Im tired of magic tricks...I dont want to be fooled

Every great magic trick consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The magician shows you something ordinary: a deck of cards, a bird or a man. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed real, unaltered, normal. But of course... it probably isn't. The second act is called "The Turn". The magician takes the ordinary something and makes it do something extraordinary. Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know. You want to be fooled. But you wouldn't clap yet. Because making something disappear isn't enough; you have to bring it back. That's why every magic trick has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige"."- Cutter

im a sucker for aegyo

the "puss in boots" face, them lips! them hips! cant believe they didnt release this way back in 2008. for a cover song, its better than Duffy's...im just a sucker for aegyo.

return of the insomniac

so i roamed the city streets at past midnight. my feet were restless. well, ive been restless for weeks. as much as possible i dont want to be indoors during the night. sigh. anyway, i saw this old man, probably in his 60s or 70s. he was wearing a cap, sunglasses (yup, sunglasses at 1 in the morning), and lighting a fucking cigarette. and he was just loitering there, sitting under a tree, like "meh. i really dont have anything else to do and i dont feel like sleeping". he doesnt look like someone who sleeps on the streets. he's like someone who's bored and decided to just go out and roam. then i thought "am i going to end up like him? bored and alone at 1am, smoking a cig under a tree, on a polluted highway, watching fucking cars speed by". thats what im doing now. the only difference is im walking and not just sitting there idly. but to be doing the same thing for decades? crap. that sucks. fuck. that fucking sucks.

hopefully im going to die in three years. if recurring visions are true. if not, crap. i already have a plan in case the high school hunch does push through but, the thing with plans, or my plans, is that life tends to mess it up. just for the sake of messing with me. cmon life. give me a break. ive been putting up with your shit for years and i dont ask for anything in return. or if i did ask for anything, i promptly gave something in return. so stop being a prick? okay? dont undo what i have done. i really, really would like to be a nice guy. but if you keep messing things up, you know i can be a pain in the fucking ass. im going to be that stubborn kid with a fucking tantrum. im going to give death the finger for being a fucking pussy. cmon death. what the fuck? are you life's bitch? yeah. i think i just lost some screws on my way home. and they say today is the end of the fucking world. holy shit. life, piss me off and this is going to be end of the world as we know it.

damn it. i need to get some sleep. i dont know what im saying anymore. nothing good happens after 2am so i better shut my mouth before life gets pissed off and take some drastic measures to keep me in line. sorry life (and death), im really not myself right now. 

breaking stuff since 1983

this week has been about breaking stuff. or things getting broken.

Smoking:
Yup. After quitting a few years ago, i managed to pick up that wonderful stick of cigarette. Holy crap. I missed it so much! I have been craving for it for weeks. The craving was really driving me nuts. I was having that imaginary taste of nicotine in my mouth. So when i finally gave in, it was like "good God! im sorry but fuck! why cant i smoke this everyday?!" Fortunately, i can still control myself well enough that i havent picked up a second stick since then. But lately, ive been catching myself staring at women at the smoker's area in restaurants. they must think im looking at them but im actually eyeing the cigarette stick theyre holding between their fingers. well, if they're hot, im also eyeing them but fuck! what i really want is that cigarette stick!


Simbang Gabi:
I managed to complete Simbang Gabi two years in a row. Not this year. I havent even attended one. Crap. Well, God, this wasnt part of the promise i made back in 2009. i never made an offer to attend Simbang Gabi. so, i didnt break our deal. So far ive managed to comply with my end of the bargain. if i havent, send some lightning my way. or actually hit me with lightning. it doesnt really matter to me anymore. And im sorry if im taking too long with the communion thing. You have to admit, im finding it difficult to forgive myself. My condition was, and still is, im going to start receiving holy communion when im ready. for a person who is commonly perceived as an atheist, i take my faith and worship seriously.


Running Shoes:
Plus broke. sort of. while walking inside the mall, my right running shoe felt weird. when i checked it half an hour later (yup, it took me half an hour to reach that level of curiosity why my right running shoe felt weird while walking), part of the sole was already detached. do i fix it or buy another pair? im thinking both.


Woman's Heart:
Yeah. i really dont like breaking women's hearts. actually i dont break women's hearts...intentionally. im the one who usually gets his heart broken. But i have to. Christmas is just around the corner so i better break it before Christmas. damn it! Why cant "im really busy right now. most likely im going to be busy until election time" a sufficient hint? i stopped answering her text messages too. Why would someone insist on texting a person who hasnt answered for days? and the last text message i sent was "sorry, im really busy. i have no time". come to think of it, i also experienced being at the other end. but i got the hint after a couple of days of being ignored. i was just bored thats why i kept pestering her. why do we have to complicate things?

then fast forward a few years later, theyre going to be in some law office, complaining about their partners. people have the knack for choosing the wrong person for the wrong reasons. usually, its really a matter of being more logical during the time you were making that crucial choice which to keep and which to let go. sometimes im tempted to say, "when you chose that partner of yours, what were you thinking? oh. wait, you werent thinking. and now youre crying your eyes out? what happened to the other person? is she or he better off compared to you?" well, if i said this, my client would probably unleash hell in my office since im not really helping. meh. what do i know? i just keep on moving until i reach the end of the journey. the unbaggable mr. kite.

i should be writing more. posting vids is just plain lazy

im starting to rediscover the music i used to listen to

As long as its still about me then why not.

Today, Tristofer, we believe God wants you to know that ..

your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

God loves you with the very air you breathe, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere, - melt your barriers, and you will have love in abundance.

haaay. Joyce Pring...

i told her that i like her...more than a friend.

tapos ang sagot ni luningning: you know what? i like you too...but youre like a brother to me.

Boom!

Kkab Yul

because i dont have time to watch youtube videos :(

i noticed that i havent been practicing my writing skills lately thus the rusty fingertips

to give my average "literary" brain a little squeeze...

a few days ago i celebrated my birthday. voluntarily. im not the type...or i used to be the type of person who hates his birthday. not that i dont like growing old...well, i do but thats not the reason for my dislike for the day of my birth. its just people tend to make a big deal out of it. people remember it more than i do and they want to make it special and i find that stressful. or i used to find it stressful. im not used to receiving such kind of love from a lot of people. or im just that type who really doesnt like to be loved. its like i feel i need to return the favor. like the time my college blockmates gave me a gift on my birthday. i was happy of course but a part of me felt obligated to be nice or do something in return. thats why one my blockmates started teasing me and telling our law school blockmates the way i reacted, that it was insulting, just to drive her point that i dont have to feel burdened. well, that didnt work. im known for being stubborn.

it was only this year that i started to embrace the idea that my birthday really should be a day dedicated to celebrating one's life and not a day for things happening according to what i want. add the fact that i think i finally restored a healthy level of inner peace, where i can honestly say that im living a life with no regrets (well, this is prospective in nature and therefore does not retroact to the period of my life where i lost my "inner peace" so therefore, i now have what i call "the 8 year window" where ive done a lot of regretful things. im thinking if i should make a list similar to earl hickey).

anyway, like i said, people make a fuss about my birthday. given that i gave my consent to celebrate my birthday, my parents started planning and preparing what to do. since i dont know how to cook, i just volunteered to buy dozens of donuts, pancit and pizza. fortunately, the celebration at home went well. the office celebration went well too but it didnt really go very smoothly during the planning stage. i had to pacify an officemate a bit when he felt that another officemate ruined my birthday celebration plans. during that time, i remembered a client who also manifested the same kind of resentment and hatred, this time to our opposing lawyer. my client was really trying to convince me to resort to the same kind of strategy our opposing lawyer was doing, which was throwing malevolent, baseless and offensive statements to the opposing party. i kept replying that im not that kind of lawyer and im not that kind of person who's easily affected by offensive statements. the client just replied "mabait ka kasi attorney", looking disappointed. what did she expect? anyway, we sort of won the case so i proved that doing things my way is good enough. im digressing. damn it.

so i celebrated my birthday and it was the first time since i was a teenager that i actually enjoyed celebrating my birthday. if im not mistaken, the last time i really enjoyed celebrating my birthday at home was when i was 13. the subsequent birthdays just felt burdensome. people like to celebrate it more than i do. or thats how i saw it. i really found it stressful that they're more happy that i exist compared to my level of satisfaction for my existence.  and they always talk about politics during gatherings. since i was just a highschool student or college student or law student, i really dont have good opinions or capable of contributing to the discussion at my clan's level. their experience really makes whatever stuff i learn from academic institutions look like scraps of paper in a trash bin. or thats how i felt. now, things have changed. now that im a lawyer, im burdened that my words are worth something. but at least this is better since there's a sense of recognition. well, thats what i think. meh. point is, i enjoyed my birthday this year and that's something i havent done for quite some time.

wow. im really struggling to write something as easy as a blog entry.

i think im going to fail to surpass my self for the 2nd straight year

im having one of those days where im anticipating something and at the same time surprised about it as if it was something unexpected. take today for example. ive been counting down to december since i have marked this day as a deadline. i was too focused on thinking of the end of november that i failed to realize that december comes after. stupid isnt it? missing the obvious is one of my peculiar traits (like feigning ignorance, acting stupid, walking contradiction, etc. as i grow older, i become more convinced that having a brain like mine is a curse). anyway, after hours of counting down as november 2012 fades into nothingness, i was suddenly surprised a few minutes ago its december already. what the? its like half of me knew that its december already since ive been waiting for november to end while the other half is just absolutely clueless. i was really surprised to see the date on my computer clock that its the 1st of december already.

this explains how my right hand can do things which my left hand is completely unaware of. not literally of course. this trait somewhat resembles absentmindedness but not quite. its more of being on autopilot. residual consciousness. if i set my mind on something, i mean, if i get too focused on something, i start to have tunnel vision. but the trick is, dont let one's entire attention be sucked in it. its the voice at the back of one's mind. so while my attention is deeply focused on something, the subconscious tries to gather a small amount of consciousness to make mental notes. once i achieve enough focus to go on autopilot, the two forms of consciousness switch places.

now that i have passed my neuro exam and i have been declared as sane, i can now be open again about my weirdness and other eccentricities.

the guy from the ivory tower has been asking me questions lately

last week, while inside my office room, i wondered if im able to truly love another person. the reason why such a question popped in my head is because i have this client who was doing everything he can for his kids. i mean, this guy really loves them so much that he is willing to endure pain and to make sacrifices in order to give them a better life. the same way my parents have done for me.

i just tried to imagine how they do it. they have this person who makes their heart weep so much that the pain must be so great and that is the same person that makes their heart swell with immeasurable delight. i know of people who have made me feel that way (or something similar) but i havent really experienced it the same way my client or my parents did. i mean, they have loved a person that gives them great pain and great joy for numerous decades. their love for that person doesnt seem to fade or diminish over time.

so i asked myself, can i do the same? and in that office room, i answered "i dont know". i answered with an expression similar to barney and quinn when they asked whether they trust each other and they said "no".

i think i can do it but thinking is different from actually doing it. from actually feeling it. saying "yes i can" because i think i can is just the first step to a thousand mile journey. one's love for a person is bound to be tested by time. and whether it will grow stronger, stay the same or falter isnt something i can answer at this point in time. well, certainly i cant answer it since i dont have any recipient for such affection but what i mean is, if there is someone, can i love that person with the same kind of love my client has exhibited or the same love my parents have given me? like i said, i dont know. of course im going to do everything i can to make things work but i also shouldnt forget the possibility that some things just arent meant to be. and this is the more pertinent question i asked myself that day: am i really meant to be "normal" or im better off staying weird?

im that guy who had decided as early as high school to live a solitary life. im a self-proclaimed loner (the same way im a self-proclaimed black sheep. and people disagree). that is why i graduated from college not noticing that i never had a girlfriend. i just didnt have a need for it. i was ok on my own. it was only when i started "opening up" that i became less weird and started doing what normal people do. i allowed myself to like women, lowered my defenses (thus decreasing my aversion for them since i consider them my kryptonite) and even made attempts to be in somewhat romantic relationships. not sure if ive tried everything, most likely i havent, but ive tried lots, and nothing worked. i just kept getting back up from every miss and mistake i make to the point that i said "three strikes, im out" for nothing continued to happen. so i started fooling around to pass the time since nothing's going to work anyway. in the end, or until recently, i thought, im just fooling myself.


then i started to wonder, "maybe i was right in the first place". maybe im supposed to be that weird guy who likes to live alone. the thing is, the reason i answered "i dont know" when i asked myself if i can truly love another person with the same love my client/parents exhibited is because when i tried to look back at the women i liked and imagined if things did work out with them, i thought, im not sure if my feelings for them will stay the same for decades. but can i really answer it now? or can anyone answer it right away? that they can love a person in sickness and in health til death comes for one of them? when they answer, arent they really answering in present tense? anyway, my point is, i thought, maybe that is why i dont have an intense desire to be in a relationship with anyone. im not fully convinced its for me. of course, people will say, its because i havent met that girl that would really change the way i think or transform me into that normal person. well, if thats true, then why cant i shake off the hunch that its my high school self that i should be listening to? why am i scared of actually meeting someone that will change me? or to put it in another way, why am i more interested in maintaining the current state of things? even though i say "wouldnt it be nice to be in a relationship", i dont think im entirely for it. a part of me finds it unacceptable. actually, most of me is against being in a relationship. its just im capable of actually loving a person and a part of me feels bad that i dont get to use it. its frustrating to have something great lying around in some corner unused. issues. i have commitment and attachment issues. i think. well, i promised myself to start this week right, so i cant be up all night even if i have demons to fight.

crap. its 1am already. if im going to start this week right, i better be at mcdonalds by sunrise

Quotes from the film "Pote tin Kyriaki" (1960)

Because you are the whole world. beautiful and corrupt. Ilia is lovely. but for me, she's not a woman. she's an idea. She's an outlaw! - Homer Thrace

***
They said that the true happiness comes from the pleasure of the mind. That the greatest happiness is the joy of understanding - Homer Thrace

***
And Ilya ate the apple of wisdom and she knew shame. - The Captain

***
The Captain: So he told Taki if he couldn't read music, he was no real musician and he never would be. So Taki began to cry and he said he would never play again

Taki: Im ignorant! I'll never play again!

Ilya: Taki, listen. People who made up music notes..they made them up so that they could write down music, no? You make music. They need the notes to write down what you play. If you dont play, what can they do with their notes? Nothing. Taki, can birds read music?

Taki: No.

Ilya: So should birds stop singing?

***
Homer Thrace: Youre beatiful but youre dumb! i wanted to save you. because you were the symbol!

Tonio: She's not a symbol. She is a woman

***
The Captain: if anyone will save Ilia, it would be Tonio

Homer Thrace: Why Tonio?

The Captain: Because with love, its possible

can i get a much stronger push? like "God wants you to know...go get her you idiot!"

On this day of your life, Tristofer, we believe God wants you to know ... that to love is to be vulnerable.

Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.

all about the stuff i cathect and my lumix Miyoung

so i finally bought me a tablet. but i shall not write a blog entry about it until i write an entry for my Lumix LX5, which is almost one year late (and there's already a Lumix LX7). i have to be fair to all my stuff i "cathect".

dagger and cloak as yoonyul

i have an entry for my phones Cloak and Dagger and my laptop Grimlock. i give names to stuff i own that i really like (i call my backpack "69", my wristwatch: "4D". my thumbdrives "Laserbeak" and "Snaptrap", my mp3 player "Opal" (well, it is its default name), my cousin's ipaq "Hawkeye III", my PS3 "Noir", our PC "Teletraan", my running shoes "Plus" and "Minus", my chucks "Black" and "Blue" (yeah, i wasnt in the mood to be creative with their names then), my boots "Zip" and "Earth", my "mall bag" "Yuki", my "jogging bag" "X", my sports earphones "Number 8", my workbag "Ironhide", my sennheiser earphones "Bliss", my sports bottles "Curve" and "Camel", my cereal bowl "Dos", my parker pens "Gold" and "Silver", my caps "Dot" and "Santa", my switchblade "Strawberry Farm", my spoon, fork and chopsticks "Nom, nom and Nom",  and my tablet "Rinnegan" (at the moment. the names arent permanent. but i rarely change them anyway). i think that's errbody)

why give em names? well, these are the stuff i intend to "work" with for quite some time and when its time for them to "retire", i will feel bad about not being able to use them anymore (like "Dot"). these are the personal stuff i cathect thats why i give em names. i use its names like "where the crap is Silver"? or "i have to meet a client and Black's a bit dirty so...Blue, youre up", "im going to bicol. 69 and Zip, youre coming with me", "Damn it Cloak, why do you have to crash and lose all my contacts. now i have to plug you to Teletraan to restore your back-up". i dont know. its more interesting than just calling it nokia phone or black bag or that pair of white shoes, etc. maybe i need a pet. or im just weird and creepy. in any case, i like giving names to stuff i like. its like establishing some kind of "partnership" with them. like driving an automobile. you dont just drive a car, you get to know it in order to drive it well. you acquaint yourself wih how this automobile operates. but with the non-mechanical stuff, its really just having a favorite pen or a cap you use very often.

Free Time; AAGG: Paradise in Phuket

so if my stuff doesnt have a name, its just some piece of machinery or some stuff. sorry samsung phone. maybe i will grow to like you in the coming months.

anyway, i bought my Panasonic Lumix LX5 (which i call Miyoung) last December 2011. it was recommended to me by a friend. but i was still very undecided when to buy it then. i was thinking of postponing it until the first quarter of 2012. i mean, its not some cheap ass digicam. then i saw Tiffany Hwang carrying a Lumix GF1 (if im not mistaken) and i thought "wow. that camera looks nice with a leather case. and a girls' generation member owns a lumix" (yeah, girls generation can pretty much sell me anything and im likely to buy it. i bought an intel i5 processor because of them, i bought an LG

Free Time; AAGG: Paradise in Phuket

monitor because of them, i eat Samyang ramyun because of them). then i checked the Lumix Lx5 and it also has a leather case and it kinda looks like the one Tiffany has. so i thought, im going to buy me a Lumix digicam (and its leather case. its really the leather case that caught my attention). i didnt get the digicam model Tiffany Hwang has because i already had my eye on the LX5. seeing her with a lumix camera just made me decide to buy it as soon as possible because i started to have intense desire to have it. so a couple of weeks later, i got me a lumix LX5 and i was, and still am, happy with it. im no photographer but the camera made me interested in taking photos. i like what it captures. the pictures are great. the only thing i feel bad about it is that, i cant maximize its use because im not a photographer. but im trying to get myself acquainted with its other capabilities. so far, i havent mastered its timing the same way i mastered my previous digicam Cybershot (didnt have to come up with a name because cybershot is a nice name to begin with) which was stolen from me because 69 wasnt zipped properly.

Free Time; AAGG: Paradise in Phuket

what i really really want is...an adventure of a lifetime?

last weekend, while inside the mall to go to a cellphone store to have something replaced, i asked myself "how come i dont hustle?". i mean, why dont i exert some effort to get what i want? then i thought, thats not entirely true. i hustle for food i want. if i want J.Co donuts, 90% of the time i would try to think of a reason to go to the mall so i can drop by J.Co. if i cant think of a reason, im going to go there anyway and line up for an hour and a half for a dozen mouth watering donuts. if the lady at J.Co says the donut flavor i want isnt available, im going to ask her to check and make sure that its really not available or im going to wait for it if they're still going to make one. 10% of the time, i dont want it that bad. thats when i dont "hustle".

another example was when i really wanted to take a shower and have a massage after a tiring work day and before going out with friends. since im in a somewhat unfamiliar territory, it took me hours before finally finding a spa with my preferences (must have a shower!). i mean, if i really want something, i really go the extra mile to get it. that is why i dont hustle to get the girl that i like. i just probably dont want it that bad. the fact that i can "stop" myself from liking a girl could only mean my desire for her is not strong enough. so i asked myself "why would i hustle half-heartedly? im being unfair to the girl and im depriving other guys who might be more deserving for they would hustle for that girl more than i would." so i thought, "then my problem is contentment?" i mean, thats why i dont want things that bad because im ok with the way things are now. thats why i dont hustle for a better paying job. sure i make an effort, but i dont hustle. i complain about my salary but i really dont make concrete efforts to do something about it because at the end of the day, im ok with the way things are.

this is what i dont like. im too...laid back. i took timon and pumba's hakuna matata philosophy too seriously. my life is like, no matter what happens, i respond with "meh. no worries". stress free. now who wouldnt want that? problem is, with this kind of attitude, im bound to go nowhere. its like waiting for something happen. good things come to those who wait. but those are what's left by those who hustle. those who hustle get the best and good ones in life. crap. i dont want leftovers.

a few weeks ago, i tried hustling to get things i want. though i dont want it that bad, i hustled for it anyway and i got them. but since i dont want it that bad, my satisfaction for acquiring it isnt great. so what's bothering me isnt the fact that i dont hustle. because i know how to hustle for things. its just that i usually dont. what's really bothering me is my lack of intense desire for things. ive been criticized that i lack ambition. i didnt want to go to college but my parents scolded me that it was a stupid thing to say, and they probably thought i was joking. so i took them college entrance exams just to get it over with. i finished college. but then, i dont feel like working yet and i wanted to study some more. so i took up law because it seemed interesting. i was surprised during my third year in law school that i might actually finish my law studies. so i thought, "damn it. time to get serious". that only lasted for a couple of semesters. i finished law school and it was time to take the bar exams. i thought, "to minimize the pressure, im going to pass it on my second take. i dont feel like squeezing my brains out". i passed the bar exams on my first take. wow. im a lawyer. i started working in a law office one week after the bar exams, even before passing the bar and my daily attire, if i dont have court hearings is a pair of jeans, a collared shirt and high cut chucks. i hardly look like them lawyers on tv. im that carefree guy who just kept moving, who projects an aura of seriousness, depth and gentleness. i think.

how the hell did i make it this far? i look at other people hustling for the position im in and here i am, not much care in the world. sometimes i wonder what the hell am i supposed to do? why cant i just have a simple life? or a life where i travel a lot and not in some office room. if my 10 year old self will see me, he would probably be disappointed. i always answered in "what i would like to be" questions is that i want to job involving exposure to the great outdoors. or inside a laboratory like a scientist with some field research. why dont i hustle for such kind of work? dont i want it that bad? maybe ive given up on such kind of childhood dreams. the fact things arent that bad makes me stuck in this somewhat awful rut. so i said to myself, "maybe its time to shake things a bit". question is "how?" maybe i will get an answer the next time i ask myself questions while walking inside the mall.

that Hoy hoy Buloy band

havent listened to this band for quite some time. i remember hearing them on NU 107 back in the late 90s. when i tried encouraging my high school friend, and fellow Ehead fan, to listen to them, he found them corny and with no future. meh. i like their sense of humor. and their song lyrics are nice.

creepy tall guy

last thursday, i had a hearing in QC. when i was about to leave to Hall of Justice, about to step out at the exit, i noticed a lady lawyer at the guard station, having her bag inspected. we were at the main entrance. now, the hall of justice QC has side exits in addition to the exit at the main entrance area. in order to go back to the law office, i will have to pass by these side exits. actually, i could pass through the side exit but i felt like walking a bit so i used the main exit. anyway, as i was about to pass by the side exit, i noticed the lady lawyer i just saw at the main entrance using the side exit. i thought, "hmmm. interesting. why would she want to be dropped off at the main entrance only to exit at the side of the building? she just gave the impression she entered the building to attend a hearing but in fact...is she hiding something? so i followed her. yup. creepy tall guy mode. from the side exit, she went to the assessor's office area. i thought "is she going to secretly meet someone?" she just kept walking and i followed her from a distance. long story short. she ended going to the post office. damn it! she's just going to file a pleading and she must have forgotten she needs to furnish the other party a copy first. nothing interesting there. this just goes to show that when im bored, im bored.

another creepy tall guy incident happened a while ago. i went to this nearby burger joint and their waitress was pretty. i noticed she has no ring on her finger yet so i thought she's probably available. so in less than an hour of being in the establishment and a little observation here and there, i managed to get her full name without asking for it. people should be very careful with their private information. i dont think she has an ID or nametag but i still managed to get her full name even if the receipt only provides her first name. how? im good with research. the creepy part is, i managed to see her facebook profile and learned she already has a family, a baby thats less than a half a year old and some other personal information

thing is, im not even a pro in getting these kind of information. i just do it out of boredom, while waiting for a food order or while im walking back to the office just to amuse myself with what information i can gather. you never know what you might stumble upon. what more if the person is an intelligence operative or a stalker? come to think of it, ive been reckless with my personal information lately.

the more you know, the more you dont know

this is something my science teacher said when i was a freshman in high school. my classmates laughed at the thought. i was fascinated by it. now, it annoys me.

its 1am and i cant sleep. normally, im already fast asleep by this time. and i cant sleep because of the questions running in my head. a thought has been bothering me lately and somehow, the quote from Klaus (HIMYM S08E01) is somewhat relevant:

“There is a word in German: Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. And the closest translation would be…'Lifelong Treasure of Destiny.' And Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. She is my Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand, you know? It means…'the thing that is almost the thing that you want…but it’s not quite.' Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously.It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm…filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body…in your hands…in your heart…in your stomach…in your skin…Have you ever felt this way about someone? If you have to think about it, you have not felt it. Everyone [finds it] eventually. You just never know when or where." - Klaus

so my question is...or my questions are: if Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand is the thing that is almost the thing you want but not quite, does it mean that Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is the perfect person for you? does everyone really find it eventually? what is instantaneous?

back in July 2008, i wrote a blog entry i entitled "the power of love" wherein i wrote that love, in its true form, is reserved for those who deserve it. therefore my position is, not everyone finds true love, simply because they're not prepared to have it or not fully capable to give it. maybe some feel it or experience it in such a fleeting manner that its gone before one realizes what he or she had. at least they experienced it. probably most of us will be lucky to have it within our respective lifetime but i think there are those unfortunate ones who die without even seeing a glimpse of it. they either look for it in the wrong places or they're too focused on the wrong person that they dont realize that all they had to do was turn around and see that true love was behind them all along. some are impatient that they fail to wait for that one person that's perfect for them. some are just plain stubborn or helplessly scared of experiencing something as real as true love. true love is one of life's greatest opportunity and its something that's easy to miss if youre not prepared to catch it. but if life sees you deserve it, life will equip you with what you need in order to recognize it, it would be the only thing you will see because youre ready to see it. my point is, true love is an elusive creature of mythical proportions that it wont simply walk into the door of each and every person, regardless whether they deserve to experience it or not. life reserves true love for everyone to experience but our journey through life will determine if we will be able to access this reserved opporunity.

love is a very personal experience and its not something that can be taught or learned. well, learned in an academic way, like searching the internet for tips and tricks. there's no hard and fast rule when it comes to love. each person experiences it differently, each person acquires it in their own peculiar or fascinating way. yet despite the experience of true love being unique in each and every person, it still doesnt change the fact that it is unique for everyone, thus there's a common denominator to it in order for the love a person has to be considered as true love. in my opinion, its being able to be selfish and selfless at the same time. selfish in a sense you love someone for it makes you happy and satisfied and you find comfort and happiness in knowing that the person you love is happy. selfless in a sense that youre willing to endure the greatest pain just to make the person you love happy or be in the best possible terms that you could do or give. simply put, its a love that is unconditional, like the way a parent's love should be. a love that doesnt break with each heartache. a love that grows strong every time its tested. a love that truly binds but does not smother or strangle its recipients.

but what's keeping me awake on this particular night isnt what i just discussed. its the question whether ive come across it. have i seen this elusive creature? have i felt it? i wish my answer is a definite "yes" or "no". if i were to believe Klaus, that it happens instantaneously, what the fuck does he mean by instantaneously? does he mean love at first sight? or does he mean that you suddenly see that you love this person? its possible that you suddenly find out you have feelings for someone you've known for quite sometime but you just failed to recognize it because your mind is a twisted fuck who refused to acknowledge it when you suddenly felt something for that person. so it doesnt mean it developed over time. well, actually, it sort of does. it also doesnt prevent the possibility that its a "love at first sight" sort of thing especially when it was the first time you saw the person in such light. that mid-afternoon sun is the culprit. sigh. i think im just trying to escape the possibility of "love at first sight" since its really irrational to suddenly like someone so much at the very first instance you saw the person. im not a believer of love at first sight. attraction yes. but love? i dont know. my mind is rejecting such possibility. its like im forcing myself to be confused about it or trying to convince myself that someone better will come along. i mean, it just cant be. there's got to be someone better. its stupid to like someone with so little information. im trying to think about it but i cant. its like reaching a dead end every time i try to analyze it. also, its almost 2am. it means my brain cells are already dead tired and craving sleep. i wish i can sleep now, now that ive unloaded these thoughts.

sing, until your lungs give out

ive been singing a lot lately. i sing in the morning when im getting ready for work. i sing in the evening while im checking my emails and browsing stuff on the internet. i sing during idle moments like sitting on a bench, waiting for something.

this started when i changed my state of mind (mid-september, almost three weeks ago). when i managed to put my positive self on the "driver's seat". so my negative self is just on the back seat, probably sulking. anyway, i think the reason for singing a lot isnt really because of the positive mood. but more of a manifestation of my talkative self. since i have no one to talk to, might as well just sing. instead of feeling frustrated that everyone's busy with their lives and no time to just sit and talk a while, might as well sing. since no one has enough energy to talk to me for hours on a daily basis and since no one has the same free time as i do, might as well sing. so singing is just a way to keep my sanity? actually, im insanely sane for a person of my personality. so its not a matter of keeping my sanity but more of not giving my negative self enough fuel to take back the driver's seat. i have reasons for bringing out this side of me at this moment in time and until i have done what i intend to do, negative self better stay put at the backseat.

this used to be the pensieve format

ive been roaming a lot lately. up and about but not yet bouncing off the walls. like this past week for example

last friday, i had a court hearing in the morning. i thought the pre-trial was going to push through but for the nth time, it didnt because the oppposing party filed a motion, which hasnt reached me because of the incredible pace of registered mail. so naturally, i asked for time to comment on such motion. right after the hearing, i headed to camp karingal to look for a detainee. i thought the camp was located near camp crame and camp aguinaldo. so after asking the police officer who happened to be at the Annapolis MRT station to go somewhere, i learned that the camp was located at Sikatuna and was just 15 minutes away from my law office.

i spent a couple of hours in camp karingal talking to the detainee, then off i went to the Securities and Exchange Commission only to be told its too late for me to check the case file so i just scheduled an appointment. since i was tired and sweaty since ive been to a lot of places already and the day was just about half over, i decided to look for a spa with body massage. checked megamall (the price was too high), shang ri la, greenhills and then back to megamall only to come back to the first spa i went to and found out they have a promo where i can get a much cheaper back massage with a n% discount (cant remember how much). then after the massage, had videoke with a couple of college friends until more or less 2am

the following day, had a lunch meeting with a high school friend. then went to cubao for dinner with my family since it was my father's birthday. then after the dinner, went to UP Ayala Technohub to check out the food there.

the following day, i was planning to watch a movie but since i was still feeling tired with what i did last friday and saturday, i decided to just sleep a bit more only to be told to go to my cousin's new restaurant for its opening. there i ate to my heart's content because most of the food i ate were free (as lawyer's fee for the camp karingal thing).

then monday, after finishing some legal research, im back to the Securities and Exchange Commission. ate some korean food then went to the spa i just went to last friday.

on tuesday, i watched Resident Evil on Imax. alone. because my movie buddy, the girl i used to date, is no longer talking to me. and i really liked this installment of Resident Evil because of Ada Wong. now im interested in buying the Resident Evil PS3 game. i want to see more Ada Wong.

then yesterday, i was at the NCMH for an exam, then went to megamall, then trinoma, then sm north, then back to my bed at home because i was really sleepy because i woke up at 4am.

and now thursday, i was planning to either jog or see a movie. that didnt happen. the rainy weather made me want to just stay at home and enjoy the cold air.

the thing is, with what im currently doing, it really makes me feel that the world is too slow for me. if some people can keep up, then well and good. if not, then...i will try to reach back and pull them with me. my previous attitude was, just leave them behind. now, im just going to drag them along if they can keep up with the ride. i dont know. right now, im not trying to think about things too much. if i notice im starting to give something too much thought, i drop the deep thought and act instead. my gut feel is always correct but it rarely kicks in. im training myself to bring out my gut feel more often. and im digressing

Nooooo!!! why S8E02!? why!?

why kill the character in HIMYM that i really like! damn it!!!!

well, not literally dead. its just, why cant she stay for at least half a season longer? or maybe the character isnt dead yet. maybe she's still going to remain as a "non-romantic partner" member of the cast? unlikely. but im hoping. maybe ive grown attached to the character because she reminds me of someone. maybe its a good thing the character is gone? i dont know. i just really liked her character. i think.

im no longer excited to watch episode 3. sigh.

cyber say what now?

so netizens are protesting the cyber crime law. i dont think we can blame most of the senators who signed it for such blunder (meaning there's a couple or maybe a single senator that can be held accountable for it). i mean, when you review a bill, its not as simple as just reading it (and im going to assume that our legislators involved in it had no ulterior motives in its passage). without going into the behind the scenes part, sometimes you ask the authors why the bill needs to be passed and by the time they read it, some of their minds have been conditioned the same way a salesperson conditions the mind of a buyer. you tend to miss some details, details that the salesperson wants the buyer not to notice. im not trying to protect the lapse made by the senators, im just saying we dont live in an ideal world and its not as simple as most people think. and this is already a very simplified version on how a draft bill is considered and reviewed in an ideally realistic setting.

im against the cyber crime law for the simple reason that it is prone to abuse and gives the unconstitutional license to abridge freedom of expression and free speech (so the law itself isnt as bad as it looks, if the State wont abuse its provisions. but like im going to discuss, its very unlikely that the law wont be abused). i think this is what the senators missed. we dont live in an ideal world. much as they want to "regulate", if not "supress" abusive use of the freedom of expression (like any freedom given by the Constitution, there's a limitation), the law, unfortunately, makes it possible for the "regulator" or the State to abuse the law as well. herein lies my problem with it. as Friedrich Engels said "some laws of state aimed at curbing crime are more criminal". if only there's an assurance that the law wont be abused, the law itself can achieve its ends without trampling on the citizens' constitutionally given freedoms. unfortunately, with the current state of the law, the government cannot give such assurance. sure no law is perfect, but not because no law is perfect means we arent going to strive to make it better. thats why amendments can be made. to make it adapt to the changing socio-political and economic environment. i think what pissed off the netizens is that this law is so imperfect that obvious amendments could have been done before its passage.

in a completely unrelated note, one senator is saying that the provisions on libel is needed because of the abusive conduct of netizens. im sorry but ive been receiving such "abusive conduct" since grade school from my grade school teachers during class, with manifest malicious intent, yet that didnt bother me for the simple reason that im not insecure or gosh darn sensitive. ive been called names, insulted without much provocation and all i did was prove them wrong. i didnt cry about it. i didnt whine about it. i didnt ask anyone to shut them people up. why? because i was mature enough, at the age of 9, to handle criticism, whether baseless or not. you make your own reputation. other people wont be able to tarnish your reputation if you are a well-respected person. people will defend you, will act on your behalf, if you are a person worth protecting. now, if you cant handle people calling you names, you must really think of yourself as someone so high and mighty with a god-complex. you dont demand respect. you earn it.

holy crap! what does it mean!?

im still haunted by the two digit number 59. is it psychological? i dont think so. there came a time (maybe a week or two) that i didnt see or notice the number. but since last week, ive been encountering it frequently. again!

its on my stored value MRT ticket (balance: P59.00). its on the digital clock when i check the time (the time is 9:59). its on my receipt (your change is P20.59). its my order number (your order will be given in 10 minutes sir, here's your queue number: 59). so is it like jim carrey's film the number 23? i better check my fantasy basketball roster and see if i drafted a player with a 59 jersey. maybe he's going to be my lucky player. i cant really see any reason why i keep noticing the number 59. certainly, it cant correspond to number of days or months since there's no starting day or month to peg on. i cant recall when i started to feel i was being haunted by this number. i certainly hope it does not correspond to the age of the woman im going to like. thats just...unimaginable. age of my death? it doesnt make sense to be aware of it now. is it really just meaningless? the universe's way of playing a joke? well, i can see the humor in it. or is it a sign like the little black dress? or is the little black dress a joke too? meh. in any case, im going to shrug it off since its really vague. this is just a note to self

Finally!

HIMYM Season 8!

Episode Quote:

Klaus:	Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. She’s my beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand…it means the thing that is almost the thing that you want, but it’s not quite. That is Victoria to me.
Ted:	How do you know she’s not lebenslangerschicksalsschatz? Maybe as the years go by she’ll get lebenslangerschicksalsschatz…ier?
Klaus:	lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously. It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin…have you ever felt this way about someone?
Ted:	…I think so.
Klaus:	If you have to think about it, you have not felt it.
Ted:	And you’re absolutely sure you’ll find that someday?
Klaus:	Of course. Everyone does eventually…you just never know when or where.

Source: http://how-i-met-your-mother.wikia.com/wiki/Farhampton

Kim Hyoyeon

sort of hit the spot. sort of.

its 1am and im having trouble sleeping. so what do i do? go to facebook. then a pop message appeared at the corner of my screen and its says "God wants You to know". and here is what God wants me to know, according to the pop-up message: 

"On this day of your life, Tristofer, we believe God wants you to know ... that every time you pretend to love, you impoverish yourself more and more.

Love has great potential to enrich your life. But if you are just playing a role, pretending to love, it's only going to poison you. Because you are teaching yourself that it's just a game, and slowly but surely you will lose the capacity to open in love."

i dont normally read this "God wants You to know" pop-up but since its 1am and im trying to make myself sleepy, i gave it a try. 

i would like to react on the message but since im starting to feel drowsy, i better take advantage of it before it goes away. i really need to go to sleep since i have an early appointment with a client. 

still a Sone

before Psy's Gangnam Style, there was...Carly Rae's Call Me Maybe. since i learned about this song when people already heard too much of it, im not sick and tired of it...yet.

i remember my siblings asking me if ive heard this song and they were surprised when i said i have no clue what the crap they were talking about. whats more surprising is the fact i havent seen its full music video. ive seen parts of it but i havent really watched it completely. the music video doesnt appeal to me. thankfully (or maybe not) someone made a video of visually pleasing entities and added Jepsen's annoyingly addictive song.

actually, im just trying to come up with something or write anything that would allow me to post the video. 

Phase 2 is now in effect

ive been testing theories about myself for months (just being the usually self-centered me). its part of the project called "merging personalities". not that i actually have multiple personalities but i adjust my self to whomever im facing. thats why im such an inconsistent person. or appear to be. ive been trying to pin point parts of those different "personalities" which are worth keeping, and discarding those traits that are...counter productive (or to put it in ordinary terms, determining one's strengths and weaknesses and addressing the weaknesses by getting rid of it). so merging these traits is like creating a stronger, better, faster, harder...me (or again, in simple terms, self-improvement). as if my ego isnt big enough, i had to fortify it with this to make it grow as large as jupiter...but this time i will inject myself with a dose of humility to make thy ego look like the size of what used to be a planet called pluto, or maybe much smaller...like the moon (still big. damn it ego! shrink down!)

i think im done with the theory testing stage. ive confirmed some, debunked some. ive mapped out potentially effective approaches and outlined a mode of action. the difficult part is the timetable. i thought the theory testing will last for a few more months but it seems ive ran out of theories to test. i think its time for phase 2. all systems go!

am i happier or am i happier?

i think i am. im 60% happy. this is an improvement because im usually 50-50 or less, even 30% even. that was my normal state of mind (and i miss it). not depressed. im just naturally not a happy person ever since i changed to my current self way back in high school. and this is a big deal for everyone except me.

the reason i said i think im happier now is because im less cranky most of the time. i think i dont wear my scowl anymore. i would say im 70% happy when i can readily smile with ease, meaning i dont have to think about smiling or having a conscious effort to smile. at 60%, i only have that semi-forced smile. its not like im forcing myself to smile but since its not my natural tendency to do it, i cant express my smile automatically (so im happy inside but i dont naturally express it). i have to consciously switch it on, like "oh, this is where a smile is appropriate". this means my positive emotional level has not reached the point where i can make my smile operate on auto-pilot. for me 80% happy is when i laugh a lot. really laugh. 90% happy is when im extremely excited about something that my body language shows it. i get this with stuff or people i really like. 100% is that point above 90%. i think i have more room for happiness above 90% so thats why there's a 100%. maybe thats when the elusive creature called love hits me with a delightfully soft pillow containing a handful of bricks. thats got to be it. 100% happy is when you have both pain and pleasure and still sincerely smile because you really are happy.

the only thing in sight is what I must do

i believe ive reached the point where i dont think in my work anymore. lawyering should be like rallying an army of brain cells to get the job done. i mean, the reason i took up law is for the intellectual stimulation. now, i just use a handful of brain cells who cares to volunteer to think about the legal problem.

not that i mastered law itself. far from it. very far from it. i rarely master anything. its just my mind would rather be busy with non-legal matters and lawyering has reached a routinary point. like there's a template i can refer to with the kind of legal problems that i encounter. gone are the peculiar cases i got when i was still in the UP Office of Legal Aid (or my initial months in law practice). The cases assigned to me then made people wonder how in whose whatever's name such a case was accepted and why am i the one handling it. that is why a law blockmate joked, the reason it was assigned to me is because its challenging. i couldnt be given anything less. it was dubbed as the curious cases of tristofer troisvallees. my baseless reputation of being some genius precedes me.

i dont know. the older i get, the more i develop an aversion for intellectual stimulation (the same way i developed an aversion for beer and coffee). like, its overrated, its tiring and not worth it. i should spend my time in stuff i enjoy. problem is, what do i enjoy? thinking! well, i used to enjoy it. now, i just want my mind to be blank and be an airhead. sometimes i do feel envious of dumbasses.

this is the problem with merging personalities. i have to face personalities which directly contradicts the dominant personality and try to figure out how to assimilate it. sometimes i wonder whether im doing the right thing. but i already told myself months ago that when i pose such question before me, i should get rid of the doubt and answer "yes!" this has to be done. i think this wanna-be-airhead part of me is the side of me that hated my guts for growing up too fast, for taking life seriously at an early age. the one that asked why do i have to aim for superiority over ordinary people? why cant i let myself enjoy life the way it wanted me to? well, what can i say, idiots really pissed me off when i was in high school and i didnt want to be one of them.

going back to normal in 3,2,1...

i think my usual life has returned. i mean, august was...tolerable but a pain in the ass nonetheless. last august was much better than the previous ones (i wasnt as "unlucky" compared to the augusts of previous years) but maybe because it brought something tragic. my grandmother died last month and it really took me out of my daily routine.

my grandmother has been confined in a couple of hospitals for more than month before she died mid-august. i visited her...i think often enough. i saw her health deteriorate as weeks passed by. well there were times when she got better, then there were just days where her health just abruptly turned for the worse. so when the news came that she passed away, i was half-expecting it already. i mean, she died on a monday morning. i visited her two days before, or saturday afternoon to be exact and her condition then was the worst ive seen since i started visiting her. the next time i saw her, sunday night, she was already in a coma after being revived from a cardiac arrest.

im not close to my grandparents. my grandparents from my paternal side died when i was still in grade school. my maternal grandfather was an "absentee grandfather" and only returned when he was already very ill. he was probably clueless who the hell i was. my maternal grandmother, the only grandparent i really knew, was ok. we rarely talked. i dont know. i just didnt grow close to her and it made me feel like i grew up with no grandparents. only when i was asked to speak during her wake that i realized its not entirely true, i mean, feeling that i grew up with no grandparent.

i acknowledged my maternal grandmother as the head of the clan and in a way, she's the tie that binds all of us in our family. as i said in her wake, my grandmother is prone to favoritism and i am not one of her favorites. she has tendency to love the people around her in unequal amounts but that doesnt change the fact the she loves all of us. i may not be one of those who receives a lot of love from her but i cant deny the fact that she tried to express her love for me, in her own simple ways, no matter how little compared to my other cousins, just to make me feel that she does love me. to receive love from someone who underwent the kind of pain and suffering she experienced is something that should be appreciated for its comes from a person with such a big heart. to ask for more is to ask her to be perfect, which is unreasonable for my part since she has done so much when ive done so little or nothing at all for her. 

anyway, now she is resting in peace with the man she fell in love with and truly cared about. i honestly think she is in a much better place. and i am surprised that despite our very minimal interactions, i am going to miss her

this song will never be the same again...

well, maybe a little tainted. this song will now remind me of that night...i was asked to stay until 2:30am (which i did) despite the fact i have a court hearing/pretrial in a civil case hours later, which i have not adequately prepared for. so the opposing counsel was able to take advantage of the fact that my brain cells werent working that morning. and i risked my client's case for what? well, at that moment, it looked like she was worth it. seriously, its like one bad decision after another. i really gots to get rid of my pair of bad decision jeans.

anyway, i remember hearing this song way back when i was a little kid during the wonderful decade called the 80s. i associate this song with the 1986 movie "The Fly". of course, my memory may not be accurate but from what i remember...i was watching TV, sitting on the floor, channel 9, then there was this commercial about a film starring Jeff Goldblum which has some monster in it, with some night scenes of the 80s, and the background music was Roxette's Dangerous. this memory flashes in my head everytime i hear the song. i also remember the time i lost in a spelling bee when i was in Grade 1 because i forgot to write the letter "o" when i was spelling the word "dangerous".

im in the mood to be stubborn and hard to convince

i was supposed to have a court hearing today. but even before i put on my barong, i already read a tweet saying that the supreme court suspended work in metro manila courts. i was waiting for the announcement last night because i thought, even if it stopped raining, most likely, there are court personnel, clients and witnesses who might be in evacuation centers or badly hit by the "horrible" weather yesterday or wont be able to make it due to the flooded roads. the court hearings will be plagued by resettings. also, judges and lawyers are humans too with families of their own. the justice system in metro manila will have to adjust to the fortuitous event that occurred yesterday. but then again, the suspension might be for another purpose. im digressing.

despite the tweet stating that work in metro manila courts have been suspended, being the skeptic that i am, i tried to verify the truthfulness of the tweet by trying to trace its origin (like when i saw a photo of Girls' Generation's Sooyoung wearing a "I Heart Philippines" shirt. the photo really looked legit but i thought it had to be a fake. sure, she's been here in the Philippines so there is a possbility she bought a souvenir shirt but i dont think its something that she will wear as "airport fashion" and i dont recall any of them wearing souvenir shirts in the places theyve been to. in the end, it was really a fake photo). i couldnt trace the origin or the source of the information of the tweet so i had doubts whether its really true. irresponsible tweets plague twitter so i tried checking the supreme court website. no announcement. i checked twitter again, GMA news tweeted it. still, i doubted it since i want to see an article about it and not just a tweet saying according to so and so. checked Inquirer.net. theres an article saying that there is in fact a suspension but when i clicked the link, there's no article. crap. im not satisfied with just an article title, even if its from an online newspaper. just when i was about to wear my barong, i received a text message from our law office that the supreme court suspended work in the metro manila courts. still, im not 100% convinced. i wore my barong and went to the Hall of Justice, only to be told by the guard that the supreme court suspended work for today. only then did i text my client that we wont be having a hearing today.   

its better to be safe than sorry. in case the tweet wasnt true, it will be difficult to explain to the judge that the reason my client and i didnt attend today's hearing because i read a tweet saying that according to the supreme court spokesperson, the work in metro manila courts were suspended on 08 August 2012. the pretty judge in the court im supposed to be at would just say "really counsel? you expect me to accept such an explanation?"

damn it august! what are you up to?

unprecedented rain fell yesterday. while this is unfortunate for more or less thousands of citizens, probably even a million, this is, sadly, fortunate for me. i mean, fortunate in sense because i like rain. well, close to loving it actually. the cold weather yesterday was wonderful. not perfect to force me to use a blanket when i sleep, but enough to be wonderful. all i really want is cold weather.

last weekend, i taunted the heavens, as i was rushing home from a quick purchase at CDR King. since it didnt rain during the time i was outside, i looked up at the dark, cloudy, evening sky and said "rain, lets dance". 24 hours later, it was raining non-stop. as usual, i was inside my home.

the following day, i was supposed to go to the office despite the news of countless miserable citizens who fell victim to the merciless continouous rain. as i was about to put on my pants, i received a text message telling me that there's no work for the day due to bad weather. i still wanted to go outside since its the perfect weather for hot chocolate but laziness got to me and decided to just lay in bed, sleep and savor the cold weather. so i wasnt affected by the floods or got soaked in the torrential rain. i procrastinated for another day instead of finishing the pleading i need to finish before friday. i really didnt want to ruin the nice weather with work.

the day after, today, it was still raining when i woke up. but when i stepped outside, the rain turned into a light harmless drizzle. by the time i reached the office, it was barely raining and the sun was peeking through the clouds. the same thing happened when i went out for lunch. it didnt rain the whole time i was out for lunch. it rained again when i was back inside my office room.

at least when i was heading home, with my laptop in my bag, hanging on my left shoulder, holding a mcdonalds hot chocolate with my left hand and an umbrella on my right hand, i got soaked from the knee down because finally, my beloved rain got to me. my chucks squeaked as i walked and i could feel my soggy socks. sadly, i can hardly call it a dance. maybe another day.

i would say the circumstances remain favorable to me. august, youre acting weird. it appears my luck is still with me and i have not been reduced to a mere average mortal. its not making me paranoid. not yet. but now that i have written this, august would probably come at me with its teeth bared, wearing a malevolent grin.

occasional hodgepodge of the scrambled mind

i have a pleading due by monday which i need to finish before friday because i need to have it signed by around 24 clients on saturday. i dont want to ruin this nice night with work. i really should stop being lazy.

while listening to FOB, on this very rainy night, i was reminded of my YM picture back in 2010 (i checked my YM message archive to verify the time i used this YM picture since someone made a comment about it). i havent used YM for quite some time now and after going online for just a few seconds, seeing a few friends online, im still not in the mood to use it. maybe by the end of the year. i dunnow

anyway, i ended up listening to two FOB albums. i really like the way they give titles to their songs. reminds me of how i used to think of my email subjects. and to a certain extent, blog titles.

i wish its september 24 already. i want to watch a TV series.

a just read a tweet that said "happy people listen to music while sad people listen to the lyrics". i was listening to the music then i took notice of the lyrics. i guess that's when the YM picture entered the...picture.


**** *********
"Oh baby, you're a classic like a little black dress. You're a faded moon stuck on a little hot mess"

"I don't just want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness."

"I wanna scream, "I love you," from the top of my lungs but I'm afraid that someone else will hear me."

"So boycott love. Detox just to retox. And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life"

"We had a good run; even I have to admit. Life's just a pace-call on death. Only less diligent. Hell or Glory, I don't want anything in between"

"Blame everyone but me for this mess and my back has been breaking from this heavy heart. We never seemed so far. I'm hopelessly hopeful, that you're just hopeless enough. But we never had it at all"

**** ********* 

***** ********* ********
"It's just past eight, and I'm feeling young and reckless."

"You're just the girl all the boys want to dance with and I'm just the boy who's had too many chances
I don't blame you for being you but you can't blame me for hating it. So say, what are you waiting for? Kiss her, kiss her I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late. Write me off, give up on me, cause darling, what did you expect. I'm just off a lost cause, a long shot, don't even take this bet"

"Oh baby, when they made me, they broke the mold. Girls used to follow me around, then I got cold"

"You only hold me up like this. Cause you don't know who I really am. I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive. Now I only waste it dreaming of you"

"What makes you so special? I'm gonna leave you, I'm gonna teach you. How we're all alone"

"Am I more than you bargained for yet? I've been dyin' to tell you anything you want to hear 'Cause that's just who I am this week"

"Cause I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it"

"I must confess, I'm in love with my own sins."

"I keep my jealousy close, 'cause it's all mine. and if you say this makes you happy, then I'm not the only one lying."

"Keep quiet,nothing comes as easy as you. Can I lay in your bed all day? I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake."

"I keep telling myself I'm not the desperate type but you've got me looking in through blinds"

"I found the cure to growing older and you're the only place that feels like home. Just so you know, you'll never know and some secrets weren't meant to be told."

"I don't care what you think as long as it's about me. The best of us can find happiness in misery."

*************************

- lyrics from various songs from FOB's  From Under the Cork Tree and Folie à Deux albums

YM picture came from Green Day's 21st Century Breakdown album

its the most...worrisome time of the year

i should be on full alert for the next 25 days. so far, august has been bearable. just a little minor glitches here and there. what's been confusing me is that my rain repellant self is still active. whenever i go outside, the rain stops. when im safe indoors, the heavy rain suddenly pours.

for example, a few days ago, after visiting our grandmother in the hospital, my brother and i decided to stop by mcdonalds to get some twister fries. i joked that i didnt need an umbrella because it wont rain if im exposed to it. there's some considerable distance between our house and the nearest mcdonalds and its been raining for more than a week. true enough, it didnt rain until we got home. had the rain decided to drop five minutes earlier, i would have been soaking wet.

same thing happened last night. i was rushing to go to CD R King Eton Centris because it was near closing time. through out my commute, it didnt rain until i was indoors. thats why my umbrella was very much useless yesterday.

im not quite lucky today. i had to use the umbrella. but the strong rain didnt pour until i got home. normally, if august was feeling like its usual self, i would be soaking wet from the rain or some puddle due to a speeding vehicle.

although im still lucky with the weather, which makes it easy for me to enjoy the cold air, i was unlucky with the mcdonalds cashier. it really ruined the twister fries experience. mcdonalds crew Mae of Mcdonald's matalino charged me an additional P16 or something because she didnt hear my order correctly. instead of giving me the twister fries and float meal, she thought i just ordered twister fries. when i pointed out her mistake, she just added the coke floats instead of correcting the order. thats why my order ended up with an additional P16. normally i wouldnt mind the few extra pesos but i was also buying twister fries for my parents and my sister. she did the same thing to the other customers ahead me (i mean, she also got their orders wrong). i was tempted to email a complaint but i thought, she might be overworked or distracted. everyone needs a break. especially if its august.

am in a horror movie?

woke up this morning only to be told to check the circuit breaker because our dining room and my brother's bedroom had some short circuit earlier this morning. so i checked the fuse box, fiddled with the switches and poof! the electricity in our dining room and my brother's bedroom is back. but ever since then, ive been hearing some scratching/electric surge kind of noise (when i switched off the TV, when im near the kitchen sink, while i was passing by our office window). then i thought, "its august. anything that could wrong could possibly go wrong. i am stripped of my powers of luck."

well, last night, i was still lucky. i was asked to buy some cough medicine at a nearby drugstore. while i was heading home, the moment i stepped inside our garage, heavy rain suddenly poured. now, from our garage, there is still an open space before i reach our building. the rain stopped exactly when i was walking on that open space. the sudden heavy downpour continued the moment i stepped in the covered area of our building. this is something that usually happens to me and thats how i manage not getting wet even if i dont use an umbrella. the rain "magically" stops when im outside (not 100% of the time of course but maybe half of the time). i thought i still have some luck left. unfortunately, that might be the last one until it returns on september.

going back to the electric surge kind of noise, my laptop sort of went haywire earlier this morning too. the power indicator suddenly blinked. thats weird. its not supposed to blink unless the laptop is in sleep mode. i dont use  sleep mode. then the battery indicator suddenly went off. thats weirder since my laptop is plugged in. i checked the outlet and there's electricity. maybe the indicators are just acting up? then the laptop monitor went dim. it meant that its in power saving mode. again, it cant go to power saving mode since its plugged in and the power saving mode is disabled. i quickly switched the laptop off since it looks like its losing power even if its plugged in. when i used it again in the office, its working A-Ok again.

its raining, there's the howling wind and i ocassionally hear an electric surge/scratching noise when im alone. did i just go crazy? is this like a warning that i should be mindful of electricity? that a misfortune that's electricity related might happen? final destination freak accident kind of thing? i'll just listen to f(x)'s electric shock.

Wish I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't

just do it, nike said. so i did. when in doubt, just do it (when it should be dont). so i kept...just doing it. well, i ended finding myself in tricky and sticky situations. i gave myself "ghosts" that will continue to haunt me. i dug myself holes with depths that amazes me. all for the sake of beating the boredom? sometimes. sometimes i just roll the dice and couldnt care less where it takes me. im too old for this shit. im no longer young to set the world on fire and burn brighter than the sun.

there are moments when i wonder how the hell did i end up as a lawyer? well, a friend also asks that same question, sort of. he wonders how people could entrust their legal woes, and to a certain extent their lives, to a man such as he. as for me? the way i see it, i just kept picking up the shot glasses served before me, drinking it up and rolling the dice and the next thing i know, im done with law school, im done with the bar exams and now im a lawyer, inching towards my second year of law practice.

i dont mean i partied a lot when i said shot glasses. im a homebody. i meant, i just kept mindlessly doing things regardless of the consequences just because its seemed like a good idea at that moment. or just do reckless and immature things just to let the time pass by, not really mindful of the future, thinking im going to drop dead soon enough. well, im still alive and sort of kicking. im afraid i will have to face the reality that i might live beyond 30. that sucks. aside from getting old, its difficult to answer im thirty something when im asked about my age without feeling like a dinosaur. i already feel old when i hear the song Dangerous by Roxette because i remember listening to it when i was in grade school.

its hard to believe that i dont think of my future when im that guy who always has a plan. do i really look like a guy with a plan? sure i plan a lot. i think of the future a lot but my actions contradict those thoughts. i think i just plan to exercise them brain cells and to at least give me some comfort that im thinking about my future. but i rarely even go through with the plan. well, long term plans. its easy to comply with the short term ones that addresses the present situation. actually i plan a lot less now compared before. in the grand scheme of things...nah, the universe can just fuck off. just call me when you need me cosmic one. when you think there's the need to shake things a bit. ill be at the bar having a drink or in a restaurant savoring a meal or in a coffee shop sipping some tasty hot chocolate. sounds like a...not so bad plan. where at the end of the day, i just want to sit on a sturdy stool or comfy couch and let my mind wander aimlessly, not a care in the world, then sleep and then wake up in the morning and face a stress free work day. i just want a simple life. i wish i didnt. maybe i do. i dont know.

familiarity breeds contempt vs. stranger danger...isnt it just the same thing?

i just read my horoscope and it said i should know the person ive recently started to date very well before i get myself overly involved in the relationship. it said "VERY well". boom! wake up call in the form of a horoscope. i realized im already in too deep that i should wiggle my way out before i get too tangled in it. the pimple on my nose was already a warning sign.

if im no longer thinking straight, im treading dangerous waters and i could end up a victim of the game i thought i know how to play well. i dont even know how to play anything well. i just play and throw the dice and hope luck would save the day. since its august, holy crapshoot, im dead. i need...to get myself a hobby...maybe for just a month or two.

i think i'll just listen to another somewhat appropriate FOB song...

"I found the cure to growing older

And you're the only place that feels like home

Just so you know, you'll never know

And some secrets weren't meant to be told

But I found the cure to growing older

I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends

And I am sorry my conscience called in sick again

And I've got arrogance down to a science

Oh, and I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends

[Chorus: x2]

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's

So fitting, so fitting of the way you are

You can't cover it up

Can't cover it up

Find a safe place, brace yourself, bite your lips

I'm sending your fingernails and empty bottles you've sipped

Back to your family cause I know you will be missed

So you can find a safe place, brace yourself

They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone

But for what we've become, we just feel more alone

Always weigh what I've got against what I left

So progress report: I am missing you to death

[Chorus: x2]

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's

So fitting, so fitting of the way you are

You can't cover it up

Can't cover it up

Someone old

No one new

Feeling borrowed

Always blue

Someone old

No one new

Feeling borrowed

Always blue

Someone old

No one new

Feeling borrowed

Always blue

Someone old

No one new

Always borrowed

Always you

I found a cure to growing older

I found a cure to growing older

[Chorus: x2]

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's

So fitting, so fitting of the way you are

You can't cover it up

Can't cover it up"

Tiffany Hwang

its a sign

while i was writing one of the blog entries below in a internetless place, i happened to scratch my nose and i noticed that i have a pimple. not just an ordinary pimple. a big red juicy looking pimple. i quickly went to the bathroom to see it on the mirror and when i saw it i immediately thought "its a sign!".

i normally dont have big red juicy looking pimples on my nose unless i have strong feelings for someone. i first realized this coincidence back in 2009. back in 2009, i had a big red pimple just like the one i have now. i thought back then that the last time i had such a pimple was in 2006. it left a mark (actually these kind of pimples leave noticeable impressions of their two week stay and yup, it usually lasts for more or less two weeks). i remember when it manifested itself in 2006 because i was bothered going out on a date with such a big red pimple. then i started to notice the other pimple marks and i remember the one i had during the latter half of 2000. it was the first big red. then i noticed another pimple mark and i realized it was during the latter half of 2004. thats when i started to see the pattern. i get these eye magnet pimples every time i really like someone. when i say "really like", i mean those that make me entertain the thought of being in a serious relationship. the fact i have one now confirms that coincidence. or at least somehow convinces me that im developing serious feelings for someone i thought i was just fooling around with (cant believe i put that much trust on a pimple).

of all the possible manifestations, it just had to be a big, shiny, red pimple on my nose which leaves a mark after it goes away. a constant reminder of my strike outs. well, the first big red pimple isnt a strike out since i wasnt even able to initiate anything. she was gone even before i could do anything. as for my current pimple...it wont be a strike out since im still bound by my promise. unless i decide to be like peter parker in the recent spiderman movie where the best promises are the ones you cant keep. i should get a tattoo on my right hand which says "NO!!!" so whenever i have to urge to break my promise, all i have to do is look at my right palm and remind myself how painful it is to get the tattoo.

captains log, july twenty third, eight o five p.m.

im here in bicol for a hearing im attending tomorrow. since there is no internet connection where im staying, i would probably post this on the same date of my hearing, meaning the same date i come back home in QC. im only staying here for two days and a little over than 24 hours. got up around 3:30am so i could be at the airport by 4:30am for a 6:30am flight. on my first day here, i met some clients to ask for clarifications and have them check their affidavits (and sign the affidavits if its in accordance to what they stated). normally, its the clients that would visit me in the law office in QC but since im here in bicol already, might as well do as much to maximize the trip (aside from the fact our law firm partner instructed me to do so). on my second day, im attending a labor case. right after the labor case, im just going to have lunch, get my stuff then head to the airport.

the hours in between meeting clients and attending a hearing, i used to look at my "stuff to think about" folder. yup. i just made a folder called "stuff to think about" the night before i left for bicol and put files that i need to think about. i figured, i wont be spending an entire day reviewing the case file for my hearing so might as well get other things done. since its going to be quiet and peaceful being alone in a guest room, just like being holed up in a hotel during the bar exams, might as well do those stuff that needs a bit of contemplating or serious thought. and after getting some thinking done...which involves spending lots of money...im tempted to roll the dice yet again. God doesnt play dice. but i do. unfortunately, i do. like being in the heat of the moment then the realization there's no condom in my wallet and i ask "risk it?" and she answers quickly "risk it!!!". if im in the mood to be a jerk i would ask "are you sure?". she would say "yes! damn it". then i would take out a waiver form freeing me from any liability that may arise nine months after the incident (wow. i think this waiver is a nice idea. not as a binding agreement of course since its like courting disbarment but it would be nice to see the facial expression the form will induce). hmm. i think im good with this kind of gambling. i just hope i can make people give their consent and sign contracts this way. so you want to risk your half a million savings to a currently stable company in an unpredictable economy? wait...according to my "stuff to think about" folder, im the one being asked to risk it. sigh. most likely i will. life is a crapshoot.

i dont remember why i was at the mall last week

i was with my siblings at SM North last sunday and we ate at Bon Chon. first time i ate there, i really didnt get why people like the place so much. i didnt like the chicken. but my brother said he liked it so a few weeks later, i found myself trying it again. well, i wont say its good but close enough. its not as bad as the first time i tried it.

anyway, im writing this not because of the food but because of the service. we were there around noon so the place was crammed. there werent any seats available so there were some "vultures" roaming around looking for tables with its occupants finishing their meal. i hate being a "vulture". my mother always asks me to do that back when we always ate at food courts. while standing in line, she would tell me to try to snag a seat once a table becomes vacant. so, i would stand beside a table, watching those occupying it finish their food. i know it makes them uncomfortable because ive been at the receiving end several times but what can i do, were an overpopulated city and thats what we get when we dont control our population. comfort and convenience becomes a luxury the more populated we get (but then again, comfort and convenience are creatures of luxury, operating more within the zone of "wants" and not under "needs").

back to bon chon, since we were all hungry, i said since the line is long most likely by the time we get our orders taken, some seats would be vacant. the nice thing i liked about the service is that while we were standing in line, someone from bon chon asked if we have a table already. when we said we dont have one yet, the staff personally looked for a table for us. once she found a table for three, she reserved it. of course, everyone who was standing in line with no tables got the same treatment. there's no guarantee we will get a seat but the effort to give us seats by the time we get our orders taken is much appreciated. i hope other fast food restos adopt this kind of system.  

This seems appropriate at the moment

"Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "just friends". We're the kids who feel like dead ends. And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses. I took a shot and didn't even come close at trust and love and hope. And the poets are just kids who didn't make it, and never had it at all. And the record won't stop skipping. And the lies just won't stop slipping. And besides my reputation's on the line. We can fake it for the airwaves. Force our smiles, baby, half dead from comparing myself to everyone else around me. Please put the doctor on the phone 'cause I'm not making any sense. Blame everyone but me for this mess. And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart. We never seemed so far. I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough. But we never had it at all" - I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song); FOB

i dont know. this song just felt appropriate when i was listening to it earlier while walking inside the mall.

im on the brink of another financial crisis due to overspending and impulsive investments (and im contemplating spending even further once i get the phone call on wednesday. but its still manageable. will have to tap reserve funds). this is the kind of gambling i do. and i know that im not good with gambling. but no matter how much i lose, i never fall into debt. i can risk it all but i never risk more than what i have. and if i do risk it all, my disciplined self kicks in to get myself out of bankruptcy. sometimes i wonder if i purposely fall just to be able to summon my disciplined side which never gets tired of rising up again.

in addition to financial matters, im still drowning in a sea of work (still manageable) and despite having a lot of important matters to attend to, im trying to insert a relationship which i cant determine whether its serious or romantic or whatever it should be called. i underestimated myself yet again. im starting to see a 2-3 year cycle here. crap. my head hurts and sleep wont be able to make it go away.