is cut and paste manual reblogging?

Last Words of a SONE to SNSD

The following is a blog/diary entry by a terminally ill SONE in July 2011, just weeks before SNSD’s solo concerts.

To: Girls’ Generation

You will probably never know who I am..
And you will probably never be able to read this.. ^^
But there’s someone who always diligently reposts my words so perhaps there is a chance.

I first saw you… September 2007… such a long time ago, right?
I bet you guys must also cringe at how you were back then…
Up until then, I had never been a fan of anything…
So how did I end up liking you so much?

I became addicted to cigarettes despite having been in ill-health
and I came to like you guys so much that I began to regret this,
When the first SONE fanclub membership was open… I wondered what the point of going that far would be.
To this day, I regret not joining… and last year, I could not because I came down with a sudden illness…
I regret so much that I couldn’t be more active in supporting you.
I realised too late how amazing it is to hang out with people, the SONE, who loved you and thought dearly of you as much as I did…
And 2008, when joy became horror… I had nobody to console or to be consoled by
But I stoically waited for you. And when it passed… and I saw the teaser for ‘Gee’
I cried silently.

Thank you.. Thank you so much.. Thank you for returning to our side..
But as you began your activities and I came to see you more often…
I began to forget to take care of my own body..

This would have been the first, and last, solo concert that I could have attended..
I’m sorry.. sorry that I don’t even have the strength to attend them now.

From the beginning to the end… I love you all… I wanted to see you…
I have never said “Right now, it’s Girls’ Generation” to you…
And so from now on, as long as my eyes are open and I still breathe, I will keep regretting…

I am not sad that I may have to go to America…
You guys are really famous now… no matter where I go, I can still hear news about you.

To you… I am just one of the hundreds of thousands of SONE…
In a concert arena, I am just one of the hundreds of SONE chanting for you…
On your birthday, I’m just one of the the hundreds of SONE writing letters to you…

Despite all that, I still like it all…
Because I feel your love…
I feel myself thinking so dearly of you, loving you…
Have I ever been a fan of anything this much in my life?
In the precious little time I have left, will I stop being this much of a fan ?
I don’t think so.

You know, even if I’m just one of
Hundreds of thousands… hundreds… I don’t mind.
SONE who say “I love you all forever”…
These really are the amazing people…
I don’t know if anyone else will see me like this, too…
But however I appear… but SNSD! You… all you need to know is this:
No matter where you are, no mater what you do…
We will be cheering you on.
Congratulations on your second solo concert… and I hope that you will stay healthy this year, too.

From,
a SONE among hundreds of thousands

Source: 내사랑단신님. (bestiz)
————-
This person successfully got the tickets to the concert, but was unable to attend. This was because they had to go to America on July 23rd for a last-chance medical treatment, with the SONE saying that this may be the end of the road.
We have not heard from them since.

I have been asked to spread this as wide as possible.
K-SONE are doing their part and spreading this post… so that SNSD can read the final words of a person who loved them so dearly and fulfill the dying wishes of a fellow SONE.

credits: bestiz, oniontaker@soshified.com, imwhywhy@twitter, dan4413jwfJUH@soshified.com, http://snsdkorean.com/

going back 365 days ago

its been one year, if im not mistaken, when i started getting addicted to SNSD.

if i remember correctly, by early august last year, i started browsing youtube videos of female celebrities i like, ranging from Audrey Hepburn to Megan Fox (opposite poles when it comes to acting), due to the intense boredom caused by the bar review.

one of the videos i checked out (or revisited, since this was the music video i watch to improve my mood since 2009) was Girls' Generation's Gee around August 10, 2010. it was only then that i learned and saw their music video "Oh". after that, my interest in the korean girl group just grew more and more and the next thing i know, i wasnt reviewing for the bar exams anymore.

well, i was still reviewing for the bar because it was already crunch time but i was spending my nights (from around 6pm onwards) watching various SNSD youtube clips until around 2am or even later. i dont know how i managed to finish my bar review but somehow i did. i remember always starting my day with a cup of coffee and three music videos before i start commencing reading any review material scheduled for the day. i also remember blaming august for ruining my review schedule because of my unexpected addiction to the girl group. i mean, i only had half a month to go before the first bar sunday and all of a sudden, i cant discipline myself to study. having something like watching youtube videos for hours wasnt covered by any review plan i had come up with. so i revised my review plan with only two weeks left so i can cover the crucial materials for the bar exams while still getting my fix. fortunately, im a person known for my speed. but still, i really cant remember how i managed to finish my bar review. what i remember are the times i sat in front of the laptop watching girls' generation youtube videos for hours and re-posting my favorite ones in another blog so i can easily watch it again.

a year has a passed and i dont think my infatuation junkie self will go away anytime soon. i still dont consider myself a fan because compared to most fans of the SNSD, my thing for SNSD is really nothing. their fans are really something. and its because of these fans that propelled the kpop girl group to where they are now.

coincidentally, it was august last year when they started doing their japan promotions and released their japanese version of their music video TMYW (Genie). just when i was starting to like them, they were already moving to japan to increase their influence after dominating south korea's music scene. this is the video my friend saw me watching in my hotel room during one of the saturdays before the bar exams. i was watching downloaded music videos to relax me a bit. he thought they were japanese because the song is in japanese.

movie day

watched Rise of Planet of the Apes at SM north then i watched the Korean movie Hello Ghost when i got home. i liked both. so far im managing to watch most of the movies in my 2011 movie list.

Rise of Planet of the Apes is a nice prequel. not sure if this is going to be another film series but with the way the film was done, its seems very likely. i like this kind of science fiction films. with the positive response people are giving it, i dont think it will suffer the same fate of other films which were supposed to be the first installment of a series but no sequels were made due to poor box office performance.

as for Hello Ghost, i thought it was some rip-off of Ghost Town which starred Ricky Gervais (i remember seeing a portion of Ghost Town on HBO and then decided to rent it because i found it interesting. that was when there was still a nearby Video City at Matalino. whenever i see something i like on HBO, i rent it so i can watch it on my preferred time. now, im forced to add HBO's movie schedule on my schedule so i can watch what i want to watch). after watching it, i would say, not really. it makes use of the same concept of a guy who died for a few minutes and when he wakes up, he can see and interact with ghosts. the ghosts then ask the guy to do something for them. there's also a love story element in both films. but the ending is what really makes the two films different. the movie right from the beginning up to few minutes before its ending was very average. its really the ending that saved it. if i were to choose, i like Hello Ghost better because the ending has the effect of making the movie in its entirety better. its like Il Mare (the original version and much better version of The Lake House which starred Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock).

with movie day done, its time to sleep and start writing the position paper tomorrow.

just pulled an all nighter. sort of

my cousin called me around 11:30pm last night asking me if i could go with her to visit a friend who was brought to the hospital. she was bringing me along because the incident might need the help of a lawyer. got home around 5am.

when i got home, i slept. then i woke up around 8am to text a client that i wont be in the office until around 10am. then i slept again. i need my sleep. i wont be able to function without sleep. managed to go to the office around 10:30am. worked until 4pm but i slept for 30 minutes during lunch.

i havent had such a late night to early dawn activity for so long. ive forgotten how and what the city looks like after 2am. whenever i go for a drink, i dont stay out later than 2am. although recently, ive gone out around 4am to go somewhere, its not the same as staying up all night.

i was supposed to watch a movie tonight but since i wasnt able to get enough sleep and i feel really tired, i will have to reschedule it this weekend.

if i had a death note when i was in grade school, she would certainly be in it

i remember back when i was in third grade, my teacher absolutely hated me. and she didnt hide it. what made things worse was that she was my class adviser. so it was my first time that no one defended me before my other teachers.

from prep to 2nd grade, i remember my mother telling me that my class adviser was happy that i always get high grades. unfortunately, i was too talkative and hyperactive and these traits annoyed all my other teachers (for some reason, my math teachers lost their patience too quickly. my first grade math teacher threw the chalkboard eraser at me). so my mother would tell me that my class adviser is requesting that i try to behave during class so she wouldnt have to defend me before the other teachers who might grade me unfairly just because i was too noisy during class. that changed when i reached third grade, when i became my class adviser's enemy number one.

my third grade class adviser hated me so much that when i snatched the top spot in class during the first quarter, she announced to the class that they study harder so i wouldnt be number one. well, no one managed to get my top spot. the announcement just motivated me to annoy her

whenever i recite then and got the correct answer, she always try to insert some insults. most of the time, regarding my physical appearance (that im dark-skinned, ugly, skinny, primitive looking, etc). when she realized that its not affecting me at all (i valued my brain, not my physical appearance), she decided not to call me during recitation. that way, she wont have to give me points. well, i outsmarted her one time. she asked a question which i really, really want to answer (what volcano can be found in albay?). knowing she wont call me if i raised my hand, i pretended to be not paying attention. i looked out the window and acted i was watching the students playing at the basketball court. since no one else knows the answer, she decided to call me seeing that i appear to be not paying attention. the moment she asked me, i quickly gave her the correct answer. annoyed, she said i was correct and then added that if i look out the window again, she will hang me on the basketball ring. i easily ignored her comment. what was important to me was that i managed to trick her into calling me.

it seems what my parents and teachers told me is true

veggies are good. although i cant say im healthier (since ive been sick a lot lately. thats why my body is clamoring for exercise). but i can see its good effects and benefits.

just learned about the Meatless Monday/Luntiang Lunes campaign earlier today when i overheard some program on TV.

the campaign reminded me of my meat-free lunch from Monday to Friday. i started doing this around mid-May so im now entering my third month. i think i was able to do this meat-free lunch during weekdays 98% of the time. 1% of the time i ate meat because food was provided for. my meat-free lunch only applies when i buy my own lunch. the other 1% is when im really not in the mood for veggies so i add a little meat to my lunch so it would end up half veggies, half meat. even if its been months, i still dont like eating veggies most of the time. it just so happens that i told myself i should start increasing my consumption of vegetables (because i was really starting to feel the pain of being unhealthy). and im starting to like meat less. there are days when i really dont like to eat meat and i prefer eating veggies. but that doesnt happen usually. there are weeks when i eat only veggies for two consecutive days. 

im amazed that i was able to last this long, eating only veggies for lunch during office days.  but even with the increased veggie consumption, im still a meat-loving creature.

the girl with an eye smile like no other

dear august 2011

so august we meet again.

well, were about to meet again in an hour (hopefully, im already sleeping by then). my normal luck will shut itself down for a month and i will have to deal with life, with its nasty tricks, without any help from the universe. to make things worse, mercury will go retrograde.

much as i dont want to meet you every year, i know i have to. not because youre an inevitability but because i have assigned your purpose. i grew up being treated by some people as that boy no one likes. its not that i was an outcast. far from it. i had really good friends. friends that really stayed with me through thick and thin. i had a very good and happy childhood (life was beatiful then). but being the hyperactive sociable kid (with the tendency to be greedy), i wanted to be liked by all. and everyone knows no one can win them all. being able to get good grades year after year doesnt mean all my teachers will like me. being sociable and friendly doesnt mean i can be friends with everyone or with anyone. and being related to my relatives doesnt mean im going to be accepted and treated like one. i had a hard time gaining some of my teachers' acknowledgement that im a good student (i was too noisy, too hyperactive, too annoying for some. some of my class advisers got tired of defending me from other teachers). i didnt become friends with a lot of classmates simply because i really cant be friends with each and everyone of them (but i always exerted an effort to reach out and then obviously, rejected because im not really their type. i was a dark and skinny kid. yeah, ive been discriminated against). and i had a difficult time getting most of my cousins' trust and approval (i was too talkative and i was also the youngest then so i got treated how most people treat the youngest in any group...the kid you pick on or the one that you cant relate to because he's too young. so i felt i always got left out and i dont belong).

its because of these experiences that motivated me to push myself forward and to become dependent on myself. i learned then that i dont need teachers to prove my intellectual worth. i dont need friends to feel secure about myself. and i dont need relatives to feel that im part of something or i have to be part of something. i dont really need anyone to be happy. this statement eventually became "i dont need happiness". thus, i became that emotionless silent type who doesnt care about anything except himself. but over the years, i loosened up a bit, softened up a bit, because of some good (and patient) friends and relatives who changed thanks to the maturity brought by age. in a way the "positive" change in me was a good thing but at the same time the change gets in the way of self-improvement. the change made me "weak".

thats where you, my dear august, comes in. being the only month (usually), thats harsh on me, ive decided to harness your cruelty to motivate myself and push myself forward (because thats how ive been programmed. i need negative stuff to do something positive. receiving positive stuff only makes me complacent). ive been on a slump for years and ive been trying to pull myself together but cant. so instead of doing my usual "preparing for the worst" attitude every august, im going to take it a bit further and try to capitalize on whatever shit you throw at me. of course, im not going to ask you to bring your worst. honestly, i really would like to take a break because im tired. even if ive had the other 11 months treating me "nicely" compared to you, its been a really tiring year. actually, since 2008, things started becoming tiring (i still have that 2008 birthday card that wished that i could get the much needed rest). and i expect it to be more tiring over the coming years. so i would have to toughen myself up the way i used to do and that is now your purpose august. so far youve never failed to ruin stuff for me lately (lately means past few years) so im going to expect you to be the usual irritating month that brings me a series of unfortunate events.

Echo used to have a different meaning to me when i was in college

my sister asked me how come i dont use the PS3 to play games. she noted that 75% of the time i use it to watch videos of Girls' Generation.

like i said in one of my PS3 blog entries, what convinced me to buy the PS3 was that it can play .avi files. of course i was already persuaded to buy the video game console because of the wide selection and type of games that can played on the PS3 but what made me really want it is its capability to play movies and videos. sure i can watch the same videos on our LCD TV because it has a USB slot but i will have to keep on transferring and deleting the videos on my flash drive. with a PS3 with a 320gig hard disk, i can store it in the game console and play it anytime i want. i dont have to open my laptop, get a flash drive, copy the video and then plug it on the TV. in effect, i turned my PS3 into a media player with a video library.

it will take years before i manage to watch all the Girls' Generation videos available for download. aside from having hundreds of videos (ranging from TV programs, dramas, variety shows, reality shows, commercials, interviews, etc.), it takes time to download each video and i have a job so i can only watch it when i have free time. given my schedule, it will really take me years. and since they are still at their peak, more videos are added to their list of shows. of course, there will come a time i will get tired of it (im not like the hardcore fans who will readily answer "never" when asked if they will stop liking the girl group). i got tired of 50 First Dates (to a certain extent). i got tired of Sadako (didnt use my desktop wallpaper of her since 2004). i got tired of Pokemon (i was addicted to the Pokemon game on Nintendo Gameboy when i was in fourth year high school. no one noticed because no one expected a silent type to be playing it at home). i got tired of Mafia Wars and Cityville (hence i dont open my facebook account unless i cant think of anything else to do). i got tired of the other stuff i was addicted to that i dont even remember what they were. when that time comes, maybe i will start treating my PS3 like a video game console. but for now, these 9 angels will continue to echo in my brain and enjoy their videos stored in my PS3.

tragic third week of july

three dead relatives in 4 days. my father's brother died last wednesday (stroke), my father's cousin died last thursday (heart attack), and my second cousin on my father's side died last saturday (car accident).

i was supposed to go to catanduanes tonight to attend my uncle's wake but i really cant leave my work. even if im done with the important pleading (submitted it today), new stuff keeps cropping up and i still havent handled my work related "to do" backlog.

i managed to go to my other uncle's wake last saturday night. little did we know then that in a few hours, my second cousin will figure in a tragic car accident. i can still remember his father greeting me cheerfully when i went to our relative's wake and saying goodbye to me as i was about to leave. he even apologized to me for not being able to go to my thanksgiving party. he was absolutely clueless of the tragic news he was going to receive in a few hours that saturday night. i dont know the details yet but i can imagine him coming home from his cousin's wake to find out one of his sons is dead. its really tragic. i can discuss this stuff like this because im not really close to my relatives but i do consider them as family.

my paternal clan unexpectedly became busy attending wakes of relatives. it also makes my parents extremely worried with death lurking in our family in this manner. my father keeps calling from catanduanes to check if were safe. i dont think they have to worry about me. if my sense of foresight is as good as i think it is, there's nothing to worry about me for now. sure i can die anytime because of a heart attack or a stroke but i think dying for being at the wrong place at the wrong time (like being in a 7-11 store when robbers suddenly decide to rob the store and recklessly shoot customers) is more probable at this point of my life than health reasons. the most harm my health can give me right now is pain and discomfort (which is what it has been doing for quite some time now). i think a freak accident is a more probable cause of death too. what im trying to say is, given my current way of life, its very unlikely for me to die of common causes of death (vehicular accidents, fatal health stuff, etc.).

if life would like to try to be funny, it would contradict me and im going to die in my sleep and this would be my last blog post. the good thing about it is, i dont have to go to work. the bad thing about it is...if i just knew, i would have used up my money on stuff and didnt save any. but i dont think im going to worry about that when im dead. but if i do die now or in the near future, at least im back on the path i once took where i dont have regrets. or at least i think im back to having some sense of contentment.

my laptop was nice enough to scare me

i have a pleading that's due tomorrow. this pleading is so important to me that i invested a lot of time handling it compared to my Supreme Court petitions. i went out of my way to do extra research and even spent my own money for miscellaneous expenses. i had a draft of the pleading printed last friday and did some proofreading at KFC matalino for some final corrections (im too lazy to go to Burger King Timog given the rainy weather. i was informed that Mcdonalds Matalino will be under renovation for four months. crap. im left with KFC Matalino which isnt even half as good as Mcdonalds in every aspect. KFC matalino is open 24 hours and has wifi but i cant plug my laptop to an electrical socket simply because they dont have any for customers (according to their cashier). and the level of service is simply inefficient. and i dont think their coffee is good. so i bought coffee at 7-11 and then brought it with me to KFC. the only good thing about KFC is the chicken. i think everything else sucks. i think thats why i like Mcdonalds and Burger King, they dont only focus on the quality of their food but the other needs of their customers. and i digress).

after doing some proof reading i headed home. when i got home, i thought of making the corrections later since im not in the mood to continue working. i decided to do other stuff like updating the ringtones of my siblings' phones (i either get them a bunch of new ringtones or i make their requested customized ringtones from songs they like). i do the file transfers between phones and computers since i dont want our computers and cellphones to be infected by viruses and other malicious software. my laptop is the only computer which has an updated anti-virus. the other two computers have outdated ones (which i need to add to my "things to do" list since my siblings arent good with installing "good" software).

anyway, i think my laptop sensed im procrastinating so it decided to have its screen turn black to give me a scare. when it did that, i thought "what the? seriously? why does shit like this happen right before something really important? machines have the knack for breaking down on deadlines". it seems life and computers have conspired against crammers and procrastinators. good thing i have a good sense of foresight. i have an online back-up of my pleading due tomorrow and a copy in my flash drive in case for some reason, i have no internet access. but even with the back-up copies, it will make things inconvenient without my laptop. i still have lots of minor corrections to do.

instead of panicking, i tried to analyze what could have caused the problem. i checked if its lights were still on. the power button light was still on so it meant it didnt switch itself off (like when it overheats). the wifi indicator was also still on and its other indicator was blinking so it meant the laptop was still running. the fact its not the blue screen of death meant its not some error in the operating system. so i thought the only thing left was the screen itself. there's something wrong with the LCD screen. since i still remember what was on the desktop before the screen went black, i somehow managed to navigate through the screen and switch itself off. since its an LCD screen problem, i can plug it to the LCD TV and just continue my work there (now i dont regret buying a VGA cable for the LCD TV). but when i plugged my laptop to the LCD TV, it worked fine again.

because of the little scare/trick my laptop did, i was forced to finish my work early. now i just hope it wont do the same thing tomorrow when im about to print my finished pleading. i also hope the office printer wont malfunction because it will be quite expensive to print fifty plus pages. ive already spent a lot for this pleading.

reminds me of grade school dance presentations

somehow the choreography for this song felt a bit different from the choreography of their other songs. this one takes me back to the 90s (late 80s/early 90s, especially the dance move at 1:55). i think their dance moves for this song are heavily influenced by that decade.  im thinking this one was made by a different choreographer since it makes use of dance moves that aren't as original or trendy as the choreography for their other songs. 

if only i could be this motivated in planning the pleading im currently writing

watched the final Harry Potter movie last sunday. we (me and my siblings) were supposed to watch it next week because my brother said he has stuff to do last sunday. but my brother wanted to watch it so badly that he worked on what he was supposed to do last saturday night. come sunday morning, he said he was already free to watch the movie.

ever since the first harry potter movie, i knew there will be long lines. i even experienced watching a harry potter movie under SRO conditions (i used to have the habit of watching movies again if i really liked it. the last time i watched a movie a 2nd time while it was still showing in cinemas was TF2). given that the harry potter movie is not just any movie due to the long lines it creates, when my brother told me he is free to watch the movie that sunday morning, i knew we need to have a plan. i always make plans for this kind of movies. getting a good seat is very important. were not supposed to be seated at the side of the cinema (if im in charge of buying the movie tickets, getting seats located at the side of the cinema is unacceptable). i always get the middle seats of the middle portion of the cinema. and the distance from the screen must be just right (not too near, not too far). i always aim for the best seat in the cinema whenever i watch a movie (and i always try to bring a jacket in case the cinema is too cold. i dont want to be distracted by the room temperature). getting good seats isnt a problem for most movies but for insanely successful movies, the only time one can easily get good seats is when the movie has been released for weeks. that's why i was willing to watch the last harry potter movie next week so it would be easy to get good seats. but since my siblings wanted to watch it already, we need to be at the mall premises before 10am not only to avoid the long lines but also to be able to pick the good seats.

aside from getting there early, i had to check which cinema has the most available seats before we line up. i checked the available seats online and found out which cinema we should aim for (and which cinema we should pick next in case the good seats are already taken). i could have made an online reservation but since i havent tried it yet, there is the possibility of unforeseen error due to my lack of experience in making online purchase of tickets and seat reservations. i didnt want to take that chance and be disturbed by an unfortunate event while i watch the movie. with a particular cinema in mind, we went to the mall and got there 5 minutes before the mall opened. it was good to know that my watch is still attuned to the time the mall opens (my watch is exactly 20 minutes ahead of the mall time). as we were walking towards the mall entrance, i instructed my brother to line up at the movie ticket booth at the main building while im going to line up at the building where the digital 3D cinema is located (in case the ticket booths dont open at the same time). i told him that it is impossible for both of us to be the first person in line because there's always someone who will get there faster. i told him this because he joked that we were preparing too much so we might as well anticipate if both of us are first in line. since i know that the probability of that happening is very low, i didnt bother using some brain cells to anticipate such a situation.

anyway, the mall opened, people rushed in and more than half of this people started heading to the movie ticket booths. i ended up as the 10th person in line. my brother said he was also tenth in line. but given that my line is being served by two counters simultaneously, im going to reach the counter much faster so i told him to leave his line. when it was my turn at the counter, all i had to do is say the particular cinema, check if the seats are available and then purchase the tickets. my transaction was supposed to take only 30 seconds but the girl at the counter had problems processing my payment. such an inefficient creature.

with the movie tickets acquired, now comes lunch. since the movie will start around lunch time, we had to eat our lunch at least one hour before noon. that too should be planned well. we need to find a place which can serve our lunch quickly (or with the least probability of delay) and we must be able to finish our lunch in 30 minutes in order for us to have sufficient time to buy chips, popcorn and drinks. when we watched KP2, we failed to choose the right place to eat dinner so we werent able to claim our free popcorn for the movie because  by the time we reached the cinema (which was 5 minutes before the movie starts because of the delay caused by the restaurant), the line for the snack booth was so long it was impossible to claim it in 5 minutes (we were able to claim it after the movie. during the movie, i was thinking if i can miss 10-15 minutes of the movie so i can step out of the cinema to claim the free popcorn. so i was already distracted while watching the movie). given this experience, it should never happen again so i now take into account the lines at the snack booth and the time it takes for the meal to be served.

since i wasnt expecting to watch the last harry potter movie that sunday morning, my mind was racing trying to think and anticipate everything so that i can make sure that we wont have problems before we enter the cinema. i want to watch a movie without worries or be disturbed by prior unfortunate events. i dont want to feel rushed either before i enter the cinema.

thats how i am...or how i can be whenever i take my movie time seriously.

the things i did today

tried to revisit my law student/bar review days. i went to UP earlier today to have some TSNs photocopied. since the cheapest photocopying service i know is located inside the UP law library, i decided to have it photocopied there. unfortunately, and as usual, they have tons of stuff to photocopy so they wont be able to photocopy my TSNs immediately and i will have to return for it later that afternoon. so i did my work in one of the libraries i frequently went to during my bar review days - the econ library. the desks and the air conditioning in this library is much better than the law library. the only good thing about the law library is that its generally more quiet compared to other libraries. i remember my cousin noting that when she went to the law library (when she was still in college. and that was when i was still in high school), the students there gave her dagger looks and asked her to be quiet. and she told me she cant believe how serious students were inside the law library. i just gave her an expression that tells her that "shouldnt you be quiet inside a library?"

this is one of the things i constantly thought about during my bar review days: why can't people shut up inside libraries and chapels? arent these places supposed to be quiet? people talk a lot inside libraries and chapels. why are they in the library/chapel in the first place? shouldnt the primary activity inside a library is to read, and inside a chapel to pray? i think my college professor is right. Filipinos dont know how to whisper. they (since i know how to whisper, im going to use "they" instead of "we" Filipinos) whisper like Homer Simpson. i tweeted last year about how inconsiderate these people are for their natural inability to whisper. i remember thinking that librarians should have some kind of disciplinary powers to kick out anyone who "disturbs the peace". now that i think about it, i told myself during last weekend's mall wide sale that humans are so annoyingly noisy. how can they live in such a state of constant noise? why did humans decide to become noisy creatures? well, im not against loud stuff. im just against senseless noise (so there's meaningful noise) or simple noise that can be avoided. and rock music, even heavy metal, is not senseless noise. senseless noise is any audible thing that has no value or worth. so small talk devoid of any use except just to make use of one's vocal chords for the purpose of not conveying anything meaningful is senseless noise. the sound created by a construction area is an unavoidable noise. the squeaking sound created by a person with restless leg syndrome is a simple noise that can be avoided. i have restless leg syndrome and whenever my foot creates a squeaking sound, i adjust my legs so i wont have the urge to move it because i find the noise really annoying.

i digressed. i was supposed to write about revisiting my law student/bar review days. anyway, i worked inside the econ library (read some cases and edited a pleading), picked up my photocopied TSNs late in the afternoon then went to the mall. i went there to go to BK and try continue working there. but the place was packed. so i thought there should be more establishments for people like me who needs to plug their laptops (a tablet is starting to become more necessary by the minute. but given my recent expenses and foreseeable possible expenses, i might not be able to buy one until next year. sigh). normally, i would watch a movie so my trip to the mall wont be a waste but since im no longer a student, i cant use my time for other stuff just like that. watching movies needs to be scheduled (because i take my movie time seriously). i decided to have a quick bite at taco bell instead then headed home. my problem when im at home is that its almost impossible for me to work unless im in the mood or im cramming something. im really more productive if i take my work in my usual "work" areas (fastfood restos and libraries).

maybe this is where i got my "one day at a time" philosophy

this song unexpectedly entered my head when i was disturbed by my cousin to tell me that my name is in the broadsheets. since i was already half-asleep while listening to 80s music, i grumpily said that its nothing new since its already the 2nd time my name has been mentioned in the printed news (yeah, i just ruined his cheerful mood. what can i do, i get really grumpy when someone wakes me up for something i dont find worth waking up to).

anyway, when i was about to resume sleep, this song started playing in my head. i decided to google it then find it on youtube since i have no idea what the song is. found out it was some praise song. i knew this song because when i was in grade school, we used this song for some school presentation. i cant remember the details of that school activity but i do remember some of the lyrics (thats why it was easy to google). i think i sang and presented the part "Even though you might grow weary / Don't be discouraged / In our weakness God is strong" because i still clearly remember the lyrics and the following stanza.

remembering this song made me realize how much i like doing school presentations. i enjoyed doing the song and dance activities. even in high school i try not to look i enjoy it during practice but when the actual presentation comes, i bring my A game. i still like doing this kind of stuff because i still did it during law school for the malcolm madness presentations and class projects. i like performing on stage. i guess i didnt consider developing this interest because people keep telling me i have a brain. people usually praised me for my intellect rather than the other stuff i do (like drawing). now that im thinking about this topic of other interests, i remembered wanting to become a comedian. i wanted to perform and make people laugh. specifically, through visual gags and not through stand-up comedy. that was when i was still a hyperactive kid. 



with this song found, i have another song from my childhood that i need to find. this song will be much difficult to look for since the only word i remember from the song is "stalingrad". im not even sure if its "stalingrad". maybe its "leningrad". i will have to wait for the song to enter my head unexpectedly to gain useful clues on how to find it.

havent seen it. i just like listening to it

who in their right mind would use the x-files theme as a cellphone alarm that goes off at 11:45 pm? well, i do. i have several cellphone reminders scheduled to set off 15 minutes before midnight to remind me of stuff before i sleep. and i chose the x-files theme as my alarm for such reminders. i think its been more than a year since ive had this alarm and it always makes me wonder where the creepy sound is coming from (although lately, im getting used to it). sometimes im cramming something late at night while everyone is asleep then the x-files theme suddenly plays. usually, im busy doing something or im half-asleep when the alarm goes off. not that the alarm tone scares me (i have a history of staring at a sadako desktop wallpaper in the dark at 1am. i was addicted to sadako then) but i always forget that its my cellphone alarm. so my usual initial reaction is wonder where the sound is coming from. it takes a few seconds for me to realize its my cellphone.

i chose it as my alarm tone because i dont want to have a loud/noisy ringtone that would go off a few minutes before midnight. well, i could have chosen another mellow ringtone like the song from "il postino" but i just had to choose a scary ringtone. one of these days, i would really like this alarm tone to go off while im outdoors in a somewhat silent and dark area and see if people would react the same way as i do: trying to find out where the hell the creepy sound is coming from. 

now that i think about it, i havent seen one full episode of the X-files. not a single one (just like Ally Mcbeal). i just accidentally watch parts of it then change the channel.

i try not to burden myself

a day after i wrote an MJ post, MJ starts haunting me. sort of. most of the places i passed by today were playing MJ songs.

anyway, i realized one of the perks of being a lawyer is that people treat you nicely when they find out you're a lawyer. i try not to look like one. i always wear a collared shirt, jeans and sneakers (plus five o'clock shadow). thats why a while ago, someone from the government office i went to told me that she will introduce me to their office lawyer but i had to act like one when i start to introduce myself. i guess i do appear to be someone who is not a lawyer (a law school batchmate who saw me when i dropped by a QC court told me that i still look like a student with my get-up). i guess i dont project the confidence lawyers have. its burdensome on my part to do that. im really reluctant to play such a role when i can do my lawyering without it. although i admit it makes a lawyer more effective, but as long as i can get by with using the least amount of effort, i will stick to what im comfortable with.

i dont introduce myself as a lawyer right away. i only tell people when they ask what i do. even when im filling out forms, if i can leave the occupation part blank, i will leave it blank. im really hesitant to inform people im a lawyer. whenever people find out my job, some of them starts to treat me differently. some start to have some sort of expectation. again, its burdensome. i would prefer to be treated by people the way they treat most people. that way i really get to know the person. i dont want to receive a special treatment from a person who only treats me in such a manner because of my profession. but like i mentioned earlier, it is one of the perks. so i only try to make use of it when necessary or when it cant be avoided. there's something about the word "lawyer" that its some kind of magic word for most people. once they hear it, they start to act differently in my favor...most of the time. sometimes when people find out that im a lawyer, they give me a puzzled look and wonder why the hell would i want to be one of the vilest creatures on earth (and i found it refreshing to receive such a reaction).

i just dont feel it anymore.

its been a couple years since Michael Jackson died and i think i havent posted any blog entry about him. when i learned about his death, i was working for an NGO and i just heard it from an officemate. i didnt bother to know the details nor was i really surprised that he died. i didnt really care about the guy anymore so i wasnt that interested. i just thought, he's dead. so what? but i told myself then that i had to write an entry about him. he was my idol when i was a kid so he means something. or used to mean something.

what made me like MJ was his dance moves. i used to like to dance. i still think im good at it and can dance better than an average person (although im not sure if i look good doing it given my height. sometimes, my height makes me look awkward when i do stuff done by people with average height). anyway, i liked his songs too. in fact, the second cassette tape i owned was his Dangerous album (which i played in my walkman). i also contemplated buying the HIStory: Past, Present and Future, book I album but i found it too expensive. i was just a grade school student with a P20 allowance.

my mother didnt like him and discouraged me from idolizing MJ. ever since he started becoming white, he was just too weird and creepy. but i didnt care then. i liked him for his dance moves which i tried to copy. i copied it a lot that i became a choreographer for my grade school batch in one of our batch presentations. that was an ego boost. our class adviser was asking who could do the choreography for the MJ song and i was recommended by my classmates.

by the time i reached high school, i stopped liking pop music. well, not really. i still liked pop music as long as it was sung by a hot female or a group of hotties (i remember when i was in fourth year high school, i was thinking hard whether to buy the red hot chili peppers album or the album of a pretty spanish pop singer. i chose the latter). since then, i just stopped liking MJ. i noticed he released a few more singles over the years and maybe a couple of albums but i just didnt care anymore. i guess when a part of me died in high school, the part of me that was hyperactive, talkative, cheerful and liked to dance, i just stopped caring about stuff that i really loved when i was a kid. actually, i have a theory why i "died", why i dropped everything i liked before, why i stopped being happy. there's no way to test the theory at the moment. point is, im dead or the part of me that is alive is locked inside (and i have a theory how to revive that part of me. i just dont want to test it). here i am trying to write an entry about this guy that i think influenced me a lot when i was a kid but i really dont care about him anymore. its from a happy childhood which is a thing of the past.

so there you go. after a couple of years, i finally wrote an MJ entry. im not really obligated to write it but its something that i need to flush out of my mind. whenever i hear an MJ song, i remind myself to write an entry. its like a burdensome assignment that i want to get rid of. if yukie nakama died, i would probably write an entry much sooner and much better than this one. i dont know. i still acknowledge that MJ is a great performer and truly a pop icon and i really did idolize him. its just that over the years, ive changed a lot and much as i want to write something good about the king of pop, i just cant simply because im not the same person as i was before. it just so happens there's a voice in my head nagging me to write something about the dead guy. i guess the better thing to do is post a video that somehow pays tribute to him.

i think i need to get a second job

i said something to myself earlier this morning that made me ask myself again whether i heard myself right. i do surprise myself from time to time. i asked myself why i think i need a tablet computer because im really trying to manage my expenses (this is my deliberative process where i try to convince myself whether an expensive item is worth buying. i ask myself from time to time questions and see if my answer will be consistent and persuasive, given that im the type who loses interest on things after some time. losing interest is equal to treating it as if it doesn't exist). lately, ive spent more than what was scheduled due to some unexpected expenses. so i answered myself saying that i need a tablet computer so i can work wherever i go, even when im on vacation.

huh? seriously? i want to work while taking a vacation? actually there's no surprise there but my initial thought for wanting a tablet computer is for easy access to files while im on the move, for efficiency. using a laptop just to check a portion written in a MS word file or just to check an email isnt efficient. and its not that accessible especially when i receive a call to check something in my computer while im lining up in a fastfood restaurant. so i thought a tablet computer would be nice. i could use it as an e-reader too (thats why i dropped kindle off my list) and i can check my codal provisions with ease. or make some minor editing on my pleadings when an idea suddenly comes to mind. i didnt consider wanting it so i can work while on vacation (although, admittedly, it will have that purpose but still, its not one of the favorable arguments i considered before). and i doubt i will be taking a vacation this year or probably next year (maybe by the end of next year would be the earliest).

so i asked myself another question, am i really a workaholic? maybe in a way i am. sure im not the type who gives his best in doing his work but somehow, my work is my life. its something that occupies me and its something worth doing. i dont like abandoning unfinished work and i try to be as responsible as i can be but i dont really love my work as much as it appears. not because i dont like it but i just dont love anything (unless one would want to construe my being an infatuation junkie as an exhibition of love, which i doubt can be considered as equal to one another). or maybe working is something that somehow minimizes the boredom thats why i appear to be always working.

anyway, the weekend has arrived. i will get some well needed rest. i bought the groceries today right after work so i wont have much to do this weekend. the only thing i have left for tomorrow is pay some bills. then if im in the mood, might do some work. i sound like a workaholic but i think im not. this work could have been finished weeks ago but since there's no deadline yet, ive been doing it on a piecemeal basis. so im not procrastinating and im not really working hard either. i just try to do my work with the least amount of stress.

swimming in a sea of contentment? not really

i feel different today. im not sure if its because of my illness but i just feel different. its like walking on a peaceful street when the sun is about to set, seeing on one side of the street a serene old woman greeting affectionately a passing neighbor while a group of teens cheerfully walks and chats with each other on the other side of the street. no signs of any worries from them. the air is calm with the leaves of trees barely moving but one can still feel a faint wind hitting one's face. and the street is just really quiet as the sun continues its gradual descent. the atmosphere is just plain peaceful. a peaceful sunday afternoon. not much clouds. not much wind. not even a gentle breeze. its not a happy atmosphere. not sad either. its simply peaceful. and its what i am experiencing right now. the feeling of peace and contentment is not foreign to me but somehow, this one does. its a different kind of peace. its not the kind of sense of contentment im familiar with. the feeling of peace and contentment im familiar with is the one based from reason and rational thoughts. its a product of what's within me. i strengthen my sense of contentment with reason. but this peaceful feeling im having now is different in a sense that it does not come from my inner being. it seems to be coming from the outside and enclosing me with its calming influence. the reason im sure the feeling isnt coming from within me is because my inner self is disturbed by a lot of things, mostly work related and difficult decisions regarding my future. then there's stuff from the past that keeps haunting me. i should be in panic mode right now because i should have worked all day but i woke up around 5:30 pm. i managed to convince myself to rest instead so as not to aggravate my illness. but my mind is telling me that come tomorrow, i just increased my workload so i just procrastinated. yet despite the inner conflicts, the peaceful feeling with its incredible influence, makes me feel relaxed to the point my mind is shouting this is crazy.

or maybe its just my overpowering sense of laziness coupled with my "im sick so i dont care" attitude. in any case, i didnt get any job done today when i should have. im too weak to summon and use crammer mode but by tomorrow, i wouldnt have any choice. deadlines are fatal to a lawyer. i guess i will have to work while i sleep, meaning start writing the draft in my dream. havent done that before but there's no harm in trying such an idea.

sweet potato maknae

nowhere man's somewhere plans

doing some math. trying to figure out how to efficiently save money so i can get me self a samsung galaxy tab as soon as possible. im dropping kindle off my list and im postponing the digicam until next year (im no longer interested in getting a PSP since playstation already released PS Vita and i will have to wait for a few months to see if its worth buying based from online reviews and feedback). right now, im going to aim for a nice tablet.

im also taking into consideration in my computation possible medical expenses. since ive been having some kind of discomfort that could be symptoms of something really serious and might need some surgery (i always try to consider all the possibilities with high probabilities). with the worst case scenario accounted for, i think i would have the "extra" money to "safely" buy a galaxy tab by...september of this year. i will have to postpone buying it until i have enough money for a worse case scenario. in case the worse case scenario happens, no galaxy tab for me of course (the surgery needed, in case the discomfort im feeling is really serious symptoms of something, is that expensive that my current "emergency savings" will have to be augmented with savings for the next months since my "emergency savings" doesnt cover serious surgeries that would require months of recovery). but if the worst case scenario doesnt happen, i can buy the tablet without worries and hopefully in a lower price thus having some money to buy its accessories.

also, i will have time to think about whether i really need the galaxy tab. right now i think i do. and i think its also a "nice treat" in lieu of a nice vacation. i havent been on a "real" vacation for years. since 2009, ive been focused on the bar review and started working too. when i graduated from law school, i wrapped things up when my contract from my previous employer expired and then continued reviewing for the bar. when the bar exams ended, after a week, im employed again. not that i didnt have any opportunity to take a nice out of town trip...wait...actually, i didnt have any opportunity. well, i guess gadgets will have to do. besides, the vacations i have in mind will need some serious budget. thats why i dont have any vacations planned until the next few years. i could opt for a lower budget vacation but that would need some good company in order for it to be worth taking. but good company is hard to find these days and...well, thats it. now that i think about it, i really ended up as the person i predicted i will be when i was still in high school. that at this point in time, im going to be alone. not that i wanted to be alone or i have problems with people but thats just how things are. it just happened but somehow i knew that this will happen. i knew that im going to be that guy who has friends but stayed to be simply...that guy. that guy that can be relied on for some things, that guy that has the knack for some things, that guy who stares at a women's cleavage at malls because he thinks boobs have some magnetic effect on guys' eyes that is impossible to resist. just that guy who manages to get by.

anyway, the internal clamor for me to start exercising is starting to grow stronger. my body is trying to convince me that exercise would be a last ditch effort to avoid aggravating my physical health. i guess my body has its own sense of foresight thats why it managed to make me switch to a healthier diet. with Mcdonald's Matalino closed for good (i think its closed for good), i wont be having that weekly quarter pounders anymore. and im starting to not like meat. not that i dont like meat, i just dont crave it as much as before. and my desire to eat for veggies also increased. i guess im about to become a health nut if this voice in my head finally convinces me to exercise even with no athletic hottie's external influence.

just let it rain

easy for me to say now that im indoors. but the rain did catch me earlier today when i went to a court hearing in Mandaluyong. here's the thing when my regular luck is with me: it rains hard when im indoors. whenever im outdoors, either the rain stops for a while or its just light rain. or whenever its about to rain hard, im just a stone's throw away from my destination. that's why i have nothing against the rain. if i do get stranded because of the rain, usually, im not in a rush so i dont mind. rarely does the rain spoil my day. usually its the August rain that i dont like.

at least the coffee tastes really great. almost worth it.

today, i bought a starbucks coffee with much unwillingness. normally, i would buy a regular brewed coffee from Mcdonalds Matalino but for some undisclosed reason (undisclosed to me), the said Mcdonalds branch is closed indefinitely. my next alternative would be Burger King's BK Joe. But given the rainy weather, i dont feel like travelling some considerable distance because the cold weather is aggravating my lower back pain. its been days now since this lower back pain started. anyway, i need some coffee because despite the long weekend, i have lots of work to do. since im going to be working at home, coffee is a must because whenever i work inside my room, the usual scenario is i end up sleeping instead. this is why i always work at Burger King or some other noisy fast food restaurant where i can plug my laptop with its useless battery (almost useless. it has enough juice to enable me to shut off the laptop properly whenever there is a blackout). i can still work despite the noise because i think there's something wrong with my ears. when im in an open space, i noticed that the sound volume is the same regardless of distance. so a person talking from far away has the same volume as a person talking near me. that's why i easily get disoriented when a lot of people are talking at the same time in a big room because the sound coming from all the talking people appear to be of the same volume. sometimes i cant even determine which one is talking because the voice of the farther person has the same sound level as the person talking near me. i guess this is also the reason i easily get distracted in public places because i always pick up the sound coming from my surrounding area.

going back, i dont have anything against starbucks. i just dont really want to buy expensive coffee. and starbucks always reminds me of my freshman college mentality (my marxist phase). due to this, i always try not to go to starbucks as much as i can. it makes me feel really uncomfortable (so uncomfortable that i want to get out of the place quickly after i get my order. but i pretend im not in a hurry to leave). but then again, after i got my coffee, i felt like a hypocrite. saying to myself that i used to despise a place that primarily caters to well-off people (or people who can afford to buy a cup of coffee that can feed a family of three, maybe even more) when i have with me an Ateneo umbrella and listening to my mp3 player with a pair of Sennheiser earphones (an expensive school and an expensive brand). and i was seriously considering buying one of their expensive thermal mugs (again, an expensive product). it made me think that maybe deep inside i like starbucks because it wouldnt be the first time that im very critical of something i really like.

anyway, the rainy weather is nice and there's a long weekend too but i cant enjoy it as much because of the work i must do.

it tastes bad so it must be good for one's health

for a person who doesnt mind dying or wont prevent death from visiting me, i sure have a weird way of showing it. i think its been a month since i started my veggie lunch diet. i only eat veggies and rice for lunch. and before this veggie lunch thingie, i already started adding healthy food to my diet (i regularly consume sweet potatoes, sweetened soy bean curd, milk, fruits, etc. if im eating in a fast food restaurant and they have a salad, i add the salad to my order just to have some veggies im my meal). i also try to minimize the meat i eat (but i still eat mcdonald's quarter pounder meal every week. i really cant quit it). now, i dont want to grow old because i dont want to live a long life but with what im doing, im actually extending on what could be a short existence on this planet.

this healthy food thing im doing began when i started feeling some physical pain (and the reason for the "only veggies for lunch" thingie was due to my stomach getting upset whenever i consume a certain type of meat. it started with an experiment whether it was the meat and based from my experiment, it was the meat and my stomach really didnt like it). due to the discomfort, i decided to become a bit health conscious. now, the healthy food diet did help. its like discovering the obvious. i guess this is the 2nd obvious thing ive confirmed. the other one was the joke i shared with a friend where one can get good grades through studying. we confirmed it was true when we were about to finish law school. anyway, healthy food is indeed good for you. but it seems thats not enough. right now, my f*ckin lower back hurts. its been hurting all day and i dont know why. my brain is suggesting exercise. really? isnt regularly consuming healthy food enough? im adding years to my life already, i dont want to extend it to a decade. crap. if i give in to the suggestion of my brain, im changing the course of my life and my cause of death. that is, if my brain can successfully convince me to exercise. right now, my idea for solving my back problem is to buy a comfy chair. its expensive but much more convenient than exercise. the only way im going to actually exercise regularly is if a young or middle-aged woman who can be aptly described as an athletic hottie gives me a very good reason to do it. not even a doctor can convince me to exercise even if my life depended on it. unless the doctor is some incredibly attractive female doctor...then....i would still say no but i might be open to some convincing if she has enough valid reasons. point is...i dont want to exercise. the physical discomfort brought by growing old is really annoying.

i guess this is too much to ask...for now.

i wish there's a virtual copy of Philippine malls. take for example the mall in North EDSA. i wish there is an online version of it where i can browse its stores with the use of my computer. i can roam inside it, navigate each and every store and check their products with the use of an internet browser and a computer mouse. not that im too lazy to go to the mall. its just im too busy to use up my time walking around inside the mall only to end up finding out that the product im looking for is not available or they dont have anything i like. calling the store itself is a convenient alternative but im more of a visual person and i prefer to see things rather than hear about it. and i can only use such option if i know what im looking for. it wont apply if i just want to window shop first. so i want a technology where i can window shop in a particular mall online and i want that technology applied in this country or at least in Metro Manila. aside from virtual window shopping, it could help save time because when i actually go to the mall, i already know where to go and i already know what to buy. the only problem that i will have to deal with is the travel time that i will consume by actually going to the mall.

a much simpler alternative is for the stores and stalls inside the mall to put up websites where they will post and update their list of items available. but i still prefer having a virtual mall instead of just a website. 

im the type of buyer that can be very picky or very impulsive. sometimes i know what i want to buy but im too specific about it so even if there's a wide range of choices, i end up not buying anything because none of the products are good enough. sometimes i dont even have a plan to buy anything but when i see something that for some strange reason i must buy it at that very moment (even if not necessary) and i know i can afford it, i just buy it. i just happen to be in the mood to buy it. in both instances, i need to roam around the mall. and roaming consumes time. and time is something i dont have. well, i do have time now. but mall hours prevent me from using my free time to roam inside the mall and browse for items i need or want to buy.

i sound like a shopaholic but im not. i just miss roaming inside the mall. it used to be some sort of stress reliever. im a mallrat since highschool. i like dropping by the mall and do some window shopping. now, i cant do that anymore. well, not as frequent as before. i just dont have the time.

life really doesnt want me to easily get by

just when i thought things cant get any worse for the case im handling...


i inherited a case from a lawyer (not connected with our law office) who for health reasons cannot continue handling the case. since our law office lacks enough lawyers (there's only two of us), the case was assigned to me. now this is a case that requires some expertise in a particular field of law and some form of specialization since its not the same as regular court proceedings. and since i merely inherited it, im bound by the initial actions of the previous handling lawyer, so my theories are already limited as well as my pieces of evidence. actually, i have to adopt the theory and pieces of evidence and figure out how to make use of it.

last week, i had to change my theory and strategy because of some facts that i uncovered. not that they were contrary to what ive been told but it somehow affects the flow of the case theory because the facts were material enough that it cant be ignored. now this weekend, ive been informed that my key witness wont be available as scheduled because she had to undergo an emergency operation. of course i understand its no one's fault and i will pray for the success of her operation and speedy recovery. its just that, why does it have to happen now? time is of the essence. she's my last witness and scheduled to testify on monday. so life, i ask you...seriously? a friend would comment that the reason this is happening is because im the one handling it. life just loves giving me challenges. here is a case that requires specialization and expertise and not normally assigned to someone who just passed the bar exams. and now i have to deal with the unavailability of a key witness? i mean, i could dispense with any of my witnesses except this one. why does it have to be her? and why now? just a few days away from her scheduled trial date. actually, she was supposed to be presented earlier but due to circumstances that arose during the course of the trial, i had to move her schedule and be the last one to be presented. its like life really likes meddling with my plans and maneuvered things to make it not as simple as it should be.

i heard a rumour

just found out that there is a rumor that a female classmate visits me at my office and people think she's my girlfriend. problem is...no one has ever visited me at my office. absolutely no one. every single person that comes to me in my office are clients. no female classmate of mine knows exactly where my office is. actually, no female friend or acquaintance has ever visited me in my office. so i have no idea how that rumor came about. and im pretty sure that i would know if i have a female client that's almost the same age as me to be mistaken as a classmate. i have no such client. all my clients are way older than me. and im rarely seen with anyone inside the office. i just sit in my office room and work (or sleep). so again, i really cant see how rumors like that emerge (like the rumor four years ago while i was still in law school that i have a lawyer girlfriend).

the reason such rumors affect me is because i really would like to know the basis. if there is no basis, i would like to meet this girl they're talking about. 

still no improvement

if i were to look back at this point in time of my life, i would say...im being annoyingly laid back. while everyone else is making progress with their lives, im just trying to do things one day at a time with no worries (or i try not to worry). sure i have plans and ive thought about my future but right now, those plans just give an illusion im heading somewhere. im not really executing it. the plan is just there for me to follow but im not really using it as efficiently and effectively as i should. its like looking at a map without really reading it. i guess its a crammer's curse. i need time to start running out before i start to really move or act. and i need a couple of things going wrong before my brain starts to warm up and be useful. i guess im that type of creature that evolves abruptly due to extreme conditions. until that extreme condition manifest itself, i wont evolve into anything.

im not happy with the way im living right now. im starting to become impatient and annoyed with the way im handling things. its frustrating to know that i can do much more yet i dont do it simply because i dont see the need for it. i dont want to burden myself with stuff. as long as im accomplishing things, there's no reason to aim higher. i dont complicate my life unnecessarily. this sounds good actually because i avoid a stressful life but sometimes a stressful life is worth having to improve one's self. im at this age where i can accomplish a lot of things. im squandering opportunities by being laid back. i wont be able to do as much once i get older or if i start having some serious illness.

im tempted to start smoking again just to shake things a bit. there's just something about the way a stick of cigarette affects my mood and thought process. its like it clogs certain portions of my brain and allows something else to emerge. or its simply the nicotine. crap. if not for the pain it brings to my lungs, i wouldnt have quit. stupid lungs.

logged in for one last time...

probably. i just logged out of friendster a few minutes ago. havent logged in for a long time. if not for the site transformation, i probably wouldnt have logged in and backed-up the content i want to save. i didnt make use of its exporting tool. i have copies of those photos anyway. and im not much of a fan of my photos either. what i wanted to save were the testimonials and messages.

my friendster testimonials were...incomplete. i remember receiving testimonials from my fake accounts but it wasnt listed in my profile (ive got lots of fake accounts. i even had a "joint account"). well, i guess i wont be able to recover them anymore. what really bugged me were the messages. holy shit. ive completely forgotten about some of those messages and seeing just a glimpse of it...crap. i cant even...or i tried not to read some of those messages. it really bothered me. it bothered me because i really wanted to completely forget about it. and i have forgotten about it if not for the act of trying to save friendster messages. well, i still saved it anyway. i really cant delete such messages. well, i deleted it after making a back-up copy. its those kind of messages that are painful to remember and difficult to erase. and its worth saving because? i dont know. something that has a big impact could be worth something. 

anyway, i still remember my first profile pic. it was an ID picture. i still remember my first friend on friendster. he was the one that convinced me to make a friendster account. it was 2003 and his "sales pitch" was, its a good networking site. its a good way of finding old friends. i was initially against the idea of making an account because i dont need a website to communicate with friends. there's real life interaction and there's email (and egroups). i didnt see the purpose of a social networking site. but finding old friends was a good use for it. so i made a friendster acccount. because i wanted to find someone from my past. and i did find them after a few years through friendster. and lost them for good after getting in touch with them. wow, that sucked. its only now that i realized that.

i think in the future, friendster would be one of those things i would find haunting, like those people who lived in the 80's seeing their 80's selves. cant believe i had a friendster account, had those crazy profile pics and exchanged messages with so and so.

angelic deer choding

chucks and jeans

i was having my morning coffee at a nearby mcdonalds when i saw a law school batchmate/OLA teammate walk in. she approached me and asked where im off to. well, not really. i always misinterpret this question. its common to be asked "san ka ngayon?" which i think really means "what are you up to? or what's up with you?" instead of "where are you going today?". i always construe it as the latter. thats why i always get puzzled looks whenever i give my answer because they're wondering if im trying to be funny. obviously, they want updates about me rather than being informed where im heading for that particular day.

anyway, i answered correctly when i was asked the "please update me about yourself" question. i said im working in a nearby law office. she noted that i was only wearing a pair of jeans and chucks and a collared shirt (with a backpack). well, thats my office attire (and my office bag). i only wear court attire whenever i have court hearings (and i still use a backpack when i go to court). its not my thing to wear something formal or semi-formal (there are times i like wearing formal clothing but most of the time i dont). besides, our office doesnt have a dress code. i think the only rule is to just look decent enough. i guess. i think its common sense to look decent when one goes to the office. but since its not a strict rule, i sometimes go to the office with a 3 day to 5 day beard (i get lazy from time to time). clients dont seem to mind. i think. no one made a comment about my 3 day beard today (and im going to wear a 4day beard tomorrow. by wednesday, back to clean shaven look because im going to court).

with my laid back clothing, no one would think im a lawyer. i think i dont even act like a lawyer. i still act like some average guy with an average job (lawyering is seen to be a not so average occupation in this country). i dont mind being seen this way. keeping a low profile has always been my thing. and i really like wearing comfy clothing regardless of how it looks (although my current clothes arent really comfy anymore).

i gained a lot of weight lately resulting in 85% of my clothes not fitting me that nicely anymore in addition to the 10% that no longer fits me no matter how i try to wear it. my jeans feel tight already and some are already "falling apart" (one's got a hole and the zipper for another pair just broke earlier today). i only get new clothes during my birthday and during christmas. i dont buy my clothes. well, casual clothes to be more specific because i recently bought my court clothing. but given my current situation and probable continuous weight gain (i might be heading towards obesity. if i do reach that point, it will be the first time in my almost three decades of existence), i might have to buy clothes myself. its not my thing to buy clothes but i guess i really have no choice. its either i look stupid with uncomfy clothes or look stupid with comfy clothes that fit just right.

why did we make clothing this complicated in the first place? we just had to depart from simple clothing styles. well, i really dont mean what i just said because clothing and style have a big impact on appearance (i wont be able to appreciate the beauty of some celebrities if not for their sense of style). i just find buying my clothes really burdensome.

improvement starts with "i". i also need a better eye and an aye attitude

earlier today, i had a crazy thought. i thought of stopping my lazy lifestyle and aiming for excellence for a change. thinking about it now makes me feel tired. i hate doing something burdensome. but lately, i have been thinking that im in a half decade slump. im not as good as i was before. im a retard now. i mean, my intellectual level has not made any substantial development for half a decade or maybe more (ive been complaining about this for quite some time and i havent done anything to address it). sure some people still think im some kind of intelligent person but for three or four years, i havent been able to meet those expectations (i got a low grade for the bar exams. i took the exam seriously but i didnt give my best. as usual. i dont like giving my 100%. but i really put a lot of effort in it. i really studied hard. so its a bit unfair, yet flattering, but still unfair, for people to say to me that i was too relaxed during the review. that all i did was rent and watch movies and go to kiddie parties. well, i did do such things but i still studied hard at the same time. i just have my way of doing things. sometimes i wish people would recognize my "hardwork" even if it appears to be not much work for them. for me its an effort already). i think the only reason they thought im some kind of intelligent person was through people who knew me before. so its just hearsay, devoid of any basis. as for others who have known me long enough, they still have faith that the old me is somewhere inside me, hibernating or something. they still believe i can do things simply because they believe i can still be as good as i was before.

anyway, i thought i cant afford to be lazy anymore. the longer i continue the lazy lifestyle, the dumber i get. i need to do some hardwork and aim higher (i hate hardwork when im the one doing it!). actually, its time to always aim for number one at everything. crap. i hate it but if i want to keep up with greatness, i have to. this new lawyer environment is no longer some "kid stuff" which i can easily deal with. i miss the days when greatness was some effortless thing. of course i can always choose not to be great or not be a man of greatness but i got this far already, might as well make the best of it. im not convinced with what i just said but i do feel bad if i dont make good use of this lawyering thing.

if the world is ending, im throwing a party. but i think most people would be too busy panicking.

so the world will end. so what? i dont know what the big fuss is all about. with the rapture prediction, the end of the world became a hot topic...for the nth time. and im joining the fray.

let Jesus return, let the world crumble, why worry about it? why are people so afraid of judgment day or end of the world or whatever that will end life as we know it?

contrary to popular belief, i am a God fearing person and i do practice my faith. despite Stephen Hawking's comment implying there is no God or divine being (i think that's his latest comment based on his recent assessment of life, the universe and everything) which i accept to be perfectly reasonable and rational,  i still have faith in God. that's just the thing about faith, you just believe no matter what. but of course, i make sure i dont fall into blind adherence. that's making proper use of the God-given human will (unlike some Christians and other members of other religions). i pray every night, i go to mass every Sunday and i live my life trying to do things according to God's will. i make sure that im always guided by my conscience influenced by a spiritual self strengthened by faith in God. of course, being merely human, i am always susceptible to sin and temptation but thats part of practicing one' faith. its a never ending struggle to do more right than wrong, to live according to God's will (i now make a distinction between Church teachings and God's will. Church teachings are mostly valid except for some narrow-minded and inconsiderate positions which unavoidably raises doubts on the Church's authority on interpreting God's intentions). to strive to be perfect as part of the human thirst for the Infinite is supposed to be one of man's lifelong goals (if i remember my theology classes correctly).

going back to the end of the world talk, i dont know why people worry about it. if people live their lives in accordance to the faith they have, there shouldnt be any problems. a friend once commented, and i think ive posted an entry about it before, if the world does end, he knows that i would just sit down, relax and watch the world crumble. there's really nothing to worry about. if youre a sinner, youre doomed. if not, good for you. so why panic? if im going to hell, worrying about it and panicking wont get me anywhere except hell. im going to accept what God thinks i deserve.if there's an appeal process, then appeal. i doubt it. but just in case God is generous enough. i mean, a person has his or her entire life to do things according to God's will and on the last minute ask for a second chance or a chance to prove that he or she shouldnt go to hell or to not receive some kind of punishment? how can that person defend himself or herself in God's court.

anyway, if there's still time to repent, then repent. dont wait for the end of days to come. besides, at the end of the day during the end of the world, its God's call. as Stephen Hawking said "[w]e should seek the greatest value of our action". its weird that those who have a religion waste their time worrying about death and the end of the world instead of just living their lives in accordance to their faith. or is it just the Christians who worry? someone once said, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." (this quote is attributed to Gandhi but its still disputed whether he actually said it. so until there's a conclusive determination who said it, i will attribute it to someone). maybe thats why all this end of the world talk generate a lot of buzz.

just another PS3 entry

a friend asked me this few weeks ago: "what's up with guys and video games?"

i really dont know. we just like it. ever since i got tired of those facebook games, ive been craving for a PS3. now that i have a PS3, i dont even understand why i played those facebook games in the first place. well, i have to admit those facebook games arent that bad. but its certainly not comparable to "real" video games.

video games are enjoyable. pure and simple. we dont ask why, we just play. why guys like it more than girls, i have no idea. it never bothered me. although guys in a relationship might need some good explanation to give to their girlfriends why they spend a lot on video games (a newly released PS3 game costs around P2K. and there's no bootleg version for PS3 games on blu-ray discs). i guess thats why the PS3 added a lot of features. so guys can provide a good explanation why its worth the money. so aside from just being a simple video game console, it can play DVDs, Blu-ray movies and downloaded movies in .avi format (i dont know what other formats it can play. as long as it can play .avi format, im good). it can play downloaded Youtube videos in .mp4 format (because PS3's browser sucks so i dont bother using it to watch Youtube vids). if thats not enough, it has enough hard disk capacity to serve as a storage for photos and music library. i think it also has a simple built in video editor too (im not really that eager to find out the other features. i just want to play games and watch girls' generation videos. so instead of a music library, i have a music video library). its also a bluetooth and wifi enabled device. but like i said, its internet browser sucks.

so for a video game console with a lot of features, its not a bad purchase. well, its not a problem for an employed single guy like me. i dont need to convince anyone. its my money, its my time. but with regard to my friend, she still didnt get it. she knows it has a lot of features but still, its a video game console, primarily used for video games. money can be spent on more valuable things instead on a blu-ray disc worth around P2K to be used on a machine thats worth thousands (depends on the PS3 model. the ones that are still in production are at least P13K with the latest model around P14K. that is, if one can find decent enough stores that sell it at this low price. most stores usually sell it at P18K-P21K. thats why it took me weeks of canvassing).

i wasnt able to explain to her why guys like video games, why guys are willing to spend a lot on these things even if we dont have much time to use it (if i were in college, i would be playing video games all day. but since im working now, i try to squeeze in some game time whenever i can). its not necessarily a guy thing but it looks that way. we really just like to play video games.   

Pureisutēshon Surī

finally got me self a sony playstation 3! its been years since i played a video game through a video game console. my very first video game console (which i didnt really own since i did not buy it with my own money) was a PS one. i got it when i was already a freshman in college. i started losing interest in it when the PS2 was released and my cousin bought one. playing games with the PS one doesnt feel as exciting after experiencing PS2.

and now, i have my own PS3. one my major purchases since i became a laywer (the first one was a lenovo laptop which was not for me). im old but not too old for video games. you cant be too old for video games. well, in a few years, my generation will find out if there's such a thing as being too old for video games. video games have changed ever since the 1970s (when the first generation of video game consoles were born).

anyway, i bought it on a friday night, almost three weeks ago. i came home itching to buy it. i was planning on buying one ever since i passed the bar (as a reward for myself) but i cant decide when. almost everyday i kept telling my siblings im going to buy myself a PS3. i cant just buy it because there are a lot of other important things i should be spending my money on (although i do have enough money to buy one, still, i need to prioritize the necessary expenses). also, i have work so when i do buy one, i must have time to play it so i can test it well. but on that particular friday night, i just cant bear it any longer. i just had to buy it. so i did what nike tells people to do. just do it. and i did.

i remember i got home around 8:30 that night. i just had a very busy week. and i thought, a PS3 would be something nice to have that weekend. so i rushed to the mall, got there around 9pm. i still have an hour before it closes. i have been canvassing for weeks, so i already know which shop to go to. i went to the shop, asked for the price of the console, additional controller, HDMI cable (i need to have an HDMI cable. what's the point of getting a PS3 if i wont be able to use its HDMI slot and upscaling abilities) and a couple of games. i asked the salesperson to add it all up and i will just go to the nearest ATM to get the money (i try not to carry any money with me when i commute). 20 minutes later, i was paying for the console and the other stuff. holy crap. finally, i have a PS3 (dropped by the nearest ministop first before heading home because i havent eaten my dinner).

i didnt buy it out of impulse (although it appears that way). it was just a question of when. ive been doing my research on which video game console to buy and the PS3 came out on top (and the most expensive). its not simply a video game console like the PS one. its also a Blu-ray player. it also has a large hard disk capacity (320 gig) where i can store pics, music and videos. i dont intend to use it to play music or view pictures. but what really convinced me to buy a PS3 (aside from the video games of course) is that it can play .avi and .mp4 video format. when i learned that i can play and store my downloaded videos in it, i knew its going to be worth my money. i can play games and watch shows i like (and if i eventually decide i want to play non-sedentary video games like the games available on Wii, i can buy its Playstation equivalent, the Playstation Move). the only thing i hate is its internet browser. it sucks. it would have been perfect if its browser was as good as the ones in ordinary computers.

now i can strike the PS3 off my list of tech stuff to buy this year. time to save up for the next gadget. the thanksgiving dinner was...financially draining. if not for that dinner i could have bought myself a really nice digicam and a kindle. but the latter can wait. actually, its not even that necessary. i dont even have to buy it this year.

its only been a month? felt like half a year

officially a lawyer for one full month. i signed the Roll of Attorneys last April 18 (the bar exam results were released last March 17). the last act before one becomes a full fledged member of the Philippine bar. one year ago, i told a friend that i can only relax the moment i sign the rolls. not until that moment, i wont be satisfied with just passing the bar exams. i mean, anything could happen. i could die in an accident before April 18. in that case, i died as a law graduate and a bar exam passer, not a lawyer. and now, a month has passed since i signed the rolls. i still cant fully relax.

being a new lawyer is really tiring. i dont think its just the work that drains me. im still in an adjustment stage. there's a lot of things i dont know. the stuff they teach in law school are just the simple things. the bar exams only ask basic questions. actual law practice is intellectually challenging. i like it of course but there's really no time to immerse in it. there are deadlines to meet, clients to talk to and other stuff to be done. its like learning with a time limit. i cant take my time in thinking and formulating strategies. there are a handful of cases that need attention in a given week. multitasking is not necessarily a must but it would be really, really useful. i know that this is how things are supposed to be since im just starting. over time, things will become routinary. with every case, with every experience i gain, eventually i can handle a number of cases with ease and finish it without much thought.

one problem i have with lawyering is how i can make it "my way". its a bit shallow but its unavoidable too. im not a flashy dresser. im not a smooth talker. i hate talking.  well, i prefer not to talk most of the time. but i have to at least be "lawyerly" or conduct myself like one. a few weeks ago, i wanted to buy a leather bag but im backpack type of guy. i go to court wearing a dark barong with a backpack. thats how i do it. but the leather bag really looks nice. and it obviously goes well with court attire. but thats just not me. ever since i was in grade II, i always used a backpack. the only time i dont use a backpack is when i use my laptop bags. so i thought, im going to buy a leather laptop bag. if there's such a thing. stuff like this clutter my brain. its nonsense but the character i play has always been something i really take care of. and i digressed.

i was asked if lawyering is awesome. it is. but right now, i cant enjoy it. time isnt on my side. not yet. im still adjusting how i can keep up with the pace.

i hate wake up calls

i made my first embarrassing court appearance earlier today. the judge really made me look i didnt know what i was doing. i looked so bad that i was honestly waiting for the judge to say to my client to replace me with a more competent counsel. it was a big miscommunication with my client and im to blame. i should have been more cautious. i relied too quickly on what was given to me and acted on it without giving it some more thought. 

well, i am a new lawyer (im just two days away from being officially a lawyer for one full month). but thats not really an excuse when i already had a limited law practice for one year and a half. ive attended court hearings before and everything went fine in most, if not all, of my previous court appearances. i even won a case already. sort of. im the one that conducted the direct examination for a particular case, with not much opposition. the only way the court will not rule in my favor is if the judge was heartless. so there's still a slight chance of losing. anyway, this is the first time ive handled a case under a specific and special field of law practice. so, in effect, its my first time. but still, i cant let myself have that excuse.

people would say im being hard on myself. right after the embarrassing moment, my client was in effect consoling me, telling me its all right. thats how bad i took it. i guess my state was like a straight A student who received his first D. im no straight A student, and ive done a lot of disappointing things but i was really shocked with what transpired during today's hearing. i admit i was not really prepared but again, its no excuse. i know i could have done more. i could have served my client better. i know im better than what i showed earlier. i guess its a wake up call for me to take this lawyering seriously. most people think im the serious type but thats really just form. inside, i take most things lightly. its really burdensome to take things seriously.

sunny bunny

\

sleepyhead ice princess

I know the How and I know the Why

slow day at work today so i looked for some books online and decided to read Orwell's 1984. cant believe i havent read this. its nice i can now read non-law books. i even reserved a box set of Larsson's Millenium Series last Sunday (i just want the paperback version and not the expensive hardbound box set). when i saw on TV that the Swedish version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was released last March 30 on select local theaters, i immediately went to the bookstore to get myself a copy of the trilogy because i dont want to watch it until ive read the book.

Some excerpts from 1984 on power, truth and reality:

There was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against the whole world, you were not mad.

Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing - O'Brien

"...if you want to keep a secret you must also hide it from yourself. You must know all the while that it is there, but until it is needed you must never let it emerge into your consciousness in any shape that could be given a name."
 

Doublethink: 

The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them....To tell deliberate lies while genuinely believing in them, to forget any fact that has become inconvenient, and then, when it becomes necessary again, to draw it back from oblivion for just so long as it is needed, to deny the existence of objective reality and all the while to take account of the reality which one denies — all this is indispensably necessary. Even in using the word doublethink it is necessary to exercise doublethink. For by using the word one admits that one is tampering with reality; by a fresh act of doublethink one erases this knowledge; and so on indefinitely, with the lie always one leap ahead of the truth

We control matter because we control the mind. Reality is inside the skull. - O'Brien

tech stuff

my cousin just bought a kindle from someone who posted an ad in some online auction and shopping website. the price is really good and i really would like to buy one too so my cousin gave me the person's username and i found out she's also selling beats by Dr. Dre. damn it! i already have a list of gadgets im going to buy this year and even if i really want to, i cant let that list grow much longer (for this year at least). so i will have to end that list with beats and kindle. so self-control, you have an additional work to do.

now that i can spend a little more compared to before, i really need to control my spending. last weekend, i just went shopping for "court clothing" (my feet still hurts because of all the walking and looking for stores that has my size. i didnt know shopping can be torture. the shopping im familiar with is shopping for gadgets and buying groceries. i dont recall my feet hurting for days after shopping for tech stuff and groceries). about 2 weeks earlier, i just bought my sister a laptop. i promised i was going to replace it ever since i took her laptop a few years ago and made it my own. so her Lenovo G4000 is now officially mine and i replaced it with a Lenovo Ideapad Z460 (i have brand loyalty). i was planning to get her a Lenovo G460 but when i went to the Lenovo store at SM North, they said they currently didnt have any stock and a new batch will arrive the day after (and i just asked them 3 days earlier whether they still have enough units available). since i really need the new laptop that day (because my brother needs to finish a school project and our desktop computer cant handle the software requirements. im overprotective of my laptop and i wont install any new software which im not familiar with or unsure of its compatibility with my laptop's OS. its OS is Windows Vista so i really dont feel secure. also, it was only a few days before mercury retrograde so i really had to buy it already. last time i bought a gadget during the retrograde, i had to return the item to be replaced and it took months before i got it back), i went to other computer shops to check their prices. a few shops later, i came across a shop that has a good offer for their Lenovo Ideapad Z460. thats how i ended up buying it instead of going for what i initially planned to buy.

so in less than a month, ive spent more than what i spent for the latter half of 2010. i really need to control my goddamn spending or im going to go bankrupt. at this age, i should be saving some money to buy my own house (actually, when i was 14, i thought i would have my own house by now! and a car! well, at least my 14 year old self was right that i would have my current mindset. i am the person i thought i would be at this age). so after the PS3, PSP and other gadgets, im going to save up to get me self a home sweet home.

Oh, and one more thing.

"You can deny angels exist. Convince ourselves they can't be real. But they show up anyway, at strange places and at strange times. They can speak through any character we can imagine. They'll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us, challenging us to fight."- Sweet Pea

Just saw Sucker Punch last sunday. its not officially in my movie list for this year (i just mentioned it as a movie i might watch because of Jamie Chung). funny thing is, i think its the first movie ive seen this year (my memory is very selective lately). well, first one ive watched in a movie theater. first one and its not even in my list. its not bad. i would say its a bit good because i see it as something worth watching on a big screen. not necessarily a movie theater. something to watch on a big screen for free like a home theater system. the movie takes you on a enjoyable enough ride. the soundtrack's good too. or maybe the reason i found it enjoyable is because of the female cast. in any case, its definitely not bad for me (my siblings didnt like it. they said it lacks depth. well, maybe. i mean, i dont see what's wrong with Rebecca Black's Friday).

i really should have a print out of my movie list. i already missed the Green Hornet and the Rite. and a couple of movies in my list are currently showing in theaters. i really need to take this movie list seriously now that it seems the movie rental business seems to be on the decline. Video City Matalino permanently closed last month. i think the same thing happened to Video City SM North. where the hell will i rent DVDs now?