why?

why do i have the tendency to make life hard for me? i dont know really, i just tell myself, its part of my training. training for what? i dont know too. i just feel compelled to do it. a person mocked me playfully, i think earlier this month, saying, "hi, im tristan, i do this and do that just for the sake of making things difficult" or something to that effect. i replied, when she asked why i do it, i just do stuff without thinking.

so, why complicate things when there's a simpler alternative? why am i compelled to make life as hard as possible? why cant i allow myself to enjoy life? the answer? i dont know. and i cant. like i said, im compelled to live this way as if, this is the way it should be done. for some reason, i think im right in doing so.

months before, ive made a decision which i felt is not a good one. but i felt compelled to do it. and now, looking back, and seeing how things are now, i think the decision ive made, no matter how much ive felt against it, was right. maybe i do have the gift of foresight. unexplainable foresight. sometimes i think that we see glimpses of the future, embedded in the subconscious. only thing is, the glimpses last for only seconds or just a second. a very thin slice of what will be. and from there, you get the feeling of where youre heading or what you should do. unfortunately, im always at the losing end.

the reason i want to decide against what i felt i should do is because, im going to be the one who will lose in that decision. but i had to because it seems the decision will benefit more people (as always, i let reason prevail). its like, i have to make the decision and sacrifice what i want in order to make way for what is necessary. ok, maybe thats not foresight, but merely exercise of good discretion. actually, it didnt seem as good discretion to me. it looked to me like some masochistic shit. i just tell myself that i operate on the basis of need, not want (which is true). so i dont listen to myself when i want something, i only pay attention to my needs and i still filter what those needs are. thats why when i was asked years ago (along EDSA near Makati) with the question "tristan, what do you want?like, if you could wish for something or have what you desire, what would you ask for?" i cant think of anything (and i wasnt able to answer her question) because sure there are simple material wants but to be asked of what i want thats much deeper than material shit, i dont know what i want because ive always focused on what i need. for me, wants are irrelevant because one can live without it. thats why my mother always tells me i lack ambition. ambition is a manifestation of what people want. i do have ambition, but i dont "cultivate" it. like i said, wants are irrelevant. i do have wants but i dont pay attention to them. i always ask myself "what do i need?"

again, i dont know where im heading with what im writing. better sleep if im not going to study any further for the take home exam. theres no point posting half-baked thoughts.