death is a once in a lifetime experience

why are some people so afraid of death? i honestly dont get it. sure there's the fear of the unknown but there are just some people who are really afraid of death. they will cling on to life no matter what, even if that is the last thing they do. 

i understand that life is supposed to be this great thing that most people would find hard to let go but that doesnt mean death is the opposite (like the worst thing that could happen to a person). the way i see it, the worst that could happen is one would cease to exist. actually that's death in its simplest sense. no afterlife whatsoever, just the termination of all bodily functions. what's so wrong with that? its not that things would matter after i cease to exist. im dead. i wont be able to feel or think or worry about anything. no pain, no sorrow. its finally resting in peace. isnt that good? 

even if things are going my way or if i really have a great life, i dont think i will cling to life like other people do. i will try to live (since its hard give up a great life) but if clinging to life would make me miserable (or useless or make life meaningless), then i will stop trying to survive and welcome death instead. whats the purpose of life if rejecting death will force a person to live a life of fear? well, if thats what works for them, so be it. but taunting death is much better. of course taunting death without putting one's life to waste and/or ruin. i believe death is never unreasonable. 

the dog of Pavlov

what could i say about 2008? well, i would say its a good year. not happy, but good. i became really serious and focused when it comes to academic stuff. actually, thats what the year is mostly about, my school life. i placed everything else on hold. or for those stuff i cant put on hold, i let go, unfortunately. 

i was able to complete one full year of "committing" to the single life. sure ive been single my entire life but when i meant committing to the single life, i really mean "single and not looking and will never be interested to look" kind of single (its like switching into a stone cold prick living on an island shouting "leave me alone" whenever a creature that looks like a relationship pops up). no silly text mates, no "fraudulent machinations", no mixed signals schemes, no intimate non-sexual interaction, and no voluntarily entertaining any thought that would go against the single life im committing to (because i dont have full control of my subconscious. dreams of me having a non-single future is becoming more frequent). if i could only make this a subject of a wager, this would be much easier. well, not really. im not a good gambler. 

i also spent the year thinking about what i will do in the next few years. no concrete plan yet but a few plans are taking shape. more than a year ago, my life had no direction (or so it seems). im a leaf being blown by the wind. not really. i was aimless but not necessarily carefree.

what else happened this year? well, a college blockmate got married (and eventually got pregnant), had an impacted tooth removed, some of my college blockmates took the Philippine Bar exams, had my kinky story read on air by the "swiss miss" on the BrewRATs radio show (the night before a midterm exam), attended my first court hearing (not as a lawyer but as a law student), my cousin gave me her iPaq (very thankful for it but i realized that i became too dependent on it that when it malfunctioned, my life was "derailed" a bit), had back to back semesters with 20 units each, became an OLA Teamleader (which means that i cant be a lazy ass), the eraserheads had their reunion concert (goosebumps all over when i heard the first few lines of the first song sung), realized that i love ateneo after all, i adore audrey hepburn, my cousin and her family went to the US (and will stay there until my niece finishes high school. i think), learned that i will not graduate on march 2009, august remains to be a pain in the neck, had an interesting birthday, turned 25, my father retired, i became more cruel, arrogant, harsh, demanding and temperamental (side effect of being in serious mode, i feel like im in a position to lecture others on how they should live their life), got hooked on HIMYM (which made me realize im not part of a "sitcom" at the moment), and lastly, had a wonderful december because i think it was the month of the year where i was able to socialize the most (because i spent the other 11 months saying no to any form of social gathering or finding an excuse not to attend). 

i gained a lot of stuff this year. not what i wanted but its a gain nonetheless. its focusing on what i think i need and ignoring what i truly want (well, thats what ive been doing all these years but this year, i took it two levels higher). thats why 2008 is a good year but not really a happy one.

i think this year is also about proving to myself what im capable of. of course, im not satisfied. i saw that though i was able to improve myself emotionally and mentally, i completely neglected the physical aspect of myself which became a problematic limitation.

as for next year, im thinking of going for "i dont want to survive, i want to live" theme. i still have two days to think it over. i want to make sure that the "training" i underwent this year will not go to waste if i decide to "let go and simply live". ive never been a fan of life since 1997. 

Sabrina sizzles to steal a holiday

I like to think of life as a limousine. Though we are all riding together we must remember our places. There is a front seat and a back seat and a window in between. - Thomas Fairchild

Democracy can be a wickedly unfair thing...Nobody poor was ever called democratic for marrying somebody rich. - Thomas Fairchild

Actually, depravity can be terribly boring if you don't smoke or drink. - Gabrielle Simpson

Watch for normal human reactions! - Simon Dermott

If I were dead and buried, and I heard your voice,
Beneath the sod my heart of dust would still rejoice. - Princess Ann

checklist

before i start another list for my new year's resolution for 2009, im going to check first if i was able to accomplish the stuff in my new year's resolution this year. 

Stuff i was able to do: 
Read some fine books 
Show some emotion. positive emotion.  
Surprise yourself  
Face one's fears 
Cherish sweet memories 
Be nice to doctors 
Study harder 
have a sense of discipline. 
focus.  
be friendly or be nice 

Stuff i wasnt able to do: 
Have a year filled with magic, dreams and good madness.  
Make some art. Draw, build or sing. 
Love is rare, grab it and love truly 
Exercise 

Stuff im not quite sure if i was able to do or not: 
Write 
Live as only you can. 
Be thankful 
Never regret anything...that made you smile 

so the score is...10-4-4. not bad. not that good. but not bad. so i will just carry over the last 8 stuff and try to accomplish it this year. 

as for the movies i wanted to watch this year: 

i was able to watch 12 movies (out of the 26 from the list): 
The Incredible Hulk 
Iron Man 
Meet the Spartans 
The Dark Knight 
Jumper 
Semi-pro 
Forgetting Sarah Marshall 
Wall-E 
Speedracer. 
Hellboy II: The Golden Army 
Hancock 
Teeth  

i didnt get to watch 14 movies: 
You Don't Mess with the Zohan (going to rent it) 
The Love Guru (going to rent it) 
Penelope (going to rent it if available) 
Be Kind Rewind (going to rent it if available) 
Horton Hears a Who! (going to rent it) 
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street 
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (going to watch it next year) 
Mamma Mia (going to rent it) 
Step Brothers (going to rent it if available) 
Starship Dave (cant believe this is in my list...wonder why) 
Baby Mama (going to rent it if available) 
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (going to rent it) 
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (going to rent it) 
My Blueberry Nights (going to rent it if available)

december 24

its the twenty goddamn fourth of december! im tired. very, very tired. my feet hurts from all the walking inside the mall. im very sleepy because im really out of shape. i have no more money in my pocket. well, not totally empty but the amount is depressingly low. and i dont have an ounce of christmas spirit. the good thing about not feeling the christmas spirit is i wont feel bad no matter what happens on christmas day because for me, its just like any ordinary day. 

Professor Henry Higgins

   I'm an ordinary man, who desires nothing more than an ordinary chance, to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants. An average man am I, of no eccentric whim, who likes to live his life, free of strife, doing whatever he thinks is best, for him. Well, just an ordinary man. But let a woman in your life and your serenity is through, she'll redecorate your home, from the cellar to the dome, and then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you. Let a woman in your life, and you're up against a wall, make a plan and you will find, that she has something else in mind, and so rather than do either you do something else that neither likes at all. You want to talk of Keats and Milton, she only wants to talk of love. You go to see a play or ballet, and spend it searching for her glove. Let a woman in your life and you invite eternal strife. Let them buy their wedding bands for those anxious little hands. I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling than to ever let a woman in my life. 

 

   I'm a very gentle man, even tempered and good natured who you never hear complain, who has the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein. A patient man am I, down to my fingertips, the sort who never could, ever would, let an insulting remark escape his lips. Very gentle man. But let a woman in your life, and patience hasn't got a chance, she will beg you for advice, your reply will be concise, and she will listen very nicely, and then go out and do exactly what she wants!!!  

  You are a man of grace and polish, who never spoke above a hush, all at once you're using language that would make a sailor blush, Let a woman in your life, and you're plunging in a knife. Let the others of my sex, tie the knot around their necks, I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition than to ever let a woman in my life.

   I'm a quiet living man, who prefers to spend the evening in the silence of his room, who likes an atmosphere as restful as an undiscovered tomb. A pensive man am I, of philosophical joys, who likes to meditate, contemplate, far for humanities mad inhuman noise. Quiet living man. But let a woman in your life, and your sabbatical is through, in a line that never ends comes an army of her friends, come to jabber and to chatter and to tell her what the matter is with YOU! She'll have a booming boisterous family, who will descend on you en mass, she'll have a large wagnarian mother, with a voice that shatters glass. Let a woman in your life. Let a woman in your life. Let a woman in your life. I shall never let a woman in my life.

i need to...

• buy a new chair because the one i have now is under the process of breaking down and its only a matter of time before it becomes completely unusable
• buy a new mp3 player because my mp3 player is defective and i would like to use my cellphone more as a phone than an mp3 player
• have my cousin's PDA fixed because its making my life difficult without it and i dont even know why it suddenly broke down
• drop by the QC Prosecutor's Office and look for a certain person to talk about something law related
• call the NLRC to ask for an update regarding one of my case's
• contact a couple of clients to update them on what's up with their cases
• do some more research on my paper
• finish my RRAF
• save some money to pay for some debts i got myself in due to boredom and stupidity
• do some window shopping even if crowded malls annoy me
• buy a ziplock plastic bag
• study, study, study even if it means being more serious and becoming less fun
• restore the focus i had last semester because compared to last semester, im taking it easy so i need to get my groove back
• make back-ups for the recent stuff stored in the PC and laptop
• read non-law books and the opinion section of the newspaper because my level of writing sucks

• 
  
  

i came, i saw, i won something for my ears

finally! last night, i drank 4.5 bottles of intoxicating liquid. gave up on the fifth bottle of beer because it was already warm. tried finishing it but i just cant. was able to consume only half of it. so 4.5. and i hate it when its all bubbly already. the reason for the consumption and intoxication was because i was at the embassy last night

how i ended up going to embassy is very similar to how i ended up in the eheads concert. it was last minute decision to go.

the party was set to start at 6pm and it was already past 4pm and i was still ticketless. when i finally bought one from kim, i was still unsure until 6pm came. i decided to go because one, i already have a ticket. two, im tired of having boring saturday nights (ive been wondering lately where my weekends went). three, i just felt like going which was weird because i really didnt want to go right from the beginning. ive never been to embassy but ive been to similar establishments. cant say i hate such places but i cant say i enjoy it enough that im willing to make it a habit or spend money to go to such places.

anyway, for the price of P250, i was able to consume 4.5 bottles of beer, hang out with law school blockmates, have a picture with some college blockmates and...(this is the best part)...win sennheiser earphones! oh yeah! haha. i would like to thank UP WINLAW for the earphones. and jason de guzman for telling me to go get them earphones. i had no intention to participate in the surprise contest. jason, who was unfortunately immobilized temporarily, wasnt able to go to the DJs booth to answer the question and claim the prize. so he told me to do it (participate in the contest). and thats how i ended up getting new earphones.

twelfth of november

there's something different tonight. as i walked home, somehow, it felt like there's a strange silence of some sort. its not the usual silence i hear whenever i walk home at night. a strange silence on a wednesday night, at around 10 pm. it felt like dangerous elements are roaming the streets tonight. i dont know. tonight just felt different. its like i wished i was indoors or at least somewhere i felt safe. but at 10 pm? i walk inside UP Campus at 1am and i feel safe. i went home at around 2am and passed by Agham road on a pedicab and i didnt feel worried. tonight just felt different. maybe im just tired. just had a four hour class which ended at 9pm and i have OLA duty tomorrow which starts at 8am. and i have lots of stuff to do tonight.

bookworm fred

I am such a “nerd”. I can’t go to ateneo to get my diploma but I can easily drop by because I have to go to the library and research. And I was really happy with the fact that I can do some research in the library. And when I inquired about the alumni card, my only concern was access to the Rizal library. The guy in the Alumni Association Office was telling me the benefits of the card like discounts and all I cared about was access to the library. I really don’t care whether it has other benefits aside from unlimited access to the library. Well, there’s a deposit needed for borrowing books but its refundable, the fact is, I can borrow books with the card. I need to check what it means to have the membership activated because it’s not really a library card. and how many times will i use the word library in this blog entry and the fact that i have access to it?

 I just felt good walking between shelves and shelves of books. There is the UP Law Library but ive grown accustomed to the way the books are arranged in the Rizal library. I just find it easier to conduct research in there. And it’s better lit. and the air conditioning of the Rizal library is much better. I guess I missed the Rizal library. Wow, of all the possible stuff to miss in ateneo, it’s the library I chose. 

I guess one of my blockmates was right to say i am the bookish type because I look like one and my other blockmate to say I am such a nerd because im always in the library. I mean I just went to ateneo to inquire about the library services I can avail of as an alumnus and to access the OPAC and see how much research material I can get in the library but I ended up browsing the books and actually taking down some notes which prevented me from going to the Marikina RTC as I earlier planned. Who gets pumped up by just going to a nice library? Not me, but almost. 

Its either im a nerd deep inside (I admit Im a geek but a nerd? im not quite sure) or the lack of alcohol is driving me nuts. I mean, I didn’t even take college that seriously back then and I just slept in the library. College for me wasn’t an intellectual pursuit or something like that. Well, I did read the assigned readings for Fr. David’s classes that I wasn’t taking and I went nuts on the books on Marxism, meaning i read a lot of stuff that weren’t required. Crap. Im a nerd in denial.

mostly about edible stuff

I ate in the cafeteria in Ateneo a while ago and I must say, they still have affordable meals. I had a…I cant remember what it was. Wow, it must have been an unmemorable meal. But what I do remember was it was cheap and it was decent. It’s something I could eat every other day or maybe everyday if I was short on cash (which is everyday recently). It cost me P70, well P79 because of the extra rice but that’s already inclusive of an “upsized” drink, more specifically iced tea. In Rodic’s, for P75 I would have 2 servings of rice but that does not include any drink. The cheapest and at the same time easily accessible place to eat (for me) in UP can cost as low as P50 but that doesn’t include any drink. So a meal with a drink plus extra serving of rice in the UP cafeteria im talking about would probably have the same price (P79) but im comparing it with the cafeteria in ateneo. I was expecting that I wont be able to buy a cheap meal in there. Its been four years so I thought the price of the meals have increased or wont be as cheap as the meals in UP. It may not be selling the tastiest meals but its still nice to know there are still those who have affordable and decent meals.

A lot of the stalls were closed a while ago so im not sure if the stall that sells quesadillas is still there. i always ate them quesadillas before the polsci class in faura. and sometimes during class, i step out as if i was going to the restroom but i was actually going to get myself a quick meal. i liked its salsa.  

I noticed this CLAYGO poster in the cafeteria. Its supposed to mean “clean as you go”. I think. And I tried doing that a while ago since that’s what we do in the UP Law Cafeteria and well, there was this guy who I think cleans the tables just told me that I don’t have to do the cleaning up. I guess the claygo thing only applies to meals in disposable containers. That’s still a good thing because it’s considerate to the next user of the table. I don’t remember doing that back in college. I just leave my mess after im done eating. 

I also noticed the vending machine in SEC still has Tofiluk and Safari. I always pick Safari whenever I want something sweet from that particular vending machine (the same way i always want a KitKat when i play billiards which i think was P8 back then, i dont know how much it is now). I also remember that I always picked cherry coke in the Soc Sci vending machine. I didn’t notice if it was still there and I doubt there’s still cherry coke in any of the vending machines inside the campus.  

I didnt get to drop by ISO. i would like to see what they are serving now. back in my freshman year, i think i tried all their sizzling plate meals. and during the latter college years, i always ordered their mongolian dish, with extra rice. and i always saw half of the chinita twins studying there. which reminds me of the chinita lady who asked me a while ago how to go to ateneo while i was waiting for a jeepney near romulo hall in UP. i just came from ateneo during that time and in all my years in UP, it was the first time someone asked me for directions on how to go to ateneo. and i think she's the second most attractive female stranger driver who asked me for directions. the most attractive was the dead ringer for bianca gonzales who also sounds like bianca gonzales asking for directions on how to go to the fine arts building. the only reason i think she was not bianca gonzales was because her cheeks werent as smooth. 

big, bad and blue...can be a description of a man's balls

The fact that Ateneo is very much alive in me doesn’t necessarily follow I am an Atenean. I still consider myself as a recipient of an Ateneo education or someone who went to that university in Katipunan with a Blue Eagle gym. That’s why I say I am not an Atenean. 

Being an Atenean, for me, is different. It’s more than just having a college degree from Ateneo. It’s more than being a man for others. It’s more than applying what the institution has taught. And it’s much more than being an avid supporter of its basketball team. To be an Atenean is to actually live a life that will make the institution proud to have educated such a person. That’s what being an Atenean is. The same goes for other universities. To call oneself as an alumnus or an alumna of a university, it’s not sufficient to be a recipient of a diploma from the university. It’s living the life the way the university shapes its students/graduates. Each university has a different approach, a different focus, a different way of shaping its students/graduates. Until they live the life that is in accord with the university’s purpose, the university’s reason to exist as an educational institution, I think they are merely recipients of the university’s educational style. In my case, I’m only an Atenean in paper due to the diploma I got a while ago. I don’t think im living a life that would entitle me to call myself as an Atenean. So, how should one live to be able to call one’s self an Atenean? Well, figure out first what those four years meant, what the university is shaping its students for and what they are supposed to do as members of society equipped with such an education. what i just wrote is bullshit that makes sense. 

Also, there’s another image of an Atenean. The not so good one. That also a reason why I don’t want to call myself an Atenean. That image is something that I openly attacked during high school and I was really pissed that I ended up in a school that produces such people. So I guess there are two types of Ateneans and im neither. 

something blue

Just went to Ateneo a while ago (if you’re an atenean and want to correct me that it should be “the ateneo”, I will say, “No i will not refer to it as “the ateneo”. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. Im sorry but I just hate it. i dont know why there should be a "the". i do believe there is such a thing as school pride but calling ateneo as the ateneo really sounds stupid to me”). I went there to go to the Rizal library and do some research. I haven’t been there for years. I went back there after I graduated in 2004 but I don’t recall my most recent visit to the campus that I will forever call my college (well, until I give it a reason to disown me as its alumnus). One thing I learned a while ago is that I don’t miss the place. I don’t miss the school. Well, its physical aspect at least. Maybe not as much as most people would after four years from graduation. Eight semesters must mean something right? But I didn’t feel any nostalgic stuff while walking inside the campus. It’s because it felt like I didn’t even leave the place. It felt like I was there last week or maybe the other day. Not much has changed. There might be new buildings and a lot more benches (the place just screams the campus can never have too much benches) but the campus still looks and feels substantially the same, including the Ateneans that were in it. How can I miss a place that I feel that I never even left? 

Why do I feel like that? I guess Ateneo for me is like a beautiful lady that I am not afraid to lose. Why beautiful lady? Well, because it appears to me that everybody wants to be in Ateneo like every guy wants to be with a beautiful lady (or at least it’s the norm). Everyone who gets to be in Ateneo is proud to be in Ateneo, the same way that a guy with a beautiful lady is proud to be with a beautiful lady (Not sure if women think the same way, like they all want a handsome guy and proud to be with one). Anyway, after being with her for four years, I can push that beautiful lady away as much as I can, say the harshest things about that lady and not care what happens next because of my actions and words. And if I happen to lose that lady, I won’t care, I will move on and things will be fine. I don’t mind not having her for the rest of my life because it does not matter to me at all. Treat her as if she was a mistake that I’m happy to be done with. But deep inside I know as a fact that despite losing her, she has changed me forever and that no matter how far I push her, it’s undeniable that she will forever be a part of me. It won’t change the fact that she played an important part of my life because in those four years, she shaped me to be who I am now. I’m not being ungrateful by pushing her away because I do appreciate what she has done for me. It just so happens that things change and there will be stuff that can’t be kept. Like her. So I won’t mind losing her. So we go our separate ways and not see each other nor talk to each other. But even if that’s the case, despite the distance, physical and emotional, the bond that has been formed between us would remain. Due to this bond, it feels like she never left me, giving me no reason to miss her. It’s like she’s always there. And the bond will not disappear because it has made a deep mark in my life. 

So that’s how I see my college. I could openly rebuke the university that educated me and it won’t matter because the fact that I’m its graduate won’t make me less of an alumnus. I could move further away from it since there’s no point staying in the university because going back will never be the same. The good things about it are no longer there, like my blockmates and the memories I have with them. And since they’re no longer there, what’s left is just the physical part of the campus which is loveable but I love it less compared to the memories I have of it with my blockmates in it. No matter how long I stay away from such a glorious educational institution, I will always be contained in its records that i became part of it and its history, the same way that i will consider it as a part of me because its my one and only college. And being a part of me, I will not grow to miss it since it will always be with me. I always remember it whenever I criticize it, when I talk to other Ateneans, when I read about it in the papers or hear about its Ateneans in the news. How can I miss something that is very much alive in me almost every day? And I didn’t even realize that it’s very much alive in me until I walked inside the campus a while ago. Maybe a major overhaul of the landscape of the campus would change how I feel about it. That would make me feel that I have been gone for so long I can’t recognize it anymore and truly point out to me that I did leave.

mostly uneventful

just had a bad day. not august type of bad so it could have been worse but still a bad day.
 
the day started well. had a hearing and things seem to have went well. 

After the hearing i dropped by OLA, then I had lunch. In all the years ive been to Kha’s restaurant, 75% of the time, I ask for their lamb chops and 100% of the time they say its not available…until today. Even if I was expecting them to say its not available, I still asked and I was happy to be proven wrong. So I ordered lamb chops. Bad thing about it was that it wasn’t that good. Maybe I was expecting more or I was comparing it to the wrong restaurant (Circles. Now that I think about it, why would I compare Circles’ lamb chops to Kha’s’?). That’s one of the bad things that happened today, a disappointing meal. For P175 i would rather buy a Yoshi’s burger in Tokyo Café. Yoshi’s burger is the best burger ive had for the price of P165 and I like it more than a Double Whammy with Cheese of Wham Burgers which costs much more. But then again, maybe I should try Yoshi’s Burger when I no longer have a cold. Maybe my sense of taste is misleading me when i tried it. But I doubt it. If I could taste how good the burger is even if I have a cold, it only means its much better than what I think.
 
Anyway, the other bad thing that happened is that my bag strap was torn off when I was boarding a jeepney. Stupid jeep didn’t make a full stop so when I boarded, the momentum of my entry made my bag hit the ceiling of the jeepney and in the process tearing off the strap and making a hole from where the strap should be attached and giving my bag a forceful drop on the asphalt. Good thing my cellphones weren’t inside it. What made it bad was I was heading home and I just had a very tiring day doing the “ninja report” and organizing case files. What a way to end the day. Well, the day has not really ended but im heading there. 

My bad day isn’t really that bad. Well I would not want to call it the highlights of my day.

too serious to function

ive been studying for two weeks...straight! well, except for that one day where i did some OLA work and the latter half of saturday where i just slept in the library but the rest of the time was spent studying. and ive taken it too seriously that it took its toll a while ago when i woke up. i was a nervous wreck and my head was really a mess but i wanted to study. unfortunately i cant. my mind was just too messed up to function. and now, im forcing myself to procrastinate. because ive become too serious i refuse to take a break. sure i rest from time to time but im still to focused on studying that the needed distraction isnt really there. two days ago, i studied for hours despite the fact that i was already filling dizzy. so i endured the woozy feeling and just kept reading. its like being a man on a mission and i cant stop unless ive accomplished what needs to be done. now that im too focused, im trying to distract myself.

one step closer to the edge

im an extremist. last friday, had 2 finals exams, scheduled consecutively. so it was a 1pm to 8pm exam (had skyflakes and ice coffee in between exams to keep me going). i managed to do it even if i had a sleepless night. thats the strange part, i had a sleepless night for no reason at all. just plain insomnia...and wrong timing (so i was lying in bed for for almost 6 hours staring at the ceiling, watching HIMYM from time to time since i wasnt feeling sleepy at all and a couple of attempts to study but to no avail since i was too tired). its like my bio-clock suddenly malfunctioned. maybe im really not fit for the intense studying shit. but i cant go back to being a crammer because that wont work in the bar.

and this coming monday, aside from one final exam, i have a hearing in antipolo in the morning. and again, i want to prove to myself that it can be done. the stuff im experiencing right now is really nothing compared to what reality and life has to offer in the next few years.

HIMYM

We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, even from our closest friends, that those rare times when we do open up, it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up being. - future Ted Mosby

if youre ignorant, teach yourself.

we should never stop learning in life. if we dont know something, we should exert an effort to learn, as much as possible, on one's own. have the independence to think without reliance on external help. dependence stunts growth and self-development. or slows down progress at the very least. only kids should be taught or assisted in their self-development/self-improvement. an exception is when one is seeking higher education or mastery of a skill, then assistance is something that probably cant be dispensed with but independence of thought and reliance on one's self remains to be essential.

the problem with some people is that they are afraid to commit mistakes. they are afraid to fail. everybody commits mistakes. its acceptable as long as one does not overdo it. im a self-proclaimed self-taught thinker. i didnt believe what my highschool teachers taught me and i didnt rely on my college professors for answers (most of the time because they werent exactly useless).

i always exert an effort to enrich my knowledge on a wide range of topics. when i took up law, my primary reason was that i find the field interesting and i want to learn it. thats no longer my primary reason for continuing the hell i placed myself in but learning about it remains to be a reason.

unfortunately, there are some people who dont know the value of learning or the importance of increasing one's knowledge, be it a specific field or knowledge in general. they depend on other people for answers, for solutions. they dont think for themselves and instead use their brains for useless stuff. stuff that will never contribute a thing to the development of man or our society. well, it can contribute in a sense its something that should be avoided. i dont pity these people. i despise them but i dont blame them for their sorry state. i think all they need is therapy because there has to be something wrong with a person's state of mind if he or she has no interest in self-development or self-improvement (or not exerting any effort to pursue it). i think self-improvement and self-development is an essential part of being human. to not do anything to improve one self reduces a person into a mere mechanical being with a central processing unit that depends on external input to function. a computer is much more valuable than a person with no sense of self-improvement or development or a person with no interest in increasing one's knowledge (an exception would be that if that mechanical being has an exterior of a extremely hot and attractive female then that person has an "aesthetic value". a computer is still more useful but that person isnt exactly useless compared to other unthinking people).

why cant we close our ears the way we can close our eyes?

our world seems to be ignorant of the value of silence. i remember that i was happy to hear that there was such a thing called "noise pollution". we live in a noisy world filled with noisy people composed of noisy individuals owning and/or operating and/or using noisy products and inanimate objects. the everyday noise stresses me out to the point that i even avoid conversations just to minimize the noise im bombarded with everyday. sometimes i wish to hear the deafening sound of silence, which happens very rarely. i dont even hear it at night. in this world that never stops buzzing, all i want is half an hour of dead silence. at least. but i dont want to go deaf of course. even the library isnt as quiet as it should be.

the best things in life are illegal

but we need the law to establish some form of order. so we just have to be creative and find ways to beat the boredom without going against the law. or we can play cat and mouse and see if the supposed law enforcers can catch you.

but everyone breaks the law, even the president of the southeast asian country composed of 7000 plus islands. its just a question of what laws were broken or the gravity of the offense. and how many were hurt or affected. its like looking at how much one gains for breaking the law at the expense of those violated. thats why its illegal in the first place. it disrupts the social order and causes damage to another. it offends the senses or morals or whatever society wants to be upheld.

and why am i so serious this morning? or afternoon since its already noon. actually i wanted to write about the best things to do to beat the boredom thats illegal and then i asked myself, "is that a good idea? why put incriminating stuff in writing?" so i answered myself back, well, its not like the illegal stuff ive done is as serious as the laws broken by the high officials of the land. then i replied, "well, its illegal nonetheless and dura lex sed lex applies." dura lex sed lex. always reminds me of the condom brand. to wear rubber can be harsh but its better than knocking someone up or worse, getting infected. and im digressing. point is, im bored and my idea of having fun is at least getting piss drunk.

theres an I in my TEAM

ive never really been a team player. ive been part of a team and usually, i can co-exist and cooperate but not operate and coordinate. i have the tendency to do things alone. sometimes because i think things can be done more effectively and efficiently when done alone. or i underestimate my teammates and i assume they wont be able to do what i expect them to do so i do it myself without even bothering of asking them to do it first as a team. even if things can be done better through a team, if i do it alone, at least im the only one to blame for it and i can handle the blame. so my rule is always do it first alone then team effort comes second if the first one fails. thats why i dont panic easily in group works because if i can do it alone, i wont worry if the team isnt doing well (or not doing anything at all, which rarely happens) because i would be able to manage it on my own. thats where my idea of being the back-up or reserve person probably came from. if all things fail, im there to do something. i may not do it as well as a team can but i think i can provide the minimum requirements to do whatever needs to be done.

i just have to be that masochistic member who intentionally burdens himself of unnecessary baggage. well, its a learning experience and i gain a lot from doing teamwork alone. unfortunately, it also increases arrogance and raises my expectations of others because if i can do it alone, theres no reason why others cant. but that reasoning is flawed. and its not because people arent created equal. its because people are not similarly situated. its like an experiment thats difficult to duplicate due to various intervening factors that cant be easily controlled or removed. and theres also the luck factor.

since im not a team player, the only way i can function well in a team is with a good leader who knows where and when to put me exactly. im not a good leader either because i have the tendency to be a dictator (and i have to remind myself that we're in a democracy and dictatorship is bad even if i will share the work because people in a democracy dont like being told to follow strict and rigid rules with no questions asked and no room for dissent) and have high standards because i expect people to do what i expect they are capable of doing. of course capability does not mean willingness and availability (which i think is a common problem for any team especially those of temporary nature or of a short duration). so i also end up doing things alone so i wont be frustrated.

just another one of those things i need to fix about myself. maybe this is why i wanted to be scientist when i was a kid. scientist have this image of doing stuff alone. stuck in some laboratory or engaged in experiments. scientists collaborate but i think collaboration is a level lower than teamwork. in collaboration, its just joint effort or to work together but teamwork is organized effort or to function as one. im not even convinced with what i said. anyway, point is, i will be part of a team from time to time and i have to learn how to be part of it

promises are hard to keep...sometimes. is that why the word promissory sounds apologetic?

respect is something that is earned. you dont demand it. and i certainly dont give it that easily. and its harder it earn it once it is lost.

i have lots of reasons for not giving respect to a person. one reason is if a person does not know how to commit or constantly breaks promises to the point of being inconsiderate. i dont give respect to those kind of people.

i exert a lot of effort not to break promises or stick to what ive committed to (thats why i dont easily commit to something until im really sure that i can fulfill it). thats why i easily get pissed with people who cant keep promises or live up to the expectations they themselves created or initiated. its like a lawyer who keeps scheduling meetings and appointments with clients and changing the plans in the last minute. clients, usually, try their best to accomodate their lawyers, to adjust their schedules for them. and its just inconsiderate for a lawyer to constantly change what has been agreed upon because it disrupts not only the schedule of his or her client, but possibly his or her life.

the same goes for ordinary personal relationships. one shouldnt just throw statements saying that he or she means it but in reality, its merely words to him or her. meaningless words. and to have those words said to me, is really a waste of my time and thats why i dont respect people who do that. and demanding respect will certainly make it more impossible for me to give it. it just means he or she is really not worth having around because i dont have time for people who waste my time and clueless that they are wasting my time. thats why im more of an "action speak louder than words" type of person. i give more attention and importance to what the person is doing (or have done) than what the person is saying (or said). so a person can say all he or she wants, argue all day long and explain himself or herself to me and it will not mean anything if his or her actions show otherwise. actions persuade me, not words. but im a listener and thats why im still affected by promises or statements of similar nature that i know will not be kept and i hate to hear such useless words. just to listen to meaningless words is already a waste of brain cells. 

im in serious mode and im sucking the fun out of life

i hate compliments. i think its for kids. its something you say to encourage kids or give them an incentive to do it again or improve themselves. if one appreciates something ive done, a simple "thank you" is enough. i dont want to hear anything more. compliments annoy me. i dont know why. sometimes i feel im being made fun of when someone gives a compliment to me (maybe its paranoia for me to think a compliment is being said in a sarcastic manner. sarcasm is a distinct human trait and its really a peculiar human creation). most of the time i dont think a compliment is due to me. thats why i hate it. and thats why i think the person is being sarcastic.

sure its nice to hear a compliment but i prefer to hear it on times which i think really matters. like, i did something really big or legendary (Barney Stinson just makes the word sound interesting). to have a compliment thrown around so easily makes the person giving it appear insincere to me. its like engaging in small talk, i hate it and its a waste of time for me. id rather have the person shut up and not say anything than be told compliments which sound like big fat lies. or even if its true, to hear it after doing something insignificant, the compliment has really no value. now i understand why some people reply "its nothing really" because its really nothing and not worthy of compliments. criticism is much more useful. so a "thank you" or something as simple would suffice. 

Breakfast at Tiffany's on a wonderful rainy night

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself....Here. I've been carrying this thing around for months. I don't want it anymore." - Paul "Fred" Varjak

chemistry makes it look good

why do some people assume that if two people have good chemistry they are a good match? i think it doesnt necessarily follow and its a hit and miss thing if turned into a serious romantic relationship. and when i say chemistry, i mean the external type (rapport and not mutual attraction). and when i say external type, i mean the ones perceived by third persons. and i dont know if its appropriate to call it external chemistry (and internal chemistry). maybe theres a better term but im going to stick to my terms anyway since this is not some serious stuff.

chemistry is pretty much (yes, i used pretty much), just chemistry. it can exist without intimacy or affection. its like watching a good sitcom or tv show hosts or listening to radio DJs. they can have good chemistry or an incredibly smooth and entertaining partnership. they can make themselves appear as one cohesive unit but the moment the show ends, so does the relationship. they go their separate ways until they meet again for the show. they really dont care about each other's lives or at least each other's affairs. they dont even have to be friends in real life. they can be enemies yet they can still put on a good show (if they are professional enough not to allow personal feelings affect their work)

in real life its not an act but something similar. sometimes the chemistry is what appears to those who see it, those who watch it. the good chemistry is how other people perceive it. but how do the individuals who have good chemistry perceive each other? do they think the same way as other people do? does he or she see the other as having a good chemistry with him or her to the point that he or she might think theres more than chemistry? or is it simply good chemistry? chemistry can lead to attraction but it doesnt necessarily follow. or it doesnt have to follow. one can have a good and meaningful relationship with someone even without the external chemistry. because i think chemistry as most people understand it is something that is perceived by the senses of third persons (rapport) and not something that is felt between the interested parties (mutual attraction or internal chemistry). so its possible that a couple may not appear to have a good chemistry as other people see it, like they cant even finish each other's sentences or interact without looking like strangers to each other (rapport) but to the two of them theres some unspoken bond that cant be expressed but only felt which of course cant be sensed by third persons but by only interested parties (mutual attraction).

so whats my point? actually i started with only the external chemistry in mind. while writing the entry, i realized that theres such a thing as internal chemistry. and since im more than halfway done, i just tried to cover the "holes" in what i was writing because im too lazy to re-write the entry. my point is simply the answer to the first sentence. chemistry, as understood to be the one that third persons perceive, is not attraction and its not good to assume that its indicative of a possibly good or successful romantic relationship because it would still boil down on how the two people perceive each other and not how they are perceived by third persons. chemistry makes it look good but not because it looks good means it also feels good. 

and then there was none

10-12 years ago, the four of "us" were composed of 3 college students and a highschool student (and eventually 3 UP students and an Atenean). we were much like friends only that we were, or we are, related (cousins by birth). its the age group that really brought us together and of course the residential set-up (because as i recently explained to one them, we have different "crowds" and most likely we wont end up hanging out together if we werent related). things were ok back then. life appeared to be good. we seemed happy with each others company. well, to a certain extent.

one of us was a brilliant and deep thinker that gives sense, relevance and meaning to the stuff around us and she also has an intellectual sense of humor. the other one was loud and annoying yet she brings life to conversations and despite the irritating stuff she does, the kind of company she brings eventually grows on you. the third member was the innocent (or maybe naive) and incorruptible one. a man of strong moral fibre, honest and thoughtful. as for me, ive always been the disagreeable and arrogant one. i was the rational, reliable and pessimistic know-it-all wannabe. well, they were college students and i was only in highschool. i wanted to be seen as an equal. anyway, it kind of worked out between them and me (because im the "apparent" black sheep). i dont know how the four of us got along. we disagreed and argued from time to time but somehow we usually patch things up in the end (and they bribe me with food i like whenever i get pissed so i will forgive them even if they know its my fault because they probably knew i will never apologize even if i admit its my fault. i was an immature hot-head and they were mature enough to understand that im rational yet unreasonable childish prick).

then one by one we "graduated" and our lives changed. one of us got married. the other one started working. the other one remained in college. and i graduated from college and then went to law school. the older we got, the distance between the four of us increased. its something i knew will happen. i knew it since highschool since i was exposed to this kind of change at an early age. relationships that last a lifetime is something that you have to expressly commit to and you cant do it alone.

for a good relationship to work or last, chemistry alone is insufficient (even chemistry fades). the ones in the relationship should exert an effort to make it work. it cant be done by one person alone. its a burden that should be shared by all who wants to stay in the relationship. well, for the four us, only one wanted to keep the relationship alive. the rest of us just wanted to move on. our lives have changed. not necessarily for the better but its still undeniable that things have changed. for all of us. and keeping the relationship wasnt that appealing to some of us since we werent really brought together out of similar interest or something like that. it just happens that we were young (meaning we werent saddled with the problems of reality and adult life), we didnt want to get bored, we wanted some company and we can tolerate each other's differences. so right from the beginning, it was either we grow together or we grow apart. the former lasted for years before the latter started to kick in.

even if i try to help revive the old life we had (so there would be two of us trying to make the old relationship work), it wont be as good as it was. for the simple reason that the rest of us doesnt want it as much. the fact that we eventually let go is a sign that we had a good run but some good things just have to end. its hard to accept sometimes but some things are just bound to happen and it all boils down on how one deals with it.

so what's up with us now? one of us, happily married, is in the US. just left last month. the other one is working and in a relationship. the other one is at home. just simply at home and still in college. and im a struggling 4th year law student. i said to my cousin that the next time we hang out together, it wont be a bonding session. its a reunion. and a reunion most of the time is temporary in nature. i dont think it can get any better than that.

is it a pang?

i thought i was immune to regret. well, i was. not anymore. somehow regret figured a way how to get to me.

regret made me realize, just now, that ive been quick to judge people. well, a person.

its not the same feeling i had when i was eating at mcdonalds a few weeks ago. this one is much worse. this time, the feeling is like seeing her right in front of me after being hit by a brick in the face and she's just staring at me with a look as if saying i had my chance and i blew it and i acted like its not an opportunity worth taking.

well, its a loss i thought i could easily accept. and regret just made me realize that my life has been partly about me making decisions which i think is risky when in fact its not because i know or i feel that im the one at the losing end. so before i even take the risk, im already convincing myself i can afford to lose. its not a risk when i know the likely outcome and im also ok with the fact that i will lose. what i was doing was not betting to win but hoping to be surprised, for the unexpected to happen. well, life was never nice enough to let me have the unexpected im expecting. its like ive always been betting on the improbable, hoping for the improbable to happen. thats the reason why i lost recently on a P100 bet i made a few days ago. it was possible but not very probable. its like im aiming for a big win (i gained something and i also proved that the improbable can happen). and i thought i was risk averse because i always weigh and study stuff like options or decisions. or so i think. so what else will i allow myself to lose?

im a time-wasting bastard

its monday already! damn it!

i spent hours answering online quizzes instead of studying. and its because im downloading Gianna Jun's (Jeon Ji Hyun) movie. i would have bought a copy but ive been looking for it for more than a year, maybe two years, and i cant find one obviously. it wasnt even available for downloading more than a year ago.

the reason i decided to search for it again is because i recently saw the american version of the movie on HBO (starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock) and i didnt like what they did to the movie. i think the original korean version is much better (and i assume the same goes for My Sassy Girl movie. havent seen the american version). the american version isnt bad, if i was unaware of how it was made in its korean version. or had i seen the korean version later, i would say the korean version greatly improved the american version of the movie. point is, the korean version will never be surpassed by the american version in any aspect.

ok, i dont even know if what im saying still makes sense or coherent or worth reading. im so sleepy and i think i recently told myself not to write and post when im under such a state of mind. speaking of movies, i recently rented The Hitman and The Heartbreak Kid at the same time, not realizing that the movie titles are both nicknames of WWE wrestlers. well, i realized when i looked at the receipt while watching Hitman. im back to renting movies.

does this even matter?

Your result for The Beautiful Faces Test...

Charlize Theron

43% Eyes, 14% Nose, 35% Mouth, 40% SexyCute

You seem to prefer that your women be hot rather than cute. Can't blame you for that. You also seem to find smaller or less prominent facial features appealing. Might you be a fan of Charlize Theron? If so, you're certainly not alone.

Similar: Nicole Kidman, Elisha Cuthbert

Take The Beautiful Faces Test at HelloQuizzy

should be sleeping

Your result for The Tits, Ass, and Cuteness Test...

Curvy and Naughty

Raw score: 59% Big Breasts, 55% Big Ass, and 48% Cute!

Thanks for taking the T and A and C test! Based on your selections, the results are clear: you show an attraction to larger breasts, larger asses, and sexier composures than others who've taken the test.

Note that you like women overall curvier than average.

My third variable, "cuteness" is a mostly objective measure of how innocent a given model looked. It's determined by a combination of a lot of factors: lack of dark eye makeup, facial expression, posture, etc. If you scored high on that variable, you are either really nice OR you're into deflowering teens. If you scored low, you are attracted to raunchier, sexier, women. In your case, your lower than average score suggests you appreciate a sexier, naughtier look. Kudos!


Recommended Celebrities: Supermodel Laetitia Casta and Actress Angelina Jolie.

Take The Tits, Ass, and Cuteness Test at HelloQuizzy

still answering online quizzes

Your result for The Personality Defect Test...

Sociopath

You are 86% Rational, 14% Extroverted, 86% Brutal, and 57% Arrogant.

You are the Sociopath! As a result of your cold, calculating rationality, your introversion (and ability to keep quiet), your brutality, and your arrogance, you would make a very cunning serial killer. You are confident and capable of social interaction, but you prefer the silence of dead bodies to the loud, twittering nitwits you normally encounter in your daily life. You care very little for the feelings of others, possibly because you are not a very emotional person. You are also very calculating and intelligent, making you a perfect criminal mastermind. Also, you are a very arrogant person, tending to see yourself as better than others, providing you with a strong ability to perceive others as weak little animals, so tiny and small. You take great pleasure in the misery of others, and there is nothing sweeter to you than the sweet glory of using someone else's shattered failure to project yourself to success. Except sugar. That just may be sweeter. In short, your personality defect is the fact that you could easily be a sociopath, because you are calculating, unemotional, brutal, and arrogant. Please don't kill me for writing mean things about you! I have a 101 mile-long knife! Don't make me use it!

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.

3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.

4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Hippie.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Spiteful Loner, the Smartass, and the Capitalist Pig.

*

*

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

Be sure to take my Sublime Philosophical Crap Test if you are interested in taking a slightly more intellectual test that has just as many insane ramblings as this one does!

About Saint_Gasoline

I am a self-proclaimed pseudo-intellectual who loves dashes. I enjoy science, philosophy, and fart jokes and water balloons, not necessarily in that order. I spend 95% of my time online, and the other 5% of my time in the bathroom, longing to get back on the computer. If, God forbid, you somehow find me amusing instead of crass and annoying, be sure to check out my blog and my webcomic at SaintGasoline.com.

Take The Personality Defect Test at HelloQuizzy

i didnt know there was such a creature

Your result for How geeky are you?...

Cool Introvert

40% Geeky, 74% Cranial and 58% Introverted!

You scored 40% Geeky, 74% Cranial and 58% Introverted! Brilliant!  This is so very exciting because you have managed to maintain your intelligence yet steer clear of the path to geekiness.  You are the rarest of the rare, not many people score in this category.  I don't know if you realize the delicate balance between smarts and geekiness, yet you have overcome!!

You most likely have a strong passion for reading or some other hobby you can cultivate on your own, and this can be a wonderful creative outlet.  Make sure you take the time to develop strong interpersonal relationships as they may not come as easily to you, though they are vital for a fulfilling life.  It takes much effort to mantain them at times, but their benefits far outweight their draw backs.Take How geeky are you? at HelloQuizzy

95! not good enough

Your result for The How Well Do You Know Douglas Adams, and Hitch Hiker's Guide Test...

Douglas Adams

You scored 95 % Knowledge!

You always know where your towel is, you have clearly re-read Hitch Hiker a hundred times and seen it in all its incarnations - you are a true lover of all things Adams and I salute you! Very well done, you are the hoopiest frood of all, the great man himself.

Take The How Well Do You Know Douglas Adams, and Hitch Hiker's Guide Test at HelloQuizzy

im an artist

Your result for Thief Quiz...

Heist Artist

71% Patience, 41% Athletics and 61% Compassion!

While other thieves consider themselves employees, or professionals, consider yourself an artist. While you don't always spend time planning before a job, it helps.  The rest of your brilliance is in your improvisation during the job. Complicated plans seem to come to you on a whim and always work out. You see routes and possibilities instantly that would take most years to plan. Best of all, you can pull them off. You wouldn't trust many to follow your plans, and besides, you need to adapt and make new plans when things go wrong. If you want something done right, do it yourself. Bloodshed usually isn't necessary, and you feel thieves that leave a trail of bodies are unprofessional. It takes so little effort to spare lives, for you anyways.

"Ah, you don't see it? Pity. Well, have fun chasing shadows, I'm off to the castle treasury. I'll bring you back a trinket, amateur."

Take Thief Quiz at HelloQuizzy

ive been singing their songs since i was six

Your result for The Beatles Lyrics Test...

You are 100% a Beatles Lyrics Master!

No categories here. Your percentage is simply how many you got right. Each question was worth the same amount.

So, if your score is low, then I recommend listening to some more Beatles music. And classic rock in general!

If your score is high, then great! Keep up the appareciation of good music.

Take The Beatles Lyrics Test at HelloQuizzy

nothing new, just bored

Your result for The Ultra Ultimate Personality Test...

The Thinker

You scored 14 Extroversion, 74 Intuition, 38 Emotional, and 53 Spontaneity!

INTP

Private, intellectual, impersonal, analytical and reflective, the INTP appears to value ideas, principles and abstract thinking above all else. This logical type seeks to understand and explain the universe--not to control it! Higher education often holds a particular appeal to this type who tends to acquire degrees and amass knowledge over the entire course of life. Abstract or theoretical subjects are usually the INTP's cup of tea, and academic or research careers may seem attractive to this type. From science and math to economics and philosophy: just name the discipline, and you'll find INTPs perched on the loftiest rungs of theory and analysis. In whatever field they choose, INTPs take on the role of visionary, scientist or architect, and they usually prefer to make their contributions in relative solitude. The mundane details of life may be the INTP's undoing, since this type lives in a world guided by intuitive thinking. Often perceived to be arrogant and aloof, the quiet and sometimes reclusive INTP may have to struggle in the personal realm, as well, for feelings are not this type's natural forte.

Relationships

INTPs live rich worlds inside their minds, which are full of imagination and excitement. Consequently, they sometimes find the external world pales in comparison. This may result in a lack of motivation to form and maintain relationships. INTPs are not likely to have a very large circle of significant relationships in their lives. They're much more likely to have a few very close relationships, which they hold in great esteem and with great affection. Since the INTP's primary focus and attention is turned inwards, aimed towards seeking clarity from abstract ideas, they are not naturally tuned into others' emotional feelings and needs. They tend to be difficult to get to know well, and hold back parts of themselves until the other person has proven themselves "worthy" of hearing the INTP's thoughts. Holding Knowledge and Brain Power above all else in importance, the INTP will choose to be around people who they consider to be intelligent. Once the INTP has committed themself to a relationship, they tend to be very faithful and loyal, and form affectionate attachments which are pure and straight-forward. The INTP has no interest or understanding of game-playing with regards to relationships. However, if something happens which the INTP considers irreconciliable, they will leave the relationship and not look back.

Strengths

They feel love and affection for those close to them which is almost childlike in its purity

Generally laid-back and easy-going, willing to defer to their mates

Approach things which interest them very enthusiastically

Richly imaginative and creative

Do not feel personally threatened by conflict or criticism

Usually are not demanding, with simple daily needs

Take The Ultra Ultimate Personality Test at HelloQuizzy

sunday mornings

went to church this morning. now i havent been to church in about 10 years (and one time i had to pull my little sister's ears? but im not really violent and it shows, i go for flower power as the stupid song goes. sometimes i tell a lie...). ok, more accurately, i havent been going to church on a regular basis for about 10 years. i think i havent attended mass for more than 20 times in a span of 10 years. and thats including the baccalaureate mass when i graduated back in 2004, the mass i attended with college blockmates (which i remember was a mass that said it was the start of the advent season) and the mass i attended in the UP chapel just because i felt like attending one. im not even sure if i attended mass more than 15 times since 1998.

before 1998, i attended mass every sunday. what happened? i just learned to think on a more analytical level. sometimes, thats enough to destroy one's faith (i should have a customized button that says "i was born intelligent but philosophy changed me"). back then i started to question whats with this God entity anyway and the whole religion crap. even if God exists, its not like He is actively participating in our human affairs. in the mortal world, only man matters. the mortal world is our playground and this is our realm, not Gods, even if He created it. in effect, i never really denied God's existence. i just refused to ask for help, guidance or assistance. i refused to acknowledge that i need Him despite the fact that i respect Him as God by acknowledging that He exists and that He is the Almighty. other than that, i wont do anything else, like worship Him.

back then, i was thinking that i was born in this world and im going to get by in this world on my own. im not going to pray and ask for anything. thats one reason why i stopped going to church. i felt that people go to church to ask for help. they keep going to God to give them what they think they need or what they want. i found that repulsive. if they want or need help, they should help themselves or ask for help from another person. then i started thinking if this is the idea of religion then i want none of it. it breeds dependence and worthlessness. it makes man weak yet religion makes them think he is strong. thats why it made sense to me when Marx said that religion is the opiate of the people. religion destroys or weakens the idea of self-improvement by mere reliance on divine help. that having faith can overcome any of man's problems. but how can that be when it doesnt empower man? religion doesnt really empower people, it just asks them to endure and continue to have faith.

i was imagining that all the people i see in church, praying, kneeling and worshipping, were all asking for help and not one of them would be thanking God for anything, even the simple breeze that comforts them while they sit on their pews. i thought that humans have the tendency to remember God only when they are in an unfortunate situation and forget God during good times. well, i was a highschool student. i was arrogant (well i still am) and quick to jump into conclusions when i think that my arguments are sound and logical. so its not really the church at first that made me stop attending mass. its the people who attend mass. they always have this sad look on their faces. or they look obligated. i dont think i saw someone who goes to church to say thank you or just attend mass to truly worship God without expecting anything in return. but then again, i was relying on mere observation and i only see the people from the outside. i have no idea what they were thinking. so i might be mistaken to make the assumption.

then i started thinking about the church itself, the catholic church. i didnt like the way it was being run. i said to myself back then, the way things were going, the church wasnt really reaching the catholics or making a "holy" impact compared to the days when the catholic church was a very powerful entity that commands respect. i see churches that are vandalized and dirty. some churches have signs warning against littering and even the presence of criminals within the church grounds. i felt that the church should have a more imposing presence. it should create a sense of discipline among its followers. i wanted the church to restore its former glory. thats when i started theorizing that the church should be more politicized. i dont want the church putting up signs against littering and the presence of criminal elements. if people can do this to the church, it only means, for me, that they dont see it as a holy ground or at least a place that should be respected. i felt that the church has been too nice and lenient.

at first, life without God was ok. i felt i was efficient, effective and "fully functional" as a human being. i saw myself as a man of science ever since i was in grade school and at that time, i felt that science and philosophy are the only things that should be considered to improve one's self. years later, i realized that a life without God is a very mechanical existence. life seems to have no purpose at all. its just like i was just fulfilling a biological process. evolution really doest mean anything but survival of the fittest. but whats the purpose of surviving? thats when i realized that God and religion gives meaning to a person' s life. it gives people a reason to live, to survive. God breathes life into man's mechanical existence. thats when i conceded that i needed God in my life. but being the arrogant person that i am, prone to the sin of pride, i had to figure out a way to restore my faith. i mean, i had to do some rationalization and reasoning why i had to restore my faith. i had to convince myself why im reverting. it took years actually to get to where i am now. i started with stopping rejecting God in my life. then eventually (which took years), i had to bring back the worship part since having faith in God is not enough because although i acknowledged i needed help, i didnt really pray to God. then i obligated to make it a habit to go to chapel every week. then eventually i obligated myself to pray every night (i completed one full year, almost. i missed 2 nights because i forgot to pray because i was drunk or i didnt sleep at all). thats the farthest i have achieved until now. now, because of parent's insistence, im thinking of making it a habit to go to church and attend mass again on a regular basis. not sure if i can accomplish this. i still have problems with the church. the mass i attended earlier sounded like the priest was an advocate of augustine's teachings. im more of the aquinas follower. the good thing about augustine's teachings is that it can be used for building a christian army. well, maybe i dont remember my theology that well, but thats my impression back then. the orientation of augustine's teachings can be used to make soldiers out of christians if one teaches it in a certain manner and direct it to certain followers. anyway, im digressing yet again. point is, im thinking of taking the worship part on another level. i guess i wont be spending my sunday mornings sleeping until 10am.

Walking Around

this poem captures what i felt a few days ago. or maybe it captures more than that. the poem describes the state of mind im in at the moment.  well, if i define moment as something that i feel from time to time within the span of more or less a decade, then i guess its accurate to say that its the state of mind im in at the moment. i shouldnt be posting blog entries tonight. im sleepy, was pissed, tired and im just writing away without thinking. i should be posting entries on my other blog, not here. damn it. i just remembered i was supposed to do something. crap. im really messed up. and i wish im drunk or at least intoxicated to have a good reason to be messed up. 

Walking Around
by
Pablo Neruda
 
It happens that I am tired of being a man.
It happens that I go into the tailor's shops and the movies
all shrivelled up, impenetrable, like a felt swan
navigating on a water of origin and ash.

The smell of barber shops makes me sob out loud.
I want nothing but the repose either of stone or of wool.
I want to see no more establishments, no more gardens,
nor merchandise, nor glasses, nor elevators.

It happens that I am tired of my feet and my nails
and my hair and my shadow.
It happens that I am tired of being a man.

Just the same it would be delicious
to scare a notary with a cut lily
or knock a nun stone dead with one blow of an ear.
It would be beautiful
to go through the streets with a green knife
shouting until I died of cold.

I do not want to go on being a root in the dark,
hesitating, stretched out, shivering with dreams,
downwards, in the wet tripe of the earth,
soaking it up and thinking, eating every day.

I do not want to be the inheritor of so many misfortunes.
I do not want to continue as a root and as a tomb,
as a solitary tunnel, as a cellar full of corpses,
stiff with cold, dying with pain.

For this reason Monday burns like oil
at the sight of me arriving with my jail-face,
and it howls in passing like a wounded wheel,
and its footsteps towards nightfall are filled with hot blood.

And it shoves me along to certain corners, to certain damp houses,
to hospitals where the bones come out of the windows,
to certain cobbler's shops smelling of vinegar,
to streets horrendous as crevices.

There are birds the colour of sulphur, and horrible intestines
hanging from the doors of the houses which I hate,
there are forgotten sets of teeth in a coffee-pot,
there are mirrors
which should have wept with shame and horror,
there are umbrellas all over the place, and poisons, and navels.

I stride along with calm, with eyes, with shoes,
with fury, with forgetfuless,
I pass, I cross offices and stores full of orthopedic appliances,
and courtyards hung with clothes on wires,
underpants, towels and shirts which weep
slow dirty tears.

some people find it hard...

to not talk to someone when doing nothing. i mean, ive noticed some people just have to talk to someone. maybe its boredom or something else which forces them to start a conversation. probably with anyone. the reason for the probability is because even if i make myself appear as the non-conversational type (or not the type who talks to anyone or not talk to people im not close to), some people ignore it when they really have no choice. they try to start a conversation anyway. to no avail of course. they could throw all the opening statements they want and im just going to close it. i dont like small talk and i only engage in it when necessary. or when im in the mood. but its hard to catch me to be in the mood to talk. anyway, i just noticed that some people just have to talk to someone. its like getting stuck in a room with another person. im the one who can last for hours without talking and the other one cant last 30 seconds and will feel compelled to talk about anything just for the sake of having a conversation no matter how useless it is and very much a waste of brain cells. i think its more useful to make use of the brain cells to think of non-sensical stuff thats amusing than use it to talk to someone about stuff no one cares about.  

again, maybe im just tired and worn out. or im just expressing some form of arrogance because people think im this very nice guy. ive always believed that man is born evil and he spends his life trying to be nice. then my blockmate told me that i should speak for myself. well, i am speaking for myself. its a life long struggle to be nice actually, and its really frustrating that some people arent even trying. again, im digressing. its like digression night.

am i like a walking information desk?

ok, maybe not a walking information desk but an information desk person. lately (when i say lately, i mean past few months), people have been asking me very simple and basic questions. just stuff people ask. things they ought to know to get by with their daily activities. but the thing is, why ask me about it? do i look like a reliable source of information? well, looks like it because people ask me (no matter how much i try to discredit myself by showing an image of a stoner type of person who easily gets confused and very forgetful). i mean, why not ask their friends? im the guy who is not a member of any circle of friends, so why go to me for information when their friends ought to know the answer to their question? is it because they dont mind bothering me? or they have no idea that a lot of people are also doing the "let's ask tristan" thing. if theres anyone that should be asking questions to any one, it should be me, because i really dont have a friend that cares about my current affairs who would be knowledgeable of the stuff i ought to know and also, im the stupid guy! im at the bottom of the barrel so why ask me for information or even academic questions (well i answer anyway because whether i give a correct answer or not is favorable to me. i get it right, good for me. i get it wrong, good for me again because it makes me less reliable and i will receive less questions). maybe im just pissed tonight. and im really tired of being the go to guy of almost anyone i know (both at home and in school). sure, its just simple and basic questions but if theres a lot of people asking it, in an almost daily basis or every other day, it really gets tiring and annoying. especially for a person who wanted to be invisible months ago. people asking me stuff was fine at first but its been months. sometimes i wonder, why me? the person or people that they should be asking are their friends. and last time i checked, im not a really a "friend" in a sense that...well, i dont want myself to be called as a friend in the "intimate" sense, because im not that kind of friend, especially lately (lately, again, means past few months). im a friend because im not an enemy. thats it. im the type of friend who is only there when needed and not when wanted. i operate on the basis of need. if i feel im not needed, im gone the moment i get an opportunity. i will be back when im needed again. and right now, the people who are asking me stuff dont need me because they have other people to go to. they just find it more convenient to bother me i guess. maybe they consider me as afriend, and thats why they ask me. i dont think so. i compared my relationship with their relationship with their friends and it really appears to me that im not on the same level as their friends, so im not a "friend" in the intimate sense. i dont think i qualify as a friend actually when i look closely at the comparison of my relationship to their relationship with their friends. people use the term loosely so maybe im just a friend by way of desgination. im digressing. point is, im puzzled why people rely on me to answer their questions? i mean, isnt it risky? im one of the delinquent guys in town so what credibility do i have or at least a guarantee that i know the answer. maybe im just pissed and sleepy and stressed out.

temper, temper

maybe i do look like someone who easily gets angry. or look pissed. lately, people have been reacting that i have a temper when i answer back (even to simple non-debatable questions).

i admit i raise my voice and i get agitated but its not that im angry. a little pissed but what i want to happen is a little heated discussion. thats it. well, most people dont like it but i do. theres nothing like a heated discussion to jumpstart your day or before going to sleep. it ruins the atmosphere but then again, im miserable 24/7 and thats the only excitement i get in my very boring and monotonous life (well, there's the occasional distraction of getting myself absorbed in whatever captivating thoughts i have but its hard to think of one lately). or a heated discussion is the only way i can think of to make a conversation interesting. im not a fan of small talks. either i try to end it quickly or force something useful out of it.

i guess my "i dont fucking care" attitude is back in the frontlines.

walking contradiction version2

i admit that i contradict people just for the sake of contradicting them. its my idea of having fun sometimes. but sometimes, i play the devil's advocate and contradict people so they can polish their ideas or the logic of their statements or arguments. unfortunately, some people get offended when i do this. they think im just picking on them or harassing them or that i just refuse to listen thats why im muddling up the discussion.

when i contradict people so as to improve their arguments or statements, im not saying i know better. i may be completely clueless with the particular topic. the reason im contradicting them is because im not convinced. as simple as that. im not even saying that they are wrong or the arguments are flawed and should be discarded. im implying that the statements or arguments need improvement or need to be substantiated either by hard facts or good evidence. the more scientific the better. unless its not grounded on science, then pure logic thats hard to refute will suffice. that's simply what i mean when i contradict people. and again, some get offended because im implying that what they are saying is insufficient. well, what can i do, thats what appears to me. and if they happen to improve the statements or arguments, and contradict me, who benefits? besides, im the type who believes people shoul learn through experience. so even if i know a better argument, i will not disclose it. i will encourage the person to figure it out on his or her own. the most i can do is lead him or her to the right direction that would lead him or her to what i think is a better argument or statement. unfortunately, people easily get offended so i dont get the opportunity to point them to the right direction.

20 questions email...again!

this is the third time i received the email. first was back in february 2004. next was august of 2006. and now august of 2008. two year intervals. hmmm.

when i saw the email in my inbox, i said, "not again!". it made me paranoid because in the first two instances i received the email, something enters my life that just changes things. it is of such siginificant change that i would say its a chapter of its own (if i divided my life into chapters).

it might be just a coincidence that after receiving the email, i undergo some form of phase. or maybe the email just makes me aware of the changes that are happening. it doesnt necessarily induce it. and the changes usually involve emotions and relationships. maybe im just paranoid. i have no way of confirming this anytime soon. but it will happen within six months. so maybe it is just paranoia. wait. now that i metioned months, i just realized, the most crucial month of the change occurs on the sixth month. i mean, the definitive month while i am undergoing the phase is the sixth month. its not the month where the phase ends but its the most notable month. when i received the email on february 2004, something fucked up happened to me on august 2004. when i received the email on august 2006, something fucked up happened to me on february 2007. so should i watch out for february 2009? crap. paranoia galore.

was the eraserheads reunion concert worth it?

the eheads reunion concert was cut short because ely buendia was rushed to the hospital for health reasons (obviously. why rush to the hospital if not for health reasons or health related concerns?). they performed for about one hour and a half and sang15 songs.

so was it worth it? it depends.

for those cheap bastards like me who just stayed outside or cant afford to buy a ticket, its worth it if we went there just to hear Ely Buendia sing as an eraserhead, sing an ehead song and perform with his ehead bandmates, Raimund, Marcus and Buddy. just to hear the great eraserheads perform makes the reunion concert worth going to, even without seeing them (but of course, i wished i had the extra money to buy the ticket. i had enough money for the ticket, but its not extra money i could spend to buy one)

to those who stayed outside just to listen and find out who the hell are the eraserheads because they were too young to appreciate the eraserheads when they were still together, it depends if they were able to appreciate the eheads by listening to them live without seeing them. i doubt they were able to appreciate the band or even see the greatness of the band. most of them were just loitering there and making fun of each other and other people. its like, they just go to any concert just to hang out. it sort of ruins the atmosphere for those people who actually sing along with the band and even dance a little. im not one of those people. i was observing people while the eheads were performing. usually, its the crowd with the same age group as the eheads who have facial expressions of excitement and delight to hear the eraserheads perform again, who sing along with ely or dance to the beat of the songs. the younger crowd on the other hand were mostly just loiterers. when i say younger crowd, i mean those who look like they're currently highschool students (and dressed like emos). i guess thats the price of staying outside.

for those who bought tickets, regardless of the price, it depends again. if they were satisfied to simply see the eheads together again, its very much worth it. especially if its true that its the first, last and only eheads reunion concert. of course, there are those who doubt it. some say there might be another reunion concert, maybe even another eheads album. for me, its like asking too much given the relationship between the band members.

but i think some of those who bought tickets were a bit pissed or not satisfied because the concert was cut short. i overheard someone say that he is the one that should be hospitalized because of the unfortunate outcome of the concert. most of the people who were leaving the concert area was saying it was "bitin", including my sister (who by the way didnt buy a ticket). some would say it was a waste of money because halfway through the concert, there were still people lining up outside. by the time all of them got inside, it was already the 20 minute break. and after the 20 minute break, Ely didnt come back on stage anymore because he was rushed to the hospital. so there were people who bought tickets who werent able to see the eheads perform or if they were able to see them, probably saw them perform one or two songs. for P800, thats a waste of money for some people (unless of course, he or she is the kind of fan who is happy just to see the eheads perform together, especially if its true that its the last time they will perform together, then P800 might be worth it).

i guess there will be people who will hate Ely Buendia more because he is the reason why the Eheads Reunion Concert was cut short (like my siblings who are joking that Ely just wanted to leave). im not one of them. sure, ive grown to dislike Mr. Buendia because of the rumors that he is the cause of the break-up of the original eheads (he denies it of course but it appears to be "public knowledge" that Ely is the ehead member that is the least cooperative and appears to be the obstacle to the idea of a reunited eraserheads, thats what appears to me anyway so im not saying this is a conclusive presumption, its a disputable presumption). but credit has to be given to Ely Buendia for allowing the reunion to happen (this is assuming of course that he is indeed the one who doesnt approve that the eheads be reunited). aside from his health condition, his mother died recently. its really very difficult for him to let the concert push through under such circumstances. im not saying that im satisfied with the 15 song, 1 hour and 30 minute concert. im hoping there could be more of course. but since i didnt pay or buy a ticket, im not in a position to complain. and seeing or hearing them perform again is already an unforgettable experience. its just natural for fans to ask for more. what im saying is Ely Buendia should not be blamed for the unfortunate outcome of the reunion concert. maybe this wont happen. maybe the people who were ranting while walking out of the concert area were just stunned of the unfortunate outcome of the concert. well, these are just some people. no one can please everybody.

so was it worth it? for me just going there was worth it. but since i didnt buy a ticket, and listened to the performance for free, just going there to stand for an hour and half to hear them perform is very much worth it. but if i had a ticket, it depends. if i were able to see the entire concert or a substantial portion of it, its worth it. but if i were one of those who bought the ticket and didnt get to see them perform or saw them perform two to three songs, i would have a hard time deciding if i got my money's worth. its still possible to say its worth it but knowing that people has the same experience for free will make me think whether i should have bought a ticket. but then again, its me, and i have the tendency to have high expectations (or get the value of what i paid for)

Eheads reunion song list

1. alapaap
2. ligaya
3. sembreak
4. hey jay
5. harana
6. fruitcake
7. toyang
8. kama supra
9. kailan
10. huwag kang matakot
11. kaliwete
12. with a smile
13. shake yer head
14. huwag mo nang itanong
15. lightyears

too bad the reunion concert was cut short. i was hoping they would sing Overdrive, Poor Man's Grave, Huling El Bimbo, Maling Akala, Tindahan ni Aling Nena, Shirley, Run Barbi Run and Magasin.

how i ended up going to the eraserheads reunion concert

the eraserheads reunion concert pushed through on august 30, 8pm. but i didnt expect i would go there. why? because first, i didnt have a ticket. second, i didnt really have the time to go see the concert. or so i thought.

saturday morning of august 30, i knew its the long awaited day of august for many eheads fans. at this point, i wasnt even planning of going. although ive blogged a few days earlier that i wanted to go and see the eheads perform together, i also mentioned in that blog entry that i cant go due to the fact i have lots of stuff to do. the OLA class component for saturday afternoon may have been cancelled but my ADR class somehow nullified the class cancellation because of the assigned work that's due after one week. and assigned work that is due after a week really means that it will take a week to finish. so it meant that saturday night is the only time for me to rest. and going to a concert, although enjoyable, isnt really relaxing. so as of saturday morning, i had no plans of going to the eheads reunion concert.

during lunchtime, i texted two of my friends who were celebrating their birthdays. one of them was diana, who replied that i should go see the eheads reunion concert. i replied that i cant, i have lots of stuff to do.

for some reason, after diana's suggestion of "making time" to see the eheads reunion, i entertained the idea of going. so during IPL class (1pm), i asked jump if he has a ticket to the eheads concert. he said he doesnt have one but its possible to just stay outside the concert grounds. that didnt even cross my mind. so he started texting people who could possibly go with us. unfortunately, we're no longer college students who can just drop whatever we are doing to go some place else on such short notice. almost everyone was unavailable to go to the concert. so we decided to cancel our plan to go to the concert around 430 or 5pm.

unfortunately (or fortunately) for me, i told my siblings i was planning to go to the eheads concert even without a ticket. they thought the idea was stupid at first since whats the point of going there without seeing the eheads perform. although i could afford the ticket, i really dont want to spend money for it since i have lots of expenses for this semester (mostly because of OLA). i dont want to run out of funds. so as much as possible i dont want to buy a ticket. had i known the ticket price a week or two weeks before, i could have saved some money or allotted some of my allowance to buy the P1300 ticket (because i dont want the P800 ticket). thats impossible since the ticket price was announced within the week of the reunion concert. anyway, my siblings really wanted to go and they were willing to buy tickets too (so in effect, they just want a driver because i said im not going to buy a ticket or maybe they know i have enough money to buy a ticket and will force me to buy one once were there). so even if i said im no longer going, they tried to convince me to go to the concert by playing eheads songs and by talking about the eheads while telling me from time to time to go to the concert with them. my brother was always checking the music channels whether they were playing music videos of the eheads. and we were able to see a video of "alapaap" in MTV. and then i told them i dont know how to go to Bonifacio Global City. i need a navigator if im going to drive there. my brother has two words for me, "google earth". i said no but eventually, i decided to check anyway. since i reformatted my hard disk last May or June, google earth was no longer installed in our PC, so i used wikimapia. and when i saw that it wasnt that difficult to go to the concert area, i finally said we will go but in case we get lost (because im just relying on wikimapia and ive never driven there), we will head back home and just rent a DVD and eat fast food. they said ok. so off we went to the concert area. it was already 6pm.

we got there around 7pm. we didnt get lost. i guess i still have good navigation skills. and i make use of the Dirk Gently style of navigation. its simply following the car in front of you which appears to know where it is going. i followed a jeepney when i no longer have road signs to follow. when i saw what appeared to be concert lights, i just took the roads which will lead me to it. and then i followed a car which looked like it was going to park somewhere. luckily, it was indeed going to park somewhere and i ended up lining up for a car park. its not very near the concert grounds but its "reasonably near". and it was 7pm already. most likely its hard to park anywhere nearer. anyway, luckily again, when we got the parking ticket, the parking attendant started informing the guard to stop accepting cars since the parking lot is already full. whew! seems like luck is with me again. they accepted three more cars after us. we were able to park the "mystery machine" by 730pm. 30 minutes before showtime.

we then checked the ticket booth. the tickets are now priced at P844 and P1300 plus. there are still a lot of people buying tickets. i told my siblings we should wait and see whether its good to buy a ticket. it was almost 8pm. if we were going to buy a ticket, it might not be practical since first, there's a very long line which means that the concert might start and were still in line and second once we get in, it might be too crowded already. the only way the ticket will be worth it is if staying outside is totally worthless. so we loitered outside for a while. when the concert started, it wasnt that bad. you can hear the eheads perform. you can see the stage effects and the screen. you can see ely buendia but not the other eheads (it was like watching him perform on the opposite side of the sunken garden (educ building) from malcolm building or maybe nearer. thats the bad thing about being outside, you dont have the view of the Eraserheads. at least its not that crowded. there's a crowd outside too but there's space to move. and the crowd outside isnt fun to be with.

so thats how i ended up listening to the eheads reunion concert.