here comes the fear

follow what's written on the cover of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: DONT PANIC!

im not panicking about the bar exams. quite the opposite actually. im one of the few who isnt suffering from sleepless nights worrying that its only more or less 2 months away. 

i panicked a while ago because one, the laptop gave me a scare and two, one of my cellphones gave me a scare. 

here's what happened:

i decided to synchronize and back-up my cellphones (which i named cloak and dagger. i initially thought of naming it beavis and butthead or bill and ted but i think cloak and dagger is a more appropriate name for a pair of cellphones). so i downloaded the nokia ovi suite. after installing it, i restarted the computer and to my surprise it said that its installing updates. WTF! its not supposed to download and install updates without asking for my permission. im using Windows Vista and ive heard that there was this update before that made the Vista OS reboot...perpetually. ok, keep on rebooting without loading the desktop so it just keeps on rebooting over and over again. so i prepared for the worst as i watched the computer reboot. after showing the Lenovo splash screen, it switched to the Vista OS loading screen, and then there was darkness. well, a blank black screen. crap! holy crap! thats when i stared at the blank screen with my rarely pressed panic button activated. it stayed blank for a few minutes and the power button of the computer was flickering faintly. crap. that cant be good. i just kept staring at it and i started thinking of what im going to do in case it is a system crash. i started thinking of scheduling the repair, where to have it repaired, where i can get the money for the repair, etc. then i started thinking of when was my last back-up, on whether i could still fix it on my own, etc. thats me in panic mode. i bombard myself with thoughts and plans. after maybe more or less 5 minutes of black screen, it then changed to its normal Vista screen saying that its installing update 3 of 3. whew! after a few minutes, it continued normally. i then grabbed a DVD-R and made a back-up of the bar review lectures. thats the fear number one.

fear number two kicked in half an hour later when i started synchronizing "Dagger." while it was synchronizing the messages, i suddenly received a text message from Globe. Crap!!! ever since i owned a nokia 3660, i knew that a text message interrupting the synchronization or back-up cant be good. because of the interruption, the cellphone's screen went blank. but it continued to synchronize. when i disconnected it, it seemed ok. but when i started to open any text message, it stopped with a message saying "opening" and then the screen goes blank. crap!! again! panic button activated once again. started thinking of when to go to the nokia care center, how long it will take for them to return my phone, thats its a good thing i have "Cloak" so i can divert calls and messages to it temporarily, etc. once the panic is gone. did some troubleshooting, trying to figure out how to fix it. it still works if its connected to the computer, so i made a back-up. then i used the "restore" factory settings option. completely erased personal data but good thing i was able to make a back-up (i now have 2 back-ups, one inside the PC the other inside the laptop). problem solved! 

i hate it when i go into panic mode. the only good thing about being in panic mode is that my planning mode goes on overdrive, trying to adjust my schedule and whatever needs to be adjusted to accommodate the unforeseen event. but during panic mode, i just...well, panic.

theres a fine line between courage and stupidity. i think this isnt a case of stupidity

starting tomorrow, im going to review for the bar exams at break neck speed. well, i have to. im running out of time and there are other stuff that i need to attend to which would eat up more time. not that i havent started reviewing. its just that im not happy with my pace.well, it isnt bad actualy. its just i know i can do more than this.

a law school friend told me during my graduation last April that i should get rid of all the distractions. what i did was get a lot of it. a lot of it. why do i always do the opposite? give me advice and chances are, i will do what ive been told not to do.

i vow to study efficiently and effectively tomorrow when i wake up at the crack of dawn. yes, crack of dawn. no more reviewing at the crack of noon for me. its time to get serious. the real kind of serious. not the kind of serious meant to annoy people or the social experiment type (which by the way was conceptualized through the help of a highschool class clown. it really pissed him off a lot. that why i decided to develop it).

before i publish this, God, thank You for the rain. if possible, less warm weather. really less warm weather. please.

three weeks to go!

three weeks to go before i can act on my annoying tooth. its been almost a week since it started aching. it would require minor surgery to have it extracted. problem is, i dont have the time and the money to undergo minor surgery. i will have to save some money (or find a possible source) and try to find time after three weeks. so i would have to get used to the pain this stupid fucking tooth brings. it hurts so much that i feel the pain throbbing on the right side of my head. it also wakes me up in the middle of the night. and i have to endure three more weeks of it! i need to find an outlet because right now, the pain just makes me want to punch something. i cant risk injuring my left hand since i need it for writing. my right wrist is already injured since it hurts when i bend it in a certain way.

on a positive note, at least i dont have fever. yup. thats the only good thing i can say about it. i really want to scream and kick chairs at the moment. wait, i have another good thing to say: God, thank You for the rain. it may not be much but i appreciate it. sorry, You cursed me with insatiability.    

bring the goddamn rain already!!!

sorry God but i would like to apologize for what i have to say: 

where the fuck is the rain? is that it? pathetic droplets!?

You know that i always ask for rain, whether im indoors or outdoors, i dont care. earlier this week i was taunting You to bring the rain while i was walking home. i didnt care if i get wet. all i want is rain. real rain. not the pathetic light rain weve been experiencing. the only rain that ive enjoyed recently was when You provided torrential downpour coupled with strong winds. people with me in the jeepney said it was as if there was a storm. all i could do was smile and enjoy the sight im seeing. so God, cmon, dont hold back. i know we wont be able to withstand even a small percentage of Your wrath but dont You think we deserve it?

i think i just came up with a new blog format. now i can activate my remaining unused blog address.

anyway, maybe what i just said is a bit extreme and offensive to You and to mankind. its just im pissed with this warm weather and i curse the generations that came before me for turning the planet into its current miserable state. pinnacle of evolution my ass. man's existence has become incompatible with the planet's existence. i hate to inherit the planet in this state and pass it on to the next generation in a much worse condition. they say the damage is still reversible but the thing is, man's forward march is no longer attuned to the decent survival of other life forms and the planet's. man has become a nuisance to his home planet. the question is, will this nuisance be abated by God's wrath? if so, when? if not, why? im starting to sound like Nagato. but then again, maybe we are experiencing Your wrath by allowing us to exist under this condition of gradual self-destruction. to suffer in moderate amounts to pay for our sins.

i should stop

regret, remorse, repentance

Frankie, ive seen you at Mass almost every day for 23 years. the only person that comes to church that much is the kind who cant forgive himself for something. - Father Horvak

Homer's version of Tennyson's famous phrase

"sometimes when you least expect it, you realize that someone loves you. and that means someone can love you again. that will make you smile" - Homer Simpson

when's the sixth season? september 2010?

i love the 80s and i love Evie

finally found vids of this TV series. i loved this show. i remember watching its first episode back in the early 90s, almost 2 decades ago. Evie is one of my all time TV crushes. i really love the 80s.

do i really look like a guy with a plan?

i want a simple life. a simple, solitary life. free from worries and hassles. keep a few friends that i can visit when i want to take a break from all the travelling i intend to do. this was my high school plan.

my grade school plan was marry an intelligent woman, preferably a scientist or someone very knowledgeable in the natural sciences and mathematics, have a kid, have a simple house in a nice subdivision. i saw life differently then. this was a plan.

college sort of made me revise the high school plan a bit. i thought, given my "position in the order of things", why not dream big. why not aim much higher than a mere simple life. i compared myself to other people and saw myself having the potential to go farther than most of them. all i had to do was exert more effort and make life a little more complicated.

i have the capacity, i have the potential, i have the ability to become someone great, someone who can do something, someone who can change things. all i have to do is try. i rarely believe in things that arent facts but i believe in this one. i believe than i can take a lead role in something and perform very well in doing it. problem is, i dont want a lead role in anything. i still want a simple life. thats why i never give "100%" in anything i do because i dont have a passion for it. i wonder if someone can be passionate in striving to live a simple life. i think passion is for instances where someone wants to go beyond the limits. and going beyond the limit isnt something simple.

my highschool plan was nice. i shouldnt have deviated. i did try to restore it in 2008 but someone in 2009 disrupted it. she managed to persuade me to make her an exception and try to revise the plan again. well, it wont work. revising it to accommodate exceptions wont work. its either i stick to the plan or discard it entirely. i think i was much wiser back in high school. unfortunately, my current state isnt conditioned for that plan. i will have to rid myself of the college plan blueprints.

ive been taking a break for more than half a decade

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things and small people talk about other people.

Greatness was something i desired. that's why when college friends said they're taking a break from greatness (to explain why they talk about other people), i said to myself that there's no such thing as taking a break from greatness. a great person never takes a break from greatness.

Old fashioned espionage

Pigeon held in India on suspicion of spying for Pakistan - INQUIRER.net, Philippine News for Filipinos

i miss being a morning person

its 11am and im eating my breakfast in front of the laptop. 11am! usually i wake up at 8am. that was when i had work. before that, i woke up around 7am. that was when i had review classes in arellano. before that, i woke up around 5am or 6am. that was when i was a morning person and happy to start a brand new day. before i was a morning person, i was just this grouchy guy who wakes up somewhere between 9am to 11am, depending on whether i need to go to school or not.

im really not a morning person. i hate waking up. if it were possible to just sleep all day and all night, i probably would. but i have to admit, in that short time that i was a morning person, mornings were great.  

impaired sensory function

the way im using my mp3 player, it wont be a surprise if i lose my sense of hearing. the way im worrying about my eyes, its possible that i lose my sense of sight one day. i wonder what its like to be deaf and blind? not that i would want to be deaf and blind but i just wonder how one can get by with no sense of sight and no sense of hearing at the same time.

i remember waking up blind. i woke up in a dream where i was blind. it was just a very short dream. i woke up and everything was black. i tried to figure out where i was and after a few minutes i realized i was blind. after the realization, i woke up a second time and this time i really woke up. i probably had the dream because ive been worrying about my eyes lately (lately means months, almost a year). for some unexplained reason, im worrying that one day, the light will suddenly disappear from my eyes, leaving it to succumb to darkness. my eyes feel tired. it is as if ive used it to its limit or its about to reach its limit.

as for my ears, i have tinnitus. i hear this high pitch sound, usually in my left ear, ever since i was in grade school. not sure if its leading to hearing loss. one problem with my sense of hearing is that if im in a noisy environment, i easily get disoriented. i remember last year i was in a room with four people and two of them were talking loudly and the room somehow magnifies the sound of their voice. one person was trying to talk to me while the two were talking and the sound of three people talking appeared to me as the same as the sound of a crowd of people talking. it was as if there were more than three people in the room and i cant focus on what the person talking to me was saying. its like i absorb all the sounds in a given environment, the way a recorder does.

i think i overuse my sense of hearing and my sense of sight. in a public place, i easily get distracted by the sight and sounds because i keep looking around, trying to have a good sense of my surroundings, trying to know whats on my peripheral vision and what's behind me.

as for my other senses, well, as for my sense of touch, i dont like the sticky feeling. no one does but it really bothers me. thats why i hate this weather. i hate the oily feeling. i wake up in the middle of the night caused by the discomfort caused by the heat, the sticky feeling it creates on one's skin. as regards my sense of smell, i have a poor sense of smell. but someone once said i always smell good. i hope she's telling the truth because i really cant tell. i have no comments regarding my sense of taste.

post election reflection

automation seemed to have made a lot of difference. i thought it was going to be a three way fight between Villar, Aquino and Teodoro. and my basis for coming up with such a prediction is based from what i know about Philippine elections. the automated elections seemed to have changed the way elections are conducted. im starting to doubt what i know. im starting to think that i need to do something about myself. it seems im making more wrong answers than right ones, more prone to erroneous calculations. there might be something wrong with the way i see things at the moment.

will i experience virtual reality technology in my lifetime?

back in 02 July 2007, in a blog entry, i wondered whether 3D is the future of the movie industry. i thought it was the next logical step. from silent films to black and white films with audio to colored movies to 3D movies. it seems thats where the movie industry is heading. ive seen Avatar in 3D and Alice in Wonderland in 3D. and one can see the difference with a movie shot in digital 3D and a movie that was converted into 3D. for the latter, i would rather watch the 2D version since there isnt much difference except a slight pop-up effect. i wouldnt pay more for that. the point is, right now, 3D is what's generating money for movie makers. this is something foreseeable and i stated this back in 2007. what i didnt foresee is 3D television emerging this soon. i thought 3D television will be available once 3D movies become the norm. were still in the CRT era (when i say "we" i mean our household) and havent switched to LCD/plasma and 3D HDTV is already available? do we get tired of new technology that fast? the digital entertainment industry is moving too fast for me (only porn can adjust as fast as technology moves forward). or im just getting old. if i were to believe Douglas Adams, anything that will be invented after im thirty five i will start to see as against the natural order of things.

i miss playing video games

i grew up playing in the streets, having other human kids to interact with to have fun. when someone says "games", i think of hide and seek, tumbang preso, langit-lupa, patintero, a game of tag, etc. i think nowadays, when someone says "games", what comes to mind are video games (anong games meron sa cellphone mo? anong games meron ka dyan?). nowadays, i rarely see kids playing outside. thats understandable with the intense heat were having. i see kids playing with PSPs instead. when i was at there age, i was busy climbing trees or the neigbor's fence or being chased by the neighbor's dog. the first time we finally owned a video game console was when i was in first year college (my cousin who's more or less 10 years older finally had his own video game console was when he was already married and had one kid). the only kids i see playing games that arent video games are toddlers and those kids slightly older. and i see them playing inside the "kiddie corners" of fast food restaurants. i never played in one of those "kiddie corners". i never celebrated a birthday in mcdonalds or jollibee. a college friend said everyone spends at least one birthday in mcdonalds or jollibee. well, i never did and i never wanted to since my idea of a birthday party was inviting everyone over to my place and play some party games. and get gifts of course. anyway, im just wondering how the kids of today will be like when they grow up. educated by TV programs and the internet and entertained by video games. i wonder if they can fall in line, wait patiently without playing a PSP. whatever happened to waiting in line with a good book? well, there's the iPad and other tablets so thats one way of reintroducing books to the younger generation. and then there's the state of environment they will inherit. scarce resources. i wonder if they can effectively utilize the information that they will have by then and whether they will be physically fit to endure the external changes that are happening. by then, im planning to be sitting in  room inside a place of my own, playing video games. i think thats the best contribution they can give to the outgoing generation. digital entertainment.

gadgets galore

my cousin's iPAQ is back (rx 1950)! i havent used it since October 2009 because its charger suddenly exploded (the night before the National Conference i was handling). all i had to do was buy a new charger but it took me months to do so. what compelled me to buy the charger was the need to fix my schedule and i need an organizer. an electronic organizer. my schedule is stored in a laptop which my sister owns but i exercise possession over it. since its very inconvenient to have my schedule stored in the laptop, i was compelled to revive my cousin's PDA (she already gave it to me, so i own it and possess it but i still prefer to refer to it as hers).

my MP3 player is back! after bringing it to Automatic Center, Gateway branch last March 2010 to have the defective mp3 player fixed, i finally got it back 2 weeks ago. the manufacturer replaced it with a new unit. i think they had a batch of defective units and i was one of the unfortunate ones who bought one of the defective units. what made me choose this mp3 player (RCA Opal m420) is because its not only cheaper compared to the Philips mp3 players but it can play .aac files. a file format i prefer because its smaller than the mp3 file format. so far, the mp3 player is doing ok.

my digicam is back! ha! i wish! it still hasnt returned to me ever since it was stolen from my back pack last January 2010. its a sony cybershot DSC-L1. its the only sony cybershot camera in the L series. its no longer in production. i never saw it being displayed or being sold actually. i dont want a DSLR. i want a simple digicam like the one i lost. i want the one i lost actually (damn you thief!). it has scratches on its front so i can easily identify it. and its LCD screen has its edges slightly damaged due to exposure to the damaging heat of the sun. its got bits of sand coming out of its power switch and its memory card is a fake Sony MS Pro Duo. Sony Cybershot DSC-L1, or Karma police, or great Jupiter, or anyone that could do something, if youre reading this, please return to me Sony Cybershot DSC-L1.

i should get some nokia loyalty reward or something

i remember my first cellphone, a nokia 3210. how could i forget. it was 1999 and the nokia 3210 was being marketed as the cellphone with an internal antenna and changeable cover. something really remarkable at that time. the popular unit then was the nokia 5110. comparing the 5110 with a 3210 is like comparing an average girl with a supermodel. it wasnt about the features. if these phones were women, both have breasts, both have vaginas, both could have the same personality. only difference was the way they look. the nokia 5110 is just plain boring (yes, plain and boring) to look at compared to the nokia 3210. and that made a lot of difference to consumers like me. how much was the nokia 3210 back in 1999? P10,000, sim locked to a network. imagine what cellphones can be bought today at that price.

my second cellphone was a nokia 3660. i bought it because after almost 5 years, my nokia 3210 finally gave up on me (it stopped charging even with the battery replaced). for P10,000, it was really worth my money. well, my parent's money. why a nokia 3660? well, because it looks different (and its the corrected version of the nokia 3650), it's a camera phone (something that was new at the time and this was 2004) and it has a memory card. i remember the very first time it was dropped because it was my college blockmate who dropped it, not me. what i liked about it is that i can store a lot of SMS with it and have personalized mp3 ringtones (i always make my own ringtones. that's why i found it weird that a girl in a cafe had the same ringtone as mine. i immediately changed my ringtone after hearing it). how much was the nokia 3660 back in 2004? P16,000, open line.

my third cellphone (and strictly speaking, my fourth) was and is a nokia 3110 classic. after three years of service, my nokia 3660 died (it unexplainably shut itself down) in a jeepney while attempting to contact a korean girl i just met. so with a help from a college friend who recommended a website (gsmarena.com), i tried to look for a phone with similar specs. and the closest i could find, and the cheapest too, was the nokia 3110 classic. it costs around P6000. P10,000 cheaper. what i noticed is that its not as sturdy as the nokia 3210 and it seems to be more fragile than the nokia 3660. but its still a good enough phone. good enough to be stolen by a pick pocket in the vicinity of the EDSA-Taft MRT station. since i really need a phone (since i was working at that time) and im happy with the nokia 3110c, i bought another one to replace the one that was stolen. i bought my first nokia 3110c back in 2007 for around P6000. i bought my second nokia 3110c last August of 2009 for P4,650 (and now the unit is no longer available. i guess i bought it in time before they stopped producing it). what i like about this phone is that it can be backed up with the nokia PC suite. this version of the Nokia PC suite is better than the one compatible with the nokia 3660. when i bought the replacement nokia 3110c, all i had to do was get the back up i made from my previous nokia 3110c and it was as if my phone was never stolen in the first place (except for some missing contacts since its been months from my last back up). what i dont like about it is the camera. its camera sucks.

my fourth (or fifth) cellphone is a nokia 2730 classic. i bought it last week. why did i buy one if my nokia 3110c is still working fine? well, ive been using 2 phones since i started OLA (2008). the other phone was my brother's spare phone, a nokia 1100 (his first cellphone. my sister's first cellphone was a nokia 3310. in a way, all of us started with a phone somewhat like the nokia 3210). recently, my brother's phone keeps losing signal so i thought it was time to return it since it might "die" any time soon and i dont want it to "die" with me as its user. and i didnt want to stop using my other number since its also being constantly used. so i bought a new one. and it only costs P4,400. the cheapest phone ive ever owned and ironically, the most advanced. it has 3G and a 2megapixel camera (still sucks but much better than the 1.3 megapixel camera of the nokia 3110c). what i like about it is that i can synchronize the 2 phones via bluetooth (so i didnt have problems transferring contacts and calendar entries) and both are supported by the Nokia Ovi Suite (the replacement of the Nokia PC suite) so i dont need two separate nokia softwares. besides, gadgets make me happy so thats another reason to buy a new phone.

i was thinking of buying the samsung C5212 or samsung B2100 but i opted to stick with nokia. ive been using nokia phones for more than a decade now and so far, im satisfied with their products. so satisfied that i developed some kind of attachment to my cellphones. since nokia 3660, i never switch off my cellphone. never (unless i need to remove the battery or sim card). its always on and it never runs out of battery because i always charge it. an empty cellphone battery is something foreign to me. my cellphones are always within arms reach. well, most of the time since i cant take wherever i go (except my nokia 3660 where i developed an attachment to the point that i take with me even if im in the shower and i noticed that people contact me frequently when im in the shower). even in my half asleep and half awake moments, i know where my cellphones are located. its the first things i look at every morning and the last thing i look at every night. i think ever since i owned a cellphone back in 1999, i never lasted more than a week not owning a cellphone. i am attached to my cellphones.

holy heat!

the summer heat is unbearable!

i would have to say that i consider myself lucky to have experienced playing under the sun when i was a kid (under tolerable heat conditions). i think that's the reason for my dark skin since only my exposed limbs and my face are dark. every summer i would play outside, roam the streets of Lagro and not complain about the heat. i remember my PE teacher back in grade school saying that the dangerous rays of the sun come around 10am. anytime before 10am, its ok to be exposed to the sun. nowadays, i think the moment the sun comes up, its going to cause some kind of damage to your skin at the very least. i wonder how hot things will be by next year? i wonder how we will adapt to this change in the climate? its weird that the discomfort caused by climate change was due to the stuff man introduced for his comfort and convenience.

where's my heart attack?

life rarely gives you what you want. it always gives you what you need. i dont know why life thinks i need this but there's nothing i can do about it i guess. what doesnt kill me makes me stronger right? maybe. but i think im much weaker now compared to my early college years. i find this current self annoying. it makes me susceptible to the common problems of man. the reason why i find it annoying is because man's common problems are really simple and easy to deal with, but given the way man's mind has been conditioned, the simple problem becomes a difficult obstacle.

problems are man-made, caused by man himself, inherently relative.

this current self really isnt working for me.

assuming the automated elections work...

if i were to choose which presidential candidate is the most qualified to be president, its Gibo Teodoro (followed by Gordon and then Villar). that is if my basis is their individual qualifications like competence, leadership skills and political experience. i said this to my cousin last year (that Gibo is the most qualified among the candidates).

Gibo is currently facing a handful of problems. but if despite these defections and rumors, Gibo manages to solve all these problems he is facing, it will give him the much needed boost he needs because it would show how capable he is, on how good his leadership skills are, that he will certainly be a very good president. like i said in an earlier blog post, Teodoro still has a chance of winning and he has better chance of winning compared to Estrada.

unfortunately, im still not voting for Gibo. why? because my basis is not how competent the candidate is but what their respective administrations will look like (and its socio-economic and political impact to the country. haha). right now, i think an Aquino administration is better than a Teodoro administration...in our current situation.

the way i see it, a Teodoro administration is like a "mild" version of what i think a Gordon administration will look like. a leadership of this kind is what the country needs but not necessarily what the country wants. an Aquino administration on the other hand will be more focused on what the country wants and might go for what the country needs from time to time. the latter is something the country will find easier to accept.

also, an Aquino administration looks more "interesting" compared to a Teodoro administration which i consider as very promising (while an Arroyo administration is annoying). the problem with characterizing something as promising is the uncertainty it brings with it.

tabula rasa

if there will be a time that i will be proven wrong, please let it be this one.

ive been right about most things. i have correctly predicted the outcome of most situations. so far ive been right about how 2010 will be. if im still right about this particular occurrence (which i have classified as an inevitability since last year), them im almost certain how the rest of the year will play out (which also gives me a vague idea about the next couple of years). and if things go the way i see it will go, i see only one option that could help me endure what's about to happen.

in an unrelated matter, another earthquake happened, this time in China. maybe an earthquake can save me from this situation? maybe. but thats just the easy way out of the predicament i placed myself in. i wonder if this is how suicidal people feel like when they want to quit life? well, much as i want to quit, life just doesnt want to quit on me. besides, in my life, there is no such thing as an easy way out so i would probably get used to it after some time and bounce back again after hitting this abysmal low im about to take. well, that is, if im still going to be right and my foresight is just that good.   

im a mechanical being with a non-mechanical existence

the world and the system that makes it work is very rational. logic reigns supreme. humans on the other hand have irrational tendencies. in the realm of the irrational, love reigns supreme. but this is just a human tendency because man remains to be a rational animal and collectively operates in a rational world. its the irrational that makes things interesting i guess. but rationality is what prevents this world from crumbling into chaos. therefore rationality is the basis of the human world order. this is what makes civilization possible. but small doses of irrationality makes the world go round. it what moves people beyond being simple mechanical creatures.

one month to go

in about a month, we will cast our votes and elect the next set of national public officials. my cousin asked me a few days ago who i think will win the presidential race. i said i dont know. last year i told him its going to be a fight between Aquino and Villar. eventually i said its going to be a 3 way contest between Aquino, Teodoro and Villar. with about a month to go, i think its still probable for Teodoro to catch up and its still possible for him to win. highly improbable and almost impossible but there's still a chance. Teodoro has a better chance of winning compared to Estrada even if the latter ranks third in the surveys.

today is april 5

at this very moment, i now have around a thousand unread emails. and i dont know when i will have time to read them. problem is, reading these unread emails will never be a priority and at the same time i cant delete them without reading them. damn it. its a thing of mine i cant break.

as of yesterday, i was addicted to chips, chocolate and coca-cola. i consume them every single day since around mid-january of this year. im going to try to do something with this addiction...by replacing it with new ones. it doesn't have to be food. my siblings also noted that this might be the first summer that i havent watched 50 First Dates. well, probably not yet. why? the DVDs broken. i need to buy a new DVD of the movie. 

last summer, my best friends were coffee, cigarettes and sisig. i just needed it to help me get by.

in a few minutes, it will be 2am. and the saying "nothing good happens after 2am" proved to be true last year. probably the saddest things happen after 2am. or maybe im just a very unfortunate person.

in a few hours, i will wake up and confront the mess ive placed myself into and wind up some things at work.

i didnt know there was such a thing as...

a serious game. decided to look it up after being criticized as being too serious and i thought if there's a game for serious people like me.

running out of tricks

answering an exam where you dont know the answer is like pulling a rabbit from a hat. pulling a rabbit from a hat doesnt make sense yet its amusing to watch. thats the same way i see it when i take an exam and i dont know the answer. i give an answer that doesnt make any sense but for some reason, the answer is worth some credit (it doesnt necessarily mean that the answer must be amusing but merely not a complete waste of time for the one checking it. the answer is worth giving some thought). and like the magic trick, its like pulling an answer out of nowhere and try to make it presentable.

unfortunately, that wasnt the case a while ago when i took the exam. i wasnt able to pull a rabbit from the hat and even if i managed to do it, i dont think my professor would like a magic trick.

it rained today and it was nice

Only love can make it rain
The way the beach is kissed by the sea
Only love can make it rain
Like the sweat of lovers' laying in the fields

Love, Reign o'er me
Love, Reign o'er me, rain on me, reign o'er me

Only love can bring the rain
That makes you yearn to the sky
Only love can bring the rain
That falls like tears from on high

Love, reign o'er me, rain on me
Love, reign o'er me, rain on me, reign o'er me

On the dry and dusty road
The nights we spend apart alone
I need to get back home to cool cool rain

I can't sleep and I lay and I think
The nights are hot and black as ink
Oh God, I need a drink of cool cool rain

Love, reign o'er me, rain on me
Oh love, reign o'er me, reign on me

Burger King now serving beer!

i dont know when this started in the Philippines but based from a quick browse from Google search results, this started in the US this January 2010.

This move by BK generated mixed reactions (from "hell yeah!" to "this is stupid" and "it will generate lawsuits"). personally, i like it. when i saw the poster here (im in BK right now to study for an exam), i quickly thought its an interesting move. of course this is a product of market research and i wonder what their research told them to go for this unlikely move to serve beer.

im not much of a beer drinker myself lately so i wont benefit from this new menu. i just really find it interesting. maybe this move is safer for BK to do compared to McDonalds because BK's usual customers come from a certain age group and social class that are mostly responsible drinkers. that is the assumption.

seems plausible.

In the sex game, stressed men choose dissimilar mates.  

and i thought i was just turning into a robin scherbatsky. too much stuff to do leads to lowered standards and poor decisions. too busy to care. 

sleepless nights coming up

its crunch time once again. not only at school but also at work.

for school, i have a final exam this coming saturday. that means i have to go on leave for two days to study. that means i have to finish one week's worth of work in 3 days instead of 5. that means longer hours in the office.

and my work contract is about to end in a few weeks. so i have to deliver my required outputs before march ends.

just a few more weeks before...i crash and burn. this means i have to work twice as hard before the nasty beginning kicks in. seems like a waste of effort but well, i need to do what i have to do.

well, at least ive been conditioning myself to desensitize myself a bit from what's about to happen and ive come up with plans so i wont stop from moving forward. well, its a step forward because it makes me productive in a way.

life is harsh. and so am I

never slow down for anything. never stop for anyone. life is bearable this way since this is how life is basically.

"That's the thing about greed arch. It's blind, and it doesn't know when to stop."  - Lenny Cole

maybe amnesia can help

When you can see the future, you think you're capable of changing it. But you're just a witness to coming moments, unable to help, even if you wanted to and maybe you don't. Sometimes you think you're supposed to learn something, about patience or distance, but in the end it's all about discipline. Seeing things you don't always want to and just moving on. After a while things become easier. Your dream keeps your mind from wandering. You begin to accept things as they are. Every man has his destiny. You can't escape it, even if you can see it coming.- Pleasure

Imagine a world without God

i need to wake up and stop ignoring the God awful shitty mess im in. it might be making things easy but its not solving the problem. ignoring it wont change the reality that im going to crash and burn for the nth time. sure ill bounce back but every time i fall down, i cant bounce back as high as before. and im starting to feel the pressure being generated by this mess. and i hate the fact thats its almost breaking me but it never does. always close to the breaking point but it never quite reaches it. how annoying can it get?

right now, i dont know how some people can still think i have a bright future ahead of me. how strangers can tell to me that i will become someone great. i wish they would stop saying such annoying things. im not a gullible person nor stupid enough to think thats possible with where im heading. i dont know how people can still continue to have faith in me.

im trying to kill the blind optimism inside of me. its not doing me any good.

i think i am losing what's left of my mind

aim high.

 if you miss the mark, plummet then plunge. then rinse and repeat until you reach the astronomically high and the abysmally low.


Asok: My relatives want me to have an arranged marriage.

Wally: If they find someone who's totally hot and has low standards, ask if she has a sister.

Asok: What about love?

Wally: How can you not love THAT?

L-O-V-E's just another word i never learned to pronounce

im amazed that people still think im capable of loving another person. some people still expect that something will happen. that this love thing is for everybody. isnt it obvious that im not capable of such thing? its my defect, its my disability. i will admit that there might be something wrong with me (note, i said "might") but thats just the way i am. im a very rational (and self-centered) person and the irrational just doesnt work for me. i find it hard to deal with the irrational. the realm of the rational is my comfort zone and i will never go out of this zone for the simple reason that there's no point exploring outside its realm. so please, stop pestering me with nonsense and just accept the fact that people like me exist. im really getting tired of explaining and answering "why" questions that im surprised to learn happen to be really irrelevant and a waste of brain cells. i used to think all "why" questions are questions worth answering. im just really annoyed right now.

i should work in a casino

i just thought of a "game" to make life a bit interesting. i thought of it when i remembered harold crick categorizing and jotting down whether the stuff that happens to him is a tragedy or a comedy. of course, its boring to just categorize things to find out whether im in a tragedy or a comedy. so in the game that i thought of, what i would do is, make my life either as a tragedy or comedy depending on life's response. this somehow makes use of the concepts of fate and free will. well, more of the exercise of free will based from fate. well, its more of a game of chance followed by an exercise of free will.

anyway, the game goes like this:

so im bored. i see something like a car about to reach an intersection. if it goes left, i do something that will screw my life. like, flunk an exam. if it goes right, i will do the opposite, meaning do something to improve my life, like aim for a perfect score. if it goes straight and not make a turn, then i do what im in the mood to do when the exam comes. so thats three choices dependent on what will happen. of course, thats the simplest explanation. being the person that i am, it will never be as simple as that. i will make it very complicated, like inducing something to happen or trying to elicit a response from a group of people and try to come up with a general assessment whether its a positive or negative response. of course, this isnt an original idea. people do this all the time. its even based from the coin toss practice. only difference is, i make it more complicated and my future is on the line. well, not really. since i dont care about my future anymore, i cant really say my future is on the line. im just bored and i just want to do things. unfortunately, im afflicted with this unknown disease where i need a reason to do things. sadly, there is no cure for it but to do idiotic things like coming up with this stupid yet surprisingly interesting (well, a bit interesting) game. at least i can conduct social experiments and get to use my social environment in making decisions based on chance.

5 more pounds...

and ive gained the 25 pounds ive lost since 2008. it took me more than a year to lose 25 pounds. i gained 20 pounds since september. that cant be right. well, last august 2009, my weight was 145 pounds (when i graduated from college back in 2004, i was around 150-155 pounds). now, i weigh at 165. the weighing scale must be defective. or im really gaining weight really quickly. i never thought i can gain this much weight in just a few months. wait, i think i have thought that i can gain weight quickly (the same way i can lose 5 pounds overnight). i proposed a bet years ago that i can gain 10 pounds in a month. well, there were no takers. so im going to test myself whether i really can gain at least 10 pounds in a month. today is the 24th of january. by the 24th of february, my weight must be at least 175. this is a challenge for someone who loses weight quickly.

wow, im talking about my weight. life must be extremely boring lately. or very uneventful.

chained to being unchained

im starting to hate the fact that i moved on when i shouldnt have. oh well. its another addition to my accumulating losses. now that i think about it, its weird that i find it difficult not to move on. maybe im too used to failure. yeah sure i dwell on some stuff sometimes but i dont really get stuck. i just keep moving forward...or backward...or sideways. the thing is, i always move. im stuck on not being stuck. if i do appear to be stuck, its an illusion. there's always something brewing behind the scenes. i think this is the curse of people who always plan too far ahead

how?

how can people operate on a daily basis with only three hours of sleep? i slept around 5am and woke around 8am. right now, im trying not to fall asleep. but its pointless to stay awake since my brain cant function and be productive.

the perfect way to snare a girl with daddy issues

I love How I Met Your Mother

the dance/musical for the 100th episode "girls v suits"



i also liked the guest star Stacy Keibler. unfortunately, Michelle Mccool is my favorite WWE Diva, followed by Tori Wilson, then Stacy Keibler. but i guess the first two wont pass as hot bartender for the episode.

Girls versus Suits (HIMYM S5E12)

"you never know when youre about to meet someone really important. its not like life gives you a warning. you just look up and there they are" - Future Ted Mosby 

"its funny. sometime you walk into a place youve never been before. but you get the feeling youre exactly where youre supposed to be" - Future Ted Mosby

funny people

i heard a rumor just now that if proven to be true will confirm everything i thought will happen. it would further convince me that i do have a good sense of foresight. and it will also convince me that i have indeed figured out where my life is headed and my attitude towards it is just appropriate. if this rumor is true...i have seen everything and life just became as boring as lint.

the most i can do is try to amuse myself with the details.

phoenix philosophy

in my december 29, 2008 blog post, i said that my theme for 2009 will be "i dont want to survive, i want to live/let go and simply live". i think i was able to partially do this for 2009.

what can i say about the year 2009?  i remember that during the first 2 weeks of january 2009, i was really motivated in taking my studies seriously and preparing myself for life after law school. like i said in 2008, my plans were taking shape and i intended to start executing it in 2009. i spent 2008 preparing myself for the life that i have chosen to take. 2009 was supposed to be the year that i apply what i have prepared myself for. well, life is filled with surprises. something happened in mid-january that made me completely contradict myself. the months of preparation were quickly placed in the backseat and i allowed to happen something that ive always avoided from happening. this something lasted for more or less a couple of months. in that short period, it made me experience happiness and made me want it too. it made me live my life differently. it also gave me a reason to wake up every day. unfortunately, in the end, there was the realization of truly wanting it but not being wanted at the same time. having these two realizations cant exist together. even if that was the case, its not something i will regret. it made me contradict myself. in a way, i lost myself to it. but in this experience of losing myself made me gain something out of it. like the rolling stone's song that was sung in the last episode of Glee (if im not mistaken), you cant always have what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.

right after this something ended, i started my insane attempt to take the bar exams. even if during 2008 i accepted the fact already that i wont be taking the 2009 bar exams, i suddenly forced the idea of trying to take it. i enrolled in the arellano bar review program and moved in a studio type apartment located near arellano, along taft avenue. i also took two subjects in arellano law. it kept me busy for two months. by june, i already knew that taking the 2009 bar wont happen. this is when i started looking for employment. three weeks later, i got myself hired in CODE-NGO. thanks to 2 college blockmates that informed me of the opening and referred me to the NGO. it kept me busy until the 2nd semester of school year 2009-2010 started.

it was also in june that i was able to confirm something ive always thought would happen. i am convinced that i have a good sense of foresight.

anyway, being busy is really not my thing. i would always opt to be idle and do nothing. i dreamed of being a bum. but 2009 kept me busy, especially during its latter half. its in its latter half that i started getting myself back on track. its also in this latter half that made me see that life can be really weird (aside from being incredibly harsh with its annoying sense of humor. i mean, no matter how you plan your life, life can bring surprises that can either be good or nasty that would disrupt the plans). but at least its nice enough to give me something good from time to time, like a wonderful distraction. the only thing that can pull me out of my busy life and prevent me from suffering from burn out.

so in 2009, I lived, loved, lost and learned, i enrolled in another law school (making me a cross-enrollee/cross-registrant), i enrolled in a bar review program, i finally got myself employed, i became a working student, i experienced not being able to graduate on time, i had an apartment to myself, lost my cellphone to a pickpocket, attended three wakes (mother of a law school blockmate, great grandmother of a law school blockmate and Corazon Aquino's), attended my cousin's wedding (just two days ago. so its three wakes and a wedding. i think i'll rent four weddings and a funeral), got myself in a fender bender involving a BMW, did seven regional consultation workshops, one national conference, one FGD, and one information forum as part of my work duties (something i never thought i will do), finally bought a bouquet of flowers for someone for valentine's day (something that i always think of doing but never managed to do. so i didnt get to use the "i was supposed to buy you one but...i forgot/the shops were closed/its too cliche" line), became a coffee shop person (the reason i bought a coffee maker is because i dont want to study in coffee shops!), got married to my laptop (because i always bring it everywhere i go. even to the beach), i started smoking again, got drunk very often (so often that i dont like to drink beer anymore), took a removal exam, met someone i thought was inevitable i would meet, attended a ball, bought myself a suit, attended SFC meetings (wasnt able to finish it), liked another tv program called Glee, wasnt able to watch all the movies i listed i planned to watch in 2009 but i think i was able to watch half of it, got addicted to mafia wars in facebook, a college blockmate gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and another college blockmate got engaged to a tv personality, i didnt notice my birthday that much since i was really busy and i spent the entire christmas day home alone. 

2009, i think, is primarily a year of big losses and small victories. whatever doesnt kill me simply makes me stranger.

whats my plan for 2010? move forward, get rid of weaknesses and never look back. not sure if i will take the metaphorical leap like the one in HIMYM. it depends on the opportunities i will be able to generate and the stuff life will throw at me this time. now if something happens again this january, life should be able to come up with something new or something creative. im going to use 2010 to make up for lost time so i would really strive not to deviate anymore from what i have planned.

i hope someday...

i can remotely access desktops and external hard disks with a laptop. i need to look into some files stored in the office PC and the office external hard disk. until i can do that...some stuff will have to remain as pending tasks.

im not a workaholic. i just dont have time to be idle.

im in tagaytay right now. while my family and relatives are thinking of how they will spend the day, having nothing to do wont be my problem for today (and for the next coming months). i slept around 1:30am last night, doing some stuff i can do after a tiring day yesterday. it wasnt much but at least i was able to do something. i woke up around 730 am today. after having breakfast, im back working on the stuff im doing. for sure, im going to drop anything im working on tonight by 11pm. will resume it tomorrow afternoon. 

crap

i have insomnia! and i have a schedule to keep. i only have a few days left before the year ends. i still have lots of stuff to do. im too tired to read more law school stuff, do some research for work and do the other stuff i need to do. besides, i cant stay up this late when classes and work start again. why the hell do i have to have this insomnia now? well, insomnia or no insomnia, i will have to stick to the schedule. i wont finish things in time if i adjust it. damn it. i hate this sleep disorder.

simple pleasure

the take over, the breaks over

a few years ago, my cousin commented that she never treated me like a baby. although she remembers me as being a hyperactive kid, she said the next thing she knew i was too "old" to be treated like a baby because i grew up too quick. so she never did treat me like one. even if she was seven years older than me, she always saw me as someone who acted more mature for my age (and she somehow made me feel that i have some ascendancy over her). she said to me more than a decade ago (after a heated argument with me) that sometimes she forgets that im just a kid and treats me as someone who should act as if im in the same age group as her. she did treat me like one. well, thats how she saw me. i dont think my other cousins see me this way. im still regarded as someone who knows a lot about nothing and has proven nothing. i havent done anything concrete that's worth recognizing.

anyway, a college blockmate also made a similar comment. that i was someone mature and she never thought i would be friends with some childish person.

i think the mistake in their perception lies in their interpretation or equating my seriousness with maturity. im simply just a very serious person. i dont loosen up. i dont relax. i dont have fun. i am an extremely inhibited being (there's only a handful of people who can make me loosen up and have seen me loosen up. and it doesnt involve getting intoxicated).

its not that i dont know how to have fun. its just i dont feel like having fun anymore. my idea of a fun party is when the night becomes a blur and i wake up having no idea how i got there or who i was with. last time that happened was way back in 2004. since 2004, the "party animal" in me slowly faded away. now, i dont like to drink beer as much as i did back in 2004 (when drinking beer was almost a weekly thing). i dont even like the taste of beer anymore (there was a time that i get teary eyed when i drink an ice cold bottle of beer after months of not being able to drink one). now, i only attend social gatherings which i think are necessary or where i have a purpose for attending because i dont have free time anymore (i attended a dinner recently and i asked the people with me if there's a purpose for the gathering. they said its just a dinner and because we havent seen each other for quite some time. my reaction was, "really? thats it?" sometimes i ask myself what the hell is wrong with me). now, i think im too old for parties. ive said no to a lot of fun activities and out of town opportunities (thats not work related) this year (well, the latter half of the year at least). i never stop thinking of the things i ought to do or accomplish. i guess with this level of seriousness, people think i act too old for my age. at 26, im really starting to think im too old to do fun stuff. im starting to think like ted mosby in Season 4 episode 19. but then again, i am 26. that is old. so maybe i am acting appropriately for my age.

the comment made by my cousin entered my head when i realized what i was doing. its the 26th of december (in a few minutes it will be the 27th) and im reading the philippine general banking law and planning the work i need to do in the next few days before the classes and work start in january. thats all i think about recently. i never thought i would be this kind of person. maybe im the one who has a wrong perception.

its 1:30 am

and im craving for chicken wings! i cant think of a place where i can get me some.

the object of my aversion

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so much
It makes you sorry
Still you don't regret a single day.

When I think of all the times I've tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry;
And she promises the earth to me
And I believe her
After all this time I don't know why

She's the kind of girl who puts you down
When friends are there, you feel a fool.
When you say she's looking good
She acts as if it's understood.
She's cool

Was she told when she was young that pain
Would lead to pleasure?
Did she understand it when they said
That a man must break his back to earn
His day of leisure?
Will she still believe it when he's dead?

thank God for K

i cant believe im going to say this but...i need more time. i need more time to do the things i need to do. a lot of people have told me to take a break but i just cant stop. im tired but i still keep working on things i need to work on. not that im always working (and when i say work, i dont only mean the stuff i do where im currently employed, it includes stuff related to law school and other stuff that i need to accomplish like responsibilities and commitments). i take breaks. but those breaks are really more of gaps between the many stuff i do. the breaks i take arent really time spent on unwinding. right now, im thinking of christmas day as a day thats getting in the way of getting things done. and the christmas break is some extra time i can use to catch up with other stuff ive neglected (but right now, im thinking, the time i have is not enough. maybe i did lose a whole year). i now have 260 unread emails and i dont even know if i will have time to sit down and read them. sleep is the only thing i look forward to at the end of the day. good food and good music prevents me from becoming irritable. other than these things, theres my sweet little distraction that gives me the energy to last another week. oh, and there's FMA, NS and HIMYM. there's also MW in facebook. 

i need to calm down, breathe slowly and then sleep. but thats hard to do when my mind just wont stop thinking. im planning of watching a movie tomorrow but at the same time im planning what productive things i can do before and after the movie to maximize my day. i just need to make sure that each day wont be a wasted on useless stuff. whatever happened to the lazy bum in me? each day, i just become more serious.

ive got the eye of thundera

wow, its already the 16th. i managed to finish another year. well, almost. i doubt the remaining days of the year will make me change my mind or change how i feel about this year. i really dont like this year. the bad things really outweigh the good things that came my way. if i take a closer look at the things that happened to me this year, the best thing that happened to me was being given a good distraction in the form of a sweet and addictive type of rice. haha. and being a distraction, its supposed to be temporary. all good things must come to an end i guess. im going to miss my sweet little distraction. the next best thing that happened is employment. in effect, by letting go of the best thing that happened to me this year, there's really nothing good that happened this year that i will carry next year (except the employment thing). im going to abandon everything about this year at the stroke of midnight come 2010. 2010 isnt looking good either. but at least im going to make sure i learn from my experiences this year.

next year is starting to take shape. i hate it when i know more than i should by seeing things ahead. i also hate it when im always right about things (or how things will be). right now, i will try to focus on the christmas break which is a time for me to get a lot of things done. seeing too far ahead is really not giving me anything good. 

bang bang shoot shoot nurse = happiness

"On this day of your life, Tristan, we believe God wants you to know ... that every moment is an opportunity for you to be happy.
    
You know how sometimes it seems that life is just throwing you one curved ball after another? Well, guess what, - you have a great way to respond! - you can use every opportunity, every single one, to be happy. Don't just take a shower - feel into and receive pleasure from the water on your skin. Don't just walk on the street - enjoy the fragrances of the trees and the flowers on your way. Don't just drive your car - sing karaoke to your favorite radio station."


really? i have a great way to respond? what is happiness? for some, happiness is someone. for me, its is a state of a mind. its a choice. maybe i do have a great way of responding. 

im going to be 42 by january 2010

i was planning on finally retiring from a life i used to live and enjoy (i enjoyed it to a certain extent). its been probably 5 or 6 years ago since i truly engaged in this kind of life. i found peace in this kind of life but there's no real future in it. the social set-up doesnt really favor such a life. thats why ive been thinking of finally ditching it. ive been planning lately what kind of life to live for the next few years (im leaning in favor of living a shallow and meaningless life because its simpler. ive had enough of the deep and meaningful stuff. in the end it wont really matter to anyone anyway what life i lived). and this life im referring to now isnt really something i would like to have. i may have enjoyed it before but i doubt im going to enjoy it now with the level of awareness ive achieved. its going to be a struggle to find peace again. and ive changed a lot since then so i might not be as effective and as good as before. certainly im not as sharp as before. my sense of perception isnt as keen as it used to.

well, im being called out of retirement. im flattered because despite years of being inactive, some still have faith in my abilities, with what i can do, with what i can offer and contribute. im never a disappointment to those who really believe that i can do what they expect me to do. thats why even if engaging in this kind of life was not one of the options im considering, im getting myself out of retirement just because i was asked to and i was convinced that im needed. if someone else could do it, i could have easily said "no thank you. im out of the game. im too rusty to play again". 

why am i depriving myself of rest? ive been aging too fast and now im going to age faster with the things and situations im getting myself in. and i just realized now that i need some spare time to engage in this life to do it properly. damn it. where the hell am i going to get that? well, i will just have to rely more on past experience and hope it works because aside from not having enough time, a lot of brain cells have died since then. if i fail to pull this off, its going to really convince me to retire for good.

from facebuko.com

One meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it.

Everything is determined, the beginning as well as the end, by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect, as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper. - Albert Einstein

Fate is what happens to you when your luck runs out. - Michael Garrett Marino

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.  - Sir Winston Churchill

easy to read

i get rashes when im stressed. i cough when im tired and ive reached my physical limit. i touch my lower lip with my right index finger when im asked and the answer isnt good or i dont know the answer. i look up when i suddenly wonder about something. i hum when i nervous.

handshake of carbon monoxide

as soon as you're born, you start dying

ive been thinking of the concept of "moving heaven and earth" for someone. for me its...senseless. even if someone moves heaven and earth for me, if i really dont like the person, that person wont get a shot. not even a slight chance. so she moved heaven and earth for me. so? i didnt ask her to (or if i did, i was just joking. or simply being mean). and i will admit that showing to me that she can move heaven and earth is quite a feat but again, so? is such an act supposed to make me fall for a person? if so, why? i really dont like the person. my mind wont change. nor will my feelings change. point is, some things are just plain impossible or will never happen (even if heaven and earth switch places. or hell freezes over). its like a fact of life. some things arent meant to be or supposed to happen. thats the way life is.

if her name is holly, ill be damned

...all that childhood fairy tale nonsense

i just finished watching 500 days of summer. after weeks of looking for someone to watch it with, i decided to just download it (i think its no longer in cinemas). and i just watched it now because im waiting for an album download to finish (Glee: The Music Volume 1).

so what do i think? well, now i understand the people's comments (ranging from cute to disappointment). the movie as a whole is...ok. it is an offbeat romcom. its not a torture to watch like the Dragonball movie or Pathfinder or D-Wars. i dont think ive ever seen a romcom that was so horrible that i couldnt bear watching it again. i certainly dont find it addictive (like 50 First Dates, Terminator2, Transformers, Stranger than Fiction, The Wedding Singer, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Forgetting Sarah Marshall). its not horrible by the way. its really just...ok. its likeable. maybe my problem with it is that its too realistic. if i wanted something real, i would just go do it or live it myself. maybe im not in the mood for something real.

as for the characters, i think summer is wise and tom is an idiot. why cant more women be like summer? well, because if there were more summers, the world has to deal with more toms and that sucks. there are lots of idiot guys. some jerks turn into idiots when they think theyve found the one. im not even sure if there is such a thing. when i hear the one, two characters come into mind: Neo from the Matrix and Duncan Macleod, the Highlander. the latter isnt really the one but it just comes to mind because "there can be only one".

i keep digressing...

i think tom was a good portrayal of what guys undergo...well, idiotic guys undergo after a break-up (but i like Forgetting Sarah Marshall portrayal better). why is tom an idiot? because his expectations arent aligned with reality and summer had to say this to make him realize he's being an idiot: "You weren't wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me." but then again, thats what made it realistic. you can be absolutely right about something but entirely wrong about someone. thats what makes it painful to accept. its not being wrong per se but being half right and half wrong. i think its easier to accept that one is completely wrong than be half right and half wrong because chances are, if one thinks he or she is half-right, it doesnt usually follow that he or she thinks that he or she is half-wrong. i think we have an inclination to focus more on being right than being wrong. and i dont think its common for us to think that we can be both. right and wrong. anyway, being in the half-half state is like finally having something perfect to give but the person you want to receive it wouldnt want to receive it for the simple reason that its the wrong person. and that wrong person is right in thinking that. i guess thats what sucks about it. i wouldnt really know. this is a "missing piece" by shel silverstein situation and i dont have a missing piece because im a big o. yes, i still insist that im a big o despite the objections.

this is my favorite line in the movie:
Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

a few years ago, a female friend said its difficult to dump guys. my reaction was like "really? why? isnt it as simple as saying no? youre pretty, you can get away with things." well, now i understand why its not that simple and why some resort to cliche break up lines. but i think its better to just say it straight the way summer did. its painful but its clear, its honest, its truthful. if one cant do this, i guess it makes sense to just...disappear without a trace. i think thats a clear sign too.

i dont get this:
Summer: I named my cat after Springsteen.
Tom: Cool... what was his name?
Summer: Bruce.

is there any other answer than Bruce?

lastly, this is why i think Summer is wise, because of her awareness of this:
Tom (on summer's previous relationships): what happened? why didnt they work out?
Summer: What always happens. life.

i think Tom should adopt Robin's approach in How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Episode 8: The Playbook. thats how life is. it happens. the only way life wont happen is if youre prepared for everything life can bring. when there's nothing life can surprise you with. in such situtations, the only thing left to do is wait for life to stop. ive been told before that this is how life is. this is how it operates and i agree. i believe that life does happen when its supposed to happen.

i feel really old

reality bites

Lelaina: I was really going to be somebody by the time I was 23.
Troy: Honey, all you have to be by the time you're 23 is yourself.
Lelaina: I don't know who that is anymore.
Troy: I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again, but I love her.
***
Lelaina: I'd like to somehow make a difference in people's lives.
Troy: And I... I would like to buy them all a Coke.
Lelaina: And you wonder why we never got involved?
***
Troy: I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.
***
Lelaina: I just don't understand why things just can't go back to normal at the end of the half hour like on the Brady Bunch or something.
Troy: Well, 'cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Things don't turn out like that.

Guilt is like a bag of fuckin' bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down.

"Pressure. It changes everything. Pressure. Some people, you squeeze them, they focus. Others fold. Can you summon your talent at will? Can you deliver on a deadline? Can you sleep at night?" - John Milton

**********

John Milton: Free will, It's like butterfly wings. One touch and it never gets off the ground. I only set the stage. You pull your own strings

**********

John Milton: What did I say to you? WHAT WERE MY WORDS TO YOU? Maybe it was your time to lose. You didn't think so.

Kevin Lomax: Lose? I don't lose! I win! I win! I'm a lawyer, that's my job, that's what I do!

John Milton: I rest my case. Vanity is definitely my favorite sin. Self-love, it's so basic. It's not like you didn't care for Mary Ann, Kevin. You were just a little more involved with someone else: yourself.

Kevin Lomax: You're right. I did it all. I let her go.

John Milton: Don't be too hard on yourself, Kevin. You wanted something more.

Kevin Lomax: I let her go and just kept on moving.

**********

Kevin Lomax: Why the law? Cut the shit, Dad! Why the lawyers? Why the law?

John Milton: Because the law, my boy, puts us into everything. It's the ultimate backstage pass. It's the new priesthood, baby. Did you know there are more students in law school than lawyers walking the Earth?

**********

John Milton: Free will, it is a bitch.

sunny friday

Im not sure if it was april 10 or april 14...i think it was April 10, 2000. it was April 10, 2000 that i submitted my requirements in the admission office of ateneo to signify my intent to enroll as one of its new students for the school year 2000-2001. i wasnt excited. i wasnt disappointed either. ateneo's not bad. it just so happened that i wasnt planning to study in ateneo. i submitted those requirements a few days before the deadline. i think the deadline was April 14. i was still trying to think if there were other ways for me to be accepted in UP or UST. thats why when i submitted my requirements in ateneo, i felt that i was already running out of time and running out of options. i was thinking that maybe its in ateneo im supposed to end up.

the reason i remembered that day was because of today's sunny day. its a really sunny friday today and this bright and somewhat cheerful sunshine somehow resembles that day i set foot on ateneo to declare my intention to be its student. i just realized that it must have been a beautiful day that day. i just didnt notice because then things werent going as i wanted things to be.

having days like this, an atmosphere that resembles a similar atmosphere in a memorable past makes me feel that time is indeed an illusion

freak on a leash

"im appointing you as my assistant. i want you to protect my back. do you understand? if im leaving you in charge of defending my back, it means you can shoot me from behind at any time. if i ever stray from my path, shoot me right away with those hands.you have that right. will you follow me?" - Roy Mustang

im running out of time. im running out of options. one person can only do so much. i already made my decision. i just dont know how it can be done exactly with the little time remaining because of the delays incurred. with what happened recently, i think luck isnt on my side. i doubt a miracle will happen. damn it. i have to do everything myself. really bothersome.

too good to be true

i was wrong. life wasnt making a change in its course, it was actually adjusting mine. sneaky, sneaky. well, at least its still doing what i thought it will do. only this time, im not in favor of what its doing (as usual and as expected) and its not the course i want to take.

interesting

it seems life is changing its course. its trying not to do things the way ive foreseen it or the way i expected it will do. its like playing chess or a game of cards and the opponent suddenly breaks its old style of playing the game. youre a sneaky little bastard life. but by changing its course, as of this moment, its running along the path i want it to take. so it makes me wonder if life is finally giving in or it has another trick up its sleeve. in any case, its making things interesting. and im already in my third week of being in a good mood. a bit bored but at least not in a foul mood.

delightful

i still havent seen the movie...

i liked the hopscotch part...

what i realized in this video is how physically unfit ive become. joseph gordon levitt lifted zooey deschanel so easily during the latter part of the video. i struggle lifting a girl 5-6 inches shorter than but with the same build as zooey deschanel! i really need to exercise.

give me five!

its been two weeks that ive been in a "good" mood. thats really something. and this week, life somehow made things a bit...interesting and intriguing.

a flat tire last monday changed my usual routine that lead me to a situation that was quite nice.

and last tuesday, a weird incident made me wonder of life's sense of humor.

as for wednesday, it brought to my attention that sometimes, its the unexpected that's more reliable.

and today, thursday, made me think of how serious i am of the things i say or i have said.

now i doubt life can go for five days in a row. it either has to bring someone new or bring someone from a past that ive decided to forget. i dont think it can pick anyone anymore from the current line-up. coming up with four is something i never thought it could pull off. sorry life, you have to give me five in order for me to consider the offer. its because im greedy and im hoping to jinx it before it can even start. and if you really are serious with your offer, dont push things my way, shove it. letting things happen over and over again really gets boring.

Tasogare

The Pervy Sage: Getting dumped makes a man stronger. And if he's not able to laugh it off, he won't be able to fulfill his duties as a man. At least joke about it.

Tsunade: So a man's duty is to be strong?

The Pervy Sage: you could put it that way. besides, men arent supposed to pursue stuff like happiness.

Tsunade: stop trying to act so cool. if women werent around, there'd be no one to dump your ass.

The Pervy Sage: so true.

Note to Self

one way not to break a promise is...by not making one. i managed to keep all the promises ive made and i never make promises i cant keep. i would like to keep it that way.

i dont want a cellmate, i want a beautiful cell...or pretty warden

i just realized that one of the important traits i unconsciously look for was a girl's ability to become my cell. i need to feel that she can restrain me when necessary. thats the only time i can relax and loosen up. i need a cell in order to become myself and be truly free. thats...weird. but thats what i realized just now. now i understand my enumeration back in college of what i look for and constitute my perfect girl. i thought it was just my thing to find a girl who can do this or knows that but now i realize that i wanted someone who can stop me from losing control. or can guarantee i wont be in full control. now i understand my excuse a few years ago. why do i keep forgetting things like these? thats why im posting it. so in the future, i will have this nagging thought that the answer is somewhere in this blog.

google me

The shadowy side of Sagittarius can be a dreadful name-dropper and groupie...[T]he Sagittarian shadow likes to be where it's all happening, and with the people that it's all happening to; and somehow, with his marvelously intuitive nose, he manages to be in the right restaurant at the right time and meets the right person. One of Sagittarius' gifts is the ability to make contacts and spot opportunities. This gift is put to service of the Sagittarian shadow when the archer uses other people as his opportunities, and drops them when they're not useful...[T]he really good groupies, the ones who managed to build a veritable career out of basking in somebody else's limelight, were usually the Sagittarians.

good thing i read this article now and made me realize that ive become a dreadful name-dropper and a very subtle groupie. now that i think about it, i didnt become a name-dropper, ive always been a name-dropper. i just didnt notice it. just another one of the inherent traits i have to be mindful of and try to restrain.

Note to Self

i have to constantly remind myself to never assume that the other person is on the same page. especially someone from the opposite sex. they just think too differently.

this note to self is so bothersome but somewhat necessary to avoid miscommunication...and the troublesome explanations that come after

its funny that two people can talk and think they're understanding each other and suddenly in the end the realization theyre not on the same page right from the beginning. annoying but shit happens. i find more troublesome the clarification part where both sides try not to admit that it was really the fault of both parties. or try to make it appear one party is more at fault than the other.

FMA 3rd Opening Theme

Cant focus. My body is still puzzled about what to do. im trembling. i cant stop even if i try to control myself. although neither sun nor moon are on my side, "ive no choice but to try." those were the words i muttered to myself. the odds arent on my side, but running away would be gutless. even if i cant see the future, ill just have to win it over with courage. i need to keep distance from the target as i hold myself back. all thats needed for victory is the pride to win. will we celebrate with the wine of victory or will we end up kissing their feet in defeat? there are two outcomes to everything. i want to control destiny. i need to seize the golden opportunity with my hands. i will finish it up with my best poker face, and drag them into a world of illusions. i will find my way out of this endless pressure game, and leap over the borderline of honor. but what will i need to sacrifice to make it happen? what is one thing i dont want to let go?

1528 messages deleted

"...the only question is whether we want to get on with our lives or desperately cling to the past" - Ted Mosby

i need to make room for work messages.

my sassy girl and sadako

when i get sad, i stop being sad and watch this instead

ready steady go

haha. thank you facebook for giving me a purpose. not an ultimate purpose but a purpose nonetheless. thank you for reminding me of one of my previous goals and now its time to pull myself together and get myself out of this losing streak. im a bit far behind (in time, money, experience and stature) and i dont know if i can remain in the race but i wont allow myself to lose now that i realized im not exactly out of the race yet. even if i get disqualified by circumstances, i ought to find a way to make sure i dont lose to this person. i should tap my competitive self to bring myself back on track and move on a faster pace.

i want coffee

i went to a nearby grocery to buy brewed coffee. when i got there, the person manning the booth was said to be having her break, probably late lunch break because it was 2pm. i waited for 10 minutes and then left.

i was also in a similar situation a month ago. i waited for 15 minutes because the person in charge of the smart eload station was out. and i really needed to load my smart sim at that time. it was also mid afternoon.

i realized that half of the time this year, i end up choosing the perfect wrong timing. it makes me wonder how many opportunities i have lost just by being at the wrong place and at the wrong time.

using my example above, it wasnt my fault i got there during her lunch break. how should i know that the person selling the coffee will be having her break? it wasnt her fault either that a paying customer like me arrived during her break. she had no idea someone was waiting and i just cant wait indefinitely since i have no idea when she will finish her break. and so the opportunity for her to sell and for me to buy the product was lost. if everything happens for a reason, then would that mean i wasnt supposed to buy the coffee? or she wasnt supposed to make the sale? had i bought the coffee, i would be in the mood to work and i wont be writing this. and i wont cram my work later or tomorrow morning. had she made the sale...i dont know what could possibly happen on her part. anyway its just a simple insignificant transaction that never happened that ruined my mood to work. could i get fired just because she wasnt able to sell me the coffee? or will she get fired by not selling enough coffee? or maybe the event has nothing to do with me at all. she had to be on her break so she will not encounter the interested paying customer after me which is 10 times more speculation than the speculation i just formulated.

i just want some brewed coffee. since i wont be having any, might settle for pizza or a margherita burger. i hope someone comes up with a chocolate and junk food delivery service.

its time to grow up

You are Edward Nigma/"The Riddler," a freelance criminologist turned master criminal and con artist. Recognition is what propels your actions, and you feel you've been underappreciated all your life. People themselves are riddles to you, and once they're solved, they're discarded. Mind games and entrapment are your forté, and you often toy with people for fun. Your mind is your most powerful asset, yet it contributes to a massive ego and a worldview that most people are inferior to yourself--or rather, that you'd like them to see it that way. Secretly, you fear being 'figured out' by anyone else, so you compensate by making bizarre but false claims, stumping people with misdirection, and performing elaborate stunts at others' expense. In your mind, you're weeding out the mentally unworthy. Ultimately, you force people to think about everything they do and say, for there is no right answer with The Riddler.

"What exists in a word, a letter, and in three; is asked too little and too much, yet is a building block of life and an enduring mystery? Give up? Why? Why is it that no one notices? No one thinks? Because nobody ever cares about the 'why' of the matter." ~The Riddler.

Earl Hickey Quotes

"Do good things and good things happen to you. Do bad things, they'll come back to haunt you"

"A purpose is a great thing to have. It gives you a reason to wake up every morning."

"I can't be anyone's boyfriend. I'm karma's bitch."

"A black cat crosses your path once, bad luck. It crosses your path twice, really bad luck. But three times, well that's when karma's trying to tell you something."

wait three days

"Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and then they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like "Uh okayy, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story." - Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)