just thinking out loud

i just saw my grade school crush on facebook...by accident. last time i saw her was in grade 1 and i never saw her again since then. but i remember her name and how she looked. and now, she looked a bit older for her age but she still looked pretty.

so that brings me down to...two grade school crushes im searching for. wait...three. but i have no idea how i will find the third one since i forgot her name already.

i also accidentally saw someone who was a very good friend of mine back in high school. but due to pride and irrational self-worth, i never talked to him again simply because i dont want to apologize and i dont want to ask for forgiveness.

now that im looking back at my past, life would or could be a lot better or at least interestingly different if...

i stayed in School of Saint Anthony for one more year. or maybe stayed there and finished high school there. i wouldnt be a school hopper and i wouldnt be afraid to form relationships. ever since i changed my school and in a way lost my friends, i started thinking that wherever i go, im merely passing by and the people i meet wont be there for long. but had i stayed there until high school, given my innate curiosity and the kind of freedom i had then, i could have ended up as a drug addict and knocked someone up already. but if i did stay there, since i was a hyperactive kid, i would have been involved in sports and probably ended up playing for the school varsity (even if i dont exercise, im amused how agile my body still is and how good my reflexes are. the only problem i have is stamina since im really out of shape). philosophy wouldnt have gotten me and i wont be the silent and pensive person i am now. my world view would be different and i would have remained to be that talkative kid who always ended up in the noisy list (and i had to bribe the class president one time so i wont be in the list and be humiliated in front of the school assembly). or i could have died earlier since ive had a bunch of accidents in that street we used to live in. or i would have stayed aggressive and assertive...and obnoxious. i always wanted to be the center of attention. i loved the attention. i always thought of ways to get the people's attention. i was a performer.

had i stayed in that school, i would have ended up in UST or UP and not Ateneo. either i remained to be a serious student...or became really complacent because i got involved in sports or became a drug addict. had i remained to be a very serious student, i would have passed the UPCAT. i was a competitive kid when it comes to grades. i always wanted to be in the top 10 of the class. to a certain extent, i remained that way in high school but around 3rd and 4th year, i realized the grading system and the school system itself was really nonsense and having a college degree is something i didnt need. anyway, had i stayed in School of Saint Anthony, i think i wouldnt be this arrogant. and if i wasnt arrogant, i would have passed the UST interview and ended up taking architecture. i could have been an architect and all three of us (me and my siblings) would be in similar lines of work.

but thats not what happened. i transferred to SVS and finished sixth grade there and graduated with people i only knew for a year. i felt out of place since they knew each other for years. i didnt know where to fit in. then i transferred again to CSQC. what made it bad was it was an all boys school. gained good friends there but lost a few good ones too because of my arrogance and excessive pride. since i wasnt the warm, friendly and very cheerful person i once was because in my mind im going to stay in that school for only a few years whats the point of being friends with people im not going to see again after a few years (now im starting to realize that i might have some kind of separation anxiety disorder which could be related to my "rejectionist" attitude and anti-emotion beliefs), my attention were then focused on acads and thinking of philo stuff. so i became really fucking serious and i just sucked the fun out of everything. i started asking why questions and started hating a lot of things. then i ended up in ateneo which was my third choice among the four colleges i considered applying. it took me years to accept the fact that i could love the academic institution. met good friends there too but i already developed an irrational fear of relationships and attachment problems (and whenever i try to get rid of it, it gets reinforced by not so good experiences). it took me years to finally trust some of them. same thing happened in law school. people just had to be patient with me before i become comfortable with the company. and now im in a new cycle of adjusting. it really takes me years to adjust on a personal level.

well, life didnt really turn out to be that bad. i met interesting people in SVS and CSQC. ateneo is one of the best universities in the country. im in one of the best law schools in the country. met good friends in all these schools. im working for a really good NGO, with a nice working environment, with a salary which isnt bad for a first employment and for a kind of work that is not really my line of expertise. so from an objective point of view, im doing very well and im lucky to be where i am. but looking at my grade school and high school classmates and where they are now, i dont think im any better or better off even if they keep saying that compared to them, im in a much better position. they keep saying they're proud of what ive accomplished but what is there to be proud of really?

i miss OLA

i just watched My Cousin Vinny a few hours ago on Jack TV. and i started to miss handling law cases, appearing in courts, briefing clients, addressing judges, etc. OLA made me realize that i do want to become a lawyer. its what i want to do for the rest of my life and im sure of it. i just hate the fact that bad decisions come to haunt you and try to take away stuff you want in life.

taking a break form work to comment on a news item

im not in favor of Chiz Escudero's proposal. doing such a thing would just cause problems after a few months or a year. i may not be a person who struggled with grades when i was in elementary or high school but ive had a bunch of failing marks in college and in law school. and whenever i failed, i know it was my fault. my competence in the subject really was not sufficient to get a passing grade. now, if you pass these students not based on competence but just because it would be very difficult to educate these students given the circumstances, it would probably just delay the failing marks some of these students ought to receive. they didnt learn anything but they passed. its like giving the problem to another subject and teacher. its hard to compare the situation to EDSA I which was a political crisis and not a natural disaster/environmental crisis. and the times have significantly changed since then. we are dumber compared to the same age group decades ago. ive noticed that the level of competence and the quality of education have declined over the years. we dont have the same level of intellectual people similar to the previous generations. students nowadays are lazy and lacks discipline. i should know because im one of these students.

im not saying these typhoon victims should not be given such a consideration. im just saying that these students should not be simply given passing grades. they should be given some kind of special sessions or classes or crash courses so as to make sure that they at least learned something and that they deserve the passing grades. or is that part of the across the board passing grade? anyway, this is the impression i got when i read the news item

i think Escudero mentioned something to the effect that the damage caused by the typhoon is a learning experience. i agree. it is a learning experience. is he implying that this be considered as a good reason to give an across the board passing grade? if it is (not sure if the impression im getting from the news article is correct, im reacting too soon. i just need to make use of my brain cells other than the usual stuff i use these brain cells for) then its changing the basis of passing the students...for this particular semester only. in a way, its passing students not from what they learned in schools but from what they learned from their experience. and what they learned from experience is more on the spirit of volunteerism. i would say its learning to have a heart. but we dont really give grades using this as a basis. well, theres a Good Manners and Right Conduct subject (not sure if this subject still exists). we can pass all students in this subject. but for math or algebra or biology or history? well, it can be argued that this event will be part of history and the students just participated in something that is history in the making. it can be argued that this experience is science in action. anyway, passing students for a social science or business administration or even elementary or high school subjects like english or filipino without at least checking what they learned is not a good idea. at least make them report or apply what they learned.

ok, maybe my law school batchmate has a point. if ever i become a professor someday, i should be avoided because im just there to make things difficult

do i need a different perspective?

i wonder how shortsighted people view the world? i can be shortsighted sometimes but most of the time im not. and each day that comes along was probably thought of the day before, the week before or months before. the significant minutes that pass by was thought of at least minutes earlier if not an hour earlier or more. so in order for me to be shortsighted for tomorrow, i should have stopped thinking and anticipating months ago or a week ago or yesterday or a while ago.but i dont think i can do that. by now, i already have november taking shape, some parts of december and i already have something in mind from january to more than half of 2010. i just have a lot of stuff in my mind.

can a warm gun bring happiness to theTin Man?

i wonder if the Tin Man can really be happy to have a heart? well, in the story the Oz characters already had inside them what they desired. they just didnt realize it. The Tin Man wanted to ask for a heart when he was already someone caring and thoughtful. anyway, ive been thinking (for a long time. ive had this thought months ago i think), isnt the Tin Man better off not having a heart? he has a metal body, he wont be able to feel the warmth of another living creature (well, i assume that a metal body wont have the sense of touch as other living creatures). will it not be torture for the Tin Man to have a heart? to care for someone but not be able to feel a warm hug or a sweet kiss? can he say for the rest of his life that "its ok" and pretending it really is ok whenever he is asked whether his body can feel the joyous warmth of another living creature expressing their affection and appreciation. its like he can never be truly satisfied because he cant enjoy his heart as much as normal people do. a tin man isnt designed and built to have a heart. so the Tin Man shouldnt have asked for a heart. He should have asked for something in accordance with his nature. or asked that his nature be changed into something that is in accordance with having a heart. if thats not possible or too much to ask for then he should have settled for not having a heart at all. anyway, thats the Tin Man's problem, not mine. im just wondering if he can really be happy having a heart and a cold, unfeeling body.

i didnt like care bears as much as most kids did

when i was a kid, i just had this love for animals. i remember praying to God if i can be made a god of the animals or some kind of caretaker of animal heaven. it was a like i saw God as a mafia Godfather (Jesus is the underboss) and i was asking whether He could appoint me as a capo and allow me to run a part of his business since He is handling the entire universe. anyway, i loved animals that back in high school, when i pictured myself 10 years later (meaning now), i imagined i would be having my own house, own car and going home to a couple of dogs and some aquarium pets. having pets was a must and just having animals around were enough for me. i think the last time i pictured myself as having a wife and a kid as my family was back in grade school. and i pictured my wife to be a scientist and my kid to be someone exceptionally intelligent. anyway, like i said in my earlier post, somewhere along the way, a part of me died. i just dont care about a lot of things. animals included. sort of. i still like animals but i dont love them like i used to.

the reason why im blogging about this is because a few weeks ago, i dropped by this guy's house and he had 3 aquariums and a lot of aquarium fish. and during our conversation, he said that i know my fish because i know the types of fish he had. and it reminded me that during high school, my classmates and my cousin always go to me when they have aquarium and aquarium fish concerns. i was like an expert in that field. ive read a lot of materials about the topic/hobby in encyclopedias and in the internet. i had a hobby. i had a passion for something. then the guy i was talking to asked me what happened? and i said, "i just dont have time anymore". the appropriate answer should have been "my priorities have changed". i just dont care as much as i did before. i dont think a bunch of pets will revive that part of me that died, that part that really cared. even if someone comes along asking for help or tips about aquarium pets, i wont care as much as i did.

i dont know what happened exactly why a part of me died. i think i still remember the feeling i felt when i saw my mother bring home a bag of aquarium fish. it was almost the same feeling i felt when i assembled my cousin's PC. doing these things again (having the aquarium pets hobby and assembling another PC) wont make me feel those feelings i felt. i dont know if i can feel that feeling again. just thinking about it is stressing me out already. i now have an upset stomach just because i entertained the thought in mind. i think ive successfully conditioned myself to make sure that i start not feeling emotions again by having my physical body react if my mind is doing things that i promised i would not do. my subconscious really is powerful.

jack of all trades, master of one

people give me too much credit. well, they have too much trust in my abilities. its understandable because most of the time, i am able to deliver what they ask for. i may not be the best person for the job but most of the time im good enough when there's no one else to go to. thats why ive always seen myself as playing the role of the back-up. but thats just it, im supposed to be just the back-up. the person you can always rely on when there's no else to turn to. i should be the last resort, the last line of defense or something like that. and i know what im capable of thats why i dont panic that quickly. when i can see that i can pull something out of my sleeve, i dont worry about failing or not accomplishing the task. i can always see a way out or a way to fix things or a way for things to push through. i never give my best at anything because i dont need to. im not there to impress anyone. im just there to make sure that the job gets done. once its done, im gone. no need to stay a second longer. thats the role im supposed to be playing. thats the role i should see myself doing. thats the role i should stick to. nothing else. i found comfort in being that person and i shouldnt aim for anything more for the simple reason that i think being the jack of all trades is the one i should master. i think being this person is what i can be good at. being an expert in a particular field will probably bore me or i wont be able achieve such a level because im not meant to master anything.

just read the news online...

and it reminded me of my friend's status message a few weeks ago...maybe the Philippines (or some of its cities) will be the new Atlantis.

the destruction caused by the recent typhoons shows that:
1. the environment is something people should take seriously. when i was a kid, i wanted to be some kind of environmentalist. and its because i love animals. but somewhere along the way, a part of me died and i just stopped caring.

2. the victims of the typhoons dont really deserve it but unfortunately, those who caused the damage to mother nature dont feel any guilt or remorse. so we wont be expecting any change of attitude from these people. and someone has to act and hopefully, those who felt the inconvenience, the slightly passive members of the population, should do something because they saw mother nature's not so good side when it wasnt their fault in the first place. they should act to make the people who should be responsible for pissing off mother nature do something that would improve the environmental situation.

im not sure if im just really, really bored but im really curious and interested to see what will happen in the next few years. i doubt people will start taking global warming seriously. if this global warming is as serious as it is being reported, i think a scenario similar to The Day After Tomorrow will happen. i dont mean an ice age will suddenly happen. i mean things will happen sooner and more serious than what was thought to be expected in our lifetime. if thats the case, i think i would like to stick around and live long enough and see how mother nature would try to assert itself and send its message loud and clear to its destructive inhabitants.

Ive got both hands in my pocket

Not sure if I remember correctly but I think Douglas Adams once said that he finds stuff to write from songs. I havent written anything worth reading for months. My recent posts are just stupid rants (which helps me unload stuff from my mind). And the one below is no different from my recent posts.

I feel drunk but I'm sober. I feel dizzy from time to time making me think there's something wrong with me. and when I see beer, I don’t feel like I want to drink it. I might be developing some kind of repulsion toward alcohol.

I'm young and I'm underpaid. Can't complain. it is my first employment after all and the nature of the job isnt really my area of expertise. And the workplace has a nice working environment so I don’t mind. And I think Im still young even if im already 25 but when I give it some more thought, 26 doesn’t sound so young. Then declaring oneself to be 27 feels like you should have more or less some good grasp where you are in society (like a status check) and by 28, you should already have a good idea about what you are doing, where you are going and when things will happen in one's life in relation to one's future. the whys and hows of life in relation to society come around 29 to 30.

I'm tired but I'm working. there's just some work that needs to be done and deadlines to meet. Im thinking of using my compensatory leaves to clean up my room and do some reviewing. Its too early to do some christmas window shopping.

I care but I'm worthless. I think its more of I care but its pointless. If its pointless because it wont change anything then im worthless.

I'm here but I'm really gone. My mind is always somewhere else. That’s why I had a fender bender last month. That’s why I keep forgetting and losing stuff.

I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby. That’s the most I can do. Say sorry. after that I move forward. Its rare for me to try to go back and correct my mistake.

i miss alanis morissette.

going missing2

my medical records in another clinic are missing too. at least the doctor remembers that i was her patient earlier this year (so those check-ups were real and not just my imagination or something). they just dont know where it is.

other stuff that are missing:
my swiss army knife. i have an idea where i probably left it but unfortunately, i cant go back to that place. well, more of i dont want to go back to that place and check whether i left my swiss army knife there.

my parker fountain pen. i have no idea when and where was the last time i saw my fountain pen. i just use it to sign documents. but like my other possessions, ive formed an attachment to this pen.

my NSO birth certificate. even my parents are clueless where it went.

ignorance is bliss

im starting to think that my cousin was right. maybe thinking is overrated. by thinking a lot or thinking too much, i see things differently from most people. and lately, i really want to stop seeing the things i see. and i can only stop seeing these things when i stop thinking, when i stop anticipating. but the choice i made requires me to be at least two steps ahead of everyone. so what will i do now? well, i have no choice but to continue. if in the end my cousin is right, ive made my choice already and whats done is done.

its Ock-tow-bur!

if ever im going to suffer from severe amnesia, this month is the perfect time for it. next month would be too late. too bad there's no Goldfield's syndrome. but then again, its not the new memories that i dont want to recover. so im really aiming for retrograde amnesia. i wonder if a mild stroke can do the trick.

going missing

i dropped by the infirmary a while ago. and my medical records are missing. what the? i just had my consultation there a few months ago. why didnt my records come back? and why do their records indicate that the last time they saw my medical records was way back in 2007? ive probably went to the infirmary around 4 to 5 times after 2007. if i were a paranoid person, i would say that proof of my stay and existence is being erased. important records are going missing. but im not that paranoid. for me, these occurrences are just making things really difficult and inconvenient for me.

another explanation would be is that...its only in my head that ive been going to the infirmary. that im some kind of schizo and im having my lucid interval now. i wonder if i really am too sane to go insane.

boring!

im really, really, really, really, really bored. and im tired of trying to amuse myself. and im tired of doing the same old stuff that never works and always ends up in disappointment. life never lets me have the type of fun i want. hey october, can you bring me something fun and interesting? last time i had fun was...3 to 4 years ago. now im just trying to keep myself occupied so i wont notice the boredom. i dont know how much longer i can try not to notice how boring things have become. even if ive been meeting a lot of people lately, everyone is just average.

some kind of assessment report

its been more than 3 months since i started working. have i saved any money? no. why? because i have the tendency to spend a lot when im miserable. and unfortunately, im always miserable. and i have vices. and i have an addictive personality. well, ive always been miserable before but this is the first time that im having difficulty controlling myself even if my self-restraints are in place. i guess there's really no turning back. i have to come up with a new way to deal with old problems. things really have changed for the worse.

im no longer trying not to be consumed by hatred. unfortunately, the promise i made is just so strong that even if i welcome hatred with open arms, it can no longer consume me (i want to hate but i cant). well, for now it cant. maybe someday it will figure a way how. the thing is, i think im one of those people who live a better life having hate as their baggage. i dont think being a loving person will work for me. it just drains a lot of my energy for nothing.

as for health related stuff, im wrong with my prediction about the right foot injury. first, its not the right foot. its the left one. second, its not an injury. there's just something wrong with my left foot. my big toe has been numb since friday afternoon and i feel pain on (or in? whatever. killed a lot of brain cells already. ive been drinking too much that lately, when i drink beer, my system wants to reject it by making me hate its taste. i guess my brain cells really cant afford seeing more brain cells die) the inner half of my left foot when i apply pressure. also, i just had a fever last night. not sure if im working too much. this is the third time in my lifetime this kind of fever happened.

anyway, assessing my situation now, i cant move forward because ive changed. ive trained myself for this situation, this predicament. i saw this coming years ago so i prepared for this point in time but ive been changed. and that change in me is rendering my preparations useless. and its all because i deviated from the plan. i have no one to blame but myself. what pisses me off is that no matter how much i try to bring my old self back, i cant reach the same level i already achieved before. im substantially my old self but not quite. the fact the realization and the awareness remains just makes it impossible to revert. much as i want to forget, my will is not strong enough to erase things that should be erased. and a part of me took measures to ensure that i wont be able to distort the memory. there will always be something to remind me.

given my current situation, it make me wonder, if we have free will, how come the choice i made is being made difficult or close to impossible to achieve?

cant i demand for equivalent exchange?

how come i cant trade 20 Hail Marys for 75 Glory Bes or 40 Our Fathers? or all three as long as the Haily Marys are reduced by around half. when can i get my Amen? sorry but i do complain a lot and im still annoyingly stubborn and skeptical.

i got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match.

some people say im being hard on myself. am i? then why do i have these problems? why am i in this peculiar sui generis predicament? why do i have a year filled with failures and bad decisions? why cant i come up with solutions or answers? if im being hard on myself, its because thats easier to do than face the problems i now have. i cant even allow myself to relax because if i do, im reminded of these bad things i have to overcome. yes, im trying to run away from my probems even if i know i will never be able to escape them. i just dont know what to do but to walk aimlessly with my eyes closed and try not to care. there is no one who can help me now. if there is still someone that could help, the help that can be provided is really not a way out but going further in. its like digging a deeper grave. actually, its not like digging a deeper grave. it is digging a deeper grave. right now, the only real way out is to give up and lose everything. i have to start from scratch. and thats not really a very good choice but its the real way out. what a catch.

i try to live life passively, i get shit. i try to do something about it and go get what i want, not only dont i get what i want, i get more shit. shit does happen a lot to me. now that i think about it, losing my eyesight isnt that bad after all.

i wonder if i ever will have the burger king slogan. when will life tell me: "Have it your way".

i was right that i wont like september

im tired of being right. well, i mean of being able to see things ahead. and not being proven wrong.

a few weeks ago, maybe a month or two, i noticed someone whom i dont know personally but i felt that she is someone i should take note of. why? because i knew it was only a matter of time before i come across this person. well, i was right. whats the significance? not clear. maybe it has no significance at all. it just so happens that i knew weeks ahead that i will encounter this person in the future. and im wondering if she is as aware as i am of such probable encounter.

another example is as early as 2005, i knew that im going to face the problem that im having right now. it was somewhat obvious to me then that this problem will arise but other people didnt see it. so i listened to them instead just to see whether i was wrong. well, they were wrong.

of course, im not right 100% of the time but usually i get to "see" whats about to happen, where things are heading. and that worries me sometimes. because the things im seeing arent really things to look forward to. thats why im not really that excited about each day. it brings me closer to days i hope i wont live long enough to see. i guess im just not done paying for the sins ive committed so i have to live and endure those days im afraid to have.

right now, i really hope im wrong that there's something wrong with my eyesight.

im having second thoughts but my answer is still NO!

is there such a thing as fate? or destiny? i think there is. but i also think its not completely inevitable. we have free will after all. it just so happens that refusal to comply with what fate or destiny has in mind is like refusing to fulfill one's purpose. for me it makes sense because whats the point of each one's existence if it has no purpose. and in order to have a purpose, there must be some grand design that has been set. without it, whats the point of each one's purpose?

i know there has been some kind of lecture about this in one of my college classes. i just cant recall whether it was in one of those theology classes or philosophy classes. so i dont know whether im getting it right or not.

anyway, the reason why im thinking about it is because yesterday i was reminded of how much people still have faith in me (no matter how many times ive purposely discredited myself) which made me think whether its really my fate to do things that people believe i can do. or should do. or must become. that what i want to be or what i want to have will never matter. that even if i try to take another path, i will be forced back to become what i need to be. to come crashing back to where im supposed to be. just to fulfill a purpose.

i just want a simple and short life. but unfortunately, its hard to have that when im an immensely complicated person who might live a life longer than i expected. ive tried twice to be seriously ill to shorten my life span (which i used to call back in 2006 as a loophole to the definition of suicide). but well, im not as seriously ill as i want to be. im just in pain. ive had a bunch of close calls but a close call really isnt enough to be a one way ticket out of here.

there are no accidents and everything happens for a reason. i believe in these two statements. but not because i believe means i also live a life in accordance with it. how can i get that simple life if i keep making things complicated? i just dont know how long i can stay stubborn with the kind of pressure life is exerting lately.

september brought the rain

yesterday, it rained all day. and yesterday i thought it was one of the most beautiful rainy days ive had. i just thought so. an entire day of rain. i simply liked it. i wanted to go out but i really had no intention of going anywhere but just enjoy the rain. i really thought that yesterday was one of the most beautiful rainy days ive had. that was what i thought yesterday. i had no idea how bad it was for other residents of metro manila.

would i say that what happened yesterday was tragic? not really. i think what happened yesterday was something i would call...fair. that "imperial manila" must have its fair share of natural disasters. people in metro manila do not feel the kind of impact natural disasters bring when they hit other parts of the country. metro manila is much more "equipped" to address natural disasters.

people here have very convenient lives. and what happened yesterday was more of an inconvenience than a metro wide tragedy. sure, lives were lost and thousands have been displaced but after a few weeks, people will move on and revert back to their lives as if yesterday did not happen. only a few will learn some kind of lesson from this experience. those who will learn are those who will call yesterday a tragedy. and i believe that it is a tragedy..for them. but for most people in metro manila, i think yesterday was a mere inconvenience. a memory that will be used as a story for some social gathering rather than a deep personal experience where a lesson should be derived from. what lesson can be derived from yesterday? i dont know. im only one of the hundreds who merely experienced an inconvenience (hours of power outage and thinking how i can do some work during the weekend with a laptop with a battery that lasts for only 15 minutes).

but then again, im just someone who has high standards. that a tragedy should be something not even an opportunists can easily take advantage of (after watching the news, i thought the heavens might be favoring a presidential candidate by giving him this opportunity). or something that will truly break one's spirit. and once broken, either that spirit stays broken or forces itself to rise and fight back. a tragedy for me is something that will force change, for the better or for the worse. if no change will be induced, i think that tragedy is a tragedy in itself.

things to watch out for...

right foot injury - accidents happen

eyesight loss - well, some things become worse if left untreated

heart problems - ordinary wear and tear

memory loss/amnesia - wouldnt it be nice to have the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

of the four, the second is the most realistic at the moment. and its the one i really dont want to happen. i mean, amnesia's fine. the heart suddenly deciding to rest and stop pumping isnt much of an issue for me. and a right foot injury is bad but i think i can manage that. but losing my eyesight? one of things i fear most.

its September 21!

and its only Sept20 in the US. only 24 more hours and its thank God for How I Met Your Mother! please HIMYM Season 5, dont be a disappointment like TF2. youre one of the few things i look forward to every week.

i believe...

there's always a way out. always. when youre in deep shit, you dont have to go further in. theres always a way out. problem is sometimes, going further in is better than looking for a way out. but still, its a way out. sometimes the problem is, what are you willing to do to get out? or how far will you go to get out?

that there is no such thing as coincidence. everything happens for a reason. or there must be an underlying reason for everything that happens. because if there's none, life is just being cruel. well, life is fortunate that we have the freedom to come up and believe whatever reason we can find.

that once is enough when it comes to giving someone a chance. a second chance is not worth giving. it will only lead to disappointment. like earlier, i shouldnt have given her a chance to make up for what she did. but i did. and what happened? i ended up wasting my time, trying not to lose my temper and her telling me "maybe now is not the right time. maybe next time". what!? how can she turn this around just like that? im the one being open to whatever she had to say and i end up being the one who appears to be on the wrong side. it made me wonder, does she really think she is worth that much just because i gave her another chance to make things right?

that there's always time for everything. its all about time management. but sometimes, the problem is, we cant keep up with time. we grow old, we become weak, we prioritize the wrong things. and time never stops running. we either end up wasting it or making sure every minute of it is spent wisely. its never time's fault when someone runs out of time.

that there is no such thing as no such thing. anything is possible. impossible is nothing. well, this is what i tell myself to believe. not because i believe in it means its true or will actually happen. as the song goes, don't stop believing. it might hurt but well, everybody hurts.

that God exists. i believe in Him. unfortunately He created me skeptical and stubborn. i dont know how it works out or if it works out but i do believe. i have faith. problem is, God also created me as someone cursed/gifted with inner contradictions. im both of most, if not all, opposites or extremes.

i want control

No matter how hard you plan your life. Life has a plan for you on it's own. Life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control...resistance is futile (Wedding Daze, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Star Trek).

Hmm. So what's your plan life? is it good? i might like it but, well, you know, i have plans of my own.

You know life, i wish i could make a deal with you. if i could make a deal with you, this is my offer:

"i will be open to whatever plan you have. i will give you a 4 hour window tomorrow to present to me your plan. go nuts on how you want to present it. of course i am free to reject your proposal but at least im open enough to consider your proposal. after that four hour window, i will only listen to myself, go ahead with my plan and only God can stop me. i will restore this motto which ive used before 2004. im impatient life. if life wont happen, then it will never happen. never. and im starting to think you are just being cruel with all the disruptions youve been causing lately. of course i dont expect you will stop disturbing me. but after that four hour window to convince me otherwise, i will do everything i can to prevail. i wont lose to you life. and you know how far i can go just to win.

so life, you have four hours to come get me. after that, the stronger you push me, the harder my resistance will be. if you fail to persuade me tomorrow, im going to live you the way i did before: never stopping for anyone, no regrets for every decision."

unfortunately for me, i tried this kind of proposal before and life didnt accept it. but that doesnt mean i cant try one more time and just go ahead and do it anway if life rejects it. now life, if you are willing to accept this offer, you know when that four hour window begins and ends. im not expecting you to accept it but in case you dont accept, i wont allow you to change my plans again.

sober is so boring

the great Homer S. once said: alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

life. what is the meaning of life? i think there are two ways of searching for the answer to such question. one way is by doing it objectively or by primarily using one's mind. the other way is by doing it subjectively or using one's heart. the former i believe makes one live a sad and miserable life without really living life. he lives life having emotions in moderate amounts. he is able to gain some form of contentment and peace. he sees a glimpse of the answer. but of course, a glimpse of the answer is not the same as seeing and having the answer. the latter approach makes one live life. he engages in it, he is immersed in a wider range and stronger set of emotions. anger, love, happiness, hatred, etc. in this approach i think the person is closer to the answer or probably able to grasp it but cannot explain and share it for the world to know. for the world to finally know the answer to the question that has puzzled most men since time immemorial. or at least when he started asking "why?" (that eventually lead to questions regarding one's existence).

alcohol. what is alcohol? alcohol is the possimpible. it can make a subjective man objective and an objective man subjective. it makes the improbable happen. it can even make the impossible occur. alcohol is the best medicine for some. alcohol is the best thing that ever happened to some. alcohol is the shiznit. if life sucks, alcohol is your cause and your solution. with alcohol, you dont even have to finish a sentence. it knows no rules...on grammar. you dont even have to make sense. it makes one feel powerful and become powerless at the same time. it makes contradictions meet. it makes life exciting and interesting for both the intoxicated and non-intoxicated. and an exciting life gives meaning to life. so alcohol is the bearer of life's meaning. twisted logic. aaah, alcohol. you are one of the best things that man created and God made possible.

im going to keep my promise that i wont drink alcohol for the next two weeks. by saturday, its going to be two full weeks. good thing i said maybe longer. the word "maybe" really makes a lot of difference. sorry life, but without alcohol, you are just plain boring.

maybe i will but for now i wont

God, i know what You are trying to do, where You are trying to lead me, what You are trying to make me see. i hear You loud and clear. Your messages cant be any clearer. Unfortunately, i am Your stubborn son and i still refuse to fulfill what i think You want me to do. its not that i inherently dont want to do what You want me to do, what You want me to be, what You want me to fulfill. its just that i have doubts whether it has to be me that has to do it. whether i understand You correctly. You know that i am excessively and annoyingly skeptical about everything. and of course, that i am Your stubborn son. And unlike normal people, the promise of happiness isnt really that enticing for me. im preparing myself again to live this life i have now until the end. i guess happiness just isnt my thing. it makes me paranoid, it deprives me of the small amount of inner peace i always struggle to acquire and establish. its one of the things i really am afraid of. maybe when push comes to shove, i will give in to Your plans. i will embrace wholeheartedly what i think You have planned for me. that is, if push comes to shove. but for now, i remain to be Your stubborn son who will not allow himself to be subjected to whatever divine force You subject Your people to. maybe someday Your universe will happily tell me, "that's fortuna for you". but for now, i will not give Your universe that pleasure and i will resist the force of Your universe. Your universe is something i tried to trust. and that i cannot do again anytime soon. nor can i promise i ever will trust it again. God, im sorry. I am your stubborn son after all.

and if there is such a thing as reincarnation or something like that, i guess i didnt progress in this lifetime. i guess there's no level up for me in the next life just because i refuse to learn what i ought to learn.

months of the year

i dont like this September. why? i dont know. i just dont like it. even if season 5 of How I Met Your Mother will begin on September 21. and its not because i wont be taking the bar this year. so if there's anything i shouldnt like regarding taking the bar, its the year, not the month. so one thing i dont like about 2009 is the fact that i wasnt i able to take it this year. so i dont have problems with September with regard to taking the bar. so why dont i like it? like i said, i dont know. its like months ago when i thought April has something malevolent up its sleeve. why did i think April was malevolent? no reason, i just thought it was malevolent. in a way, it was. and August always has a nasty and unfortunate surprise. i have no comments about May, June and July. they were somewhat average. somewhat. not completely average. January, February and March of this year were notable but i didnt know what to expect before they happened. so what do i think about October? i dont have any comment for October yet. the same goes for November. but the thing with November is that i always end up liking it. well, i have a bias for November. as for December, i had a weird vague memory earlier this day that someone will beat me up on December. the weirder part is, how the hell did i have a vague memory of it? or maybe i was still heavily intoxicated. or maybe i have brain damage caused by regular intake of alcohol in increasing amounts. or simply insanity caused by boredom and inner contradictions.

Philippine politics just got interesting

whats up with the Mar and Noynoy thing? well, im not that surprised when Mar said he would give up (for the moment) running for the presidency. sure he already spent a lot in terms of money and effort but it wasnt much of a sacrifice for Mar. and my definition of sacrifice is when one has everything to lose and nothing to gain (i think that would be a fitting definition for someone who is hard to please or someone with ridiculously high standards). by not aiming for the presidency and opting to support Noynoy, he has something substantial to gain aside from uniting his party (which is obvious from the public's reaction towards his decision). it wasnt really a loss on his part. well, in a way it was a loss but its also a win. what he did was admirable and it was a very difficult decision to make but it was also very strategic (which is also admirable). thats playing your cards right without allowing one's judgment be clouded by ambition. and Noynoy is also playing it well. not because there's a clamor for him to run doesnt mean he must run.

but, whats interesting to see (interesting for me) is if they can possibly play whatever theyre doing right now in a manner that in the end, Mar will still run for president and Noynoy for VP (not that this is the tandem i want but i just find it interesting if they will pull off something like this. so they arent my candidates for next year's elections. i havent decided yet who im going to vote for next year. its too early to decide). that after Noynoy's reflection, he would decide not to run for president and would rather have Mar do it and he would have his supporters support Mar instead. seeing that he is not that prepared for the highest position in this third world country compared to Mar and based from Mar's willingness to sacrifice his personal ambition, Mar would appear to be more capable to lead this country. so Noynoy would have to sacrifice the collective ambition of his supporters, not lose their support and convert their support in favor of Mar.

But some would argue that Cory Aquino wasnt that prepared to become president when she became president. Noynoy's situation is different. and the times are different. so i think its not appropriate to compare the two. besides, its implying that only another member of the Aquino family can replicate or do what Cory Aquino did. and im digressing. point is, i thought that Noynoy announcing that he wont run for president and would rather settle for VP and would ask Mar to run for president instead was a ridiculous thing for them to do. but then again, i thought if they play it right, if they say the right words to the right people at the right time and induce the right circumstances (which entails a very intricate plan that has to be executed almost flawlessly by very capable people...or simply a group of excellent puppet masters with charming and persuasive marionettes), Noynoy could get his supporters to support Mar for president and Noynoy, by settling for VP would gain some time to prove his worth to those who have doubts about his capacity to lead as President. because i doubt that Noynoy's current supporters would be enough (assuming that he wins for President) to allow Noynoy to run this country for six years as his supporters would want him to run it. sure he is gaining strong and prominent supporters but i think we should look beyond the elections. can these supporters really support Noynoy for six years? can they defend him? or are they willing to defend him in all instances or most instances? as for Mar, i dont think he needs that kind of support beyond the elections. when he decided to run for president, he must have taken everything to consideration already in order to run the country in whatever way he wants to run it. as for Noynoy, does he have enough time to prepare how to run a country? again, there's the argument that Cory didnt plan or wasnt that prepared. but does Noynoy have the same kind of support as Cory? not the same nature, but the same kind. nature and kind are two different things. my point is, i think Noynoy can only run this country as long as he has his supporters and he has capable supporters. look at GMA, she's very unpopular and doesnt have much supporters but she continues to run this country the way she wants to simply because she knows how to stay in power by having a handful of useful and significant supporters. what GMA is doing is not admirable but its disgustingly impressive. Can Noynoy stay in power in case he loses his supporters? an important question would be, why would we want Noynoy to stay in power if he no longer has supporters? well, its one of the challenges every leader of any country should be capable of. ideally, staying in power should be through the support of the citizenry. but i think any one aspiring for the highest position should be prepared and capable of staying in power and finish the term even without supporters as long as there's no better alternative.

and why the hell am i writing about politics? on a sunday! i should be doing something non sensical or reading a book or watching a rented DVD or downloaded sitcom. not in the mood to review on a bar exam day.

today is a sunday

and today is the first sunday of the 2009 bar exams. what the? well, i was aware of it...but i wasnt that aware. ive been really busy lately. its only now (and i really mean right at this moment) that its sinking in that today is the first sunday my law batchmates will take the first of four installments of the bar examinations. i think its the most difficult bar examinations in the world but not the most difficult exam. whats my basis? none. except that it takes four whole sundays to accomplish, its civil law and its almost 4 years worth of knowledge in Philippine law supposed to be reviewed in more or less 5 months. and then theres the handwriting factor. damn it. anyway, i tried to take the bar exam this year but well, this just isnt my year. this is the year where everything i do ends up badly. so i guess im lucky that i wont be taking the bar this year.

taking a break from taking a break

cant believe im going to say this but i will not drink alcohol...for the next 2 weeks (or maybe longer). im not the type who's prone to hang overs. if memory serves me right, ive only had two hangovers. the first one i cant recall but the 2nd one was just months ago and the 2nd one was nastier than the first. anyway, i didnt wake up with a hangover (ok...that just confused me. i just digressed because the hangover has nothing to do with what im really trying to say which is what im about to say) but i can still feel the alcohol running through my blood stream. if i sweat, it would probably smell like alcohol. and ive been vomit free since August 2003. wait, i think ive vomitted after 2003...from a night of drinking somewhere in Makati...this year...but that cant be right...oh yeah...i remember...it was the night before the nasty hangover. ok. so i wasnt vomit free since August 2003. anyway, i think i vomitted twice last night. one because i reached my limit (when i drink and i reach my "drinking" limit, i get really sleepy...and i sleep. and the last time that happened was August 2003). two because i need to remove as much alcohol from my system because i need to sober up quickly because im going to drive home. it usually takes me an hour to sober up or at least sober enough to drive. usually i enjoy driving while intoxicated but last night i didnt. i really just wanted to sleep while i was driving home. my level of intoxication was in another level. now im having second thoughts if i can handle the "submarine".

ok. i think i really need to take a break from drinking. ive killed a lot of brain cells already. and i really need my brain right now.

making no sense at all

i have this strange feeling something's wrong. that something's up and i cant tell what it is. its not twilight zone kind of wrong but there's just something wrong with...something. while walking home and watching cars go by, things just feel a little different and wrong. i cant explain it because i dont even understand it.

in an unrelated matter yet somewhat similar matter, i also feel threatened. threatened by what? again, i dont know. by some unknown something. i feel like something is about to find me when i dont want to be found. its not really like running away from something and then being caught but more of being found and not wanting to be found. its like the existence of something is threatened by...something. its like something has come back and i dont like whatever that came back.

anyway, if anyone asks me what's wrong with me, im just going to say im suffering from selective mutism coupled with sensory defensiveness. i hope i dont lose my eyesight. i miss my heightened sense of awareness. Philippine politics just got interesting. now im just saying stuff that has no relation to each other and putting them together in one paragraph.

did i stutter?

yes i did. i think i have a stuttering problem. not severe. but i do stutter like a dumb idiot. i dont know when i developed this. usually i stutter when i get overwhelmed by emotions but lately i stutter half of the time. i might be developing some brain damage. or i just have a speech disorder called stuttering. or its only now that i noticed it.

so my doubt is the destructive kind?

According to a facebook application, this is what God wanted to say to me today:

On this day of your life, Tristan, we believe God wants you to know... that doubt is the rust of life.

Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not alive. So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now.

Before getting God's supposed message to me, i saw and read God's message to a blockmate and this is what God had to say to her:

Gladys got a message that on this day, God wants her to know... that doubt is the greatest gift, - it's the space between two certainties.

Any change on its way from one place of stability to the next one, passes through a period of doubt. Your old perspective has to disintegrate, and doubt comes in for a visit - even if only for a moment, before the new perspective takes root. Doubt is your greatest gift, because from doubt you can go anywhere.

Ok. so we both got a message about doubt. and it got me thinking how come my message about doubt is negative? why cant i have her message? her message is how i view doubt in the first place. i guess God doesnt have to say that to me. anyway, it reminded me of what my cousin told me years ago, around 2003 to be more exact. that i should establish and go to a skeptics anonymous meeting or something.

ive always liked the fact that im a skeptic. and my message is telling me its not good for me because its preventing me from being truly alive. what is being alive all about really? and that my heart knows what is best? i doubt it. why would i want to follow what my heart dictates when it might make me a slave to my own emotions? why would i want that? and why the sense of urgency? why take it right now? is it going to be too late? well, the message has a point but i doubt i will follow the message. for now at least.

Ha!

The good thing about having this stupidstitious belief about August is that it makes me more cautious than usual. like for example what just happened now. Hearing the thunder outside made me think of the possibility of power fluctuation due to a...i dont know...weather disturbance? Knowing its August, i quickly decided to save all the files im working on in my flash drive and transfer my work from the work PC to my laptop. after making the transfer, since i cant afford the work PC crashing again (since my work emails are stored there), i shut it down. less than 5 minutes from transferring the files (and i havent even started resuming my work on the laptop), the power fluctuated. Ha! im ahead of you August. if i didnt make the transfer, i would have just slapped my forehead and lost a whole day's worth of work. well, if the PC crashed, that would be a month's worth of work...and irreversible damage due to the lost files.

i guess ive improved my disaster risk management skills.

wanting more than life can offer

when was the last time i practiced an ascetic lifestyle? i look at myself now and i see no trace of what i used to be. i had a sense of discipline then. well, more of self-control. my wants and desires were fully restrained. too restrained that i felt that they didn't exist. i didnt have a longing for things (well, not as much as i do now). there's only need. now im just a materialistic person. i still operate on the basis of need but there is now a recognition that i do want things in life other than the basic necessities. ive become that person i used to prevent myself from becoming. someone who is having a difficult time controlling himself and his desires.

there's nothing wrong with wanting stuff. the problem lies with wanting more and not being contented or satisfied. im not going to say its immoral to want more than necessary but its really a problem because one will be in a perpetual state of frustration and dissatisfaction. especially when one has the tendency to be greedy. there's no such thing as enough for a greedy person. there's always something more. having it all means a never ending desire to acquire things just for the sake of acquiring it. there's no such thing as enough.

i used to aspire to live a very simple life because i know my greedy tendencies. i limit myself to the basic necessities. only go for what i need. my wants and my happiness were never my concern. i managed to get by without it. well, i had to. because i knew then that i will never be happy with something not good enough. i would rather not have what this life can offer if its not good enough. it will only disappoint me in the end. now that i think about it, its kind of weird that i denied myself things, like happiness, for the simple reason that i want more than what's available to be given or offered. so, my ascetic lifestyle was based on an "all or nothing" philosophy.

the last time i remember trying to live an ascetic lifestyle was 2003. i really should revert back to my old ways. besides, i think that lifestyle is more attuned with where im heading right now.

am i missing the obvious?

Around the last week of April or maybe around first few weeks of May, i started looking for my scapular. Why? i dont know. back then, i just felt i had to look for it. and i didnt find it. i looked for it at the places i thought it would be. it wasnt there. it was only yesterday that i saw it by accident. where was it? right in front of me. well, if i were working at my study table. it was just there, out in the open, right before my eyes, in my direct line of vision. and i looked for it inside the cabinet right behind me. so i was searching for something thats right before me all this time, and i looked for it at the wrong place, facing the wrong direction. and i finally found it at the "wrong" time. well, wrong time because i dont have that same feeling of wanting to have it as before. but why i felt or had the need to have it before, that i dont know. a scapular is said to be something that will provide protection from danger or evil spirits. well, nothing of that sort happened to me since April. but a scapular is more than that. according to wikipedia, "devotional scapulars are sacramentals, primarily worn by Roman Catholics, designed to show the wearer's pledge to a confraternity, a saint, or a way of life, as well as reminding the wearer of that promise". Now that i found my scapular again, im now considering taking seriously the "pledge" i made a few years ago, around 2006. a pledge that i made for the wrong reason. the thing about this pledge is, its going to be difficult to live a lifestyle in accordance with this pledge.

why so serious?

"Do you always have to have a purpose? Do you always have to be so damn serious? Can’t you ever do things without reason, just like everybody else? You’re so serious, so old. Everything’s important with you, everything’s great, significant in some way, every minute, even when you keep still. Can’t you ever be comfortable--and unimportant?" - Peter Keating

i realized that this might be the answer to the question:

"I am more comfortable tense." - Andre Clement

work

for a guy who once promised himself that he will get a job involving the great outdoors, i really suck at keeping that promise.

not that i dont like my job (actually i like it because the work im involved in is related to my college course). its just that, i never thought im going to be really ok with it. i mean, its really an indoor office work (so its not really the nature of the work. its more on the place of the work). and i dont find it loathsome. thats how i thought being in a cubicle all day long would feel.

i use two computers. the work PC and my laptop. i use both simultaneously. i multitask. i use my laptop for personal stuff and work PC for work stuff. obviously. but there are times that i use both for work stuff. so the work PC manages the emails, calendar, and some files, while the laptop manages research, drafts and some more files i didnt transfer to the work PC. and i do that while im on the phone and receiving text messages. good thing i learned to multitask this year. and i dont do that all day. because if i do that all day, my brain would have to learn how to think in four ways independently and simultaneously.

and i synchronize the two computers with my PDA. and i use the PDA to update my cellphone's contact details.

i guess what makes this office job not as bad as i once thought is the fact that...i dont know. i really dont know. i guess i just dont know myself that much. that i could like things i thought i would hate.

give and take

there's always someone there for me. i find that puzzling and a bit weird. why is it that wherever i go, there's always someone ready and willing to help. and most of them aren't expecting anything in return. why is that? in a way i do understand that its possible to help someone and not expect anything in return but for me, it makes more sense to at least get something back. im a believer of the equivalent exchange rule.

but then again, there are those who do ask for something in return. or dont ask for it but they make you feel that you are obliged to give something in return. back then, i could easily say "i never asked for your help. i didnt seek your assistance". well, back then, my attitude was "so what if i benefited? you gave it, i took it, i dont feel obliged to give anything in return. the way i see it, it was purely voluntary on your part and i passively accepted. why do i have to actively do something to return the favor i didnt ask for?". anyway, now it just feels plain wrong not to have a sense of gratitude. i benefited so its only fair to give some kind of compensation to the person who provided such benefit. this "adult" way of doing things sucks but thats how this world operates. thats being fair. thats preventing unjust enrichment. in a way, the gratitude system can be a mechanism to moderate greed, now that i think about it. can be. but not actually.

take care because i dont

for an excessively cautious person like me who tries to foresee everything and prepare for it, i can be ridiculously reckless sometimes. the annoying thing about this is that, sometimes its the reckless things that happen that matter more.

there's only one loser in this scenario

see more Fail Blog

I good you bid evening

You can do whatever you want to do with your life but one day you'll know what love truly is. Its the sour and the sweet. And i know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet. - Brian Shelby

Your subconscious can always play tricks on you. the subconscious is a very powerful thing - Rebecca Dearborn


Its in his nature to fight for his existence. - Edmund Ventura

Just finished watching Vanilla Sky. I don't even know why i rented it. i just did. anyway, it reminded me of how powerful the subconscious is. and i just realized that ive been telling people that im getting some sleep or enough sleep but at the same time people are telling me that i need to sleep or whether ive had some sleep. and come to think of it, ive been taking short naps during work and i fall asleep from time to time during review classes. makes me wonder, have i really been sleeping? i think so. maybe im just really sleepy during the day lately. i dont know. i hope my subconscious isnt playing tricks on me. if it is, at least i dont have mysterious bruises or scratches when i wake up like a few years ago. those scratches puzzled me actually. but i didnt give it much thought.

i also realized that i should stop thinking of the subconscious in the traditional sense. im starting to think that my subconscious is already operating in the concious world and not restricted in some separate realm. the subconscious is really a tricky creature. because now that i take a closer look at how things are, it seems that theyve been orchestrated.

anyway, i didnt know that swallowing meant something. or its just a girl with crazy eyes theory. like the "when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not." thats like a very dangerous unwritten rule. i really should work on the RPC. but before that, i really should get some sleep.

Megan Fox PSA

Whew!

i did something idiotic earlier. i deleted my recycle bin! when i saw my recycle bin disappear from my desktop, i wondered, why the hell would there be an option to delete the recycle bin? anyway, this guy Leo and his website was very useful. im now seriously considering ditching Windows Vista.

five seconds

thats the only the time needed by august to do what it has to do.

this day started around almost noon. had lunch at pizza hut since the line at KFC was long and it was already crowded. i thought that by the time i get my order, i probably wont have a place to sit. thats why i opted to eat at pizza hut. table for one i said to the waiter. this is in taft avenue area. it took some time before i got my order. and when i got it, they gave me a one piece roast chicken that was very difficult to eat. that was probably the most difficult chicken wing ive ever had. i wished i chose kenny rogers instead. so i said to myself, no surprise there. not only am i not lucky during august, im very unlucky. little did i know that august was just warming up.

after eating my lunch, rode the LRT to go to QC. i had to get the van so i can pick up my stuff. i just had to schedule my moving out of the apartment on the first day of august. i thought i could take whatever august has in store for me. besides, i have no choice. i was busy during the last few days of july. i really had no other option. anyway, while i was walking from the LRT station towards the MRT Taft station, i was holding my left back pocket to see if my phone was there. i was walking with a moving crowd of people so i had to check my pockets from time to time. pickpockets could strike anytime. well, my phone was there. more or less five seconds later, i checked my pocket again, my phone was gone. what the? i stopped walking and checked again. my phone wasnt there. i looked around to see if there's anyone suspicious. nope. everyone was minding their own business and really looked like no one had an idea that i just lost my phone. i checked again. my phone was no where to be found.

it took me around 30 minutes before i got over it. after 30 minutes, i accepted the fact that my phone was gone and i need to buy a new one. and then start getting people's numbers and contact details. damn it.

well, august, the good thing about you is that you are always on schedule and you are one reliable bastard. a window of five seconds and one of the most important things i have disappears without a trace. i love that phone and you took it. you really are one crazy piece of shit august. so, what else you got? im going to endure 30 more of your worthless days because with the year ive been through, i have nothing to lose anymore but my non-existent chains.

will august bring the rain?

at this moment, im not that worried about august. or maybe i just dont want to worry about it.

not that im expecting it to be kind to me this year and not give me tons of unfortunate shit but it just so happens that ive been through a lot of shit already. whatever august has in store for me...well, it could just simply be another bunch of unfortunate shit ive been having since the first half of this year...or could finally send me to my tipping point.

my optimist self is saying that in any case, its a good thing for me. "whatever" replies my pessimist self. "whatever doesnt kill me will make me harder, better, faster and stronger" says my optimist self. pessimist self replies with a dead pan expression saying, "i love your sense of humor. it tickles every inch of my body. we can take august on any time with that kind of attitude and it wont hurt. not one bit." optimist self just smiles back. i think im going to have a lot of this optimist-pessimist shit next month.

if ever august is the month that will bring the rain, i just hope that the shit ive been through changed me enough that i will still be standing once the rain is over. im really getting tired with all the crap the other months have given me.

i initially wanted to write something like me challenging august to bring the rain. that after all the shit ive been through, august can do me no wrong. then i realized, im really tired. i dont want to put up with any more shit. i want a ceasefire from shit being thrown at me. but then again, thats not how it goes. i just dont know where i will get the energy to take august on in case its the one that will bring the rain. i feel old and weak. crap..

more or less 16 months and 20 days?

500 Days of Summer

Trailer: Click HERE
Movie Info: Click HERE and HERE
Official Site: Click HERE
Movie Review: Click HERE
Soundtrack: Click HERE

i havent posted anything movie related for quite some time. and im not even sure if this movie is any good. i just learned about it yesterday and it seems good enough because zooey deschanel is in it.

identity crisis

i just googled myself (something i do from time to time) and found out there's this other guy with the same first name and family name. and this search result is something recent, like this month (well, i havent googled myself for quite some time). what the? ok...that might also be his name. i mean, there's a good probability that someone else has the same name as me (like my high school batchmate who has the same two given names (first name and second name) as me. the similarity ended with the first name, second name and first letter of the surname).

whats bothering me is that i love my name. i really do. and the fact that someone has the same name as me is just something im not expecting. i thought my name is unique enough that i can really call it my own and no one elses. well, im really very possessive. anyway, good thing he appears to be younger than me. so i can claim i owned the name first. so far i havent met or heard anyone older than me that has the same "full" name (the full name i normally use is my first name and surname. if i were to use my true full name or my birth certificate name, i would have to add my second "first" name which is frederick and my middle name or initial. second name sometimes refer to mother's maiden name in some countries. in our country, second name refers to the second given name because we usually provide two "first" names in addition to the mother's maiden last name and the father's last name as surname. i think)

oh well, i guess i should start using my second given name more frequently to identify myself properly. at least i dont have to change my signature which is simply my nickname.

weight matters

im down to 148lbs. i would say its not good because i dont easily gain weight (and i dont lose this much weight either). its actually an effort for me to gain some weight.

as of january 2008, my weight was 170-172lbs.

when i graduated from college, i was 150-155lbs. that was march 2004.

when i was a college freshman, my weight was 130lbs.

i started gaining weight around 3rd year college. and i started gaining weight again around 3rd year in law school. just a coincidence. i knew how much i ate in both instances when i gained weight. around 3rd year college, my class schedule allowed me to have lunch at home so i usually ate for a full hour because i took my time eating my lunch and i ate a lot too (in addition to the food i ate in school). also i was taking some meds for my skin allergy that increased my appetite. as for my weight gain in law school, i usually eat while sitting around, waiting for people or stuff. i had a lot of money to spend for food during that time. so in both instances, it was merely an increase in appetite and food intake. and lack of physical and mental activity.

i started at 130lbs when i was a college freshman. and after 9 years my current weight now is just 18lbs away from my weight back in 2000. ive been attempting to gain some weight but i really cant maintain it for more than a week. and ive never steadily lost this much weight before. normally i lose 5 but i regain it after some time. i cant lose more weight because it took me years to gain the weight ive gained. and i really need me some blubber for next year. if things go as i want them to be, i will need to gain back the pounds i lost or reach 180lbs because i expect to lose weight next year because next year will be a very demanding year, physically and mentally.

2009 single

"I've still got a lot of years ahead of me to just erase these feelings. i want to go back and finish the things I've yet to finish."

AGAIN by YUI

I'm supposed to be chasing after my dream in this narrow winding road, stumbling in the crowds of people.

It's not that I want to return to that past, I am just searching for the sky I have lost. I hope you understand. Don't make that sad face as if you have been sacrificed. Tears aren't the end of one's sins. We have to carry it with us forever, in this maze of emotions that has no exit.

Who am I waiting for? As scribbled on the blank note, I want to blurt it out more justly. What do I want to escape from? Is it this thing called "reality"?

"For what am I living for?" In the middle of the night as my memories are fading. I can't play safe anymore, but there is nowhere to go too. There's still so much in life to remove this feeling. I will feel nostalgic about it. I welcome this pain.

I have to apologize for this. I'm sorry. I can't say it well. I'm just causing worries.

Everything that I embraced that day. Everything that I will embrace tomorrow. I will not arrange them in any order. I hope you understand. I closed my eyes but I could still see things I do not want to see.

Unnecessary rumors that I hear for the first time, so what? "Face it and we will be friends" Don't tell lies like these. My heart agitated from deep inside, a burning sensation runs through my body.

Actually I'm expecting something from this thing called "reality". "For what am I living for?" I want to shout it out loud. Can you hear me? I can't play safe anymore, but there is nowhere to go too.

I am grateful for all the kindness, so I want to become stronger to march on (im on the way). I do welcome friends and foes.

How do I open the next door? I'm thinking. The unretractable story has begun. Open your eyes. Open your eyes.

There is still so much in life to remove this feeling. I want to start all over again so that I can complete what I haven't done. Shall we go again?

"For what am I living?" I want to shout it out loud. Can you hear me? I can't play safe anymore, but there is nowhere to go too. I am grateful for all the kindness, so I want to become stronger. I feel the nostalgia.

I welcome this pain.

Music Vid: click HERE

restaurant with no exit

if you already have a feeling how your life will end, or how your life will be, will you try to change it? not because you dont like how things will be, but just because you dont want the idea that the life given to you was never truly yours to control and never will be. that there is such a thing as an inescapable fate.

would you spend the rest of your life trying to change it? even if all the efforts you do appear futile because life keeps bringing you back on the track youre supposed to take, to the fate you have been assigned to have. no matter how many wrong turns you force or deviations you make, life forces you to crash back to where you are supposed to be. really crash back. that no matter how many times you try to run away, life manages to make sure you dont get far from the track youre supposed to be in so it can easily pull you back. that you will always end up where you started to leave the track you are destined to take. would you spend your life cursing the heavens for giving you the gift of life and at the same time chaining you to a creature named fate?

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like." - Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Slippery Slope

when will the next train arrive? i want to leave this station

life is like one long train ride. you live it by sticking to the tracks. you go from one train to another but you always stick to the tracks. and its a long and difficult ride for most of us even if the trains lead to the same last station.

we start out choosing which train to ride on. usually its the one on the right track. our first train is usually the easiest one. over time, we get tired of riding it, or decide to go to a different direction and ride a different train. so we get off the next station and wonder which train to ride next. sometimes we even think when we'll ride the next train. so we stay on a station for a while. in some stations, we notice that some passengers are taking too long to decide where to go and they appear stuck. some of us then wish that they dont become one of them. so some of us ride the next train without much thought.

every time we ride a new train heading towards a new direction, we meet other passengers, we see new sceneries, we learn new things. we always gain something from every train ride. and we lose some things too.

in some train rides, some of us realize soon enough that they are on the wrong track. good for them. some realize a little later. some of us will never realize they are on the wrong track until its too late. some of these people are just waiting to reach the last station. they stop caring what train they're on or where their train is heading. for them, it wouldnt matter because all of us will reach the same last station.

some manage to get to the train that will bring them back on the right track (that is if they figure out where the right track is). some dont and keep riding one wrong train after another. so in a way, we are always on track. the question is, are we on the right one or the wrong one?

some of us are lucky enough to meet other passengers we can ride with. probably because they are heading towards the same direction in reaching the last station. or they are just making the most out of each ride until they go their separate ways and ride different trains.

some of us always ride alone, either by choice or otherwise. some of us end up riding alone.

in any case, all of us needs to keep riding these trains. there's no escaping life until we reach the last station.

life is a blur

sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. were so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we dont take the time to enjoy where we are. days go by and we hardly notice them. life becomes a blur. often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes weve made. but its too late to change anything. - calvin

2nd fuck filled day

fuck! really? another shitty day? bad news brewing everywhere. holy shitload!

is this life's law of equivalent exchange? where for every happiness you get, you have to pay for it with seven times the hardship or whatever negative or opposite equivalent of happiness. right now, you suck life! you suck big time! youre making death look so sweet and appealing. unfortunately, death doesnt like me either. damn you death! but i hate life more at the moment.

you just gave me a full year of problems, life. one of them is currently "unsolvable". and probably will be because i have killed a lot of brain cells trying to think of a solution and the answer i got is...i cant solve it alone. fuck! and it seems i have no option but to solve it alone. so now what?

life, really? a full year of foreseeable problems? meaning there's a bunch of nasty surprises in the next half of this fucked up year. i dont like them but i know life will give it to me anyway.

2009, if i make it until the 31st of december, im going to make sure im going to kick 2010's ass if 2010 will try to be the same as you 2009.

ok...i know i sound crazy because im talking to life, 2009 and 2010 but really, im just fucking pissed. that simple.

Fuck...

i dont know how many times ive said the word "fuck" today. certainly a hundred at least and im not fucking exaggerating. fuck. fuck is my word of the day for June...cant even fucking remember the date....for june 02, 2009. shit. yeah. i alternate shit and fuck but i say fuck 75% more often today. i usually say crap. but today is just fucking different. the gravity of the shit calls for the expression fuck and not crap.

if i have a travelling machine, im going to put my 2009 foot up my 2005 ass. fuck. why did my 2005 self had this stupid philosophy of "let future self worry about it". well, im future self and im fucking worrying about it now! damn you 2005 bum! shit. i mean, what the crap is the point of having a good sense of foresight when its coupled with a goddamn dumbass philosophy. i knew this will happen four years ago but my 2005 self had to say,"well, future self can handle it so im just going to be a lazy ass and sit all day". well, im having a hard time handling it 2005 piece of shit.

and why the hell is my method of teaching or making a point has to be me telling "i told you so" after doing shitty stuff at my expense? dumbass self! why cant i just make an illustration or patiently explain it? why do i have to actually do it? like, "the idea is absurd! i will prove it by actually doing it!" after going through the absurdity..."see, i told you so." fuck. now im in that absurd situation and saying "i told you so". i have made my point. and im right. now what!? time and effort lost just to make a stupid point. fuck.

2005 self, you are lucky you live in the past. now i have a choice whether to screw the life of 2012 self or save him the trouble by fixing the shit ive made now.

absurd!!!

Your Mafia of 501 fought against Big \\\\\\\"D\\\\\\\" with 54 AR-15 Assault Rifles, 2 Easter Egg Bombs, 3 AA-12 Auto Shotguns, 3 Bushmaster ACRs, 4 Midas' Butterfly Knives, 76 Napalms, a Gold Desert Eagle, 59 Bookie's Holdout Pistols, 3 Sub Machine Guns, a Bloody Webby, 185 Bonus weapons, 68 RPG Launchers, 2 Harpoon Guns, a Bloody Mop, a Tire Iron, a Weighted Knuckle Gloves , 27 Chain Guns, 10 .50 Caliber Rifles, 51 Federal Agents, 3 I Heart Mom Tattoos, 3 Half Dollar Body Armors, 66 Bodyguards, 64 Night Vision Goggles, 21 Body Armors, 104 Stab-Proof Vests, 62 Falsified Documents, 3 Bullet Proof Vests, 36 Lucky Shamrock Medallions, 50 Humvees, 57 Police Cruisers, 50 Porsche 911s, 64 Harley Davidson "Fat Boy" Motorcycles, a Veyron, 3 Indy Racers, 50 Armored Limousines, 62 Armored Cars, a Chrome Skyline, 59 Private Jets, 41 Town Cars, 59 Luxury Yachts, 3 '35 Cabriolets, and a Stolen Mail Truck.

Big \\\\\\\"D\\\\\\\"'s Mafia of 7 fought with a Gold Desert Eagle, a Sub Machine Gun, a Bloody Webby, a Tire Iron, a Car Bomb, a Chain Gun, a Trench Knife, 7 Falsified Documents, 3 Armored Limousines, and 4 Private Jets.

Big \\\\\\\"D\\\\\\\" scored a critical hit! You LOST the fight along with $100,000, taking 10 damage and dealing 8 damage to your enemy.

i was about to go online on YM when...

crap. a minute of hesitation...might as well post some quotes...

The man who is guided by concepts and abstractions only succeeds by such means in warding off misfortune, without ever gaining any happiness for himself from these abstractions. And while he aims for the greatest possible freedom from pain, the intuitive man, standing in the midst of a culture, already reaps from his intuition a harvest of continually inflowing illumination, cheer, and redemption — in addition to obtaining a defense against misfortune. To be sure, he suffers more intensely, when he suffers; he even suffers more frequently, since he does not understand how to learn from experience and keeps falling over and over again into the same ditch. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained. - William Blake

Im a Sagittarius Pig!

how could i miss the obvious! im a sagittarian...and im a pig! a sagittarius pig!

ive been studying all day long and im too tired to study some more. so i checked my facebook account and stumbled upon this application that leads to this website...i think. too tired to even pay attention.

wow, im a sagittarius pig! never crossed my mind. im speechless. i mean, really? ok...im just oozing with sarcasm at the moment. all this studying is really making me...anyway...

Sagittarius/Pig Profile:


These Pigs live to be (or at least appear to be) above reproach. They may get up to some shady mischief. But they prefer to keep it hush hush. They are rapaciously observant and cannot leave a detail alone. Gentle in love, they are rarely faithful to a life long mate.



THE HONORABLE SENSUALIST
Still waters run deep. The Sagittarian Pig, above reproach in moral conduct and beyond social disapprobation, tries very hard to maintain a spotless reputation. Not that the Sagittarius/Pig is a Pollyanna and only capable of Boy Scoutism. Not at all. But this person attends to his or her public name by staying clear of trouble and acting the role of moralist. Of course, this pristine do-good behavior only goes so far. The Sagittarian/Pig is still (pardon the expression) a Pig. So this upstanding citizen type who has many axes to grind with everything from politics to artistic expression is frequently found out to be a secret wallower.



Positive Traits : cheerfulness, valor, solicitude, open handedness, honor, reason, scrupulousness, voluptuousness, gallantry, culture, sincerity, honesty


Negative Traits : outspokenness, vacillation, recklessness, carelessness, bad manners, contradiction, credulity, materialism, wrath, gourmandism, hesitation, pigheadedness

its friday and im in...the mood to talk about the cure

The cure for love is still in most cases that ancient radical medicine: love in return. - Nietzsche

Really Nietzsche, really? well, he did say most cases.

come to think of it, what did he mean by cure? does he agree with me that love is an infectious disease? i really should read his books and not settle for excerpts. i havent read Nietzsche since i was this nosy college student who checked Fr. David's list of recommended readings for another class. i just felt like reading them. the same way when i saw a shelf of books on Marxism and read them just because i wanted to read them.

anyway, if love is an infectious disease...how do you get rid of it? i mean, if you get love in return, you dont get rid of it, you let it grow and consume you. how can love in return cure love? getting love in return doesnt cancel the love one already feels. whoever developed this love thingie anyway? this love business shit. how did it exist? where does it reside? must be some kind of virus that infects the mentally weak. if one needs a cure, its some kind of sickness isnt it? and who in their right mind would like to be sick? well, thats why those who are infected with this goddamn feeling isnt in their right minds.

if love in return is the cure for love in most cases, what about the other cases? whats the cure? hate? can hate love? or can love hate? i dont think love can hate. nor can hate love. what the hell am i saying? at 330am, i should be sleeping. but i cant.

anyway, Nietzsche has more to say on love:

"The shortsighted are in love.-- Sometimes it requires only a stronger pair of spectacles to cure the lover, and he who had the imagination to picture a face, a figure twenty years older would perhaps pass through life very undisturbed."

so, thats another cure for love, a stronger pair of spectacles. i used to have those. wait, im still wearing those! damn it.

"There is not enough love and goodness in the world for us to be permitted to give any of it away to imaginary things."

give love to an imaginary thing. well, sometimes thats what works for other people. maybe thats their cure...and disease at the same time.

i cant help but be scared of it all sometimes

its...well, it was 3am when i wrote this (since i wont be able to post this on blogger because i dont have an internet connection at my current residence). for some reason i cant sleep and i have a fucking pimple on my right armpit! i just find both annoying. not in the mood to review or study. i spend my supposed waking moments studying and i dont want to spend this unintentional waking moment studying too. i just hope this isnt one of those months of insomnia. if it is, i have two things to say: fucking wrong timing and to the girl who wished i had insomnia, well, i have insomnia now...and wrong timing!

insomnia at a time like this...what is God thinking? and im not referring to clock time. im in this part of my life where time really is gold. and im wasting precious gold.

Gawd im hungry. cant even smoke even if i wanted to.

at 3am in the morning, i cant think of a person i cant text and say, "if you happen to talk to God, can you ask Him, what's up with this? 2009 is halfway through and the significant stuff in my life are half-doomed".

my back hurts. ooohhh nooo, not the physical pain again! crap. more distraction. dont tell me im going to have them coughing fits again...and...i dont even want to think about the third one. the physical pain trifecta. damn it. why now!?

ok. i might overreacting since its 3am in the morning. but my back really, really hurts.

im just talking to myself now. well, ive been doing that a lot lately. like Tom Hanks in Castaway. i say out loud, "what will i have for breakfast?" i answer, "well, there's some noodles. there's oatmeal. you can buy some pandesal, or have some scrambled eggs. maybe some breakfast cereal perhaps?" wow, im having a conversation with myself at 7am in the morning. how nice. im not complaining, i just find it amusing that i really cant stop talking that i must talk to myself. sometimes i just have to read something out loud so i can hear myself talk. last night i talked to the wall. well, im still sane because the wall didnt back. if it did, crap, im going to ask someone where i dropped my sanity. and...he or she can have it. i dont need sanity when things are going wrong like this (damn you first half of 2009! wait...will these failures happen all year long? crap. what can i expect on august!?). anyway, if youre wondering what i said to the wall, i just said "im 25 and here i am talking to the wall. a very white wall. so i spent one night of my 25th year talking to a very white wall. really white wall. the person who painted this should be proud of his work. goodnight wall"

well, i study almost all day long (i take breaks of course) and when i get home, im all alone and no one to talk to. this would not be a problem if only im the same person as i was before (like 2 years ago or maybe a year ago?). i used to be an island. unfortunately, when i need to be an island, when i really, really need to live like a hermit, i cant anymore. life is cruel. why the hell do i have to change now? why God why? everyday, i mean, everyday, i look at the sky hoping an answer will enter my head. i look at the In God We Trust neon sign at the top of the building saying "did God just blink?" just to make me think that God is making Himself felt. Oh God, why does my back hurt now that i cant sleep and its 3am in the morning.

i havent played baseball since high school

i was starting to digress in my previous blog entry when i realized that the topic could be a separate blog entry...

what the crap happened to me...looking at myself now that im 25...oh well. life throws a lot of crazy curve balls and the most you can do is be prepared for each one. if you get hit by one of them crazy curve balls, you have no choice but to get back up. it might take some time or it might seem like that damn curve ball inflicted a goddamn unbearable pain, but the only way to deal with it is to get back up (and face those curve balls again that life will never stop throwing. damn you life! haha). i think its not a human tendency to keep facing life's curve balls but its what makes a person stay human or inherently a warm blooded human being. as edward elric said: "envy...youre envious of humans. were so much weaker than you homunculi but battered, confused, even when were beaten and about to collapse, even when we know its pointless, we always stand back up. and if we cant, our friends will lift us"

the idea of always getting back up, the knowledge of a mortal going against what appears to be inhuman conditions, facing the improbable and sometimes the impossible, appears to defy logic and reason, to willingly allow oneself be burned alive and face unimaginable pain for the sake of just moving forward and not giving up the never ending struggle to live and not merely survive. kinda reminds me of iggy pop's song title, lust for life. i think this is what makes some people more human than others. i miss saying i think. am i back to being i am? i hope so. or i hope so?

same banana?

which one is better, a daydreaming realist or an idealist who's in touch with reality? or both of them are just bananas?

speaking of bananas, ive been searching for this poem for years (just because i like it...and i recited this in one of my english classes way back when i was a freshman in college).

The Uncertainty of the Poet
Wendy Cope

I am a poet.

I am very fond of bananas.

I am bananas.

I am very fond of a poet.

I am a poet of bananas.

I am very fond.

A fond poet of “I am, I am”—

Very bananas.

Fond of “Am I bananas?

Am I?” – a very poet.

Bananas of a poet!

Am I Fond? Am I very?

Poet bananas! I am

I am fond of a “very”.

I am of very fond bananas.

Am I a poet?

i was trying hard not to laugh while i was reciting this poem. maybe i should start writing poems again...wonder if i can find my old ones. i stopped writing poems sometime around mid-high school. what the crap happened to me...looking at myself now that im 25...oh well. life throws a lot of crazy curve balls and the most you can do is be prepared for each one.

pain

when people get hurt, they learn to hate. when people hurt others, they become hatred and are racked with guilt. but knowing that pain allows people to be kind, pain allows people to grow. and how you grow is up to you. you know pain, you think about it, and the answer you find is up to you. - jiraiya