Imagine a world without God

i need to wake up and stop ignoring the God awful shitty mess im in. it might be making things easy but its not solving the problem. ignoring it wont change the reality that im going to crash and burn for the nth time. sure ill bounce back but every time i fall down, i cant bounce back as high as before. and im starting to feel the pressure being generated by this mess. and i hate the fact thats its almost breaking me but it never does. always close to the breaking point but it never quite reaches it. how annoying can it get?

right now, i dont know how some people can still think i have a bright future ahead of me. how strangers can tell to me that i will become someone great. i wish they would stop saying such annoying things. im not a gullible person nor stupid enough to think thats possible with where im heading. i dont know how people can still continue to have faith in me.

im trying to kill the blind optimism inside of me. its not doing me any good.

i think i am losing what's left of my mind

aim high.

 if you miss the mark, plummet then plunge. then rinse and repeat until you reach the astronomically high and the abysmally low.


Asok: My relatives want me to have an arranged marriage.

Wally: If they find someone who's totally hot and has low standards, ask if she has a sister.

Asok: What about love?

Wally: How can you not love THAT?

L-O-V-E's just another word i never learned to pronounce

im amazed that people still think im capable of loving another person. some people still expect that something will happen. that this love thing is for everybody. isnt it obvious that im not capable of such thing? its my defect, its my disability. i will admit that there might be something wrong with me (note, i said "might") but thats just the way i am. im a very rational (and self-centered) person and the irrational just doesnt work for me. i find it hard to deal with the irrational. the realm of the rational is my comfort zone and i will never go out of this zone for the simple reason that there's no point exploring outside its realm. so please, stop pestering me with nonsense and just accept the fact that people like me exist. im really getting tired of explaining and answering "why" questions that im surprised to learn happen to be really irrelevant and a waste of brain cells. i used to think all "why" questions are questions worth answering. im just really annoyed right now.

i should work in a casino

i just thought of a "game" to make life a bit interesting. i thought of it when i remembered harold crick categorizing and jotting down whether the stuff that happens to him is a tragedy or a comedy. of course, its boring to just categorize things to find out whether im in a tragedy or a comedy. so in the game that i thought of, what i would do is, make my life either as a tragedy or comedy depending on life's response. this somehow makes use of the concepts of fate and free will. well, more of the exercise of free will based from fate. well, its more of a game of chance followed by an exercise of free will.

anyway, the game goes like this:

so im bored. i see something like a car about to reach an intersection. if it goes left, i do something that will screw my life. like, flunk an exam. if it goes right, i will do the opposite, meaning do something to improve my life, like aim for a perfect score. if it goes straight and not make a turn, then i do what im in the mood to do when the exam comes. so thats three choices dependent on what will happen. of course, thats the simplest explanation. being the person that i am, it will never be as simple as that. i will make it very complicated, like inducing something to happen or trying to elicit a response from a group of people and try to come up with a general assessment whether its a positive or negative response. of course, this isnt an original idea. people do this all the time. its even based from the coin toss practice. only difference is, i make it more complicated and my future is on the line. well, not really. since i dont care about my future anymore, i cant really say my future is on the line. im just bored and i just want to do things. unfortunately, im afflicted with this unknown disease where i need a reason to do things. sadly, there is no cure for it but to do idiotic things like coming up with this stupid yet surprisingly interesting (well, a bit interesting) game. at least i can conduct social experiments and get to use my social environment in making decisions based on chance.

5 more pounds...

and ive gained the 25 pounds ive lost since 2008. it took me more than a year to lose 25 pounds. i gained 20 pounds since september. that cant be right. well, last august 2009, my weight was 145 pounds (when i graduated from college back in 2004, i was around 150-155 pounds). now, i weigh at 165. the weighing scale must be defective. or im really gaining weight really quickly. i never thought i can gain this much weight in just a few months. wait, i think i have thought that i can gain weight quickly (the same way i can lose 5 pounds overnight). i proposed a bet years ago that i can gain 10 pounds in a month. well, there were no takers. so im going to test myself whether i really can gain at least 10 pounds in a month. today is the 24th of january. by the 24th of february, my weight must be at least 175. this is a challenge for someone who loses weight quickly.

wow, im talking about my weight. life must be extremely boring lately. or very uneventful.

chained to being unchained

im starting to hate the fact that i moved on when i shouldnt have. oh well. its another addition to my accumulating losses. now that i think about it, its weird that i find it difficult not to move on. maybe im too used to failure. yeah sure i dwell on some stuff sometimes but i dont really get stuck. i just keep moving forward...or backward...or sideways. the thing is, i always move. im stuck on not being stuck. if i do appear to be stuck, its an illusion. there's always something brewing behind the scenes. i think this is the curse of people who always plan too far ahead

how?

how can people operate on a daily basis with only three hours of sleep? i slept around 5am and woke around 8am. right now, im trying not to fall asleep. but its pointless to stay awake since my brain cant function and be productive.

the perfect way to snare a girl with daddy issues

I love How I Met Your Mother

the dance/musical for the 100th episode "girls v suits"



i also liked the guest star Stacy Keibler. unfortunately, Michelle Mccool is my favorite WWE Diva, followed by Tori Wilson, then Stacy Keibler. but i guess the first two wont pass as hot bartender for the episode.

Girls versus Suits (HIMYM S5E12)

"you never know when youre about to meet someone really important. its not like life gives you a warning. you just look up and there they are" - Future Ted Mosby 

"its funny. sometime you walk into a place youve never been before. but you get the feeling youre exactly where youre supposed to be" - Future Ted Mosby

funny people

i heard a rumor just now that if proven to be true will confirm everything i thought will happen. it would further convince me that i do have a good sense of foresight. and it will also convince me that i have indeed figured out where my life is headed and my attitude towards it is just appropriate. if this rumor is true...i have seen everything and life just became as boring as lint.

the most i can do is try to amuse myself with the details.

phoenix philosophy

in my december 29, 2008 blog post, i said that my theme for 2009 will be "i dont want to survive, i want to live/let go and simply live". i think i was able to partially do this for 2009.

what can i say about the year 2009?  i remember that during the first 2 weeks of january 2009, i was really motivated in taking my studies seriously and preparing myself for life after law school. like i said in 2008, my plans were taking shape and i intended to start executing it in 2009. i spent 2008 preparing myself for the life that i have chosen to take. 2009 was supposed to be the year that i apply what i have prepared myself for. well, life is filled with surprises. something happened in mid-january that made me completely contradict myself. the months of preparation were quickly placed in the backseat and i allowed to happen something that ive always avoided from happening. this something lasted for more or less a couple of months. in that short period, it made me experience happiness and made me want it too. it made me live my life differently. it also gave me a reason to wake up every day. unfortunately, in the end, there was the realization of truly wanting it but not being wanted at the same time. having these two realizations cant exist together. even if that was the case, its not something i will regret. it made me contradict myself. in a way, i lost myself to it. but in this experience of losing myself made me gain something out of it. like the rolling stone's song that was sung in the last episode of Glee (if im not mistaken), you cant always have what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.

right after this something ended, i started my insane attempt to take the bar exams. even if during 2008 i accepted the fact already that i wont be taking the 2009 bar exams, i suddenly forced the idea of trying to take it. i enrolled in the arellano bar review program and moved in a studio type apartment located near arellano, along taft avenue. i also took two subjects in arellano law. it kept me busy for two months. by june, i already knew that taking the 2009 bar wont happen. this is when i started looking for employment. three weeks later, i got myself hired in CODE-NGO. thanks to 2 college blockmates that informed me of the opening and referred me to the NGO. it kept me busy until the 2nd semester of school year 2009-2010 started.

it was also in june that i was able to confirm something ive always thought would happen. i am convinced that i have a good sense of foresight.

anyway, being busy is really not my thing. i would always opt to be idle and do nothing. i dreamed of being a bum. but 2009 kept me busy, especially during its latter half. its in its latter half that i started getting myself back on track. its also in this latter half that made me see that life can be really weird (aside from being incredibly harsh with its annoying sense of humor. i mean, no matter how you plan your life, life can bring surprises that can either be good or nasty that would disrupt the plans). but at least its nice enough to give me something good from time to time, like a wonderful distraction. the only thing that can pull me out of my busy life and prevent me from suffering from burn out.

so in 2009, I lived, loved, lost and learned, i enrolled in another law school (making me a cross-enrollee/cross-registrant), i enrolled in a bar review program, i finally got myself employed, i became a working student, i experienced not being able to graduate on time, i had an apartment to myself, lost my cellphone to a pickpocket, attended three wakes (mother of a law school blockmate, great grandmother of a law school blockmate and Corazon Aquino's), attended my cousin's wedding (just two days ago. so its three wakes and a wedding. i think i'll rent four weddings and a funeral), got myself in a fender bender involving a BMW, did seven regional consultation workshops, one national conference, one FGD, and one information forum as part of my work duties (something i never thought i will do), finally bought a bouquet of flowers for someone for valentine's day (something that i always think of doing but never managed to do. so i didnt get to use the "i was supposed to buy you one but...i forgot/the shops were closed/its too cliche" line), became a coffee shop person (the reason i bought a coffee maker is because i dont want to study in coffee shops!), got married to my laptop (because i always bring it everywhere i go. even to the beach), i started smoking again, got drunk very often (so often that i dont like to drink beer anymore), took a removal exam, met someone i thought was inevitable i would meet, attended a ball, bought myself a suit, attended SFC meetings (wasnt able to finish it), liked another tv program called Glee, wasnt able to watch all the movies i listed i planned to watch in 2009 but i think i was able to watch half of it, got addicted to mafia wars in facebook, a college blockmate gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and another college blockmate got engaged to a tv personality, i didnt notice my birthday that much since i was really busy and i spent the entire christmas day home alone. 

2009, i think, is primarily a year of big losses and small victories. whatever doesnt kill me simply makes me stranger.

whats my plan for 2010? move forward, get rid of weaknesses and never look back. not sure if i will take the metaphorical leap like the one in HIMYM. it depends on the opportunities i will be able to generate and the stuff life will throw at me this time. now if something happens again this january, life should be able to come up with something new or something creative. im going to use 2010 to make up for lost time so i would really strive not to deviate anymore from what i have planned.

i hope someday...

i can remotely access desktops and external hard disks with a laptop. i need to look into some files stored in the office PC and the office external hard disk. until i can do that...some stuff will have to remain as pending tasks.

im not a workaholic. i just dont have time to be idle.

im in tagaytay right now. while my family and relatives are thinking of how they will spend the day, having nothing to do wont be my problem for today (and for the next coming months). i slept around 1:30am last night, doing some stuff i can do after a tiring day yesterday. it wasnt much but at least i was able to do something. i woke up around 730 am today. after having breakfast, im back working on the stuff im doing. for sure, im going to drop anything im working on tonight by 11pm. will resume it tomorrow afternoon. 

crap

i have insomnia! and i have a schedule to keep. i only have a few days left before the year ends. i still have lots of stuff to do. im too tired to read more law school stuff, do some research for work and do the other stuff i need to do. besides, i cant stay up this late when classes and work start again. why the hell do i have to have this insomnia now? well, insomnia or no insomnia, i will have to stick to the schedule. i wont finish things in time if i adjust it. damn it. i hate this sleep disorder.

simple pleasure

the take over, the breaks over

a few years ago, my cousin commented that she never treated me like a baby. although she remembers me as being a hyperactive kid, she said the next thing she knew i was too "old" to be treated like a baby because i grew up too quick. so she never did treat me like one. even if she was seven years older than me, she always saw me as someone who acted more mature for my age (and she somehow made me feel that i have some ascendancy over her). she said to me more than a decade ago (after a heated argument with me) that sometimes she forgets that im just a kid and treats me as someone who should act as if im in the same age group as her. she did treat me like one. well, thats how she saw me. i dont think my other cousins see me this way. im still regarded as someone who knows a lot about nothing and has proven nothing. i havent done anything concrete that's worth recognizing.

anyway, a college blockmate also made a similar comment. that i was someone mature and she never thought i would be friends with some childish person.

i think the mistake in their perception lies in their interpretation or equating my seriousness with maturity. im simply just a very serious person. i dont loosen up. i dont relax. i dont have fun. i am an extremely inhibited being (there's only a handful of people who can make me loosen up and have seen me loosen up. and it doesnt involve getting intoxicated).

its not that i dont know how to have fun. its just i dont feel like having fun anymore. my idea of a fun party is when the night becomes a blur and i wake up having no idea how i got there or who i was with. last time that happened was way back in 2004. since 2004, the "party animal" in me slowly faded away. now, i dont like to drink beer as much as i did back in 2004 (when drinking beer was almost a weekly thing). i dont even like the taste of beer anymore (there was a time that i get teary eyed when i drink an ice cold bottle of beer after months of not being able to drink one). now, i only attend social gatherings which i think are necessary or where i have a purpose for attending because i dont have free time anymore (i attended a dinner recently and i asked the people with me if there's a purpose for the gathering. they said its just a dinner and because we havent seen each other for quite some time. my reaction was, "really? thats it?" sometimes i ask myself what the hell is wrong with me). now, i think im too old for parties. ive said no to a lot of fun activities and out of town opportunities (thats not work related) this year (well, the latter half of the year at least). i never stop thinking of the things i ought to do or accomplish. i guess with this level of seriousness, people think i act too old for my age. at 26, im really starting to think im too old to do fun stuff. im starting to think like ted mosby in Season 4 episode 19. but then again, i am 26. that is old. so maybe i am acting appropriately for my age.

the comment made by my cousin entered my head when i realized what i was doing. its the 26th of december (in a few minutes it will be the 27th) and im reading the philippine general banking law and planning the work i need to do in the next few days before the classes and work start in january. thats all i think about recently. i never thought i would be this kind of person. maybe im the one who has a wrong perception.

its 1:30 am

and im craving for chicken wings! i cant think of a place where i can get me some.

the object of my aversion

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so much
It makes you sorry
Still you don't regret a single day.

When I think of all the times I've tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry;
And she promises the earth to me
And I believe her
After all this time I don't know why

She's the kind of girl who puts you down
When friends are there, you feel a fool.
When you say she's looking good
She acts as if it's understood.
She's cool

Was she told when she was young that pain
Would lead to pleasure?
Did she understand it when they said
That a man must break his back to earn
His day of leisure?
Will she still believe it when he's dead?

thank God for K

i cant believe im going to say this but...i need more time. i need more time to do the things i need to do. a lot of people have told me to take a break but i just cant stop. im tired but i still keep working on things i need to work on. not that im always working (and when i say work, i dont only mean the stuff i do where im currently employed, it includes stuff related to law school and other stuff that i need to accomplish like responsibilities and commitments). i take breaks. but those breaks are really more of gaps between the many stuff i do. the breaks i take arent really time spent on unwinding. right now, im thinking of christmas day as a day thats getting in the way of getting things done. and the christmas break is some extra time i can use to catch up with other stuff ive neglected (but right now, im thinking, the time i have is not enough. maybe i did lose a whole year). i now have 260 unread emails and i dont even know if i will have time to sit down and read them. sleep is the only thing i look forward to at the end of the day. good food and good music prevents me from becoming irritable. other than these things, theres my sweet little distraction that gives me the energy to last another week. oh, and there's FMA, NS and HIMYM. there's also MW in facebook. 

i need to calm down, breathe slowly and then sleep. but thats hard to do when my mind just wont stop thinking. im planning of watching a movie tomorrow but at the same time im planning what productive things i can do before and after the movie to maximize my day. i just need to make sure that each day wont be a wasted on useless stuff. whatever happened to the lazy bum in me? each day, i just become more serious.

ive got the eye of thundera

wow, its already the 16th. i managed to finish another year. well, almost. i doubt the remaining days of the year will make me change my mind or change how i feel about this year. i really dont like this year. the bad things really outweigh the good things that came my way. if i take a closer look at the things that happened to me this year, the best thing that happened to me was being given a good distraction in the form of a sweet and addictive type of rice. haha. and being a distraction, its supposed to be temporary. all good things must come to an end i guess. im going to miss my sweet little distraction. the next best thing that happened is employment. in effect, by letting go of the best thing that happened to me this year, there's really nothing good that happened this year that i will carry next year (except the employment thing). im going to abandon everything about this year at the stroke of midnight come 2010. 2010 isnt looking good either. but at least im going to make sure i learn from my experiences this year.

next year is starting to take shape. i hate it when i know more than i should by seeing things ahead. i also hate it when im always right about things (or how things will be). right now, i will try to focus on the christmas break which is a time for me to get a lot of things done. seeing too far ahead is really not giving me anything good. 

bang bang shoot shoot nurse = happiness

"On this day of your life, Tristan, we believe God wants you to know ... that every moment is an opportunity for you to be happy.
    
You know how sometimes it seems that life is just throwing you one curved ball after another? Well, guess what, - you have a great way to respond! - you can use every opportunity, every single one, to be happy. Don't just take a shower - feel into and receive pleasure from the water on your skin. Don't just walk on the street - enjoy the fragrances of the trees and the flowers on your way. Don't just drive your car - sing karaoke to your favorite radio station."


really? i have a great way to respond? what is happiness? for some, happiness is someone. for me, its is a state of a mind. its a choice. maybe i do have a great way of responding. 

im going to be 42 by january 2010

i was planning on finally retiring from a life i used to live and enjoy (i enjoyed it to a certain extent). its been probably 5 or 6 years ago since i truly engaged in this kind of life. i found peace in this kind of life but there's no real future in it. the social set-up doesnt really favor such a life. thats why ive been thinking of finally ditching it. ive been planning lately what kind of life to live for the next few years (im leaning in favor of living a shallow and meaningless life because its simpler. ive had enough of the deep and meaningful stuff. in the end it wont really matter to anyone anyway what life i lived). and this life im referring to now isnt really something i would like to have. i may have enjoyed it before but i doubt im going to enjoy it now with the level of awareness ive achieved. its going to be a struggle to find peace again. and ive changed a lot since then so i might not be as effective and as good as before. certainly im not as sharp as before. my sense of perception isnt as keen as it used to.

well, im being called out of retirement. im flattered because despite years of being inactive, some still have faith in my abilities, with what i can do, with what i can offer and contribute. im never a disappointment to those who really believe that i can do what they expect me to do. thats why even if engaging in this kind of life was not one of the options im considering, im getting myself out of retirement just because i was asked to and i was convinced that im needed. if someone else could do it, i could have easily said "no thank you. im out of the game. im too rusty to play again". 

why am i depriving myself of rest? ive been aging too fast and now im going to age faster with the things and situations im getting myself in. and i just realized now that i need some spare time to engage in this life to do it properly. damn it. where the hell am i going to get that? well, i will just have to rely more on past experience and hope it works because aside from not having enough time, a lot of brain cells have died since then. if i fail to pull this off, its going to really convince me to retire for good.

from facebuko.com

One meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it.

Everything is determined, the beginning as well as the end, by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect, as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper. - Albert Einstein

Fate is what happens to you when your luck runs out. - Michael Garrett Marino

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.  - Sir Winston Churchill

easy to read

i get rashes when im stressed. i cough when im tired and ive reached my physical limit. i touch my lower lip with my right index finger when im asked and the answer isnt good or i dont know the answer. i look up when i suddenly wonder about something. i hum when i nervous.

handshake of carbon monoxide

as soon as you're born, you start dying

ive been thinking of the concept of "moving heaven and earth" for someone. for me its...senseless. even if someone moves heaven and earth for me, if i really dont like the person, that person wont get a shot. not even a slight chance. so she moved heaven and earth for me. so? i didnt ask her to (or if i did, i was just joking. or simply being mean). and i will admit that showing to me that she can move heaven and earth is quite a feat but again, so? is such an act supposed to make me fall for a person? if so, why? i really dont like the person. my mind wont change. nor will my feelings change. point is, some things are just plain impossible or will never happen (even if heaven and earth switch places. or hell freezes over). its like a fact of life. some things arent meant to be or supposed to happen. thats the way life is.

if her name is holly, ill be damned

...all that childhood fairy tale nonsense

i just finished watching 500 days of summer. after weeks of looking for someone to watch it with, i decided to just download it (i think its no longer in cinemas). and i just watched it now because im waiting for an album download to finish (Glee: The Music Volume 1).

so what do i think? well, now i understand the people's comments (ranging from cute to disappointment). the movie as a whole is...ok. it is an offbeat romcom. its not a torture to watch like the Dragonball movie or Pathfinder or D-Wars. i dont think ive ever seen a romcom that was so horrible that i couldnt bear watching it again. i certainly dont find it addictive (like 50 First Dates, Terminator2, Transformers, Stranger than Fiction, The Wedding Singer, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Forgetting Sarah Marshall). its not horrible by the way. its really just...ok. its likeable. maybe my problem with it is that its too realistic. if i wanted something real, i would just go do it or live it myself. maybe im not in the mood for something real.

as for the characters, i think summer is wise and tom is an idiot. why cant more women be like summer? well, because if there were more summers, the world has to deal with more toms and that sucks. there are lots of idiot guys. some jerks turn into idiots when they think theyve found the one. im not even sure if there is such a thing. when i hear the one, two characters come into mind: Neo from the Matrix and Duncan Macleod, the Highlander. the latter isnt really the one but it just comes to mind because "there can be only one".

i keep digressing...

i think tom was a good portrayal of what guys undergo...well, idiotic guys undergo after a break-up (but i like Forgetting Sarah Marshall portrayal better). why is tom an idiot? because his expectations arent aligned with reality and summer had to say this to make him realize he's being an idiot: "You weren't wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me." but then again, thats what made it realistic. you can be absolutely right about something but entirely wrong about someone. thats what makes it painful to accept. its not being wrong per se but being half right and half wrong. i think its easier to accept that one is completely wrong than be half right and half wrong because chances are, if one thinks he or she is half-right, it doesnt usually follow that he or she thinks that he or she is half-wrong. i think we have an inclination to focus more on being right than being wrong. and i dont think its common for us to think that we can be both. right and wrong. anyway, being in the half-half state is like finally having something perfect to give but the person you want to receive it wouldnt want to receive it for the simple reason that its the wrong person. and that wrong person is right in thinking that. i guess thats what sucks about it. i wouldnt really know. this is a "missing piece" by shel silverstein situation and i dont have a missing piece because im a big o. yes, i still insist that im a big o despite the objections.

this is my favorite line in the movie:
Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

a few years ago, a female friend said its difficult to dump guys. my reaction was like "really? why? isnt it as simple as saying no? youre pretty, you can get away with things." well, now i understand why its not that simple and why some resort to cliche break up lines. but i think its better to just say it straight the way summer did. its painful but its clear, its honest, its truthful. if one cant do this, i guess it makes sense to just...disappear without a trace. i think thats a clear sign too.

i dont get this:
Summer: I named my cat after Springsteen.
Tom: Cool... what was his name?
Summer: Bruce.

is there any other answer than Bruce?

lastly, this is why i think Summer is wise, because of her awareness of this:
Tom (on summer's previous relationships): what happened? why didnt they work out?
Summer: What always happens. life.

i think Tom should adopt Robin's approach in How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Episode 8: The Playbook. thats how life is. it happens. the only way life wont happen is if youre prepared for everything life can bring. when there's nothing life can surprise you with. in such situtations, the only thing left to do is wait for life to stop. ive been told before that this is how life is. this is how it operates and i agree. i believe that life does happen when its supposed to happen.

i feel really old

reality bites

Lelaina: I was really going to be somebody by the time I was 23.
Troy: Honey, all you have to be by the time you're 23 is yourself.
Lelaina: I don't know who that is anymore.
Troy: I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again, but I love her.
***
Lelaina: I'd like to somehow make a difference in people's lives.
Troy: And I... I would like to buy them all a Coke.
Lelaina: And you wonder why we never got involved?
***
Troy: I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.
***
Lelaina: I just don't understand why things just can't go back to normal at the end of the half hour like on the Brady Bunch or something.
Troy: Well, 'cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Things don't turn out like that.

Guilt is like a bag of fuckin' bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down.

"Pressure. It changes everything. Pressure. Some people, you squeeze them, they focus. Others fold. Can you summon your talent at will? Can you deliver on a deadline? Can you sleep at night?" - John Milton

**********

John Milton: Free will, It's like butterfly wings. One touch and it never gets off the ground. I only set the stage. You pull your own strings

**********

John Milton: What did I say to you? WHAT WERE MY WORDS TO YOU? Maybe it was your time to lose. You didn't think so.

Kevin Lomax: Lose? I don't lose! I win! I win! I'm a lawyer, that's my job, that's what I do!

John Milton: I rest my case. Vanity is definitely my favorite sin. Self-love, it's so basic. It's not like you didn't care for Mary Ann, Kevin. You were just a little more involved with someone else: yourself.

Kevin Lomax: You're right. I did it all. I let her go.

John Milton: Don't be too hard on yourself, Kevin. You wanted something more.

Kevin Lomax: I let her go and just kept on moving.

**********

Kevin Lomax: Why the law? Cut the shit, Dad! Why the lawyers? Why the law?

John Milton: Because the law, my boy, puts us into everything. It's the ultimate backstage pass. It's the new priesthood, baby. Did you know there are more students in law school than lawyers walking the Earth?

**********

John Milton: Free will, it is a bitch.

sunny friday

Im not sure if it was april 10 or april 14...i think it was April 10, 2000. it was April 10, 2000 that i submitted my requirements in the admission office of ateneo to signify my intent to enroll as one of its new students for the school year 2000-2001. i wasnt excited. i wasnt disappointed either. ateneo's not bad. it just so happened that i wasnt planning to study in ateneo. i submitted those requirements a few days before the deadline. i think the deadline was April 14. i was still trying to think if there were other ways for me to be accepted in UP or UST. thats why when i submitted my requirements in ateneo, i felt that i was already running out of time and running out of options. i was thinking that maybe its in ateneo im supposed to end up.

the reason i remembered that day was because of today's sunny day. its a really sunny friday today and this bright and somewhat cheerful sunshine somehow resembles that day i set foot on ateneo to declare my intention to be its student. i just realized that it must have been a beautiful day that day. i just didnt notice because then things werent going as i wanted things to be.

having days like this, an atmosphere that resembles a similar atmosphere in a memorable past makes me feel that time is indeed an illusion

freak on a leash

"im appointing you as my assistant. i want you to protect my back. do you understand? if im leaving you in charge of defending my back, it means you can shoot me from behind at any time. if i ever stray from my path, shoot me right away with those hands.you have that right. will you follow me?" - Roy Mustang

im running out of time. im running out of options. one person can only do so much. i already made my decision. i just dont know how it can be done exactly with the little time remaining because of the delays incurred. with what happened recently, i think luck isnt on my side. i doubt a miracle will happen. damn it. i have to do everything myself. really bothersome.

too good to be true

i was wrong. life wasnt making a change in its course, it was actually adjusting mine. sneaky, sneaky. well, at least its still doing what i thought it will do. only this time, im not in favor of what its doing (as usual and as expected) and its not the course i want to take.

interesting

it seems life is changing its course. its trying not to do things the way ive foreseen it or the way i expected it will do. its like playing chess or a game of cards and the opponent suddenly breaks its old style of playing the game. youre a sneaky little bastard life. but by changing its course, as of this moment, its running along the path i want it to take. so it makes me wonder if life is finally giving in or it has another trick up its sleeve. in any case, its making things interesting. and im already in my third week of being in a good mood. a bit bored but at least not in a foul mood.

delightful

i still havent seen the movie...

i liked the hopscotch part...

what i realized in this video is how physically unfit ive become. joseph gordon levitt lifted zooey deschanel so easily during the latter part of the video. i struggle lifting a girl 5-6 inches shorter than but with the same build as zooey deschanel! i really need to exercise.

give me five!

its been two weeks that ive been in a "good" mood. thats really something. and this week, life somehow made things a bit...interesting and intriguing.

a flat tire last monday changed my usual routine that lead me to a situation that was quite nice.

and last tuesday, a weird incident made me wonder of life's sense of humor.

as for wednesday, it brought to my attention that sometimes, its the unexpected that's more reliable.

and today, thursday, made me think of how serious i am of the things i say or i have said.

now i doubt life can go for five days in a row. it either has to bring someone new or bring someone from a past that ive decided to forget. i dont think it can pick anyone anymore from the current line-up. coming up with four is something i never thought it could pull off. sorry life, you have to give me five in order for me to consider the offer. its because im greedy and im hoping to jinx it before it can even start. and if you really are serious with your offer, dont push things my way, shove it. letting things happen over and over again really gets boring.

Tasogare

The Pervy Sage: Getting dumped makes a man stronger. And if he's not able to laugh it off, he won't be able to fulfill his duties as a man. At least joke about it.

Tsunade: So a man's duty is to be strong?

The Pervy Sage: you could put it that way. besides, men arent supposed to pursue stuff like happiness.

Tsunade: stop trying to act so cool. if women werent around, there'd be no one to dump your ass.

The Pervy Sage: so true.

Note to Self

one way not to break a promise is...by not making one. i managed to keep all the promises ive made and i never make promises i cant keep. i would like to keep it that way.

i dont want a cellmate, i want a beautiful cell...or pretty warden

i just realized that one of the important traits i unconsciously look for was a girl's ability to become my cell. i need to feel that she can restrain me when necessary. thats the only time i can relax and loosen up. i need a cell in order to become myself and be truly free. thats...weird. but thats what i realized just now. now i understand my enumeration back in college of what i look for and constitute my perfect girl. i thought it was just my thing to find a girl who can do this or knows that but now i realize that i wanted someone who can stop me from losing control. or can guarantee i wont be in full control. now i understand my excuse a few years ago. why do i keep forgetting things like these? thats why im posting it. so in the future, i will have this nagging thought that the answer is somewhere in this blog.

google me

The shadowy side of Sagittarius can be a dreadful name-dropper and groupie...[T]he Sagittarian shadow likes to be where it's all happening, and with the people that it's all happening to; and somehow, with his marvelously intuitive nose, he manages to be in the right restaurant at the right time and meets the right person. One of Sagittarius' gifts is the ability to make contacts and spot opportunities. This gift is put to service of the Sagittarian shadow when the archer uses other people as his opportunities, and drops them when they're not useful...[T]he really good groupies, the ones who managed to build a veritable career out of basking in somebody else's limelight, were usually the Sagittarians.

good thing i read this article now and made me realize that ive become a dreadful name-dropper and a very subtle groupie. now that i think about it, i didnt become a name-dropper, ive always been a name-dropper. i just didnt notice it. just another one of the inherent traits i have to be mindful of and try to restrain.

Note to Self

i have to constantly remind myself to never assume that the other person is on the same page. especially someone from the opposite sex. they just think too differently.

this note to self is so bothersome but somewhat necessary to avoid miscommunication...and the troublesome explanations that come after

its funny that two people can talk and think they're understanding each other and suddenly in the end the realization theyre not on the same page right from the beginning. annoying but shit happens. i find more troublesome the clarification part where both sides try not to admit that it was really the fault of both parties. or try to make it appear one party is more at fault than the other.

FMA 3rd Opening Theme

Cant focus. My body is still puzzled about what to do. im trembling. i cant stop even if i try to control myself. although neither sun nor moon are on my side, "ive no choice but to try." those were the words i muttered to myself. the odds arent on my side, but running away would be gutless. even if i cant see the future, ill just have to win it over with courage. i need to keep distance from the target as i hold myself back. all thats needed for victory is the pride to win. will we celebrate with the wine of victory or will we end up kissing their feet in defeat? there are two outcomes to everything. i want to control destiny. i need to seize the golden opportunity with my hands. i will finish it up with my best poker face, and drag them into a world of illusions. i will find my way out of this endless pressure game, and leap over the borderline of honor. but what will i need to sacrifice to make it happen? what is one thing i dont want to let go?

1528 messages deleted

"...the only question is whether we want to get on with our lives or desperately cling to the past" - Ted Mosby

i need to make room for work messages.

my sassy girl and sadako

when i get sad, i stop being sad and watch this instead

ready steady go

haha. thank you facebook for giving me a purpose. not an ultimate purpose but a purpose nonetheless. thank you for reminding me of one of my previous goals and now its time to pull myself together and get myself out of this losing streak. im a bit far behind (in time, money, experience and stature) and i dont know if i can remain in the race but i wont allow myself to lose now that i realized im not exactly out of the race yet. even if i get disqualified by circumstances, i ought to find a way to make sure i dont lose to this person. i should tap my competitive self to bring myself back on track and move on a faster pace.

i want coffee

i went to a nearby grocery to buy brewed coffee. when i got there, the person manning the booth was said to be having her break, probably late lunch break because it was 2pm. i waited for 10 minutes and then left.

i was also in a similar situation a month ago. i waited for 15 minutes because the person in charge of the smart eload station was out. and i really needed to load my smart sim at that time. it was also mid afternoon.

i realized that half of the time this year, i end up choosing the perfect wrong timing. it makes me wonder how many opportunities i have lost just by being at the wrong place and at the wrong time.

using my example above, it wasnt my fault i got there during her lunch break. how should i know that the person selling the coffee will be having her break? it wasnt her fault either that a paying customer like me arrived during her break. she had no idea someone was waiting and i just cant wait indefinitely since i have no idea when she will finish her break. and so the opportunity for her to sell and for me to buy the product was lost. if everything happens for a reason, then would that mean i wasnt supposed to buy the coffee? or she wasnt supposed to make the sale? had i bought the coffee, i would be in the mood to work and i wont be writing this. and i wont cram my work later or tomorrow morning. had she made the sale...i dont know what could possibly happen on her part. anyway its just a simple insignificant transaction that never happened that ruined my mood to work. could i get fired just because she wasnt able to sell me the coffee? or will she get fired by not selling enough coffee? or maybe the event has nothing to do with me at all. she had to be on her break so she will not encounter the interested paying customer after me which is 10 times more speculation than the speculation i just formulated.

i just want some brewed coffee. since i wont be having any, might settle for pizza or a margherita burger. i hope someone comes up with a chocolate and junk food delivery service.

its time to grow up

You are Edward Nigma/"The Riddler," a freelance criminologist turned master criminal and con artist. Recognition is what propels your actions, and you feel you've been underappreciated all your life. People themselves are riddles to you, and once they're solved, they're discarded. Mind games and entrapment are your forté, and you often toy with people for fun. Your mind is your most powerful asset, yet it contributes to a massive ego and a worldview that most people are inferior to yourself--or rather, that you'd like them to see it that way. Secretly, you fear being 'figured out' by anyone else, so you compensate by making bizarre but false claims, stumping people with misdirection, and performing elaborate stunts at others' expense. In your mind, you're weeding out the mentally unworthy. Ultimately, you force people to think about everything they do and say, for there is no right answer with The Riddler.

"What exists in a word, a letter, and in three; is asked too little and too much, yet is a building block of life and an enduring mystery? Give up? Why? Why is it that no one notices? No one thinks? Because nobody ever cares about the 'why' of the matter." ~The Riddler.

Earl Hickey Quotes

"Do good things and good things happen to you. Do bad things, they'll come back to haunt you"

"A purpose is a great thing to have. It gives you a reason to wake up every morning."

"I can't be anyone's boyfriend. I'm karma's bitch."

"A black cat crosses your path once, bad luck. It crosses your path twice, really bad luck. But three times, well that's when karma's trying to tell you something."

wait three days

"Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and then they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like "Uh okayy, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story." - Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)

just thinking out loud

i just saw my grade school crush on facebook...by accident. last time i saw her was in grade 1 and i never saw her again since then. but i remember her name and how she looked. and now, she looked a bit older for her age but she still looked pretty.

so that brings me down to...two grade school crushes im searching for. wait...three. but i have no idea how i will find the third one since i forgot her name already.

i also accidentally saw someone who was a very good friend of mine back in high school. but due to pride and irrational self-worth, i never talked to him again simply because i dont want to apologize and i dont want to ask for forgiveness.

now that im looking back at my past, life would or could be a lot better or at least interestingly different if...

i stayed in School of Saint Anthony for one more year. or maybe stayed there and finished high school there. i wouldnt be a school hopper and i wouldnt be afraid to form relationships. ever since i changed my school and in a way lost my friends, i started thinking that wherever i go, im merely passing by and the people i meet wont be there for long. but had i stayed there until high school, given my innate curiosity and the kind of freedom i had then, i could have ended up as a drug addict and knocked someone up already. but if i did stay there, since i was a hyperactive kid, i would have been involved in sports and probably ended up playing for the school varsity (even if i dont exercise, im amused how agile my body still is and how good my reflexes are. the only problem i have is stamina since im really out of shape). philosophy wouldnt have gotten me and i wont be the silent and pensive person i am now. my world view would be different and i would have remained to be that talkative kid who always ended up in the noisy list (and i had to bribe the class president one time so i wont be in the list and be humiliated in front of the school assembly). or i could have died earlier since ive had a bunch of accidents in that street we used to live in. or i would have stayed aggressive and assertive...and obnoxious. i always wanted to be the center of attention. i loved the attention. i always thought of ways to get the people's attention. i was a performer.

had i stayed in that school, i would have ended up in UST or UP and not Ateneo. either i remained to be a serious student...or became really complacent because i got involved in sports or became a drug addict. had i remained to be a very serious student, i would have passed the UPCAT. i was a competitive kid when it comes to grades. i always wanted to be in the top 10 of the class. to a certain extent, i remained that way in high school but around 3rd and 4th year, i realized the grading system and the school system itself was really nonsense and having a college degree is something i didnt need. anyway, had i stayed in School of Saint Anthony, i think i wouldnt be this arrogant. and if i wasnt arrogant, i would have passed the UST interview and ended up taking architecture. i could have been an architect and all three of us (me and my siblings) would be in similar lines of work.

but thats not what happened. i transferred to SVS and finished sixth grade there and graduated with people i only knew for a year. i felt out of place since they knew each other for years. i didnt know where to fit in. then i transferred again to CSQC. what made it bad was it was an all boys school. gained good friends there but lost a few good ones too because of my arrogance and excessive pride. since i wasnt the warm, friendly and very cheerful person i once was because in my mind im going to stay in that school for only a few years whats the point of being friends with people im not going to see again after a few years (now im starting to realize that i might have some kind of separation anxiety disorder which could be related to my "rejectionist" attitude and anti-emotion beliefs), my attention were then focused on acads and thinking of philo stuff. so i became really fucking serious and i just sucked the fun out of everything. i started asking why questions and started hating a lot of things. then i ended up in ateneo which was my third choice among the four colleges i considered applying. it took me years to accept the fact that i could love the academic institution. met good friends there too but i already developed an irrational fear of relationships and attachment problems (and whenever i try to get rid of it, it gets reinforced by not so good experiences). it took me years to finally trust some of them. same thing happened in law school. people just had to be patient with me before i become comfortable with the company. and now im in a new cycle of adjusting. it really takes me years to adjust on a personal level.

well, life didnt really turn out to be that bad. i met interesting people in SVS and CSQC. ateneo is one of the best universities in the country. im in one of the best law schools in the country. met good friends in all these schools. im working for a really good NGO, with a nice working environment, with a salary which isnt bad for a first employment and for a kind of work that is not really my line of expertise. so from an objective point of view, im doing very well and im lucky to be where i am. but looking at my grade school and high school classmates and where they are now, i dont think im any better or better off even if they keep saying that compared to them, im in a much better position. they keep saying they're proud of what ive accomplished but what is there to be proud of really?

i miss OLA

i just watched My Cousin Vinny a few hours ago on Jack TV. and i started to miss handling law cases, appearing in courts, briefing clients, addressing judges, etc. OLA made me realize that i do want to become a lawyer. its what i want to do for the rest of my life and im sure of it. i just hate the fact that bad decisions come to haunt you and try to take away stuff you want in life.

taking a break form work to comment on a news item

im not in favor of Chiz Escudero's proposal. doing such a thing would just cause problems after a few months or a year. i may not be a person who struggled with grades when i was in elementary or high school but ive had a bunch of failing marks in college and in law school. and whenever i failed, i know it was my fault. my competence in the subject really was not sufficient to get a passing grade. now, if you pass these students not based on competence but just because it would be very difficult to educate these students given the circumstances, it would probably just delay the failing marks some of these students ought to receive. they didnt learn anything but they passed. its like giving the problem to another subject and teacher. its hard to compare the situation to EDSA I which was a political crisis and not a natural disaster/environmental crisis. and the times have significantly changed since then. we are dumber compared to the same age group decades ago. ive noticed that the level of competence and the quality of education have declined over the years. we dont have the same level of intellectual people similar to the previous generations. students nowadays are lazy and lacks discipline. i should know because im one of these students.

im not saying these typhoon victims should not be given such a consideration. im just saying that these students should not be simply given passing grades. they should be given some kind of special sessions or classes or crash courses so as to make sure that they at least learned something and that they deserve the passing grades. or is that part of the across the board passing grade? anyway, this is the impression i got when i read the news item

i think Escudero mentioned something to the effect that the damage caused by the typhoon is a learning experience. i agree. it is a learning experience. is he implying that this be considered as a good reason to give an across the board passing grade? if it is (not sure if the impression im getting from the news article is correct, im reacting too soon. i just need to make use of my brain cells other than the usual stuff i use these brain cells for) then its changing the basis of passing the students...for this particular semester only. in a way, its passing students not from what they learned in schools but from what they learned from their experience. and what they learned from experience is more on the spirit of volunteerism. i would say its learning to have a heart. but we dont really give grades using this as a basis. well, theres a Good Manners and Right Conduct subject (not sure if this subject still exists). we can pass all students in this subject. but for math or algebra or biology or history? well, it can be argued that this event will be part of history and the students just participated in something that is history in the making. it can be argued that this experience is science in action. anyway, passing students for a social science or business administration or even elementary or high school subjects like english or filipino without at least checking what they learned is not a good idea. at least make them report or apply what they learned.

ok, maybe my law school batchmate has a point. if ever i become a professor someday, i should be avoided because im just there to make things difficult

do i need a different perspective?

i wonder how shortsighted people view the world? i can be shortsighted sometimes but most of the time im not. and each day that comes along was probably thought of the day before, the week before or months before. the significant minutes that pass by was thought of at least minutes earlier if not an hour earlier or more. so in order for me to be shortsighted for tomorrow, i should have stopped thinking and anticipating months ago or a week ago or yesterday or a while ago.but i dont think i can do that. by now, i already have november taking shape, some parts of december and i already have something in mind from january to more than half of 2010. i just have a lot of stuff in my mind.

can a warm gun bring happiness to theTin Man?

i wonder if the Tin Man can really be happy to have a heart? well, in the story the Oz characters already had inside them what they desired. they just didnt realize it. The Tin Man wanted to ask for a heart when he was already someone caring and thoughtful. anyway, ive been thinking (for a long time. ive had this thought months ago i think), isnt the Tin Man better off not having a heart? he has a metal body, he wont be able to feel the warmth of another living creature (well, i assume that a metal body wont have the sense of touch as other living creatures). will it not be torture for the Tin Man to have a heart? to care for someone but not be able to feel a warm hug or a sweet kiss? can he say for the rest of his life that "its ok" and pretending it really is ok whenever he is asked whether his body can feel the joyous warmth of another living creature expressing their affection and appreciation. its like he can never be truly satisfied because he cant enjoy his heart as much as normal people do. a tin man isnt designed and built to have a heart. so the Tin Man shouldnt have asked for a heart. He should have asked for something in accordance with his nature. or asked that his nature be changed into something that is in accordance with having a heart. if thats not possible or too much to ask for then he should have settled for not having a heart at all. anyway, thats the Tin Man's problem, not mine. im just wondering if he can really be happy having a heart and a cold, unfeeling body.

i didnt like care bears as much as most kids did

when i was a kid, i just had this love for animals. i remember praying to God if i can be made a god of the animals or some kind of caretaker of animal heaven. it was a like i saw God as a mafia Godfather (Jesus is the underboss) and i was asking whether He could appoint me as a capo and allow me to run a part of his business since He is handling the entire universe. anyway, i loved animals that back in high school, when i pictured myself 10 years later (meaning now), i imagined i would be having my own house, own car and going home to a couple of dogs and some aquarium pets. having pets was a must and just having animals around were enough for me. i think the last time i pictured myself as having a wife and a kid as my family was back in grade school. and i pictured my wife to be a scientist and my kid to be someone exceptionally intelligent. anyway, like i said in my earlier post, somewhere along the way, a part of me died. i just dont care about a lot of things. animals included. sort of. i still like animals but i dont love them like i used to.

the reason why im blogging about this is because a few weeks ago, i dropped by this guy's house and he had 3 aquariums and a lot of aquarium fish. and during our conversation, he said that i know my fish because i know the types of fish he had. and it reminded me that during high school, my classmates and my cousin always go to me when they have aquarium and aquarium fish concerns. i was like an expert in that field. ive read a lot of materials about the topic/hobby in encyclopedias and in the internet. i had a hobby. i had a passion for something. then the guy i was talking to asked me what happened? and i said, "i just dont have time anymore". the appropriate answer should have been "my priorities have changed". i just dont care as much as i did before. i dont think a bunch of pets will revive that part of me that died, that part that really cared. even if someone comes along asking for help or tips about aquarium pets, i wont care as much as i did.

i dont know what happened exactly why a part of me died. i think i still remember the feeling i felt when i saw my mother bring home a bag of aquarium fish. it was almost the same feeling i felt when i assembled my cousin's PC. doing these things again (having the aquarium pets hobby and assembling another PC) wont make me feel those feelings i felt. i dont know if i can feel that feeling again. just thinking about it is stressing me out already. i now have an upset stomach just because i entertained the thought in mind. i think ive successfully conditioned myself to make sure that i start not feeling emotions again by having my physical body react if my mind is doing things that i promised i would not do. my subconscious really is powerful.

jack of all trades, master of one

people give me too much credit. well, they have too much trust in my abilities. its understandable because most of the time, i am able to deliver what they ask for. i may not be the best person for the job but most of the time im good enough when there's no one else to go to. thats why ive always seen myself as playing the role of the back-up. but thats just it, im supposed to be just the back-up. the person you can always rely on when there's no else to turn to. i should be the last resort, the last line of defense or something like that. and i know what im capable of thats why i dont panic that quickly. when i can see that i can pull something out of my sleeve, i dont worry about failing or not accomplishing the task. i can always see a way out or a way to fix things or a way for things to push through. i never give my best at anything because i dont need to. im not there to impress anyone. im just there to make sure that the job gets done. once its done, im gone. no need to stay a second longer. thats the role im supposed to be playing. thats the role i should see myself doing. thats the role i should stick to. nothing else. i found comfort in being that person and i shouldnt aim for anything more for the simple reason that i think being the jack of all trades is the one i should master. i think being this person is what i can be good at. being an expert in a particular field will probably bore me or i wont be able achieve such a level because im not meant to master anything.

just read the news online...

and it reminded me of my friend's status message a few weeks ago...maybe the Philippines (or some of its cities) will be the new Atlantis.

the destruction caused by the recent typhoons shows that:
1. the environment is something people should take seriously. when i was a kid, i wanted to be some kind of environmentalist. and its because i love animals. but somewhere along the way, a part of me died and i just stopped caring.

2. the victims of the typhoons dont really deserve it but unfortunately, those who caused the damage to mother nature dont feel any guilt or remorse. so we wont be expecting any change of attitude from these people. and someone has to act and hopefully, those who felt the inconvenience, the slightly passive members of the population, should do something because they saw mother nature's not so good side when it wasnt their fault in the first place. they should act to make the people who should be responsible for pissing off mother nature do something that would improve the environmental situation.

im not sure if im just really, really bored but im really curious and interested to see what will happen in the next few years. i doubt people will start taking global warming seriously. if this global warming is as serious as it is being reported, i think a scenario similar to The Day After Tomorrow will happen. i dont mean an ice age will suddenly happen. i mean things will happen sooner and more serious than what was thought to be expected in our lifetime. if thats the case, i think i would like to stick around and live long enough and see how mother nature would try to assert itself and send its message loud and clear to its destructive inhabitants.

Ive got both hands in my pocket

Not sure if I remember correctly but I think Douglas Adams once said that he finds stuff to write from songs. I havent written anything worth reading for months. My recent posts are just stupid rants (which helps me unload stuff from my mind). And the one below is no different from my recent posts.

I feel drunk but I'm sober. I feel dizzy from time to time making me think there's something wrong with me. and when I see beer, I don’t feel like I want to drink it. I might be developing some kind of repulsion toward alcohol.

I'm young and I'm underpaid. Can't complain. it is my first employment after all and the nature of the job isnt really my area of expertise. And the workplace has a nice working environment so I don’t mind. And I think Im still young even if im already 25 but when I give it some more thought, 26 doesn’t sound so young. Then declaring oneself to be 27 feels like you should have more or less some good grasp where you are in society (like a status check) and by 28, you should already have a good idea about what you are doing, where you are going and when things will happen in one's life in relation to one's future. the whys and hows of life in relation to society come around 29 to 30.

I'm tired but I'm working. there's just some work that needs to be done and deadlines to meet. Im thinking of using my compensatory leaves to clean up my room and do some reviewing. Its too early to do some christmas window shopping.

I care but I'm worthless. I think its more of I care but its pointless. If its pointless because it wont change anything then im worthless.

I'm here but I'm really gone. My mind is always somewhere else. That’s why I had a fender bender last month. That’s why I keep forgetting and losing stuff.

I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby. That’s the most I can do. Say sorry. after that I move forward. Its rare for me to try to go back and correct my mistake.

i miss alanis morissette.

going missing2

my medical records in another clinic are missing too. at least the doctor remembers that i was her patient earlier this year (so those check-ups were real and not just my imagination or something). they just dont know where it is.

other stuff that are missing:
my swiss army knife. i have an idea where i probably left it but unfortunately, i cant go back to that place. well, more of i dont want to go back to that place and check whether i left my swiss army knife there.

my parker fountain pen. i have no idea when and where was the last time i saw my fountain pen. i just use it to sign documents. but like my other possessions, ive formed an attachment to this pen.

my NSO birth certificate. even my parents are clueless where it went.

ignorance is bliss

im starting to think that my cousin was right. maybe thinking is overrated. by thinking a lot or thinking too much, i see things differently from most people. and lately, i really want to stop seeing the things i see. and i can only stop seeing these things when i stop thinking, when i stop anticipating. but the choice i made requires me to be at least two steps ahead of everyone. so what will i do now? well, i have no choice but to continue. if in the end my cousin is right, ive made my choice already and whats done is done.

its Ock-tow-bur!

if ever im going to suffer from severe amnesia, this month is the perfect time for it. next month would be too late. too bad there's no Goldfield's syndrome. but then again, its not the new memories that i dont want to recover. so im really aiming for retrograde amnesia. i wonder if a mild stroke can do the trick.

going missing

i dropped by the infirmary a while ago. and my medical records are missing. what the? i just had my consultation there a few months ago. why didnt my records come back? and why do their records indicate that the last time they saw my medical records was way back in 2007? ive probably went to the infirmary around 4 to 5 times after 2007. if i were a paranoid person, i would say that proof of my stay and existence is being erased. important records are going missing. but im not that paranoid. for me, these occurrences are just making things really difficult and inconvenient for me.

another explanation would be is that...its only in my head that ive been going to the infirmary. that im some kind of schizo and im having my lucid interval now. i wonder if i really am too sane to go insane.

boring!

im really, really, really, really, really bored. and im tired of trying to amuse myself. and im tired of doing the same old stuff that never works and always ends up in disappointment. life never lets me have the type of fun i want. hey october, can you bring me something fun and interesting? last time i had fun was...3 to 4 years ago. now im just trying to keep myself occupied so i wont notice the boredom. i dont know how much longer i can try not to notice how boring things have become. even if ive been meeting a lot of people lately, everyone is just average.

some kind of assessment report

its been more than 3 months since i started working. have i saved any money? no. why? because i have the tendency to spend a lot when im miserable. and unfortunately, im always miserable. and i have vices. and i have an addictive personality. well, ive always been miserable before but this is the first time that im having difficulty controlling myself even if my self-restraints are in place. i guess there's really no turning back. i have to come up with a new way to deal with old problems. things really have changed for the worse.

im no longer trying not to be consumed by hatred. unfortunately, the promise i made is just so strong that even if i welcome hatred with open arms, it can no longer consume me (i want to hate but i cant). well, for now it cant. maybe someday it will figure a way how. the thing is, i think im one of those people who live a better life having hate as their baggage. i dont think being a loving person will work for me. it just drains a lot of my energy for nothing.

as for health related stuff, im wrong with my prediction about the right foot injury. first, its not the right foot. its the left one. second, its not an injury. there's just something wrong with my left foot. my big toe has been numb since friday afternoon and i feel pain on (or in? whatever. killed a lot of brain cells already. ive been drinking too much that lately, when i drink beer, my system wants to reject it by making me hate its taste. i guess my brain cells really cant afford seeing more brain cells die) the inner half of my left foot when i apply pressure. also, i just had a fever last night. not sure if im working too much. this is the third time in my lifetime this kind of fever happened.

anyway, assessing my situation now, i cant move forward because ive changed. ive trained myself for this situation, this predicament. i saw this coming years ago so i prepared for this point in time but ive been changed. and that change in me is rendering my preparations useless. and its all because i deviated from the plan. i have no one to blame but myself. what pisses me off is that no matter how much i try to bring my old self back, i cant reach the same level i already achieved before. im substantially my old self but not quite. the fact the realization and the awareness remains just makes it impossible to revert. much as i want to forget, my will is not strong enough to erase things that should be erased. and a part of me took measures to ensure that i wont be able to distort the memory. there will always be something to remind me.

given my current situation, it make me wonder, if we have free will, how come the choice i made is being made difficult or close to impossible to achieve?

cant i demand for equivalent exchange?

how come i cant trade 20 Hail Marys for 75 Glory Bes or 40 Our Fathers? or all three as long as the Haily Marys are reduced by around half. when can i get my Amen? sorry but i do complain a lot and im still annoyingly stubborn and skeptical.

i got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match.

some people say im being hard on myself. am i? then why do i have these problems? why am i in this peculiar sui generis predicament? why do i have a year filled with failures and bad decisions? why cant i come up with solutions or answers? if im being hard on myself, its because thats easier to do than face the problems i now have. i cant even allow myself to relax because if i do, im reminded of these bad things i have to overcome. yes, im trying to run away from my probems even if i know i will never be able to escape them. i just dont know what to do but to walk aimlessly with my eyes closed and try not to care. there is no one who can help me now. if there is still someone that could help, the help that can be provided is really not a way out but going further in. its like digging a deeper grave. actually, its not like digging a deeper grave. it is digging a deeper grave. right now, the only real way out is to give up and lose everything. i have to start from scratch. and thats not really a very good choice but its the real way out. what a catch.

i try to live life passively, i get shit. i try to do something about it and go get what i want, not only dont i get what i want, i get more shit. shit does happen a lot to me. now that i think about it, losing my eyesight isnt that bad after all.

i wonder if i ever will have the burger king slogan. when will life tell me: "Have it your way".

i was right that i wont like september

im tired of being right. well, i mean of being able to see things ahead. and not being proven wrong.

a few weeks ago, maybe a month or two, i noticed someone whom i dont know personally but i felt that she is someone i should take note of. why? because i knew it was only a matter of time before i come across this person. well, i was right. whats the significance? not clear. maybe it has no significance at all. it just so happens that i knew weeks ahead that i will encounter this person in the future. and im wondering if she is as aware as i am of such probable encounter.

another example is as early as 2005, i knew that im going to face the problem that im having right now. it was somewhat obvious to me then that this problem will arise but other people didnt see it. so i listened to them instead just to see whether i was wrong. well, they were wrong.

of course, im not right 100% of the time but usually i get to "see" whats about to happen, where things are heading. and that worries me sometimes. because the things im seeing arent really things to look forward to. thats why im not really that excited about each day. it brings me closer to days i hope i wont live long enough to see. i guess im just not done paying for the sins ive committed so i have to live and endure those days im afraid to have.

right now, i really hope im wrong that there's something wrong with my eyesight.

im having second thoughts but my answer is still NO!

is there such a thing as fate? or destiny? i think there is. but i also think its not completely inevitable. we have free will after all. it just so happens that refusal to comply with what fate or destiny has in mind is like refusing to fulfill one's purpose. for me it makes sense because whats the point of each one's existence if it has no purpose. and in order to have a purpose, there must be some grand design that has been set. without it, whats the point of each one's purpose?

i know there has been some kind of lecture about this in one of my college classes. i just cant recall whether it was in one of those theology classes or philosophy classes. so i dont know whether im getting it right or not.

anyway, the reason why im thinking about it is because yesterday i was reminded of how much people still have faith in me (no matter how many times ive purposely discredited myself) which made me think whether its really my fate to do things that people believe i can do. or should do. or must become. that what i want to be or what i want to have will never matter. that even if i try to take another path, i will be forced back to become what i need to be. to come crashing back to where im supposed to be. just to fulfill a purpose.

i just want a simple and short life. but unfortunately, its hard to have that when im an immensely complicated person who might live a life longer than i expected. ive tried twice to be seriously ill to shorten my life span (which i used to call back in 2006 as a loophole to the definition of suicide). but well, im not as seriously ill as i want to be. im just in pain. ive had a bunch of close calls but a close call really isnt enough to be a one way ticket out of here.

there are no accidents and everything happens for a reason. i believe in these two statements. but not because i believe means i also live a life in accordance with it. how can i get that simple life if i keep making things complicated? i just dont know how long i can stay stubborn with the kind of pressure life is exerting lately.

september brought the rain

yesterday, it rained all day. and yesterday i thought it was one of the most beautiful rainy days ive had. i just thought so. an entire day of rain. i simply liked it. i wanted to go out but i really had no intention of going anywhere but just enjoy the rain. i really thought that yesterday was one of the most beautiful rainy days ive had. that was what i thought yesterday. i had no idea how bad it was for other residents of metro manila.

would i say that what happened yesterday was tragic? not really. i think what happened yesterday was something i would call...fair. that "imperial manila" must have its fair share of natural disasters. people in metro manila do not feel the kind of impact natural disasters bring when they hit other parts of the country. metro manila is much more "equipped" to address natural disasters.

people here have very convenient lives. and what happened yesterday was more of an inconvenience than a metro wide tragedy. sure, lives were lost and thousands have been displaced but after a few weeks, people will move on and revert back to their lives as if yesterday did not happen. only a few will learn some kind of lesson from this experience. those who will learn are those who will call yesterday a tragedy. and i believe that it is a tragedy..for them. but for most people in metro manila, i think yesterday was a mere inconvenience. a memory that will be used as a story for some social gathering rather than a deep personal experience where a lesson should be derived from. what lesson can be derived from yesterday? i dont know. im only one of the hundreds who merely experienced an inconvenience (hours of power outage and thinking how i can do some work during the weekend with a laptop with a battery that lasts for only 15 minutes).

but then again, im just someone who has high standards. that a tragedy should be something not even an opportunists can easily take advantage of (after watching the news, i thought the heavens might be favoring a presidential candidate by giving him this opportunity). or something that will truly break one's spirit. and once broken, either that spirit stays broken or forces itself to rise and fight back. a tragedy for me is something that will force change, for the better or for the worse. if no change will be induced, i think that tragedy is a tragedy in itself.

things to watch out for...

right foot injury - accidents happen

eyesight loss - well, some things become worse if left untreated

heart problems - ordinary wear and tear

memory loss/amnesia - wouldnt it be nice to have the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

of the four, the second is the most realistic at the moment. and its the one i really dont want to happen. i mean, amnesia's fine. the heart suddenly deciding to rest and stop pumping isnt much of an issue for me. and a right foot injury is bad but i think i can manage that. but losing my eyesight? one of things i fear most.

its September 21!

and its only Sept20 in the US. only 24 more hours and its thank God for How I Met Your Mother! please HIMYM Season 5, dont be a disappointment like TF2. youre one of the few things i look forward to every week.

i believe...

there's always a way out. always. when youre in deep shit, you dont have to go further in. theres always a way out. problem is sometimes, going further in is better than looking for a way out. but still, its a way out. sometimes the problem is, what are you willing to do to get out? or how far will you go to get out?

that there is no such thing as coincidence. everything happens for a reason. or there must be an underlying reason for everything that happens. because if there's none, life is just being cruel. well, life is fortunate that we have the freedom to come up and believe whatever reason we can find.

that once is enough when it comes to giving someone a chance. a second chance is not worth giving. it will only lead to disappointment. like earlier, i shouldnt have given her a chance to make up for what she did. but i did. and what happened? i ended up wasting my time, trying not to lose my temper and her telling me "maybe now is not the right time. maybe next time". what!? how can she turn this around just like that? im the one being open to whatever she had to say and i end up being the one who appears to be on the wrong side. it made me wonder, does she really think she is worth that much just because i gave her another chance to make things right?

that there's always time for everything. its all about time management. but sometimes, the problem is, we cant keep up with time. we grow old, we become weak, we prioritize the wrong things. and time never stops running. we either end up wasting it or making sure every minute of it is spent wisely. its never time's fault when someone runs out of time.

that there is no such thing as no such thing. anything is possible. impossible is nothing. well, this is what i tell myself to believe. not because i believe in it means its true or will actually happen. as the song goes, don't stop believing. it might hurt but well, everybody hurts.

that God exists. i believe in Him. unfortunately He created me skeptical and stubborn. i dont know how it works out or if it works out but i do believe. i have faith. problem is, God also created me as someone cursed/gifted with inner contradictions. im both of most, if not all, opposites or extremes.

i want control

No matter how hard you plan your life. Life has a plan for you on it's own. Life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control...resistance is futile (Wedding Daze, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Star Trek).

Hmm. So what's your plan life? is it good? i might like it but, well, you know, i have plans of my own.

You know life, i wish i could make a deal with you. if i could make a deal with you, this is my offer:

"i will be open to whatever plan you have. i will give you a 4 hour window tomorrow to present to me your plan. go nuts on how you want to present it. of course i am free to reject your proposal but at least im open enough to consider your proposal. after that four hour window, i will only listen to myself, go ahead with my plan and only God can stop me. i will restore this motto which ive used before 2004. im impatient life. if life wont happen, then it will never happen. never. and im starting to think you are just being cruel with all the disruptions youve been causing lately. of course i dont expect you will stop disturbing me. but after that four hour window to convince me otherwise, i will do everything i can to prevail. i wont lose to you life. and you know how far i can go just to win.

so life, you have four hours to come get me. after that, the stronger you push me, the harder my resistance will be. if you fail to persuade me tomorrow, im going to live you the way i did before: never stopping for anyone, no regrets for every decision."

unfortunately for me, i tried this kind of proposal before and life didnt accept it. but that doesnt mean i cant try one more time and just go ahead and do it anway if life rejects it. now life, if you are willing to accept this offer, you know when that four hour window begins and ends. im not expecting you to accept it but in case you dont accept, i wont allow you to change my plans again.

sober is so boring

the great Homer S. once said: alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

life. what is the meaning of life? i think there are two ways of searching for the answer to such question. one way is by doing it objectively or by primarily using one's mind. the other way is by doing it subjectively or using one's heart. the former i believe makes one live a sad and miserable life without really living life. he lives life having emotions in moderate amounts. he is able to gain some form of contentment and peace. he sees a glimpse of the answer. but of course, a glimpse of the answer is not the same as seeing and having the answer. the latter approach makes one live life. he engages in it, he is immersed in a wider range and stronger set of emotions. anger, love, happiness, hatred, etc. in this approach i think the person is closer to the answer or probably able to grasp it but cannot explain and share it for the world to know. for the world to finally know the answer to the question that has puzzled most men since time immemorial. or at least when he started asking "why?" (that eventually lead to questions regarding one's existence).

alcohol. what is alcohol? alcohol is the possimpible. it can make a subjective man objective and an objective man subjective. it makes the improbable happen. it can even make the impossible occur. alcohol is the best medicine for some. alcohol is the best thing that ever happened to some. alcohol is the shiznit. if life sucks, alcohol is your cause and your solution. with alcohol, you dont even have to finish a sentence. it knows no rules...on grammar. you dont even have to make sense. it makes one feel powerful and become powerless at the same time. it makes contradictions meet. it makes life exciting and interesting for both the intoxicated and non-intoxicated. and an exciting life gives meaning to life. so alcohol is the bearer of life's meaning. twisted logic. aaah, alcohol. you are one of the best things that man created and God made possible.

im going to keep my promise that i wont drink alcohol for the next two weeks. by saturday, its going to be two full weeks. good thing i said maybe longer. the word "maybe" really makes a lot of difference. sorry life, but without alcohol, you are just plain boring.

maybe i will but for now i wont

God, i know what You are trying to do, where You are trying to lead me, what You are trying to make me see. i hear You loud and clear. Your messages cant be any clearer. Unfortunately, i am Your stubborn son and i still refuse to fulfill what i think You want me to do. its not that i inherently dont want to do what You want me to do, what You want me to be, what You want me to fulfill. its just that i have doubts whether it has to be me that has to do it. whether i understand You correctly. You know that i am excessively and annoyingly skeptical about everything. and of course, that i am Your stubborn son. And unlike normal people, the promise of happiness isnt really that enticing for me. im preparing myself again to live this life i have now until the end. i guess happiness just isnt my thing. it makes me paranoid, it deprives me of the small amount of inner peace i always struggle to acquire and establish. its one of the things i really am afraid of. maybe when push comes to shove, i will give in to Your plans. i will embrace wholeheartedly what i think You have planned for me. that is, if push comes to shove. but for now, i remain to be Your stubborn son who will not allow himself to be subjected to whatever divine force You subject Your people to. maybe someday Your universe will happily tell me, "that's fortuna for you". but for now, i will not give Your universe that pleasure and i will resist the force of Your universe. Your universe is something i tried to trust. and that i cannot do again anytime soon. nor can i promise i ever will trust it again. God, im sorry. I am your stubborn son after all.

and if there is such a thing as reincarnation or something like that, i guess i didnt progress in this lifetime. i guess there's no level up for me in the next life just because i refuse to learn what i ought to learn.

months of the year

i dont like this September. why? i dont know. i just dont like it. even if season 5 of How I Met Your Mother will begin on September 21. and its not because i wont be taking the bar this year. so if there's anything i shouldnt like regarding taking the bar, its the year, not the month. so one thing i dont like about 2009 is the fact that i wasnt i able to take it this year. so i dont have problems with September with regard to taking the bar. so why dont i like it? like i said, i dont know. its like months ago when i thought April has something malevolent up its sleeve. why did i think April was malevolent? no reason, i just thought it was malevolent. in a way, it was. and August always has a nasty and unfortunate surprise. i have no comments about May, June and July. they were somewhat average. somewhat. not completely average. January, February and March of this year were notable but i didnt know what to expect before they happened. so what do i think about October? i dont have any comment for October yet. the same goes for November. but the thing with November is that i always end up liking it. well, i have a bias for November. as for December, i had a weird vague memory earlier this day that someone will beat me up on December. the weirder part is, how the hell did i have a vague memory of it? or maybe i was still heavily intoxicated. or maybe i have brain damage caused by regular intake of alcohol in increasing amounts. or simply insanity caused by boredom and inner contradictions.