you are a person worth protecting. now, if you cant handle people calling you names, you must really think of yourself as someone so high and mighty with a god-complex. you dont demand respect. you earn it.

holy crap! what does it mean!?

im still haunted by the two digit number 59. is it psychological? i dont think so. there came a time (maybe a week or two) that i didnt see or notice the number. but since last week, ive been encountering it frequently. again!

its on my stored value MRT ticket (balance: P59.00). its on the digital clock when i check the time (the time is 9:59). its on my receipt (your change is P20.59). its my order number (your order will be given in 10 minutes sir, here's your queue number: 59). so is it like jim carrey's film the number 23? i better check my fantasy basketball roster and see if i drafted a player with a 59 jersey. maybe he's going to be my lucky player. i cant really see any reason why i keep noticing the number 59. certainly, it cant correspond to number of days or months since there's no starting day or month to peg on. i cant recall when i started to feel i was being haunted by this number. i certainly hope it does not correspond to the age of the woman im going to like. thats just...unimaginable. age of my death? it doesnt make sense to be aware of it now. is it really just meaningless? the universe's way of playing a joke? well, i can see the humor in it. or is it a sign like the little black dress? or is the little black dress a joke too? meh. in any case, im going to shrug it off since its really vague. this is just a note to self

Finally!

HIMYM Season 8!

Episode Quote:

Klaus:	Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. She’s my beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand…it means the thing that is almost the thing that you want, but it’s not quite. That is Victoria to me.
Ted:	How do you know she’s not lebenslangerschicksalsschatz? Maybe as the years go by she’ll get lebenslangerschicksalsschatz…ier?
Klaus:	lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously. It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin…have you ever felt this way about someone?
Ted:	…I think so.
Klaus:	If you have to think about it, you have not felt it.
Ted:	And you’re absolutely sure you’ll find that someday?
Klaus:	Of course. Everyone does eventually…you just never know when or where.

Source: http://how-i-met-your-mother.wikia.com/wiki/Farhampton

Kim Hyoyeon

sort of hit the spot. sort of.

its 1am and im having trouble sleeping. so what do i do? go to facebook. then a pop message appeared at the corner of my screen and its says "God wants You to know". and here is what God wants me to know, according to the pop-up message: 

"On this day of your life, Tristofer, we believe God wants you to know ... that every time you pretend to love, you impoverish yourself more and more.

Love has great potential to enrich your life. But if you are just playing a role, pretending to love, it's only going to poison you. Because you are teaching yourself that it's just a game, and slowly but surely you will lose the capacity to open in love."

i dont normally read this "God wants You to know" pop-up but since its 1am and im trying to make myself sleepy, i gave it a try. 

i would like to react on the message but since im starting to feel drowsy, i better take advantage of it before it goes away. i really need to go to sleep since i have an early appointment with a client. 

still a Sone

before Psy's Gangnam Style, there was...Carly Rae's Call Me Maybe. since i learned about this song when people already heard too much of it, im not sick and tired of it...yet.

i remember my siblings asking me if ive heard this song and they were surprised when i said i have no clue what the crap they were talking about. whats more surprising is the fact i havent seen its full music video. ive seen parts of it but i havent really watched it completely. the music video doesnt appeal to me. thankfully (or maybe not) someone made a video of visually pleasing entities and added Jepsen's annoyingly addictive song.

actually, im just trying to come up with something or write anything that would allow me to post the video. 

Phase 2 is now in effect

ive been testing theories about myself for months (just being the usually self-centered me). its part of the project called "merging personalities". not that i actually have multiple personalities but i adjust my self to whomever im facing. thats why im such an inconsistent person. or appear to be. ive been trying to pin point parts of those different "personalities" which are worth keeping, and discarding those traits that are...counter productive (or to put it in ordinary terms, determining one's strengths and weaknesses and addressing the weaknesses by getting rid of it). so merging these traits is like creating a stronger, better, faster, harder...me (or again, in simple terms, self-improvement). as if my ego isnt big enough, i had to fortify it with this to make it grow as large as jupiter...but this time i will inject myself with a dose of humility to make thy ego look like the size of what used to be a planet called pluto, or maybe much smaller...like the moon (still big. damn it ego! shrink down!)

i think im done with the theory testing stage. ive confirmed some, debunked some. ive mapped out potentially effective approaches and outlined a mode of action. the difficult part is the timetable. i thought the theory testing will last for a few more months but it seems ive ran out of theories to test. i think its time for phase 2. all systems go!

am i happier or am i happier?

i think i am. im 60% happy. this is an improvement because im usually 50-50 or less, even 30% even. that was my normal state of mind (and i miss it). not depressed. im just naturally not a happy person ever since i changed to my current self way back in high school. and this is a big deal for everyone except me.

the reason i said i think im happier now is because im less cranky most of the time. i think i dont wear my scowl anymore. i would say im 70% happy when i can readily smile with ease, meaning i dont have to think about smiling or having a conscious effort to smile. at 60%, i only have that semi-forced smile. its not like im forcing myself to smile but since its not my natural tendency to do it, i cant express my smile automatically (so im happy inside but i dont naturally express it). i have to consciously switch it on, like "oh, this is where a smile is appropriate". this means my positive emotional level has not reached the point where i can make my smile operate on auto-pilot. for me 80% happy is when i laugh a lot. really laugh. 90% happy is when im extremely excited about something that my body language shows it. i get this with stuff or people i really like. 100% is that point above 90%. i think i have more room for happiness above 90% so thats why there's a 100%. maybe thats when the elusive creature called love hits me with a delightfully soft pillow containing a handful of bricks. thats got to be it. 100% happy is when you have both pain and pleasure and still sincerely smile because you really are happy.

the only thing in sight is what I must do

i believe ive reached the point where i dont think in my work anymore. lawyering should be like rallying an army of brain cells to get the job done. i mean, the reason i took up law is for the intellectual stimulation. now, i just use a handful of brain cells who cares to volunteer to think about the legal problem.

not that i mastered law itself. far from it. very far from it. i rarely master anything. its just my mind would rather be busy with non-legal matters and lawyering has reached a routinary point. like there's a template i can refer to with the kind of legal problems that i encounter. gone are the peculiar cases i got when i was still in the UP Office of Legal Aid (or my initial months in law practice). The cases assigned to me then made people wonder how in whose whatever's name such a case was accepted and why am i the one handling it. that is why a law blockmate joked, the reason it was assigned to me is because its challenging. i couldnt be given anything less. it was dubbed as the curious cases of tristofer troisvallees. my baseless reputation of being some genius precedes me.

i dont know. the older i get, the more i develop an aversion for intellectual stimulation (the same way i developed an aversion for beer and coffee). like, its overrated, its tiring and not worth it. i should spend my time in stuff i enjoy. problem is, what do i enjoy? thinking! well, i used to enjoy it. now, i just want my mind to be blank and be an airhead. sometimes i do feel envious of dumbasses.

this is the problem with merging personalities. i have to face personalities which directly contradicts the dominant personality and try to figure out how to assimilate it. sometimes i wonder whether im doing the right thing. but i already told myself months ago that when i pose such question before me, i should get rid of the doubt and answer "yes!" this has to be done. i think this wanna-be-airhead part of me is the side of me that hated my guts for growing up too fast, for taking life seriously at an early age. the one that asked why do i have to aim for superiority over ordinary people? why cant i let myself enjoy life the way it wanted me to? well, what can i say, idiots really pissed me off when i was in high school and i didnt want to be one of them.

going back to normal in 3,2,1...

i think my usual life has returned. i mean, august was...tolerable but a pain in the ass nonetheless. last august was much better than the previous ones (i wasnt as "unlucky" compared to the augusts of previous years) but maybe because it brought something tragic. my grandmother died last month and it really took me out of my daily routine.

my grandmother has been confined in a couple of hospitals for more than month before she died mid-august. i visited her...i think often enough. i saw her health deteriorate as weeks passed by. well there were times when she got better, then there were just days where her health just abruptly turned for the worse. so when the news came that she passed away, i was half-expecting it already. i mean, she died on a monday morning. i visited her two days before, or saturday afternoon to be exact and her condition then was the worst ive seen since i started visiting her. the next time i saw her, sunday night, she was already in a coma after being revived from a cardiac arrest.

im not close to my grandparents. my grandparents from my paternal side died when i was still in grade school. my maternal grandfather was an "absentee grandfather" and only returned when he was already very ill. he was probably clueless who the hell i was. my maternal grandmother, the only grandparent i really knew, was ok. we rarely talked. i dont know. i just didnt grow close to her and it made me feel like i grew up with no grandparents. only when i was asked to speak during her wake that i realized its not entirely true, i mean, feeling that i grew up with no grandparent.

i acknowledged my maternal grandmother as the head of the clan and in a way, she's the tie that binds all of us in our family. as i said in her wake, my grandmother is prone to favoritism and i am not one of her favorites. she has tendency to love the people around her in unequal amounts but that doesnt change the fact the she loves all of us. i may not be one of those who receives a lot of love from her but i cant deny the fact that she tried to express her love for me, in her own simple ways, no matter how little compared to my other cousins, just to make me feel that she does love me. to receive love from someone who underwent the kind of pain and suffering she experienced is something that should be appreciated for its comes from a person with such a big heart. to ask for more is to ask her to be perfect, which is unreasonable for my part since she has done so much when ive done so little or nothing at all for her. 

anyway, now she is resting in peace with the man she fell in love with and truly cared about. i honestly think she is in a much better place. and i am surprised that despite our very minimal interactions, i am going to miss her

this song will never be the same again...

well, maybe a little tainted. this song will now remind me of that night...i was asked to stay until 2:30am (which i did) despite the fact i have a court hearing/pretrial in a civil case hours later, which i have not adequately prepared for. so the opposing counsel was able to take advantage of the fact that my brain cells werent working that morning. and i risked my client's case for what? well, at that moment, it looked like she was worth it. seriously, its like one bad decision after another. i really gots to get rid of my pair of bad decision jeans.

anyway, i remember hearing this song way back when i was a little kid during the wonderful decade called the 80s. i associate this song with the 1986 movie "The Fly". of course, my memory may not be accurate but from what i remember...i was watching TV, sitting on the floor, channel 9, then there was this commercial about a film starring Jeff Goldblum which has some monster in it, with some night scenes of the 80s, and the background music was Roxette's Dangerous. this memory flashes in my head everytime i hear the song. i also remember the time i lost in a spelling bee when i was in Grade 1 because i forgot to write the letter "o" when i was spelling the word "dangerous".

im in the mood to be stubborn and hard to convince

i was supposed to have a court hearing today. but even before i put on my barong, i already read a tweet saying that the supreme court suspended work in metro manila courts. i was waiting for the announcement last night because i thought, even if it stopped raining, most likely, there are court personnel, clients and witnesses who might be in evacuation centers or badly hit by the "horrible" weather yesterday or wont be able to make it due to the flooded roads. the court hearings will be plagued by resettings. also, judges and lawyers are humans too with families of their own. the justice system in metro manila will have to adjust to the fortuitous event that occurred yesterday. but then again, the suspension might be for another purpose. im digressing.

despite the tweet stating that work in metro manila courts have been suspended, being the skeptic that i am, i tried to verify the truthfulness of the tweet by trying to trace its origin (like when i saw a photo of Girls' Generation's Sooyoung wearing a "I Heart Philippines" shirt. the photo really looked legit but i thought it had to be a fake. sure, she's been here in the Philippines so there is a possbility she bought a souvenir shirt but i dont think its something that she will wear as "airport fashion" and i dont recall any of them wearing souvenir shirts in the places theyve been to. in the end, it was really a fake photo). i couldnt trace the origin or the source of the information of the tweet so i had doubts whether its really true. irresponsible tweets plague twitter so i tried checking the supreme court website. no announcement. i checked twitter again, GMA news tweeted it. still, i doubted it since i want to see an article about it and not just a tweet saying according to so and so. checked Inquirer.net. theres an article saying that there is in fact a suspension but when i clicked the link, there's no article. crap. im not satisfied with just an article title, even if its from an online newspaper. just when i was about to wear my barong, i received a text message from our law office that the supreme court suspended work in the metro manila courts. still, im not 100% convinced. i wore my barong and went to the Hall of Justice, only to be told by the guard that the supreme court suspended work for today. only then did i text my client that we wont be having a hearing today.   

its better to be safe than sorry. in case the tweet wasnt true, it will be difficult to explain to the judge that the reason my client and i didnt attend today's hearing because i read a tweet saying that according to the supreme court spokesperson, the work in metro manila courts were suspended on 08 August 2012. the pretty judge in the court im supposed to be at would just say "really counsel? you expect me to accept such an explanation?"

damn it august! what are you up to?

unprecedented rain fell yesterday. while this is unfortunate for more or less thousands of citizens, probably even a million, this is, sadly, fortunate for me. i mean, fortunate in sense because i like rain. well, close to loving it actually. the cold weather yesterday was wonderful. not perfect to force me to use a blanket when i sleep, but enough to be wonderful. all i really want is cold weather.

last weekend, i taunted the heavens, as i was rushing home from a quick purchase at CDR King. since it didnt rain during the time i was outside, i looked up at the dark, cloudy, evening sky and said "rain, lets dance". 24 hours later, it was raining non-stop. as usual, i was inside my home.

the following day, i was supposed to go to the office despite the news of countless miserable citizens who fell victim to the merciless continouous rain. as i was about to put on my pants, i received a text message telling me that there's no work for the day due to bad weather. i still wanted to go outside since its the perfect weather for hot chocolate but laziness got to me and decided to just lay in bed, sleep and savor the cold weather. so i wasnt affected by the floods or got soaked in the torrential rain. i procrastinated for another day instead of finishing the pleading i need to finish before friday. i really didnt want to ruin the nice weather with work.

the day after, today, it was still raining when i woke up. but when i stepped outside, the rain turned into a light harmless drizzle. by the time i reached the office, it was barely raining and the sun was peeking through the clouds. the same thing happened when i went out for lunch. it didnt rain the whole time i was out for lunch. it rained again when i was back inside my office room.

at least when i was heading home, with my laptop in my bag, hanging on my left shoulder, holding a mcdonalds hot chocolate with my left hand and an umbrella on my right hand, i got soaked from the knee down because finally, my beloved rain got to me. my chucks squeaked as i walked and i could feel my soggy socks. sadly, i can hardly call it a dance. maybe another day.

i would say the circumstances remain favorable to me. august, youre acting weird. it appears my luck is still with me and i have not been reduced to a mere average mortal. its not making me paranoid. not yet. but now that i have written this, august would probably come at me with its teeth bared, wearing a malevolent grin.

occasional hodgepodge of the scrambled mind

i have a pleading due by monday which i need to finish before friday because i need to have it signed by around 24 clients on saturday. i dont want to ruin this nice night with work. i really should stop being lazy.

while listening to FOB, on this very rainy night, i was reminded of my YM picture back in 2010 (i checked my YM message archive to verify the time i used this YM picture since someone made a comment about it). i havent used YM for quite some time now and after going online for just a few seconds, seeing a few friends online, im still not in the mood to use it. maybe by the end of the year. i dunnow

anyway, i ended up listening to two FOB albums. i really like the way they give titles to their songs. reminds me of how i used to think of my email subjects. and to a certain extent, blog titles.

i wish its september 24 already. i want to watch a TV series.

a just read a tweet that said "happy people listen to music while sad people listen to the lyrics". i was listening to the music then i took notice of the lyrics. i guess that's when the YM picture entered the...picture.


**** *********
"Oh baby, you're a classic like a little black dress. You're a faded moon stuck on a little hot mess"

"I don't just want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness."

"I wanna scream, "I love you," from the top of my lungs but I'm afraid that someone else will hear me."

"So boycott love. Detox just to retox. And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life"

"We had a good run; even I have to admit. Life's just a pace-call on death. Only less diligent. Hell or Glory, I don't want anything in between"

"Blame everyone but me for this mess and my back has been breaking from this heavy heart. We never seemed so far. I'm hopelessly hopeful, that you're just hopeless enough. But we never had it at all"

**** ********* 

***** ********* ********
"It's just past eight, and I'm feeling young and reckless."

"You're just the girl all the boys want to dance with and I'm just the boy who's had too many chances
I don't blame you for being you but you can't blame me for hating it. So say, what are you waiting for? Kiss her, kiss her I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late. Write me off, give up on me, cause darling, what did you expect. I'm just off a lost cause, a long shot, don't even take this bet"

"Oh baby, when they made me, they broke the mold. Girls used to follow me around, then I got cold"

"You only hold me up like this. Cause you don't know who I really am. I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive. Now I only waste it dreaming of you"

"What makes you so special? I'm gonna leave you, I'm gonna teach you. How we're all alone"

"Am I more than you bargained for yet? I've been dyin' to tell you anything you want to hear 'Cause that's just who I am this week"

"Cause I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it"

"I must confess, I'm in love with my own sins."

"I keep my jealousy close, 'cause it's all mine. and if you say this makes you happy, then I'm not the only one lying."

"Keep quiet,nothing comes as easy as you. Can I lay in your bed all day? I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake."

"I keep telling myself I'm not the desperate type but you've got me looking in through blinds"

"I found the cure to growing older and you're the only place that feels like home. Just so you know, you'll never know and some secrets weren't meant to be told."

"I don't care what you think as long as it's about me. The best of us can find happiness in misery."

*************************

- lyrics from various songs from FOB's  From Under the Cork Tree and Folie à Deux albums

YM picture came from Green Day's 21st Century Breakdown album

its the most...worrisome time of the year

i should be on full alert for the next 25 days. so far, august has been bearable. just a little minor glitches here and there. what's been confusing me is that my rain repellant self is still active. whenever i go outside, the rain stops. when im safe indoors, the heavy rain suddenly pours.

for example, a few days ago, after visiting our grandmother in the hospital, my brother and i decided to stop by mcdonalds to get some twister fries. i joked that i didnt need an umbrella because it wont rain if im exposed to it. there's some considerable distance between our house and the nearest mcdonalds and its been raining for more than a week. true enough, it didnt rain until we got home. had the rain decided to drop five minutes earlier, i would have been soaking wet.

same thing happened last night. i was rushing to go to CD R King Eton Centris because it was near closing time. through out my commute, it didnt rain until i was indoors. thats why my umbrella was very much useless yesterday.

im not quite lucky today. i had to use the umbrella. but the strong rain didnt pour until i got home. normally, if august was feeling like its usual self, i would be soaking wet from the rain or some puddle due to a speeding vehicle.

although im still lucky with the weather, which makes it easy for me to enjoy the cold air, i was unlucky with the mcdonalds cashier. it really ruined the twister fries experience. mcdonalds crew Mae of Mcdonald's matalino charged me an additional P16 or something because she didnt hear my order correctly. instead of giving me the twister fries and float meal, she thought i just ordered twister fries. when i pointed out her mistake, she just added the coke floats instead of correcting the order. thats why my order ended up with an additional P16. normally i wouldnt mind the few extra pesos but i was also buying twister fries for my parents and my sister. she did the same thing to the other customers ahead me (i mean, she also got their orders wrong). i was tempted to email a complaint but i thought, she might be overworked or distracted. everyone needs a break. especially if its august.

am in a horror movie?

woke up this morning only to be told to check the circuit breaker because our dining room and my brother's bedroom had some short circuit earlier this morning. so i checked the fuse box, fiddled with the switches and poof! the electricity in our dining room and my brother's bedroom is back. but ever since then, ive been hearing some scratching/electric surge kind of noise (when i switched off the TV, when im near the kitchen sink, while i was passing by our office window). then i thought, "its august. anything that could wrong could possibly go wrong. i am stripped of my powers of luck."

well, last night, i was still lucky. i was asked to buy some cough medicine at a nearby drugstore. while i was heading home, the moment i stepped inside our garage, heavy rain suddenly poured. now, from our garage, there is still an open space before i reach our building. the rain stopped exactly when i was walking on that open space. the sudden heavy downpour continued the moment i stepped in the covered area of our building. this is something that usually happens to me and thats how i manage not getting wet even if i dont use an umbrella. the rain "magically" stops when im outside (not 100% of the time of course but maybe half of the time). i thought i still have some luck left. unfortunately, that might be the last one until it returns on september.

going back to the electric surge kind of noise, my laptop sort of went haywire earlier this morning too. the power indicator suddenly blinked. thats weird. its not supposed to blink unless the laptop is in sleep mode. i dont use  sleep mode. then the battery indicator suddenly went off. thats weirder since my laptop is plugged in. i checked the outlet and there's electricity. maybe the indicators are just acting up? then the laptop monitor went dim. it meant that its in power saving mode. again, it cant go to power saving mode since its plugged in and the power saving mode is disabled. i quickly switched the laptop off since it looks like its losing power even if its plugged in. when i used it again in the office, its working A-Ok again.

its raining, there's the howling wind and i ocassionally hear an electric surge/scratching noise when im alone. did i just go crazy? is this like a warning that i should be mindful of electricity? that a misfortune that's electricity related might happen? final destination freak accident kind of thing? i'll just listen to f(x)'s electric shock.

Wish I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't

just do it, nike said. so i did. when in doubt, just do it (when it should be dont). so i kept...just doing it. well, i ended finding myself in tricky and sticky situations. i gave myself "ghosts" that will continue to haunt me. i dug myself holes with depths that amazes me. all for the sake of beating the boredom? sometimes. sometimes i just roll the dice and couldnt care less where it takes me. im too old for this shit. im no longer young to set the world on fire and burn brighter than the sun.

there are moments when i wonder how the hell did i end up as a lawyer? well, a friend also asks that same question, sort of. he wonders how people could entrust their legal woes, and to a certain extent their lives, to a man such as he. as for me? the way i see it, i just kept picking up the shot glasses served before me, drinking it up and rolling the dice and the next thing i know, im done with law school, im done with the bar exams and now im a lawyer, inching towards my second year of law practice.

i dont mean i partied a lot when i said shot glasses. im a homebody. i meant, i just kept mindlessly doing things regardless of the consequences just because its seemed like a good idea at that moment. or just do reckless and immature things just to let the time pass by, not really mindful of the future, thinking im going to drop dead soon enough. well, im still alive and sort of kicking. im afraid i will have to face the reality that i might live beyond 30. that sucks. aside from getting old, its difficult to answer im thirty something when im asked about my age without feeling like a dinosaur. i already feel old when i hear the song Dangerous by Roxette because i remember listening to it when i was in grade school.

its hard to believe that i dont think of my future when im that guy who always has a plan. do i really look like a guy with a plan? sure i plan a lot. i think of the future a lot but my actions contradict those thoughts. i think i just plan to exercise them brain cells and to at least give me some comfort that im thinking about my future. but i rarely even go through with the plan. well, long term plans. its easy to comply with the short term ones that addresses the present situation. actually i plan a lot less now compared before. in the grand scheme of things...nah, the universe can just fuck off. just call me when you need me cosmic one. when you think there's the need to shake things a bit. ill be at the bar having a drink or in a restaurant savoring a meal or in a coffee shop sipping some tasty hot chocolate. sounds like a...not so bad plan. where at the end of the day, i just want to sit on a sturdy stool or comfy couch and let my mind wander aimlessly, not a care in the world, then sleep and then wake up in the morning and face a stress free work day. i just want a simple life. i wish i didnt. maybe i do. i dont know.

familiarity breeds contempt vs. stranger danger...isnt it just the same thing?

i just read my horoscope and it said i should know the person ive recently started to date very well before i get myself overly involved in the relationship. it said "VERY well". boom! wake up call in the form of a horoscope. i realized im already in too deep that i should wiggle my way out before i get too tangled in it. the pimple on my nose was already a warning sign.

if im no longer thinking straight, im treading dangerous waters and i could end up a victim of the game i thought i know how to play well. i dont even know how to play anything well. i just play and throw the dice and hope luck would save the day. since its august, holy crapshoot, im dead. i need...to get myself a hobby...maybe for just a month or two.

i think i'll just listen to another somewhat appropriate FOB song...

"I found the cure to growing older

And you're the only place that feels like home

Just so you know, you'll never know

And some secrets weren't meant to be told

But I found the cure to growing older

I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends

And I am sorry my conscience called in sick again

And I've got arrogance down to a science

Oh, and I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends

[Chorus: x2]

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's

So fitting, so fitting of the way you are

You can't cover it up

Can't cover it up

Find a safe place, brace yourself, bite your lips

I'm sending your fingernails and empty bottles you've sipped

Back to your family cause I know you will be missed

So you can find a safe place, brace yourself

They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone

But for what we've become, we just feel more alone

Always weigh what I've got against what I left

So progress report: I am missing you to death

[Chorus: x2]

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's

So fitting, so fitting of the way you are

You can't cover it up

Can't cover it up

Someone old

No one new

Feeling borrowed

Always blue

Someone old

No one new

Feeling borrowed

Always blue

Someone old

No one new

Feeling borrowed

Always blue

Someone old

No one new

Always borrowed

Always you

I found a cure to growing older

I found a cure to growing older

[Chorus: x2]

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's

So fitting, so fitting of the way you are

You can't cover it up

Can't cover it up"

Tiffany Hwang

its a sign

while i was writing one of the blog entries below in a internetless place, i happened to scratch my nose and i noticed that i have a pimple. not just an ordinary pimple. a big red juicy looking pimple. i quickly went to the bathroom to see it on the mirror and when i saw it i immediately thought "its a sign!".

i normally dont have big red juicy looking pimples on my nose unless i have strong feelings for someone. i first realized this coincidence back in 2009. back in 2009, i had a big red pimple just like the one i have now. i thought back then that the last time i had such a pimple was in 2006. it left a mark (actually these kind of pimples leave noticeable impressions of their two week stay and yup, it usually lasts for more or less two weeks). i remember when it manifested itself in 2006 because i was bothered going out on a date with such a big red pimple. then i started to notice the other pimple marks and i remember the one i had during the latter half of 2000. it was the first big red. then i noticed another pimple mark and i realized it was during the latter half of 2004. thats when i started to see the pattern. i get these eye magnet pimples every time i really like someone. when i say "really like", i mean those that make me entertain the thought of being in a serious relationship. the fact i have one now confirms that coincidence. or at least somehow convinces me that im developing serious feelings for someone i thought i was just fooling around with (cant believe i put that much trust on a pimple).

of all the possible manifestations, it just had to be a big, shiny, red pimple on my nose which leaves a mark after it goes away. a constant reminder of my strike outs. well, the first big red pimple isnt a strike out since i wasnt even able to initiate anything. she was gone even before i could do anything. as for my current pimple...it wont be a strike out since im still bound by my promise. unless i decide to be like peter parker in the recent spiderman movie where the best promises are the ones you cant keep. i should get a tattoo on my right hand which says "NO!!!" so whenever i have to urge to break my promise, all i have to do is look at my right palm and remind myself how painful it is to get the tattoo.

captains log, july twenty third, eight o five p.m.

im here in bicol for a hearing im attending tomorrow. since there is no internet connection where im staying, i would probably post this on the same date of my hearing, meaning the same date i come back home in QC. im only staying here for two days and a little over than 24 hours. got up around 3:30am so i could be at the airport by 4:30am for a 6:30am flight. on my first day here, i met some clients to ask for clarifications and have them check their affidavits (and sign the affidavits if its in accordance to what they stated). normally, its the clients that would visit me in the law office in QC but since im here in bicol already, might as well do as much to maximize the trip (aside from the fact our law firm partner instructed me to do so). on my second day, im attending a labor case. right after the labor case, im just going to have lunch, get my stuff then head to the airport.

the hours in between meeting clients and attending a hearing, i used to look at my "stuff to think about" folder. yup. i just made a folder called "stuff to think about" the night before i left for bicol and put files that i need to think about. i figured, i wont be spending an entire day reviewing the case file for my hearing so might as well get other things done. since its going to be quiet and peaceful being alone in a guest room, just like being holed up in a hotel during the bar exams, might as well do those stuff that needs a bit of contemplating or serious thought. and after getting some thinking done...which involves spending lots of money...im tempted to roll the dice yet again. God doesnt play dice. but i do. unfortunately, i do. like being in the heat of the moment then the realization there's no condom in my wallet and i ask "risk it?" and she answers quickly "risk it!!!". if im in the mood to be a jerk i would ask "are you sure?". she would say "yes! damn it". then i would take out a waiver form freeing me from any liability that may arise nine months after the incident (wow. i think this waiver is a nice idea. not as a binding agreement of course since its like courting disbarment but it would be nice to see the facial expression the form will induce). hmm. i think im good with this kind of gambling. i just hope i can make people give their consent and sign contracts this way. so you want to risk your half a million savings to a currently stable company in an unpredictable economy? wait...according to my "stuff to think about" folder, im the one being asked to risk it. sigh. most likely i will. life is a crapshoot.

i dont remember why i was at the mall last week

i was with my siblings at SM North last sunday and we ate at Bon Chon. first time i ate there, i really didnt get why people like the place so much. i didnt like the chicken. but my brother said he liked it so a few weeks later, i found myself trying it again. well, i wont say its good but close enough. its not as bad as the first time i tried it.

anyway, im writing this not because of the food but because of the service. we were there around noon so the place was crammed. there werent any seats available so there were some "vultures" roaming around looking for tables with its occupants finishing their meal. i hate being a "vulture". my mother always asks me to do that back when we always ate at food courts. while standing in line, she would tell me to try to snag a seat once a table becomes vacant. so, i would stand beside a table, watching those occupying it finish their food. i know it makes them uncomfortable because ive been at the receiving end several times but what can i do, were an overpopulated city and thats what we get when we dont control our population. comfort and convenience becomes a luxury the more populated we get (but then again, comfort and convenience are creatures of luxury, operating more within the zone of "wants" and not under "needs").

back to bon chon, since we were all hungry, i said since the line is long most likely by the time we get our orders taken, some seats would be vacant. the nice thing i liked about the service is that while we were standing in line, someone from bon chon asked if we have a table already. when we said we dont have one yet, the staff personally looked for a table for us. once she found a table for three, she reserved it. of course, everyone who was standing in line with no tables got the same treatment. there's no guarantee we will get a seat but the effort to give us seats by the time we get our orders taken is much appreciated. i hope other fast food restos adopt this kind of system.  

This seems appropriate at the moment

"Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "just friends". We're the kids who feel like dead ends. And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses. I took a shot and didn't even come close at trust and love and hope. And the poets are just kids who didn't make it, and never had it at all. And the record won't stop skipping. And the lies just won't stop slipping. And besides my reputation's on the line. We can fake it for the airwaves. Force our smiles, baby, half dead from comparing myself to everyone else around me. Please put the doctor on the phone 'cause I'm not making any sense. Blame everyone but me for this mess. And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart. We never seemed so far. I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough. But we never had it at all" - I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song); FOB

i dont know. this song just felt appropriate when i was listening to it earlier while walking inside the mall.

im on the brink of another financial crisis due to overspending and impulsive investments (and im contemplating spending even further once i get the phone call on wednesday. but its still manageable. will have to tap reserve funds). this is the kind of gambling i do. and i know that im not good with gambling. but no matter how much i lose, i never fall into debt. i can risk it all but i never risk more than what i have. and if i do risk it all, my disciplined self kicks in to get myself out of bankruptcy. sometimes i wonder if i purposely fall just to be able to summon my disciplined side which never gets tired of rising up again.

in addition to financial matters, im still drowning in a sea of work (still manageable) and despite having a lot of important matters to attend to, im trying to insert a relationship which i cant determine whether its serious or romantic or whatever it should be called. i underestimated myself yet again. im starting to see a 2-3 year cycle here. crap. my head hurts and sleep wont be able to make it go away.

no coffee, no cigarettes

earlier today, while sitting in my office, staring at the ceiling i thought, "gawd how i wish i have a cigarette in my hand right now". i wish i can still smoke. i was sitting in the middle of room, working with my door closed. it was mostly silent and peaceful (unfortunately, not deafeningly silent). ive been busy for quite some time now and suddenly having a moment to block out work thoughts and just stare at the ceiling in my quiet office room made me wish i can still smoke. it would calm me despite the pile of scattered paper on my desk and the blinking cursor on the affidavit that i was doing.

well, i can still smoke but ive programmed myself to remember how painful it is to cough whenever i pick up the nasty habit. and how terrible i felt whenever i catch a cold. just thinking about it made me think its not worth spending a couple of pesos for a stick of cigarette.

to make things worse, my body has developed an aversion to coffee. my immune system drops whenever i drink more than a cup of coffee. i also start to feel sick sometimes even if i just consumed one cup (depends on how stressed i am). i cant even drink one cup of coffee daily. if i do drink more than a cup of coffee, half of the time, i do get sick. it sucks. really does.

i really try not to drink coffee unless im desperate or cant control my craving for one. i cant remember the last time i even drank a cup of coffee. it wasnt that long, thats for sure. but its not as recent as three weeks ago. i was told i must have overdosed myself with coffee thats why my body developed some adverse reaction to it. who knew drinking half a liter of coffee in one sitting  was too much? cant blame my coffee maker for being able to brew a lot of coffee. and i really cant blame myself for not being capable of throwing that much good coffee down the drain. i just had to brew that much coffee whenever i use the coffee maker. now it just sits there gathering dust because my body rejects coffee like a virus to be purged.

im seriously going to be depressed the moment my body starts having a similar reaction against chocolates.

either...

the guy who who was supposed to synchronize the audio with the video had a hangover or the girls just find it difficult to sing in japanese...

i even changed my ringtone to Run Devil Run

more than a week ago, or last 30 june 2012, i tried to register for Outbreak Manila...half heartedly. i went to Toby's Sports at SM North EDSA The Block. The girl near the counter said that registration is at their main branch located at the main part of SM North EDSA but she was informed hours earlier that the registration was already closed since the slots were filled up earlier that day. my reaction was "oh. ok." i didnt feel disappointed. i didnt feel happy about it either (since i saved some money by not being able to participate).

thats why i said half-heartedly. although i do want to join the race, im not that eager to fight for slots. im thinking, i might not be in the mood come race day so i would prefer to register near the last day of registration. well, unlike voter's registration, the runners/participants dont wait until the last day of registration. it took just a little over a week since registration started before the slots were filled up. since its my first time to hear of this event, i was surprised how fast people registered. but then again, ive never been interested in participating in this kind of event so i wouldnt know the average time for slots to be filled.

well, even if im not going to participate in the event, at least i still jog whenever i have time (i try not to run since my left knee is acting up again). unfortunately, ever since i started jogging again, i rarely have time. i miss my "at least thrice weekly" routine. im lucky to be able to jog twice in a week. 

coincidence? not really. more like haunted by a name, number and a song

is it coincidence that i asked for rain last night and i was given rain today? maybe. maybe not. im not sure if i believe there's no such thing as coincidence. that everything happens for a reason. if there's no such thing as coincidence, then i dont know what to call most of the things in my life. i mean, my life is filled with a lot of coincidences.

a recent example is that i accidentally opened an old research file. i have an annoyingly malfunctioning mouse which double clicks by itself. while i was hovering the mouse pointer and scrolling down the list of research files, it suddenly clicked and opened a research file i made a year ago. i got pissed then closed it. minutes later, my boss called asking if i still have a particular research file because he was looking for his copy and he cant find it. surprisingly, the research file he was looking for was the one i just accidentally opened. so it saved me time finding it.

then there's the two digit number. ive been haunted by a two digit number for weeks (until today). its like everywhere i look, the number pops up. its on the building address, my computer clock, my order number, my receipt indicating the total price of the items i bought, some random person's basketball jersey, etc. but then again, ted mosby said that we have the tendency to see things we want to see. so do i want to see this particular two digit number? i dont know. when i randomly look at things, the number is there. 

then there's the female name. this name only haunted me for a week. how many sales ladies and cashiers have this name? whenever i look at the receipt (or their ID) on that particular week, their name is _____. meh. its just coincidence.

then there's the song "little respect" by wheatus. my favorite line in the song is "what religion or reason would drive a man to forsake his lover". i remember looking annoyed as i told a college friend about the lyrics. he was humming that part of the song because he cant remember the lyrics and i told it to him and it annoyed me because of all the parts he could forget in the song, thats the part he just had to forget. anyway, i was surprised to hear it at 6am in the morning in a fastfood restaurant. i havent heard it for more than half a decade. then later that day, when i opened my music player, wheatus' album was in the playlist and the last song the music player played was "little respect" (because when i clicked play, its the song it played). huh? that cant be right. am i having one of them fight club episodes? i keep hearing the song in various establishments days later. its just weird (especially the fact its the last song my music player played when i opened it).

having freedom makes it not so bad

a friend dropped by several times in my office a month ago and said that my office life aint that bad. i have the freedom that's rarely found in other law firms. sure i dont have a mentor but at least i have a fellow lawyer i can ask when i have questions. i dont have a law firm partner to supervise me but im a self-taught kind of guy. ever since 6th grade, i studied on my own (my mother being a teacher always supervised and helped us with our studies. whenever we have exams coming up, she would make questionnaires to test how well we mastered the subject). im a product of trial and error. fall down seven times, get up eight. as my friend said in law school, we belong to the order of the phoenix. we crash and burn and then rise from the ashes. we struggle, we fight, we live. thats how we managed to become lawyers (well, for me, i just kept on moving). of course we acknowledge the wisdom of our professors and we are grateful for what they have taught us but we always recognize the fact that it will always boil down to how eager we are to learn and our capability to think by ourselves (meh. we live, we learn. i think, therefore i am).

going back, being in a law firm which i described years ago as a sinking ship isnt as bad as it looks. its as good as any other firm. it offers variety of law practice and wide range of experience. it just depends if the person is willing to learn. it doesnt depend on mentors or partners. well, they help but their presence isnt really indispensable. if im after legal knowledge and experience, my current law firm is more than adequate compared to most small law offices and maybe even at par with some prestigious law firms.  it just so happens that im starting to feel the difficulties of having a non-competitive salary. thats why ive been whining lately about working in my current firm. financially, i have no future if i stay in my current law office. but other than financial matters, there's nothing to complain about my law office. well, there's the lack of some utilities and other usual office essentials. but the beautiful thing about it is that we still manage to survive. the struggle gives it color. 

creature of consistency

i eat almost the same stuff every day. well, not exactly.

take my breakfast for example. i only eat one type (or a particular brand) of breakfast cereal (kellogg's coco pops) and i eat it every morning. when i run out of it, i eat a particular type of oatmeal (quaker oats instant chocolate oatmeal). the breakfast cereal is my primary breakfast and the oatmeal is just a back-up when ive completely consumed the supply of breakfast cereal.

i dont like my breakfast being changed without prior notice. it pisses me off. i dont care if ive been eating the same breakfast for over a year (or years). if its still available, thats what im going to eat. so i only eat something different when i prematurely consume my breakfast cereal and oatmeal before i buy the groceries.

im very sensitive with what i eat in the morning, given that im not a morning person. when i wake up, my mind is already programmed that it will eat either cereal or oatmeal (except sundays. on sundays i eat fastfood breakfast after attending the sunday mass). if i see a breakfast other than cereal or oatmeal, my brain has to process it so it can inform my digestive system of the change (so i will have to sit down for a few minutes). the deviation in my breakfast increases the chances of me throwing up. i always have to urge to vomit whenever i eat too soon in the morning and the change in food doesnt help. if my brain gets surprised or wasnt expecting to eat the food, i regurgitate it. thats why i dont like eating rice for breakfast. the adjustment time is too long and i really need to focus on swallowing the food so i wont throw up.

then there's my milk tea habit. i always order the same milk tea that the people in the milk tea place already knows me and my order (i go there at least once a week). i rarely change my order. if i do change it, its because of my mood. if im not in the mood of my usual order, i have a secondary usual order.

then there's korean food rotation. i usually eat only three items in the menu of the korean restaurant i go to. i dont like bulgogi so i never order it. im limited to two types of "rice meals" and ramyun. i usually eat ramyun when its cold or when its raining. i eat bibimbap only when im not in the mood to eat the primary rice meal i order. i only eat one type of korean ice cream (kamacoon). so i have a rigid hierarchy of food orders.

then there's mcdonalds. ever since i found out about Big N Tasty months ago (if im not mistaken, it was the night of april 27), i never ordered anything else except the Float and Fries combo. i eat this damn burger thrice a week.

my mother complained that i buy the same stuff whenever i buy the groceries. well, i dont get tired of eating it. for a person who demands variety, im sure rigidly consistent when it comes to food. well, food i really like.

im tempted to ask for more but i wont

it rained all day! well, almost. there were minutes when it wasnt raining at all. anyway, its nice that the heavens do listen.

i woke up hearing the rain outside my window and i said to myself, "yes!" this is what i call rain at the very least. it put me in such a nice mood that i suddenly found myself singing while putting on my socks. that rarely happens.

its not "damn! its cold! brrr" kind of weather but cold enough. i wish it was much colder but well, this amount of rain and cold weather is godly generosity for me. i didnt manage to eat my spicy ramyun without breaking a sweat but the cold weather helped me enjoy it. i didnt crave for a hot beverage but the cold weather made my hot chocolate tastier. i wore three layers of clothing and it was nice that i didnt feel uncomfortably warm. i didnt shiver at all but...well, i wish it was cold enough to make me shiver. im not even asking for blistering coldness. just "holy crap! now this is some goddamn cold weather". this cold weather is still far from forcing me to use a blanket.

unfortunately, i might be the only one enjoying this weather. while other people are cursing the heavens for these rains because it makes them miserable, im savoring every minute of it. i would like to ask that this weather continue until....well, at least for a couple more days but...well, i guess i should be contented with a one full day of rain. sigh.

where's my rain!?

its raining right now. sort of. i can hear some raindrops on the roof. this cant be rain. its like some leaking faucet with one small drop of water per minute. i want real rain!

yup. im being unreasonable and insatiable.

i woke up earlier today feeling the cold air and said, while half-awake, that this isnt enough. its cold, yeah sure but i want it to be colder! much, much colder! i want to shiver! i want to crave for some hot beverage because its too damn cold. i want to eat spicy ramyun without breaking a sweat. i want to wear layers and layers of clothing and still feel the cold air fighting against the warmth. i want to be forced to use a blanket when i sleep. i havent used a blanket for years. my grandmother gave me a blanket as a gift two christmases ago and her present is still unopened up to this day because i have no use for it.

what does the rain have to do with it? well, if its raining, its bound to get colder. i dont think its possible to ask for a colder weather without asking for rain in this part of the planet.

if the heavens do decide to give me rain, i mean, the rain that i want, i bet its going to give it to me in a way that will make regret cross my mind and my pride will attempt to reject it from going any further inside my head. i think pride will win. 

brand loyalty

due to the busted computer last week, i got paranoid of losing all the data in it. although some of the data have back-up copies, ive been thinking of buying an external hard disk for quite some time now. since im going to buy it eventually anyway, i told myself to buy it now. the busted computer served as the catalyst.

since ive got a lot data (more than a decade of accumulated data), i bought myself a 1 terabyte portable hard disk (i havent backed up all the data and ive managed to use 600gig of disk space. i might need to buy another one). ive been a seagate user since 1998 and so far, none has failed yet. so obviously, i already have some brand loyalty. 

my first seagate hard disk had a 2 gig capacity. it had a windows 98 OS and lasted more or less six years. the reason it crashed was because i downloaded too many songs from napster that i unknowingly filled it up to its maximum capacity. well, it didnt really become unuseable since it seems to be still working fine because i managed to retrieve the files in it. it just so happens that a 2gig hard disk in 2004 is just too small and reformatting it isnt advisable. so i upgraded to a 20 gig seagate hard disk (and a pentium 4 processor with a windows XP OS).

after more or less half a decade, i bought another seagate hard disk with a 250 gig capacity. a couple of years later, i bought a back up hard disk with a 500 gig capacity. then when i upgraded our desktop PC, i bought a 1 TB hard disk for it (with an intel core i5 processor and 64 bit windows 7 OS). and now, i bought another 1TB hard disk (out of fear of losing data). this time a portable external hard drive. hopefully, its as good as internal hard disk drives (ive read online reviews of portable hard disks and half of it arent good when it comes to reliability)

i think all of our laptops have seagate hard disks too (120gig, 500gig and 750 gig. all Lenovo. again, brand loyalty).

its difficult for me to change brands especially when i have a good personal history with it. like intel processors. well, maybe not much personal history but good marketing when it comes to processors. i mean, its not like i notice how good the processors perform compared to other processors. its just our guest speaker from intel in one of my elective class back in college gave a lecture that made me fear using AMD processors (a spontaneously combusting processor traumatized me. seriously, it did). and the fact the girls' generation endorsed the intel core processors made me buy intel core i3 and i5s. so i cant say its really because of personal history with the processor that made me keep on buying intel processors. well, the fact that it hasnt gone haywire on me makes me prefer it too over the competing brand.  

busy friday

last wednesday, i was going to transfer some movies from my laptop to our desktop PC so i can free up some hard disk space. but when i plugged the AVR to the wall socket, the power supply of the CPU suddenly sparked and then i smelled something burning. what the crap just happened? i quickly unplugged it and thought, i guess im going to have to go to gilmore as soon as possible.

since the service center is only open during weekdays, i informed our docket officer that i will be at the office only on friday afternoon so i can have the CPU repaired on friday morning. when i was having it repaired, the repair guy told me that the power supply is busted and needs to be replaced. the good news is, the motherboard, processor, hard disk and other peripherals werent damaged. thank God. since the power supply was still covered by the warranty, i didnt pay anything for the repair. thank God again. another good thing about it was that i didnt have to wait for the replacement. according to the warranty, the store will have to check the availability of the replacement and whether the manufacturer will approve it since it had to check if the defect is covered by the warranty. well, the power supply suddenly sparked and got busted for no reason. it has to be a manufacturing defect and should be covered by the warranty.

i finished having the CPU repaired around lunch time. before heading home, i dropped by Copytrade to buy one ream of bond paper since its cheaper there. by the time i got home, i was told the phone and internet bill just arrived. sigh. its two weeks overdue so i had to go to bayantel because the payment centers might not accept it anymore since its beyond the due date. then there's our old desktop computer. my mother told me to have it checked if it can still be used. i have to go to another repair shop to have it diagnosed. by this time, i texted our docket officer that i wont be able to go to the office since i still had stuff to do (little did i know that our law office was also having a busy day at work because for some strange reason, clients suddenly decided to make themselves felt that day).

after paying the bill, i bought me self some chimichanga at mexican express. after having the CPU diagnosed, i then bought me self some milk tea at cha dao.

sometimes the universe is just plain weird

last week, i was supposed to have one hearing on june 28 and another hearing on june 29. the one on june 28 was supposed to be at 8:30 in the morning and the one on june 29 was supposed to be at 2pm.

the week before last week, i was told by our docket officer that according to the trial court, my june 29 hearing was at 830am and not 2pm. i thought, thats weird. we should have been notified if there's a change in the schedule. im sure it was 2pm. anyway, it doesnt matter since it doesnt conflict with any scheduled hearing.

when i reminded my clients about our june 29 hearing, they wondered why the schedule was changed from 2pm to 8:30am. so i asked our docket officer to confirm if the date and time was correct. he then informed me, after calling the trial court again, that we were actually scheduled on june 28 at 2pm. ok. thats another change in the schedule. so now the time is correct but the date is different. again, no biggie. still no conflict. although now i have two hearings on june 28, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.

june 28 came. i went to my first hearing scheduled at 8:30am. i checked the court calendar and saw that my scheduled hearing in that court was moved to 1:30pm. what the crap is wrong with this week? i then went back to the law office, waited for my clients and then asked my clients scheduled at 2pm to just inform the court that im requesting for a second call because im attending another hearing.

my 1:30pm hearing came. i was told there was an error in the scheduling. i was supposed to have been scheduled at 8:30am. due to the error, my scheduled hearing was reset this month. great. just great. ive never had this kind of crazy scheduling ever since i became a lawyer.

anyway, at least my 2pm hearing pushed through so it wasnt a waste of time to go to court that day.

i then bought some kimbap, dukbokki and burgers on my way home.

Seo JooHyun

three cities, three resettings

i have three scheduled hearings this week and strangely, all were reset.

my first scheduled hearing this week was last monday morning in caloocan. the week started great since it was raining. i didnt really mind if i was wearing three layers of clothing as long as its cold. i didnt care if i get mud on my shoes as long as its cold. anyway, my court hearing there was reset because the judge wasnt available. he had some medical concerns to attend to which is understandable because of his age. i was glad to hear of the resetting because this case was recently assigned to me and it was my first time to attend it. this means im not familiar with the case yet.

as for my second scheduled hearing, which was yesterday afternoon in manila, i was constrained to postpone it because my witness was not available. again, medical reasons due to old age. unfortunately this time, there was no hint of rain. just the scorching heat of the merciless sun. i really hate warm to hot weather.

then my third scheduled hearing today in QC was similar to my court hearing yesterday. i requested for a resetting because my witness did not show up.

i didnt mind the resettings actually. it gave me time to rest since in between hearings, there's a lot of office work to be done (pleadings to be filed). but thats the sad thing about it, that court hearing resetting have turned into an opporunity to rest.

more rain!

well, at least a colder weather.

last night, i asked the heavens, "where are my rainy mornings?" like i was entitled to it. well, i woke up to a rainy morning and it was...good enough. i wanted rainy mornings because i want a colder weather but this morning, despite the rain, it was still annoyingly warm. i was even complaining during lunch that the rainy season is here but it still feels like summer. a wet and warm summer.

i really wish it was thirty times colder. of course, those who come from countries with colder climates would tell me that i have no idea what im asking for. sigh. i just really want a colder climate. i hate sweat and dehydration.

i should eat ice cream more often

while eating korean ice cream in front of a korean minimart, i saw an old man with a basketful of yema. he was selling it. i can imagine him waking up very early in the morning to prepare it. or maybe not. in any case, seeing him made me think. here's a man, selling a food item which isnt high on demand, walking from one street to another, under the intense heat of the sun or pouring rain, peddling his yema from one establishment to another, just to earn enough money to allow him to survive. or feed his family if he has one. he will probably earn, if he's lucky to sell any of his home made product, such amount that is almost equivalent to my lunch today. the cost of my lunch can feed him for an entire day. or even maybe a family of three.

life is unfair and life has its reasons. well, God has His reasons. but my atheist self is saying, isnt this proof there is no God? i call a part of myself as my atheist self, the one who prefers to be called as that someone filled with doubt rather than skepticism. i keep him around because he's useful and nice to talk to.

going back, life being unfair is not proof there is no God. it is proof how limited human comprehension is.
bullshit my atheist self retorts. how can God allow such inequality to exist? how can He allow such suffering?

i reply, but you only see things that are right in front of you. with so little information, how can you make a valid assessment of matters that go into running an entire universe? you dont know this man's past or his future. you dont know whether things will get better or worse for this man or whether he was previously better off. you only see a man selling something of little value, earning so little in order to continue struggling to survive and compare this so called poor man's life to someone who lives conveniently. how can you reduce God and His ways to something so simplistic?

atheist self answers its not simplistic. its a harsh reality and its a fact multiplied a million times over. its a global occurence in a God forsaken world.

i responded that multiplying it a million times over is oversimplifying matters. life is filled with shades of gray and there is an almost infinite number of external matters to take into consideration to make a valid assessment of how unfair life is. it is idiotic to put God in the picture when our tiny little brains cant even grasp matters beyond ourselves. we are confined by our senses, by our knowledge, by our biases, etc. to be able to validly argue about the existence or non-existence of God, to evaluate whether life is truly unfair, one must go beyond these mortal limitations and try to see the picture the way a god will see things.

convenient excuse my atheist self answers back. its an excuse to allow myself to sleep comfortably at night.

well, thats why there's faith. it tries to fill up what reason cant possibly supply. and thats why there's enlightenment. enlightenment makes you see the beauty hidden in this ugly world. once you see that beauty, once you see that, despite that man appears to be suffering, in the grand design or order of things, life is nevertheless beautiful and that man's existence, although unfortunate, has reason and purpose. and sometimes, a brief moment of intense of happiness is enough to last a lifetime. who are you to say that the man selling yema has not already experienced the time of his life and thus, "ahead" or more fortunate over millions of people living conveniently whose lives are haunted by an empty or guilt-filled existence? he could have found the love of his life and just being with her is enough. or just having a kid he can send to school is enough. happiness and contentment are relative. thus, seeing a man under such unfortunate conditions is not proof there is no God. inequalities have its purpose. and sometimes, we dont even fully grasp what inequality means. to simplify matters using such shallow comparisons is to insult the operation of the universe and God's wisdom. i dont think this is a "convenient excuse" to be able to sleep at night. its a way of seeing things and not being bound by common conceptions of God makes this plausible.

then i finished eating my ice cream, stopped thinking about non-law stuff and went back to the office.

ive been reading a lot of comic books

ive been pondering for weeks if im one of those guys destined for greatness. back in college, this would have never been a question worth asking. i thought then that if i wasnt born to be great, i firmly believed that i had what it takes to seize greatness. i also believed that i am capable of wooing fortuna to go to my side and do things in my favor instead of being a pain in the ass. now, or for the past half decade, ive been riddled with self-doubt. i now think im a mere shadow of what i used to be. this is the price i paid for what i did back in 2004. i took a break from greatness when i told myself there's no such thing as taking a break from greatness.

if i am meant for greatness, then i cant die until i fulfill that purpose. i cant have rabies or AIDS or cancer or Crohns. now matter how much i screw up, things will always fall into place because im meant to do something or be someone.

in the past, ive had a couple of close calls. when i was a kid, i could have been killed, or lost my legs in a car accident. i tried to overtake a car running at moderate speed (for me, it looked like a speeding car. but to a kid, things appeared much bigger and much faster and things arent exactly as what they appear to be. so my guess that it was only running at moderate speed). i was playing tag with my sister and i was so caught in the game that when i saw the car, i thought i could run to the other side of the road so that my sister wont be able to reach me (that was really fucking stupid. had i succeeded in crossing the street, my younger sister could have been the one that got hit by the car. but then again, if i remember correctly, my sister had better sense than me because i remember she stopped pursuing me when she saw there was a car on the road). fortunately, the car managed to reach a full halt when i was exaclty in front of it and its bumper hit my thighs lightly, like a friendly tap on one's shoulder. i was like a deer frozen in front of blinding headlights. when i saw the car about to reach me, my legs just froze. well, my life, which was absurdly short back then, didnt flash before my eyes. the driver just cursed his lungs out and all i could do was bow down apologetically for giving him the fright of his life.

the second close call i had was back in high school. i was crossing the street when my high school batchmate, a korean, called me from behind. i turned my head to see who it was and instead of stopping, my legs continued crossing the street while i was looking behind me. stupid. really stupid. when i looked in front, a truck that was turning to the street i was crossing sped right in front of me and my face was just less than half a foot away from the side of the truck. my nose was just inches away from the speeding truck.  had i taken another step, it would have been impossible for the truck to miss me. the weird thing about that incident is why didnt the truck driver blow his horn to alert me of its presence? in both instances, if both vehicles managed to hit me, the impact of getting hit could have killed me or at least injure me really seriously (if the car hit me when i was a kid, it could have thrown me violently to the ground if the driver stepped on the brake pedal seconds later than the driver did).

so when it comes to accidents, fortune was on my side as if saying, i cant die yet. as for my career, well, my uncle said it was destiny that made me a lawyer. it wasnt a childhood dream. in law school, i wasnt even sure if im going to finish it. during the bar exams, i wasnt able to give 100% because i just lacked the motivation and focus (but i exerted a lot of effort). ill be damned. im a freaking lawyer.

my life is good. i have an envious position in the order of things. i actually create my own drama just to give color to my life, to add struggles in it because my life is very much "plain". but despite all these, having probably everything i need at my disposal in order to do something great, i doubt myself. actually, i know i already have what i need in order to do something great but i just refuse to do something about it. i want a simple and short life. to accept greatness complicates things. but i have a natural talent for the complicated. damn it. now i want to confirm it by taunting death yet again. i want to make sure this is what i have to do. i want necessity to be the push that i need in case its confirmed that im destined to do something great. i dont know. im just really reluctant and lazy to take part in something great. back in high school, i envisioned myself as a leader. my daydreams constituted me leading a pack of great individuals. now, i just want to play a supporting role. i just want to have a leader who knows how to best utilize my abilities. call me when im needed. this current mindset reflects how much ive changed and how lazy ive become. i now prefer being that guy who just waits to be called, the reliable last resort. sort of. this became my preferred role when i realized i have the knack for damage control. if other people can do it, let them do it.

an argument just came up. terminal illness isnt a confirmation one is not destined for greatness. aside from the fact that Captain Mar-vell, the champion of the universe fielded against Thanos, died from cancer, many great and inspiring people achieved greatness due to their struggle against death. so being kept away from death isnt proof that there's a destiny that must be fulfilled. sometimes being pitted against death's embrace is the push some people need. as for me, knowing myself, the push that will force me to embrace greatness is either through necessity, something crammer's know fully well, or through something whimsical, like waking up one day and im just in the mood to be a force to be reckoned with. in the past, necessity has been less reliable than whim.

Im Yoona

whimsical and impulsive

in the last 24 hours, i was...well, whimsical and impulsive and it was costly. yesterday afternoon, after staying home on a saturday (something which rarely happens recently because im usually out somewhere during weekends) i suddenly felt like buying some pizza. i wasnt really craving for it but i just wanted to eat something good enough to assuage my craving for samgyupsal. so i told my mother that instead of cooking dinner, im going to buy us some pizza (well, i asked my siblings to buy it and if there's any change from the money i gave them, they can use it to buy a liter of soda and if there's still change, some chips for me because i was in the mood for something salty). when my siblings were out buying the pizza, i thought maybe it was better to just get a KFC bucket instead. that would piss off my brother since KFC is on the other direction from Pizza Hut (and like me, they prefer walking rather than riding a tricycle). anyway, i convinced myself to get a KFC bucket the next time i have some food cravings.

then this morning, i was still craving for samgyupsal. instead of just getting it at Kwon's Kitchen, i convinced my brother to just eat at Yakimix for lunch. if that wasnt whimsical enough, i just bought a printer (a Canon Pixma MP287). usually i do some research on gadgets and computer stuff before buying them but well, today, i just felt like buying a printer (at least i have a brand in mind). there's no gadget sale or anything and there's no immediate need to buy a printer. i just bought a printer for the simple reason that we currently dont have a useable printer. the other canon printer we have, a late 90's model and 14 years old (Canon BJC-255sp), is still working but unfortunately, canon no longer sells cartridges for models that old and its slot/cable is no longer supported by new motherboards (i upgraded our PC last year). our other printer is an HP printer-copier-scanner and its bonkers. because of that printer, i absolutely became a non-fan of HP and other HP products. thats why when the salesperson was trying to do a sales pitch for an HP printer, saying the cartridges are cheaper, i simply replied, "i want a Canon printer". i sounded determined to get a Canon printer when i wasnt even thinking of getting one yesterday. i just thought about buying it today while having lunch at Yakimix (although ive said earlier this morning im going to buy a printer, my brother thought i was going to do some canvassing first and buy it...maybe next week. i only decided to buy the printer today half-way through our lunch).

these stuff i did lately wouldnt be a problem if i had enough money to spend. i need to get a better paying job. being this whimsical and impulsive leaves a deep wound in my wallet.

if i just gave in to my samgyupsal craving, i would have spent P170. but i didnt. and i spent thousands.

actually, last night, i was thinking of buying another pair of running shoes. well, i ended up with a printer and an expensive lunch instead (i paid for my brother's lunch since its me who really wanted to eat at yakimix. actually my brother tried to talk me out of it by saying, we dont really need a printer at the moment and yakimix can wait some other time. but well, i just wanted to spend like crazy today).

shoes and stuff

so i was thinking of buying another pair of running shoes. just saw another cheap pair. cheap for the brand. but i told myself i dont deserve another pair. ever since April, i sort of stopped jogging. it started with a busy week. then a week where everyday is always a record high when it comes to the temperature of the day. the next thing i know, i was jogging for only once a week. then it was followed by a couple of weeks where i didnt jog at all because the hot weather is just too much (i was sweating even if i was just sitting in front of the electric fan doing nothing). now that the hot weather is almost gone (almost but not quite), i wont have excuses anymore. last week, i managed to jog twice. but this week, i reverted back to one since i wasnt feeling well.

now, i noticed that im into bags and shoes lately (yep, im now a girl when it comes to shopping. unlike before where i only think of gadgets). aside from running shoes, i also bought two pairs of leather shoes. in two months, i bought three pairs of shoes, the most ive bought in a short amount of time since i was born. usually i buy a pair of shoes and the next pair will be bought after at least a year. i wear them until its impossible to wear them. so its not unusual to see me wearing a pair of shoes with a hole in it or part of the sole is already detached.

the thing with these leather shoes are...theyre boots. or i think its called dress boots. i bought my first pair when i went to a court hearing in manila. after the court hearing, i remembered my brother told me that there's a hole in one of the heels of my leather shoes. seeing how bad it was, i decided to buy another pair of leather shoes so i can have the pair i was wearing repaired somewhere. i saw a shoestore, browsed the shoes that were on display and i liked a pair of formal dress boots (maybe because since 2010, ive been wearing hi-cut chucks on an almost daily basis. i like it when my ankles feel secure). so i bought the pair of black dress boots and then brought my other pair of leather shoes to a shoe repair shop near my law office so i can pick it up after work.

as for my other pair of boots, i bought brown ones. and i bought them in anticipation of the rainy weather. the chucks i have arent really rain proof. i always get a soggy pair of socks whenever i go to the office on a rainy morning. so i managed to give me a reason to buy another pair of boots. i cant use the black ones because its for court hearings, especially non-Quezon city court hearings (because its hard to tell what the weather will be in other areas and having two pair of shoes for court hearings reduces the effects of wear and tear)

i really should stop buying shoes before this thing for shoes become worse. i have enough pairs for almost all occasions that will last a couple of years or more (well, except the running shoes if i manage to restore my thrice weekly routine). i think i need someone to control my spending.

just a thought

a few weeks ago, i had some sort of "korean day". i started the day at 7:30 am with a court case im handling where the opposing party is a korean national. then i ate lunch at the nearby korean restaurant i frequently go to. then before i left the office, my korean client dropped by my law office to have a document notarized. thats when i realized that it was a "korea filled day".

not a single day passes that i dont see a korean national in real life. this is true and im not exaggerating. the only time i dont see a korean in real life is if i dont go out of my house. if i dont go out of my house, i only see nine pretty korean ladies (TV, PC or laptop). i always see one whenever i walk home or go out to eat lunch or when i take my afternoon jog (so basically, when im outside). there's just so many koreans in my residential area. now, i dont have anything against them (nor do i like them simply because im a fan of girls' generation). i would say its neutral. they're no different from the way i see other foreigners. but the thought of seeing them on a daily basis, making me realize their population, well, its just...a bit uncomfortable to a certain extent. its like having a visitor at home or in class. you become aware of a foreign element and things arent as normal as it usually is. of course im used to having a lot of korean nationals in my residential area but there are times when i wonder, "why are there so many of them here?". the weather is annoyingly hot and the air is polluted. its not really the best place on earth. if i was some foreigner coming from a country that is better off compared to my country, only necessity would make me stay here. im not saying the philippines is a bad country to live in. its not. its a country that knows how to get by, knows how to roll with the punches, inhabited by warm and friendly citizens with a government thats a work in progress. its a country i can be proud of (its just the weather is so goddamn hot. its not as tolerable as when i was a kid). it just so happens that i also admit its not perfect. its far from perfect. korea or south korea looks like a country that has a nice weather (the cold weather might be really bad but, im really not a fan of the hot weather), nice environment, good enough government, etc. the only problem is that its really expensive to live there. also, i will admit that their food is nice (but then again, im not a fan of local cuisine and i only like a handful of local dishes) and their culture is interesting but it still doesnt change the fact that koreans here make me feel like having a visitor around and wonder why visit or why live here? actually i do get why theyre here. but is it really worth it? maybe. i mean, thats why theyre here.

anyway, the thing i admire about koreans is their sense of nationality and their sense of duty to their government. its something i hope this country will develop sooner rather than later.

Lee SoonKyu